Maybe I can't take it anymore.

How much do I suck at being a genuine human being?
Maybe enough to lock myself in my house and stop trying, stop trying to be someone. Instead of being famous, today I wanted to be invisible. What about beautiful, talented and invisible? That would be nice. I could be happy with myself, I could see everyone else happy without me, and everything would be dandy. I think everyone hates me. I can't do anything right. I have nothing. I'll become nothing at this rate, no matter how hard I try.
Why not stop trying. Just stop. Everything.

Chopping bamboo forests down is good for my anger and frustration and despair. I can chop with the loppers and snap and break and stomp on all the bamboo that I hate seeing in my yard. All the while, getting cuts and bruises and bleeding and itching and getting sunburn. Pain felt good today. Bleeding felt and looked good. Like, look, someone pity me. And no one does, so... I don't know why I like being sad. Do I like being in pain? Being a nobody and feeling useless, worthless. No matter how happy I think I get, it's taken away in a second and I don't think I've ever once felt true happiness. I am waiting for the day I can find true happiness and satisfaction with myself, in this life.

Right now, Epik High is singing and rapping the deepest emotions of my life. I should by Tablo-sshi's book. I wanted to go to Utada Hikaru's CD signing in San Francisco on Thursday, but, of all times, we are going on a big road trip across the USA on Tuesday. Just like the two concert locations that I could actually attend David Archuleta's concert, I will be in LA, this summer. I'm cursed.

Yeah, I'm cursed. That's what it is. Maybe my ancestors are at the bottom of this. My negative self esteem. Gah, I don't think I'll become a cutter, but it's not like I'm trying to prevent these cuts and bruises from chopping bamboo and exercising too much...

I'm cursed in several ways. One is too embarrassing to mention. 2nd, when I drive, no one is behind me. If they are, they are tailgating me. For some reason, people don't drive behind me. I bet it's a bad thing. 3rd, when I am around, my dad messes up on whatever he is doing. I swear, this is true. I show up to help, and he measures a piece of wood wrong on the shed, or forgets something somewhere.

I wish I could express emotions into amazing songs like Epik High.

To Colorado, on a road trip.. for some reason. Maybe I can find myself. I thought I knew who I was, but I don't like her. I've been trying to hard to change her, but it's not working. I wonder why God made me like this, or is it my fault? I wish I could go back to my childhood and live in blissful ignorance of everything. It's selfish, but I'm too afraid, I can't help it. I am afraid, I am not ready to grow up, I don't know what to do, I am a nobody.

Starting the day right

the only thing I remember from 5am hoon dok he:
"Love has the power to create anything."

I believe! <3

So far, met with my home school teacher, handed in another month's schoolwork. Had music theory lesson with Hannah, learning Bye Bye Blackbird. I love the sound of these chords! :D Scrubbed mildew off bathroom ceiling while listening to Narnia soundtrack. Figured out the chords to Drake Bell's "I Found A Way" from the Kid's Choice CD from the library lol.

I want to eat lunch, watch Chicken Run, buy chapstick for my sister, practice piano, read, UGH just remembered, choir practice tonight. It makes me feel so worthless, going there actually. But I'm stuck. I have to, I can't quit, no way they won't let me because there's no one else lol... ><; I'll try to be happy about it. At least I get to play a nice acoustic piano. Though they've got like 3 broken keys... =\

Mie!! I wanna be her friend!
1) we'll both go to the same college next year
2) we both play piano a lot
3) we both love arashi
4) we both watch j-dramas
5) same japanese class
6) same tribe
7) both asian (she's whole, i'm half)
8) both BCs that should be enough lol... to me...

Why aren't we better friends right now? =\

The future.. GAH! it's so full of chance, opportunity, the unknown...!! :D

Not good.

