MBC Korean Music Wave 120521

SUPER JUNIOR, TVXQ!
See how many fans you have in America?! Please come back, you have to come back!!!

It was mind blowing seeing you in person, it was like a dream.
You are... REAL PEOPLE.
I had only seen you in pictures and on the computer for many years. And to see you in person? I was crying the night before, so excited to see you. Then scream my head off during your whole performance. Please come back... my sister and friend waited to get tickets for over 6 hours, then waited at the concert in line for 11 hours. I couldn't go because I had a final at school, but I came right when I could :)

Thank you for such a wonderful performance. Everyone was great, but Super Junior and TVXQ, you were the best! Saranghae! I was so sad Junsu, Jaejoong and Yoochun is no longer a part of TVXQ... it feels so wrong, still! But nevertheless grateful that I could at least see most of Super Junior, and some of TVXQ. I love you guys!

I will win an instrumental cover contest on Youtube one of these days, and win a trip to see you in person and meet you!! I WILL. I WILLLLLLLL I am so inspired to play more pop piano, and it's finally summer vacation so I CAN, and I WILL. I will meet you! My dream is to play piano for you! Either just play for you or play YOUR music for you to sing. Sounds like an impossible dream... but I still dream :)

I hope you don't have jet lag, and had a safe trip home... please come back soon! We're all waiting for you <3

Almost summer!

やんちゃぼうず　XD

True Love Waits

After starting poems in English class, I randomly sat down on Thursday, the one day I have real free time, and told myself I would write a poem. Just sit there, and right a rhyming poem. And I'm so happy I did! I remembered how fun writing poems was in high school, and got my poem hung at my charter school once, even! So here's how this new one goes.

Recently I've been thinking about my arranged marriage a lot. Wondering who this person will be. If I've met him already in the past, or if it's somebody totally new. Feeling impatient, but trying to prepare diligently. I'm excited for the future, having somebody to be with forever... I've been missing him a lot, and I don't even know who he is.

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True Love Waits

He lingers in my mind all day
I cannot see his face
God hasn't told me who it is
He hasn't left a trace

I shouldn't guess, I shouldn't hope
I mustn't be close-minded
For He knows when the time is right
He's already decided

Is there only one right guy?
God molded... only one?
I really hope my parents find
The parents of that son

Who is he? Who is he?
Where is he? Where is he now?
I want to know so badly
Can this hurry up somehow!

Can he play piano?
Maybe sing a song or two?
It's okay...
As long as he likes music that I do

I don't want to be picky
It's been twenty-one long years
It's just... I'm so excited
Sometimes I go to tears

I can't say it's been easy
Crushes hurt. A lot.
But after all these years
My purity, I've still got

I wish I had the courage
To let True parents choose
The Blessing is God's gift to us
I have nothing to lose

But something deep inside of me
Says it's okay to stay
My mom and dad can do the job
Just as well as they

Not that it matters
I'm just curious to see
Cute, ugly, handsome, pretty
S'all the same to me

Spectacles or freckles
Coffee fan or tea
I'll do my best to love a guy
As dorky as can be

But wait, I've got a LOT to do
I've got to grow mature
Responsible and ready
LFSO-ing for sure

Lucky just cannot describe
Second gens' potential
Arranged marriage may sound weird
But it's precious, it's so special

When God gives us His Blessing
When our two fates resonate
I know that I'll be proud and glad
I believed that True Love Waits


Jenny Hughes
April 19th, 2012

Footnotes
* True Parents are the founders of my church; they're the ones that brought my parents together! And they have been "matching" people in my church for a long time, but..
* the job of matching is being handed down to the second gen's parents, whose job it initially was.
* LFSO - Living for the Sake of Others
* Second generation of this movement
* Matching = engagement (but different...) Blessing = Marriage (but different... different...)
* "True Love Waits" is on our purity rings! I've put pictures of it in youtube videos lol. Bottom line abstinence until marriage :)

Who Will He Be

Much more than a boyfriend

So much more

Straight down from Heaven maybe

But I wouldn't be worthy of that

What can I do tonight

What can I do tomorrow

To prepare to be matched to God's son

For all of eternity

I want to know who he is

More than anything

Every day is near agony

Not knowing, not knowing

Have we met?

