xsilvermercury: guitar, "leader" mixer, uploader
keudae - piano xp
It was so fun and cool!!! We did a collaboration on youtube!!! My first ever, but he's super experienced and a crazy guitar player!!!!! I'm so excited LOL XD
Please watch:
[DBSK - Bolero Collaboration]
Showing posts with label piano. Show all posts
Showing posts with label piano. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, September 26, 2008
Cheongpyeong 126th Int. 2nd Gen 40 Day Workshop [Part 2]
July 31st [Day 22]
Coughed all night 밤새도록~ Bad sleep. Cold air caused coughing, slept late, 4:45 ><; Francois new brother in leading the bows, korean pledge. For the 2nd time, I skip Holy Ground, this time to help Victoria and Rebecca do our DP lecture poster. All I do is two yin/yang symbols and eat Rebecca's cream puffs.
CY practice,
"Sebonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUT!!!!"
Yesssssssssssss x3 nervous. Keyboard leader's RASUTOOO!!! I learned how to turn on the piano. Francois practicing hard.
Honestly, I felt a lil tired cuz I COULDN'T SEE THE CARDS. I think it was Denise-sshi... could see only when she stood up. I PLAYED TANSHIMGA TOO FAST!!!!! But I'm thankful to God that I didn't make any major mistakes... and the whole thing/session was really fun, especially the end, banging the chords XD
Just 17 more days, 17 more long days... I'm close, close to realizing what my purpose of life is... leaning to translating from frustration of not being able to understand Kayoko-sshi, Makoto-sshi, Jessica and Rebecca speaking Cantonese/Mandarin with Sharon, Grace, newcomers Motoyo, Rebecca... an djust anyone here. Hearin the languages I love, unable to understand... I hate it to the point where I'll dedicate my life to understanding, and helping others understand and feel others' words with their hearts.
Wow, I'm strengthening these thoughts and still undecided heart just by writing this down XD
After CY, talked to Megumi-san with Kayoko-san at the Japanese office about me becoming leader. Still, I'm shocked at them picking me, me of all people!!!
Soonam-oppa called me, "dependable" or was it "reliable"? ^^;
OK, playing for the song team is beyond awesome <3>n<; I love being on song team though... <3 A TEAM. Chanyang too. A team. A group. Together, with a purpose, bonds, devotion, hard work, for others. 사랑해요, 이 기분이 <3
Aw Jessica gave me Korean rock chocolate...! ^^;
Lunch with Kinesha, Heejin (who finished the workshop but came back to visit ^^) then go to Japanese office again but Megumi-san not there, so go to store and buy lil-keyboard-leader-notepad.
Finished lecture poster (1:30 - 4pm) well, Victoria did. She skipped meals to finish the beautiful artwork and invested 100% into it! I invested 5% of myself. Rebecca, maybe 90%. I'm so bad. We practiced our lecture, skit. Pretty confident. Just that I have speaking to do, and my voice is like gone. Garble.
Down to cafeteria, nothing to do. Talk. Sleep with head on table. Then... something wrong.
MOTOYO IS CRYING. Where's her trinity? Who's in it? Because she feels like no one needs her advice and what she has to offer!! =\ She's crying so hard...
If I'M struggling with this schedule, what about HER and everyone younger than me?! And look how much heart and effort she puts into her time here... I should be stronger than this...
Sisters comfort her until she can stop crying... I think her trinity comes back from somewhere...
I still can't believe I will be キーボードー長｡
I can't wait to tell my parents!! I haven't called then for a long while. no time, not really feel like i have anything to say. i won't call until i've become an acceptable piano leader. i'm sure jyun-sshi will be more leader-like than me... demo ganbarimasu!!
I'm so jealous of Haruka, Jyun-sshi, Erika, Korean kangsanims... they're all tri-lingual!!!!! What I need to work so hard to become, they are naturally!!! Or are they... did they study, or grow up learning? =\
Later
My clothes are getting moldy! I left them, wet, in a bag for three days and now... there are black spots and they're stinking up teh whole hallway omg ><; what should i do!!!?? at times like these, i just wanna cry, "Mama-----!!"
After dinner, hurry to Jp office, but Megumi-san not there again! AH!! I need to talk to her!! So nervous about being new leader... I Think I really am becoming it...
At CY practice, Soonae ecstatic for me. I'm just scared. Meeting go... then.. Jyun...-shi? pull me to front where I gargle out "keyboard, jeokbonjjae Yuuka-sshi" but no one hear anything i say!! xnx; jyun-sshi help me whole time, smiling, thumbs up <3 then akoto-sshi announce i'm new leader and everyone clap... i bet they might've been thinking, "SHE'S the new leader!? Wtheck...!?"
Then I'm completely lost. What the heck do i do next?
Haruka comes up to me, claps my shoulder.
｢ベッキちゃん，がんばって｡｣
<3
On stage for practice, Yeonhi tell me to tell everyone *two fingers, then roll hands like drum "faster" sign* lol... we have one new member! Tho we're losing three. I did dubonjjae. Ara was first, solo debut (I could finally SEE the cards) then Yen Chuan-oppa. before, he massaged his face for a long time in preparation to smile for 30 minutes lolollll ^^;
OMG the main vocal dude (debut, from our workshop) never gave me one FULL eye contact! Then he just went to turning his head at me without any eye contact at all!! I felt annoyed but tried to keep a sincere heart...
After, hurry around... Kayokosan tell me about covering piano, then find Kohwa to translate x) so jealous!! but yeah, I'm pretty scared right now. Too many important things to remember. Have to find MEgumi-san and write everything down!!!
Francous asked me to help him practice piano after lunch tomorrow. Winna gave me two throat candies ^^ I'm worrying so much about my cold, I need to NEED TO get better to be a good leader!!!!!!
Motoyo heard me coughing like crazy, gave me medicine from Hong Kong!! I thought it helped, but by bedtime I was going insane again. Each breath is difficult because it triggers coughs for some reason... and sometimes stuff (mucus-y) gets stuck in my throat and I can't breathe and I'm afraid for my life, going to SUFFOCATE ><; All night, half-sleep, cough, sweating, sitting up, LATE FOR CY PRACTICE nightmares.
August 1 [Day 23]
Dress clothes. Clean upstairs bathroom, brush hair (LOL, that's rare) go only to Water of Life, 3rd time no Tree of Blessing. Getting lazy after first time, seeing how easy it was to not go.
So happy, played Song of the Garden well for song team (i think i did...) <3
Simply, I'm terrified.
DP contest, music club performances? THat's nothing compared to my pleading, begging, yearning, stress to becoming a good piano leader. It's all i can pray about.
Christelle, Sharon, Grace, Sophie congratulate me on becoming leader. Christelle knows it's weird, being leader of people older than you... ^^
MEGUMI-SAN NOT THERE! Was closed, 7am. Help Francois practice now instead of later.
Doing my best, but still can't believe/act like i am a leader. i know nothing!! Yeonhi would be a better leader, or haruka (leaving) and why not Jyun!!!?? I'm happy and grateful for this chance, but i feel so unworthy!!!!
even so... even so!! i'll do my best.
Um...I did the third pianist part. and I realized, a little too late, it was the wrong sheet music for tanshimga. So... p;laying with one hand, i searched the other sheets while hundreds of eyes were on me. FREAKING OUT. Screaming in my head, NO NO NOOOOO!!!! Saved myself by the second time through. only made it by the memorized bits i could remember and the weird, wrong sheets in front of me. but face hot, feel so bad. after, turn off keyboard, abby tell me it's okay, i was good. but i walked away with my head down, wanting to run and hide. apologized to God. go straight to Jap office and ask questions, take notes, get sheet music.
I was totally alone at JSW. Apologize, beg... apologize.
After these 40 days, where everyday , ever minute i had to be somewhere to do something like...; CY, climb, sweat, sleep only 5 hours... go home, sleep a week, then have nothing to do for a while will. feel. good. then get a job, start new life of after CP *
During lecture, didn't listen or learn ANYTHING. I miss my family so much. I can't call them until I've become an acceptable leader. But it feels like I have an endless mountainous amount of things to learn, memorize to be a piano leader. so. afraid. so. worried. especially because it's a 2 day workshop tomorrow. so. scared.
죽을 만큼... 두려워.
I want to go HOME.
Practice Tanshimga with Jyun-sshi in Small hall after hurried lunch. Goodness, drum leader is everywhere lol ^^; Hurry music club. After, Geojitmal with Abby ^^
Half-sleep through whole HDH. I'm so afraid. Too stressed. I Want to go home. Please, let me sleep, not be burdened with Keyboard leader duties... please... God... I feel so alone, even though Harumi is practicing guitar right next to me.
I miss my family. I'm so tired, of everything. Exhausted, stressed, afraid, zero self esteem, i could DIE here, couldn't I? Maybe, one hopeless feeling day, I could fast and do everything physical and tire myself out until I faint and then I can LIE DOWN, rest for a day or two and make everyone worry about me.
Lol... *tears*
At 4pm, our music club performed Tonghua, It's God's Community and One Family Under God yups. I Think we did all right... ^^ I messed up in the intro of the first song goshdarnsitall >_o; but i didn't see Kenmei playing piano or anything for the greater good XP
Art club was GOOD! (GACs?) Seijin, Jeremy, Like, David. They're all really good! =) Then OMG STOMP TEAM. Jessica, Rebecca, Kinesha, Heejin, Kohwa and Victoria really surprised me!! It was like... a banging... kinda slightly creepy in-synch dance :D Then our trinity do our lecture and skit.
Ting-Yi onni!!!! New keyboard member!!!! :DDDDDD She can already play too!!! :D Later Eliot-oppa asks if I can play "crazy songs" like "Flight of the Bumblee." I can't. I don't know that song either... ><; later other trinity do their lectures. Sharon's was SO. Good. took notes.
Today was the first day I ever fell asleep during the day. Anyway, tired. I want to go home so badly. I'm soooooo stressed because I don't know if the CY leaders will announce the whole 2 day workshop performers next meeting!!!!! So scared.
神様!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The song we sang this morning was "Let It Be." the lyrics kind of match my life right now.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Heavenly Father comes to me... Speaking words of wisdom, [Let it Be...]
"And in my HOUR OF DARKNESS, He is standing right in front of me... SPeaking words of wisdom, [Let it be...]
"[Let ie be, let it be, let it be oh let it be...] Whisper words of wisdom...
"[Let it be...]"
神様，私に何か伝えていますか…？Maybe... "걱정하지마..."?
I think you gave me this position to pull me away from my bad habits. No time to doze off, or ボーっとして。
But I dunno if I can handle the responsibility of this. What if I can't be a good leader and ruin everything? I'm trying to search for self-confidence and ability in this. But it's so hard.
The 2 day workshop coming up is terrifying me.
During cleaning I lay on the ground on 3rd floor and fell asleep with rebecca, motoyo. Wake up, go Water (skip mountain AGAIN.). I run after Jyun-san and she answer my questions about this morning CY. YES i have to announce members for whole two day workshop...
so well... at meeting, all i could do is announce morning CY, then Jyun-sshi explained ot makotosshi that becuase i "couldn't" talk to megumi san i couldn't announce... THANK YOU SO MUCH JYUN-SAN. LIFE SAVER.
Before CY, Naomi came to my side and thanked me for smiling last night, it really helped (she was main vocal)
OMG. made my day <3 i did not know i did that.
then did 3bonjjae pretty well... SO HAPPY. go jp office, ask million questions to megumi-san about 2 day workshop, feel much better ^^;
The abscences i notice most are August, Insun, and Hide. =(((((
At lunch asked Megumi-san MORE questions, bought socks, throat candy, batteries, tissues, silver pencil case.
DP lecture contest: 3 - 4:30. Some, SO SLEEPY while listening. Others, hilarious, LOVED. So far, Seiya's trinity was the BEST, SO HILARIOUS yet you learn A LOT. Thomas-oppa had to cut off people cuz they took a long time, even after he made the "T" sign... ^^;
At dunner hurry, stressed, WHERE JYUNSAN!? oh yeah before dinner asked megumi-san MORE questions XP Vocal leader tell me important stuff like tomorrow 7:20am B1 for practice. Um, omg. I haven't practiced Grace of the Holy Garden in G. I'm gonna die.
Denise-sshi tell me perfing CY has to sit at CY place during lecture, and I DON'T have to play piano for kangsanim tonight!! only josanghaewon!!! Contrary information, but she sounds so sure... so i believe and thank her. yeah omg SHE WAS RIGHT THANK YOU DENISSEEEE-SHIIIII!!!!!!
Searching while singing for SOonae, tell other if see her tell her... then POP & OMG she's there and I'm so happy i wanna hug her!!!!!!!! <3 now we two perfers were ready ^^
Didn't listen to lecture at all ><; so stressed... thinking of everything i have to do...
Heavenly Father, please help me, please.
Even though I do everything FOR You, I can't do it, or anything WITHOUT You.
I always say in my prayers, that I'm doing my best for my family, world and everyone here, future husband, and God. FIGHTING.
At CY couldn't see cards GOSHDARNSITALL so messed up a lot, and couldn't even hear own playing cuz speaker too low ><; keyboard team cleaned stage after, SO HAPPY MEMBERS REMEMBERED <3
Oh omg today, Ting-Yi onni went to the hospital because her hand is swollen from a spider bite!!!!! O____X; right when she joined, too! =(
*sigh* am i doing things RIGHT?! Tanshimga too fast? loud? playing too bouncy? Bangy? Someone, tell me how to be a better leader!!!! I have no idea waht i'm doing!!!!!!
Kangsanim said that the Japanese people are getting scared of walking the streets, afraid to die. evil spirits influencing people to kill, commit suicide. O_O;
August 3 [Day what? What happened to August 2nd!? Days are getting all mixed up ><;]
Hardest day to get up. Jessica and Rebecca and I lay down on the last unmade sleeping bag and closed eyes fo a few last (savory?) minutes. then the day began. another one...
Holy ground after hdh in small hall, get water with sarah, mako and aika who want to go home and eat chinese food lol ^^
Practice Seongweoneh Eunsa in G, then Vocal leader, Makoto-sshi and Yasutaka-san come and warm up their voices. after, they talked to me in Japanese it was so nice =)
At CY Kuniyuki-san tap my shoulder telling me that volume of keyboard too loud. i thought so too but too scared unsure tomove. the Kangsanim himself was motioning it was too loud!! I hurry and lower but it seemed not to change!! I feel so bad. couldn't wait until i got on. turned volume down, sit and begin to feel better...
THE FAN BLEW TANSHIMGA SHEET MUSIC PAPERS TO THE FLOOR!!! What should I have done!? THANKFULLY LIFESAVINGLY MAKOTO-SAN TURNED THE FAN AROUND OMG. THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOOOUUU MAKOTO-SAN!!!!!!
JSW, stressed if i'm supposed to go to piano for kangsanim. i freak out. jyun-san tell me she'll tell me when, in korean, he ask for pianist. he does. i run up, bowing all over the place, cuz HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE WAITING FOR ME, WHO WAS LATE, BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN.
Daemonim walk in while i play.
i look down, concentrating so hard.
Daemonim malsseum. then fastest CY Start ever, no time to breathe. bow, go, start, BAM Moonkangsanim so fast. God pulling me, helping me do everything. then miraculously, i put at good volume and play it in G, all right.
It's AMAZING what a key change can do. it felt so much more exciting, uplifting... goosebumps... it felt like... i dunno... awakening? amazing. i was really scared though since i had practiced it for like 30 min, ever. sometimes moon-kangsanim skip eye check . it's funny to see everyone's different style in doing main vocals lol XD
Megumi-san come, relieve my stress!! I WAS DONE WITH 2 DAY WORKSHOP!!!! Her style/playing is SO COOL, diff. from mine! she followed sheet music maybe... i didn't... i just transposed it from F ><;
Later, Kayoko-san (former keyboard leader) tell me, "you can do it!" <3
HAIRCUT! FI..NAL.LY!!!! had to sit on anita's lap tho, car full ><; we waited at the hair cut place for three hours and 45 minutes for our haircuts. everyone taht came in and the brothers got to go first. looked at magazines, drank lil bottle of something... at least there was AC. half-slept.
What was funny was when the barber lady finished cutting uh... Colin?-oppa's hair, it was all combed and stuff, and he immediately messed it up with his hands and everyone laughed XD
cut hair finally yeah, somehow got what i wanted across to korean barber... "fringe" and shorter and layer or something yeah, i dunno i pinned it up right away after getting bangs retrimmed before paying 6,000w.
OH! I HEARD TABLO-OPPA'S VOICE ON A KOREAN COMMERCIAL! :D
4th in line for dinner. buy two clips from store to hold up shorter hair ><; my cold is nearly gone, my voice louder!!! Sharon-onni say i'm becoming a better leader too! :D
CY = VOLUME IS SUCH A PROBLEM!!! ARGH@!!!! and omg the drums were MOVING, blocking view to cards, the piano pedal slipping... ><;
August 4
the first thought i had this morning, right when i was capable of thinking after sleep, i thought, 'i can't wait for bed time tonight. just 18 more hours to go.' >______<;
piano solo accompaniment w/o eliot-oppa dongsane norae, everyone sing <3 go tree of blessing first time all weekend, high-five kohwa <3
I CAN CALL MY FAMILY NOW!!! AT LUNCH!!!! X)
At CY, i ask Naomi if keyboard volume too loud, she say maybe a lil. turn around, see yasutaka-san signaling to me, too loud. i go up, vol down, he motion "ok" phew. he's so yasashii~ ^^
また，CYを無事に出来ました！！本当にありがとうございます，神様!!!!!! <3
Piano for song team, MESS UP!! TOO FAST CHORD CHANGE!! >_______< I'M SORRY ELIOT-OPPA, EVERYONE!!! x(((((((
discussion about protection factors against the fall... TINY LIL KID ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS SO CUUUUUTE. can't believe he has more opinion, voice and understanding than me...!!!! XD
Thomas-oppa called me pro-pianist... x3
invited to mana's bday party! talk with harumi, oh! Ting-Yi-onni know Debussy, and at her Chi. university study "apply music" like for CM! XD
Uh, had random thought. I want to play music with my husband...
Abby said that I look like one of the brothers here, like we could be long-lost siblings!! WHOA WHO THE HECK...!!!???? O_o;
Will i cry when the workshop is coming to an end, and i can no longer be on the song team, cy team, and in the workshop in general? and freak out if i haven't figured out hte purpose of my life yet?
lunch with takami from vancouver, who guessed i was 16/17 omg lol! anita guess i was 15!! XXDD
run to phone. kuni is calling home too. so proud to tell daddy i'm leader of keybaord <3 also tell of when dmn came in, music club, dp contest... so hot... THEY'RE PLANNING TO GO CAMPING WHEN I COME BACK, even if school starts cuz now that we all homeschool, we can go whenever XD CAN"T WAIT!!
run to 3rd floor, go up secret (not really xp) stairs with Kinesha. she's so loving and FUNNY!!! <33333333333
Girls meeting, i was late. moving to tears, but didn't want to cry there ><; miranda-onni...!!! nina-onni!!!!!
dp lecture contest pt. 2. Patrick-oppa's was awesome!! Mana's trinity's pictures so cute <3 go to her b-day party, eating lots of snacks... Kinesha run up telling me Makoto-sshi wants to see me, he's waiting for you at the men's bath entrance.
