Now what?

The author of this blog has passed away, due to an overdosing on laxative pills.

Just kidding. I am alive.

Day one, woo hoo. The pain came at 7:30am, that familiar pain yups. Severe diarrhea and stomach pain three times? I would've continued in my mini-coma like last time I overdosed, sleeping until 2pm, goodness gracious. But my friend texted me. He needed to talk! So I was able to get up. Seriously, my mom calling me to get up was not working.

Offering table at church, drink lots of water and have one banana after much internal debate. Nap a tiny bit, freezing cold. Moment I got home, CRASH in bed but GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH another friend texted, needing help sorting sheet music at school. I had to go.

But before I went, mama FORCED me to eat lunch. I did not want much lunch, not on this day one of my new diet, but she got mad and then got really serious and scary and I still did it. She said... she feels like crying so hard, at what's happening to me in this family. She doesn't know how to help me, she feels hopeless. I need an eating disorder counselor, my current therapist is not working, she said. I confessed about the laxatives, just spat the words out. I was so angry, scared, frustrated, that I started laughing. I must be insane. Hey, instead of an eating disorder specialist, or behavior therapist, just drop me off at the asylum.

I still cannot digest these things. I avoid eye contact, I eat (not badly, today thank God) and without words, I numbly unconsciously chant "I don't believe this I don't believe this this isn't happening, this can't be happening, I don't like this at all please stop." I'm such a coward. I can't face anything. And I finally, finally cried for the first time in weeks.

Progress! I can cry again! Not too numb. I hope I burst into tears in some public spot and make a whole huge dramatic commotion.

Filing at school with friends was fun. My hair was not straightened, I was so much fatter than the last time they saw me, so I don't know what they thought. And my yearning to have a guy, just my guy, my future husband/fiancee, came back again, ahhh...

Moment I got home, CRASH in bed. Really sleep this time. I heard mama come in though, and I heard her... I think she just stood there and stared at me for some time. Touched my head too. And then I HAD to go to stupid, stupid choir practice so I had to eat dinner. Food is TOTALLY different to me from yesterday. It was a nightmare yesterday, it had control and numbed me. Today... I still abhor it, but it's not overwhelming. I'm tired.

Choir was as miserable as I thought it'd be. Wanted to cry, but great I didn't. Nap in the car as my mom shopped, and FINALLY can go home to sleep. But great, tomorrow we all have to get up early and now my mom's hounding me like I'm still 10 years old to go to bed, go to bed, blah blah blah.

I still wish, with my immature, naive little self... that someone out there could fix me.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... to fix you.

You sang so.

The End of the World

I am going out with a big bang today, the end of the world in terms of my bulimic days. From tomorrow, I will eat like the skinny, pretty, happy girl I used to be, no matter how scary it is and how hungry I get. I shall end this painfully stupid embarrassing day by listing everything I ate. And threw up.

Breakfast (free):
2 egg omelette with cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
1/2 grilled cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
Banana, walnut, chocolate chip pancake (last of the box mix) with maple syrup, uncooked pancake batter, butter, strawberry & mixed ice creams

Then my mom came in and I pretended I had only eaten a pancake. Continued to make and eat:
2 egg omelette (another) with the same stuff
Whole grilled cheese
Beans

--Commence purging--

Coco Puffs and oatmeal cereal
Two little Japanese mushroom chocolate things
Trident gum (I did not swallow it)

Lunch ($5+):
Hot Chocolate with whip cream
Raspberry cream cheese muffin (bad bad choice)
6 ice breakers

--no purging, surrounded by church friends--

Snack (free)
PBJ sandwich & half banana

Dinner (free):
White & brown rice
Chicken & celery
Beet greens
Bean sprouts mixed with egg
Miso soup
Furikake

Insanity (6:30 to... hm no? 10:40):
Rolo McFlurry ($2.84)
Cream filled chocolate donut, sprinkle donut, poppyseed muffin ($3.75)

--Commence purging in library bathroom--
(I can go from feeling totally sick and the food coming up my throat to fine in three minutes like that)

Coca Cola ($1.25)
Lucky's slice of some kind of cake that made me wanna die while eating the last bites ($3.99)
M&M's ($.50)
Donut (?)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom--while mama calls and asks where I am--
(Geez. Written down sounds even stupider. I was possessed)

Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza (?)
Cherry & Raspberry & Cherry Cola mixed slurpee (?)
Sprite ($1.49)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom again--
--Commence downing laxative pills for the purpose of feeling empty tomorrow, and going through agony throughout the night to prove to myself I will not tolerate weight gain, and this is truly the end of being this fat. Forever. Second time reduced to taking these. Oh, ($3.89)

Two slices of buttered toast with cheese (free)
Some more laxatives
Cup of cereal (free)
Handfuls of walnuts (free, now my mouth hurts)
Some more laxatives
Half banana

--No more purging allowed because I took the pills. Don't want to bring them up and render them useless. I'm surprised at how much I can down, myself. Purging feels so relieving. Disgusting, sickening, but yeah happy to get rid of it.

So... the last time I used laxatives, March 21st (the "real" end of the world") I lost count of how many I took (one whole box, had to buy another different bottle) and it took hours and hours to kick in! I think only the second kind worked, because I may have thrown up the first ones. Oops. Well, exactly six hours after the second type, and overdosing on purpose on those, the pain came. Oh, man. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. Every two hours or so, going to the bathroom. I didn't know how much was inside me. And agonizing stomach pain. It went on until 2PM, I was shocked. Must've gone into a mini coma or something, and I wasn't freaking out after. Sure, glad I was alive, and stupidly proud to have gone through that because obviously, I'm unconsciously trying to do every little stupid horrible thing an anorexic/bulimic can do before I try to recover.

I have to recover for my future husband. Gosh darns it. I have to.

I dunno what'll happen tonight. Sigh. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I have no idea how much I weigh, but my clothes hardly fit and I can't stand being with seen by school friends and church friends, so tomorrow if I survive the hopefully coming excruciating agony (though if I was hospitalized, that would cross off another thing on my bulimic to-do list! I've always wanted to be hospitalized. The easier way out and easy way of losing weight. Be given everything you're supposed to eat.) and then exercise like crazy, eat little, and become my favorite past stable weight of 100 - 105 ish. I can't wait. Though it'll be hard. And this time I have to obey my therapist and do the therapy, or else this nightmarish cycle will repeat for the rest of my life, like it has been for years.

I'm super numb (emotionally, not physically) because of all the bingeing and purging (that's the point of it, like I realized Sunday) but tomorrow morning, I hope I'm raw. I hope I successfully kick away my food shield. I hope I cry and feel the fear, and get over it because my friends are here to help me.

Can't Sleep

I will not surrender.

Why can't I sleep? I slept until 2am, then BAM wide awake. So I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince. I downloaded "Fiction" Beast's new song. And am planning today in my head. I miss my school friends. I know One Heart Camp is going to be oh so hard again, like always. I pray this time I can focus on my group, on growing, on giving my all to every one of my brothers and sisters, instead of focusing on my stupid disorder, as well as only one person.

The path to recovery is so hard.
But I can't not take it, there's only one path. I might take a super long time, complaining, whining, throwing up, crying, feeling hopeless, yet feeling absolutely joy, love, support and care at the same time... but I will eventually see the end of this long, tiring, unbelievable disorder, yups. And then, the road to real life begins :)

I WILL NOT SURRENDER.

Today looks so cold, it's not a good day to go to the beach :( I hope Santa Cruz is warmer. I will be skinny again so the next time we go to the beach I will wear whatever I want and feel pretty again. I wonder who my husband will be.