Destroy one special relationship... sabotage another.
I'm a great person. Lose best friend, lose therapist in same week.
I realized there's 1% of me that's not willing to give up these disorders. And that's what's been stopping me, other than my stubbornness, unwillingness to forgive, not wanting to grow up, wanting comfort, rescue, love, and kind words, being afraid of responsibility. Blah blah blah. Today was extremely shocking, embarrassing, humiliating, sickening. It started good, but I knew it was going to be bad. Because it was all decided in my head how I was going to spend it. Stupid, right.
Saw pictures of the beach outing that I missed out on because I just could not bear to see him there.
He hadn't gone.
Still, I could not have been in the mood to be happy, and too embarrassed to show my fat face to my school friends, who have only seen me skinny.
I miss being skinny. It was my pride and joy to be called small, pretty, cute, adorable, skinny. SMALL. Pride and joy. Stupid. I'm so materialistic...? External. But it's a relief to have the agony of losing my best friend relieved, because I'm stupidly focusing all my life on this eating disorder. Stupid. Stupid. I want to know how he is. Is he fine already? I'm just worried, and so sorry.
My therapist said I knifed him, I did. I'm knifing my whole family, and her. Stabbing them with what I'm doing. Hurting everyone. I'm so numb, I'm unbelievable.
I can't go to camp fat. I just can't. There's so much I want to do, and I feel I can't do itf I'm fat. If it's that important to me, why do I keep doing this? Tomorrow it starts again. It feels so hopeless and stupid, just stupid stupid. How many times have I said, "from tomorrow, I'll diet" blah blah BLAH. Well, it has to be. I have less than two weeks to lose I don't even know how many pounds. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I feel sick. Terrified.
I just wish my therapist had some kinder words, a softer approach to helping me. Tough love, harsh advice. HE was so kind, gentle, understanding, encouraging... that's why I got too attached. And now he's gone, my therapist almost gave up on me because I hadn't told her about him, and she was blown away by my dishonesty. Chapter two problems are related to my eating disorders, she says. How? How? I have to. I have to. I missed the beach outing. I won't miss another fun outing. This Thursday is a sleepover at our house already, I'm screwed. Monday is a concert at the fair I'm going to for sure, I won't miss Tenth Avenue North. And then... camp. Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm scared to go fat, I'm scared to be energiless there, I'm scared of being fat forever. I can't stand it. I won't stand it. I hate this. I hate this. It's the worst physical feeling. This week has been terrible. I know I deserved it. I have to be a better daughter. I have to. Father's Day tomorrow? I have nothing. Nothing. But I have new goals starting tomorrow. Nothing will get in my way. I'll use my stupid stubbornness for this. If I follow the structure of last crash diet, I can lose 3 pounds the first day, then 2 each day after for a week. It was awesome, I can't believe I threw it away. This time I'll be more careful. I have a plan. Jenny does not fail when it comes to diet. I'll be my ideal weight again, and NO it is not going to be 85 pounds again. It's not even 94.5, Inoue Mao's weight, Becky's weight. My perfect weight was 107. Ish. I'd be happier with a safe little bumper, so maybe 103. Please. Please. Please. I have to.
Showing posts with label bulimarexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bulimarexia. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Bulimarexic
THAT'S what I am. Two into one. I would've never, ever guessed that I would become one. But that's all I know now.
Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.
Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.
I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.
Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.
And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.
Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.
It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."
Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.
Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.
Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.
I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.
Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.
And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.
Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.
It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."
Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.
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