I take off, terrified.
he tell me in japanese that because we're moving to daiseiden, keyboard team has to move piano upstairs. i nod when i understand, but he still ask if i understand.. and i don't know what to say with my heta japanese and i feel bad and yeah...
ARGH. STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.
frantic shower, hurry dinner, only able to find and tell Francois to help, he go, i go. Makoto-sshi and him already moving it up!! Megumi-san winding cords, i bring stand, sweaty. so many ppl here now! kinda mad cuz really don't lke it when so many people here. but not supposed to think like that, GOD'S VIEWPOINT!
Soonae 1st (love her, she's so gooood and dependable!!!!! <3) me 2nd, kaya-sshi debut!!!! she did AWESOME <3
during my part, my mind wandered for ONE second and when i came to, i was playing the wrong part. I WAS SO HORRIFIED. i couldn't smile anymore.
i prayed a lot after. SO, SO sorry Kamisama!!!
Jessica debuted side. so cute and eager!!! Rebecca debuted solo for 2nd half!!!
so many people, it kind of stinks... literally.
at lecture hall after, i BUTCHER Tears in Heaven. upstairs realize my adapter doesn't fit straightener, so my hair will be ugly forever. in CP anyway.
August 5
The thought that pushes me now in the morning when I wake up is just, I WANNA PLAY PIANO FOR SONG TEAM!!
Mountain check! Laundry NOOOO No 500won coin ><; oh yeah everyone is getting on my case for breaking my promise about putting my hair down ahhhgghhhghghh!!! i caaaaaaaan't!
New keyboard member!! Fukuoka Kaori!!! :D But Jyun-san sick!! And resting... Junko-san sick but came!! =\ LOVE soonae for being able to play piano so well!!! i was so tired at CY today, not like usual... at CY usually not too tired... =\
Ran to the store to buy bobby pins, exchange money into coins, run to laundry, jessica took the detergent! aahg!! wil buy it at lunch =\
@ JSW, I prayed about how I didn't realize how bad my Japanese was until I came here. I'm heta. This is making me feel the decision to become an interpreter approaching.
Hurry to lectureroom right as Wonderwall is stating!! AW!!!!!!! Link arms with Kohwa, Kinesha instead of playing piano =\ Wonderful feeling, singing that on stage with them... <3
Sharon and Patrick's lectures were cut off so they had a chance to finish now! I held SHaron's poster again =) They should really win =)
13 more days. Ato wa 13 nichi dake. 13 il mani isseo.
All of a sudden, when i was improvising on piano during break with some "If I Were Free" chords before we were going to sing it, Jeremy-oppa JUMPS UP and comes, and says "WHAT SONG IS THAT!?"
O_o; Um um... uhhh I was just fooling around.. but I said that it aws "If I were free" I dunno, i used those chords... but kinda infused yiruma or something into it O_O I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY HE BURST OUT LIKE THAT.
When I Think aboiut it, history seems so fun/exciting/niii~ce to read about. But when I do, in school, it's dead boring >n<; aw.
P.S. my Ilshim ring is black with scratches from bows O_o;
Oh so Abby showed me who looked like me. Rebecca agrees. "Long lost brother." I... kinda... wish it wasn't so~! >n<;
sophie, after she say hi and I reply when sweating, hobbling up rock stairs to lecture room, she say my smile is so nice and I'm like thank you but HAAAHH???? Whaa!!??? is she looking at meee...!!??
I don't want to suck on anymore throat candy, but I'm falling asleep. Daydreaming about Christmas. With my family. At home. I miss the cold, having to wear warm, soft sweaters <3 Miss most:
1) family.
2) sleep.
3) having no stress
4) playing acoustic piano.
I am realy, really not listening to Dr. Sanchez's lecture.
So many people at lunch, many youngsters. lunch duties! do laundry finally with detergent, then I called my brother Justin for the chords to Tears in Heaven so i wouldn't butcher it again and I can play it better for Eliot-oppa. when I go home, Justin and I together will be the bestest elder siblings!
Mama told me to relax, not do every single CY session.
Kenmei got to play piano for "Sailing With Our Father." I wanted to play =\
I love how Daddy always sounds so excited when I call home XD always he answers almost.
D: Hi, this is Cyril.
Me: Hi Daddy~!
D: Heeeeeeeeey Jenny! Wow, we get TWO calls in two days!!
^ like that XD <3
Oh yeah At lunch, Mr. Sanchez, Luke and Patrick sat with me... lol... They just talk DP. I eat, go for duty. Dr. S say I always smile during piano, At CY... I see him watching a lot, looking up at us on stage lol ^^
Definitely, 200%, DP lectures are the hardest things to not fall asleep during. So. Boring. I mean, I can't soak it in so raw... I miss One Heart Camp explanations like Kwanchai, Deanne, Dave's ways of simplifying and applying it to daily life so I don't even know it's DP.
I wanna sleep so bad.
Who sould I pick for tonight's CY? Diana and William are Mr. Sanchez's children!
I really, really SLPET at break. Head on arms on desk. Abby massages me, wake up and my forehead red. AAGHHH song team singing already!!! "As the deer"!! AW I MISSED PIANO ALL AFTERNOON NOW!!!!! For 2nd song, Eliot-oppa say i can play piano but i turned down because take too long to turn on, and go to "Stero keys" AW >n<;
Seriously, girls lack spirit in singing. Guys so good (like being on their wide with piano because their voices loud and spirited). Real "brotherhood." arms across shoulders, swinging, or stomping, clapping...
Looking forward to (HOME:+:Furusato~~~*singing*) Music Festival (of course) and MOVIE!!! And dancing Chanyang!!! And sleep. I can't believe I really slept, for like 20 minutes! XD well, so tired...
Mama said Mrs. Tamura was leaving for CP on Thursday, if I need anything can ask her to bring it ^^ I wanted something frmo home, but I forgot.
A patriot is a person willing to give their life for their nation.
Last night I asked God/ancestors/spirits to wake me up @ 4am. Then I realize my straightener won't work here with my adapter, and I forgot to tell then it's ok not to wake me up anymore, so they woke me up at 4am really really lol!!! XD
I'm feeling like... wow I've met so many people from so many countries/states! There's a BIG, real possibility I might meet some of them... Kinesha, Eliot, Lisa, Yeonhi, even PAtrick, Miranda, Insun, Soonae, Naomi... I hope I do!!!! Kinda wishing me and mama can go to Wales for Grandma for a while this year. I will LOVE to be cold for a change. PRolly not when there, tho xp. That's not probable, but... 1% chance. If so I want to give my heart in helping care for her, and also meeting British (LIKE ME) BCs <3
I really do...
Randomly... Diana Sanchez is drop-dead gorgeous. So jealosu!
Heavenly Father,
Here in CP, everyday I feel more strongly, "I can be matched and Blessed to anyone." Like... nationality, looks don't matter, just the inside. I can accept anyone.
It's just a problem of... I don't know if I can accept a handicapped person... and THAT'S where I'm flawed still!! and not ready!!! Definitely not for TP's matching =(
While I was picking up garbage from the floor Rebecca pushed in the chair and it smashed my temple. ow. it really, really hurt my eyes watered but i pretended nothing happened and it was good ^^ Kohwa gave me candy ^^ she thought I Was 15, full AMERICAN >n<; goshdarnsitall!!!
I change, put laundry to dryer, pray at JSW for 30 min crying like HECK. So. Sorry to God for everything until now. Dinner alone. Korean veggie stew thing. and korokke <3 brush teeth...
Um... Francesco-oppa...?
------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL YOU should NOT JUDGE ANYONE!!!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.
I got a break from CY, made SOonae do so much instead I'M SO SORRY!! >n<; I saw in middle of hundreds of Japanese girls ^^ Did my bset-best actually!! Not sleepy! Cold almost gone, so i can sing up to "a." feels like... nice cuz everyone around me still new at CY, but I know exactly when we're changing what body part to hit ^^ My partner was Lisa-chan, 10th grade ^^
The laundry in CP doesn't work. I wear "clean" clothes but in reality, they're stinky and dirty, not a good bright white.
We butchered Generation of Righteousness XD clapping mostly, guys singing random notes lololololllllzzz XP
Sophie and Soonae SOK ING & WONDERFUL!! <3 <3 <3 Let me use straightener AND adapter with such grace, elegance & love <3 I will try to do @ 4am!
August 6
Didn't wake up at 4am. Tho I asked very hard, TP, God, absolutely good spirit world and ancestors to. MAybe cuz it's a selfish reason =\
I only went to Water of Life, then came back and straightened my hair. Mrs. Sanchez came into the bathroom and saw me *gulp* feel so guilty, horrified. at first, the straightener sooo hot it made my hair like straw omg soonae's is sooooo strong and BURNS me!!!! the HAIR BURNS ME!! O_____O; but then... it... worked! and my bangs... i could put them down...!!!!
All morning sisters commented, and didn't recognize me, and i felt really cool <3 finally a little self-esteem...? xp
Two nights ago, Jessica saw, in darkness, Saika go out the window to the thing outside like a porch kinda and she freaked out!! Cried next night (last night) afraid to sleep, but everything cleared. She thought it had been a spirit. She's ok now <3
Cy do best. Can tell ppl looking, not recognizing @ 1st X3 I tried to smile for my whole 30 minutes on stage... for encouragement to the main vocal, cards, everyone... put heart into tanshimga... Makoto-sshi says Kangsanim said for CY team to put more JYOUNETSU ~ PASSION into everything. So... I tr. Ending is really fun ^^
I'm so proud to bow with the Chanyang team, always. Am I worthy...?
Then lecture/group discussion. Suck my life out >n<; sleep really again at break. Miranda give me fullest back massage I ever had, while Rebecca played with my hair.
Felt. So. Good XP
Eliot-oppa always playing Hey There Delilah, She Will Be Loved, and some brothers are always asking to sing "How to Save a Life" lol... wish I knew more songs everyone knew so i could play for them.
goshdarnsitall my hair is curling from sweat, touch, and just... time passing.
At song team singing (By the Spring of Life) Patrick-oppa asked my age and country (he knew).
Randomly today, out of nowhere, I felt like: I want to give my husband head and back and hand and feet massages.
Had to rush through lunch, go clean. Packing up chairs and desks groups 5 - 7 of sisters and brothers had to carry chair up 6 flights (or is that called 3 flights?). Duuuuuude Yen Chuan-oppa did 4 chairs at once!!!! Rebecca did 2, I did 3. It wasn't as bad as I expected. And omg! Luke said my name in encouragement, and Patrick-oppa on the way down, said "Jenny I'll take those for you..." but I said no it's okay ^^ it's like everyone's talking nice to me...!!! (since I put my bangs down... LOL coincidence xp).
So sweaty, had to pin up bangs cuz they were wavy and nasty.
Go on bus/car to Cheong-A camp, do drums of the three traditional Korean experiences.
Uh, it was the best ever.
Not exactly because of the drums... it was really fun playing the "book" but the teacher. BUTTER TEACHER!!!!! *saranghaeyo~~~* OMG SO FUNNY, CUTE, and JUST COMPLETELY FRIENDLY *HUGE HEART* SO SWEET *HUGE HEART* DUNNO WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!!! <3 WILL NEVER FORGET HIS KINDNESS. I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, SO FUNNY, OPEN-HEARTED, CUTE... <3
Come back, we buy ice cream cuz it's SO HOT AND SUNNY today. like animals at the ice cream boxes LOL. Ate with Yukimi and Valerie...~ Shower, wait 30 minutes in hueg line of Japanese brothers, worried about CY practice. But it was okay =)
OMG OMG!!! JESSICA AND REBECCA DID CARDS TOGETHER SOOOOO CUTE!!!!! <33333 after song team got chocopies~
Now we're in Room B of 3rd floor for lectures.
No. Piano.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For the first time I was in the front udring closing at JSW. IT felt much much better, we were practically yelling the pledge, singing our hearts out.
Soobin-onni is BACK, from JAPAN!!!! :D
August 7
Weird, all chairs and GUYS on 3rd floor xp True PArents speech today! 11 DAYS LEFT!!! Getting so serious about interpretation as a career.
Only went to Water of Life. I'm so lazy. Breakfast alone. Go big hall. Other brothers not from CY team came later so I couldn't pracice piano =\
Slept against a pillar, then lost my breakfast. Will be hungry soon, not even 8am =((((((( wearing dress clothes x(
9:40am during Hyun Jin Nim's speech
Grace gives good "squeeze" Massages! and Abby gives tickly ones xp
I really really, really admire the Eng-Kor interpreter. I can't imagine what it feels like for him. Stressful... but really good? Cuz he has the ability. I don't yet, I can't even begin to imagine. But I think... I want to... become an interpreter.
11:15am
Still going on. I'm dying. Gotten like ten massages from people around me. Falling asleep during True Father's event. Can't help it. No AC, hungry, TIRED, uncomfortable, sitting for 4 hours, talking about the darned helicopter for 3 1/2 of those hours. I would be sleeping riht now if Abby not sitting next to me. bad/good thing. we're going boating today.
I just wanna go home.
Later
Dude we sat for five hours. Even if it WAS TP, I'm too tired.
Lunch. I felt odd. I sit, prayer interrupted. Someone tell me this table is already taken. So embarrassed, I leave, about to cry. I just had to, had to make eye contact and pass right by afjs;odrhi Go all the way to the other sidde of the whole cafeteria, sit alone. Don't even know why! But want to just burst into tears that are roaring to get out.
"Let it be, let it be..."
Kayoko-san appears, Got-sent. Talks to me. Says I'm really working hard as a leader, that God is a genius. I had no intention of becoming leader but it's God's gift to me. And also she was talking with a friend, when she pointed me out and her friend said that I was beautiful because of my skin... and that i'm always modest.
She cheered me up a lot.
God cheered me up through her, I know it.
Rush 3rd floor, change to SFP blue shirt, wait Tree of Love, bus to boat dock.
So yes. Boating was awesome. The dancing teacher!! X3 Helmets, ctoch-life-jackets, Pedals, groups of 12. Splashing fights on the boats (beaten up by brothers), splashed by a motorboat (where Jesica was). Race, standing together, standing on boat RIM together singing Twinkle twinklg (WE WON XD) and situps with head in the water. Also one at a time everyone in the boat jump in the water, be rescued XP then all jump in, drag boat back to dock. So. Tiring. Then get back in boat, exhausted.
OH!!! After I jumped in the water and they pulled me up, Miranda was pulled up after and dropped on me and Ryuichi-san (in our boat, like our leaer lol X3) yelled "WE'VE LOST ONE!" LOL HE'S SO FUNNY!!!! Like Kwanchai-oppa mankeum funny!!!!!
Then we jump/flip/dive into the water from the dock to swim for fun!! Kenmei did a backflip duuuudee..!!! our group 9 held hands and had to splutter up to the surface lol XD
After, walked back to Cheongpyeong. Didn't dry in the heat, amazing O__O; I heard Dae Hi talking about the one Korean girl in our group during drumming yesterday, and how she must've been understanding everything he interpreted but why the heck didn't she be interpreter instead? =( I thought he did a good job, tho I can only understand a lil Korean =\
No shower, go JSW, Megumi-san too. 2 day workshop people are here. I'm doing 1.5 hours of perf tomorros. She say Moon Kangsanim came to her after last weekend, say Jyun-sshi mess up, maybe not good... O________<;
Dinner alnoe but POP Valerie come sit with me. She say "it's so hard to find ppl we know..." SO TRUE.
Hurry CY, in main hall cuz wanna practice in G key, Megumi-san style XD Talk with Soobin, who is back from 2 weeks in Japan and joined CY team again!! after her practice and Francois, who is ready for debut anytime, I practice. Francesco-oppa asked me if I knew Japanese, if I could translate for the drummer, but I say I can't, because... drum terms I dunno, maybe I can't do well!??
AARGGHH I HAAAAAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PPL BY TRANSLATING THO I AM GOSHDARNSITALL HALF JAPANESE, AND SHOULD BE FLUENT!!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING FLUENT IN JAPANESE, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRANSLATE FOR OTHERS, I HATE HAVING TO HAVE TRANSLATORS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHERS. I HATE SUCKING AT JAPANESE!!!!!!
Ting-Yi-onni, DEBUT!!!!!!
Yasutaka-san's smile is soooo encouraging and sweet!!!! aw!!!! very warm. with him as main vocal, we had the happiest Chanyang session EVER.
Upstairs in our lecture building, waited... Eliot-oppa call song team. OH YEAH yesterday morning, I was the ONLY GIRL during Chanyang. I had no one do my okkae. Kinda embarrassing next to row of guys... So now again, the only girl for song team. i stand there. Eliot-oppa see, laugh, say "need piano..." LOL YES I MISS IT <3
I'm so sad I didn't buy the Cheon Jeong Goong pic =(
Olivia twisted her ankle on the stone steps!? Soobin cried for three hours after her mess up two weeks ago!!?? O___O AAAWWWW!!!!!!!
After JSW closing (next to Kaya-san) Makoto-san call me over. I saw him from corner of eye,k kinda wondering if he would talk to me. He ask if I'm ready for "happyo" of 5 cy sessions tomorow, and YUPS i am! but i'm worried about time running out for Francois to debut!!! Well... he say goodnight...~ ^^
Finally, finally, I can slee-- *dead*
August 8 TEN DAYS LEFT!! X) 미친 날
Every morning, I wake up Reb & Jes and At night, they get my sleeping bags and wave me a spot with them =3
I wanna remember our CP schedule, so I'll write it down:
4:30am - wake up
4:50 - song team <3
5 - bow, pledge in korean, bow, peace messages, pray
5:30-ish - Exercises with (first August, then) Patrick
5:40-ish - Korean class with Jeremy-oppa
5:50-ish - Announcements, cleaning duties
6:15 - 7:40 Holy Ground, change, breakfast
7:40 - Chanyang practice
｢明るく，元気で喜んで感謝してシンナゲのせいしんで。。。 やりましょう。。。？ ではファイチングします。」
8:15 - Chanyang for (70 min.)
9:45 - Jeongshimweon prayer
10:10 - Song team <3
10:20 - DP lecture or reading
11:10 break, song team <3
11:30 continue reading/dp
12:30 - lunch, self reflection
2 - song team
2:10 - dp lecture or sometimes Cheong-A camp, boating, Cheongjeong Goong...
Chanyang practice this morning was odd. Forgot to put on balck socks, forgot to put on pin until almost starting time. And during practice, OUT OF NOWHERE, we ALL just stopped playing. Drums stopped, vocals stopped, I stopped. WTHECK!!? O___O; freaky. EVeryone was just like... what!? Why?! Alda tell me to start again so i do >n<; messed up 1st intro yeah...