Do I know him already?

Or is he out of the blue

Does he live far away? Will I go to him?

I can't go another school year without knowing

When will I be ready

Will I be ready

I trust in God

Who will he be

Hello Again.

The madness continues, yes. I've gained more weight than before I became anorexic now. Life is awesome and horrible at the same time, how's that work? School, friends, church and piano make it amazing. Some friends, some school, some church and some piano make it awful too. And guess what accompanies every little part of my liiiiiiiiiffeeeeeee...

I am afraid of some people who might be reading this.

The people closest to you hurt you the most.

I don't know who he will be, my future husband?

I am grateful for having the church band to invest myself in every single week, for God. Without that anchor I might be lost.

My mom doesn't mean to hurt my heart until it's in pieces, she really doesn't.

I am supposed to be doing my second draft of an English essay. I'm tired.

My tooth rotted, cracked and broke off because of the acid. It's finally starting to give me pain now.

I need it to stop raining so I can bike to school, please.

I wonder who he is. Will I be capable of loving him properly?

I can't delete my past. Is anyone in this world completely innocent?

God, you are weird sometimes. In a good way.

In the Middle.

Stay or go. New York music internship for three months, or stay in school, where everything is provided for this fall semester. School started three days ago. Everything's perfect, except for the most painful component... him. Two bands with him. And mutual friends. Feel like I'm tearing in half when I'm around him, seeing what I SHOULD be doing, would be doing if it were last semester. I have no time and I have to decide. I'm trying not to be selfish, open to God and hearing what He wants. Most of the points are going to school but something about NY still haunts me. I need to buy my textbooks, focus in school, practice for bands, get my head in the game, get over him and become a normal friend again lest I writhe in vain alone. Or run away and go to NY in October, after half the semester in the bands and even play in one concert. Hate living on the wall like this...

But today was awesome. ALLNIGHTER at my friend's church, CTF in the pitch black park, "Have you ever" "Deer Hunter," "Quelf" XD Piano, sardines, hot sauce fight, three cups of coffee, dead skunks gah... slept at 4:30 for three hours, then breakfast at Carrow's for other friend's birthday yay! SOOOOO FUNNNNNN I LOVE THEM. And my diet's going fine, for a total of three days. Hours of gym, under-control food, music, friends, family too! Feel a balance shaping. Somehow, if I stay in school where I feel i belong so much (until my heart just crumbles while watching him laugh and smile for everyone else) and I just can't give this all up, then I need to beg for my job back at Eon, where I went for my first day and quit that day. But women's history professor is terrifying... but I have SEVEN friends in that class, OMG <3

If I wrote a note to God... and put my heart out on the page... what would I tell Him? If I knew He would truly, absolutely read it. I know He's out there. Forever I will know it in my heart, I can never deny it. But I just can't feel Him and His presence, guidance these days. This decision is killing me, Lord, please show me the way. Do You want me to stay or go? Which would be best for my family, my friends, for You, and even for me...? Please, I am trying to open my heart. I am counting points for each side. But no matter how many points school has, NY just HAUNTS me. But it's so equal, it's a tug of war and time's run out.

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The motion sensor lights went off when I played piano too stiffly for too long, and I was surprised at how much easier, so much easier it is to sing in the dark by myself.

Life sucks at this moment.

Yesterday was wonderful. Boardwalk with school friends. Saw him for the first time in a month, I was terrified, but it went okay. Didn't speak to him directly once. We both waved at the same time, then I had to ignore him else I reattach myself to him, and he respectfully kept his distance for me. Of course now my heart is in a million pieces and I've been singing one song all afternoon, alone at school.

Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.

Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.

But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.

- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj