I used to get lost in your eyes

In the Middle.

2011-08-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

Stay or go. New York music internship for three months, or stay in school, where everything is provided for this fall semester. School started three days ago. Everything's perfect, except for the most painful component... him. Two bands with him. And mutual friends. Feel like I'm tearing in half when I'm around him, seeing what I SHOULD be doing, would be doing if it were last semester. I have no time and I have to decide. I'm trying not to be selfish, open to God and hearing what He wants. Most of the points are going to school but something about NY still haunts me. I need to buy my textbooks, focus in school, practice for bands, get my head in the game, get over him and become a normal friend again lest I writhe in vain alone. Or run away and go to NY in October, after half the semester in the bands and even play in one concert. Hate living on the wall like this...

But today was awesome. ALLNIGHTER at my friend's church, CTF in the pitch black park, "Have you ever" "Deer Hunter," "Quelf" XD Piano, sardines, hot sauce fight, three cups of coffee, dead skunks gah... slept at 4:30 for three hours, then breakfast at Carrow's for other friend's birthday yay! SOOOOO FUNNNNNN I LOVE THEM. And my diet's going fine, for a total of three days. Hours of gym, under-control food, music, friends, family too! Feel a balance shaping. Somehow, if I stay in school where I feel i belong so much (until my heart just crumbles while watching him laugh and smile for everyone else) and I just can't give this all up, then I need to beg for my job back at Eon, where I went for my first day and quit that day. But women's history professor is terrifying... but I have SEVEN friends in that class, OMG <3

If I wrote a note to God... and put my heart out on the page... what would I tell Him? If I knew He would truly, absolutely read it. I know He's out there. Forever I will know it in my heart, I can never deny it. But I just can't feel Him and His presence, guidance these days. This decision is killing me, Lord, please show me the way. Do You want me to stay or go? Which would be best for my family, my friends, for You, and even for me...? Please, I am trying to open my heart. I am counting points for each side. But no matter how many points school has, NY just HAUNTS me. But it's so equal, it's a tug of war and time's run out.

----------

The motion sensor lights went off when I played piano too stiffly for too long, and I was surprised at how much easier, so much easier it is to sing in the dark by myself.

Life sucks at this moment.

2011-08-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was wonderful. Boardwalk with school friends. Saw him for the first time in a month, I was terrified, but it went okay. Didn't speak to him directly once. We both waved at the same time, then I had to ignore him else I reattach myself to him, and he respectfully kept his distance for me. Of course now my heart is in a million pieces and I've been singing one song all afternoon, alone at school.

Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.

Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.

But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.

- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj

Come on, come on...

2011-06-26T19:20:00.001-07:00

Biked 32 miles yesterday... yesssss... felt so good, sweaty, tired, awesome!

Walked 4.6 miles, back from church, then biked 5 miles to the park to see the free concert that no one will go with me to so I will MAKE my own happiness and not depend on anyone else! Now for my daily walk with my sister... and then a movie and bed.

And today, food was good! No control-issues, a bit of anxiety, but overall splendid! :D I'm so happy! I have accidentally decided to not think about camp, not worry about it because there's nothing I can do about it anyway, so I will just freak out, cry, and be terrified this Thursday evening while I'm getting ready to go.

He invited me to hang out before he performs at the fair tomorrow. Hang out, with other friends too if they can make it... but... honestly, I'm scared. I don't want to. But I...

Yesterday, I biked to school. That was my plan. I visited my building, but then wondered... what if I keep going? Just going straight... I've never seen the end of this street. Okay so I kept going and going, and singing along OUT LOUD with my iPod, belting out songs cuz no one was around... the street turned into another name, and another name... then I thought.

What if I bike to HIS house?

It's MILES away, a little DRIVE, but... what if. Once I imagined myself going to bike to visit him for fun... of course, when we were still friends. But well, when the idea popped into my head, there was no turning back.

I got quite lost, in the middle of a big dusty industrial area/brown fields. It hit me where I was, I was WAY OFF, so I just followed my shadow and OH YEAH. I was so happy when I made it, not because it was his house but because I found my way and I knew it was MILES and miles.

I sat across his street and wrote my journal. Then... I wrote a note in the code he taught me that we used to use, snuck up to his grandpa's pick up truck, stuck it under the windshield wiper, and hightailed outta there.

32 miles... 5 hours... sweaty, aching... physically so happy :)

Bulimia free for one day, yay. Baby steps...

So Hard.

2011-06-24T17:10:00.001-07:00

Five and a half days without throwing up, thrown out the window one hour ago.

No, not thrown out. I will keep increasing this period of time until it's NEVER. I am learning so much about myself, with my therapist and just thinking so much. I exercised so much this week to lose weight, and I've been severely disappointed no matter how hard I try, and I think because I restricted my food too much, I began to crave more and couldn't take it. I'm SO lucky and grateful I'm not completely out of control, and I ate too much FRUIT instead of junk food. But I don't know how long I can be good. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

I read somewhere a long time ago, that a fast/strict diet is toughest on the 6th day. I can definitely attest to this. Today is my 5th day though. Gosh darns it all. My throat hurts. Please God, be with me? I'm so scared. I still miss him. But I'm putting You at my center, You at my center God. Please help me, please.

Last Day, Again.

2011-06-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

Destroy one special relationship... sabotage another.
I'm a great person. Lose best friend, lose therapist in same week.

I realized there's 1% of me that's not willing to give up these disorders. And that's what's been stopping me, other than my stubbornness, unwillingness to forgive, not wanting to grow up, wanting comfort, rescue, love, and kind words, being afraid of responsibility. Blah blah blah. Today was extremely shocking, embarrassing, humiliating, sickening. It started good, but I knew it was going to be bad. Because it was all decided in my head how I was going to spend it. Stupid, right.

Saw pictures of the beach outing that I missed out on because I just could not bear to see him there.

He hadn't gone.

Still, I could not have been in the mood to be happy, and too embarrassed to show my fat face to my school friends, who have only seen me skinny.

I miss being skinny. It was my pride and joy to be called small, pretty, cute, adorable, skinny. SMALL. Pride and joy. Stupid. I'm so materialistic...? External. But it's a relief to have the agony of losing my best friend relieved, because I'm stupidly focusing all my life on this eating disorder. Stupid. Stupid. I want to know how he is. Is he fine already? I'm just worried, and so sorry.

My therapist said I knifed him, I did. I'm knifing my whole family, and her. Stabbing them with what I'm doing. Hurting everyone. I'm so numb, I'm unbelievable.

I can't go to camp fat. I just can't. There's so much I want to do, and I feel I can't do itf I'm fat. If it's that important to me, why do I keep doing this? Tomorrow it starts again. It feels so hopeless and stupid, just stupid stupid. How many times have I said, "from tomorrow, I'll diet" blah blah BLAH. Well, it has to be. I have less than two weeks to lose I don't even know how many pounds. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I feel sick. Terrified.

I just wish my therapist had some kinder words, a softer approach to helping me. Tough love, harsh advice. HE was so kind, gentle, understanding, encouraging... that's why I got too attached. And now he's gone, my therapist almost gave up on me because I hadn't told her about him, and she was blown away by my dishonesty. Chapter two problems are related to my eating disorders, she says. How? How? I have to. I have to. I missed the beach outing. I won't miss another fun outing. This Thursday is a sleepover at our house already, I'm screwed. Monday is a concert at the fair I'm going to for sure, I won't miss Tenth Avenue North. And then... camp. Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm scared to go fat, I'm scared to be energiless there, I'm scared of being fat forever. I can't stand it. I won't stand it. I hate this. I hate this. It's the worst physical feeling. This week has been terrible. I know I deserved it. I have to be a better daughter. I have to. Father's Day tomorrow? I have nothing. Nothing. But I have new goals starting tomorrow. Nothing will get in my way. I'll use my stupid stubbornness for this. If I follow the structure of last crash diet, I can lose 3 pounds the first day, then 2 each day after for a week. It was awesome, I can't believe I threw it away. This time I'll be more careful. I have a plan. Jenny does not fail when it comes to diet. I'll be my ideal weight again, and NO it is not going to be 85 pounds again. It's not even 94.5, Inoue Mao's weight, Becky's weight. My perfect weight was 107. Ish. I'd be happier with a safe little bumper, so maybe 103. Please. Please. Please. I have to.

Bulimarexic

2011-06-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

THAT'S what I am. Two into one. I would've never, ever guessed that I would become one. But that's all I know now.

Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.

Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.

I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.

Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.

And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.

Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.

It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."

Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.

Agony Pt. 3

2011-06-16T21:17:00.001-07:00

And it continues.

Mourning the loss of the best friend who knew everything about me, took care of me, looked out for me, understood me, never let me feel lonely. I accidentally put him in the center of my life, and now being suddenly torn out, it hurts like hell. I made a mistake. The little girl in me got too attached to him. But this has to be, because of me.

Yes... I didn't go to the beach. I hope they're having fun. I'm so sorry I couldn't handle it.

Talking to my mom for hours helped a lot. She said time heals all wounds. Time will heal this too. But the agony continued. The agony of overeating and gaining so much weight, plus the hurt I caused him, the devastation raging in my heart, the fear and uncertainty of school life from now on.

My mom says I am so protected by the spirit world and God, that nothing bad actually happened. It did not go anywhere past "really good friends," no physical mistakes, just too attached. I am protected.

At the store I walked to with my mom, there was a flute playing on the Mexican radio. It hurt. His playing made flute music beautiful to my ears. But I must let go. I accept this agony. I feel it, it kills me, but I choose to feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Time will heal, I believe it, I do. Please, oh please, this agony will cease. I hope he is all right too. I'm sad to think he may be just fine. Though even sadder and pained to think he is not all right, because of me. I'm so sorry.

I did my condition with my mom today. Afterward... I actually felt a tiny breeze of hope. Time will heal. I am not irreversibly fat. Summer camp can be good if I do my best and just love with all my heart, unconditionally. I can lose at least a few pounds healthily before camp to feel better, loosen my tight clothes, gain sport stamina for games, etc. And if I truly put God at my center, this agony will be relieved, my first broken heart (if this was a first love broken heart, I would be dead from pain, shame, impurity and loss. I am so lucky.) will heal, I can prepare for the matching, and go forth once again with a smile on my face.

Agony Pt. 2

2011-06-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

Almost started crying before I was even fully awake. Terrified to get out of bed to face reality, the reality of being fat, of having hurt my best friend, having lost my best friend and not knowing how painful or how coldly we will acknowledge each other today at the beach. I feel like a thousand pounds, literally and metaphorically. This is the very worst I have ever, ever felt in my entire 20 1/2 years living on this Earth that God supposedly made for us to live, grow and bring Him joy.

My mom said I can't go to the beach. She's gonna have to tell my dad what's been happening at school, and she said he might make me drop out. I'm so scared. I keep ruining my own life. I wish I could feel just a little comfort and safety once more. Where does one find comfort, love, and safety? Parents... family... God... church... friends. Well, despising myself this much and not having an ounce of hope to my name, I can't even accept comfort maybe.

What do I do, what do I do. I told my friend I can't go to the beach, she called me to ask why, I can't even tell her it's because I cannot bear to see him. My mom says I have to let go. Just let go. Before, I only saw myself going to the beach. I HAD to go, to see where we stood now, how "just casual and not best friends" felt like. But now... should I really not go? If I didn't see him all summer, maybe by the time fall semester started I would feel like we hadn't talked, hadn't kept each other updated, hadn't connected at all and had been naturally reduced to just casual friends.

I feel like my heart is being mangled between two hands. Squeezed, pulled, just mangled mercilessly. What do I do, oh what. Do. I. Do.

Agony

2011-06-15T23:08:00.001-07:00

Suddenly without my always-there best friend, I am pummeled, crushed, and paralyzed by agony, confusion, shock, devastation, pain, loneliness, regret, fear, hurt, guilt, hopelessness, loss, disbelief, torture, terror, uncertainty, trauma.

Anything vaguely close to a unpleasant feeling, God knows how I deal with that. Binge to numb it. When that wears off, feel so, so disgustingly fat and uncontrollably revolting, so purge. Guilty, fat, ugly, agony, loss, devastation all come back. Repeat cycle.

And you have, the worst day in my entire life part 2.

My childhood best friend facebooked me while I was writing a huge confessional letter to my mom, after such purging, while waiting alone for her outside the karaoke building. With my new phone I get vibrations the MOMENT notifications pop up, so... RIGHT then, she was thinking of me? Spiritual...?

I stopped believing in God today. He's never there. He's not here now, when my world shattered and I completely gave up. Utter agony, utter agony, utter agony. There is nothing more. I feel... like I can never be happy again. I will never get better. Life is too hard but suicide leads to eternity of torture, so what the heck am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T! WHAT. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. DO.

I can't staff camp like this. I can barely see the stupid computer screen my eyes are blurry, face swollen. Geez, how many hours of tears today and yesterday. This hurts. This really hurts. Why am I not dead yet, from emotional... I dunno, trauma? How is he feeling today? I can't imagine how tomorrow will be, seeing him for the first time with this mind. Our minds. "Un-become best friends"? The most painful words I have ever been told.

And hey, there are only more struggles to come in this world. Marriage, career, in-laws, family, deaths, money, children, eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything? How. Will. I. Survive. I used to think life was joyful, yes life was full of joy and beauty. Now, it's something to survive? Stumble through while getting shot at, drowned, strangled, betrayed, hurt, ignored, angered, terrified...? Why am I so pessimistic. I am hopeless. I am scared. Immature, irresponsible, stubborn, STUBBORN to death.

When was the last time I was happy? Wait, happy? What's happiness? Huh? Happiness? That's Greek to me. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what have I done, and why am I here. I'm not expecting an answer though, oh no, I won't get my hopes up. I cannot withstand another disappointment. I just can't.

2011-06-15T00:55:00.001-07:00

The moment I finished typing, he texted me.

We are to un-become best friends.

I will never give that much of myself to another, ever in my entire life. I have only gratitude to God and him that it never went further than best friends, but... I cannot imagine next semester. And I don't think my shocked, strangled heart will heal for a long time, nor these tears run dry tonight.

I have never felt like this before. Utter emotional agony. Regret, pain, despair, terror. And I didn't find God's hand in time to be with Him to lessen this shocking loneliness. This hurts so much. I was so stupid. What am I going to do.

Devastation.

2011-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you Phuong... your schedule was really insightful. It looks like you'd be hungry though! It's interesting to hear that you could really measure and see your progress by the time that passed between purges.

----------------------------------------

It feels like... my best friend... dumped me... yesterday. I became too much of a burden, he couldn't do any more for me, did I relieve him of his torture? Now he feels self-loathing, he went on and on typing on Facebook, I couldn't interject, then suddenly he was gone.

Um... since then, I've just been a mess of confusion, devastation and hopelessness? I did NOT realize how much of my life was founded on his friendship, until he suddenly snipped me off. "bye" I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling other than miserable, self-hatred, hopelessness, FAT, fat, ugly, fat, hopeless, DEVASTATION, that is the only word I keep going over and over on in my head.

Family relations are up and wonderful. It's finally warm and I've been waiting for summer all year. But now I'm fat and can't enjoy it. I wore my new summer dress today though, and did my hair as pretty as possible to walk to the library with my little sister. The day I decide to wear this long-awaited short dress, I had to walk by a construction site (meaning... men) and it was windy and I was self-conscious.

Heat is wonderful. Sun is so pleasant. Why did I ruin my body as my favorite season arrived? When a beach trip is but two days away. Last week I lost 12 pounds through fasting and exercise, and... just wow, I am unbelievably hopeless.

I got my new phone. I only got a new phone and plan so I could mostly text him, my main support through my eating disorders. He knows everything about me, and I him. He was helping so much, just by knowing, supporting, talking to me, then suddenly... oh so suddenly he lost confidence in himself...? I don't even know what happened! And he was criticizing himself, saying he felt stupid. He knows how I could get better, right away. He can see the button to press for me to get better. But there was a ten foot thick wall of plexiglass in front of it. And it was torture to stare at it. I... inferred that the wall was my church, my family, my decision. I could not change my decision. So he decided to turn away from the button, forget he ever saw and felt the want to press it, and... said bye.

I have no idea where we stand. I'm so... lost.

I was not conscious of how centered my life was on him. And now I'm struggling to find God and make him my anchor, He who it was supposed to be from the beginning. God, where are You?

I am waiting and waiting and hoping and praying that he will text me, SOMETHING will happen, we will move. I feel so, so lost and floundering and crazy not knowing what the heck I am anymore to him, and what he's feeling and if he's upset and hates me, hates me, hates my guts... or feels bad, or is lost like me? Or has forgotten me, cut me off. What am I, where am I, what is he doing, where does our friendship stand, how in the world will I act when I see him on Thursday... Yet... I asked my friend if she's talked to him, and she has, and he... sounds like he's having such busy fun on a new project. I don't know what to feel.

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I hate being numb.

Lady Antibellum's song played TWO TIMES in my short car rides today. Stop torturing me, please.

What is wrong with me.

Week 1

2011-06-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

One week. One blasted week. You couldn't do it.
Too hungry, to weak-willed, idiot. You fail. Tomorrow, you pay.

The Colors of Life

2011-06-10T23:22:00.001-07:00

Today... I hiked while listening to Christmas music (just for a little bit lol) with my best friend in the hills :) With my low energy and hunger, I would NOT have made it up the whole tortuous uphill alone lol.

Hm... I miss ballroom dancing :(

Mama warned me very harshly to start getting myself together and acting, and deciding as if I am engaged. Because it's true, I am as good as engaged. I realized if I did think like that, I wouldn't do some things that I have been doing. But I still cried in fear, anger, and pain when I realized what I would have to give up. And it's only to "protect" myself from other BCs and their parents. Sigh.

So I felt a wide range of emotions today, mainly happy, but ending with shocking, exhausting, burdening news. But... for the most part... I loved being able to feel again. Feel, feel emotions! I'm not numb anymore! I CHOOSE TO FEEL, YES!!!!! THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU :D

Baby steps

2011-06-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

I had a phone session with my therapist today, yay. I feel much more cheerful, since... last Saturday lol. Saturday was the end of the world... I don't know how many times the world has "ended" for me and I'm reborn given a second (third, fourth, twentieth) chance the next day. Only to fail 99% of the time. "But this time will be different! This time I won't fail...!" Blah blah blah.

THIS time, I'm with Heavenly Father, and walking with True Parents!! Through my therapist, sort of, :) I mean, I totally surrender to God and will do everything my therapist says, I trust her, and I will NOT get better without God and TP ever, ever never ever. All I can do is surrender to them. So, even if the condition I have done for five days now gets more agonizing by the day, I will do it even, gah!

7 pounds lost in four days... not bad....? Water weight, pooey. The beach trip was moved to next Wednesday, only A WEEK goshdarnsit. And I'm so tired all day, all day my legs... this feeling is all too familiar and not welcomed back :( But I know better this time. AND, I know my period will come back like it did last month! So, if I just eat the right stuff and stay at a good stable weight I'll still have it. I'm gonna test how low I can go and keep it...

The one, blinding, shining beautiful hope I hold, 95% of the drive I have to recover comes from yearning for the Matching and Blessing. My dream. Someone asked me, where do I picture myself in 5 years? A school best friend, in the midst of all our music major, transfer, picking classes talk. And I froze. What in the world...?

All I knew was, I will be married (I didn't say "blessed" XP). That's all I knew. I have no idea what job I will have, if I'll STILL be in school for some reason, where will I live... I don't know. All I know and HOPE with all my heart, is I'll be blessed and living for the sake of my husband with all my heart, soul, mind and body.

Heavenly Father... is someone like me... do you still have someone out there waiting for someone as awful as me... as messed up, desperate, unworthy as me...? Will this be the hardest thing I'll ever hard to overcome...? Even if not, it'll make me a stronger person. I promise I'll get better, Lord, I will, I can't NOT get better. My whole life's purpose is to be matched and blessed, to live and love one man, your son Heavenly Father... I need You now, please... to recover once and for all. I want to hold Your hand through this... I'm always afraid. Even though the only Bible quote I know, from years back, is Proverbs 27:1, why can't I keep that in my heart and believe it? Why did I become such a mess. Did I do something wrong...?

Wait, I already know the answer! I know exactly why this happened. And I don't regret it happening. I am glad to have gone through this. I hope... maybe it's so I can help someone else, like me, in the future? Maybe. Or be a stronger person, that will never leave the church, never leave You? Maybe when I recover, my matching will be so strong it'll never break? Because a broken Blessing is my worst nightmare. Along with never recovering.

If he knew everything about my past... would any possible match reject me? Give up on me? Hate me? Think I'm disgusting? I... wouldn't be able to take that... until I truly believed in the value YOU have in me, Heavenly Father. Where is my value... how can You love ME. I have to try harder, try better... I have to... I must, GAH.

Love... love...

Friends... all over the world supporting me... I can't let them down, omg... I won't. I can't believe it, sometimes... sigh...

True love... "unconditional love"

I have felt the love of my parents... I have (most of the time..?) felt love for my siblings. But I have yet to perfect BOTH these loves. It's so hard to accept anything from my parents, I'm so stubborn and stuck. And my siblings... I have been lost in my own demented world for so long, they are probably fine without me, or look down on me, and I get mad at little things they do anyway... I have to fix this... by fixing myself first? I will. I will.

One Heart Camp will be such a wall, such a huge, towering wall that I have to climb. I'm already getting nervous. I know it'll be so hard. So hard... I'm afraid. But... I have a game plan? A very simple one. I'll try. Gah, I will try...

I'm tired now...

But it's so nice to have a real, live person on this earth that knows everything about me. School is a place for miracles, where we can meet lifelong (hopefully) friends who accept everything about you and love you unconditionally. I'm supposed to say that about church I suppose... but to be honest I've never gotten this close to a BC... as close as I've gotten to this friend :) It's nice not to be alone and have someone to vent, run to when you're beaten down, and they accept you and help you up again ^^ I will not compromise my matching/husband, though, I won't :)

2011-06-07T22:33:00.001-07:00

I am afraid.

2.5 Good Days

2011-06-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Five pounds lost so far, water weight but still feel and look better. Woke up feeling so nauseous and hungry this morning, but hah, I will not lose. Less than a month to be my favorite weight again, before Santa Cruz with my friends, before summer camp... I will wear that pretty dress that I don't have yet, have the legs I used to like... be pretty... I'm so tired... walking is hard again, I remember this feeling... So much to do, but feel like I'm wasting time...

Ooooooooooh, a NEW rock bottom. Awesome.

2011-06-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today, I drank a bottle of chocolate syrup with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, and then un-drank it! Along with many other highly caloric, fattening comestibles while knowing the consequences, not wanting to eat it, and feeling utterly sick. But unable to stop. I wasted lots of money. I ate almost a whole large caesar's pizza with a Wendy's vanilla shake. Then because throwing up wasn't working, I drank vinegar, salty cold coffee, and downed 28 laxative pills.

So, at therapy this morning... I got an A+ for being the best advertisement for hopelessness. I really gave up. I did. Lost a contact crying and rubbing my eyes out. I am hopeless. I am fat and ugly on top of that. I DID believe I was skinny and pretty, last April. Last April I was happy, SO, happy.

Stupid, stupid.

Even though I saw you, I saw you! And talked to you. But I was so numb, it didn't matter. Still... I played piano for you and your parents today. I will smile no matter how awful I feel inside.

I am not going down without a fight.

Doomed. Yups.

2011-06-04T02:26:00.000-07:00

I think so, that's what I am. Doomed.
I'm too much of a coward to face the real problem, and it'll destroy the outside of me while it kills me from the inside. Am I really that hopeless? I had thought I could actually overcome this. Wow. Did praying help?

The more my friend tries to help me, the more uncooperative my stupid body gets. Or is it my head that's stupid? It's not doing much good thinking, the past month. Stupid, stupid. I hate, hate being fat, I HATE IT, STUPID!

And I am NOT READY TO FORGIVE!!!! I AM SO NOT READY TO FORGIVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I can't go on like this forever!!!!!! But it seems like I'll end up doing it anyway.

Even tonight, the first day of the matching convocation. My parents were supposed to go and look for my future husband. But BECAUSE I was bingeing and purging WHILE they were there, and before, and way before, THAT'S WHY I WASN'T READY, and man, I'm tired.

Now what?

2011-06-01T22:15:00.001-07:00

The author of this blog has passed away, due to an overdosing on laxative pills.

Just kidding. I am alive.

Day one, woo hoo. The pain came at 7:30am, that familiar pain yups. Severe diarrhea and stomach pain three times? I would've continued in my mini-coma like last time I overdosed, sleeping until 2pm, goodness gracious. But my friend texted me. He needed to talk! So I was able to get up. Seriously, my mom calling me to get up was not working.

Offering table at church, drink lots of water and have one banana after much internal debate. Nap a tiny bit, freezing cold. Moment I got home, CRASH in bed but GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH another friend texted, needing help sorting sheet music at school. I had to go.

But before I went, mama FORCED me to eat lunch. I did not want much lunch, not on this day one of my new diet, but she got mad and then got really serious and scary and I still did it. She said... she feels like crying so hard, at what's happening to me in this family. She doesn't know how to help me, she feels hopeless. I need an eating disorder counselor, my current therapist is not working, she said. I confessed about the laxatives, just spat the words out. I was so angry, scared, frustrated, that I started laughing. I must be insane. Hey, instead of an eating disorder specialist, or behavior therapist, just drop me off at the asylum.

I still cannot digest these things. I avoid eye contact, I eat (not badly, today thank God) and without words, I numbly unconsciously chant "I don't believe this I don't believe this this isn't happening, this can't be happening, I don't like this at all please stop." I'm such a coward. I can't face anything. And I finally, finally cried for the first time in weeks.

Progress! I can cry again! Not too numb. I hope I burst into tears in some public spot and make a whole huge dramatic commotion.

Filing at school with friends was fun. My hair was not straightened, I was so much fatter than the last time they saw me, so I don't know what they thought. And my yearning to have a guy, just my guy, my future husband/fiancee, came back again, ahhh...

Moment I got home, CRASH in bed. Really sleep this time. I heard mama come in though, and I heard her... I think she just stood there and stared at me for some time. Touched my head too. And then I HAD to go to stupid, stupid choir practice so I had to eat dinner. Food is TOTALLY different to me from yesterday. It was a nightmare yesterday, it had control and numbed me. Today... I still abhor it, but it's not overwhelming. I'm tired.