So tired but smiled for everyone, Jessica at cards and Naomi D at vocals =) then it was the brother that doesn't give me full eye checks, awkwaaaard.
Hurry JSW, back run w/o bathroom >n<; nervously NOT play for DMN entering the room. Sit with JEssica whole time listening to NOTHING, as in no English translation. Sleep, sweat. Megumi-san come! Find English translation later but Jessica (Spanis) said it was for something else LOL I dunno!! I WAS HALF SLEEPING WHOLE TIME, didn't notice was listening to wrong translation XP
then BAM BAM BAM Chanyang, special Ancestor liberation for Japanese leaders in G. Did ok... something wrong with volume. Never loud enough anymore. Scared whole time. Jessica and I exchanged nervous smiles, son ervous. She went solo!! Then Megumi-san took over for me =) So tired.
I ate lunch FIRST of ALL Int. BCs because I skipped whatever they did while I did the Chanyang for Japanese leaders only... so I had WATERMELON OMG so cool, sweet. then go call Daddy. Mainly he say ask others to take over if i need a break, if too stressful. "Don't break your leg." I can't wait to go home and go camping!! And SLEEP. I wanna go HOME.
I buy cookies for the party, and new pin cuz my pants the symbols is wearing off and it's necessary.
@ breakfast, Rebecca say (over mochi) that I'm just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Not good to be either. Why do you wanna lose wieght? I was happy, but still... need to be skinnier.
We were on 3rd floor later, someone had ipod on speakers listening to The Used, Evanescence... then there was a scene with a troubled Japanese girl, running away from Ryuichi-san O__o;
Japanese is beautiful.
私本当に本当につやくしゃになるかなあ｡｡｡ 日本語｡｡｡ realizing...
2:45pm Mrs. Sanchez - TF life dongan
I was looking forward so badly for What Dreams May Come but it seems like we'll prolly watch something else. Oddly, I didn't feel bad. Like, I accpet things easily now, things I can't change. Or maybe I'm just too tired to care >n<;
I dunno, when guys speak Japanese and Korean, it's beautiful.
3:40 after break
Got Miranda and Soonae's addresses! <3 I HOPE TO SEE THEM IN ENGLAND SOMEDAY!!!! <3
At home, at One Heart Camp and Winter Workship in California, I'm so afraid to just MOVE, but here I'm SO. FREE. It feels so good. Wooting, singing loud with song team, responsibility of being on time up to me, talking to everyone. Sleeping on the floor, sharing snacks. It feels so good.
Was that just an earthquake right now? Or ppl downstairs bouncing? O__o;
I have to make more effort to enunciate and not have slurry accent in Japanese. Have to talk to mama in Japanese ONLY best training along with study.
Best session, out of DP lectures and DP reading etc is definitely True Father's life!!!!
6:15pm in the big hall
Dnner line hadn't been so bad. The AC that hits you after a shower is just glorious.
Kayoko-san finds me every meal time!! She's gonna work here for a year, office work! OMG. So she wants my email address yay <3 her fav food is some kind of jelly and soba <3 i help her practice her english pronunciation, this one sentence for Ryuichi-san?
Slept on random floor space at sister side of big hall for 30 minutes. REALLY SLEPT. or maybe half. too tired. sit. during dongsaneh norae, winna find me, tell me i have to come sit with cy team.
I completely forgot.
And completely nearly crash into someone, dansei. Both like, uh, uh, not going. no eye contact. i go lol.
I can't believe there are two whole lectures, a 60 min. CY that I'm doing 2nd for, and JSW. so many people. can i survive? we're watching the TP helicopter video. AGAIN. Seriously, i am tired, and tired of this helicopter deal.
Um... yeah. CY was crazy.
first, after half sleeping whole first lecture, all of a sudden CY team has to jump up and get ready. drum team keyboard team, me and soonae prepare. then fast bow, GO! STRESSFUL. Brothers and sisters squished. Makoto-san ask me, "can you hear piano?" i say kinda, but no not really. so i go up, put the volume up. it's already higher than normal, soonae had put it perfect!!!! and it was blasting in her face!!! Why...
Later Makoto-san tell again... I say "ookii spiikaa kara detenai to omoimasu..." and he like ahh... i don't know what to do.
Me 2nd. Put volume louder. lil speaker sound like struggling. i go on, feels normal. Yen Chuan-oppa doesn't smile much anymore.
Then the vocals changed. Christelle, Makoto-san, Takayuki-san. And all craziness breaks loose.
They couldn't hear my piano playing, Christelle mainly, cuz far away. so she sang off key, but it wasn't her fault!! MAkoto-san eye on me, motion about volume. so lifting left hand, do just melody while raising volume. Lil speaker making clicking, vibrating noises. i'm thinking, if any louder, it'll explode. but they can't hear, NO ONE!! Singing off key, mics screeching O______O!!!! i make weird faces to makoto-san and Yen Chuan-oppa. like... what am i supposed to do...!!?
Winna catches my eye, and we start laughing. while i'm playing piano. then i suffer through the rest of the session.
Tanshimga i put as loud as i dared. maybe that's why it seems like people don't sing well with my playing. they can't hear me ever.
something vibrating loudly by me. it's so loud, yet so quiet. i do my best, cringing, probably. @ ending too, as loud as i dared, afraid to make the speaker explode. i'm probably the worst keyboard leader ever to come to CP. strangely i'm calm. a lil frustrated, but not in tears (yet).
Afterwards, drummer immediately tell me he couldn't hear anything. Soonae come help me turn off, cover. talk fast, like what's happening!!? Christelle, Alda come, talk to them... all CY members talking like never b4. So embarrassed...
It's all my fault.
Go JSW. on the way, aika, other lil girls ask me where to go we watch lightning striking the purple sky in the distance <3
I pray, apologize.
Abby find me. She had spiritual experienve during ansu. she want to sing the righ tlyrics. sang so loud, seh said. feel emotional. when get back to big hall for 2nd lecture, she CRY!!! she sleeping on my back now. Aw...
B4 lecture, alughing with winna about what happened. feels good to think light about it. also b4, check for Megumi-san right after CY but not there!!!! NOOOOOOOOO------!!!! Also tralk, explain to KAya-san... she comfort me, it's not my fault.
모두 내 탓이야. ぜんぶ私のせいで｡｡｡
I wish i was crying now. Dousurebaiino!!?
I. am. so. sorry.
After JSW, where I COULDN'T cry, this kid nearly crashes into me. I dodge in an odd position. getting angry at the whole darn day. i run away. hurry to 3rd floor. no more journal to write, so just flop into bed. muscles ache from swimming 2 days ago. just frustated with the whole day.
when almost sleeping, Sharon woke me up.
"Jenny, I am sorry to wake you, but we have been chosen to play for Hyun Jin Nim."
Or was it Heung Jin Nim?
WTHE--------------------------CK!!!!! Our "One Family Under God" was chosen by Moon-kangsanim!!! OMG. just. omg.
August 9 (Saturday)
Tired. worried. last time, i pretty nmuch butchered the ending, so this time, i've got to figure something out!!! prolly will skip holy ground again. gulp. wanna call parents, yes b4 breakfast!!!! i've memorized my phonecard x)
Called home instead of holy ground. mama said she's been praying for her ancestor to talk to my ancestor so i can sleep better and all through the night lol XD not working. last night, i woke up and half asleep, i rolled up one of my sleeping bags thinking it was time to wake up because i HEARD PEOPLE TALKING and it was almost Chanyang practice. but it wasn't. o_O;
I'm so worried. How am I supposed to deal with the speakers!!!?? Go with KAya-san to Korean office and one guy say that at 8am they'll send someone to fix it.
The guy came, but I don't think it's coming through the big speakers. semeed a little louder, but...
JSW. I hate being touched all over the place cuz it's too crowded. too, too, too, too crowded. squished. rushing, pushing, uncomfortable, frustrating... argh. then stressful, cuz still twice need to play.
Sleep in big hall with head on bag until kangsanim go on stage. i freak out, knowing piano not on. go up. he motion to piano like, "you're keyboardist?" i nod, go. wait. then play way too loud. to me anyway. is it coming out of the big speakers!? I used all my (nonexistant_) skill to play. this KEYBOARD. I MISS ACOUSTIC!! quietly, face stiff with worry. Damonim come in. i don't kno wwhen to go down, curtain blocking my way, so after prayer, dmn go to podium, i dash out the back way. dive in front of Isun-onni.
I listened to DMN's words very very badly. because i'm writing this thing, my journal. i'm so tired. this has been the hardest (32 so far) days of my life. i hope it's worth it.
i'll know if, from now on, i live as a true filial daughter to God and my parents, unable to sin.
DMN's talking. Hey JENNY-A! Don't give Satan any chance to accuse you!!!! All your arrogance, selfishness, fallen nature = NOT YOU. Inherited, influenced by media... it's not you. don't let it get to you. You're God's true daughter. ACT LIKE ONE.
"Absolutely, b4 blessing, don't have any difficult problems with opposite sex!! No look, no touch, no eat!!!!!! No alcohol, drugs, no party with drinks, NO!!!! Totally lock your buttons. why have to show to anyone else? it's just for your beloved spouse. can give birth to beautiful 3rd generation, true family."
It's our responsibility to change this world. 1st, 2nd, 3rd gen become united so we can bring KOHOE!!!
Shoa! Only stomach chanyang!
Grace-onni wants to stay in CP longer! likes being with us <3
So... ancestor liberation ceremony was only stomach and paksu. it was hard. no smiles, concentrate, try loudest, passionate... megumi-san plays so well...!!! sounds SO KAKKOI!! XD jealosu~ we have piano wiping towel now, finally. i wipe the keyboard a LOT, telling it thank you <3 Makoto-san was SOOOOO FUNNYYYY during Hallelujah LOLOL XD cuz we have to hold up our arms a lot and it's so tiring and painful, he like... waves quickly and then lets his arms hang down to the point he doesn't have to use energy to keep it up... you know...? aaaghh to hard to explain.
lunch --> that odd but yummy fruit salad. the Japanese BCs do chants b4 meals, like a CY beginning and then like. "Champoomonim jal meokgesseumnida...!!" so LOL Eliot-oppa made one too, like "rubadubdub please...?? America!" XP
Francisco-oppa really writing/studying something hard after lunch; go store; Yeonhi ask to debut...
PRACTIVE VIOLIN <3 Ting-yi-onni's lil brother is a violin pro OMG!! But he left already... wow... that's awesome XD I'm worried for our violin... it's like rotting in the heat O_o; then i lpay guitar for usic club since we dont' have a keyboard anymore. eat lots of junk food at the party for leaving ppl xp HATE being fat but eating so much, AND not going to mountain. NOT GOOD. cookies, rock choco, mccol, crackers... then pictures, writing emails etc. 9 more days. can't wait tho feel so incldued here... miss home tho.
I just realized I might feel more included, needed and loved here than at home because I actually contribute to the greater whole. by playing piano. at home i'm a nobody.
Chanyang members on stage are supposed to get energy from cards, i learned. i wonder...
@ 5pm we had western pic with dmn SO HOT BLINDING OMG. Dude, Kuni so unrecognizable!!
Talk a lot with Sawa (Texas!) and Hiromi and Erika, Yukimi, Jinae, yups <3 we're happy to be going home soon. some aren't...
now all i can think about is going camping with family when i g home and singing coutnry roads together x)
Sleep before Chanyang at the side. Kaya-san seem worry about me =\ FRANCOIS WAS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT BUT HE WENT TO HYUNGJIN NIM'S SERVICE OMG!!!!! NOOO!!! So switched to Soonae and me.
The big speakers worked. THANK YOU.
IT's a lil scary when Winna does cards cuz I always laugh. WAIT OMG WAIITTT!!!
THEY JUST ANNOUNCD THAT TRUE PARENTS IS COMING, GO MEET THEM OUTSIDE.
Screaming, running, crowds fly out. me running with winna, soonae, SO EXCITING OMG. i'm screaming LOL we line up alnog road, like a red carpet appearance XD WISH BROUGHT CAMERA GOSHDARNSITALL IT"S IN MY BAG!!!
The sky was beautiful today. like the beautiful asian feel of movies. bright sunlight, pure white clouds against a crisp blue sky. super hot, cicadas. then 7:30-ish beautiful pink, red... beautiful sweaty hot.
True Father comes. Was TM there?! No, DMN... run after the black car lol, feel so LIGHT AND FREE. i hardly run here cuz always saving energy, but when i DO, i can just tell i lost weight because i can run SO FAST and effortlessly OMG! IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!
After TF left, Soonam said I actually look HAPPY NOW!!! XD
it had been so exciting, but my explanation quick becauase so tired!! we went back for Chanyang. Victoria had cried from seeing TF!! I wasn't crying but I was more energized for an awesome chanyang session XD Winna took Yen Chuan-oppa's fan so then he fanned everyone lol, me rebecca, makoto-san... XD LOL i feel so happy now after TF...
Do good CY. Soonae so good at doing first part !!! <333 i did 2nd winna made me alugh a lot. supposed to be serious inside and passionate to help everyone lol... i mess up almost.. it was the sweatiest chanyang ever...!!
Lightning without rain again... ^^ super cool~ talk with sawa, motoyo, kiyoka, rebecca, cherisa about stuff <3 meet in beloved chinhwagwan 1B like old days. award winners of DP contest. Seiya's group YES DEFINITELY! And Patrick-oppa too!!! PERFECT!!! MAna and SHARON too!!! Then certificates of graduates... omg many people are leaving in the next threee days!!!
i'm selfishly daydreaming about going to wales/uk. noo!! xnx JSW was sweaty. go to bed.
august 10 (Sunday, but feels weird =\)
Slept through the whole night YES!!! <3 Thank you mama's ancestor x) but so tired, slept longest ever, as in waited till last minute to get up.
we brought chairs down from 3rd floor. by the time i was donw with NOT GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN NOR WATER, the last chair had been taken and i felt so bad especiall for Patrick-oppa who must've gone up a couple times, once came down with FOUR >n<;
I'm so lazy.
Eliot-oppa singing Jesse McCartney.
I always half-sleep before chanyang now. too worried to fully sleep though. FRANCOIS DEBUT & RASUTO!!!! HE DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!! OMG WHOOOOOOTT!! Soobin 2nd!!!! Jyun-san come to k-office with me cuz speaker WASN'T WORKING, but it did...?
it's depressing to be with 14 day participants cuz they don't sing, but half-sleep and clap weakly. and slow at changing body parts... but i have to love whem with the Heart of God... ^^;
took lots of pics after aw.... i took them, wasn't IN them. SO SAD X( high five Francois! do laundry.
guess what. we have no elextricity now until 5pm. but why do the fans work? wth!? Saw Mrs. Tomorrow yesterday and today!!! so COOL to see someone i recognize, from the same city in the world!!!! XD
Today. was. hot. like. crazy.
Music club practice. Heavenly Father, please help me figure out the outro chords...!! time runing out >_0 play piano with sophie, soonae. she know the most popular british song, with french title!!! :D teach Motoyo a little...
Then. Dun DUN DUN. we switched everything with brothers, like sleeping spots. aired sleepings bags, packed, moved everything to 3B OMG, clean upstairs, move desks up. i was unnaturally energized, despite extreme heat and the task ahead. i was guilty/grateful actually because the brothers were the suffering ones. i think ZERO sisters brought up a desk, except for Sarah, Cherisa, Mako and I together one desk lol XD
Yeonhi ~~> debut <3
met Haruka-onni!!! What's she doing here!!? XD she was like... "Becky-chan~~~~!!!" <3 XD ahhhhh I missed her!!
Chanyang team got treats from British and Spanish (Alda, Colin...) members who left today!!
Later I told Eliot-oppa about getting "tears in heaven" chords but chickened out in playing it next song team time... ><; did two other songs... and OMG LOL. I was trying to play alnog and figure out this sequence of chords that he ALWAyS ALWAYS plays, it's to "iris" by goo goo dolls i THOUGHT i recognized it... so i was trying to play along and then suddenly Jeremy-oppa and a blong brother heard.
"WHOA!!!" then something like... "it totally sounded like you two were just playing the same song!!" then eliot-oppa says
"Do you know Iris!?"
I nodded *sweatdrop* then asked what chords i'm using, and walk away, playing lol... ^^;
This is what I mean by when we do "song team."
1) Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" and everyone takes forever to get started.
2) Choose songs
3) Eliot-oppa come show me book
4) sing and play two songs usually. someitmes one or three
5) clap, bow, leave stage~
I <3 playing for everyone.
Said goodbye to Francois after more certificate giving. he say i'm a good leader zw. he leaving tomorrow at 4:30am o_<;
Tomorrow again i'll skip mountain. but i'm dreaming hoping to play songs like "maybe" tomorrow morning (cuz we sleep here now!) for everyone, so brought UP sheet music ^^ it's already dark now (using my lil light to write this ) so goodnight... <3
Coughed all night 밤새도록~ Bad sleep. Cold air caused coughing, slept late, 4:45 ><; Francois new brother in leading the bows, korean pledge. For the 2nd time, I skip Holy Ground, this time to help Victoria and Rebecca do our DP lecture poster. All I do is two yin/yang symbols and eat Rebecca's cream puffs.
CY practice,
"Sebonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUT!!!!"
Yesssssssssssss x3 nervous. Keyboard leader's RASUTOOO!!! I learned how to turn on the piano. Francois practicing hard.
Honestly, I felt a lil tired cuz I COULDN'T SEE THE CARDS. I think it was Denise-sshi... could see only when she stood up. I PLAYED TANSHIMGA TOO FAST!!!!! But I'm thankful to God that I didn't make any major mistakes... and the whole thing/session was really fun, especially the end, banging the chords XD
Just 17 more days, 17 more long days... I'm close, close to realizing what my purpose of life is... leaning to translating from frustration of not being able to understand Kayoko-sshi, Makoto-sshi, Jessica and Rebecca speaking Cantonese/Mandarin with Sharon, Grace, newcomers Motoyo, Rebecca... an djust anyone here. Hearin the languages I love, unable to understand... I hate it to the point where I'll dedicate my life to understanding, and helping others understand and feel others' words with their hearts.
Wow, I'm strengthening these thoughts and still undecided heart just by writing this down XD
After CY, talked to Megumi-san with Kayoko-san at the Japanese office about me becoming leader. Still, I'm shocked at them picking me, me of all people!!!
Soonam-oppa called me, "dependable" or was it "reliable"? ^^;
OK, playing for the song team is beyond awesome <3>n<; I love being on song team though... <3 A TEAM. Chanyang too. A team. A group. Together, with a purpose, bonds, devotion, hard work, for others. 사랑해요, 이 기분이 <3
Aw Jessica gave me Korean rock chocolate...! ^^;
Lunch with Kinesha, Heejin (who finished the workshop but came back to visit ^^) then go to Japanese office again but Megumi-san not there, so go to store and buy lil-keyboard-leader-notepad.
Finished lecture poster (1:30 - 4pm) well, Victoria did. She skipped meals to finish the beautiful artwork and invested 100% into it! I invested 5% of myself. Rebecca, maybe 90%. I'm so bad. We practiced our lecture, skit. Pretty confident. Just that I have speaking to do, and my voice is like gone. Garble.
Down to cafeteria, nothing to do. Talk. Sleep with head on table. Then... something wrong.
MOTOYO IS CRYING. Where's her trinity? Who's in it? Because she feels like no one needs her advice and what she has to offer!! =\ She's crying so hard...
If I'M struggling with this schedule, what about HER and everyone younger than me?! And look how much heart and effort she puts into her time here... I should be stronger than this...
Sisters comfort her until she can stop crying... I think her trinity comes back from somewhere...
I still can't believe I will be キーボードー長｡
I can't wait to tell my parents!! I haven't called then for a long while. no time, not really feel like i have anything to say. i won't call until i've become an acceptable piano leader. i'm sure jyun-sshi will be more leader-like than me... demo ganbarimasu!!
I'm so jealous of Haruka, Jyun-sshi, Erika, Korean kangsanims... they're all tri-lingual!!!!! What I need to work so hard to become, they are naturally!!! Or are they... did they study, or grow up learning? =\
Later
My clothes are getting moldy! I left them, wet, in a bag for three days and now... there are black spots and they're stinking up teh whole hallway omg ><; what should i do!!!?? at times like these, i just wanna cry, "Mama-----!!"
After dinner, hurry to Jp office, but Megumi-san not there again! AH!! I need to talk to her!! So nervous about being new leader... I Think I really am becoming it...
At CY practice, Soonae ecstatic for me. I'm just scared. Meeting go... then.. Jyun...-shi? pull me to front where I gargle out "keyboard, jeokbonjjae Yuuka-sshi" but no one hear anything i say!! xnx; jyun-sshi help me whole time, smiling, thumbs up <3 then akoto-sshi announce i'm new leader and everyone clap... i bet they might've been thinking, "SHE'S the new leader!? Wtheck...!?"
Then I'm completely lost. What the heck do i do next?
Haruka comes up to me, claps my shoulder.
｢ベッキちゃん，がんばって｡｣
<3
On stage for practice, Yeonhi tell me to tell everyone *two fingers, then roll hands like drum "faster" sign* lol... we have one new member! Tho we're losing three. I did dubonjjae. Ara was first, solo debut (I could finally SEE the cards) then Yen Chuan-oppa. before, he massaged his face for a long time in preparation to smile for 30 minutes lolollll ^^;
OMG the main vocal dude (debut, from our workshop) never gave me one FULL eye contact! Then he just went to turning his head at me without any eye contact at all!! I felt annoyed but tried to keep a sincere heart...
After, hurry around... Kayokosan tell me about covering piano, then find Kohwa to translate x) so jealous!! but yeah, I'm pretty scared right now. Too many important things to remember. Have to find MEgumi-san and write everything down!!!
Francous asked me to help him practice piano after lunch tomorrow. Winna gave me two throat candies ^^ I'm worrying so much about my cold, I need to NEED TO get better to be a good leader!!!!!!
Motoyo heard me coughing like crazy, gave me medicine from Hong Kong!! I thought it helped, but by bedtime I was going insane again. Each breath is difficult because it triggers coughs for some reason... and sometimes stuff (mucus-y) gets stuck in my throat and I can't breathe and I'm afraid for my life, going to SUFFOCATE ><; All night, half-sleep, cough, sweating, sitting up, LATE FOR CY PRACTICE nightmares.
August 1 [Day 23]
Dress clothes. Clean upstairs bathroom, brush hair (LOL, that's rare) go only to Water of Life, 3rd time no Tree of Blessing. Getting lazy after first time, seeing how easy it was to not go.
So happy, played Song of the Garden well for song team (i think i did...) <3
Simply, I'm terrified.
DP contest, music club performances? THat's nothing compared to my pleading, begging, yearning, stress to becoming a good piano leader. It's all i can pray about.
Christelle, Sharon, Grace, Sophie congratulate me on becoming leader. Christelle knows it's weird, being leader of people older than you... ^^
MEGUMI-SAN NOT THERE! Was closed, 7am. Help Francois practice now instead of later.
Doing my best, but still can't believe/act like i am a leader. i know nothing!! Yeonhi would be a better leader, or haruka (leaving) and why not Jyun!!!?? I'm happy and grateful for this chance, but i feel so unworthy!!!!
even so... even so!! i'll do my best.
Um...I did the third pianist part. and I realized, a little too late, it was the wrong sheet music for tanshimga. So... p;laying with one hand, i searched the other sheets while hundreds of eyes were on me. FREAKING OUT. Screaming in my head, NO NO NOOOOO!!!! Saved myself by the second time through. only made it by the memorized bits i could remember and the weird, wrong sheets in front of me. but face hot, feel so bad. after, turn off keyboard, abby tell me it's okay, i was good. but i walked away with my head down, wanting to run and hide. apologized to God. go straight to Jap office and ask questions, take notes, get sheet music.
I was totally alone at JSW. Apologize, beg... apologize.
After these 40 days, where everyday , ever minute i had to be somewhere to do something like...; CY, climb, sweat, sleep only 5 hours... go home, sleep a week, then have nothing to do for a while will. feel. good. then get a job, start new life of after CP *
During lecture, didn't listen or learn ANYTHING. I miss my family so much. I can't call them until I've become an acceptable leader. But it feels like I have an endless mountainous amount of things to learn, memorize to be a piano leader. so. afraid. so. worried. especially because it's a 2 day workshop tomorrow. so. scared.
죽을 만큼... 두려워.
I want to go HOME.
Practice Tanshimga with Jyun-sshi in Small hall after hurried lunch. Goodness, drum leader is everywhere lol ^^; Hurry music club. After, Geojitmal with Abby ^^
Half-sleep through whole HDH. I'm so afraid. Too stressed. I Want to go home. Please, let me sleep, not be burdened with Keyboard leader duties... please... God... I feel so alone, even though Harumi is practicing guitar right next to me.
I miss my family. I'm so tired, of everything. Exhausted, stressed, afraid, zero self esteem, i could DIE here, couldn't I? Maybe, one hopeless feeling day, I could fast and do everything physical and tire myself out until I faint and then I can LIE DOWN, rest for a day or two and make everyone worry about me.
Lol... *tears*
At 4pm, our music club performed Tonghua, It's God's Community and One Family Under God yups. I Think we did all right... ^^ I messed up in the intro of the first song goshdarnsitall >_o; but i didn't see Kenmei playing piano or anything for the greater good XP
Art club was GOOD! (GACs?) Seijin, Jeremy, Like, David. They're all really good! =) Then OMG STOMP TEAM. Jessica, Rebecca, Kinesha, Heejin, Kohwa and Victoria really surprised me!! It was like... a banging... kinda slightly creepy in-synch dance :D Then our trinity do our lecture and skit.
Ting-Yi onni!!!! New keyboard member!!!! :DDDDDD She can already play too!!! :D Later Eliot-oppa asks if I can play "crazy songs" like "Flight of the Bumblee." I can't. I don't know that song either... ><; later other trinity do their lectures. Sharon's was SO. Good. took notes.
Today was the first day I ever fell asleep during the day. Anyway, tired. I want to go home so badly. I'm soooooo stressed because I don't know if the CY leaders will announce the whole 2 day workshop performers next meeting!!!!! So scared.
神様!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The song we sang this morning was "Let It Be." the lyrics kind of match my life right now.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Heavenly Father comes to me... Speaking words of wisdom, [Let it Be...]
"And in my HOUR OF DARKNESS, He is standing right in front of me... SPeaking words of wisdom, [Let it be...]
"[Let ie be, let it be, let it be oh let it be...] Whisper words of wisdom...
"[Let it be...]"
神様，私に何か伝えていますか…？Maybe... "걱정하지마..."?
I think you gave me this position to pull me away from my bad habits. No time to doze off, or ボーっとして。
But I dunno if I can handle the responsibility of this. What if I can't be a good leader and ruin everything? I'm trying to search for self-confidence and ability in this. But it's so hard.
The 2 day workshop coming up is terrifying me.
During cleaning I lay on the ground on 3rd floor and fell asleep with rebecca, motoyo. Wake up, go Water (skip mountain AGAIN.). I run after Jyun-san and she answer my questions about this morning CY. YES i have to announce members for whole two day workshop...
so well... at meeting, all i could do is announce morning CY, then Jyun-sshi explained ot makotosshi that becuase i "couldn't" talk to megumi san i couldn't announce... THANK YOU SO MUCH JYUN-SAN. LIFE SAVER.
Before CY, Naomi came to my side and thanked me for smiling last night, it really helped (she was main vocal)
OMG. made my day <3 i did not know i did that.
then did 3bonjjae pretty well... SO HAPPY. go jp office, ask million questions to megumi-san about 2 day workshop, feel much better ^^;
The abscences i notice most are August, Insun, and Hide. =(((((
At lunch asked Megumi-san MORE questions, bought socks, throat candy, batteries, tissues, silver pencil case.
DP lecture contest: 3 - 4:30. Some, SO SLEEPY while listening. Others, hilarious, LOVED. So far, Seiya's trinity was the BEST, SO HILARIOUS yet you learn A LOT. Thomas-oppa had to cut off people cuz they took a long time, even after he made the "T" sign... ^^;
At dunner hurry, stressed, WHERE JYUNSAN!? oh yeah before dinner asked megumi-san MORE questions XP Vocal leader tell me important stuff like tomorrow 7:20am B1 for practice. Um, omg. I haven't practiced Grace of the Holy Garden in G. I'm gonna die.
Denise-sshi tell me perfing CY has to sit at CY place during lecture, and I DON'T have to play piano for kangsanim tonight!! only josanghaewon!!! Contrary information, but she sounds so sure... so i believe and thank her. yeah omg SHE WAS RIGHT THANK YOU DENISSEEEE-SHIIIII!!!!!!
Searching while singing for SOonae, tell other if see her tell her... then POP & OMG she's there and I'm so happy i wanna hug her!!!!!!!! <3 now we two perfers were ready ^^
Didn't listen to lecture at all ><; so stressed... thinking of everything i have to do...
Heavenly Father, please help me, please.
Even though I do everything FOR You, I can't do it, or anything WITHOUT You.
I always say in my prayers, that I'm doing my best for my family, world and everyone here, future husband, and God. FIGHTING.
At CY couldn't see cards GOSHDARNSITALL so messed up a lot, and couldn't even hear own playing cuz speaker too low ><; keyboard team cleaned stage after, SO HAPPY MEMBERS REMEMBERED <3
Oh omg today, Ting-Yi onni went to the hospital because her hand is swollen from a spider bite!!!!! O____X; right when she joined, too! =(
*sigh* am i doing things RIGHT?! Tanshimga too fast? loud? playing too bouncy? Bangy? Someone, tell me how to be a better leader!!!! I have no idea waht i'm doing!!!!!!
Kangsanim said that the Japanese people are getting scared of walking the streets, afraid to die. evil spirits influencing people to kill, commit suicide. O_O;
August 3 [Day what? What happened to August 2nd!? Days are getting all mixed up ><;]
Hardest day to get up. Jessica and Rebecca and I lay down on the last unmade sleeping bag and closed eyes fo a few last (savory?) minutes. then the day began. another one...
Holy ground after hdh in small hall, get water with sarah, mako and aika who want to go home and eat chinese food lol ^^
Practice Seongweoneh Eunsa in G, then Vocal leader, Makoto-sshi and Yasutaka-san come and warm up their voices. after, they talked to me in Japanese it was so nice =)
At CY Kuniyuki-san tap my shoulder telling me that volume of keyboard too loud. i thought so too but too scared unsure tomove. the Kangsanim himself was motioning it was too loud!! I hurry and lower but it seemed not to change!! I feel so bad. couldn't wait until i got on. turned volume down, sit and begin to feel better...
THE FAN BLEW TANSHIMGA SHEET MUSIC PAPERS TO THE FLOOR!!! What should I have done!? THANKFULLY LIFESAVINGLY MAKOTO-SAN TURNED THE FAN AROUND OMG. THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOOOUUU MAKOTO-SAN!!!!!!
JSW, stressed if i'm supposed to go to piano for kangsanim. i freak out. jyun-san tell me she'll tell me when, in korean, he ask for pianist. he does. i run up, bowing all over the place, cuz HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE WAITING FOR ME, WHO WAS LATE, BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN.
Daemonim walk in while i play.
i look down, concentrating so hard.
Daemonim malsseum. then fastest CY Start ever, no time to breathe. bow, go, start, BAM Moonkangsanim so fast. God pulling me, helping me do everything. then miraculously, i put at good volume and play it in G, all right.
It's AMAZING what a key change can do. it felt so much more exciting, uplifting... goosebumps... it felt like... i dunno... awakening? amazing. i was really scared though since i had practiced it for like 30 min, ever. sometimes moon-kangsanim skip eye check . it's funny to see everyone's different style in doing main vocals lol XD
Megumi-san come, relieve my stress!! I WAS DONE WITH 2 DAY WORKSHOP!!!! Her style/playing is SO COOL, diff. from mine! she followed sheet music maybe... i didn't... i just transposed it from F ><;
Later, Kayoko-san (former keyboard leader) tell me, "you can do it!" <3
HAIRCUT! FI..NAL.LY!!!! had to sit on anita's lap tho, car full ><; we waited at the hair cut place for three hours and 45 minutes for our haircuts. everyone taht came in and the brothers got to go first. looked at magazines, drank lil bottle of something... at least there was AC. half-slept.
What was funny was when the barber lady finished cutting uh... Colin?-oppa's hair, it was all combed and stuff, and he immediately messed it up with his hands and everyone laughed XD
cut hair finally yeah, somehow got what i wanted across to korean barber... "fringe" and shorter and layer or something yeah, i dunno i pinned it up right away after getting bangs retrimmed before paying 6,000w.
OH! I HEARD TABLO-OPPA'S VOICE ON A KOREAN COMMERCIAL! :D
4th in line for dinner. buy two clips from store to hold up shorter hair ><; my cold is nearly gone, my voice louder!!! Sharon-onni say i'm becoming a better leader too! :D
CY = VOLUME IS SUCH A PROBLEM!!! ARGH@!!!! and omg the drums were MOVING, blocking view to cards, the piano pedal slipping... ><;
August 4
the first thought i had this morning, right when i was capable of thinking after sleep, i thought, 'i can't wait for bed time tonight. just 18 more hours to go.' >______<;
piano solo accompaniment w/o eliot-oppa dongsane norae, everyone sing <3 go tree of blessing first time all weekend, high-five kohwa <3
I CAN CALL MY FAMILY NOW!!! AT LUNCH!!!! X)
At CY, i ask Naomi if keyboard volume too loud, she say maybe a lil. turn around, see yasutaka-san signaling to me, too loud. i go up, vol down, he motion "ok" phew. he's so yasashii~ ^^
また，CYを無事に出来ました！！本当にありがとうございます，神様!!!!!! <3
Piano for song team, MESS UP!! TOO FAST CHORD CHANGE!! >_______< I'M SORRY ELIOT-OPPA, EVERYONE!!! x(((((((
discussion about protection factors against the fall... TINY LIL KID ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS SO CUUUUUTE. can't believe he has more opinion, voice and understanding than me...!!!! XD
Thomas-oppa called me pro-pianist... x3
invited to mana's bday party! talk with harumi, oh! Ting-Yi-onni know Debussy, and at her Chi. university study "apply music" like for CM! XD
Uh, had random thought. I want to play music with my husband...
Abby said that I look like one of the brothers here, like we could be long-lost siblings!! WHOA WHO THE HECK...!!!???? O_o;
Will i cry when the workshop is coming to an end, and i can no longer be on the song team, cy team, and in the workshop in general? and freak out if i haven't figured out hte purpose of my life yet?
lunch with takami from vancouver, who guessed i was 16/17 omg lol! anita guess i was 15!! XXDD
run to phone. kuni is calling home too. so proud to tell daddy i'm leader of keybaord <3 also tell of when dmn came in, music club, dp contest... so hot... THEY'RE PLANNING TO GO CAMPING WHEN I COME BACK, even if school starts cuz now that we all homeschool, we can go whenever XD CAN"T WAIT!!
run to 3rd floor, go up secret (not really xp) stairs with Kinesha. she's so loving and FUNNY!!! <33333333333
Girls meeting, i was late. moving to tears, but didn't want to cry there ><; miranda-onni...!!! nina-onni!!!!!
dp lecture contest pt. 2. Patrick-oppa's was awesome!! Mana's trinity's pictures so cute <3 go to her b-day party, eating lots of snacks... Kinesha run up telling me Makoto-sshi wants to see me, he's waiting for you at the men's bath entrance.
I take off, terrified.
he tell me in japanese that because we're moving to daiseiden, keyboard team has to move piano upstairs. i nod when i understand, but he still ask if i understand.. and i don't know what to say with my heta japanese and i feel bad and yeah...
ARGH. STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.
frantic shower, hurry dinner, only able to find and tell Francois to help, he go, i go. Makoto-sshi and him already moving it up!! Megumi-san winding cords, i bring stand, sweaty. so many ppl here now! kinda mad cuz really don't lke it when so many people here. but not supposed to think like that, GOD'S VIEWPOINT!
Soonae 1st (love her, she's so gooood and dependable!!!!! <3) me 2nd, kaya-sshi debut!!!! she did AWESOME <3
during my part, my mind wandered for ONE second and when i came to, i was playing the wrong part. I WAS SO HORRIFIED. i couldn't smile anymore.
i prayed a lot after. SO, SO sorry Kamisama!!!
Jessica debuted side. so cute and eager!!! Rebecca debuted solo for 2nd half!!!
so many people, it kind of stinks... literally.
at lecture hall after, i BUTCHER Tears in Heaven. upstairs realize my adapter doesn't fit straightener, so my hair will be ugly forever. in CP anyway.
August 5
The thought that pushes me now in the morning when I wake up is just, I WANNA PLAY PIANO FOR SONG TEAM!!
Mountain check! Laundry NOOOO No 500won coin ><; oh yeah everyone is getting on my case for breaking my promise about putting my hair down ahhhgghhhghghh!!! i caaaaaaaan't!
New keyboard member!! Fukuoka Kaori!!! :D But Jyun-san sick!! And resting... Junko-san sick but came!! =\ LOVE soonae for being able to play piano so well!!! i was so tired at CY today, not like usual... at CY usually not too tired... =\
Ran to the store to buy bobby pins, exchange money into coins, run to laundry, jessica took the detergent! aahg!! wil buy it at lunch =\
@ JSW, I prayed about how I didn't realize how bad my Japanese was until I came here. I'm heta. This is making me feel the decision to become an interpreter approaching.
Hurry to lectureroom right as Wonderwall is stating!! AW!!!!!!! Link arms with Kohwa, Kinesha instead of playing piano =\ Wonderful feeling, singing that on stage with them... <3
Sharon and Patrick's lectures were cut off so they had a chance to finish now! I held SHaron's poster again =) They should really win =)
13 more days. Ato wa 13 nichi dake. 13 il mani isseo.