I. Hate. applyists.net.
What's their problem.
No matter what I do I can't fix their problem.
My school is not on their list. So I click "NOT ON LIST."
"Add school information."
Blah blah blah, I add all my information!!!!
SAVE AND CONTINUE.
IT DOES NOT SAVE AND CONTINUE.
"Contact us" with a question.
I fill out the whole form, tell them the problem, then submit.
IT DOES NOT SUBMIT.
I WANT TO SCREAM AND SMASH THE COMPUTER. NO, I WANT TO HACK INTO THEIR SITE AND SCREW UP THEIR INFORMATION, CAUSING THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS TO LOSE THEIR OPPORTUNITY AT SCHOLARSHIPS. I WROTE THE WHOLE ESSAY, FILLED THE WHOLE FORM, ALREADY SUFFERING FROM GUILT THAT I'LL HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE TO WRITE A STUPID LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION, AND NOW IT DOESN'T EVEN SUBMIT. I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO COLLEGE!!! I'D BE HAPPY WITH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, I'M ONLY TRYING BECAUSE GOD TOLD ME TO BECOME A JAPANESE INTERPRETER SO I'M GOING TO A 4 YEAR COLLEGE SO I CAN STUDY ABROAD ASAP AND I DONT HAVE A JOB I NEED SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO PAY FOR ME, AND I CAN'T EVEN APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE OF A STUPID WEBSITE AND IF IT TURNS OUT THAT IT WAS JUST SOME TINY STUPID LITTLE PROBLEM, I REALLY AM GONNA SMASH THE COMPUTER JUST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HACK WEBSITES.

I hate stress. And money issues. And thoughts of college.
I'm only going trying to go to college because God told me. And because I personally wouldn't want my spouse to not be aiming for higher education and goals. But I'd be pretty, not completely, satisfied with just being a wife and mom. Why waste 16,000$ on an education I won't use, if I just become that: a wife and mom. I don't want to be an old mom. But I don't want to be an old interpreter. So what am I supposed to do?

Go outside, lie on the roof and listen to music all afternoon.

주문 Mirotic

I can't believe it's banned! I was completely shocked!!
I LOVE MIROTIC. When I first heard it, and still. I dunno any other song I've been so overly obsessed for (without getting tired of it!) ever! I love banging to it on piano, watching the MV (DANCE MV 123923648273641374 times XD) and I'm learning the dance to it now haha XD
Now that it's banned and deemed inappropriate for 18 and under (that's me. 17!) I want to listen to it more, and record and upload and dance and sing it everywhere HA!!!!

동방신기오빠들, 사랑해요!! 화이팅!!!
がんばって、　がんばって!!!　♥

First Japanese Class!

And only one I'll have before going to Korea aw >< Went to Jeungli's house and had Japanese class with her mom, Tiffany, and Mie!! It was SO fun ♥ We picked out texts we would use, then read this... Buddhism-children-book...
Man I have such a long way to go before I am fluent in Japanese. It's not if I'll become fluent, but when because I know I have to. Korean too.
Also practiced violin... recorded a tutorial for TPL on piano... ^^ i hope it helps everyone...~ tomorrow going to a barbeque with famfam! Then I'll work on Epik High's "One" guitar duet with my brother, and hopefully record "Doushite Kimi wo..." piano tutorial ^^
Vivaldi's "Storm" is so. Amazing. I can't stop listening to it, played by Henry & Joshua Tang... over and over and over... I want to play it so bad... I'm willing to take years to play it, of course... it'll take years to get good enough to join a symphony of any sort, and play Vivaldi.
Oh, yesterday, I was thrilled to hear Mozart's "12 Variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the radio!! Of all the songs they could play, they played the one I had JUST recently heard and gotten addicted to!!
Okay... that song will take a while to learn on piano, but maybe not as long as violin will take >n< both are so hard for me... but so fun and beautiful I'm willing to do anything.
I wanna take my violin to Cheongpyeong lol... on the airplane... XD
After summer, I have to get a job, make money! I need to pay my dad back for Guatemala still, and Cheongpyeong too ($2,000 total goshdarnsitall) and then buy my own better violin, and pay for my own piano lessons with an intense classical teacher. I probably can't support myself with one part time job like that (one more year of high school to go! THEN WHAT!????)
OMG i'm not gonna start thinking about "after high school" right now. Because I'll figure that out in Korea.
Yeah... I'm riding so much on Cheongpyeong... I have a whole list of goals! Including "figuring out the purpose of my life," "making lots of friends," "opening up and being myself" and "learning Korean, Japanese and Chinese" yups.
Anyway, I guess I'll just ramble every single day on blogspot XD ramble ramble...
Oooh I voted for Super Junior as Favorite Artist!! ♥
What else...
Oooh no one beeped at me while I drove today. Definitely a plus. Today was a very good day, in all! Not wasted, for one thing. Video upload... finished "one" tabs... japanese class... violin practice... made an origami panda lol...
Okay yeah I should go to bed now. Enough of staying up until 1am writing blogspot journals and super junior fanfics while listening to Vivaldi XD