Choir was as miserable as I thought it'd be. Wanted to cry, but great I didn't. Nap in the car as my mom shopped, and FINALLY can go home to sleep. But great, tomorrow we all have to get up early and now my mom's hounding me like I'm still 10 years old to go to bed, go to bed, blah blah blah.

I still wish, with my immature, naive little self... that someone out there could fix me.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... to fix you.

You sang so.

The End of the World

2011-05-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am going out with a big bang today, the end of the world in terms of my bulimic days. From tomorrow, I will eat like the skinny, pretty, happy girl I used to be, no matter how scary it is and how hungry I get. I shall end this painfully stupid embarrassing day by listing everything I ate. And threw up.

Breakfast (free):
2 egg omelette with cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
1/2 grilled cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
Banana, walnut, chocolate chip pancake (last of the box mix) with maple syrup, uncooked pancake batter, butter, strawberry & mixed ice creams

Then my mom came in and I pretended I had only eaten a pancake. Continued to make and eat:
2 egg omelette (another) with the same stuff
Whole grilled cheese
Beans

--Commence purging--

Coco Puffs and oatmeal cereal
Two little Japanese mushroom chocolate things
Trident gum (I did not swallow it)

Lunch ($5+):
Hot Chocolate with whip cream
Raspberry cream cheese muffin (bad bad choice)
6 ice breakers

--no purging, surrounded by church friends--

Snack (free)
PBJ sandwich & half banana

Dinner (free):
White & brown rice
Chicken & celery
Beet greens
Bean sprouts mixed with egg
Miso soup
Furikake

Insanity (6:30 to... hm no? 10:40):
Rolo McFlurry ($2.84)
Cream filled chocolate donut, sprinkle donut, poppyseed muffin ($3.75)

--Commence purging in library bathroom--
(I can go from feeling totally sick and the food coming up my throat to fine in three minutes like that)

Coca Cola ($1.25)
Lucky's slice of some kind of cake that made me wanna die while eating the last bites ($3.99)
M&M's ($.50)
Donut (?)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom--while mama calls and asks where I am--
(Geez. Written down sounds even stupider. I was possessed)

Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza (?)
Cherry & Raspberry & Cherry Cola mixed slurpee (?)
Sprite ($1.49)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom again--
--Commence downing laxative pills for the purpose of feeling empty tomorrow, and going through agony throughout the night to prove to myself I will not tolerate weight gain, and this is truly the end of being this fat. Forever. Second time reduced to taking these. Oh, ($3.89)

Two slices of buttered toast with cheese (free)
Some more laxatives
Cup of cereal (free)
Handfuls of walnuts (free, now my mouth hurts)
Some more laxatives
Half banana

--No more purging allowed because I took the pills. Don't want to bring them up and render them useless. I'm surprised at how much I can down, myself. Purging feels so relieving. Disgusting, sickening, but yeah happy to get rid of it.

So... the last time I used laxatives, March 21st (the "real" end of the world") I lost count of how many I took (one whole box, had to buy another different bottle) and it took hours and hours to kick in! I think only the second kind worked, because I may have thrown up the first ones. Oops. Well, exactly six hours after the second type, and overdosing on purpose on those, the pain came. Oh, man. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. Every two hours or so, going to the bathroom. I didn't know how much was inside me. And agonizing stomach pain. It went on until 2PM, I was shocked. Must've gone into a mini coma or something, and I wasn't freaking out after. Sure, glad I was alive, and stupidly proud to have gone through that because obviously, I'm unconsciously trying to do every little stupid horrible thing an anorexic/bulimic can do before I try to recover.

I have to recover for my future husband. Gosh darns it. I have to.

I dunno what'll happen tonight. Sigh. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I have no idea how much I weigh, but my clothes hardly fit and I can't stand being with seen by school friends and church friends, so tomorrow if I survive the hopefully coming excruciating agony (though if I was hospitalized, that would cross off another thing on my bulimic to-do list! I've always wanted to be hospitalized. The easier way out and easy way of losing weight. Be given everything you're supposed to eat.) and then exercise like crazy, eat little, and become my favorite past stable weight of 100 - 105 ish. I can't wait. Though it'll be hard. And this time I have to obey my therapist and do the therapy, or else this nightmarish cycle will repeat for the rest of my life, like it has been for years.

I'm super numb (emotionally, not physically) because of all the bingeing and purging (that's the point of it, like I realized Sunday) but tomorrow morning, I hope I'm raw. I hope I successfully kick away my food shield. I hope I cry and feel the fear, and get over it because my friends are here to help me.

Can't Sleep

2011-05-31T05:40:00.001-07:00

I will not surrender.

Why can't I sleep? I slept until 2am, then BAM wide awake. So I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince. I downloaded "Fiction" Beast's new song. And am planning today in my head. I miss my school friends. I know One Heart Camp is going to be oh so hard again, like always. I pray this time I can focus on my group, on growing, on giving my all to every one of my brothers and sisters, instead of focusing on my stupid disorder, as well as only one person.

The path to recovery is so hard.
But I can't not take it, there's only one path. I might take a super long time, complaining, whining, throwing up, crying, feeling hopeless, yet feeling absolutely joy, love, support and care at the same time... but I will eventually see the end of this long, tiring, unbelievable disorder, yups. And then, the road to real life begins :)

I WILL NOT SURRENDER.

Today looks so cold, it's not a good day to go to the beach :( I hope Santa Cruz is warmer. I will be skinny again so the next time we go to the beach I will wear whatever I want and feel pretty again. I wonder who my husband will be.

Hm, maybe I should officially make this a bulimic's blog

2011-05-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm getting so good at purging, I can do it in the bathroom in my house! My sister's in the NEXT room listening to music on the laptop, my dad's on the phone in the living room, my other sister and mom are cooking in the kitchen.

Today was supposed to be the last day, but I think it changed to tomorrow. Because...

Being sick like this costs lots of my personal money.

I'm so numb, so numb... oh! That Linkin Park song I used to love so much. I can't believe how true it is. Sort of? Hm. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa Cruz. I daydreamed for so many years of the day I could wear anything I want, and feel really, really cute, pretty, skinny, and confident. For someone to ask me out on a date. Even though it's stupid. I'm so desperate to get matched (engaged) and to find THE ONE, but because of this stupid disorder and numbness, I had to tell my mom "no," for this time. It's this weekend. I couldn't.

Bulimia, a recurring nightmare

2011-05-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

Fatso. Fatso. Fatso. It's finally summer and you have to go and ruin the body you finally liked for ONCE in your life. Why, why why can't you listen to your therapist? Do the therapy! Let go of the anger! GET BETTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

You suck. You are such... omg. You faking, mask-wearing, freak!

It's finally your favorite season. Heat, sun, short shorts, dresses, tanks! And YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR STUPID GAG REFLEX WORE OUT AND YOU COULDN'T STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN, STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID!!! That's all I feel like screaming right now. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPID GIRL.

This is the past all over again. Yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing 30 pounds every month. STUPID, STUPID, why do you want to go through that again. Stupid. What about the matching and Blessing. You can't say you're prepared to be engaged and married in this state. When food makes you late for class, band practice, keeps you from finishing music projects for the one you've loved for five years. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE POSSESSED. YOU'RE NUMB. YOU'RE A COWARD, DECIDING TO EAT AND PURGE TO NUMB EVERYTHING THAT'S TOO SCARY TO FACE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU COWARD, COWARD!!!!!!!!! FOOLISH, STUPID, IMMATURE, FAT, FAT, UGLY, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT PIG. You make me sick. Literally.

Why can't you be un-numb? UNSTICK THE DAMN EMERGENCY NUMB BUTTON, YOU IDIOT. Decide to feel fear, stress, anger, anxiety, jealousy, disappointment. You can't feel happiness, love, hope, excitement, satisfaction without feeling the bad emotions. You can't even cry anymore, God damn it. You're really, really screwed up this time. I want to just... I want to just grab you by the neck and shake you, GAH.

I have to do more important things. But I'm not through with you yet, you're going to pay for what you've done, double time.

A couple words

2011-04-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

One candle burning can ten thousand alight.

Untitled

2011-02-25T11:07:00.001-08:00

The world has ended so many times over.
How... just how does it keep going so mercilessly?

Untitled

2011-02-24T09:34:00.001-08:00

That's why that hug felt so good.

--

This is the worst of the worst.

Epiphany

2011-02-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

I had one today. After reading a couple good books, I'm realizing lots of things, and maybe even digging deep enough to find that first day, the true reason behind this debilitating disorder. It's nerve-rackingly eye opening, but liberating. Am I really figuring out my past? Can I actually move forward soon...????

New Year

2011-02-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Come on... come on...

Leave me alone please.

Come on.

For how long do you need to control me.
Steal my time and life from me.
How many years have you taken away already!!!
What did I do!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
LEAVE ME BE!!!!

I have so many things I want to do!! Stop, stop doing this to me, I don't want to care anymore, I don't!!!! How am I supposed to go on like this, because I can't, I can't go like this forever you know. I'm not gonna let you, you... you... just leave me alone!!! There are so many things that I want to be able to do, okay, so go away, go away just leave me alone please... How am I supposed to study abroad to Japan? What about visiting family in Wales? Traveling? Become a flight attendant? Huh? How, like this, TELL ME! How am I supposed to be ready for the matching and blessing, ever, like this... I've been trying so hard... I'm already 20... in the end it's me and only me who's going to get through it, and that's why it's so scary to be alone. I don't know how long it'll take, if it ever happens.

You keep stealing my dreams. How many more do you want to take.
I want them BACK.

It'll never be as bad as a couple years ago, it can never be as bad as that though sometimes it'd be more simpler if I returned to that... but all this progress, I don't want to waste it, I don't want to do a 180 but I doooooooonn'tt please, I do not, I'll do anything to not end up... end up... that.

Where are You, God?

Back from Florida

2011-01-12T13:39:00.001-08:00

With so many friends and people out there
Even complete strangers that I've never met
Only know through YouTube and playing piano
They are all supporting, praying, and thinking of me
Why do I feel utterly alone and terrified once again?

Help.

2010-12-13T13:26:00.001-08:00

My throat burns.
I don't want to relapse.
Somebody, anybody... save me from myself.

너무 너무

2010-12-06T21:22:00.001-08:00

その人が誰でも、　その人の大好きな曲を知ったら自分が弾かなくてはならないと思ってしまうんです。　その人が二度と見ないと分かってるのに。　ただ　もしかして、　もしかしてのために。　

知った瞬間から待てなくて、　出来るだけ早く練習し始まって、　完璧まで続きました。　昨夜に初耳で今朝頑張って練習を完了したと思いました。　

うまく心込めて弾けたのかしら。　溢れ出してくる気持ち、　痛み、　恐れ、　信じてはいけない希望。　

するべきではありません。

どうして、　どうして　この曲が一番好きか本当に本当に分かりたいんです、　どうしても。　イルマさんのとても心苦しめる曲、　涙を溢れ出させる辛い辛い歌。　どうしてですか。

When the Love Falls.

The most wonderful way to spend thanksgiving break

2010-11-29T10:15:00.001-08:00

"Thank you!"
"You're welcome."

"Split!"

Life is coming to a balance

2010-11-25T06:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you Heavenly Father for this new-found peace :)
Every single day I'm afraid it will be taken away from me again, but I try to be brave. I try to push the doubts away, and take strength from all my blessings and the love from my friends, family and community. And the past few weeks have been a dream. Who am I to be so lucky? I've been touched by Your true love and I can hardly contain myself.

One part of life still hurts, and I can't expect it to get better, ever... I think... I'm just setting myself up for the most painful, bone crushing disappointing heartbreak I will ever experience, but I can't help it. I want to let go but at the same time, I'd rather die than do so.

----

I have the most amazing friends at school! I love them, I love them! Along with my fellow BCs in CARP, I have Japanese and Korean friends that have accepted me and I am so happy with them I can't even express it. I have older brothers and sisters who notice when I'm down and cheer me up. And through these friendships, I'm learning to let loose my hold on my family and being afraid to step outside the house. I feel like I'm really growing up and gaining more confidence, something I've lacked all my life.

Tried playing sports for the first time in years since I got sick, and omg I could RUN run. Run full out. It felt so, good, playing frisbee with my friends at school, even though it was cold we were warm with happiness. Frisbee! He loves playing frisbee.

And even at home, things are not as bad as before! I'm on good terms with everyone, and played music with my sister and father last night again. I'm practicing a new song on piano for someone, and practicing lots of guitar and violin too! I have to practice violin more. More. Open mic night was... really like a dream--unbelievable. I've always, always wanted to hear that song again, live. And then, it happened.

That shouldn't be what I think about most, it should not it should not it's just getting worse with time. But BOF's "Because I'm Stupid" lyrics are very relevant all of a sudden. Or not so suddenly.

너의 뒷모습을 보는것도 난 행복이야
아직 나의 마음을 몰라도
끝내 스치듯이 가도

Singing!

2010-10-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

In music theory, at college, we have to take singing exams! That was definitely unexpected. But I just had my second one this morning, singing the minor natural scale: do re me fa so la ti do ~ do te le so fa me re do. I had never heard of it! Last time was the major scale, intervals and thirds, and I got 97% for going flat on two notes... and this morning, I got 98% for messing up me for mi on the way down, but I was happy. That is the only really scary thing in college... singing exams. Other than AWKWARD scary, at dance class. Tonight's class will determine if I will continue or drop it. Last week I had to dance with a guy who smelled like beer. There is another boy who is way too touchy I want to scream and run away and scrub myself with acid.

I took ballroom in the first place to learn how to dance so I could dance with my future husband... now I'm beginning to wonder if that was a good idea. Wouldn't it be more wonderful to learn ballroom WITH your husband, together? That's what I should have thought in the beginning...

Lucifer is taking so long to learn! But I will have it up by this weekend, I have to! ><; Though tomorrow is completely full, volunteering and playing piano at church... Sunday is church and ah playing piano twice for two services actually... but Monday is no school... unless work pops up... well! I should not be dilly dallying online like this!

Untitled

2010-09-20T13:59:00.001-07:00

It's going to hurt so much.

Hello September, and friends that never let me down~

2010-09-03T21:35:00.001-07:00

I owe everyone an update. The littlest one, at the very least :) I'll think of the biggest, main points, and TRY not to be too depressing... life hasn't only been stumbles recently ^^

- in mid August I began school, once again. College. Let's see if I don't drop out after the first semester like last year? So far it's been SO FUN. Music, Japanese 1A (I'm more like a tutor... xp), Chinese 1A (sooooo fun repeating after the teacher!) and ballroom dancing (sooooooo fun)! I've gotten so confident at introducing myself first, and making new friends! I'm so unexpectedly happy and feel welcome at school!
- being called "so skinny it's disgusting"
- being hit on for FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE by a SCARY GUY before Chinese class (an evening class). I'm still traumatized. It was so, scary.
- confession... along with anorexia, came along bulimia, came along BED (binge eating disorder) and it's all mixed up in a horrible, torturing mess in my life right now, making me hate myself... I hate myself, I like myself, I love myself, I despise myself, I like myself... it's insanely exhausting and I've come to know what "hell" is, truly.
- the pastor of my church unofficially named the Sunday band after me! OMG! It's so embarrassing, flattering, and just makes me smile huge X3 Every week, he stands up and says "give it up for the Jenny Hughes band!" gaahhh... XD
- work! I started work at a machine company last MONDAY with my brother, and we get called in for random jobs. Today and tomorrow we have to "deburr" these tiny... metal... thingies. They don't exactly tell us what we're doing, we just do it. My dad works for them sometimes too, so they're all friends ^^
- summer camp was a life-changer. that's tooooo long of a story.
- I try and try to play "youtube" piano. I nearly perfect "kanashimi no yukue," "I never told you" and "bonamana" and ended up playing just "no other" the past... several months! Gah! But now that school and work have gotten into rhythm, I will definitely try to put in a good chunk of time to reply to youtube messages, play more youtube songs, and rightfully appreciate youtube friends :)

I will try!
Next... should I play "Bonamana"? "Intoxication"? Hm... and should I show my face?

I'm so happy my friends and fans are still there... they jumped up right away to let me know they're there on my "no other" video... thank you you guys...

Ups & Downs

2010-04-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Everyone's comments touched my core... how you guys care about me, it made me cry. I still can't believe I have so many supporters and friends all around the world, actually concerned about me, some girl they've never met.

I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.

But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.

Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.

My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3

Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.

And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3

But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.

I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.

My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?

I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...

Owl City - Meteor Shower

What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...

But... I WILL.

How Hard It Is

2010-03-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

My period won't come back unless I gain weight...?
How much weight?
I can't gain weight. I don't WANT to. Part of me doesn't ever want to heal from anorexia. I love being skinny too much. But I hate not being able to run, barely walk...

And... my life's purpose is to have a family...

Without a period, I can't.
I need it back.
But I can't gain, no!!! NO! I swore I'd never be fat again.
How much weight? Until a normal BMI? But I love my underweight BMI...
I lost weight and unintentionally became anorexic all to become skinny and "beautiful." I'm not beautiful in any way right now.

My hair won't stop falling out. Walking takes all my will-power, but I want to RUN so bad. Run, like last summer. I can't play the sports that I want to play. I can't go on the roadtrips and travels I want to go on so bad. I hate feeling heavy, fat after eating "too much" (to me). I can't eat more. But part of me wants to give in, eat like crazy. That's my old binge-eating side. I hate that side. That's why I'm not going to lose to it. Gaining weight means losing, losing control. I hate that hopeless feeling of having no control over my body weight, when becoming skinny was my whole world, the past few years. Finally, finally skinny, and UTTERLY MISERABLE. Freezing cold all day every day. Miserable. Can't sleep. Have no energy. Losing hair, yeah. My mom sadly touched my hair the other day and, shocked, said that I surely had more hair than this before. Yeah...

I can't play piano as well as I did before either. I can feel it. My hands are too cold, and they can't move fast anymore. That's why I make kind of ballad versions of every piano song now, or force myself to bang out harder songs. It tires me out. But no matter what I do all day (I walk, trying to gain muscle in my legs and also garden, rake, pull weeds outside etc) even if I'm exhausted, I can't sleep.

My mind doesn't leave me alone. As dead-tired my whole being feels, the thoughts swirling in my head, as if from another person, won't let me sleep. Plans of what I'm going to eat and NOT going to eat the next day. Counting and re-counting the calories and every possibility, and what's okay to add or what I have to subtract or substitute in my daily diet. I do it all day long too, recounting calories. It terrifies me when I don't have a plan. I can't NOT have a plan. I have to know how many calories I eat every day. I plan every single bite. Make sure the fruits are in the fridge.

My eye sight is getting worse, I can feel it. I can't even squint to lessen the blurriness anymore. Driving tires me out- the steering wheel is so heavy. I'm scared all the time, of every little thing. Becoming skinny was supposed to make me burst with self-confidence, and become an outgoing, bright girl.

Now I'm a college drop-out, crying every day with no sense of purpose, overcome by depression, anorexia, self-hatred... not being useful to anyone hurts so much. I try so hard every day to do something useful to my family... but I feel so worthless. I want to volunteer, go to third world countries or even just around here and help out with everything, anything, but I have no energy and I HATE, HATE it, not having energy. My legs are permanently numb and can't jump or run...

Masochist?

I hate being anorexic, I love being anorexic. If I didn't like seeing my bony face, toneless bony thin legs, arms, and not having any love handles or butt so much, I could maybe recover. If I didn't love seeing that number on the scale every single morning, maybe I could.

5 foot 3.5 inches (162cm)
86 pounds (39kg)

If it hadn't been so rewarding after so much suffering, hunger, pain and time, it'd be easier to recover. Who could love a period-less, bony, baggy-eyed, pale-lipped, buttless, chestless, brittle-haired, self-hating, depressed, unconfident, silent (oh yeah, I stopped talking a few weeks ago. I just keep every single thought inside of me. Only my little journal knows. Not even God knows.) home-bound 19 year old girl like me.

Whenever my mom is out of the house, for example, on her 30 minute fast-walk, or at the store or a meeting, I feel so anxious. I need her to come home. Just to be near me. Then I feel... better. But nothing ever completely heals my insane, uncontrollable feeling of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, dread, despair and lonesomeness.

Who--what--am I, and how do I... learn to live again?

Amineko!

2010-01-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

Meet Yuu-chan, my first ever crocheted creation aka amigurumi! :D

I know I did something wrong... like the crochet needle size or the yarn type or something. I ran out of pink yarn which is why it has blue limbs ><; But I tried my best, and I can't believe I actually made something that resembled, even remotely, the original amineko! ^^ Next I want to make something smaller, cuter... I want to crochet my mom's birthday present, and Valentine's day presents <3

初めて作られて嬉しい。。。　ちょっと間違った気がするけどあみ猫が出来て嬉しい!

2010.1.13

2010-01-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

How life has changed.

Daddy's Lunch Pack #3

2009-09-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

The 3rd day in a row that I've made my dad a lunch to bring to work. It's one of my greatest joys!! I might finally be able to really love my daddy and take care of him through making his lunch--loving him through his stomach? :D I looove making his lunch (and breakfast)! I started today's at 6:20am, after getting back from hoon dok he at church <3

PBJ bagel <3

I know it looks really pitiful... but we were running low on snacks after two days of lunches! Saltine crackers, a sizzler candy, and gum ><; I want to give my dad more, but he's not Japanese so he doesn't eat rice bentos, or any Asian things for lunch...

Really pitiful... a ginger snap and a homemade lemon bar (the last one, made by my sister last Saturday).

I learned how to make egg sandwiches yesterday! Just for my daddy <3 Egg on dark rye sammich~

All packed up with a Fiber One 50 calorie Strawberry yogurt and water bottle, and ice :)

Oatmeal, meet blogspot. Blogspot, meet the breakfast I've eaten for the past three months straight. So heart warming, heart healthy, and delicious. 1/3 cup of oatmeal with 3 of the smallest raisins from the container is my diet breakfast <3

Picnic with Mama

2009-09-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I parked on a random shady street in front of someone's house, before the bart station where my mom was going after. It was such a beautiful late summer day. Opened the top of the Mercedes.

My mommy <3

My mama's lunch, made by my 1st little sister. Ham, lettuce, cucumber, mayo on dark rye bread (bought with a coupon) and two peeled figs (free from a friend at church ^^)

The lunch I made for my 2nd sister before I left: a peach, a fuji apple, and 1/2 an orange, all cold ^^ She doesn't usually eat fruit so I was so happy for her!

My lunch! Fuji apple, peach, 1/2 orange. My entire lunch ^^ I occasionally have all fruit lunches to cleanse out my system because I usually do #2 after an all-fruit meal ^^ Plus it's part of my weight loss diet. It tasted so, good.

Peach Crisp

2009-09-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Last night, my sister and I made a peach crisp recipe and ended up with two peach crisps and an apple crisp because the topping recipe made too much crumble! It was so fun, and it smelled so good. My neighbor came over and our family had piping hot fruit crisps and vanilla ice cream while watching the AGT Finale! It was such a wonderful evening <3.>

Yesterday was such a wonderful day...

Part 1: Picnic with my mom in the car on the street in the shade with fruits (peach, orange, fig, apple), sandwich on rye bread and tenchicha <3

Part 2: Peach and apple crisp with vanilla ice cream <3

We used this recipe from allrecipes, but with many substitutions ::

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Easy-Peach-Crisp-II/Detail.aspx

Piano

2009-08-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding piano for two months! After not being able to play for a month, I'm afraid to go back, because maybe, I can't play anymore or something ;__; I FORCED myself to practice Survivor today, and... I'm happy to say, I'm practically done and ready to record :)

Randomly I also played Love Story, If We Hold On Together, The Rose, and I'll Make a Man Out of You XD

This morning was really good :) So far, three days in a row of waking up at 5:15 for Hoon Dok He with my mom. I'll do anything to be with my mom more. And not have anyone HOG her all day...

Lost 42 pounds so far. Walking is a chore, no energy, but man I am not going to fail this time. So close. I haven't been this skinny since... I can't remember. I'm skinnier than 8th grade!! I'm so happy. Only 16 more pounds to go~~~

Chinatown with my friends yesterday was SOOOO FUN. OMG SO FUN. Chinatown's boutiques have the CUTEST clothes I've ever seen in America!! Over Kohl's, Old Navy, Target, Wal-Mart, all those stores, I'm going back to Chinatown for my clothes shopping!! I actually fit into the Japanese dress and cover-up that I tried in the fashion magazine clipping covered fitting room!! I was so happy!! I NEED formal clothes for church, but I want to wait to spend any money on clothes until I reach my goal weight, which is BECKY!!! Becky Onechan. 43kg :) So, I was mostly scouting out the prettiest Asian styles in Chinatown, preparing my fashion sense for when I will get down to really picking and purchasing a pretty dress, or skirt XD

I hope, when I get to 43kg, I'm not too bony. Or worse, I hope I'm not still chubby!!! Becky's 157cm, 43kg, I'm 162cm... so if I'm the same weight as her I should be skinnier... we're exactly the same nationality, but still, she's lived in Japan so long, and I'm born and bred in America, eating American food, drinking too much milk in my childhood! I have bigger bones than Asian girls!! Bigger hips too. I've been bumping into chairs and tables with my hips these days for some reason. GAH. Still look so fat. Trying so hard. I'm happy to see proof that I'm not as fat, omg sooo fat as before though, because NOTHING FITS ME ANYMORE HAH. Everything is baggy! The shirts and jeans I only dreamed about fitting two months ago are now baggy, and fall off without unbuttoning. WOOT!! Not so good if I don't want to spend money until the very end and I have only clothes that slip off, especially my church skirt, but still, I'm so happy. And I will be happier when I finally reach my goal weight, but that brings a terrifying situation.

How in the world will I start eating more without gaining all the weight back? Eat a tiny bit more every day? I've been eating the same thing over and over every day, with only tiny variations. Oatmeal, fruits, vegetables, cereal with non fat milk. That's all. Every day. Oh, miso soup for dinner with my veggies. Anyway, this was supposed to be a one paragraph entry! Sigh.