All of a sudden, when i was improvising on piano during break with some "If I Were Free" chords before we were going to sing it, Jeremy-oppa JUMPS UP and comes, and says "WHAT SONG IS THAT!?"
O_o; Um um... uhhh I was just fooling around.. but I said that it aws "If I were free" I dunno, i used those chords... but kinda infused yiruma or something into it O_O I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY HE BURST OUT LIKE THAT.
When I Think aboiut it, history seems so fun/exciting/niii~ce to read about. But when I do, in school, it's dead boring >n<; aw.
P.S. my Ilshim ring is black with scratches from bows O_o;
Oh so Abby showed me who looked like me. Rebecca agrees. "Long lost brother." I... kinda... wish it wasn't so~! >n<;
sophie, after she say hi and I reply when sweating, hobbling up rock stairs to lecture room, she say my smile is so nice and I'm like thank you but HAAAHH???? Whaa!!??? is she looking at meee...!!??
I don't want to suck on anymore throat candy, but I'm falling asleep. Daydreaming about Christmas. With my family. At home. I miss the cold, having to wear warm, soft sweaters <3 Miss most:
1) family.
2) sleep.
3) having no stress
4) playing acoustic piano.
I am realy, really not listening to Dr. Sanchez's lecture.
So many people at lunch, many youngsters. lunch duties! do laundry finally with detergent, then I called my brother Justin for the chords to Tears in Heaven so i wouldn't butcher it again and I can play it better for Eliot-oppa. when I go home, Justin and I together will be the bestest elder siblings!
Mama told me to relax, not do every single CY session.
Kenmei got to play piano for "Sailing With Our Father." I wanted to play =\
I love how Daddy always sounds so excited when I call home XD always he answers almost.
D: Hi, this is Cyril.
Me: Hi Daddy~!
D: Heeeeeeeeey Jenny! Wow, we get TWO calls in two days!!
^ like that XD <3
Oh yeah At lunch, Mr. Sanchez, Luke and Patrick sat with me... lol... They just talk DP. I eat, go for duty. Dr. S say I always smile during piano, At CY... I see him watching a lot, looking up at us on stage lol ^^
Definitely, 200%, DP lectures are the hardest things to not fall asleep during. So. Boring. I mean, I can't soak it in so raw... I miss One Heart Camp explanations like Kwanchai, Deanne, Dave's ways of simplifying and applying it to daily life so I don't even know it's DP.
I wanna sleep so bad.
Who sould I pick for tonight's CY? Diana and William are Mr. Sanchez's children!
I really, really SLPET at break. Head on arms on desk. Abby massages me, wake up and my forehead red. AAGHHH song team singing already!!! "As the deer"!! AW I MISSED PIANO ALL AFTERNOON NOW!!!!! For 2nd song, Eliot-oppa say i can play piano but i turned down because take too long to turn on, and go to "Stero keys" AW >n<;
Seriously, girls lack spirit in singing. Guys so good (like being on their wide with piano because their voices loud and spirited). Real "brotherhood." arms across shoulders, swinging, or stomping, clapping...
Looking forward to (HOME:+:Furusato~~~*singing*) Music Festival (of course) and MOVIE!!! And dancing Chanyang!!! And sleep. I can't believe I really slept, for like 20 minutes! XD well, so tired...
Mama said Mrs. Tamura was leaving for CP on Thursday, if I need anything can ask her to bring it ^^ I wanted something frmo home, but I forgot.
A patriot is a person willing to give their life for their nation.
Last night I asked God/ancestors/spirits to wake me up @ 4am. Then I realize my straightener won't work here with my adapter, and I forgot to tell then it's ok not to wake me up anymore, so they woke me up at 4am really really lol!!! XD
I'm feeling like... wow I've met so many people from so many countries/states! There's a BIG, real possibility I might meet some of them... Kinesha, Eliot, Lisa, Yeonhi, even PAtrick, Miranda, Insun, Soonae, Naomi... I hope I do!!!! Kinda wishing me and mama can go to Wales for Grandma for a while this year. I will LOVE to be cold for a change. PRolly not when there, tho xp. That's not probable, but... 1% chance. If so I want to give my heart in helping care for her, and also meeting British (LIKE ME) BCs <3
I really do...
Randomly... Diana Sanchez is drop-dead gorgeous. So jealosu!
Heavenly Father,
Here in CP, everyday I feel more strongly, "I can be matched and Blessed to anyone." Like... nationality, looks don't matter, just the inside. I can accept anyone.
It's just a problem of... I don't know if I can accept a handicapped person... and THAT'S where I'm flawed still!! and not ready!!! Definitely not for TP's matching =(
While I was picking up garbage from the floor Rebecca pushed in the chair and it smashed my temple. ow. it really, really hurt my eyes watered but i pretended nothing happened and it was good ^^ Kohwa gave me candy ^^ she thought I Was 15, full AMERICAN >n<; goshdarnsitall!!!
I change, put laundry to dryer, pray at JSW for 30 min crying like HECK. So. Sorry to God for everything until now. Dinner alone. Korean veggie stew thing. and korokke <3 brush teeth...
Um... Francesco-oppa...?
------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL YOU should NOT JUDGE ANYONE!!!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.
I got a break from CY, made SOonae do so much instead I'M SO SORRY!! >n<; I saw in middle of hundreds of Japanese girls ^^ Did my bset-best actually!! Not sleepy! Cold almost gone, so i can sing up to "a." feels like... nice cuz everyone around me still new at CY, but I know exactly when we're changing what body part to hit ^^ My partner was Lisa-chan, 10th grade ^^
The laundry in CP doesn't work. I wear "clean" clothes but in reality, they're stinky and dirty, not a good bright white.
We butchered Generation of Righteousness XD clapping mostly, guys singing random notes lololololllllzzz XP
Sophie and Soonae SOK ING & WONDERFUL!! <3 <3 <3 Let me use straightener AND adapter with such grace, elegance & love <3 I will try to do @ 4am!
August 6
Didn't wake up at 4am. Tho I asked very hard, TP, God, absolutely good spirit world and ancestors to. MAybe cuz it's a selfish reason =\
I only went to Water of Life, then came back and straightened my hair. Mrs. Sanchez came into the bathroom and saw me *gulp* feel so guilty, horrified. at first, the straightener sooo hot it made my hair like straw omg soonae's is sooooo strong and BURNS me!!!! the HAIR BURNS ME!! O_____O; but then... it... worked! and my bangs... i could put them down...!!!!
All morning sisters commented, and didn't recognize me, and i felt really cool <3 finally a little self-esteem...? xp
Two nights ago, Jessica saw, in darkness, Saika go out the window to the thing outside like a porch kinda and she freaked out!! Cried next night (last night) afraid to sleep, but everything cleared. She thought it had been a spirit. She's ok now <3
Cy do best. Can tell ppl looking, not recognizing @ 1st X3 I tried to smile for my whole 30 minutes on stage... for encouragement to the main vocal, cards, everyone... put heart into tanshimga... Makoto-sshi says Kangsanim said for CY team to put more JYOUNETSU ~ PASSION into everything. So... I tr. Ending is really fun ^^
I'm so proud to bow with the Chanyang team, always. Am I worthy...?
Then lecture/group discussion. Suck my life out >n<; sleep really again at break. Miranda give me fullest back massage I ever had, while Rebecca played with my hair.
Felt. So. Good XP
Eliot-oppa always playing Hey There Delilah, She Will Be Loved, and some brothers are always asking to sing "How to Save a Life" lol... wish I knew more songs everyone knew so i could play for them.
goshdarnsitall my hair is curling from sweat, touch, and just... time passing.
At song team singing (By the Spring of Life) Patrick-oppa asked my age and country (he knew).
Randomly today, out of nowhere, I felt like: I want to give my husband head and back and hand and feet massages.
Had to rush through lunch, go clean. Packing up chairs and desks groups 5 - 7 of sisters and brothers had to carry chair up 6 flights (or is that called 3 flights?). Duuuuuude Yen Chuan-oppa did 4 chairs at once!!!! Rebecca did 2, I did 3. It wasn't as bad as I expected. And omg! Luke said my name in encouragement, and Patrick-oppa on the way down, said "Jenny I'll take those for you..." but I said no it's okay ^^ it's like everyone's talking nice to me...!!! (since I put my bangs down... LOL coincidence xp).
So sweaty, had to pin up bangs cuz they were wavy and nasty.
Go on bus/car to Cheong-A camp, do drums of the three traditional Korean experiences.
Uh, it was the best ever.
Not exactly because of the drums... it was really fun playing the "book" but the teacher. BUTTER TEACHER!!!!! *saranghaeyo~~~* OMG SO FUNNY, CUTE, and JUST COMPLETELY FRIENDLY *HUGE HEART* SO SWEET *HUGE HEART* DUNNO WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!!! <3 WILL NEVER FORGET HIS KINDNESS. I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, SO FUNNY, OPEN-HEARTED, CUTE... <3
Come back, we buy ice cream cuz it's SO HOT AND SUNNY today. like animals at the ice cream boxes LOL. Ate with Yukimi and Valerie...~ Shower, wait 30 minutes in hueg line of Japanese brothers, worried about CY practice. But it was okay =)
OMG OMG!!! JESSICA AND REBECCA DID CARDS TOGETHER SOOOOO CUTE!!!!! <33333 after song team got chocopies~
Now we're in Room B of 3rd floor for lectures.
No. Piano.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For the first time I was in the front udring closing at JSW. IT felt much much better, we were practically yelling the pledge, singing our hearts out.
Soobin-onni is BACK, from JAPAN!!!! :D
August 7
Weird, all chairs and GUYS on 3rd floor xp True PArents speech today! 11 DAYS LEFT!!! Getting so serious about interpretation as a career.
Only went to Water of Life. I'm so lazy. Breakfast alone. Go big hall. Other brothers not from CY team came later so I couldn't pracice piano =\
Slept against a pillar, then lost my breakfast. Will be hungry soon, not even 8am =((((((( wearing dress clothes x(
9:40am during Hyun Jin Nim's speech
Grace gives good "squeeze" Massages! and Abby gives tickly ones xp
I really really, really admire the Eng-Kor interpreter. I can't imagine what it feels like for him. Stressful... but really good? Cuz he has the ability. I don't yet, I can't even begin to imagine. But I think... I want to... become an interpreter.
11:15am
Still going on. I'm dying. Gotten like ten massages from people around me. Falling asleep during True Father's event. Can't help it. No AC, hungry, TIRED, uncomfortable, sitting for 4 hours, talking about the darned helicopter for 3 1/2 of those hours. I would be sleeping riht now if Abby not sitting next to me. bad/good thing. we're going boating today.
I just wanna go home.
Later
Dude we sat for five hours. Even if it WAS TP, I'm too tired.
Lunch. I felt odd. I sit, prayer interrupted. Someone tell me this table is already taken. So embarrassed, I leave, about to cry. I just had to, had to make eye contact and pass right by afjs;odrhi Go all the way to the other sidde of the whole cafeteria, sit alone. Don't even know why! But want to just burst into tears that are roaring to get out.
"Let it be, let it be..."
Kayoko-san appears, Got-sent. Talks to me. Says I'm really working hard as a leader, that God is a genius. I had no intention of becoming leader but it's God's gift to me. And also she was talking with a friend, when she pointed me out and her friend said that I was beautiful because of my skin... and that i'm always modest.
She cheered me up a lot.
God cheered me up through her, I know it.
Rush 3rd floor, change to SFP blue shirt, wait Tree of Love, bus to boat dock.
So yes. Boating was awesome. The dancing teacher!! X3 Helmets, ctoch-life-jackets, Pedals, groups of 12. Splashing fights on the boats (beaten up by brothers), splashed by a motorboat (where Jesica was). Race, standing together, standing on boat RIM together singing Twinkle twinklg (WE WON XD) and situps with head in the water. Also one at a time everyone in the boat jump in the water, be rescued XP then all jump in, drag boat back to dock. So. Tiring. Then get back in boat, exhausted.
OH!!! After I jumped in the water and they pulled me up, Miranda was pulled up after and dropped on me and Ryuichi-san (in our boat, like our leaer lol X3) yelled "WE'VE LOST ONE!" LOL HE'S SO FUNNY!!!! Like Kwanchai-oppa mankeum funny!!!!!
Then we jump/flip/dive into the water from the dock to swim for fun!! Kenmei did a backflip duuuudee..!!! our group 9 held hands and had to splutter up to the surface lol XD
After, walked back to Cheongpyeong. Didn't dry in the heat, amazing O__O; I heard Dae Hi talking about the one Korean girl in our group during drumming yesterday, and how she must've been understanding everything he interpreted but why the heck didn't she be interpreter instead? =( I thought he did a good job, tho I can only understand a lil Korean =\
No shower, go JSW, Megumi-san too. 2 day workshop people are here. I'm doing 1.5 hours of perf tomorros. She say Moon Kangsanim came to her after last weekend, say Jyun-sshi mess up, maybe not good... O________<;
Dinner alnoe but POP Valerie come sit with me. She say "it's so hard to find ppl we know..." SO TRUE.
Hurry CY, in main hall cuz wanna practice in G key, Megumi-san style XD Talk with Soobin, who is back from 2 weeks in Japan and joined CY team again!! after her practice and Francois, who is ready for debut anytime, I practice. Francesco-oppa asked me if I knew Japanese, if I could translate for the drummer, but I say I can't, because... drum terms I dunno, maybe I can't do well!??
AARGGHH I HAAAAAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PPL BY TRANSLATING THO I AM GOSHDARNSITALL HALF JAPANESE, AND SHOULD BE FLUENT!!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING FLUENT IN JAPANESE, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRANSLATE FOR OTHERS, I HATE HAVING TO HAVE TRANSLATORS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHERS. I HATE SUCKING AT JAPANESE!!!!!!
Ting-Yi-onni, DEBUT!!!!!!
Yasutaka-san's smile is soooo encouraging and sweet!!!! aw!!!! very warm. with him as main vocal, we had the happiest Chanyang session EVER.
Upstairs in our lecture building, waited... Eliot-oppa call song team. OH YEAH yesterday morning, I was the ONLY GIRL during Chanyang. I had no one do my okkae. Kinda embarrassing next to row of guys... So now again, the only girl for song team. i stand there. Eliot-oppa see, laugh, say "need piano..." LOL YES I MISS IT <3
I'm so sad I didn't buy the Cheon Jeong Goong pic =(
Olivia twisted her ankle on the stone steps!? Soobin cried for three hours after her mess up two weeks ago!!?? O___O AAAWWWW!!!!!!!
After JSW closing (next to Kaya-san) Makoto-san call me over. I saw him from corner of eye,k kinda wondering if he would talk to me. He ask if I'm ready for "happyo" of 5 cy sessions tomorow, and YUPS i am! but i'm worried about time running out for Francois to debut!!! Well... he say goodnight...~ ^^
Finally, finally, I can slee-- *dead*
August 8 TEN DAYS LEFT!! X) 미친 날
Every morning, I wake up Reb & Jes and At night, they get my sleeping bags and wave me a spot with them =3
I wanna remember our CP schedule, so I'll write it down:
4:30am - wake up
4:50 - song team <3
5 - bow, pledge in korean, bow, peace messages, pray
5:30-ish - Exercises with (first August, then) Patrick
5:40-ish - Korean class with Jeremy-oppa
5:50-ish - Announcements, cleaning duties
6:15 - 7:40 Holy Ground, change, breakfast
7:40 - Chanyang practice
｢明るく，元気で喜んで感謝してシンナゲのせいしんで。。。 やりましょう。。。？ ではファイチングします。」
8:15 - Chanyang for (70 min.)
9:45 - Jeongshimweon prayer
10:10 - Song team <3
10:20 - DP lecture or reading
11:10 break, song team <3
11:30 continue reading/dp
12:30 - lunch, self reflection
2 - song team
2:10 - dp lecture or sometimes Cheong-A camp, boating, Cheongjeong Goong...
Chanyang practice this morning was odd. Forgot to put on balck socks, forgot to put on pin until almost starting time. And during practice, OUT OF NOWHERE, we ALL just stopped playing. Drums stopped, vocals stopped, I stopped. WTHECK!!? O___O; freaky. EVeryone was just like... what!? Why?! Alda tell me to start again so i do >n<; messed up 1st intro yeah...
So tired but smiled for everyone, Jessica at cards and Naomi D at vocals =) then it was the brother that doesn't give me full eye checks, awkwaaaard.
Hurry JSW, back run w/o bathroom >n<; nervously NOT play for DMN entering the room. Sit with JEssica whole time listening to NOTHING, as in no English translation. Sleep, sweat. Megumi-san come! Find English translation later but Jessica (Spanis) said it was for something else LOL I dunno!! I WAS HALF SLEEPING WHOLE TIME, didn't notice was listening to wrong translation XP
then BAM BAM BAM Chanyang, special Ancestor liberation for Japanese leaders in G. Did ok... something wrong with volume. Never loud enough anymore. Scared whole time. Jessica and I exchanged nervous smiles, son ervous. She went solo!! Then Megumi-san took over for me =) So tired.
I ate lunch FIRST of ALL Int. BCs because I skipped whatever they did while I did the Chanyang for Japanese leaders only... so I had WATERMELON OMG so cool, sweet. then go call Daddy. Mainly he say ask others to take over if i need a break, if too stressful. "Don't break your leg." I can't wait to go home and go camping!! And SLEEP. I wanna go HOME.
I buy cookies for the party, and new pin cuz my pants the symbols is wearing off and it's necessary.
@ breakfast, Rebecca say (over mochi) that I'm just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Not good to be either. Why do you wanna lose wieght? I was happy, but still... need to be skinnier.
We were on 3rd floor later, someone had ipod on speakers listening to The Used, Evanescence... then there was a scene with a troubled Japanese girl, running away from Ryuichi-san O__o;
Japanese is beautiful.
私本当に本当につやくしゃになるかなあ｡｡｡ 日本語｡｡｡ realizing...
2:45pm Mrs. Sanchez - TF life dongan
I was looking forward so badly for What Dreams May Come but it seems like we'll prolly watch something else. Oddly, I didn't feel bad. Like, I accpet things easily now, things I can't change. Or maybe I'm just too tired to care >n<;
I dunno, when guys speak Japanese and Korean, it's beautiful.
3:40 after break
Got Miranda and Soonae's addresses! <3 I HOPE TO SEE THEM IN ENGLAND SOMEDAY!!!! <3
At home, at One Heart Camp and Winter Workship in California, I'm so afraid to just MOVE, but here I'm SO. FREE. It feels so good. Wooting, singing loud with song team, responsibility of being on time up to me, talking to everyone. Sleeping on the floor, sharing snacks. It feels so good.
Was that just an earthquake right now? Or ppl downstairs bouncing? O__o;
I have to make more effort to enunciate and not have slurry accent in Japanese. Have to talk to mama in Japanese ONLY best training along with study.
Best session, out of DP lectures and DP reading etc is definitely True Father's life!!!!
6:15pm in the big hall
Dnner line hadn't been so bad. The AC that hits you after a shower is just glorious.
Kayoko-san finds me every meal time!! She's gonna work here for a year, office work! OMG. So she wants my email address yay <3 her fav food is some kind of jelly and soba <3 i help her practice her english pronunciation, this one sentence for Ryuichi-san?
Slept on random floor space at sister side of big hall for 30 minutes. REALLY SLEPT. or maybe half. too tired. sit. during dongsaneh norae, winna find me, tell me i have to come sit with cy team.
I completely forgot.
And completely nearly crash into someone, dansei. Both like, uh, uh, not going. no eye contact. i go lol.
I can't believe there are two whole lectures, a 60 min. CY that I'm doing 2nd for, and JSW. so many people. can i survive? we're watching the TP helicopter video. AGAIN. Seriously, i am tired, and tired of this helicopter deal.
Um... yeah. CY was crazy.
first, after half sleeping whole first lecture, all of a sudden CY team has to jump up and get ready. drum team keyboard team, me and soonae prepare. then fast bow, GO! STRESSFUL. Brothers and sisters squished. Makoto-san ask me, "can you hear piano?" i say kinda, but no not really. so i go up, put the volume up. it's already higher than normal, soonae had put it perfect!!!! and it was blasting in her face!!! Why...
Later Makoto-san tell again... I say "ookii spiikaa kara detenai to omoimasu..." and he like ahh... i don't know what to do.
Me 2nd. Put volume louder. lil speaker sound like struggling. i go on, feels normal. Yen Chuan-oppa doesn't smile much anymore.
Then the vocals changed. Christelle, Makoto-san, Takayuki-san. And all craziness breaks loose.
They couldn't hear my piano playing, Christelle mainly, cuz far away. so she sang off key, but it wasn't her fault!! MAkoto-san eye on me, motion about volume. so lifting left hand, do just melody while raising volume. Lil speaker making clicking, vibrating noises. i'm thinking, if any louder, it'll explode. but they can't hear, NO ONE!! Singing off key, mics screeching O______O!!!! i make weird faces to makoto-san and Yen Chuan-oppa. like... what am i supposed to do...!!?
Winna catches my eye, and we start laughing. while i'm playing piano. then i suffer through the rest of the session.
Tanshimga i put as loud as i dared. maybe that's why it seems like people don't sing well with my playing. they can't hear me ever.
something vibrating loudly by me. it's so loud, yet so quiet. i do my best, cringing, probably. @ ending too, as loud as i dared, afraid to make the speaker explode. i'm probably the worst keyboard leader ever to come to CP. strangely i'm calm. a lil frustrated, but not in tears (yet).
Afterwards, drummer immediately tell me he couldn't hear anything. Soonae come help me turn off, cover. talk fast, like what's happening!!? Christelle, Alda come, talk to them... all CY members talking like never b4. So embarrassed...
It's all my fault.
Go JSW. on the way, aika, other lil girls ask me where to go we watch lightning striking the purple sky in the distance <3
I pray, apologize.
Abby find me. She had spiritual experienve during ansu. she want to sing the righ tlyrics. sang so loud, seh said. feel emotional. when get back to big hall for 2nd lecture, she CRY!!! she sleeping on my back now. Aw...
B4 lecture, alughing with winna about what happened. feels good to think light about it. also b4, check for Megumi-san right after CY but not there!!!! NOOOOOOOOO------!!!! Also tralk, explain to KAya-san... she comfort me, it's not my fault.
모두 내 탓이야. ぜんぶ私のせいで｡｡｡
I wish i was crying now. Dousurebaiino!!?
I. am. so. sorry.
After JSW, where I COULDN'T cry, this kid nearly crashes into me. I dodge in an odd position. getting angry at the whole darn day. i run away. hurry to 3rd floor. no more journal to write, so just flop into bed. muscles ache from swimming 2 days ago. just frustated with the whole day.
when almost sleeping, Sharon woke me up.
"Jenny, I am sorry to wake you, but we have been chosen to play for Hyun Jin Nim."
Or was it Heung Jin Nim?
WTHE--------------------------CK!!!!! Our "One Family Under God" was chosen by Moon-kangsanim!!! OMG. just. omg.
August 9 (Saturday)
Tired. worried. last time, i pretty nmuch butchered the ending, so this time, i've got to figure something out!!! prolly will skip holy ground again. gulp. wanna call parents, yes b4 breakfast!!!! i've memorized my phonecard x)
Called home instead of holy ground. mama said she's been praying for her ancestor to talk to my ancestor so i can sleep better and all through the night lol XD not working. last night, i woke up and half asleep, i rolled up one of my sleeping bags thinking it was time to wake up because i HEARD PEOPLE TALKING and it was almost Chanyang practice. but it wasn't. o_O;
I'm so worried. How am I supposed to deal with the speakers!!!?? Go with KAya-san to Korean office and one guy say that at 8am they'll send someone to fix it.
The guy came, but I don't think it's coming through the big speakers. semeed a little louder, but...
JSW. I hate being touched all over the place cuz it's too crowded. too, too, too, too crowded. squished. rushing, pushing, uncomfortable, frustrating... argh. then stressful, cuz still twice need to play.
Sleep in big hall with head on bag until kangsanim go on stage. i freak out, knowing piano not on. go up. he motion to piano like, "you're keyboardist?" i nod, go. wait. then play way too loud. to me anyway. is it coming out of the big speakers!? I used all my (nonexistant_) skill to play. this KEYBOARD. I MISS ACOUSTIC!! quietly, face stiff with worry. Damonim come in. i don't kno wwhen to go down, curtain blocking my way, so after prayer, dmn go to podium, i dash out the back way. dive in front of Isun-onni.
I listened to DMN's words very very badly. because i'm writing this thing, my journal. i'm so tired. this has been the hardest (32 so far) days of my life. i hope it's worth it.
i'll know if, from now on, i live as a true filial daughter to God and my parents, unable to sin.
DMN's talking. Hey JENNY-A! Don't give Satan any chance to accuse you!!!! All your arrogance, selfishness, fallen nature = NOT YOU. Inherited, influenced by media... it's not you. don't let it get to you. You're God's true daughter. ACT LIKE ONE.
"Absolutely, b4 blessing, don't have any difficult problems with opposite sex!! No look, no touch, no eat!!!!!! No alcohol, drugs, no party with drinks, NO!!!! Totally lock your buttons. why have to show to anyone else? it's just for your beloved spouse. can give birth to beautiful 3rd generation, true family."
It's our responsibility to change this world. 1st, 2nd, 3rd gen become united so we can bring KOHOE!!!
Shoa! Only stomach chanyang!
Grace-onni wants to stay in CP longer! likes being with us <3
So... ancestor liberation ceremony was only stomach and paksu. it was hard. no smiles, concentrate, try loudest, passionate... megumi-san plays so well...!!! sounds SO KAKKOI!! XD jealosu~ we have piano wiping towel now, finally. i wipe the keyboard a LOT, telling it thank you <3 Makoto-san was SOOOOO FUNNYYYY during Hallelujah LOLOL XD cuz we have to hold up our arms a lot and it's so tiring and painful, he like... waves quickly and then lets his arms hang down to the point he doesn't have to use energy to keep it up... you know...? aaaghh to hard to explain.
lunch --> that odd but yummy fruit salad. the Japanese BCs do chants b4 meals, like a CY beginning and then like. "Champoomonim jal meokgesseumnida...!!" so LOL Eliot-oppa made one too, like "rubadubdub please...?? America!" XP
Francisco-oppa really writing/studying something hard after lunch; go store; Yeonhi ask to debut...
PRACTIVE VIOLIN <3 Ting-yi-onni's lil brother is a violin pro OMG!! But he left already... wow... that's awesome XD I'm worried for our violin... it's like rotting in the heat O_o; then i lpay guitar for usic club since we dont' have a keyboard anymore. eat lots of junk food at the party for leaving ppl xp HATE being fat but eating so much, AND not going to mountain. NOT GOOD. cookies, rock choco, mccol, crackers... then pictures, writing emails etc. 9 more days. can't wait tho feel so incldued here... miss home tho.
I just realized I might feel more included, needed and loved here than at home because I actually contribute to the greater whole. by playing piano. at home i'm a nobody.
Chanyang members on stage are supposed to get energy from cards, i learned. i wonder...
@ 5pm we had western pic with dmn SO HOT BLINDING OMG. Dude, Kuni so unrecognizable!!
Talk a lot with Sawa (Texas!) and Hiromi and Erika, Yukimi, Jinae, yups <3 we're happy to be going home soon. some aren't...
now all i can think about is going camping with family when i g home and singing coutnry roads together x)
Sleep before Chanyang at the side. Kaya-san seem worry about me =\ FRANCOIS WAS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT BUT HE WENT TO HYUNGJIN NIM'S SERVICE OMG!!!!! NOOO!!! So switched to Soonae and me.
The big speakers worked. THANK YOU.
IT's a lil scary when Winna does cards cuz I always laugh. WAIT OMG WAIITTT!!!
THEY JUST ANNOUNCD THAT TRUE PARENTS IS COMING, GO MEET THEM OUTSIDE.
Screaming, running, crowds fly out. me running with winna, soonae, SO EXCITING OMG. i'm screaming LOL we line up alnog road, like a red carpet appearance XD WISH BROUGHT CAMERA GOSHDARNSITALL IT"S IN MY BAG!!!
The sky was beautiful today. like the beautiful asian feel of movies. bright sunlight, pure white clouds against a crisp blue sky. super hot, cicadas. then 7:30-ish beautiful pink, red... beautiful sweaty hot.
True Father comes. Was TM there?! No, DMN... run after the black car lol, feel so LIGHT AND FREE. i hardly run here cuz always saving energy, but when i DO, i can just tell i lost weight because i can run SO FAST and effortlessly OMG! IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!
After TF left, Soonam said I actually look HAPPY NOW!!! XD
it had been so exciting, but my explanation quick becauase so tired!! we went back for Chanyang. Victoria had cried from seeing TF!! I wasn't crying but I was more energized for an awesome chanyang session XD Winna took Yen Chuan-oppa's fan so then he fanned everyone lol, me rebecca, makoto-san... XD LOL i feel so happy now after TF...
Do good CY. Soonae so good at doing first part !!! <333 i did 2nd winna made me alugh a lot. supposed to be serious inside and passionate to help everyone lol... i mess up almost.. it was the sweatiest chanyang ever...!!
Lightning without rain again... ^^ super cool~ talk with sawa, motoyo, kiyoka, rebecca, cherisa about stuff <3 meet in beloved chinhwagwan 1B like old days. award winners of DP contest. Seiya's group YES DEFINITELY! And Patrick-oppa too!!! PERFECT!!! MAna and SHARON too!!! Then certificates of graduates... omg many people are leaving in the next threee days!!!
i'm selfishly daydreaming about going to wales/uk. noo!! xnx JSW was sweaty. go to bed.
august 10 (Sunday, but feels weird =\)
Slept through the whole night YES!!! <3 Thank you mama's ancestor x) but so tired, slept longest ever, as in waited till last minute to get up.
we brought chairs down from 3rd floor. by the time i was donw with NOT GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN NOR WATER, the last chair had been taken and i felt so bad especiall for Patrick-oppa who must've gone up a couple times, once came down with FOUR >n<;
I'm so lazy.
Eliot-oppa singing Jesse McCartney.
I always half-sleep before chanyang now. too worried to fully sleep though. FRANCOIS DEBUT & RASUTO!!!! HE DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!! OMG WHOOOOOOTT!! Soobin 2nd!!!! Jyun-san come to k-office with me cuz speaker WASN'T WORKING, but it did...?
it's depressing to be with 14 day participants cuz they don't sing, but half-sleep and clap weakly. and slow at changing body parts... but i have to love whem with the Heart of God... ^^;
took lots of pics after aw.... i took them, wasn't IN them. SO SAD X( high five Francois! do laundry.
guess what. we have no elextricity now until 5pm. but why do the fans work? wth!? Saw Mrs. Tomorrow yesterday and today!!! so COOL to see someone i recognize, from the same city in the world!!!! XD
Today. was. hot. like. crazy.
Music club practice. Heavenly Father, please help me figure out the outro chords...!! time runing out >_0 play piano with sophie, soonae. she know the most popular british song, with french title!!! :D teach Motoyo a little...
Then. Dun DUN DUN. we switched everything with brothers, like sleeping spots. aired sleepings bags, packed, moved everything to 3B OMG, clean upstairs, move desks up. i was unnaturally energized, despite extreme heat and the task ahead. i was guilty/grateful actually because the brothers were the suffering ones. i think ZERO sisters brought up a desk, except for Sarah, Cherisa, Mako and I together one desk lol XD
Yeonhi ~~> debut <3
met Haruka-onni!!! What's she doing here!!? XD she was like... "Becky-chan~~~~!!!" <3 XD ahhhhh I missed her!!
Chanyang team got treats from British and Spanish (Alda, Colin...) members who left today!!
Later I told Eliot-oppa about getting "tears in heaven" chords but chickened out in playing it next song team time... ><; did two other songs... and OMG LOL. I was trying to play alnog and figure out this sequence of chords that he ALWAyS ALWAYS plays, it's to "iris" by goo goo dolls i THOUGHT i recognized it... so i was trying to play along and then suddenly Jeremy-oppa and a blong brother heard.
"WHOA!!!" then something like... "it totally sounded like you two were just playing the same song!!" then eliot-oppa says
"Do you know Iris!?"
I nodded *sweatdrop* then asked what chords i'm using, and walk away, playing lol... ^^;
This is what I mean by when we do "song team."
1) Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" and everyone takes forever to get started.
2) Choose songs
3) Eliot-oppa come show me book
4) sing and play two songs usually. someitmes one or three
5) clap, bow, leave stage~
I <3 playing for everyone.
Said goodbye to Francois after more certificate giving. he say i'm a good leader zw. he leaving tomorrow at 4:30am o_<;
Tomorrow again i'll skip mountain. but i'm dreaming hoping to play songs like "maybe" tomorrow morning (cuz we sleep here now!) for everyone, so brought UP sheet music ^^ it's already dark now (using my lil light to write this ) so goodnight... <3
Monday, July 7, 2008
>OFF TO KOREA<
My plane is leaving in five hours, I'm leaving home in one hour, and I am oh. so. terrified.
Like... "What have I gotten myself into" terrified. And it was all my idea!!
I'm afraid that we won't be able to get on the plane... like my passport is bad or something... i lose my tickets... lose my baggage... i'm so scared...!!
"I think I need a hug..." (-donkey from shrek x\)
Well... I just wanted to say goodbye until after August 18th, when I'll be back. I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill your requests!! I will try to do them when I get back!!
I'm so stressed right now! I've slept like seven hours for the last two days put together. Spent twenty of those awake hours putting songs onto my new ipod, which wouldn't have any of my own songs on it right now if it hadn't been for WILLIAM!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU WILLIAM FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR COMPUTERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Armed with 1300+ k/j/c-pop songs and videos, my violin, suitcase of white shirts (lol), camera and passport stuff... am I ready?
I'm trying to think of this as an adventure, an unknown, incredibly exciting adventure. That's how I thought of it last night, anyway. But now, in the morning, I am freaking out.
I lost my watch. I got four memory cards. My battery charger might not work in Korea. I got a Korean adapter plug thing for my straightener & ipod. I lost sleep. I'm gaining the opportunity of a lifetime.
It's pretty balanced... no?
Last night (I have to share this) my dad came running into the house yelling, "JENNY! JENNY!!! YOUR FAVORITE SINGER IS ON TV!!!"
And I'm like whoaa what whaaaa--!!!???
My dad sets up the tv (we have weird systems) and BAM!!
Moriyama Naotarou is performing his biggest his "Sakura" with a whole bunch of other singers,
including TOHOSHINKI!!!! DBSK WAS SINGING MORIYAMA NAOTAROU'S SAKURA!!!!
I wanted to cry. It was so beautiful.
Sakura is my most favorite song in the world. When I hear it, I don't worry anymore (I should listen to it now huh). If I perform it, I'm not nervous at all (that was an amazing day, that day... XD) and it's just the most beautiful song ever written.
Plus my favorite singers singing it!! Too bad Super Junior wasn't too lol... XD
Yeah... that made my day, yesterday.
I'm just a big bundle of confused and nervous nerves right now. I'll probably cry at the airport when my dad drops us off, being the baby I am. I've never flown international without my parents, but I am 17... isn't it okay to be scared? Being entrusted to take card of two younger girls, passports, visas, lots of money, phone cards, licenses etc... ohgosh that makes me feel worse.
But... but... DUDE I AM GOING TO KOREA!!!! XXDD
Goodbye, everyone, until late August! (If I come back no just kidding XD)
*waving from the airplane*
Like... "What have I gotten myself into" terrified. And it was all my idea!!
I'm afraid that we won't be able to get on the plane... like my passport is bad or something... i lose my tickets... lose my baggage... i'm so scared...!!
"I think I need a hug..." (-donkey from shrek x\)
Well... I just wanted to say goodbye until after August 18th, when I'll be back. I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill your requests!! I will try to do them when I get back!!
I'm so stressed right now! I've slept like seven hours for the last two days put together. Spent twenty of those awake hours putting songs onto my new ipod, which wouldn't have any of my own songs on it right now if it hadn't been for WILLIAM!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU WILLIAM FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR COMPUTERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Armed with 1300+ k/j/c-pop songs and videos, my violin, suitcase of white shirts (lol), camera and passport stuff... am I ready?
I'm trying to think of this as an adventure, an unknown, incredibly exciting adventure. That's how I thought of it last night, anyway. But now, in the morning, I am freaking out.
I lost my watch. I got four memory cards. My battery charger might not work in Korea. I got a Korean adapter plug thing for my straightener & ipod. I lost sleep. I'm gaining the opportunity of a lifetime.
It's pretty balanced... no?
Last night (I have to share this) my dad came running into the house yelling, "JENNY! JENNY!!! YOUR FAVORITE SINGER IS ON TV!!!"
And I'm like whoaa what whaaaa--!!!???
My dad sets up the tv (we have weird systems) and BAM!!
Moriyama Naotarou is performing his biggest his "Sakura" with a whole bunch of other singers,
including TOHOSHINKI!!!! DBSK WAS SINGING MORIYAMA NAOTAROU'S SAKURA!!!!
I wanted to cry. It was so beautiful.
Sakura is my most favorite song in the world. When I hear it, I don't worry anymore (I should listen to it now huh). If I perform it, I'm not nervous at all (that was an amazing day, that day... XD) and it's just the most beautiful song ever written.
Plus my favorite singers singing it!! Too bad Super Junior wasn't too lol... XD
Yeah... that made my day, yesterday.
I'm just a big bundle of confused and nervous nerves right now. I'll probably cry at the airport when my dad drops us off, being the baby I am. I've never flown international without my parents, but I am 17... isn't it okay to be scared? Being entrusted to take card of two younger girls, passports, visas, lots of money, phone cards, licenses etc... ohgosh that makes me feel worse.