Anyway, when I finally get to be my dream weight, I won't have to be afraid of Asia, especially Japan and Korea, and Japanese clothes, or Japanese fitting rooms anymore! Because I will be the same size as all pretty Japanese girls~~~

I Love my Mama

2009-08-11T17:01:00.001-07:00

お母さん　大好き。

JULY HIATUS

2009-07-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to summer camp starting tomorrow for three weeks, until the 18th of July! So I won't be here, I can't reply to any emails or comments, but I promise I will when I get back, and get back to playing more piano for everyone! DBSK & SuJu LOVE <3 And hopefully w-inds. Moriyama Naotarou, Koda Kumi... many many! Yay!

I'm gonna drive the 6+ hours to Los Angeles tomorrow with my brother and sister! Without our parents!! I'm really getting scared. But I'm more scared about the actual workshop(s). Leadership, embarrassment, "growing," pushing my limits, my comfort zone... I'm trying to focus on the fact that I can see my friends again, but my fears are winning over... ;____;

I'll probably be tired or super energized and not wanting to spend time on the computer, which kind of depresses me especially youtube because I see how much I suck, but anyway not wanting to be depressing right now, I'll just warn anyone reading this that I might take all of July off and be back in August or later! Summer break, maybe ^^ But I'll be back, I promise, and play more piano for anyone wanting to listen... I hope to entertain you and support my beloved k-pop and j-pop artists <3

Good bye! :D
Southern California, One Heart Camp, 行くぞ！！！

ベッキｰ ♥

2009-07-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm exactly like Becky!!!! I knew we were similar, but now I looked her up and omo we're sooooo similar I'm sooooo happy X3 Her dad's British, my dad's British, her mom's Japanese, my mom's Japanese. Her name is 1) English 2) Japanese 3) British. My name's 1) English 2) Japanese 3) British. She has hazel eyes, I have hazel eyes!! They're the only part of my body that I accept and actually like. My eye color. Nothing else. Yet. GAH!! :D It's so cool... to be like her! ...as if... lol, this makes me feel hopeful about becoming a famous entertainer, model, singer and/or performer in Japan... ^^; Though I have NONE of her charisma, humor, Japanese fluency, hair & makeup & fashion sense nor confidence... I am working on it.

A Little Update.

2009-06-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

6,000+ youtube subscribers! OMO!!!!
Thank you for your support... when I started playing piano for youtube, I didn't even know what a view or a subscriber was or really meant. Now... I have more than I ever dreamed of. All I can try to do is my best to keep entertaining and sometimes teaching everyone who loves the same music a me... :) I'll try to get better! In college, this fall! Maybe I'll be able to take some piano or music class yay! :D

Sunburned my chest and neck, trying to get a tan in my pale areas ><; My legs and upper arms and face are coming along slowly, with a tanning spray / suntan lotion. Sigh.

Every day, every single day is get skinny, get skinny, get pretty. Exercise, what not to eat, exercise, skin care, tan, exercise... all day every day for the past two months. And it's kind of paying off... I mean, I get cold and bruised really easy now, and super tired after a walk, and I fell asleep yesterday in the middle of the day! It's sunny outside but the breeze is FREEZING. But it's all worth it, and any more pain that's going to come with losing weight. BRING IT ON!!! I'm not failing this time, no way.

21 lbs. down, 35 (at least) more to go.

Until I can fit in Japan as a normal girl. I'm so, so glad I'm not too tall, or big-footed or big-handed or big-headed. If I just lose weight and body mass, and figure out what to do with my hair and clothes and face, then I can... maybe, just maybe, make some memories as a happy half-Jap kid during my one year of study abroad?

That's all I can think about. My studying abroad in Japan in my junior year in college. Freshman year starts this Fall (I'm excited but terrified) and at Orientation, I'm going to tell my counselor everything about my plans to study abroad and yaaaaay I can really start planning it!! I can't wait...

I was looking through my lyric / picture books of purchased CDs two days ago, like DBSK's Five in the Black, SHINE, and w-inds. and Super Junior etc... I was kinda getting motivated to exercise (that was my purpose) and then I got to my first ever J-pop CD lyric book.

Utada Hikaru's "Can You Keep A Secret?"

My "penpal" "friend" wait, we're actually related! My mom's mom's sister's daughter's daughter. My grandma's sister's granddaughter. What the heck does that make us? Great cousins? Anyway... Kurumi gave it to me when I went to Japan in 2003. I listened to it on my new CD player (she gave me that as well! It died a few months ago... finally, put to rest... ;___;) all the time while I was in Japan. On the train back to Tokyo, to the airport, on the airplane back to America, mostly. Everytime I think of the songs on that CD, I picture the blurring scenes from the train. I really, really vividly do. The green trees flashing past, the tunnel, coming in to Tokyo but first the little villages, the steps, the temple and hills that looked like they were from Totoro!!

So when I saw the booklet of the first J-pop CD I ever received, the song started playing in my head. I haven't listened to it for years, but I remember it perfectly. And I started to cry... because I want to return to Japan so, so, bad.

---------------------

I watched Shrek 3 for the first time today, and I was surprised at how good it was! All I wanna do now though is watch the Japanese version and hear lovely prince TACHIBANA KEITA do Artie!!!!! GAHHHH especially the part where he begs to Merlin to cast the spell... XXDD

I was going to watch Cinderella Man tonight but I ended up blogging and youtubing too long, is there enough time? I wanna go to bed early -___-; And tomorrow's a new day. Again. Starting the exercise and diet process all over again. But tomorrow, my walk is to Farmer's Market to get fresh, sweet fruit! :D My sister and I walk over every Saturday. The white peaches are the bessstt... the cherries and strawberries are awesome too. And also, clothes shopping for summer camp, to Wal-Mart tomorrow! *sigh* I don't want to buy clothes yet, but time is running out and I HAVE to. I don't want to get new clothes until I lose all the weight I want to shed! And then, I want to get pretty, feminine, cute Japanese-ish clothes.

Roots and Wings on Sunday. Dreading. But not a much as what else is happening on Sunday.

I don't know how I will react. Or act. Maybe breakdown? Hopefully in private.

Anyway.

I wanna go to bed now.

Back in business...?

2009-06-17T20:50:00.001-07:00

Monday: Recorded three songs, uploaded three videos.
Tuesday: Recorded two songs.
Wednesday: Recorded three songs, uploaded one video.

When I saw that my Epik High "One" piano version had hit 100,000+ views, I was so surprised and happy. That makes two videos that I'm proud of. Haha.

Tomorrow, Replay, hopefully. Working on Rainy Night too, and Kimi Suki. I want to play my favorite songs over again with HQ ^^ I want to be proud... of something, anything.

It was a close call today, lol. Nearly breakdown! While recording all the Mirotic piano versions. Messed up like crazy, screaming and getting a headache too. So tired while playing, could close my eyes and fall asleep almost.

I can't believe you read it all, smurf-chan!!!!!!!!!! ><;

Late Nights

2009-06-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

Wow am I getting my fix of boybands tonight.Is it all the weeks of not keeping up?Hahaa... I've been staying up past midnight (yesterday was 3am ><;) just watching music videos, cute clips, dances, listening to music, writing fanfic (JUNSU-OPPA X3) ~~~ 1. MIROTIC.I will never, ever, ever never ever ever never ever get tired of this song and dance. I'm still as insanely crazily obsessed as I was in SEPTEMBER when it came out. It's been ten months. I'm officially never going to forget this song. I will learn the dance if it's the last thing I do. The hardest part is just getting my physical body to bring up the dance tutorial (slow mo mirror of dance mv) up and just DOING it. I'm so embarrassed about my sloppiness even though NO ONE can see me, or knows I'm learning this dance even. I learned a lot from kaotsun's tutorial last October, and do most of the hand motions all the time while listening to it lolll but not the leg movements. I'm so not used to my body moving like that, I can't get used to it... but I want to do it so bad, so bad... I'm all daydreams and hope, not action. I have to change that! That's why, I am learning Wonder Girls' Tell Me dance first! It's simple, EVERYONE knows it except me, and I'll use it to boost my confidence (hopefully) and practice until I'm fairly good at it. I have to perfect it before One Heart Camp, just in case other BCs know it too and we can dance at entertainment night!!! OMO THAT MAKES MY HEART POUND WITH EXCITEMENT XDAnd back to Mirotic, OMO all I do is play piano because that's what I'm comfortable with! I've recorded four piano versions/duets, a piano & drum duet and double guitar duet @.@; I memorized the lyrics so fast, just rereading the page I printed over and over. I have to memorize the Japanese version too! Gah! I can actually reach all the notes except Changmin's scream, I have NEVER tried that. I don't have the courage to even try ><; Jaejoong's high note (C# after B for DOU~~~) makes my throat hurt, because that's what I sing with. My throat. I've begged my mom to teach me how to sing with my diaphragm, but she won't and I don't know any singing teachers around and I'm so desperate to learn how to sing, but wait I was talking about dancing gahhhhh *breaks down into puddle of tears* I want to sing and dance sooooo bad, all the while wanting to be skinny and beautiful so bad too... and that is why I've been depressed for the past... 3 years!!! No, really, specifically the past few months, it's been worst. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. Not even that "moment of happiness" I wrote a song about was true, true happiness, because I was alone in my room, at the piano. True happiness cannot be felt by oneself, right? But guess what, I've pretty much lost everything. At church, I think people hate me yeah. I have three friends left at church who I talk to, actually. I know others care, like Deanne, she always always talks to me and says hi and takes time for me, Kwanchai too, both of them, like no one else... and the aunties don't hate me either, and uncles, but my age... my grade, those a few older than me, they hate me. I've seen it... I know I brought it onto myself. Because I have no self-confidence, I accidentally hurt others in my silence and unfriendliness. Being sociable and making conversation or just saying hi is the hardest thing for me to do in the world (other than sing and dance... ><;). I don't know how I'm going to get married. I'll never be matched. When a possible match finds out that I'm socially challenged and have self-esteem problems like no other, they're gonna turn away! Who wants to be with someone like me. No one. That's why I taught myself how to be "happy" by myself. I taught myself how to like loneliness. Though at white water rafting, I felt true loneliness for the first time in my life and I just burst into tears and bawled until I fell asleep, alone in my tent... no one wanted to sleep in the same tent with me, and they whispered to each other "why does she have her own tent" and they had to squeeze all in one tent. I didn't want to be alone, but it's just no one knows me, I don't know anyone well enough to be called a real "friend" not just a "hello" once in a while "friend," so I was alone and no one wanted to share the tent with me. I shared it with my little stuffed teddy bear keychain. That's the night I named him. It just fell into my head. Kkum. //Kkoom// meaning "dream" in Korean. Kkum-kun <3 He was with me on my lonelinest night. Too bad a song didn't come to me that time. It might've been a huge hit across the world, lol, because my loneliness was so deep and real, surely I would be able to express it in a song. And wow, did I not mean to write that much. 2. SHINEE.I've never watched their Love Like Oxygen MV! And honestly, I don't know their names yet... only Jonghyun ;____; I'm such a horrible fan. All I know are a few rough words from their Replay song, and how to play their songs on piano. I need to work on loving them properly. Official All-Time Favorite Song List~Meaning, I always listen to them with the same happiness/excitement as the first time I heard them. Even years after. It's been 5 years since Sakura, no? My first introduction to J-pop, which led to K-pop, which lead to stopping classical piano and trying out playing by ear and here I am, wishing I was Japanese, fluent in Japanese Korean and English and Chinese and Spanish, in Japan or Korea where I'm supposed to be, with people like me. Moriyama Naotarou - SakuraTVXQ - MiroticTVXQ - KimiSukiSuper Junior - MiracleSandy Lam - At Least I Still Have You (SJM's cover, tho ^^;) Hm... I thought I could remember more... but I'll stick this in the side of my blog as a list and add to it when I can remember ^^ Each song is thought over super carefully. It's my official list. I won't put anything that hasn't completely captured my heart. These songs so far, I've noticed, are songs that I always sing, even by myself without the original blasting in the background. I play piano or guitar and sing by myself to these songs. Let's see, what else is there to ramble about? It's almost midnight now. I should sleep more, I woke up an hour and a half late today GAH. Oh, reminds me, forcing down cold water before breakfast to rev up my metabolism and help me lose weight makes me want to barf. It feels so awful. I can't random thoughts about this one guy from popping into my head. But I have something so much worse to worry about. No, I shouldn't think about it at all. It's inevitable, all I can do is prepare myself, then use one of my best skills: ignorance. Yups, ignore, ignore ignore him. Maybe past feelings won't be reawakened... but I doubt it. It's going to come back. Oooooooh I'm working on a song! Whenever I work on it, in my head, Junsu is singing. I'm writing this song as if Junsu would sing it, really, in real life... it's in his key. The low notes are just at the edge of his range, where he can really growl and crunch his voice like in Stand Up <-- gah that song kills me, he has BOTH verses to himself!!! It's just FULL of Junsu-oppa's crazy voice X3 But what kills me most haaaaaaa is Share the World!!! HIS DOLPHIN SCREAM XD

I can't play piano how I want to play. I'm not good enough yet to be happy with what I hear myself playing. I can't play what I am trying to play! The dynamics, the feeling, it's all wrong. And my dad thinks I don't put any emotion into my piano playing. That hurts a lot when he comments like that... okay he didn't EXACTLY say that, but he meant it. Because I can't sway and flail my arms like professional children prodigy kids do. If I move too much while playing piano, I'll mess up. That's how bad I am. I'm trying, but the most I can do, or can consciously realize I'm doing, is make a face. My face always looks pained when I'm playing piano though lol. Because I'm concentrating so hard to not mess up. Only when I'm angry, do I let loose, not care about mistakes, and... I guess look furious haha. That's when I play Mirotic crazy mad lady insanity banging piano version. It's about twenty times too fast, I never let go of the pedal, a bit painful on the ears, and hurts me hands because I use nearly all my fingers for every bit of the song. But I like playing sad songs, like heartbreak sad songs. My ballad piano version of SHINee's Replay, that's good for me to make a painful face and try to play with emotion.

Ooooooooh yeah, I remember. I'm super good at remembering bad memories. I never forget. And I'm super cursed. Well anyway, more about piano and how bad I am. I don't think I played piano good once in public. Oh, only once. One time. The one time I wasn't nervous AT ALL. I was super happy and calm, and super grateful to be able to play for the church congregation at New Year's Day Entertainment. I played piano accompaniment for my mom, who sang my all time favorite song, Sakura by Moriyama Naotarou. I think I messed up mildly, twice, but I was never happier... people talked about our performance for months. I remember it had been on the old acoustic piano. I'm cursed with keyboards. I can't play them right unless they're in my room, I'm locked away in privacy, and I am not stressed, and not recording. Yeah...

Kigen is opinion, I think, in Japanese. A recent word I learned. No idea what the kanji looks like though.

I tried to speak only Japanese, and only write Japanese in my journal the past two or three weeks or so, but it's so hard. I can't express anything I feel right. But I want to become fluent so bad, and just talk Japanese all day to my mom and have her correct me, but I don't think I'm getting better. Will studying abroad in Japan help?

No use now though. I'm going to study abroad in Japan in my junior year of college. Or sophomore if possible. I can't stop thinking about it the past few weeks. Daydreaming about living in a dorm, in Japan. Of course, I'm skinny by then in my daydreams. Skinny and I know how to do my hair, a little makeup, and omg, I get found by this talent agency and become a world famous model, actress, singer, dancer, pianist, composer and entertainer!

Right... right...

I know there are going to be a lot of tears really soon in my life. In 16 days to be exact. The day One Heart leadership starts. I'm already getting afraid of going. I made the goal to staff this workshop in winter workshop, six months ago. I promised myself I would do it, so before I could even think properly I signed myself up and now there's no turning back. I do that to myself sometimes, yeah. So now I'm starting to worry and picture these awful situations. Like, dancing in front of everyone freestyle for 30 seconds. I'd die of facial inflammation, irregular heart beat, and simply, embarrassment. Dancing, as an icebreaker practically for fun in front of people I've known for years. What the heck. What is wrong with me. Why did I lose all my self-esteem? It went down to the negatives. I've calculated. I'm around negative 200 right now. If I have a bad food day, or one little mean comment by a family member makes me run to my room and cry, that loses about 10 - 15 points. If I have a breakdown, it's about 50. I don't remember anything raising my self esteem, though. For months. Nothing. Well, so far having lost approx 13 pounds from diet and exercise (torture), that should make me feel better, but knowing how far I have to go, I don't feel better. I'm not halfway yet. My goal is to be in the Japanese girl weight area. I want to fit in Japan when I go there. I want to live there, but I'm studying abroad to see if I can, first. I know my life goal, but I don't know the details, and how to get there, but it has to do with Japan. I don't have to live there, but I want to go there so bad. America is so--take that back. I haven't been to every corner of America. I've been to several states. I will speak for my town, that I live in, right now.

Hayward, California, is the ugliest, dirtiest little town I could possibly live in. In America. Why do we live here? There's garbage all down the streets and sidewalks, in the grass, the bushes, the school. Living on the same block as two high schools and a preschool isn't good. The @#$^$@^# high schoolers don't care about their own city, and just litter fastfood and coffee garbage everywhere. It makes me so angry. I've picked up the trash around the block several times, but the next day, it's all back. There's been a pair of boxers and pants and socks down our street for a few weeks that's making me so angry and disgusted. Also, because there are so many foreigners in our city, our schools have very low standards. Many employees in stores and restaurants have heavily acccented English, making it hard to understand them. It's annoying, actually. Seeing Spanish signs, translations and posters everywhere, in AMERICA, makes me angry. Frustrated. I feel really detached from this place, because I don't like it, don't want to like it, and have never really fit in.

I don't want to be here. In this city, in this state, in this country, in this period of my life! Graduating from high school (homeschool) to go to college for four years focusing on study and only study! I dread it all. Except studying abroad to Japan. I'm mostly afraid though.

Oh yeah. A little while ago, I figured out how to explain my life.

For the past seven years, since I started homeschooling (6th grade) I have been living on the wrong side of the glass wall. I'm alone, on one side. The world passes by without noticing me, on the other side. Fun, laughter, friends, adventures, feelings, emotions, pain, happiness, craziness... school, homework, concerts, sports, games, screaming, jumping, getting in trouble, sleepovers, learning how to use makeup, do your hair, staying up late with friends, just talking, or watching movies, hanging out... all those things, I just watched from my silent side of the glass wall. (at first I thought of it as an aquarium, but it didn't fit =\) I watched life go by, just being alone at home, home schooling for 7 years.

I found the door to solitude in 6th grade. Some of my most colorful and vivid memories are from kindergarten. I remember Easter Egg hunts, DP night, swallowing soap ><; allergies, hundreds of ladybugs, chewed cheeseballs, old friends. Everything is in bright color. Then in elementary school, I had the best friends ever. Tiffany, Veronica, Yen Nhi, Jennifer. I had never, and have never, been myself more than when I was with them. I liked school because they were there. They liked me, and I didn't even have the idea that I should change myself to be liked by others. I was me, they were them, and we clicked. Life was fun. They weren't even BCs, and I had never had closer friends.

Then, with this town at fault, my dad pulled me out of public school. The middle school wasn't such a good place, he and others said. So I stayed home, sending letters to my friends for a couple years until they stopped replying or I lost contact. I've never seen Veronica since 5th grade. I saw Jennifer and Tiffany once each I think, to drop off Christmas presents? But then Tiffany never replied to my letters and I was afraid she moved or had new friends and didn't want to be mine anymore. Jennifer emails me still! :D But I haven't seen her, and she's going to UC Davis in the fall. I email Yen Nhi too, but... she's changed so much. I can't say I haven't either, but... things are just not the same. And they can never be again.

All the time at church, people were trying to make me talk more, be myself more, not be afraid to show who I am. It stuck in my head that being quiet was wrong, it wasn't right. Sure, at home I was louder, and not afraid to just blurt out what was on my mind, and scream or laugh or cry when I just felt like it. It's because they're family, blood related, I guess. They know everything about me already, there's nothing to hide.

But I guess... homeschooling meant being alone. With the computer. I could find out anything about anything if I wanted to. And music came into my life. It started with Radio Disney and A teens, Aaron Carter, 9 Days. Cute pop songs~ then my neighbor introduced me, I think, to Evanescence and Linkin Park and those American artists. I was hooked. Music tickled my ears. It made me feel good. So I had my CD player with me all the time.

While home schooling, I think the only thing I remember is the non-studying part. When everyone else came home from school, we played outside. Tag, basketball, baseball, soccer, volleyball, matanage, frisbee, anything. We just played and played. We had a playground back then too, and I was fit and could run faster than EVERYBODY at home.

One day... I looked at myself, and thought I was fat. I have no idea what I compared myself to. But, I just thought so *shrug* So began the years of dieting that still continue to today...

Why am I writing an autobiography?

Blurting feels good I guess. Oh, Horton Hears a Who was a really really good movie! So funny, but nothing bad :)

So yeah, miso soup and cabbage diet, tofu diet, only oatmeal, rice and fruit diet. Then, the binging interval where I eat all the calories I missed in a short period of time. Fluctuating 40 pounds a year. During service for peace... omo... I remember that time well too. One week of hardly eating, hardly sleeping, and working outside all day made me lose 10 pounds and have spiritual experiences where I heard voices and saw some kind of people... but even THEN, at my lowest weight since... who knows when, I wasn't actually skinny. Just normal. Why couldn't I just be okay with normal? I gained all the weight back like in two days.

Then I just stopped eating anything at all and "ate" a frozen cup of juice for meals. For a month? Went from my heaviest weight to my average weight. I always stay around this average weight in between the extremes. I get stuck there when I try to lose weight. I'm glad to say I'm 12.5 pounds under that weight right now, but it's not much to be proud of when I need to lose at least 40 more pounds to be happy.

Gosh it's past 12:30 in the morning now. I have to wake up early to eat my little breakfast in peace!!! Then exercise and walk to Target and practice piano and try to be happy!

I kinda miss Cheongpyeong right now. Because California weather has been STUPID. DON'T PREDICT 92 DEGREE WEATHER WHEN ALL WE ACTUALLY GET IS GRAY CLOUDS AND A COLD WIND ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS "SUMMER WEATHER." We're in California. It's the middle of June. I want some heat please. Can I sweat, please?

Misa said Japanese people like pale skin. If you're pale faced, it makes up for all your ugliness, they said. Why am I trying to tan? I'll tan this summer, and by the time I go to Japan I'll make sure I'm pale enough.

If I could, I'd eat cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal. Well, maybe two meals. Because dinner is so good. But yeah, the past two months all I can think is the word "deprivation." I'm waiting for the day when I'm at a steady super low weight and I can eat an occasional ice cream cone or sweet.

Can I run in the rain with my husband? Eat ice creams together in the humid summer? Listen to 당신이기에 after dark in the car on a long roadtrip, the stars shining above us, holding hands?

I'm afraid that if I'm never able to be satisfied with myself, and like myself, then I can never love another person either and in turn, that person can't love me too.

I know the 2.5 weeks in San Bernadino in camp next month are going to be so hard, and at least a couple breakdowns of tears (i hope not in public. I'm always the one who does that. Past OHCs, Guatemala, Cheongpyeong, winter workshop... ><;). I just know it. Some for painful things, and others for happiness, I think. By the end, I'll be bawling from having to be separated from my LA friends again. I'll cry because I have to go back home to the stupidest ugliest town ever, to my stupid boring one-goal-which-is-to-be-beautiful-and-not-do-anything-but-try-to-lose-weight-life, after two and a half weeks of actually living life. Even though it's a sheltered 2.5 weeks with only BCs and church members, I know it's going to open me up more than anything has in the past six months since Winter Workshop. My conscience tells me I need a wakeup call. But I don't want one. I don't want to be distracted from my goal, because right now, all I do is try to lose weight and do my hair and look prettier, little by little. I think, I believe I can be happy once I'm skinny. What, when I finally see a certain number on the scale, I'll be struck with infinite happiness and never be sad again? Nothing's gonna change if I lose a little body mass, what am I thinking? But... it's hopeless. It's drilled into my head. Life will be better if I'm skinny. It just will. But being someone who's not supposed to care about superficial things or physical looks, I can't even.. I can't even...

sigh.

I'm really bad.

Yessss this entry is so long no one will read it! Success *kapow* XD

I love reading Sammy Keyes!! Sammy x Casey~~ I'm still on Art of Deception, rereading and am on Moustache Mary right now, it's so good, though I've read it before!!!!!!!! I don't want to grow up. I want to read these kinds of books forever. I don't want to have responsibilities. I don't want stress, worry...

Otonani naritakunakute... kodomo no mama de iindatte...
~Kimaguren

Phew... I've lost all my steam. And it's 1am. What time is it in Japan?

I want to be a special person to someone. I want to not be afraid to give my whole heart to someone. I don't want to be afraid to open my solid, locked armor, and risk getting truly hurt. I want to care for someone. I want to be an important person in someone's life. 大事な人。

I want to feel. I want to live.

もらった・買った物♥

2009-06-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

お母さんと妹たちが日本から帰って、　お土産！！

・智恵子おばさんからの可愛いハンドバッグ♥
・メークバッグ？
・みさからもらったアンジェラ・アキの「手紙　～　拝啓十五の君へ　～」
・みさからのStickers ♥
・みさからのピンク色ぺん♥
・名前キーチェイン♥

そう、　私の名前は亜矢子です＾＾　そう呼べたいのに。。。

・智恵子おばさんからのワンピース♥　着たい～～～！！！！！

・お母さんの故郷のシャツ

・おばあちゃんからのリラックマシャツ。　可愛い～～

これからは自分で買ったもの。

・タブロさんの本。

DAISOから買った。。。

・ノート３枚
・まつげカーラー

・Eyebrow tweezers

・髪ゴム

・日本に行けるようにSaveするお金の箱
・旅行歯ブラシセット　

・はし

・新しいめがね。　昔いつも黒だったけど。。。つもりなしでBurgundyのをもらった。

Folica.comからSolia Flat Iron を買ってしまいました。　でも本当に嬉しいです！！！！　髪の毛がめちゃストレートで、　やわらかくて。。。　髪の毛は一生初めて好きです。

最後にコロラドに行った時のもの。　

・熊キーチェイン

・バンパースチッカ

・とまってた家の奥さん殻の部屋サイン

・父さんが買ってくれた好きなシャツ♥

以上です＾＾

まだまだやせないと。。。　キレイにならないと。。。

Hugs

2009-06-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to all of you who commented on my depressed (lol) entry... <3 Thank you for your concern and cheerful words... =)

どうしようもないよ

2009-05-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

やせないと。
キレイにならないと。
日本人にならないと。
料理を上手にならないと。
いい娘にならないと。
いい姉ちゃんにならないと。
いい奥さんにならないと。
いいお母さんにならないと。
いい友達にならないと。
ピアノを上手に弾かないと。
幸せを見つけないと。
人生の意味を満たさないと。

日本に行かないと。

Maybe I can't take it anymore.