But... but... DUDE I AM GOING TO KOREA!!!! XXDD
Goodbye, everyone, until late August! (If I come back no just kidding XD)
*waving from the airplane*
Saturday, July 5, 2008
My 4th of July (CRAZY! XD)
We had a huge barbeque with all our nearby friends and neighbors!! Eisenman, Shaw, Hishinuma, Kikuchi, Mims, Mori, Hughes... Even Mr. Rosenblum and the Dursts came later!!! It was so awesome.
Mr. Mims and I played a saxophone + piano duet of "My Country Tis of Thee" yups... then I played like every song I knew lol ><; I messed up so bad... the newest song I know (just for fun, took like three minutes! :D) is" If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof XD I love that song! Then we noticed something was very, very wrong.
My dog was missing. The fireworks make him bark, and he must've run down the street to I dunno... get to them.
So instead of a big dinner barbeque, me my two little sisters and I ran off around the block, down the street, shouting for Jake our little Welsh corgi. I rode a lil kid's bike down to the main street, around the block, even all the way to school and back but couldn't find any sign of him. I was wearing my glasses so I could actually SEE, and also my big purple helmet so I must've looked stupid and ugly. These Mexican girls laughed at me as I rode past. Just for that, I wished I had enough willpower in me to starve myself.
But HAAAHHH I'm not bent by those around me that give in to the horrible, "skinny is beautiful" and beauty is everything American culture!!!!!!
I'm bent to the Asian one =(
Anyway... God gave me a chance to pucker up my courage and actually ASK someone nearby if they'd seen Jake. These two girls playing ball accidentally kicked the ball into the street, which I was just jay-riding across. I kicked it back and asked them. They were so nice! Thank you, God<3 But no, they hadn't seen them. I rode home, my dad was just leaving in the car, I jumped in, we picked up my lil sister Kristy on the way (near tears) saw Misa (crying) riding her bike near school, drove even to the big main street but aw man if he made it that far, he'd be run over for sure.
I prayed to God that I was sorry for all the times I yelled at him, kicked him, scolded him (I'M HORRIBLE!!!! It was because he was scratching, eating himself because of the fleas!!!) and said if we found him alive, I'd never scold him/treat him badly again.
The last thing I wanted was to find Jake dead. Road kill. And it wasn't even because of the sight of him, or the loss of him maybe... but because he's Misa's happiness... I think that'd be the end of Jake died, for her. And then... I dunno... I realized that the happiness of others around me was my happiness.
We go home. Misa's still riding her bike far away. Everyone at the barbeque asks if we found him. Nope. We get out, and dad goes to the van.
"Hey maybe he's in the van, locked in?" he asks. It was possible... he jumps in the van whenever he has the chance, he likes it that much. My dad opened the door.
"It sure smells like him..." Yeah, Jake really stinks because of his... "disease." My dad collapsed the middle seat to look in the back.
"JAAAKKKEEEE!!!!!! *strangled scream* OHMYGOD JAKE'S HERE, HE'S IN THE VAN!!! WE FOUND HIM!!!"
Every single person at the barbeque must've crowded around the van as Jake peered at them, like he had just been sleeping. Sleeping on a book for crying out loud, in the back seat of Shun-san (my our Honda Oddyssey's name <3) I race off to get my sister, nearing Hesperian. I scream and scream her name but she doesn't hear me until I'm right behind her, and then she doesn't say anything as we go home. I didn't understand... but... at least Jake's safe... ^^
The barbeque continues!! I feel sick at the thought of food these days, so I skip dinner though I'm so hungry after biking/sweating/worrying. I just drink water. Everyone else is done with food. It's still bright. I play more piano, trying to squeeze out "Sakura" "Sen no Kaze ni Natte" "Amazing Grace" and stuff... I wish I had friends that played music like me. It's sad to do solo unless it's an amazing song. I wish I had friends (I do... but.. like Hannah's in college, and is PRO VIOLIN no time to com eover to high schooler's house and just... play. She's my teacher, anyway ^^) that played violin, or guitar, or even piano too, or VIOLA, cello, harmonica, or SOMETHING. I'm lonely in terms of people like me =(
Oh yeah, I recorded the last parts of "Doushite Kimi wo..." piano tutorial with firework and talking bg noises... ^^
When the Dursts arrive, it's dark enough for fireworks!!! From then it was just crazy. Um, fireworks are illegal where we live but we always do them. HA. It's not like we're gonna start a forest fire or anything. We did sparklers, and all this stuff I don't know what it's called. I'm gonna make a big video and upload it! :D It was awesome. I screamed so much lol. We jumped over the ones that spout fire and sparks...
Mr. Eisenman and Steven like, lit stuff under this pipe that had a fireworks or PEAR in it, then BOOM it exploded and shot the pear into the air lol. And other things, like rocks? Spattered the rooftops LOLOL. It was funniest when the flaming fireworks they exploded into the air landed right at our feet, to our screams XD Jake was terrified and cowering the whole time, looking for shelter. Dad had to bring him inside.
Aw I wish it wasn't so dark...!! Basically, Mr. Eisenman exploded something I screamed the loudest (only person? ><) and Jake ran off behind us, Misa went to comfort him "He's shivering!!"
After fireworks (we can hardly see other's fireworks, like big ones in the sky but we saw a few ^^) people drifted home, mostly parents. Then us kids played freeze-tag for the first times in months. I'm glad I didn't eat anything, or else I couldn't have run as fast as I did (though that's not very fast ><).
William, Taka, Satomi, Ta-chan, Tomohide, Takahide, Rory, Wonju, and me XD There was lots of screaming (mostly me, I'm so sorry neighbors ><) and running and sweating and hiding and getting tagged lol. Is it possible for the people not "It" to win? The runners lost both times lol. I mostly hid. Under the motorhome with the leaked oil lol, but hey i was completely safe. Last one tagged xp
Second time was terrifying! Would've been more, if Mr. Eisenman was It (OMG) but I went in to pray with my family for 7 minutes, and after he didn't want to be It anymore so Takahide was it, but Mrs. Hishinuma didn't want us to go in the back anymore because we scream too much (I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!) so we played in the front. It was pretty scary, dodging and hiding behind cars and trampolines and stuff lol... if you get tagged three times you get to be It too ^^
I couldn't take it anymore I dove under the trailer to hide lol, Takahide was so fast and scary!!!! I caught my breath, looked at my watch, then snuck out, terrified. When I heard footsteps I curled into a ball and hoped it wasn't the It person.
But it was, when I looked up.
"Hi..." he said, waving, LOL.
I SCREAMED and ran away, and i was amazed i got away...!? for a bit... maybe he did tag me but i didn't feel it. well i kept running, screaming, then looked back thinking he wasn't chasing anymore but then he said something and omg he was right there so i gave a burst of speed and then repeated it, thinking he'd stopped chasing but then LOLOL tagged.
Crazy, crazy... XD
William was tagged last, and we lost again. Everyone was shining with sweat lol, and it's all dark and cool outside!
We played card games until Takahide and Tomohide had to go inside... well then we played more, then i realized i had lost my watch. i kinda need that watch, with its timer, light, underwater capabilities and date and TIME der, the pink one that's sometimes shown in my piano videos lol ^^ i went to look for it myself, saying it's okay they could continue playing cards and i could look by myself. But then...
"Too bad, we're coming anyway!" Taka said.
OMG I was... touched...
Friends.
We didn't find it, (this morning, on the 5th, even i still can't find it) but that time with my neighbors/friends was awesome and i'm so happy to be me.
Satomi, Taka William and I stayed up until 1:20 am outside, the latest any of us have been outside without parents!!!! Lots of firework SOUNDS, we watched and tried to flare the fire back up, sat at the table, talked about Harry Potter, and everyone was waiting for ME to say the words "I wanna go inside" LOL. I was most tired (my stomach hurt so bad, I was so hungry [no dinner, right] thirsty and i had never run that much for... YEARS.) and it was cold now, and stuff... yeah we all went in ^^ No one was tired but me lol xp
Once, my mom came out in her pajamas and was squinting at us like "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS STILL DOING OUTSIDE?" but I talked our way out and we stayed outside lol XD William was like, "High five!"
The best 4th of July, ever. Just one thing that could've improved it... Having the One Heart people here. Justin, Jean, Motoyasu... then it would've been fuller and hopefully better? =)
I love my family, friends and neighbors so much ♥
Mr. Mims and I played a saxophone + piano duet of "My Country Tis of Thee" yups... then I played like every song I knew lol ><; I messed up so bad... the newest song I know (just for fun, took like three minutes! :D) is" If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof XD I love that song! Then we noticed something was very, very wrong.
My dog was missing. The fireworks make him bark, and he must've run down the street to I dunno... get to them.
So instead of a big dinner barbeque, me my two little sisters and I ran off around the block, down the street, shouting for Jake our little Welsh corgi. I rode a lil kid's bike down to the main street, around the block, even all the way to school and back but couldn't find any sign of him. I was wearing my glasses so I could actually SEE, and also my big purple helmet so I must've looked stupid and ugly. These Mexican girls laughed at me as I rode past. Just for that, I wished I had enough willpower in me to starve myself.
But HAAAHHH I'm not bent by those around me that give in to the horrible, "skinny is beautiful" and beauty is everything American culture!!!!!!
I'm bent to the Asian one =(
Anyway... God gave me a chance to pucker up my courage and actually ASK someone nearby if they'd seen Jake. These two girls playing ball accidentally kicked the ball into the street, which I was just jay-riding across. I kicked it back and asked them. They were so nice! Thank you, God<3 But no, they hadn't seen them. I rode home, my dad was just leaving in the car, I jumped in, we picked up my lil sister Kristy on the way (near tears) saw Misa (crying) riding her bike near school, drove even to the big main street but aw man if he made it that far, he'd be run over for sure.
I prayed to God that I was sorry for all the times I yelled at him, kicked him, scolded him (I'M HORRIBLE!!!! It was because he was scratching, eating himself because of the fleas!!!) and said if we found him alive, I'd never scold him/treat him badly again.
The last thing I wanted was to find Jake dead. Road kill. And it wasn't even because of the sight of him, or the loss of him maybe... but because he's Misa's happiness... I think that'd be the end of Jake died, for her. And then... I dunno... I realized that the happiness of others around me was my happiness.
We go home. Misa's still riding her bike far away. Everyone at the barbeque asks if we found him. Nope. We get out, and dad goes to the van.
"Hey maybe he's in the van, locked in?" he asks. It was possible... he jumps in the van whenever he has the chance, he likes it that much. My dad opened the door.
"It sure smells like him..." Yeah, Jake really stinks because of his... "disease." My dad collapsed the middle seat to look in the back.
"JAAAKKKEEEE!!!!!! *strangled scream* OHMYGOD JAKE'S HERE, HE'S IN THE VAN!!! WE FOUND HIM!!!"
Every single person at the barbeque must've crowded around the van as Jake peered at them, like he had just been sleeping. Sleeping on a book for crying out loud, in the back seat of Shun-san (
The barbeque continues!! I feel sick at the thought of food these days, so I skip dinner though I'm so hungry after biking/sweating/worrying. I just drink water. Everyone else is done with food. It's still bright. I play more piano, trying to squeeze out "Sakura" "Sen no Kaze ni Natte" "Amazing Grace" and stuff... I wish I had friends that played music like me. It's sad to do solo unless it's an amazing song. I wish I had friends (I do... but.. like Hannah's in college, and is PRO VIOLIN no time to com eover to high schooler's house and just... play. She's my teacher, anyway ^^) that played violin, or guitar, or even piano too, or VIOLA, cello, harmonica, or SOMETHING. I'm lonely in terms of people like me =(
Oh yeah, I recorded the last parts of "Doushite Kimi wo..." piano tutorial with firework and talking bg noises... ^^
When the Dursts arrive, it's dark enough for fireworks!!! From then it was just crazy. Um, fireworks are illegal where we live but we always do them. HA. It's not like we're gonna start a forest fire or anything. We did sparklers, and all this stuff I don't know what it's called. I'm gonna make a big video and upload it! :D It was awesome. I screamed so much lol. We jumped over the ones that spout fire and sparks...
Mr. Eisenman and Steven like, lit stuff under this pipe that had a fireworks or PEAR in it, then BOOM it exploded and shot the pear into the air lol. And other things, like rocks? Spattered the rooftops LOLOL. It was funniest when the flaming fireworks they exploded into the air landed right at our feet, to our screams XD Jake was terrified and cowering the whole time, looking for shelter. Dad had to bring him inside.
Aw I wish it wasn't so dark...!! Basically, Mr. Eisenman exploded something I screamed the loudest (only person? ><) and Jake ran off behind us, Misa went to comfort him "He's shivering!!"
After fireworks (we can hardly see other's fireworks, like big ones in the sky but we saw a few ^^) people drifted home, mostly parents. Then us kids played freeze-tag for the first times in months. I'm glad I didn't eat anything, or else I couldn't have run as fast as I did (though that's not very fast ><).
William, Taka, Satomi, Ta-chan, Tomohide, Takahide, Rory, Wonju, and me XD There was lots of screaming (mostly me, I'm so sorry neighbors ><) and running and sweating and hiding and getting tagged lol. Is it possible for the people not "It" to win? The runners lost both times lol. I mostly hid. Under the motorhome with the leaked oil lol, but hey i was completely safe. Last one tagged xp
Second time was terrifying! Would've been more, if Mr. Eisenman was It (OMG) but I went in to pray with my family for 7 minutes, and after he didn't want to be It anymore so Takahide was it, but Mrs. Hishinuma didn't want us to go in the back anymore because we scream too much (I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!) so we played in the front. It was pretty scary, dodging and hiding behind cars and trampolines and stuff lol... if you get tagged three times you get to be It too ^^
I couldn't take it anymore I dove under the trailer to hide lol, Takahide was so fast and scary!!!! I caught my breath, looked at my watch, then snuck out, terrified. When I heard footsteps I curled into a ball and hoped it wasn't the It person.
But it was, when I looked up.
"Hi..." he said, waving, LOL.
I SCREAMED and ran away, and i was amazed i got away...!? for a bit... maybe he did tag me but i didn't feel it. well i kept running, screaming, then looked back thinking he wasn't chasing anymore but then he said something and omg he was right there so i gave a burst of speed and then repeated it, thinking he'd stopped chasing but then LOLOL tagged.
Crazy, crazy... XD
William was tagged last, and we lost again. Everyone was shining with sweat lol, and it's all dark and cool outside!
We played card games until Takahide and Tomohide had to go inside... well then we played more, then i realized i had lost my watch. i kinda need that watch, with its timer, light, underwater capabilities and date and TIME der, the pink one that's sometimes shown in my piano videos lol ^^ i went to look for it myself, saying it's okay they could continue playing cards and i could look by myself. But then...
"Too bad, we're coming anyway!" Taka said.
OMG I was... touched...
Friends.
We didn't find it, (this morning, on the 5th, even i still can't find it) but that time with my neighbors/friends was awesome and i'm so happy to be me.
Satomi, Taka William and I stayed up until 1:20 am outside, the latest any of us have been outside without parents!!!! Lots of firework SOUNDS, we watched and tried to flare the fire back up, sat at the table, talked about Harry Potter, and everyone was waiting for ME to say the words "I wanna go inside" LOL. I was most tired (my stomach hurt so bad, I was so hungry [no dinner, right] thirsty and i had never run that much for... YEARS.) and it was cold now, and stuff... yeah we all went in ^^ No one was tired but me lol xp
Once, my mom came out in her pajamas and was squinting at us like "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS STILL DOING OUTSIDE?" but I talked our way out and we stayed outside lol XD William was like, "High five!"The best 4th of July, ever. Just one thing that could've improved it... Having the One Heart people here. Justin, Jean, Motoyasu... then it would've been fuller and hopefully better? =)
I love my family, friends and neighbors so much ♥
Thursday, July 3, 2008
東方神起 - どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？ Piano Tutorial
I promise to make it before I go to Korea next Monday!! For everyone on youtube, xanga, and blogspot asking about it, I will do my best. Right now I have a huge dilemma... I lost my 2GB memory card and have no way to record!! My brother took all the other memory cards to camp and won't be back until SATURDAY, which gives me ONE DAY to record unless I buy a new one. I DID buy one, but IT DIDN'T WORK IN MY CAMERA @#%SFIGNSKGNSHSD We returned it, but my dad hasn't gotten another one for me..
So I'm really sorry I'm taking so long!! Now you know why... x((((
Before I leave for Korea, I HAD wanted to record these:
- Doushite piano tutoral
- Guang Liang's "Tonghua" Full Piano Version
- Rainie Yang + S.H.E. medley
- Jay Chou, Justin Lo, Evan Yo medley
- Super Junior's "Marry U" Piano Accompaniment Vers.
- Super Junior H's "Cooking Cooking" (@#$^#%$% company messed up my order in the mail!!! Ordered 3 weeks ago, now resending it!!!! >:E)
Right now it seems I'll only get "Doushite" done, with the crunch time...!!! I'm so sorry!! But I'll be back in mid August. I'm praying to get a new memory card... I'll stay up all night doing it with my keyboard if I have to... I don't want to disappoint everyone... If I exaggerate a little, I'd say... 884+ people were waiting for me!! O_o;
[edit 6:15pm]
I just wasted three hours of my life, driving my dad down to San Jose then back up to Fremont, thinking we were going to buy a memory card!! But the sale ended, it's $46 now, and my dad said he was NOT gonna pay for that.
Goshdarnsitall. So close... so close... Now we can't even take pictures and videos tomorrow, at our 4th of July BBQ ;( I probably WILL be staying up all night in the "Music Room" recording Doushite, and the other videos... x\
So I'm really sorry I'm taking so long!! Now you know why... x((((
Before I leave for Korea, I HAD wanted to record these:
- Doushite piano tutoral
- Guang Liang's "Tonghua" Full Piano Version
- Rainie Yang + S.H.E. medley
- Jay Chou, Justin Lo, Evan Yo medley
- Super Junior's "Marry U" Piano Accompaniment Vers.
- Super Junior H's "Cooking Cooking" (@#$^#%$% company messed up my order in the mail!!! Ordered 3 weeks ago, now resending it!!!! >:E)
Right now it seems I'll only get "Doushite" done, with the crunch time...!!! I'm so sorry!! But I'll be back in mid August. I'm praying to get a new memory card... I'll stay up all night doing it with my keyboard if I have to... I don't want to disappoint everyone... If I exaggerate a little, I'd say... 884+ people were waiting for me!! O_o;
[edit 6:15pm]
I just wasted three hours of my life, driving my dad down to San Jose then back up to Fremont, thinking we were going to buy a memory card!! But the sale ended, it's $46 now, and my dad said he was NOT gonna pay for that.