2009-05-10T18:28:00.001-07:00

How much do I suck at being a genuine human being?
Maybe enough to lock myself in my house and stop trying, stop trying to be someone. Instead of being famous, today I wanted to be invisible. What about beautiful, talented and invisible? That would be nice. I could be happy with myself, I could see everyone else happy without me, and everything would be dandy. I think everyone hates me. I can't do anything right. I have nothing. I'll become nothing at this rate, no matter how hard I try.
Why not stop trying. Just stop. Everything.

Chopping bamboo forests down is good for my anger and frustration and despair. I can chop with the loppers and snap and break and stomp on all the bamboo that I hate seeing in my yard. All the while, getting cuts and bruises and bleeding and itching and getting sunburn. Pain felt good today. Bleeding felt and looked good. Like, look, someone pity me. And no one does, so... I don't know why I like being sad. Do I like being in pain? Being a nobody and feeling useless, worthless. No matter how happy I think I get, it's taken away in a second and I don't think I've ever once felt true happiness. I am waiting for the day I can find true happiness and satisfaction with myself, in this life.

Right now, Epik High is singing and rapping the deepest emotions of my life. I should by Tablo-sshi's book. I wanted to go to Utada Hikaru's CD signing in San Francisco on Thursday, but, of all times, we are going on a big road trip across the USA on Tuesday. Just like the two concert locations that I could actually attend David Archuleta's concert, I will be in LA, this summer. I'm cursed.

Yeah, I'm cursed. That's what it is. Maybe my ancestors are at the bottom of this. My negative self esteem. Gah, I don't think I'll become a cutter, but it's not like I'm trying to prevent these cuts and bruises from chopping bamboo and exercising too much...

I'm cursed in several ways. One is too embarrassing to mention. 2nd, when I drive, no one is behind me. If they are, they are tailgating me. For some reason, people don't drive behind me. I bet it's a bad thing. 3rd, when I am around, my dad messes up on whatever he is doing. I swear, this is true. I show up to help, and he measures a piece of wood wrong on the shed, or forgets something somewhere.

I wish I could express emotions into amazing songs like Epik High.

To Colorado, on a road trip.. for some reason. Maybe I can find myself. I thought I knew who I was, but I don't like her. I've been trying to hard to change her, but it's not working. I wonder why God made me like this, or is it my fault? I wish I could go back to my childhood and live in blissful ignorance of everything. It's selfish, but I'm too afraid, I can't help it. I am afraid, I am not ready to grow up, I don't know what to do, I am a nobody.

Here I am...

2009-05-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

...this is me... ♫♪
Just kidding XP

Anyway, I am here, at 12:35am, on youtube, obsessed. I'm seriously insane, I think. Staring at the viewcount on the video I just uploaded. I'm so stupid.

I WAS SO HAPPY KRIS WAS SENT TO SAFETY FIRST OMG, I DIDN'T WATCH THE REST OF THE EPISODE XD

Tomorrow morning half my family is going to Japan!! for a month!! Leaving me, my brother and my dad. And our dog. I'm not jealous though... I have a lot do to here.

My priorities:
1. Lose weight.
2. Lose weight and try to be pretty.
3. Stand by You piano version
3. DBSK's album piano versions
3. Study Japanese and Korean like crazy.

I'm so happy. I can record without static now ;_____;

Kris VS. Adam

2009-05-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

I can't believe what happened on Idol tonight. What the judges said.
WTH was Kara THINKING!?
This was one of Kris's best performances ever. It blew me away. His vocals were awesome, his arranging skills are crazy, I mean, omg I'm so angry right now.

I'm a die-hard Kris fan now. Sorry, Adam.

Kris's surprised face at the judge's criticisms... OMG DID THEY SEE THE SAME PERF WE DID?? KRIS WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS VOICE BEATS OUT EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!! For the past few weeks Adam has been losing points with me and finally, tonight, it's official.

I'm voting for Kris until the end.

Praying...

2009-05-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Junsu-sshi, stand again, soon... <3

Isn't is kind of ironic... that at the exact same time we are all introduced to DBSK's July single, "Stand by You," Junsu sprains his ankle and can't stand anymore?

Rest, rest, and get better oppa...

I just need to store this here for a little bit...

2009-05-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

준수오빠... Junsu-sshi...
I am praying for you to heal quickly, and to not be in pain... please get better soon. 사랑합니다. We all do ♥

----------------------

★こんにちは, I'm Jenny =)

★PROUD BC ♥

★I love every kind comment I receive on my videos and channel. Thank you so much! And responses are simply the best.

★ I am sorry for all the requests I will not be able to fulfill! =( And messages I take forever in replying! I SWEAR I will eventually reply! I am busy right now...

★I am a girl. 18. Half Japanese, half British. Keyboard: Kurzweil SP88X

★Practicing... NO PROMISES ^^;
[DBSK - The Secret Code ♥♥♥]
♥ Survivor ♥ Kiss the Baby Sky ♥ 忘れないで ♥ Beautiful You

I just heard "Stand by You." Omo ♥

★Why I started playing by ear:
One day I just got fed up with being so dependent on sheet music, so I sat at my acoustic piano (right next to my neighbor's wall) while blasting Rising Sun (DBSK) and didn't stop playing until I figured out the song :) I recommend this technique to anyone and everyone ^^

★I play music because...
- it's fun, and I love it ^^
- to entertain others
- to support the singers/musicians I love (DBSK, Super Junior, w-inds., Moriyama Naotarou, k-pop j-pop c-pop fighting! XD)
- to help others learn (piano tutorials...)
- to encourage peace and friendship through sharing the same love of music...
- to try to make my family and community proud ♥

★ 제가 사랑하는 가수들은...
♥ 동방신기 --준수오빠~♥
♥ 슈퍼주니어 --예성오빠♥
♥ w-inds.
森山直太郎, Big Bang, David Archuleta, WaT, Se7en, Angela Aki, 嵐, Yui, ,SHINee ♥, ayaka, Lead... など♥

------------
★ You are free to download and use any of my audio/video, with proper credit :) Just one thing, please don't re-upload my stuff (video / audio)! I don't see the point of that. I am here, uploading to youtube, so why upload a song AGAIN? Okie? Thanks you... =)

★My summer goal is to be able to show how I look (for everyone, I'm so sorry that I'm 'mysterious'! I don't mean to be =\) in a piano or dance video, maybe if I can perfect Sorry Sorry or Mirotic (after a major makeover LOL) :D

New CDs (two weeks ago...)

2009-05-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

My batch of CDs from YesAsia, a couple weeks ago! :D

Super Junior's 3rd album, SORRY SORRY (versions A & B). Version B for me, A for my friends' birthday ^^

Some photos of the inside of Version B.

More photos, version B only.

DBSK's "The Secret Code"!!!!! XD I got a little Jaejoong card ^^ I've never gotten Junsu... =(
Oh yeah, I got the Korean version because 1) it has Korean translations of the lyrics and 2) it was cheaper xp

Share the World!!! LOVE AT FIRST LISTEN OMGGG XD I got Yunho's card~ :D

All four CDs from my batch ^^ $54 total :P

준수오빠!!!!!

2009-05-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY NOW!!!!!! I can't believe it...

Break my leg instead, so you can be fine... ;__;

Recently

2009-05-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

I love DBSK's new leaked song. It's so beautiful. Stand by You. Hope I can do it justice. It's so pretty, it's making me cry right now, even though I can't hear the words (such LQ).

-----------------

Sunday was painful.
Sunday evening was absolute torture.

-----------------

I played a grand piano on Friday. At UC Berkeley. It was a super old and awful sounding grand piano, but still a grand (baby?) and I was happy =) I played Nunan Neomu Yeppo (Replay) for a homeless lady <3

OMFLIPPINGOSH!!!!

2009-04-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

EPIK HIGH IS COMING TO SAN FRANCISCOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Stuff. I never know what to call these posts.

2009-04-22T13:45:00.001-07:00

YEAAAAAAAAAAH MISS CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!
You were so awesome!!! SO AWESOME!!!!!! In the pageant, the question, your answer, your reason, your beliefs... I am with you, I am on your side, 120%. ANTI ANTI!!!!!!!!!! You were SO cool.

-----------------

And so it has begun,
Operation: Beautiful.

-----------------

I won't stand for it anymore. No more, no more.
I'm not going to watch violent tv shows anymore. I used to love them, they were so "exciting," "interesting!" and couldn't wait for that day of the week.
I am not going to watch them anymore. What I watch, my little sisters watch, and that is a bad, bad influence. I am sitting there, lazily agreeing to expose them to violence, homicide suicide murder crime scene sex drugs cussing and broken families on tv. We see enough of it in real life, I don't need to bring it in for entertainment.

It's fiction, so what. That fiction is probably influencing nonfiction: REALITY!!! I am not going to watch them anymore, no more I SAY!! I am not going to listen to music that I don't believe in anymore. I want to spray paint billboards and ads with models, makeup, nudity and bad influences then set them on fire and stomp on them. I want to take down tobacco, beer, porn companies!!!! WHAT DO THEY THINK THEY'RE DOING!!??? HELLOOOO???? HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN WHAT THIS WORLD HAS COME TO!!!!!!!!????? I HATE THIS, I WON'T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! I'M STANDING AGAINST IT ALL, BUT NOT QUIETLY, OOHHH NO, NOT QUIETLY. JUST WATCH ME. JUUUUUSSTT WATCH ME.

Today is

2009-04-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

the first day of sweet summer vacation.

AI

2009-04-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

Woot!

2009-04-08T11:34:00.001-07:00

ADAM LAMBERT ALL THE WAY.

Kris Allen is really good too =)

It worked!

2009-04-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

Last week I had like four nights of nightmares in a row. Horrible nightmares. And last night I was afraid to go to sleep so I cried and prayed, then put True Parent's picture above me on my bookshelf, the DP under my pillow, and gripped TP's little picture and a paperbooklet of quotes on True Love by True Father until I fell asleep.

I even woke up early, before my little sister! (That's pretty early. I know I get sleeping in late from homeschooling ><;) and am ready for the day. I'm redetermined to take care of my younger brothers and sisters, blood-related and extended. I have not been doing so great at that for the past 18 years ;__;

I miss my relatives in Japan and England. It's been 2.5 years since going to Japan, I think 7 years since going to England. Especially since getting in touch with cousin Linda and Jennie, whom I don't remember in any memories, I miss them a lot!!!! I can't remember them at all, at allll I feel bad and I miss them. They are family, yet we are thousands of miles away. Families aren't supposed to be like that. When I get married and have a family, I want to be close to my parents so my children will have their grandparents nearby.

I wish I were close with my cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents ;___; And friends too. The only one I am close to is Jake. My dog. Just kidding. My little sister, I am closest to. Kristyyyyyy <3 Misa has gotten so far away the past several months I think... =( Me and Justin though, have music and younger BCs to keep us connected. Partly thanks to youtube haha!

To be honest I forced myself not to look at youtube after uploading sorry sorry on piano, hoping it'd reach 20,000 by the time I looked today. How disappointed I was HAHA. 1,000. I haven't had a real good hit since June last year. Has my piano playing skill deteriorated? Do I choose the wrong songs? Do I play them too late, after other people have played awesome covers? How did Royal Pirates get 40,000+ views in four days!! I'm so, so jealous. I've never gotten that.

Maybe... Super Junior's "Why I Like You" and "Reset" is what everyone wants to hear? I know Yoonha85 probably won't be doing that, he likes to stick to the huge hits of mainstream media. And he's GOOD at it omg, so good. Royal Pirates too, only do the biggest hits like Mirotic.

So... what I have to do is play songs super fast, as quick as possible after release or leakage, play it well, and give chords/tutorial. Maybe I will make people happy like that...? ;__;

I thought I was good at banging songs, fast loud songs, but now it seems like quiet, emotional songs are easier @.@ In either case, I know my playing has declined in some way because I can't play classical anymore. I haven't really really tried, but my fingers aren't as accurate as a few years ago, during classical lessons. Maybe I need classical lessons again, this time seriously. Just to up my k-pop playing? LOL.

I miss w-inds. I owe them so much more than one piano version (ageha). Moriyama Naotarou too. They were the ones that introduced my to the world of Asian music. If it wasn't for them, who knows, I might still be stuck on Evanescence and Linkin Park ><;

Today, I will practice sorry sorry on guitar with Justin. Also Nae Meoriga Nappaseo on guitar. And Auld Lang Syne on piano. I want to dedicate that to Jennie and Linda <3 Also, library, grocery shopping, English lesson, vacuuming... I'll try to keep a positive attitude, in contrast to yesterday's depression.

The Open Window by Saki was funny! XD

ageha

2009-04-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I miss w-inds... =(

BTW, if I remember right, Leadership for One Heart '09 is July 2 - 4.
High school OHC: July 5 - 11
Middle school OHC: July 12 - 18 =)

American Idol tonight

2009-04-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Megan is such a happy bubbly funny ray of sunshine...
Even if she wasn't the best singer, she was nice... ^^;

Adam Lambert & Kris Allen all the way!! <3

Las Vegas

2009-03-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

March 28 - 29, 2009
Aaaannd of course blogspot takes out all the formatting ARGH >:(

10:30pm
THE DRIVE THERE
San Leandro, California --> Las Vegas, Nevada
100+ members waited at church for the two buses. I thought about STF, and how I wasn't going to it. The past few weeks, everything is pointing to how awful of a decision it was for me to go to college right after high school. After sending in my scholarship essays and finally getting accepted at CSUEB, I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I wanna go to NGA!! Or STF!! Or service somewhere, somehow!!! Why, why, why did I go to college right away!! I want to gain experiences and strengthen my faith, and have colorful memories to share with my husband because, because... I want my husband to have done a year of service. I need to do one year too. But my mom told me... that it's okay, everyone has their own way.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Slept on an off on the bus (11:30pm - 10am), it was FREEZING, my neck ached, my back hurt, my legs were cramped, but at least I fell asleep to Super Junior's SORRY SORRY haha XD
We stopped around 7am at a McDonald's (I went there before, I'm sure of it!). I mean, we invaded it XD
Arrived at the hotel around 10:15am, waited in the lobby area for our room keys. Met up with lots of members!!! We got our key and went up to our 11th floor. My mom and I shared a room with the Osaka family. The view wasn't as I had hoped for, but it was okay... =\ I wanted to find the stairs but I couldn't!! I was so excited about the stairs goshdarnsitall, racing down... ;___;
THE ACTUAL EVENT
I SAW KINESHA!! WINNA!! MISOOK!! RON!! Omo I miss them so much already... Oh! And other people from Cheongpyeong, winter workshop (that I don't REALLY know, so I didn't talk to them), STF...
Hyung Jin Nim is so gentle and kind, and his words are softly encouraging.
In Jin Nim is gentle and kind too, and very close to us. Yes, usually I felt really far, like the True Family are superstars and I am a mortal, a nobody. But In Jin Nim really brings us closer, like one family under God, as we should be. I love In Jin Nim! <3
Kook Jin Nim was so funny!!! XD He was so grateful for our "warm welcome" because when people usually see him, they run XD They run away because if you have to talk to him in private, he's probably going to fire you!!
At the first event, with all the guests, we watched that well-known slide show. But it never gets old. I always want to cry when the Spirit music stars, and we see the people in Israel crying and hugging...
The person who spoke at the second event, to members only, before True Family was so funny, he kept saying "exciting" instead of "excited." Then both Hyung Jin Nim and In Jin Nim used that to joke and everyone laughed a lot XD
We watched a couple slideshows/movies about the Blessing (OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!! DAVID D'OR AND JUSTIN KIM!!!!! I had heard of Justin Kim before but not really his music, and then I heard "blessed child" in his beautiful, beautiful song and I wanted to run home to the computer and search and download it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where Sharon, my friend from Cheongpyeong was loved by the camera!! :D Also, there was True Father, throwing cake LOL and In Jin Nim's barbeque with STF.
"What will you do with your life..."
We all stood and clapped and clapped, and then WOOSH!
My Il Shim ring flew off my finger.
GAH!!!
My first thought was oh no oh no oh no I neeeeeeeed that ring!! I need it to give it to my husband just like Deanne and Kwanchai did exchanging their Il Shim rings!!!! I can't get another one, it'd be so empty and cold and worthless!! Everything that's gone into that ring!! Everything, and everything I stand for!! NO NO NO!!!!!!!

I was on my knees in my skirt for the next ten minutes, searching and searching. Mie, Rie, Mrs. Osaka, my mom, and the people that sat by us were looking too, moving chairs, lifting table cloths, all to help me look for my ring.
One member (lots did, but this sir specifically) asked what I was looking for, and I said my ring. He asked where I was standing where I lost it, how hard I was clapping, what finger it was on, then began lifting chairs and looking around for me. He asked if we'd looked in our bags. I looked through mine three times before, and my mom looked in hers once, but we looked through again. And it was in my mom's bag!!
The man burst out laughing heartily. And after we all laughed, my mom shook his hand and asked for his name.
"??? Tidwell." (I forgot his first name)
I hope we can meet again so I can return his kindness ^^
AFTER THE EVENT
Dinner was a $15 per person buffet. Lots of members were there yay ^^
I was standing in line, waiting for my mom who had gone somewhere, when someone behind me said "yeah, service for peace!" I knew he was commenting on my shirt, and I looked around nervously.
He said hi, and I said hi, but then he looked closer at me and said he remembered me.
It turned out to be Mark!!! :D
~~~
We heard the Mori family singing happy birthday to Aika!! Then a few minutes later, staff of the buffet came out and sang with them again lol!!! :)
After dinner (I had mostly pizza ><;) my mom went to bed while I went with the Zinkes, Osakas, Watanabes and Vicky, Sueja, Toby and Mrs. Califano to the Las Vegas. I thought, we're in Las Vegas, why not see it for a few extra bucks?
I had no idea what the Las Vegas Strip was.
The crescent moon was hovering in the black sky over the brightly lit South Point hotel when we got on the first bus. We sat for a long time, I was wondering just how far we were going to have to go, when we realized we had missed out transfer spot. So ugh, we rode for a long time, then jumped off and got onto a double decker bus! :D We sat on the second floor of course.
We drove by the "pyramid" and "sphinx" that I didn't see really, then got off because traffic was sluggish. All together I think we were 16 people? Big group, mostly younger BCs. We walked around the streets, overwhelmed by the smell of smoke and beer.
The one store we entered was the M&M store. Stacks and shelves of rainbow colored products!! goodness graciousnesses. It was expensive. ??????! Then we kept walking.
I can sum up Las Vegas in one sentence, from what I saw that night.
I thought I was in the center of hell.
Streets and gutters littered with disgusting bits of advertisement, and the people standing and handing them out! To even young people!!!!!!! It was DISGUSTING. Guys that looked evil, smelled horrible, and needed to seriously wash their mouthes and brains out. Girls that needed some clothes, families that needed to get their children OUT of that atmosphere, billboards with gross ads, videos with sickening, flashy beer ads. People making out, dancing ugh, being drunk. I could hardly breathe, the odor was so harsh. My nose already bled twice today, seriously. I wanted out. I couldn't stop thinking, "soul selling."
There were good parts. The water show was amazing, beautiful <3 The lights and huge buildings were cool too!! But I was so afraid of being there. More than for myself, for my younger brothers and sisters there with me. I wish they didn't have to see it all.
I stuck so close to our group, anyone who was closest to me, I think I must've annoyed them. Closer then their shadow, lol... I wanted to see the lights and statues up above, but didn't want to lose anyone! I was so sure that one of our big group would get separated. I must've gotten on especially Mrs. Watanabe's nerves. Masazumi and Kouki too... ><;
We went into a casino to go to the bathroom, the Monte Carlo. It was in... "France" I think. In the women's room, my nose bled, again, for the third darn time. Really it hurt to breathe outside, I don't know what everyone else felt. I washed my hands and went outside, looking for the others.
Everyone was gone.
I put my glasses on quickly.
They were still gone.
And just being alone for those few seconds, people started looking at me. Me, the short, four-eyed t-shirt + granny capri wearing 18 year old, thought I was the center of attention in the world. I know I'm 18. I've been 18 for three months, physically. But honestly, in my mind, I'm still 13. I swear. I look like out on the outside, and I feel it on the inside. And I like looking young, but right now, I was kinda scared.
I ran down the thick red and gold carpet past the slot machines and scary people, and burst out into the night. I still couldn't see them anywhere. Thinking that maybe they forgot me and walked a little ways on (we were a big group), I ran down the steps and street.
I ran until there was a huge crowd of drinkers, smokers, scary people in on the sidewalk. I looked around but couldn't see anyone I recognized, and I thought that they couldn't have possibly gone that far yet. I didn't take that long in the bathroom! So I ran back up the stairs and went back to the casino. I stood just inside the automatic glass doors, fidgeting and trying to be invisible. I knew, I knew that we had only come to the casino to use the bathroom, so they should not be still there. I knew it, but I didn't know what else to.
This guy started coming towards the door. I stared down, pretending I was just waiting for my parents or something. Then the guy changed his steps to come directly to me. I was nervous yeah, but thank goodness, he turned away and just went outside.
Really, I felt like I was the center of the world and everyone was looking at what I was doing, lol. A 13 year old, in the casino, unaccompanied! So I left. I waited outside by the huge water fountain. Waited, looked around for a friendly, familiar face. leaned on the pillar thing and wrote in my journal, like how it was 11:15pm. But I thought I looked weird so I put my stuff away and just looked at the fountain.
I knew I was doing the only logical thing. Thank You, Heavenly Father for giving me the ability to think rationally and logically!!! I had laid out my options:
1) walk down the street, hoping to catch up to them
- that was stupid, there's like a million people out here! a million drunk people.
2) find a phone and call my mom to call Mrs. Zinke (because I didn't know her number)
- I hadn't seen any phones around but really, I am stingy. Even this stingy, yeah... not wanting to spend money while I'm lost in Las Vegas near midnight without a cell phone
3) take the bus back to the hotel
- but then they wouldn't know you were back, and might look for you! stupid idea, but last resort.
4) wait where they know they last saw you, and hope they will realize you're not there and come back
- the smart thing to do, right?
So I did!
I waited, and a guy came up from behind and stood next to me, looking down into the water of the fountain like I was. After a little bit, he spoke to me.
"You're not thinkin' of jumpin', are you...?" he asked, joking.
I laughed, relieved he was so friendly, and said no, no. He left.
I started praying, lol. Heavenly Father, please let me find some BCs, or please let BCs find me. Please let me find the Zinkes or please let the Zinkes find me...
And right when I was praying (with my eyes open, mumbling...) I saw a flash of black and white behind a thick white pillar.
OMO! Vicky was wearing stripes!!
I quickly walked, and...
Vicky and Kaori appeared and they hugged me and told the others by cell phone they found me.
SAVED!!!!!!!!!!! ^^;
I knew I was all right, the whole time, and even excited about something interesting happening to me, but I was relieved to be back with BCs. Together we walked back to the group, where Mrs. Hongo hugged me, everyone kinda stared at me, and Mie told me to get a cell phone and from now on, walk in front of her so she could see me at all times XD
I love them <3
We climbed the stairs to walk on the overpass to the castle, past the statue of liberty? By now, though, I had taken off my glasses. I didn't want to see anything I didn't have to. Truthfully, I have really bad eyesight, but never wear my glasses because I think I look more stupid than I already am. So... taking my glasses off, I really had to watch where I walked in the dark *happy* We walked to the bus station and finally sat down. I think everyone was expecting me to be traumatized and crying, or something... they looked really worried about me ^^; But really, I was perfectly fine. Just disgusted by everything around me, you know...
I closed my eyes and started falling asleep on the bus, but the driver called out "those of you on the second floor, this is your stop to transfer to South Point..." so we were all like huh? what? really! come on, we have to get off! So we began filing out, and the bus driver goes,
"That's your bus to South Point coming! Hurry up!" We stumble to the street in the night and a bus zooms by us and coasts to a stop a ways away. Our bus!!
Some strangers in the lead, calling at us to hurry up, then Masazumi, living up to his legend of speed, then me and everyone else, we ran across the street for the bus lol!!! It was so exciting and invigorating!!!! XD ADRENALINE XP
We made it haha ^^
I never thought I'd be so happy to see a hotel/casino by the time we returned. That's where we can close our eyes, rest ouf heads, and forget the real world for a few hours. And then, it's on again with God's will =)
We got back past midnight and there still members, BCs, wandering around the casino!!! I was surprised. We went in the same elevator up to go to bed =)
As horrible of a time I thought I had in the center of nightlife in Las Vegas, I know why God let me see. He showed me just how huge of a job we have in front of us. To get me ready to know what we're facing. Yeah... it's a pretty big, scary thing to look at. But... True Father believes we can change "Sin City" to the "Shining City" for families. In Jin Nim believes too. So I believe too. I don't know what to do, or how to do it and what I personally can do, but... I'll keep my eyes open and... and just try.
March 29th, 2009
Slept like a rock. Got up 9am, breakfast of senbei, go downstairs.
OOMG--!! Why are members GAMBLING!!!!!!! I was SHOCKED OUT OF MY MIND. I thought, I thought we hated gambling!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then my mom told me it's "okay" to gamble, just not thousands of dollars and stuff. But still, I stubbornly shook my head and still am against gambling.
Mrs. Hongo hugged me again, her hug was so soft! and asked if I was all right, like I was traumatized from yesterday <3 Mrs. Zinke came up to me too.
"So, we've learned a lesson from yesterday. Don't go to the bathroom, right?" I laughed XD "Just kidding."
"Um... go faster...?" I tried. He laughed.
"I think we have to have a buddy system. That's the lesson." He said something about coming again, what kind of experience it was... but ended with how we're going home. "Go back to your music, Jenny."
I will, yes I'll continue to try at music... =)
Then Mrs. Frothingham comes to me, hugs me, and tells me "you (second generation) are the hope of True Parents, the future, and Las Vegas!" :D
We left Las Vegas on the bus around 10am. We tried to watch Jackie Chan but it didn't work. We stopped for lunch in this one town.
"It's windy out there, Jenny," Shinghi said.
LOL, it was hecka windy!!! I couldn't recognize the people around me because of their billowed clothes, wild hair and squinty eyes! Dust blew in our faces and my mom and I went to Subway. In the bathroom, I met Mrs. Barker!! :D We sat out of the wind in Mr. Denni's "oasis" behind a building before going back on the bus. The wind was pretty awesome, except for the dirt ^^
Drove and drove, listening to music, sleeping, taking pictures of outside. Stopped at a rest stop that I swear my family has stopped at before, my mom bought hot chocolate, it was still windy but now my teeth were chattering.
Other than chapped lips, I got home perfectly safe with everyone around... 8? I hope everyone isn't too exhausted still, and feel refreshed from seeing the True Family =)

Weekend

2009-03-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

First of all, I live in NorCal.
I'm going to Las Vegas with my mom tonight!! Leaving almost at midnight, on a 50+ person bus!! Two buses!! Driving all night, eating breakfast on the road, getting to Las Vegas at lunch, and SEEING IN JIN NIM!!! OMO!! YAY!! :D And other True Family!!! For only 2 hours... then we have the whole day to ourselves in the big hotel. I dunno what we're gonna do... personally, I WANT TO SEE KINESHA!!! AND MEGUMI!!! AND EVERYONE ELSE I HAVEN'T SEEN IN SO LONG!!! :D And run up and down the stairs, racing everyone else in the elevator... and see the awesome view I HOPE WE GET LIKE THE 30TH FLOOR!!

I'll be back on Monday! =)
Don't worry, we don't gamble ^^
Then first to upload to youtube is SNSD Gee "Starlight Lullaby Piano Remix" I think. I'm so bad, I play popular songs MONTHS after they're popular, and no one wants to hear more piano versions of it. Smrr00 is super fast at that, and I lag behind haha... I always go astray and play the songs I feel like playing...

Anyway, thank You for today God <3

DBSK - BOLERO Collaboration!!!

2009-03-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

xsilvermercury: guitar, "leader" mixer, uploader
keudae - piano xp

It was so fun and cool!!! We did a collaboration on youtube!!! My first ever, but he's super experienced and a crazy guitar player!!!!! I'm so excited LOL XD

Please watch:
[DBSK - Bolero Collaboration]

Stand Up

2009-03-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

I finished your song yesterday, and uploaded it to Youtube, Heavenly Father. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I couldn't help, no matter how much I practiced. I don't know why you picked me to show that song to everyone, I hardly have the ability to get it out to that many people. But I did my best... I'm seeing what comes from it now, and hoping, just hoping...

Through music, maybe world peace will come sooner...?

[Stand Up]

I offer the song You gave me back to You, for it is Yours.

------------------------------------------------

This morning, the first thing I saw in the newspaper was an article about random passersby stopping a pursesnatcher. It was so awesome. I got so hyper, and it was early morning too! So happy, so happy!! The purse snatcher was stopped by random people coming out of the petsmart, including a 76-year-old man!!! And the victim (58 year old woman!) is okay =) It was so awesome I had to cut it out and paste to my wall :)

-----------------------------------------------

Finished, finally, reading "Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry" today. Whenever I just think those words, I want to cry. Things have gotten better, in terms of equality of color and nationality, but there's still a long way to go... That book was good though :) I read it after making the offering table at church for tomorrow's True Parent's Day.

And then, Las Vegas! I hope enough people will be mobilized for the events. Mobilized. Mobilized. That word is so exciting! It sounds like a Moonie word XD Mobilize our peace army!! ON GUARD!

It was too big to fit in my profile

2009-03-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

If I had one wish, I would wish to be able to speak all the languages in the world so I could help the separated world unite again.
But I know I can't wish like that. So I'm doing what I CAN do. I'm studying, starting with Japanese and Korean. Next will be Chinese and Spanish. I know how hard it is, but I have to do it. I hope I have the strength and determination to complete my life goals. There are so many languages I won't be able to touch... Hebrew, Italian, Welsh, French, Russian, German... but there is only so much I can do. Maybe, someday, become one little bond between countries in some way.

My role models:
Hyung Jin Moon. He knows 10+ languages.
Park Yoochun. Korean, Japanese, English fluency.
Mrs. Ogiwara. One of the kindest people I know. I think her brain is set to seek out any and every way she can help the people around her, the small things.

Isn't the purpose of life to be happy? If I make other people happy, I'll be incredibly happy and satisfied with my life. I hope I can help sow seeds of unity, friendship and love with what I, and only I can do.

------------------------------

When I asked God what, oh what could I do to help His world and suffering, completely begged him to tell me in this strange breakdown I had last month... I was thinking third world country volunteering, NGA, homeless shelter volunteering or something, anything physical and doable! But in my head... I couldn't get it out... and He gave me... a song. A song. Right now I am working to perfect His song. I hope I can express it right, fully. How can He trust me with His song? I'm not a good musician, I--I am horrible at classical and strict technique, not to mention knowledge about chords, progression and emotion! I can't even sing, and He gave me a song with LYRICS!! I know I used to ask Him for original songs that I could show the world for Him, but now, so much later, unexpectedly...

I am just hoping I can do my absolute best with His song, that he has trusted me to show the world. What... what do I expect from it? How will I know if I succeeded? If I get 20,000,000 views, contracts, gigs, awards, websites, fansites, tv shows, magazine interviews?

No.

But I don't know what to think, to expect.

----------------------------------

Today was so long. It feels like three days. Partly the fault belongs to English class, argh! My brain melted from hours at the computer on Yeats' poetry *Dead* Now I'm working it off with "Be Prepared" by Benjy Gaither from the Hoodwinked soundtrack haha XD

"Ooooooh an avalanche is coming and I do not feel prepared..." XXDD

---------------------------------

I've got to get my act together.

--------------------------------

I can't wait to go to Las Vegas this weekend!! I know I'm kinda guilty because what I'm most looking forward to is not the actual speech, but the awesome overnight bus ride, huge hotel with pool, elevator (HAHA), and many BCs and church members (I HOPE TO SEE KINESHA OMGGG!!!) and hanging out with Mie! We're sharing a hotel room, our families yay! It's going to be so fun. I hope it's warm there, California's weather is so stupidly crazy right now, I don't like it.

----------------------------------

I always stress about "omg, what if I had the chance to play a grand piano at a hotel lobby, or at college this fall! what song would I play, the first song ever on grand piano!? what if I messed up!! what if someone important was watchin!! GAH I NEED TO PRACTICE THE PERFECT SONG RIGHT NOW!!" like that..

"perfect songs for grand piano" according to me, as of right now:
Moriyam Naotarou - Sakura (my most favorite song in the world now and forever since five years ago) [Workin' on it!]
Yiruma songs (any!)
Naomi Shemer - Lu Yehi. My mom went to Israel several years ago, and bought David D'or's CD, "with the Philharmonic." I stole it from her and listened to it for DAYS. Then I lost it. GAH! I loved it so much. And I listened to a track from it for the first time YESTERDAY, and started crying and crying... Lu Yehi is a keeper. One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.
Declan Galbraith's rendition of Auld Lang Syne. I cried when I heard this too. 8 years old, with the voice of an angel. Amazing. [workin' on it]

Huh... that's all I can think of *I think I'm getting a headache*

One last thing before good night to no one who reads this lol!!

They're leaving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!
I'm not supposed to be happy, but I can't help it.

I need to get myself together =)

Solia $73? Silk Infusion / Herbal Essences / Garnier Fructis goodness I go crazy at all the choices that I have no idea about. Even mayo and egg recipes. I chickened out though ^^; I like rambling all over the place in a way that only I can understand, but even one year later I'll look back and not understand what the heck I was talking about haha XP

music again

2009-03-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

I start crying when I just read the lyrics (romaji-ish... not this.) How I wish I could read and understand truly, in my heart:

לו יהי, לו יהי אנא
לו יהי כל שנבקש לו יהי

Picture me listening and reading the translation. Even without translation, it's beautiful. So beautiful, moving, heart-wrenching, uplifting, just...

Hopeless

2009-03-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Acai Burn?
Risky I dunno I don't think so sounds fake.
The way that girl did with milk as her grandmother's dying wish, before she committed suicide at the hands of the ELFs after taking a picture with Super Junior?
Already tried that.
Maybe skip school and work out, trampoline all day, only going inside for meals and bathroom.
I gotta become an interpreter, though.

Someone come save me before I snap one of these days and chop off all my hair, run away and walk blindly across America, and/or be homeless on purpose so I can't eat whenever I want to.

Save me from myself.

Oops

2009-03-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

I just looked through 1800 pictures of Kim Junsu from 6 - 9am.

Almost Summer

2009-03-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been like pre-summer days!! Soooooo warm with wonderful evenings. Today was so fulfilling! :D 5am hoon dok he at church, recorded THREE piano videos for youtube (including beautiful life, which has been killing me), finished another English lesson, watched episode 21 of boys before flowers! raked more cut grass from the front lawn, plucked the grass from between the bricks, exercised for 22 minutes (lame but toturous) and sweated lol. lipsynching to super junior's "sorry sorry" KYAAAAAAaa SO AWESOME. then wonderful shower, tried out windows movie maker on beloved laptop ^^ now watching american idol. that was heartbreaking when michael told the story of his daughter... ;____________;

ZETTAI NARUZE.

Just listen

2009-03-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

If you want to be helplessly moved to tears...
Just listen.

Should autoplay, that imeem player to the right -->
Please listen.

Declan Galbraith - Auld Lang Syne

And once again here we are,
family and friends from afar,
Sharing our hopes and our dreams,
Laughing at old memories

So when that old song starts,
Everyone sing from the heart.

Let's sing...
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind,
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

Dancing as one, holding hands,
Like people all over the land,
Greeting a friend with a smile,
World is at peace for awhile

So when that old song starts,
Everyone sing straight from the heart.

Let's sing...
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind,
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my friends,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

For auld lange syne, my friends,
For auld lange syne,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my friends,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

For auld lange syne, my friends,
For auld lange syne,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For the sake of auld lang syne.

오늘

2009-03-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

아이고.

Piano

2009-03-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Gah I really want to play Boys Before Flowers OST on piano for youtube now! ><;

OMG Melissa, if you see this (I'm not on youtube right now and I'm lazy so...) OMG I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING UNTIL RIGHT NOW, I only just heard your Nobody cover at your site, and OMG I thought it was like, a solo version of one of the WG!!! YOU'RE SO GOOD I'M MAD JEALOUS!!!!!!! Your voice is so nice!!!! Omg... I'm really excited hyper right now... XD

News

2009-03-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I don't feel too good this morning. Last night couldn't sleep until past 2am. Tried to fall asleep after finishing the whole Frankenstein book, listening to Auld Lang Syne on repeat, and playing tetris on my ipod. Random rambles of Korean kept bouncing around in my head after watching three hours of Boys Before Flowers yesterday. Then had to wake up at 7:30 to drive my brother, then ate too much breakfast that my sister made for me (but it was yummy ^^) and now I'm just feeling awful because I'm nervous. About tomorrow. Yeah, last night I was called and asked to play piano for Sunday Service tomorrow. It's not... I'm not nervous about the actual piano playing part, because... I actually believe in and trust myself on that, being able to play whatever song the worship band decides on. But... but...

Aish.

I will miss Korean class. And we were going to make 떡볶이, a special class! =/ I might miss tribes too, my beloved friends...! But... piano... for the congregation... I said yes so quickly to Ritz-oppa. Well, I don't regret it. I love piano, and if I can play for God, then I'm doing something good =)

----------------

I have too many to do lists. Like three on the computer, three on paper, and then many many lists of what to do in summer, what to do for school, future, preparation, blah blah... I like lists too much, and it's not even helping me ><;

Big things!
WE GOT A BEAUTIFUL LAPTOP. I AM ON IT NOW. I LOVE IT. IT'S SO FAST. IT'S SO CLEAN. I CAN USE IT SITTING ON THE COUCH. I CAN WATCH BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS FULL SCREEN. I WANT TO NAME IT 이정. AFTER BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS F4 MEMBER THAT SHOULD BE WITH 가을, WHO IS REALLY KIM SO EUN, WHO IS SO PRETTY I WANT TO BE LIKE HER.

2nd, my mom and sister are officially going to Japan in May, until June! And I'm actually okay and not completely furious that I can't go to! I'm actually happy and can't wait until they leave, so I can nearly have the house to myself for a month haha! It's going to be awesome. Everyone will be happy. Well, maybe not Jake. Misa is his favorite person. And I hate him at times ><;

Piano... I want to make it more important. First, ten years ago, it was something I HAD to do because of my mom (being half Asian I guess...). But I WAS the one who said Ooooh I wanna play piano! One random day.

I never knew piano would eventually be like this for me. If I didn't play piano, GAH I can't even imagine! 3900+ subscribers on youtube, listening to my piano playing; playing for church things; playing for choir; learning how to play by ear! Omo... it's so unbelievable... could God have given me piano without a greater reason for me to play? I wonder if I'll be famous someday. Haha! *daydream* I really want to have piano in my life, everyday life at that. But here I am, striving to be a Japanese (and eventually Korean, Chinese and Spanish) interpreter. Long way to go, no matter what happens ^^;

I can't wait for summer! I've been working super hard on my English schoolwork and finished Frankenstein in three days! Writing up the last assignments now, then I have to watch Mill on the Floss and write about that, then several more lessons and I'm done with high school!! :D It's not that easy though lol... but still, I want to finish by April! Then summer vacation for 2 1/2 extra months!! Before...

College O_o;

Happenings...

2009-03-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found Declan Galbraith.
Well, that should sum him up. Yeah, that's how good he is. Or... was...

Auld Lang Syne, Amazing Grace, Tell Me Why...
They're the exact songs I needed to hear. And sung by a child... so moving... I cried...

-----------------------------------
At choir, we practiced more Ose Shalom. I need to get moving on the piano accompaniment. But then Mrs. Zinke showed me a song she liked and asked me to play it so she could just sing it right there, for fun. Santo, Santo, Santo.

I fell in love with that song. It has three chords. It's so simple. But it's so beautiful. If I mix in a few more chords and variations, I thought I made it into a nice piano version...

I want to play piano to move people's hearts!!

I want to complete the song God gave to me several days ago, and somehow show everyone who will listen! But I can't sing... I can't sing.. especially not in the key He gave it to me in... I need to ask someone... a friend... to sing it for me... so that maybe, it'll be heard, and so maybe I can stop being useless and do something for the people in third world countries... when I asked and begged God to tell me how to help all those poor people in the world... all I could think of was NGA. But it was too late for me to sign up, after everything I did to go to college. But He didn't tell me NGA. He gave me a song. Seriously, it just poured out onto the paper before me, everything but a bridge. I didn't have time to finish because of Il Shim, so... a couple nights ago I finished the song. All the lyrics, but I just have to finalize the melody of the bridge. I like it. I love it. It's almost like Declan's "Tell Me Why" except not that amazing. I have a long way to go before I can really, really express God's music. I need to develop my music skills so that whenever God gives me a song, I can show it well...

Can I show the world...?

----------------------------------
I was accepted into college today.
It's really scary. I'm so afraid. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to go to a public college after seven years of homeschooling! I can't even walk down the street without being stupid and unsocial, and avoiding eyes and wanting to be invisible. 진짜 무섭다.

Waving Hello = <3

2009-03-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

I've always wanted to wave to those poor people wearing green cloth Statue of Liberty outfits, waving the sign for the employee around. I don't even remember what the sign says, after so many times of driving past them lol!

Well today, while driving to the Chinese market, I saw it: my chance! I wanted to wave to Liberty Guy! :D

I waved frantically, my mouth open in hopeful exaggeration. He wasn't gonna see, noooo! But then right when we passed, he looked up and saw, and his mouth curved up in a disbelieving grin and he let go of his sign to wave back.

I was so hyper with gleeful energy all day after that XD I was so happy!!!! I carried the 50lb. bag of rice from the store, talked to my mom in Japanese kya! XD Called my Korean teacher and did my homework (I had been terrified of this "leave a message in Korean" homework) just fine, helped my dad fix the car window (gah, so frustrating, though ><;), recorded (currently uploading) You Can guitar tutorial GAH I GIVE UP, I WON'T REFUSE EVERYONE ANYMORE X_________________X; and I think it all started with the good condition of going to church for 5am hoon dok he again this morning ^^; Even though my brain was wandering the whole prayer time... -___-;

I want to be a happy person. ALWAYS, always smiling. 항상 웃고 있는 사람. Not only that, but someone who makes others smile too...

I have a long way to go, starting with getting rid of all my fears and insecurities *fighting* I have a plan. And it starts pretty soon. If I succeed, I will be ready to tell my parents that I'm ready to be matched by the end of summer vacation =)

Sunday

2009-03-09T18:10:00.001-07:00

My legs ache and burn so much after yesterday's garbage picking ><;

Yesterday was another Sunday I couldn't control.

Kim So Eun is so beautiful...

꽃보다 남자 K-Drama / AI

2009-03-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

I'M ADDICTED GAH!! My little sister and I watch it every day at lunch break, but we're still on episode 6!! Because my whole family shares one computer with internet access ><; I wish we could watch it on TV! Big screen and nobody else around!! :D The music is still, okay... the characters are FINALLY growing on me. Japanese Hana Yori Dango I thought couldn't be beaten, it was our absolute favorite Asian drama! And at first, the Korean version was so weird, but finally I'm getting to really, really like it. This one scene in episode 5 I think, OMG SO, SO.... ;fa;bn;iasjdbfwonskdjf XD

And... last night's American Idol!
The ending was so amazing! Simon says "And we've recently decided to make it a top 13" and Anoop is in YESSSSSSSH!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sad Arianna didn't make it though... and Nathaniel! Noooooo... ;____;
In the top 13, I root for Jorge, Adam, Danny, Matt, Scott, Kris and Lil Rounds =) But I don't have an absolute favorite like last year... David Archuleta is the one and only ^^ Though recently I've been listening to David Cook a lot XD

Kidnap My Heart

2009-03-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

LOL! My little sister and I watched "Taking 5" from the library, randomly it just caught my eye and even though the acting was kinda sad aha, it was okay because of the plot, music, and band! We love "kidnap my heart" XD

First day of my new "job" of helping little neighbor with his homework ^^ Kenta's so cute! And he's a good reader ^^

Recorded first rough draft of 8eight's song that I'm obsessed with. I really, really want to make it a good, moving piano version for everyone. I don't know how many k-pop fans know this song, or band even. I didn't know about them until my brother's friend told my brother who told me, and then I was crazy about their song and everything... I'm so excited I uploaded the awfully messed up rough draft unfinished piano version lol that no one will download ^^

Download
8eight - 사랑을 잃고 난 노래하네 (Forget About Love and Sing)
piano version by keudae @ youtube (my er... "stage name" haha!)

*sigh*
I want to play piano beautifully, and move people. Lots of people. I want to touch people. I have so far to go. I try to play with my heart, but when I focus on emotion my fingers fumble and the skill factor drops... ;____; I'm trying really hard on this song. A real, piano version. I want to be proud of it as much as I am of SHINee's "Replay" and "Doushite," and... oh that's all =\

I have five subscribers on my chord blog! OMG! XD Where I just put chords that I figure out! So happy x3 And on youtube, omg it's CRAZY, I haven't signed in for a week yet I've gotten like 80+ in a week O_____O;

I CAN'T DISAPPOINT EVERYONE!!!!!!! ;_______;

Mountains and Valleys

2009-03-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

That's what life has been, yeah...

Valleys:
- Sunday (2.22)
- Monday (2.23)
- Thursday
- Friday

Mountains:
- Tuesday
- Friday
- Saturday
- Sunday (3.1)

Il Shim was the best thing recently. If it hadn't been for me in church things like Il Shim and tribes, I would say I wasted the whole past two months ><; I haven't been studying. I'm terrified of Jr. STF I dunno why I said yes I'm serious about it, but yes I do know but now I don't think like that and I'm just really bored and feel useless all day.

Yesterday, the most exciting thing was the racoons. Yeah, in the past month, I've seen five racoons. They're terrifying! One while driving at 11pm, another on our neighbor's roof, and yesterday, three raccoons on our porch eating our cat's barf! My sisters and I screamed our lungs out when our mom opened the door while the racoon was right there! And our dog went after it!!! Because we know they're vicious and my mom DIDN'T OMG!!! But Jacob is okay. Good boy, Jakey, good boy wanting to get those raccoons but don't because you'll get hurt!

I love all our little neighbors. They actually listen to what I say when I'm talking to them! Unlike someone... who was one of my valleys last week...

AGH! Rain, sun, rain sun rain sun rainsunrain sunrainsun omg just please, TURN INTO SUMMER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The funnest thing yesterday, was going to the library with my little sister and after getting some stuff, we played on the swings!! It was really nice. That aws the time of "sun" so the sky was blue <3 if we look up while swinging, we got dizzy XD

I randomly realized yesterday, that there is a very good chance that my old school friends from 5th grade are still around and I might see them randomly. Or maybe at college, when I finally return to the real world from my seven year hideout. Not just friends but nonfriends too. That would be bad. Really, really bad. I only have two of those so that's good. But still. I don't like to think about it. But at the same time I like to think about it and manipulate what happens and make it happen my way.

Last night I took the 5 love language quiz my mom brought home from the convocation a month ago, and I knew it I knew it already, I was "acts of service." Second though, just one point behind was "quality time." surprising. Maybe that's why I'm always trying to get "family movie" and "game" nights going at our house but it never works and I feel really sad. Like last night. My sister and I watched the Incredibles by ourselves. I liked that animation short, "Boundin'"! It was really good! But we hate, HATE awful library dvds that stop and pause and don't work because of all the scratches! I wanted to scream. We missed lots of the movie because we had to skip whole sections. Was it even worth it? Dash is so funny.

I can't wait until summer I can't wait until summer I don't wanna go to college because I'm scared but i think it's okay I just wanna make this summer so good I've made like five lists of what I want to do my family's list of what I didn't talk to them about wanting them to do, my goal list, my preparing for summer list and my playlist. That's four hmm... =\

This morning it hailed! It was AWESOME!!!!

Orbitrek = torture ;_______________;

I wanna go to the new walmart! Just to see! :D

I hope I win the scholarship *pleasepleaseplease*

My little sister and I are watching Boys over Flowers, Korean version! We LOVE LOVED Hana Yori Dango so we're trying this one out. So far, it totally completely does NOT meet our standard. Japanese was too awesome. We loved Tsukushi, and Hanazawa Rui lol!! Korean so far has a long way to go. It's really different... in a good/bad way? I dunno yet haha ^^ We loved Hana Kimi too, and Nodame Cantabile. I wish we could watch Asian dramas on TV, not dumb little youtube with the laggy sound and video. I think it's just our slow computer though. I still want to destroy it.

Piano is like almost a drag these days... it's taken me months, working on Beautiful Life and I'm still not finished perfecting it. I perfected Sarangeul Ilko Nan Noraehane in a couple hours omg. I'm addicted.

I should study. Summer will come faster if I finish. Summer comes when I am done with English, actually. Only *checks* 16 more lessons to go.

Yesterday.

2009-02-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Starting the day right

2009-02-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

the only thing I remember from 5am hoon dok he:
"Love has the power to create anything."

I believe! <3

So far, met with my home school teacher, handed in another month's schoolwork. Had music theory lesson with Hannah, learning Bye Bye Blackbird. I love the sound of these chords! :D Scrubbed mildew off bathroom ceiling while listening to Narnia soundtrack. Figured out the chords to Drake Bell's "I Found A Way" from the Kid's Choice CD from the library lol.

I want to eat lunch, watch Chicken Run, buy chapstick for my sister, practice piano, read, UGH just remembered, choir practice tonight. It makes me feel so worthless, going there actually. But I'm stuck. I have to, I can't quit, no way they won't let me because there's no one else lol... ><; I'll try to be happy about it. At least I get to play a nice acoustic piano. Though they've got like 3 broken keys... =\

Mie!! I wanna be her friend!
1) we'll both go to the same college next year
2) we both play piano a lot
3) we both love arashi
4) we both watch j-dramas
5) same japanese class
6) same tribe
7) both asian (she's whole, i'm half)
8) both BCs that should be enough lol... to me...

Why aren't we better friends right now? =\

The future.. GAH! it's so full of chance, opportunity, the unknown...!! :D

Not good.

2009-02-18T10:06:00.001-08:00

I. Hate. applyists.net.
What's their problem.
No matter what I do I can't fix their problem.
My school is not on their list. So I click "NOT ON LIST."
"Add school information."
Blah blah blah, I add all my information!!!!
SAVE AND CONTINUE.
IT DOES NOT SAVE AND CONTINUE.
"Contact us" with a question.
I fill out the whole form, tell them the problem, then submit.
IT DOES NOT SUBMIT.
I WANT TO SCREAM AND SMASH THE COMPUTER. NO, I WANT TO HACK INTO THEIR SITE AND SCREW UP THEIR INFORMATION, CAUSING THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS TO LOSE THEIR OPPORTUNITY AT SCHOLARSHIPS. I WROTE THE WHOLE ESSAY, FILLED THE WHOLE FORM, ALREADY SUFFERING FROM GUILT THAT I'LL HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE TO WRITE A STUPID LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION, AND NOW IT DOESN'T EVEN SUBMIT. I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO COLLEGE!!! I'D BE HAPPY WITH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, I'M ONLY TRYING BECAUSE GOD TOLD ME TO BECOME A JAPANESE INTERPRETER SO I'M GOING TO A 4 YEAR COLLEGE SO I CAN STUDY ABROAD ASAP AND I DONT HAVE A JOB I NEED SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO PAY FOR ME, AND I CAN'T EVEN APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE OF A STUPID WEBSITE AND IF IT TURNS OUT THAT IT WAS JUST SOME TINY STUPID LITTLE PROBLEM, I REALLY AM GONNA SMASH THE COMPUTER JUST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HACK WEBSITES.

I hate stress. And money issues. And thoughts of college.
I'm only going trying to go to college because God told me. And because I personally wouldn't want my spouse to not be aiming for higher education and goals. But I'd be pretty, not completely, satisfied with just being a wife and mom. Why waste 16,000$ on an education I won't use, if I just become that: a wife and mom. I don't want to be an old mom. But I don't want to be an old interpreter. So what am I supposed to do?

Go outside, lie on the roof and listen to music all afternoon.

Rain, Rain, Rain

2009-02-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

Starting the day with 5am prayer + hoon dok hae at church with other members is so, good <3 I was tired, but I felt like I accomplished so much! I finished my scholarship essay right now, just have to ask my family to proof read :D Then I'm gonna do my fafsa, watch American Idol, play piano, read, and go to sleep ^^ I didn't study today, but I think praying for over an hour is better than that haha XD

But...
It was so windy and stormy today, that this morning, there was a BANG!! outside. My mom went to see, and it was a robin. Dead. It flew straight into our window and snapped its neck. I dug a hole and buried it with a prayer, and Aqua Timez "Yasashii Kioku."

I cleaned out the mercedes (name: Nodame). Went to the library. Got Brother Bear and Chicken Run XD I WANNA WATCH THE LAND BEFORE TIME 1!!!!!!!!! ;_____;

It rains. Then it stops. It rains. Then the sun comes out with a rainbow. Then it rains. Then the temperature is 70. Then it rains. GAH I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!! I have lists of summer. What I'm going to do. My summer playlist. How to prepare for summer. Songs to learn the dance to during summer. Songs to play on piano. GAH!!! XD

I think my relationship with my dad is getting better...!!!!!!! :D

My mom took me to Mimi's restaurant yesterday for lunch, to have "quality time." She asked me questions about me, to learn about me, to... match me. Prepare for the matching, anyway =) Like, any preference... like nationality. No. Two things, only.

He has to be taller =p
And he has to... match me in committment. Believe that our Blessing will never break.

That's still my worst fear... ever...
a broken blessing...

I'm working on the vertical, the internal, so hard now.

I LOVE YOU GOD!! <3
Thank you for today.

Matching Convocation

2009-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Today it begins O_o;
My parents are going for info only, not to match me, but still I had to take a picture and everything. I'm not scared or nervous, they SAID they're going for info, but I'm still... embarrassed. About me ;_; I wanna be so much better for my husband.

Aqua Timez is new to me, but even though the main singer (who's name I do not even know) doesn't have like a nice, beautiful voice (i.e, JUNSU-OPPA <3) it's still his personal, unique voice and he sings on key and everything lol, so... in music it's okay if you're not the best, if you're yourself, people might like you! And Aqua Timez has tons of fans :D ANYWAY, I like their "Niji" song and "Yasashii Kioku" <3

I watched Mary Poppins at 5:30am yesterday lol... (after An Shi Il) it's so good! I love Step in Time best XD It makes me wanna do that too, run across rooftops and dance with all my friends.

My mom and I are going to help prepare the matching convocation packets after lunch, at church! =)

One of my most favorite places to be is church. It just feels really safe... the atmosphere is never wrong. And the people there are the best <3

I can't wait until summer gaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!! It's so cold right now!!! I wanna feel the sun, play sports outside, beat the heat with friends under the umbrella + table, playing card games, strumming guitar. I wanna go to OHC!! I wanna staff for middle school!!! I wanna blast music, driving down a deserted desert road on a roadtrip!! (I dunno if we're doing that, lol) I wanna... dance? XD

I was so sure no one read this!! This boring blog of mine! This embarrassingly confession filled thing! O_O And Melissa and Hye Sung, you guys comment lollllllllll *embarrassed*

I wanna write stuff more important, useful to others and offer something... but so far I'm just spouting off feelings and stuff. I have nothing to offer anyway... just chords. But I write those at my other blog.

Advertisement lol!
For K-pop and J-pop tabs and chords for piano and guitar, go to:
http://ongaku4u.blogspot.com

Latest: Eat You Up, Tegami, Hahaha, Beautiful Life <3
Coming up: I dunno =\

I can't wait until summer.

2009-02-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to make of this weather. One day it's sunny and warm. The next day it's raining super hard. What's up with that? Sigh oh well. I can't wait until summer!!!! I'm gonna make this summer so good, so crazy good XD

When I get 4 1/2 stars on my youtube video... I wanna cry ;_;
I need 5 stars... my tutorials always get 4 1/2 stars... What should I do to make them better, you guys? I Can do anything but talk... I'm sorry, really sorry I don't know how to make sheet music! By hand, would be impossible because I just can't do that. I can't read music very well, only if I KNOW the song. And my computer is so, so, stupid I wanna kick it, stomp on it, throw it from the roof, jump on it, burn it, electrocute it, spray it with acid, then freeze it in concrete. Yeah. It's a Windows 2000. You know how long it takes to get one internet page up? And to open "My Documents" even!? I HATE IT. When I used to play BZFlag, my username was "I hate my computer!!"

I just ripped off a bit of ivy from my backyard fence yeah. I screamed a few times, when I found juicy spiders crawling on my arm, or on the vine I was pulling. My face and arms feel itchy now. I have a splinter. I'm typing with filthy fingernails and dirty hands. But OMG, I'm happy. I love doing yard work. I didn't even listen to my ipod, because all morning I listened to Bryan Adams singing songs from Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron and it was stuck in my head very nicely =)

This morning, I scrubbed the mildew off my sister's bedroom walls and ceiling, thoroughly swept the dog hair ridden floor, cleaned under the bed, made their beds, cleaned their windows, then swept again, while listening to Spirit OST <3 Gah I love cleaning! Especially with music.

Hannah, my music teacher came today! First time in a long time. I learned more about uh... what was it called? Voice leading? I Forgot ><; But I remember how to do it. With "Bye Bye Blackbird," she taught me how to play chords with the 3 5 7 and 9. I always just play arpeggio style left hand, so I get the 1 and 3 haha ><; Very bad. The chords she teaches me are so pretty. Chords like FM, Abdim? Gm7 C7 Am7-5, Eb7 yeah. It's hard but worth it lol! I need a good k-pop or j-pop song to fill with complex chords, and make more people on youtube happy.

I don't think I can ever repeat what happened with my piano version of DBSK's KimiSuki. That was crazy! 148,000+!!! ZOMG! Was it because it was leaked 2 months early, and people wanted to hear anything to do with it? Was it because they loved the song so much, they wanted to learn it on piano? I played it too fast, and I didn't even play the whole song!!! I dunno, but I am not good enough to play a song to get anywhere near 100,000 views again. But really, I do not deserve my subscribers. In my wildest dreams, when I started playing for youtube in 2006 I didn't even know what subscribers were. Having 3,500+? zomg. I'm... so lucky...

I only play songs I want to play. Usually. Sometimes an exception, like when someone begs and makes me feel bad ><; But other than that, I write down the requests but not really look at them because I want to play the songs I love. And I wonder why I don't get a lot of views haha. Do I play songs that no one wants to hear? Sigh. After Beautiful Life and a few of In Jin Nim's songs (which NO ONE practically on youtube knows) I don't have anything to play. But gah DBSK has a new album out soon? OMG I'm not ready. I'm still hooked on Mirotic. I heard Super Junior was supposed to have an album this year too. I haven't listened to them in so long! DBSK has been overwhelming.

Gonna go drop off dinner to a friend's house now, their mom's in Japan ^^ And then shower woot. I hate my hair. Maybe... Japanese hair straightening? But I SOMETIMES like the curliness... but usually absolutely hate it. Tonight I wanna watch Spirit lol. Maybe start this one shot fanfic that's been in my head for a couple days. Junsu-oppa of course. I need to practice Beautiful Life a LOT too...

Matching Convocation tomorrow omg. My parents still need my picture. But I hate picures. So bad. For now anyway. Until I can get a control on my face and body ;_____; I wanna like pictures. By One Heart Camp I swear, I'm gonna have a little more confidence and pride in myself, inside and out.

Full out ramble of emotions

2009-02-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

I feel so weird these days. I've been cleaning like crazy. I shoveled all the grass off the brick patch one day. The next I scrubbed the kitchen ceiling (whole thing) standing on chairs and getting nasty cleaner water in my face. The next day I got soap scum remover and cleaned both showers and tub. The next I helped my dad move all his fanuc manuals. I'm going crazy wanting to serve, but I feel so unsatisfied.

I watched High School Musical 2 with my littlest sister, and we both loved it haha. The music, especially the last song, is so bouncy and it made me happy, especially because I'm obsessed with daydreaming about this summer lately. I'm so excited for warm weather, being outside, and blasting summer music through open car windows.

But then yesterday, I felt so out of place at church. Everyone was normal with me, even more friendly maybe than usual and I got waves, hellos, good mornings from all my (extended, I think of everyone as ^^) family and friends, yet I felt so... afraid. Nervous. Like I kinda wanted to run and hide.

What's wrong with me?

And then today, I busted out more Japanese homework than I thought I could do, then spent the whole entire afternoon on the computer (after playing tetris on my ipod). Downloading music, watching youtube, replying comments (omg there is this one dude that's just trying to curse me to death or something), finishing up "Beautiful Life" and "Hahaha" chords for Ongaku4u.

I should be applying for scholarships, but I've given up. I really do not believe I can win any, anyway, so why try and be crushed, disappointed? I don't even know if I'm in CSUEB yet. And I should be finishing the FAFSA, but I need my dad's tax info stuff. I want to play piano and upload piano playing that I've recorded wholeheartedly, emotionally, and of songs people want to hear, but I just go around banging a couple songs once in a while. Also I should be practicing piano for the choir I play for, but I'm so not liking that song. Ose Shalom. It's okay, but it's just something in me right now...

*gasp*

Am I... depressed?

Or is it just a mood swing? I hope it is. I was so happy the other weekend, at Il Shim, with my beautiful girl group and awesome friend co-leader.

But this lack of confidence in myself is finally getting the better of me. I'm so afraid of everything. Right now, these are the fears and regrets and troubles on my mind. Wow, it feels good just to type this all out. It takes too long to hand write in my journal. Oh well. No one reads this anyway~

I think I...
- played horribly bad at Il Shim. Piano and guitar. My brother said he was asked to play guitar at the next Il Shim workshop. Does that mean I played so bad no one ever wants to hear me play again? I played too fast, too off-beat, too stuck up, too self absorbed on piano didn't I? And guitar omg guitar... at the last minute, the last songs, it sounded awful didn't it? Even with little Kenshu complimenting me... I don't believe anyone... when they thank me or compliment me... in my mind, I am--or somebody is--telling me "you played horrible, remember in the second chorus, you screwed up major!! You think you're good enough to play piano for workshops? YOU SUCK!!!"

- played horribly for Sunday service on Feb. 1. At practice, Chris noticed I was falling behind and not understanding the chords, so he stopped everyone and personally tried to help me play the right chords. but even then, I majorly screwed up during the live accompaniment, and I think I made HIM mess up by playing the wrong chords for "by and by." I thought I liked that song. I thought I knew how to play that song. What happened to the normal 1, 4, 1, maj2, 5... chord progression? Why can't my brain handle 6, 7, and min2? stupid, stupid. Not only did I crash myself, I had to take down somebody with me. And Mr. Art... we practiced the intros of every song but noooo I had to freeze up and mess up every intro but the last song!! When I was supposed to support the band and start the songs, I had to mess up!!! By and by, Song of Victory? Guh As the Deer... I messed up on all those songs!!!! Just Shining Fatherland I didn't mess up because we started the intro TOGETHER!!! And then in the outro, I messed up Mr. Steinbronn because of my stupid left hand!!! STUPID STUPID LEFT HAND!!! What's wrong with my stupid left hand? Banging out the bass all the time, playing unnecessary notes and leaving out the thirds and sevenths and not knowing how to play AT ALL!!!! I wanna shoot it sometimes. I think I can get better but no I'm afraid to try because I think I'll fail. Failure. Not being good enough. My biggest fears. Other than my Matching/Blessing breaking. I'm so afraid.

- I have to call my Il Shim trinity to check up on them. I'm terrified of using the phone. I dunno when it started. A few years, several years ago? I stopped answering the phone because I was tired of having to repeat myself when others couldn't hear or understand what I said because of mispronunciation, sloppy slang or bad connection or whatever. But mostly because I was afraid of ME not understanding the other person and having to ask them to repeat themselves. How can I say that politely? "What?" "Could you repeat that?" "I couldn't hear you." "PARDON?" I can't imagine my family's reaction to hearing me say pardon. So there came my fear of using the phone. I only use it when I absolutely have to take it. I don't mind Shannon-onni calling me, or any of my tribe leaders. But everyone else... I'm terrified. I even rejected a call from Rev. Cotter once, but that was a different circumstance and a different reason, and a different story. But yes, I have exactly TWO middle school sisters to call to check up on their Il Shim requirements, and I'm staring at the phone in my lap, wanting to throw it away and run out into the rain and hide. Wth is there to be afraid about? They're my sisters. I love them, I should be taking care of them. This fear is stupid. It'll be over in 10 minutes, tops. So I called. I called Claire, she lives right across the fence. Her sister comes over everyday. It would be the easiest call. I even talked to her on Sunday. And then... it turned out to be fine. I love Claire. I wish I could help her. She doesn't like school. School isn't doing anything for her, the way she talked about it when she and Sonomi thought I was asleep late that night at Il Shim. School seems like a horrible place then. But there's nothing I can do for her!!! What can I do for her!!?? I'm useless. What is the point of being older, supposedly her "leader" but I can't do anything for her? I dunno. And then I called Junmi, after staring at the phone for a while. Gathering courage I suppose. But numbly I just dialed and forced myself to call, and it rang. Over 10 times. And then there was this beeping sound. What does that mean? No answering machine came on. I hate to think what would happen if I dialed the wrong number. Dialing the right number is terrifying enough. What would I do? Now I still have to call her. I emailed her this afternoon though. But I promised God, the day after Il Shim. I told Him my goals. And one of them was to call my trinity at least once. BWAHA such easy goals right. Almost like "call my friends once." People do that ten times a day, don't they? I don't... I check my email once every two weeks, procrastinate about college apps, skip schoolwork just because I CAN, homeschooling, and then use my time for nothing. Scrubbing kitchen ceilings and banging on piano while always, always listening to music yeah. Sometimes driving my mom places yeah. But I have this problem, it's called Constant Road Rage. I don't think there's been a time I drove without getting angry at a driver, or a street sign, or definitely a stop light or omg, my car. My dad's car anyway. It doesn't accelerate nearly as fast as I want it to. I have to stomp and floor it but it still just makes a humongous racket but goes nowhere slowly. I dunno what's wrong with it. If I ever got a car, I don't care what it looks like as long as it accelerates faster than a broken scooter!!!!! Actually I do care what it looks like. But oh well. I don't wanna use my money on a car. I'm already in debt to my dad enough from trips to Gautemala and Korea. I'm supposed to pay him back, but I thought I worked it off already, plastering and painting the music room and everything... oh well. I'm still working it off I guess. How many more hundreds of dollars to go? But I wouldn't take back quitting my job for anything.

I don't even know where I was. But that doesn't matter. This post is for venting my feelings. Hand writing in my journal is not satisfying enough. I really have to condense it there, it takes too long. My hand writing is fugly too. Hah but that's nothing compared to my face.

I'm trying to strengthen my relationship with my dad. I heard, so many times, that father-daughter relationship reflects husband-wife relationship. I mean, me and my dad, me and my husband. If that's the case, I'm right to be scared because that would mean I would only talk to my husband when I wanted something. That's how my dad describes me. That I don't talk to him unless I want something for myself. And I realized it's true. All I do is get annoyed, frustrated and angry at my dad. For like, being slow, or mispronunciating things, making mean jokes (those are so, so bad though. i can't stand them) and just almost everything!!!!!!!! GAH! Inside I know I love him, and appreciate him, and at workshops and camps and korea I miss him a lot and know exactly how much he has sacrificied for me and my siblings, but at home, all I can see is his bad points, and I hate myself for that. What the hecks wrong with me? That's why I've been cleaning so much. My way of strengthening our relationship ha. Not really, right? I still don't talk to him. GAH he keeps calling the fafsa the "falfsa" and I get so angry. I don't want to be like this with my husband! When I imagine it, and think about it, I think I would do anything for my husband, seeing as one of my greatest fears is our Blessing breaking. Randomly, completely at random times during the day (usually at workshops) I feel like wanting to give my husband a massage. Making him breakfast. If he sings, I want to play any and every song on piano and guitar but if I sound horrible or if he doesn't want me to I won't and I'll just go cry and bang on my keyboard with my headphones privately in my room. But... even though my biggest fear is my Blessing breaking BECAUSE OF MY FLAW or something... also my greatest belief is that our Blessing won't break. Why does that sound so... contradicting? I mean... I know inside I can and will accept anyone my parents choose for me. Anyone. Except... omo... I think I'm racist. But I know how my parents think, I think. But... okay. Looks do not matter. Nationality, does not matter. Language barriers don't matter. I don't think they'd match me with anyone other than East Asian, white, or... local... or I mean, ugh! Knowing my dad, he'll make sure it's someone who speaks the same language as me. Knowing my mom, it might be someone who speaks Japanese, Korean, Chinese, and/or English just because... I want someone like that because I am learning those languages as the most important aspect of my life right now!! *breathes hard* I'm confusing myself but I know it's all true since I'm spouting it like crazy and my fingers are just typing and typing and typing. I was supposed to watch a movie from the library with my sister tonight. Holes? Mary Poppins? I want to watch movies with my husband too. Comedies. Romances? Comedies definitely. And tear-jerkers, if he doesn't mind. But if he likes horrors, adventures, or whatever, I'll watch that of course.

I dunno... what I'm mostly thinking about (other than regreting the thousands of mistakes I've made in my life, and painfully reliving those moments because I can't help it) is the matching and blessing. So many BCs got blessed recently. I saw pictures of my friends from Cheongpyeong, so many of them! BLESSED!!! Sharon looked so beautiful. I keep praying for all these Blessings to be true and unbreakable. But that's all I can do. Pray, for others. What about my Blessing? There's more I can do than pray. I can strengthen relationships, do "wife training" i keep calling it lol, like dishes, laundry, cooking, shopping, learning how to dress omg I can really stem out from any of these words and go on forever. See the media and music and entertainment of Asia has really gotten to my head. It's enough seeing it all over tv, internet, billboards and blah blah of American media, celebrities, but I go and get obsessed and "in love" with Korean and Japanese idols too, and that's where lots of my lack of confidence for my outer looks and physical stuff come from. Other than it being totally true that I look horrible, dress wrong, have stupid hair, unusable face and completely overweight body. I want to change it all so bad. Not in a plastic surgery way, no way! But I USED to do the whole kinda anorexic/bulimic thing. But those things thankfully changed. Thanks Cheongpyeong. I suffered for nothing. After all of that, I'm still fat. Fat and ugly. Now I'm trying to do it the right way, diet and exercise (this started after Cheongpyeong, but of course EPIC FAILURE and now, after Il Shim, trying again) but it's such a slow way compared to just stop eating like I used to. That way, you drop like 5 pounds the first day, then a pound every day after that! One month, and I was okay! But eat one thing and you gain ten pounds, then two pounds every day after that. That's the problem. Yeah. And also Mr. Macfarlane really told me about that and cared about what happened to me during that fasting incident two summers ago... that's one of my horrible regrets. Making myself a danger, a worry to the Macfarlanes. He said I could faint and go into shock from fasting, and we'd be miles from the next town (we were on a road trip) and... it would be ALL M FAULT. Causing them trouble. Stupid stupid STUPID!!!! OF all the weeks to fast, why did I have to do it then and ruin the awesome roadtrip with my best friends? Because I was afraid of them seeing me fat. every time they see me, it's like one time fat, one time not so fat, the next time fat. So three days before they came I stopped eating completely, hoping the crash "diet" would make me look better but HAH I ended up with all that weight back later, but I can't say I didn't like feeling light, even though I felt like keeling over every time I stood up.

What is there left to vent about? Ramble ramble ramble. It's almost 9pm now. I'll still watch a movie later. With Tablo, our portable DVD Player. It's a Samsung, and AnyBand is Samsung's advertisement band or whatever, and Tablo is in Samsung's AnyBand, so we named it Samsung! Our black Mercedes that doesn't accelerate fast has a name too. Nodame. She looks small, cute and black so I dunno. Noda Megumi of Nodame Cantabile is not black but she's cute and I just named the car I drive Nodame so there!! Our white huge sprinter van is named Chiaki-senpai, also from Nodame Cantabile. Our computer is Hiroki. But I'm sorry to say, we hate him very much. He's slow, slow, slow, and... STUPID. This computer, right here I'm using right now!! Every other day the internet doesn't work. It takes so long just to get mozilla up, youtube videos are always always pixelized and slow, laggy, you can't enjoy unless you download through zamzar which takes hours and then put it on my ipod. My ipod's name is iSarang. just cause. I like Korean. And Japanese. If Korean and Japanese are so important to me, why don't I study more? I should be studying it like my life depended on it, because THEY DO!!!! I'm trying to be an international interpreter, yet I can't even speak a second language!!! STUPID STUPID. And why am I even trying to be an interpreter and go to college when what's really important for me is to become a wife and a mom!?? Am I wasting money going to college? Even though it's a cheap local college? Will I ever be good enough to be an interpeter? Actually, yes I believe this. God told me to be an interpreter, so without a doubt in my mind, that's what I'm suppsed to be if I ever become anything, but it's so hard and what about my family? I don't want to be old when I'm a mom. I want to be young still. But I also want to be a young interpreter. That won't work. I always daydreamed about being DBSK's interpreter when coming to America, or even Japan because in my daydreams, I'm fluent in Korean and Japanese as well as English, and I could be friends with Yoochun-oppa haha. Or always I want to be their pianist too. Personal pianist if there's such a thing. Play live accompaniment for them. Or any band that I love. But hah I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I screw up the intros for church songs at Sunday service, and I think I can someday play for world famous bands who sing for thousands!? Thousands at Cheongpyeong doesn't count, I was on a spiritual high and had my bc sisters around me. I'd be all alone on stages with bands.

Rambling feels gooooooooooooood haha. I'd go on for a long time I think. But I wanna get away.

I hate my hair sooooooooooooooo much. I sometimes just wanna drive to a hair salon and get a Japanese hair straightening. So my stupid frizzy curls wouldn't show themselves for months!!!!! And also dye it black so I can make some progress in wanting to be Asian. I don't want to look Philippino, or Mexican, okay!? I have nothing against those nationalities, it's just that I'm NOT those!! I AM JAPANESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND I WANNA LOOK IT. Not those, not fully European I'm only HALF, I want to look Asian not white, not Mexican, I wanna burn my skin to a darker shade, straighten or have nice waves/curls by screaming at my hair, torture the excess body mass off me, scream my lungs out until I can sing, bang on the piano in octaves until I can play well, and just... just GAH!!! I just want to be the best I can be! In every sense!! Physical and spiritual, mental, emotional, internal... everything. The girl who God made me to be. I want to be the best for Him, the world, my family and friends. I want to FIT IN. BCs are all so beautiful, gorgeous, the guys are handsome of course, and then I look at myself and think... I don't fit in. My own sister is bone skinny, my brother is muscly and athletic, my other sister has gorgeous straight hair. To top off all my flaws and things that make me not fit in, I'm going to be the second shortest in my family, after my mom. I think it's because of my anorexic bit, a couple years ago. It stunted my growth. Stopped my growing before it was all done because... I didn't get enough nutrients or food or whatever to grow anymore. And then I was stuck. At this height. I didn't notice before. A few months ago? That I was so short. Because people think I'm 14. I love that. Looking younger. I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be responsible. I'm afraid to mess up. I can't handle responsibility. That's why I cried every day in Cheongpyeong. Because I didn't think I was doing a good job at handling responsibility. I'm such a wuss. A stupid fat ugly inconfident untalented self-absorbed selfish mood-swinging road-raging satanic wuss at that. How will I get matched? These are all my bad points right out there. Seeing that, it'll cover the good points that I DO NOT HAVE. Gah... I don't even have to worry about my Blessing not working, because I can't even get Matched... of course I know it's not like that. That every BC can get matched, either by parents or True Father (is he doint another one) because it's the internal you look at not the physical, but pheeeeeeeeeeewwwwww look at my internal. I can't think of any good points right now. Not while I'm venting out this stuff.

If all that's not enough, what about crushes. They used to practically control my life. I get crushes really really easily. And they last. A long time. Horribly enough, more than one at a time sometimes!!! I wanna just throw myself in front of a train for that. Getting crushes on BC brothers. Of course I've never been suicidal, never EVER!!!! But hating? All the time. Never haven't hated some part of me... Crushes used to take up all my mind's thinking capacity. Trying NOT to think about it, but thinking about it because I'm trying not to think about it! Recently, like... since last June, actually, the part of my mind taken by something to do with a crush is very small. Tiny yay! About 1% maybe. Awesome right? Well... Cheongpyeong was another thing... gah I hate the way my mind thinks sometimes. Like that feeling you think someone is looking at you, because they well are looking at you because they have a crush on you, but then you end up looking at them because you think they're looking at you and you end up having a crush on them!!?? that's how every crush of mine started. Except the one in 2nd grade. That was stupid. I'm glad I don't act on crushes. I'm not that stupid. But they still hurt in my mind. Hate it. Hate it bad!! I only want to love my husband. Well at Cheongpyeong that happened again, I mean... I was SO SURE, that someone was looking at me, but we were all terrified of Dae Mo Nim's words. Every time she spoke to us it was about brothers and sisters staying away from each other, not getting close, so that was GOOD. I needed to hear that, even though I know it in my heart mind and soul already. But omgoodness, the power of love is stronger than the principle right? So well as much as I focused on suffering through the 40 days, playing piano for chan yang, fulfilling my goals, finding God, missing my family, half sleeping through dp lectures, it was hard for me to ignore thinking and daydreaming (i always, always do harmless daydreaming. even this was harmless, because all i would think about are the times I THOUGHT he showed some sign of looking at me) because gah he was on chanyang too, and a leader at that! both leaders, gosh darns it all. and song team too, and these things that he did made it clear to me that he WAS looking at me, and as much as I wanted to ignore that, I couldn't help feeling happy. Because someone, actually some one person out there ( i mean, a guy) liked me for who I was, even though at Cheongpyeong I was sooooooo ugly with nasty hair and always stinky and sweating like crazy. I can still remember what he did to make me suspicious. I mean, he was so kind. Only once actually talked to me, thank goodness. I'm glad I have bad eye sight. I need glasses, and I HAVE them, but I look ugly enough without them so in a futile attempt to look less hideous, I do not wear them, sacrificing my ability to see people further than ten feet away from me. So, Cheongpyeong is big haha! I can't tell who people are without squinting, and that makes me look ugly too, so I try not to squint. But of course he wasn't far away all the time. Especially at song team times. Why did the keyboard have to be on the brother's side? He was right there, facing away from me, four feet away, singing his heart out with the song team. I love the song team. Being ont he song team. Even though I was never really a part of it, officially like by name. If Eliot-oppa calls for the song team, and I don't come up because I'm fast asleep on the floor, it's okay, it doesn't matter. He plays guitar or calls Kenmei, and I'm not needed. Of course not, I play really bad and I probably damaged the Korean keyboard with my banging. I've never, ever been an official part of a song team. Not in CP, not in last weekend's Il Shim, not at Sunday Service, never... I'll never be good enough, it's okay, I already know. I'm content with banging and recording my banging piano for youtube listeners who THINK I play okay, but actually I have no idea why they like to listen to me, I can't even stand listening to myself sometimes. But sometimes, sometimes I AM proud of playing a song I learned. One of these times was for SHINee's "Replay." I like my piano version of that actually. Even though most of it was inspired by another fan's piano version. I still liked it... was kinda proud of playing it... Anyway, everything else I play is horrible and with just the hopes of views and subscribers, so I'm really heartless and don't deserve my subscribers. I wish I could play better for them. Make them happy. SHare piano sheets that I dont have and can't make. Well, even though I say I'm never included, feeling like I don't fit in, I did before. Feel so loved. Many times actually. Only at workshops, camps, and even Cheongpyeong. Though at CP I felt very unwanted at times, like because I wasn't Korean. I dunno why I felt like that. Because I think Koreans and Japanese and Asians and Spanish and French and every nationality and person except me looks pretty? Maybe. But yeah, sometimes I felt very out of place because I'm not full Asian. I hate looking at mirrors. I don't think I looked at my reflection for the whole two weeks in Guatemala, lol. cheongpyeong, I hated seeing myself too. Sooooo... urg. Anyway. Back to way before. He did things I wished I didn't notice and didn't care about. But being so unconfident and stupid and grasping every little bit of attention, I felt really happy that someone maybe, just maybe liked me. That's all. Just that MAYBE was good enough for me. Of course I would never do anything about it. Like go out of my way to talk to him or anything. I just replied when necessary. Like that one thank you when he turned the keyboard speaker on for me. Or told him no, I don't think I can translate drum vocabulary, I'm not good enough. But it stuck so hard, the things he did. Waving me over to the Chanyang leaders meeting I was missing. TWICE that happened. Me being late/missing even though I was right there, a leader meeting.

LOL!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL thinking and writing about this right now, I realize it was hardly nothing!! What he did!! I was probably 180 stupid wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm just so stuck up and self absorbed, grasping at any possibility like this! HAH! I'm so stupid, so stupid~~ The thing that really gets me isn't the times I think someone is looking at me, but when I am irrevocably and stupidly and completely lost to thinking about someone else. CP's little "looking" thing was nothing compared to this 2+ and continuing crush. Gah, I used to cry and cry and beg God to make me the right wife for him. I remember those nights.

"I heard 80% of all the guys are possible matches for each one of us sisters, right?" I cried. "Then please, please make me one of those in that percentage for him."

I read that crushes can't last for more than 2 years. Because of some scientific reason or something. Hey, maybe it's true actually, because exactly two years after I got the crush, he left. He's coming back, this summer, but still, I haven't seen him for several months, and maybe it's over! Maybe it's finally over!!!!! I hope. Please, let it be over. If it continues after he comes back, it'll be more than 3 whole years of insanity. These months of nothing, it feels so good, to be doing other things than thinking about him. Even if these "other things" are just worrying, being afraid, procrastinating, banging on piano, trying to grow and stuff... I really, really feel like not having my crush around is so liberating. Yet still THINKING that I have a crush on him, I don't get another crush because that spot is taken with something so huge that another crush isn't possible. So, with all this time without obsessive thoughts, I've been able to have crazy awesome experiences at Cheongpyeong, breaking out of myself (NO one I knew was there, except a few BCs from the Bay Area ^^ Jessica, Rebecca, Sarah, Mako, Aika, Orion, Daehi... and LA: Winna, Harumi...) and winter workshop was awesome. So awesome! My all girl group was so awesome. It helps so much, I just get so I dunno, put up these worried barriers when there are brothers around? Even though I'm supposed to be their sister and all they've shown me is their kindness. Maybe I'm just afraid of... everything gah I dunno how to explain it. I just like being myself with my sisters. I'm afraid to get close, as casual friends to brothers because I feel like... LOL I should only do that with my husband? I shouldn't TALK to any guys except my husband? I don't think that's how I think. But that's all I can think of right now. That's definitely not the case, no. But still, being surrounded by loving sisters and brothers is what made me break out of myself. Just a bit, but still, better than ever before. I felt so good at winter workshop. I wanted to smile all the time, but my smile is so ugly no it's mostly how chubby my face is. I wish I had a nice smile that I could make other people happy with.

So, without him around, and me thinking about maybe what he woudl be thinking about me doing what I'm doing, I've been able to be myself a lot more. I wish it wasn't so. It sounds like he's the one making me be quiet and shy, and solitary? But no, it's just... he's so good at everything, that I feel so inferior and don't want to try to do something like him. Though I do. I learn every song he performs... GAH I DID? I did. That sounds bad. Stalking. If there was ever stalking done, I did it. And it's what I cried in repentance over at Cheongpyeong for.

Now that I've confessed almost little thing I've ever wanted to hide, why not go further? Huh I can't think of anything else right now though.

Once when I was angry, I drove the freeway ramp too fast and almost skidded to a crash. But it didn't even phase me. Music was blasting (DBSK's Mirotic, goodness) I couldn't hear even the traffic outside, rushing by, and I just STOMPED the gas pedal. It was because I was going to work. I was always grumpy and angry on work days. I wish I wasn't. I'm sorry.

My most favorite song in the entire whole wide deep hiroi world, is Moriyama Naotarou-sama's "Sakura." Ever since I heard it. It wasn't even him singing it when it caught my ear. Some guy was doing a cover on a Japanese show! The melody caught me, I went to look for the real song, and... ever since. No song will ever take it's place. Hey, I'm rambling about happier things now! Yay! Rambling is working. So well, not even DBSK's Mirotic, my fav DBSK song is better. Not Super Junior's Miracle, V.O.S.'s "Beautiful Life," nothing. God must have given Moriyama-sama "Sakura," because it's beauty cannot be beaten. Performances make me cry. I don't even fully understand all the Japanese lyrics yet. See how stupid I am? Yeah. I should learn those. I wish I could perform it too, for everyone. Singing, I mean. Not piano version, GOOD GOD I AM TIRED OF ONLY BEING ABLE TO DO PIANO VERSIONS. I WANT TO PLAY ACCOMPANIMENT FOR MYSELF DANGNABIT!!!!!! I want to sing, and sing beautifully!! But I'm afraid to try, because I think I'll never be any good. What should I do? I'm gonna hate myself and regret it for the rest of my life if I don't try singing. But all I can do is hoarsely gargle along, only when the music is blasting and I can hardly hear myself. For some reason, God gave me the wrong vocal chords. I don't have a girl's vocal range. I don't even have some guy's vocal range, they can sing way higher than me! Tachibana Keita, omg his range is crazy! Up to a high F I tell you, that's like, YUI! Anyway, I'm just saying I can't sing high but crazily, I reached a B once in winter workshop, and I might've annoyed Jackson in front of me. My voice cracked a lot, but not that B and I was proud, even though my voice was as thin as ice. After that, yeah my voice was kinda gone because I don't sing right. There's one thing to learn and practice singing, but another to be naturally talented at singing. I think that's what I want. But seeing as I'm not naturally talented, I don't know if learning to sing unnaturally is good enough for me so I give up. Do I? I dunno. I don't want to give up. I always lip synch, and sing for fun when no one's around. But never, ever by myself. Maybe twice. Alone in the car with a guitar. But never other than that, singing by myself, a capella or iwth myself on guitar or piano. I really hate it when my dad and mom talk about me, right in front of me, to other parents. It makes me feel so, so awful and horrible. Now I feel bad to Hannah, my music theory teacher and fellow BC. I gave up violin after months of her teaching me everything she knew. It was hard, violin for me, with piano taking most of my passion and everything. I'm sorry I wasted her time. And now she doesn't want to come back to teach me music theory, my brother guitar, and the Shaws music either, because we're so unenthusiastic... =(

Playing piano accompaniment for some famous singer on Kouhaku Uta Gassen. Wow... those pianists are cool. those bands are cool. Being in a band? That's a cool new daydream to start. Not for me in reality though... sigh. What am I good for? What use am of to this world? Can I be an interpreter? Is hating the language barrier and loving foreign languages enough? I also want to be God's 2nd gen International interpreter. Like that lol ^^; Is it too big of a dream? While I feel so little and always just want to disappear when things get hard?

I don't know.

But right now, I'm actually feeling a little happy and excited about all the possibilities in the future. It's all unknown, but everything has the possibility of turning out wonderful. But if it isn't wonderful, I can MAKE it wonderful, somehow. Though I'm afraid of everything, and wish I could change almost everything about myself, the future is a good thing. Specifically, I am looking forward to maybe cleaning Shim Jung Garden. I am looking forward to finishing high school. Going to college, even though I'm terrified, maybe I'll meet some Cassioepians (can't even spell it) or Elves, and make new friends and learn how to be in the real world. I don't really know the real world you know. All I THINK it is, is scary. But I hope I can meet someone like me. I'm looking forward to warm weather, SUMMER. My last summer vacation before college lol. I feel like it's my last summer vacation period =( But it's okay, I will make the best of it. I Am looking forward to One Heart Camp. I promised myself, and God to staff middle school OHC. I know it'll be so, so hard and challenging for me, butI made this promise during winter workshop and I will keep it, I believe in myself and know it's the right thing to do. Staffing anything is just another way of loving my brothers and sisters. The problem is, I think I don't know how to love. Really. I took this facebook quiz once. Language of Love or something. I didn't get physical touch, loving words, or anything like that. I got "Acts of service." Is that why I'm cleaning like crazy? Maybe haha. But well, if I show my love by living for the sake of others in practical, physical ways like doing the dishes, sweeping, or scrubbing the kitchen ceiling lol, then I guess there's nothing I can do about that. But how will that help me love? I want to sometimes throw myself out like a slave and do everything for everyone, but at the same time I'm afraid of doing something wrong. So everything in my just contradicts and makes me do nothing.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who does nothing.

I think Theodore Roosevelt or someone said that. I just remembered it. I cut it out of the newspaper and saved it. It's in my room, taped to something. I remember it lol! I like that quote I guess. And also, my favorite bible quote is

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I think it goes something like that. I look it up all the time at church, in the Bibles in the pews. It makes me feel a little braver, but I never remember it the times I NEED to remember it.

Can I, am I able to, will I be a good wife for one person out there, someday? Someday soon, my mom hopes. I want to be. I have to be. I will be. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, right? He gives you challenges for you to grow. And that's what the Blessing will be too. Other than being the most important thing of my entire life, and life after life, the Blessing is a way to grow. Whoever my husband is, he will be the person who can make me grow most. Will I be the one who can make him grow, too? Can I be a plus? Not a selfish, leeching minus? Can I be a true daughter of God...?

Yeah, I can and WILL BE.

I think I feel better now. I think I'm okay ^^ Belting it all out was good. Hey, right now the instrumental version of Sakura is playing on my ipod! :D Sakura really calms me down. That's how angry spells of mine usually end. First I'm listening to hateful raging rock music (Super Junior - Don't Don, TWINS; DBSK - Mirotic), then tearful ballads that wrench my heart (Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love; Angela Aki - Home; Moriyama Naotarou - Ikiteru Koto ga Tsurainara) then it just falls into inspirational music that heals my heart. Moriyama Naotarou's "Sakura" does it best. Calm me down. Though it doesn't usually end there. Then it goes to super happy upbeat music lol, like V.O.S.'s Beautiful Life, Arashi's Sakura Sake and NEWS - Weeeek and stuff hehe. Well... my parents have turned out the house lights, I'm sitting here in the dark kitchen, it's past 10pm, I owe my mom money for passing the computer curfew, my eyes hurt from the computer, and Moriyama Naotarou is singing to make me sleepy with his beautiful songs.

Tomorrow is scary, like everything else... but it's just because it's possibility. Possibility for bad and for good. I'm too afraid of the bad to hope for the good. I can make anything good. I want to. What is tomorrow? Tuesday. Nothing really planned for tomorrow... more study perhaps, piano again... movie with my sister, trial and error of weight loss. I have to stop being an angry person. Irascible. Sadly, that's the only word I learned during high school. Irascible lol. Easily angered, I think. That's me. At home anyway. But I wanna be the person I am at workshops. I think that's the real me. Though maybe a little louder and outspoken ^^ So... what is tomorrow?

Bright happy future! :D

Thank you, blogspot for letting me ramble to no one, but making me feel less burdened =) I'll go work on myself now. After a night's sleep ^^ Good night, world <3

Update

2009-01-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

I ♥ 동방신기의 [하하하 쏭]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

Winter Workshop 2008

2009-01-05T13:37:00.000-08:00

Winter Workshop 2008
Nor Cal - San Leandro
December 26th - 30th
Jenny's Journal Entries: Typed

[Day 1] Friday, December 26th

While I was preparing for the workshop (packing, shower, laundry) the Macfarlanes stopped by on their way to church!!! I hadn't seen Haewon in like a whole year, and Mika in longer!!! So happy to see them... we exchanged presents and I got exactly what I wanted: A SOCCER BALL! <3 And super pretty pajama pants omo!!! <3333 THANK YOU HAEWON I LOVE THEM A LOT LOT *hugs you*
Justin drove us to church, and okaaayy he had to park in the center of like ten brothers playing sports who all looked at us and I was like trying to disappear. They were all like "Heey Justin a mercedes!!!" lol...

Everyone I missed so much is here!!!!!
Winna, Harumi, Megumi, Dorothy, Mi Sook, Haewon, Mika, Yoshie, Yoko... omg I was so happy!!! People from CP, and just BCs I haven't seen in a long time. For an hour we hung out, laughed, played cards, talked...
Usually my parents drop me off and then I almost CRY when they leave. This time we drove ourselves, practically without saying goodbye lol ^^; This is my last winter workshop being a participant!!!!
Orientation at 5:30 Dave, Kwanchai and Deanne are so funny!!! <33333 We opened our "Top Secret" envelopes and had to find our leaders; my group!

Group 14:
Shannon, Rebecca, Dorothy (18 already omo!!), Jeungli, Yara, Yoko, Yoshie, Anjie and me yay! WE'RE ALL GIRLS I'M SO HAPPY <3

Made bracelets with our group's colors (green, pink and er, pink), eat spaghetti. Shannon really misses CP too! Me too yeah... a lot...
Omg Eric Ross is our workshop guitarist! :D
We played this group reindeer thing, and we had to:
1) decorate paper christmas tree
2) eat pretzels (without hands) and carrots *blurgghh*
3) wrap presents
4) sing and dance to the Rudolph song <--the most embarrassing I was bright red ><;
5) make a snowman (out of toilet paper and Jeungli ^^;)
6) RACE OMG IT WAS THE BEST PART. Drag this stuffed animal in a makeshift paper sled down the hall, screaming and crashing into the opposing team LOL We made a new record!!!!!! XD
7) throw and catch balls with garbage bags (we failed xp)

The workshop motto is "Let Your Divine Character Shine." The word "shine" has been being used a lot it seems these days, and I really like the word! ^^; Shine... SHINee <-- the k-pop boyband. Shine <-- TVXQ song... Rev. Cotter's words: We were great in '08, and we're gonna shine in '09!" XD
I love singing songs together.
We had like an hour of journal and sharing about negative/positive things of the year. I loved having time to write in my journal! And with EVERYONE! :D I shared about CP. But compared to everyone else, my struggles are... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no idea how much all other BCs go through, in public high school since I homeschooled since middle school. I don't know how hard it is. Sometimes I want to go to school just to see, but I think I'd like... die maybe. So... I feel so afraid for all BCs who go to public schools... who live far away and I can't do anything for them...

Once, in Cheongpyeong last summer, I fell asleep writing my journal lying on my sleeping bag and I remember half waking up and seeing Christelle-onni move my notebook and pen from under my face and putting them by my bed... randomly, I remembered that. Maybe because the same feeling of love and caring is in this workshop as CP...
I really want to be myself. I already know I'm louder, freer than usual. I know!! OMO!! Laughing out loud (I never did that in public) screaming (during the reindeer race haha), singing without being embarrassed, not being silent haha XD YESH!!!!!!

[Day 2] Saturday, December 27th

Slept horrible! Woke up every time I moved cuz I was worried. But I have this awesome determination haha... thanks to CP...
Gina-onni and I fixed our hair in front of the WINDOW as a mirror lolllll.... She likes Big Bang over TVXQ, but likes Junsu-oppa but since Wrong Number perf with the pinstripe suits and Yunho-oppa sitting on the two dancers knees, she might have to think that over she said ^^; Junsu-oppa is really dumb she said haha, I know, from that Friends show! But I thought it was just cute. And hilarious lol...
Shannon gave Morning Service!!! (This is what my lecture notes look like...)

Morning Service:
Weapon of choice - Friendship
- True Friendship = one true friend is all you need, over 100 friends. Friends are like diamonds/gems. They're rare and precious.
- God works through people. Friends are people. We're dense sometimes (all the time for me -___-;)

Exercises: >_____________________<;;;; Like... marine bootcamp!? @w@;

Hoon Dok He: Reputation / Character.
Reputation is how rich or poor you are. Character is how happy or miserable you are

Dude, Eric is good at guitar. And singing O_o; His own style...

Breakfast OMG I LOVE MIKA AND HAEWON SO MUCH~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333

During singing together, I always follow Ares-oppa's clapping because... uh because sometimes I can't tell when to clap lol? Which beat is better to clap on? RANDOMLY yes, I follow his clapping because he sits in the row in front of us ^^;
Gosh my eyesight is really bad these days. Getting worse? I can't tell who people are if they aren't ten feet away. Sometimes. But I don't wanna wear my glasses.
I miss playing piano already.

Sang on the stage with the song team OMO SO FUN!!!!! Like Cheongpyeong!!!! <3

-------------------------------------------------
Rev. Thompson's presentation:

He dropped his cell in the toilet. Renee knwe the 1st sentence of the DP omg!!

"Everyone is struggling to attain happiness & avoid misfortune." Avoid is mistranslated. It should be OVERCOME. Rev. Thompson said our parents wouldn't know that, but when we asked them, they said they knew. Even my little sister knew O_o;

God WANTS us to be hit with struggles, and then overcome them. And He wants to help us through them. If we didn't have struggles and challenges, we would never grow.

A Father's Santa Claus Cycles:
1) He believes in Santa
2) He doesn't believe in Santa
3) He plays Santa
4) He looks like Santa LOL XD

If God Wants us to believe in Him, why doesn't he just show himself?

The moon is 240,000 miles away. The sun is 93,000,000 miles away. If it was any closer, we'd fry up. If it was any farther, we'd freexe O_o; God is so awesome.

GOD = General Organized Director

Shiny nose = Rich fortune
Small ears = Sensitive nature
Deep wrinkles = Traumatic past

The face is divided into three sections, each of which show the past, present and future of a person's life.

Incorporate a prayer into your daily routine/habits. Every day. Change your life. Just read something, someone else's prayer even. St. Francis, Jesus...
If you want power, you plug an appliance into an outlet. If you want power, plug into God. Make a connection. Consistent, Every day, simple. God would be so happy.
Rev. Thompson is not asking us to do 90 minutes of HDH at 5am. Just ONE MINUTE A DAY.
If God is with you, you can overcome anything. Happily

-------------------------------------------------

Haewon went up with me to sing on stage <3

Singing on stage is the best. Especially because I can't play piano on the song team like in Korea. Cuz here, guitar is the main instrument. It was so awesome how piano was the main instrument in CP and not guitar lol! I felt so wanted and important... =\

Omg, Eric plays super good piano too! I remember last year, he played the Office theme but now I just get blasted in the face again with his multiple talents and feel really jealous lol... but no I shouldn't think like that. My little brother is so talented ^^ I wish I could play songs that made others around me gather around and sing along too.

Mama is here, making lunch upstairs!

------------------------------
Ritz-oppa's presentation:

"High school is life exaggerated."
"Guilt roller steaming my carcass." (ish)
Even if life is terrible, keep moving forward. It's okay.

Our belief, "One Family Under God," is another way of saying "World Peace."
Our belief, simply, is "Creating ideal individuals, families, communities, societies, nations, and world."

1) If I were perfect, I'd be:
Selfless, kind, talented, giving, living for others, living for my family, future husband. Beautiful, amiable, influence the world in a good way. No regrets. Recognize my weak points, flaws. Close with God. Not selfish OMG NOT SELFISH. Help my little sister not suffer and do the same things I did. Sing beautifully (lol). Fulfill my potential. Not embararssed. Proud of myself. Don't judge others. Honest. Not afraid. OMG.
Not so afraid of everything.

-Yoshie said at our group meeting, "no concept of social standings." Yoko said "obey parents, live in the moment."

2. My ideal spouse:
Selfless, kind, giving, loves children, musically talented, loving, sweet, understanding, supportive, funny, having straight priorities, STRONG FAITH. THE UNBREAKABLE BELIEF THAT NO MATTER WHAT, OUR BLESSING WILL NEVER FAIL. Growing. Patient, strong vertical relationship. A teacher (to me), not judgmental. Unstressed. A brother.

3. If money was no concern, I would buy:
A house, cars, airplane (my dad really loves to fly) for my family. Music stuff (instruments, recording stuff...) Everything and anything my family, friends needed. Give to charities. Hire Japanese and Korean tutors lol.

Then Kenritsu-oppa told us what these really meant.
1 = Who God really wants us to be. Your true self.
2 = Who you should be for your spouse. (He said if you did this after being blessed, it'd help your blessing a lot. "It works." Trying to be who you'd want your spouse to be. Because hey, wouldn't your spouse want you to be like that too?)
3 = How you are going to change toe world. So... I'm gonna change the world with music? I don't know...

Everyone said they were surprised with this activity, and liked it a lot. But while I was writing it, I knew that for example, what I wanted my husband to be was what I should strive to be. For some reason I just knew this activity. Last February's Blessing Workshop might've done that lol... cuz it's engraved in my mind, to "Not find the right person. BE the right person."

Confidence, awesomeness is your imaginary cape... (?) Henry Bechtel wore his cape for us ^^;
Religion is a training/fixing center to repair broken, dysfunctional human beings.
Tiny little baby steps. It's all you can do, and it's okay. Take it easy. "Life is awesome." You can have a blast. It's gonna suck too, at times, but it's okay.

I love the words "it's okay." It's always in songs too. It just makes me feel safe, really safe and warm.

Group discussion:
If you want something to happen, you just gotta DO something!!!
Rebecca said "You reach a certain level when hearing a simple lecture won't inspire you and hit you like before. Then you have to DO." Not just listen. DOOOO!!!!!
---------------------------------

I told Jina that I can drive for the workshop...! O_O
Mama, Daddy and Mr. Macfarlane are here lol!! Lunch was grapes and hot dogs.

Played piano. With Jean, Haewon, Mika, Misook and Renate. Death Cab for Cutie, Coldplay, TPL omo -_-; Chris Brooks came and asked about our Mercedes lol XD Compliment ^^; Playing piano wasn't as magical as last year. I was sad.

I drove my group to San Leandro bart!!!! :D I believe I'm old enough to be doing that now... and BRAVE enough omg. I have enough confidence to drive precious second generation in my car?

BART SCAVENGER HUNT (1 - 5pm):

- Two girls to do YMCA with us lol
- Two "40 year old" ladies describe God + laugh.
- Group 13 was on the same bart as us once, so we sang "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" with them ^^ That was really fun XD
- Made a heart with ourselves. Shannon looked so beautiful! I mean, she is all the time, but in this picture, like abnormally beautiful...!!!!!
- Fit into a shopping cart (Sort of. Ahhh I was just hanging on stupidly, ruining the picture... -_-;)
- Yoga post
- Midair jump picture
- newspaper hats
- sang "you are my sunshine" to two ladies who video camerad us lol!
- MTV Cribbs show OMG THAT WAS FUNNIEST. YOKO IS SO GOOD!!!!!!! "Yokoko..." "Shenaynay" ROFL
- gave X-mas card to Bart driver out the window lol!
- pic with two weirdly dressed people... in a good way i guess...

After, I was so confused! They told us all to get off at Bayfair but my car was at San Leandro! So Jeungli and I almost went by ourselves back on bart to get my car... but them PHEW saved.

Let go of your pride.

Dan drove me and JJ back to San Leandro. When we got to his car, JJ folded forward the seat and I so, completely, without a doubt expected to go sit in back. But when JJ went to the back himself, I was kinda momentarily shocked and speechless. I mean, for one thing he is older than me and deserves the front seat, but also he doesn't know me and I am a girl and I just thought... but oh man was I wrong. He's a gentleman!!!

Aw man I was so stupid *worst part of the workshop* Anyway, drive some sisters (and brother) back to church, then follow Dan to Bayfair and pick up more sisters <3 It seems like some people were more tired and not happy about this activity than others... =\

------------------------------------------------
Kwanchai-oppa - Do What You Say
Our parents (2st gen) are the purest idealists around.
When words match actions, trust and harmony are built.
When words don't match your actions, you are lying to yourself.
1) Define values
2) Live by them = Two Step Wonder Method

1) Boil down (like clarified butter) until you get the stuff that'll last forever
2) They have to be yours. YOURS. YOUR VALUES. Not somebody elses. Act on your values.

When you unite your mind adn body, you get energy :D
People that do what they say are great roommates, friends, siblings =) (he told the story of his sister, on the computer...)
"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Ghandi.

The harmony of the world begins when I can be in harmony with myself.

------------------------------
Mr. Dishman's testimony

You can never, never judge or guess others. Their personality, their past... there's no way you can ever understand them by looking at them. This was proved so many times at Cheongpyeong for me but still it gets me every time.
He sang us a song and made me smile =)

Because Yoko was tired I massaged her and then she returned it! And then I (tried) to massage Shannon's hand. It was like CP! I think I get all my strength from that time in Korea last summer. Singing on stage. Massaging others. Arm in arm. Song movements, laughing, talking... my confidence came from 40 days of suffering yet highest spiritual happiness in Cheongpyeong, Korea. As well as all the years of being loved and supported, encouraged by elder BC brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles of this community...

Dinner with Mika! <3

My nose bled for 2 hours. Not in the way you'd think.

Evening activity was making a collage/poster of your BART pictures! This is where I get sleepy and uninspired, actually... I'm not artistic (visual) and I'm hopeless at colors and design and stuff. So I kinda just sat there, watching Yoshie, Yoko and Shannon and the others beautify our glamorous poster. The pictures came out well, I think if only I could scratch myself from them... -____-; the sisters in my group are so beautiful... i feel like, how can i stand with them...?

While many others at the workshop are tired, I am not tired. I will never be "tired" again. Because tired is Cheongpyeong. Tired is being able to fall asleep in 30 seconds at any given moment of the day, and not being able to wake up unless someone pushes you around. Tired is 5 hours of sleep for 40 days of climbing mountains, sweating gallons, ansu-ing hours, living on a hill, and trying to fulfill your goals while missing your family to death and singing your heart out. So yesss, I'm so happy that I wasn't "tired" at the workshop =)))

*sigh*... I cried before falling asleep because I don't want to turn 18.

[Day 3] Sunday, December 28th

Rebecca was the first to give me a hug and tell me, happy birthday <3
I don't wanna be 18 though =(

Exercise: aerobics with Jeanina and Miki lol a lil embarrassing, but okay =)
HDH: Love is a verb, not a noun (feeling). It's something you do.
The only thing stopping you from success is yourself. There's ALWAYS time for the important things. You can't wait for other people to encourage you.

Yoshie exclaimed that it's my bday lol, but omo Anjie has to go home today! D= Yoko prayed about my birthday in her prayer omo... <3 Everyone told me happy birthday =)

Morning Service: Jake McCarthy.
Funny dog picture XD

We cleaned our personal stuff, then our group had the sanctuary. I LOVE CLEANING! Mama was like, leading sanctuary cleaning lol because she cleans it Sunday mornings ^^; After breakfast, Rebecca, Megu, Harumi, Winna and Jessica come sit with me in the sanctuary and Harumi taps my knee, "Happy Birthday!!" Rebecca omo. Rebecca made and gave me this insanely pretty keychain with the Chinese character for "Love" a chinese guy a flower and a pink star on it! SHE MADE IT OMG!!!!! THANK YOU REBECCA I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO STUFF LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333

Upstairs, Chris Brooks split all of us in three. 1 was led by Channa, 2 by Chris, 3 (us) by Eric and we sang "Row Row Row Your Boat." IT WAS SUPER AWESOME!!! And beautiful lol!! So fun I really liked that XD
For the first time in my life, I did the "hey hey" movements, like lifting the roof? In "By and By." I was always too embarrassed and stupid and locked inside to let go and loosen up to just do THAT. Hey hey. HEY HEEEYYYYYYY KYA XD NEVER BEFORE.
I stood up but my finger was under the accordion door and uh I kinda scraped my skin off. It hurt a lot. It still does (Jan 2 writing this) :(
Sandra talked to us, and shared her heart without notes (lol) because she forgot them at home ^^; Sandra-onni!
Complaining in your hear (private) is a bad CONDITION. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. <-- I need to hear that a lot. MAke the effort to get out of the midway position (neutral) to go to God's side God's side God's side.

I drove Shannon, Yara and Jeungli to the swimming place! I followed (tailgated) Dave-oppa nervously. But it was sad in the slow lane. Anyway, they talked about family during the drive while listening to the radio. One Republic came on twice lol!

Swimming/Sport Center:

I hung out with Rebecca, Jessica, Jeungli, Aimi and Helen. We went to the "secret" showers, walked around, then ate lunch for an hour (2 - 3) in the couches. So quiet, away from everyone =) We talked a lot and laughed a lot, eating our sammiches and apples it was so fun. It was like bonding.
Then my brother Justin walked by and said happy birthday =)
Coming out, Mi Sook and Sarah found out it was my birthday and Mi Sook hugged and picked me up lol... XD She said "I can't believe you're 18! I thought you were still 15" YES XD

The Drive. OMG.

Shannon had to drive another car so it was only me, Jeungli and Yara. I was to follow Shannon because I didn't know the way back to the freeway. Then suddenly, Mr. Macfarlane in his big white van was waving and putting his blinker on so I got into his lane, in front of him.
Then at the red light, he jumped out of his van, ran to us, opened the door and "Here you go girls" handed us a pan of cinammon rolls.
We were just like, WTHEECCKK!!!???? LAUGHING AND LAUGHING XD
I had to cut in front of Mrs. Lapres to get onto the freeway >_______<; SORRY AUNT MYRNA!!!!
Mr. Macfarlane was way ahead. We were like, "wouldn't it be funny to give the cinammon rolls back to him through the window, on the freeway!? hahahaa..." and then LOL we got into the fast lane and caught up with him. We all ecstatically waved at their van while we passed them, but didn't pass the rolls back XD
Near the end of our drive home, we approached the intersection I really hate. Halcyon & Washington? Or something. I really, really hate it. The light. So we were going, but I knew, I KNEW it was going to turn yellow at just the perfect moment. I wanted to stop right now, while it was green lol.
It turns yellow.
I slam the breaks.
I forgot if we were screaming? Maybe not. We screeched to a stop partly in the intersection.
Mr. Macfarlane's van ZOOMS by, into the red light.
We scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Then I reverse and wait for the light, I try to drive while in park, then we get back. It was a pretty crazy drive XD
It turns out that Mr. Macfarlane and my little sister made the cinnamon rolls this morning! I didn't eat any but I didn't know... =(

Later, Shannon told us "OK, I don't see a black car. I've lost her." Lol we forgot we were supposed to be following her! I just didn't know the way back to the freeway, that was all, but we really did leave Shannon and Mrs. Lapres behind... =(

-------------------------------------------
Kwanchai-oppa - Reinventing the Garden of Eden

Consequences of the Fall:
- We weren't made this way originally
- God lost his family, Satan gained one
- GOD'S BROKEN HEART (His children consciously left him)

4 Fallen Natures:
1) Failure to see from God's viewpoint
2) Leaving proper position
3) Reversal of dominion
4) Multiplying evil

The first act of love was selfish. Don't repeat history.
Walk a mile in someone else's shoes

Reversed 4 Fallen Natures:
1) Seeing from God's VP
2) Staying in the proper position
3) Respect and love our Abels (parents, aunts, elders, teachers)
4) Multiplying good --> good Samaritan

Choices:
I don't want to --> handicapped hearts
Yes, I want to recreate the Garden of Eden --> Go back to God

Don't hurt God's heart.

--------------------------------------------
Josiah-oppa's Presentation

Narcene (sp?) Creed (Omg, Donny is so smart!)
Um... uh...
While everyone loved Josiah's talk so much, and understood everything and became enlightened and everything... for some reason, I was kinda lost... O_o; Why? I was trying to listen and understand, but my brain couldn't handle it or something. I think fromt he beginning, I kinda had this preconception that Josiah's is super smart and intellectual, and since I am not, I wouldn't be able to understand... >__________<;

Anjie's older brother came and told our group why Anjie left...
Koolaid massacre discussion? Never heard of it but it sounds awful... horrible...
The line for dinner didn't move for 15 minutes. During dinner, Shannon asked all the December (or was it the ones during the workshop?) birthdays to come to the... front? Anyway... everyone sang Happy Birthday for I didn't know who he was until now Juju? Joojoo? Young Joon? and Dorothy and me and I dunno if there was anyone else... was Hanson there?
Shannon gave me two ice cream sammiches because my birthday was that day, then Juju was like "what no fair, my birthday's tomorr--" and Shannon gave him two too XD
Eating ice cream with my friends was really nice =) Last year, and the years before that, I wouldn't have eaten it. I wouldn't have eaten any desserts, and hardly any meals lol... because I was stupid. But now I know what to do ^^

Blessing Testimonies

Ritz Yamamoto & I dunno what his wife's name is... >n<; -
It was super nice to hear Korean... <3 and even understand some...
Believe it is what God wants you to do (the Blessing, go forward and being ready for it)

Amalia and Sung Hyun

Deanne and Kwanchai -
It'll be a challenge. Effort, commitment... Doing things you don't want to do when you "wanna do your own thing."
Kwanchai said he put himself in a good environment, and things fell in place well.

The Blessing will be the first time you are committed to a person.
Their processional song was William Tell Overture lol? XD

I wanted to cry when Deanne was crying. Saying she never had a person dedicated to her, loving her, and understanding her. And I finally understand why Kwanchai doesn't like to publicly talk about their Blessing. I don't know how to put it... he's just such a good older BC brother...

Dave asked some cars to be moved. I knew he would say ours lol... but not like that...
"If you have a black mercedez benz, please move your car to my spot." LOL XD
But, all the brothers were going outside. I was the only girl there so frantically I looked for Justin and gave him the keys to move the car because I didn't want to drive with no sisters around...

And for the first time ever, two BC brothers talked to all the sisters before our sister talk.
It was one of the best parts of the workshop (content).
I know how to be a good sister now, to my brothers. I hope I can be.

Sister talk (juniors and seniors)
Pray to God, what to do after high school with parents. What be best? Develop your relationship with your parents, cmoplete trust. Maybe, a year of service?
Be selfless, have your priorities straight, clear, pure... LFSO.
The Blessing is so God can work through us, help the world through us as a couple, a Blessed couple. Believe that God put you two together for a reason.
Make conditions.
Respect.

Shannon, Gina-onni, Rebecca, and the other elder BC sisters are so loving and caring. They do everything for us. I hope I can be like them someday soon.

Gina-onni told us seniors, "Oyasuminasai~" <3

[Day 4] Monday, December 29th

So hot, tired after exercises argh -_______________-;
We always have our group 14 HDH on the carpeted stage upstairs.

With the song team, we sang 3 Little Birds and Light of Grace. So moving. But in between, Juju (sp?) was called up and we all sang happy birthday to him, 14 today ^^ With guitar, bass and drums. Then Renate was like, "what about you?" and Shannon jumps up and says it was my birthday yesterday, and makes everyone sing for me now... so embarrassed...! i felt bad for everyone. it was like half hearted the second time lol. and since they sang happy bday to us yesterday too, maybe they were getting tired of me having my birthday during hte workshop and i just felt really bad... =(

Miki's morning service:
God's Unconditional Love
Don't reject God's love, which sometimes comes as compliments from friends. Be open.

Lol, I think I got the most out of her morning service! I could tell everyone was making effort to accept compliments and not reject them during the workshop lol. Me too =)

Breakfast: cereal and muffin 1/4 with Ariana, Jessica, Rebecca, Jeungli, Aimi (I thought you spelled it Aimee?) and Winna. After, we laugh soooooo much about funny things in Cheongpyeong last summer. And not so funny lol. Mostly about pink eye XD

I want to staff middle school One Heart Camp '09 now.

------------------------
Kwanchai-oppa - True Value (Christology)

He told us the one heart '06 story again lol. It's a good story. The drunk teens at night, Rev. Thompson's silhouette while he ran after Dan for the police... Kwanchai can tell stories so. well. Dave too. and Ritz. They're the funniest brothers around XD

How can we be important, precious, valuable?

True value of a person is measured by how well you can give/love others.
Some people define themselves and their value by their clothes, grades... it's unhealthy.

If something is fulfilling its purpose, it's valuable.
We were created with a purpose. To fulfill the 3 Great Blessings.
1) Love God
2) Love your family
3) How you love the world. What legacy are you leaving?

LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO LFSO

1) Divine value
- when we become the person we were meant to be
2) Unique Value
- When you reflect God's heart like no one else
3) Cosmic value
- when you fulfill... ? You're so precious to the universe. You're very irreplacable.
We have incredible potential.
If we didn't know our true value, we'd waste our potential, and aim low.
God first looks at our hearts.

We are most at peace when we are doing what we were created to do.

Choices:
1) Don't do what we're meant to do
Unhappy, unfulfilled
2) Will fulfill our purpose
Important to God, others. Able to see a glimpse of God's character inside yourself (when Kwanchai's Dad knew he had value...)

---------------------------------------------------
senior girls slept during the 30 minute break ^^
Hey, if there's time and everyone else is doing it too, I will sleep too =)
----------------------------------------------------
Sung Hyun-oppa

Korean school ends at 10pm omg.
High school may be boring and bad but after, time will fly. You have to work on yourself during this time. Don't waste it.
He feels amazing heart in America, Korea is different. The standards, the rules, how you grow up as a 2nd gen.
Whoever you meet, try to treat them with a certain attitude. It will prepare you for your Blessing.Seek to understand the other person.
Is Kenjangi... coincidence?

Caught up with Haewon at lunch. Like what's been happening...
Looked at group BART posters. So cool!

We played this 300 game. At first, I was like oh no... *sigh* not my thing...
Being Persians was boring, throwing newspaper balls at the Spartans, who got the crown once. And I thought being Spartan would be worse, hiding behind a cardboard shield and running through the Persians attacks and dying and going to bootcamp over and over. 20 jumping jacks, 10 pushups, and 10 spins.
But actually, it wasn't so bad. Being Spartan was all right ^^ Though I only made it to the safe zone with the crown with the others when there was 10 seconds left ^^;

Omgoooodness Masazumi is FAST O_o;

I won't share anything from Fort Sharing because it's confidential <3 Just that we finished the box of cookies in two minutes, before we even started talking and that our fort was the best XD

--------------------------------------------------------------
Rev. Thompson
Rocky (Ares), Dave, and Joshua lil play lol...
The Messiah comes tos et us free. Our job is to grow out of our old restrictions and become... full? He set you free, you have to move.

True Father is the champion of:
1) Knowing God
- "God is miserable, I want to stop his misery."
2) Knowing Satan
- Most people are "how can I get food to live?" while we are "how can I STOP eating." omg.
If Beatles had met the Messiah... Through music we can spread DP message. Music is a language spoken everywhere.
3) Human nature
- through study, intuition
4) spirit world
5) Jesus. he's the #1 christian
6) Bible
7) History
- We are the luckiest people in the world, living in the same time as the Messiah.

The secret to Cheon Il Guk:
"Love your wife & be a good daddy."

Temptations: Food, sleep, love
--------------------------------------------------------------
I felt so bad, I forgot it was our cleaning turn after dinner until the last minute! I'M SO SORRY!!!!
We were late to the award ceremony of the BART scavenger hunt! We got 2nd place OMG!!!! Ares group #6 won 1st, but it's okay because it was fun :D We watched groups' videos lol... I wish we could hear what they were saying... =\ Hanson's trophy was really cool!

I'm really short O_o;

The song leaders don't let us volunteer to go on stage anymore! They're going by groups! =( But even not singing on stage, singing "sailing with our father" was so moving... if I actually think about the words I'm singing, it's so beautiful. And seeing all my brothers and sisters singing these words too... with all their heart, really really...

"And we'll be sailing~~ with our Father..."

I don't have a girl's vocal range for some reason and I just wish I could reach the high powerful notes instead of falsetto. But I do the best I can even if my voice cracks, the heart is what matters (as well as at least slightly hitting the note... xp) and i was so stupid to not sing in past workshops and stuff. just clapping or whatever. i just couldn't break out of myself until now, really. I'm gonna miss singing with everyone. I can't wait for OHC.

----------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Cotter

Daemonim can see your spiritual body when you walk through the gates of CP.
Mrs. Cotter is talking but my mind is wandering. I want to staff OHC middle school. I will try. Surely this workshop high will be gone within a week, but... I tell myself now, now now!! I PLEDGE TO STAFF MIDDLE SCHOOL OHC 2009.

What you put into something spirtually it is greatly affected. Like when you're cooking, and sing or chant "oishiku na~re" like in anpanman ^^;

Let your character shine *

When you wake up, even if it's not formal it's okay (but it'd be nice) to greet Heavenly Father. Every morning, open your eyes, and your first thought should be gratitude for being alive and breathing again. Say, "I want to see what You see. I want to say things to express love. I want to hear what You want me to hear, and do things You want me to do." And be sorry for bad things you saw and bad things you said. "Thank you. I did blah blah blah... did you see Heavenly Father?" :D Your life will be so shiny XD
---------------------------------------------------------

Finally, they let anyone who wanted to sing on stage and I went for sure. Renee, Mi Sook, Jean, Renate... we sang "I'll Never Leave You Anymore." I was okay until the last chorus. Then I couldn't sing anymore but just cry. Mi Sook hugged me. I stumbled back and just cried with a runny nose while Dave talked to us but I couldn't look up. The only thing I remember is that he's afraid that we won't come back. Have we had enough of a good moving experience to come back? For some reason I was so happy to see Jackson's hand go up (sitting in front of me) ^^; But Dave said he wasn't sure.
We repented on paper at 7 stations and also wrote goals for 2009. I felt so bad and cried a lot. We burned them outside. Please forgive me for everything wrong I did last year, Heavenly Father.

I followed the 2nd gen car in front of us to the Marina. The right path was blocked so we took a detour. Everyone was silent.
At the Marina, it wasn't even cold. No wind. Just a cool, refreshing stillness. We gathered in a huge circle. Ares had a white headlight. Eric had his guitar. We linked arms (Haewon, Jeungli) and sang As the Deer. If I think about the lyrics, I want to cry. But mostly I tried to sing with all my heart. Lily was singing close to us... so touching, heart warming... Swaying, a tight circle arm in arm. Connected. Ares' light went over the frosty/dewy grass and fog...
O Light of Grace.
When we started repeating the chorus in the end, and Ares was telling us how to sing... I wanted to sing so loud, so hard so bad but I couldn't stop crying. And just when (everyone else) couldn't sing any louder, we all closed in a really tight circle around Donny, Rebecca and Dan. I heard a lot of sniffling. I cried the whole time. So hurt, because God has been hurting... yet so warm, loved, safe... and sad and sorry, repenting...
Split up for the 21 minute prayer. It was harder to pray than in CP, but I did. Other than repenting, thanking and pledging... I prayed for the protection of BCs all over the world. I love them so much. I didn't know what else there is to pray about as important as that... the happiness, well-being of BCs...

"Uri-eh soweoneun tongil..."

We said our goodnights to Heavenly Father, the world, each other... drove home following Steven, being followed by Chris. One red light would NOT turn green so we took it red XD Drank hot chocolate, so warm... then good night...

[Day 5] Tuesday, December 30th

Sungil-oppa's Morning Service
Richie Rich (movie?)
You have to give first. Give and take starts from someone. You.
You can't change the little things your siblings do that you hate. You can only change yourself. SO give more. Look past flaws and be grateful for them, so you can grow. Pray when you're struggling. Then try hard to think of what you're grateful for. Your whole load will be lifted of. People never tire of receiving thanks =)
-----------------------------------------

I love my all-girl-group.
I will take care of my younger brothers and sisters.

Our group cleaned up outside. Garbage juice = GAHK ><;
Sat with Mike and Jeungli. Felt so relaxed, wonderful.
Reflection, sharing, Yara talking about horses. Super interesting! :D
Dan's story: "Hey, how much are your $20 roses?" XD ROFL
Hanson's birthday! Everyone sang with Eric's guitar, Ares leading.
Rev. and Mrs. Cotter talked to us.
Then testimonies.

First, brave, open and BCs that everyone knew went up. Renee, Dan Brown, Donny... Then I began getting thoughts, like of what to say. A couple ideas... but no no, I don't want to go up. I don't have to go up so I don't want to.
But no, my conscience kicked in, and for some reason, I knew I had to go up.
I forgot what I said and I think it was embarrassing, but I really, really wanted to just say, mostly... that I love everyone a lot... and then, I felt really good. Like... me.
Kaylie was so cool... deciding not to get into her routine "low" between workshops :D
Luke said "I love you" to God in his prayer and everyone was like AAWWWW :3
We (Renee, Jean, Mi Sook, Renate) got on stage for our final song. Jean hugged me for my testimony <3
Now was our final song. Channa said we always sing Journey because that's what we're going on after the workshop. Journey is such a tear-jerking song. I was okay. Again, until the last, last chorus. Then I couldn't sing anymore.
We prayed. I don't even remember who prayed. Ares? I was just crying with Renate and Mi Sook, who hugged me and told me it was okay.
Mansei led by Mitz. OG MANSEI!! OG MANSEI!!!!
Then everyone was hugging me and telling me they were proud of me. Yara, Haewon, Mika, Dorothy, Rebecca, Jeanina, Aunt Annie and Aunt Myrna, Debra (my testimony "made her life" omg...), and even Sean Calavan! I was so touched by everyone... I couldn't have done it... finally broken through to my real self without the suport and love of everyone through the past years... it took 18 years... I hope I can keep it up... and be the real me everywhere. More than me. As much as I was meant to be.
Instead of lunch, I hugged everyone goodbye and waited with Haewon and Mika. They were going first. Why couldn't they stay over at our house for a day? An hour? It was so sad...

I've seriously reconsidered living in Japan. I wanted to so badly before, but now... I don't want to be anywhere far away from all the BCs I know in California. I just want to be with these BCs that I love. I can't survive without them. I don't wanna go to the Korean concert in May anymore. I was obsessed about it but now it's dumb.

My brother ran after the green van, bringing LA BCs home. He and his friends ran down the street after them...
I miss everyone already.

Later, Justin told me that once, on stage, I had my arm over his teammate Marie while singing. She went back to the group and asked, "Hey Justin, do you have a little sister?" He answered, "Yeah, two. And one older, who you were with up there.... *lol*" and she was like "what!?" XD
Things that were important to me before the workshop are stupid now haha. I feel so good.
I just can't wait for One Heart Camp. My last one being a participant. My first OHC staffing (I hope). I miss everyone already so much. I can't wait for church next Sunday. I want to join junior STF am i too old?? =( I want to staff or do Il Shim again, in a couple weeks. My parents are going to the matching convocation in a couple months (not to match me. for info because i'm not ready ^^). I can't wait for more venturing outings to have fun with BCs. I can't wait to change the world with everyone.

w-inds.のリーダーへ

2008-12-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

橘慶太さん!!!

お誕生日おめでとう!!!!!!!!!
世界中の男性で一番高い声の歌手!!!　XD
w-inds.の歌ピアノで弾きたかったけど｡｡｡　昨日はジュンスオッパのお誕生日だったから時間は全部そのために使って｡｡｡　アアごめんなさい!!!!!　；＿；　でもw-inds.の歌はむずかしくて私トライしても出来ないの｡｡｡　＞＜；　

慶太さん、　そして明日のお誕生日の龍一さん｡｡｡　お誕生日おめでとう!!!!!!　<3333333

-----------------------EDIT---
エエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエ
何で何でエエエエエ
紅白に来ないのオオオ!!!!？？？？？？？　

；＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿；

二度と会えないと思う人へ

2008-12-15T23:44:00.000-08:00

ジュンスオッパ、　お誕生日おめでとう！！　
ずっとずっと幸せにいてね？　＝）
みんなおうえんしてるから。
みんなはジュンスオッパのことが好きから｡
ジュンスオッパは世界中歌手一番だから　♥

いつも歌って､　踊って､　歌を書いて、　あたしたちに笑顔をあげて。。。

本当にありがとう､　ジュンスオッパ。

생일 축하합니다 준수오빠!!!
사랑해요 ♥♥♥

私にはピアノしか出来ないから｡｡｡
ピアノを弾きました､　ジュンスオッパのために｡

-　どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう
（東方神起のキレイな歌だから）
-　그 아픔까지 사랑한거야　(Piano Version)
（ジュンスオッパはいつもアカペラで歌うから；　ジュンスオッパの声がめちゃめちゃキレイだから､　この歌を好きになってしまった　＾＾）
- 그 아픔까지 사랑한거야　(Accomp)
(ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　나 항상그대를 (Piano Vers)
（ジュンスオッパがチョウ可愛い演奏したから）
-　팀의 사랑합니다 (Piano Accomp)
（ジュンスオッパが歌ったから）
-　Beautiful Thing (Piano Tutorial)
（ジュンスオッパと東方神起の歌をみんなと弾きたいから、　みんなで､　東方神起のために）
-　Beautiful Thing (Piano Accomp)
（ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから。　東方神起のも）
-　ジャンリーインとジュンスオッパの　（TIMELESS　ピアノアコンパニ）
（ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　ジュンスオッパの　RAINY　NIGHT　（ピアノアコンパニー）
（この歌は本当に好きしい､　ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　노을.. 바라보다 (Picture of You) Piano Version
（この歌はめちゃキレイと好きしい、　東方神起のピアニストになりたいから）

이지훈와 신혜성의 인형을 치고 싶은데... 못했어요... 시간이 없어서... 미안해요... 아디션에 했는데, 준수오빠...

このものはジュンスオッパにあげたいものです｡｡｡
心をジュンスオッパのもとへ届け｡｡｡

------------------------
私､　家族でいつも紅白歌合戦を見るので､　今年東方神起が来ると聞いたとき。。。　オモ嬉しいいいいいいいいいよオオ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!　びっくりして､　おどろいて｡｡｡　キャアアアアアアアアアアア!!!!!　待てらんない!!!!!　XXXDDDD　

東方神起の紅白の演奏をお楽しみに待っています!!!
東方神起 화이팅!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
がんばって!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!　♥♥♥

JUNSU-OPPA'S BDAY TODAY IN KOREA

2008-12-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

OMG!!!
It's tomorrow today in Korea, but it's still the 14th in America! I want to call out at the top of my lungs,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNSU-OPPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
터질 듯한 가슴이 그대를 부르고 있어!!!

Tomorrow in America... just wait...!!!
♥