Goshdarnsitall. So close... so close... Now we can't even take pictures and videos tomorrow, at our 4th of July BBQ ;( I probably WILL be staying up all night in the "Music Room" recording Doushite, and the other videos... x\
Friday, June 27, 2008
Keudae's Piano Request / To-Do List
Italic means requested~
Jang Riin
- Timeless (x3 -_-)
- Happiness' Left Shore
- I will
w-inds.
- ageha
- Perfect Day
- Kageboushi
- Forever Memories
- Drive-Me-Crazy
Taeyeon
- If (Piano Accomp)
A'st1
- Naega Babo Yeosseo (gurleigurl june 2)
Super Junior
ACOUSTIC GUITAR
SJH
Don't Don, U, Man In Love Tutorials (shadowcat604, june 23-ish)
Believe (KawaiiAi7)
Han Sarammaneul Piano VERS. (kuwaiako) May 1stish... (AIMEE <3)
Don't Don Ballad version (zhynethaj) june 7
zheshaohaiyouni tutorial (darlingdeanne, june 20th)
Redo "You Are The One" and/or "So I" piano versions
TVXQ / Solo:
Tri-Angle
Rainbow
SNSD:
Haptic Motion
Other:
Magolpy - ?? (sexygal90 june 4)
Jay Chou DUET TUTORIAL )Melaniewhispers) July 4th
SHINee - REPLAY (SuJuMaNiA June 20-ish)
SHINee - in my room (tyeon90 june 27)
snsd - oppa nappa (tyeon90 june 27)
Brown Suger Macchiato - Ku Cha (SuJuMaNiA)
Younha - Audition (Time2Rock) ressh14 june 25
Ariel Lin - Lonely Northern Hemisphere, Wang Lan Yin's Practical Joke, or any song from Kiss OST (hallyutwfan june 25)
H.O.T. - Candy (lissbreaks June 10)
Tim - Saranghamnida (wnysera June 11)
Only You by Kim Jong Wook (sweetestvanity jun 11)
처음 느낌 그대로 (ILOVECUMAI, june 13-ish)
Hammer Theme or Super Mario Medley
K-pop, J-pop, American pop medleys
Lina's Rising Sun / O JBH medley
Sen no Kaze ni Natte (for Jap choir moms to practice)
Wonder Girls - Tell Me
Lee Junki - Word (4yipchoclover)
Nell - 멀어지다 (tcmbe June 6)
Jang Riin
- Timeless (x3 -_-)
- Happiness' Left Shore
- I will
w-inds.
- ageha
- Perfect Day
- Kageboushi
- Forever Memories
- Drive-Me-Crazy
Taeyeon
- If (Piano Accomp)
A'st1
- Naega Babo Yeosseo (gurleigurl june 2)
Super Junior
ACOUSTIC GUITAR
SJH
Don't Don, U, Man In Love Tutorials (shadowcat604, june 23-ish)
Believe (KawaiiAi7)
Han Sarammaneul Piano VERS. (kuwaiako) May 1stish... (AIMEE <3)
Don't Don Ballad version (zhynethaj) june 7
zheshaohaiyouni tutorial (darlingdeanne, june 20th)
Redo "You Are The One" and/or "So I" piano versions
TVXQ / Solo:
Tri-Angle
Rainbow
SNSD:
Haptic Motion
Other:
Magolpy - ?? (sexygal90 june 4)
Jay Chou DUET TUTORIAL )Melaniewhispers) July 4th
SHINee - REPLAY (SuJuMaNiA June 20-ish)
SHINee - in my room (tyeon90 june 27)
snsd - oppa nappa (tyeon90 june 27)
Brown Suger Macchiato - Ku Cha (SuJuMaNiA)
Younha - Audition (Time2Rock) ressh14 june 25
Ariel Lin - Lonely Northern Hemisphere, Wang Lan Yin's Practical Joke, or any song from Kiss OST (hallyutwfan june 25)
H.O.T. - Candy (lissbreaks June 10)
Tim - Saranghamnida (wnysera June 11)
Only You by Kim Jong Wook (sweetestvanity jun 11)
처음 느낌 그대로 (ILOVECUMAI, june 13-ish)
Hammer Theme or Super Mario Medley
K-pop, J-pop, American pop medleys
Lina's Rising Sun / O JBH medley
Sen no Kaze ni Natte (for Jap choir moms to practice)
Wonder Girls - Tell Me
Lee Junki - Word (4yipchoclover)
Nell - 멀어지다 (tcmbe June 6)
First Japanese Class!
And only one I'll have before going to Korea aw >< Went to Jeungli's house and had Japanese class with her mom, Tiffany, and Mie!! It was SO fun ♥ We picked out texts we would use, then read this... Buddhism-children-book...
Man I have such a long way to go before I am fluent in Japanese. It's not if I'll become fluent, but when because I know I have to. Korean too.
Also practiced violin... recorded a tutorial for TPL on piano... ^^ i hope it helps everyone...~ tomorrow going to a barbeque with famfam! Then I'll work on Epik High's "One" guitar duet with my brother, and hopefully record "Doushite Kimi wo..." piano tutorial ^^
Vivaldi's "Storm" is so. Amazing. I can't stop listening to it, played by Henry & Joshua Tang... over and over and over... I want to play it so bad... I'm willing to take years to play it, of course... it'll take years to get good enough to join a symphony of any sort, and play Vivaldi.
Oh, yesterday, I was thrilled to hear Mozart's "12 Variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the radio!! Of all the songs they could play, they played the one I had JUST recently heard and gotten addicted to!!
Okay... that song will take a while to learn on piano, but maybe not as long as violin will take >n< both are so hard for me... but so fun and beautiful I'm willing to do anything.
I wanna take my violin to Cheongpyeong lol... on the airplane... XD
After summer, I have to get a job, make money! I need to pay my dad back for Guatemala still, and Cheongpyeong too ($2,000 total goshdarnsitall) and then buy my own better violin, and pay for my own piano lessons with an intense classical teacher. I probably can't support myself with one part time job like that (one more year of high school to go! THEN WHAT!????)
OMG i'm not gonna start thinking about "after high school" right now. Because I'll figure that out in Korea.
Yeah... I'm riding so much on Cheongpyeong... I have a whole list of goals! Including "figuring out the purpose of my life," "making lots of friends," "opening up and being myself" and "learning Korean, Japanese and Chinese" yups.
Anyway, I guess I'll just ramble every single day on blogspot XD ramble ramble...
Oooh I voted for Super Junior as Favorite Artist!! ♥
What else...
Oooh no one beeped at me while I drove today. Definitely a plus. Today was a very good day, in all! Not wasted, for one thing. Video upload... finished "one" tabs... japanese class... violin practice... made an origami panda lol...
Okay yeah I should go to bed now. Enough of staying up until 1am writing blogspot journals and super junior fanfics while listening to Vivaldi XD
Man I have such a long way to go before I am fluent in Japanese. It's not if I'll become fluent, but when because I know I have to. Korean too.
Also practiced violin... recorded a tutorial for TPL on piano... ^^ i hope it helps everyone...~ tomorrow going to a barbeque with famfam! Then I'll work on Epik High's "One" guitar duet with my brother, and hopefully record "Doushite Kimi wo..." piano tutorial ^^
Vivaldi's "Storm" is so. Amazing. I can't stop listening to it, played by Henry & Joshua Tang... over and over and over... I want to play it so bad... I'm willing to take years to play it, of course... it'll take years to get good enough to join a symphony of any sort, and play Vivaldi.
Oh, yesterday, I was thrilled to hear Mozart's "12 Variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the radio!! Of all the songs they could play, they played the one I had JUST recently heard and gotten addicted to!!
Okay... that song will take a while to learn on piano, but maybe not as long as violin will take >n< both are so hard for me... but so fun and beautiful I'm willing to do anything.
I wanna take my violin to Cheongpyeong lol... on the airplane... XD
After summer, I have to get a job, make money! I need to pay my dad back for Guatemala still, and Cheongpyeong too ($2,000 total goshdarnsitall) and then buy my own better violin, and pay for my own piano lessons with an intense classical teacher. I probably can't support myself with one part time job like that (one more year of high school to go! THEN WHAT!????)
OMG i'm not gonna start thinking about "after high school" right now. Because I'll figure that out in Korea.
Yeah... I'm riding so much on Cheongpyeong... I have a whole list of goals! Including "figuring out the purpose of my life," "making lots of friends," "opening up and being myself" and "learning Korean, Japanese and Chinese" yups.
Anyway, I guess I'll just ramble every single day on blogspot XD ramble ramble...
Oooh I voted for Super Junior as Favorite Artist!! ♥
What else...
Oooh no one beeped at me while I drove today. Definitely a plus. Today was a very good day, in all! Not wasted, for one thing. Video upload... finished "one" tabs... japanese class... violin practice... made an origami panda lol...
Okay yeah I should go to bed now. Enough of staying up until 1am writing blogspot journals and super junior fanfics while listening to Vivaldi XD
Thursday, June 26, 2008
今日 :+: 오늘 :+: Today
I'm just getting more fired up about playing violin than ever before, since Sunday. Why?
- The Youth Symphony Orchestra performance in San Fran
- Henry Lau
- Vivaldi's "Storm"
Omg... omg...
I'm so afraid I'll never be good enough.
My violin teacher and ex-violin/guitar teacher is coming for dinner now, and then we're going to jam with everyone, violins, pianos, guitars, drums, vocals, maybe mandolin... omg! :D
I'm praying that I can get better at violin. And piano too. I only just got back into classical music... It's completely grabbed me and dragged me back!!!!!! I can't believe I didn't know how beautiful it was... and how different it sounds when pros play, compared to when I play.
Edit 11:25pm
Okay... today was the longest, weirdest, worst but also awesome day in a while. It started like this...
Sudden: Mom grabs me to go food shopping for tonight's dinner.
Depressing: No work today, with Jean and her dad =\
Hurt: Someone beeped at me while driving x(
Boring: Writing fanfic.
Stressed: Replying youtube comments (haven't been on for six days)
Hyper & Awe-Inspiring: Finding the title to the song Henry auditioned with! Vivaldi's "Summer"! ("Storm?") And also finding covers, in his audition style... Vanessa Mae? Didn't watch her video, but watched shlomomintz's! w;dflan;sjkdvnowuieh XXDD I was so excited!!!! Then...
- Plunge down into horrible defeat & depression: I brake too hard and mom spills her dinner in the car, screaming and scolding me. I make a wrong turn because she's screaming, then she screams at me to turn around, so i do in some parking lot and cut off this guy, who tailgates me. Some other driver beeps at me, edging on tears, but i make it to our destination all right. I drop mom off, then burst into tears on the way home.
I... drive to 오빠's house. I was never supposed to do that again. 오빠는 집에 없지만... i couldn't help it. I park somewhere and just whine and demand from God until i go home. Like, why the heck do I suck at life? Why is it so hard to just, be happy?
I wanted to be locked in a room with some, some robot music teacher that wouldn't let me leave until I was virtuoso at piano and violin. Practice and practice and improve and play every song i've ever wanted to, or else I wouldn't be able to leave the room!! I WANTED THAT. To the point where I could almost die, practicing!!!!! And maybe.. maybe it'd be better if i just locked myself away from the real world and tried by myself, to practice and improve by myself and not show myself or be socially active until I was good enough. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, in worldly perspective (competitive) and for myself. I'm considering starting lessons with Zita...!! After Korea... but...
Why can't I improve at violin!!!!! And piano too!!! I'm so inspired all the time...
Kyuhyun-oppa inspires me to sing. I love. his. voice.
Ryeowook-oppa, Rev. Cotter, pro classical pianists/virtuosos inspire me to play piano, and perform for others.
Super Junior & DBSK inspire me to have fun with music, for others. Performing, expressing yourself through music for others...
Alex Kaneko taught me to put more heart into music, and compose (haven't done either yet, very well -___-)
Henry inspires me to play violin. So does my teacher, Hannah <3 and the youth symphony that i wish i could play like and with. And all these cools songs I listen to everyday, they inspire me so much!!!!!! 12 variations of twinkle twinkle... chopin (seiya-oppa!), vivaldi, bartok (youth symphony)...
With all these inspirations, why the heck can't i improve and fulfill my dreams...!!!??
- Recovering circa 6:30: Feel sick, don't eat dinner, set up music room with kurzweil, guitar and violin... practice 12 variations of twinkle twinkle little star while Mr. Wooton and Hannah (teachers, friends ^^) eat dinner at our house.
- Thrill: From 7:30-ish to 11pm, we ROCKED. Amps, acoustics, drums, strings... These are the musicians that jammed tonight:
Hannah - (virtuoso sunsaengnim, plays everything XD) Guitar, violin, vocals
Mr. Wooton - (virtuoso dude, can play anything too XD) Guitar, piano, bass
Misa - Bass
Justin - Guitar, drums
Jenny (me) - Piano, violin
Jean - Guitar, piano, vocals
Dad - Cameraman XD
Mr. Mims - audience XD
We played songs like the Beatles' "Happy Birthday" was it called? And... others by them. And also "Jammin' with Jimmy" (folk/bluegrass type songs...) Ashokan Farewell, Spanish Flea... Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" too! it was so fun. Mr. Wooton is crazy good! And Hannah too, they're so good at everything. Ear players, yeah! XD
I haven't really, really told anyone about my musical aspirations... no one knows... i practice violin everyday now, but omg i can't feel improvement yet... i should know about patience, after ten years of piano but omg it's so hard... please, Hannah-sunsaengnim, teach me until i am good enough for symphony!!!! i want to be in a symphony so bad, be a part of something, a group of people like me (loves music, musicians...). i don't even have one friend that's enough like me to become close, best friends.
isn't there someone like me out there...? 어디 있어!!?
And now it is 11:50 pm. My eyes hurt >n< I want to play violin like Joshua Tang, Henry Lau, Hannah Van Loon, that viola player (tho... violin ^^;;;;;;) from youth symphony that i couldn't take my eyes off. I want to play beautiful music for others, and do it for the rest of my life, along with translating.
But I'm so afraid I'l never be good enough. That I can't take criticism, that I don't have it in me to be great.
What should I do...?
For now... I will go to bed and try to wake up on the right side. Tomorrow is a new day, right? *sigh* First new Japanese class, 3:30pm tomorrow! Happy about that ^^
Oh... I'm so sorry, Hannah! That I never practiced violin the last several months you gave lessons... I wasn't... "inspired" back then, but now I'm so different. It's like my life depends on improving on violin. I regret not practicing violin when i was younger (first started in 5th grade) soooo badly. But now, yes, I practice everyday or I'll... I'll...!!!!????
AAGHHAGHAGAGAHHHGHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
>_______________________________<
I'll...
I'll try my best... =)
- The Youth Symphony Orchestra performance in San Fran
- Henry Lau
- Vivaldi's "Storm"
Omg... omg...
I'm so afraid I'll never be good enough.
My violin teacher and ex-violin/guitar teacher is coming for dinner now, and then we're going to jam with everyone, violins, pianos, guitars, drums, vocals, maybe mandolin... omg! :D
I'm praying that I can get better at violin. And piano too. I only just got back into classical music... It's completely grabbed me and dragged me back!!!!!! I can't believe I didn't know how beautiful it was... and how different it sounds when pros play, compared to when I play.
Edit 11:25pm
Okay... today was the longest, weirdest, worst but also awesome day in a while. It started like this...
Sudden: Mom grabs me to go food shopping for tonight's dinner.
Depressing: No work today, with Jean and her dad =\
Hurt: Someone beeped at me while driving x(
Boring: Writing fanfic.
Stressed: Replying youtube comments (haven't been on for six days)
Hyper & Awe-Inspiring: Finding the title to the song Henry auditioned with! Vivaldi's "Summer"! ("Storm?") And also finding covers, in his audition style... Vanessa Mae? Didn't watch her video, but watched shlomomintz's! w;dflan;sjkdvnowuieh XXDD I was so excited!!!! Then...
- Plunge down into horrible defeat & depression: I brake too hard and mom spills her dinner in the car, screaming and scolding me. I make a wrong turn because she's screaming, then she screams at me to turn around, so i do in some parking lot and cut off this guy, who tailgates me. Some other driver beeps at me, edging on tears, but i make it to our destination all right. I drop mom off, then burst into tears on the way home.
I... drive to 오빠's house. I was never supposed to do that again. 오빠는 집에 없지만... i couldn't help it. I park somewhere and just whine and demand from God until i go home. Like, why the heck do I suck at life? Why is it so hard to just, be happy?
I wanted to be locked in a room with some, some robot music teacher that wouldn't let me leave until I was virtuoso at piano and violin. Practice and practice and improve and play every song i've ever wanted to, or else I wouldn't be able to leave the room!! I WANTED THAT. To the point where I could almost die, practicing!!!!! And maybe.. maybe it'd be better if i just locked myself away from the real world and tried by myself, to practice and improve by myself and not show myself or be socially active until I was good enough. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, in worldly perspective (competitive) and for myself. I'm considering starting lessons with Zita...!! After Korea... but...
Why can't I improve at violin!!!!! And piano too!!! I'm so inspired all the time...
Kyuhyun-oppa inspires me to sing. I love. his. voice.
Ryeowook-oppa, Rev. Cotter, pro classical pianists/virtuosos inspire me to play piano, and perform for others.
Super Junior & DBSK inspire me to have fun with music, for others. Performing, expressing yourself through music for others...
Alex Kaneko taught me to put more heart into music, and compose (haven't done either yet, very well -___-)
Henry inspires me to play violin. So does my teacher, Hannah <3 and the youth symphony that i wish i could play like and with. And all these cools songs I listen to everyday, they inspire me so much!!!!!! 12 variations of twinkle twinkle... chopin (seiya-oppa!), vivaldi, bartok (youth symphony)...
With all these inspirations, why the heck can't i improve and fulfill my dreams...!!!??
- Recovering circa 6:30: Feel sick, don't eat dinner, set up music room with kurzweil, guitar and violin... practice 12 variations of twinkle twinkle little star while Mr. Wooton and Hannah (teachers, friends ^^) eat dinner at our house.
- Thrill: From 7:30-ish to 11pm, we ROCKED. Amps, acoustics, drums, strings... These are the musicians that jammed tonight:
Hannah - (virtuoso sunsaengnim, plays everything XD) Guitar, violin, vocals
Mr. Wooton - (virtuoso dude, can play anything too XD) Guitar, piano, bass
Misa - Bass
Justin - Guitar, drums
Jenny (me) - Piano, violin
Jean - Guitar, piano, vocals
Dad - Cameraman XD
Mr. Mims - audience XD
We played songs like the Beatles' "Happy Birthday" was it called? And... others by them. And also "Jammin' with Jimmy" (folk/bluegrass type songs...) Ashokan Farewell, Spanish Flea... Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" too! it was so fun. Mr. Wooton is crazy good! And Hannah too, they're so good at everything. Ear players, yeah! XD
I haven't really, really told anyone about my musical aspirations... no one knows... i practice violin everyday now, but omg i can't feel improvement yet... i should know about patience, after ten years of piano but omg it's so hard... please, Hannah-sunsaengnim, teach me until i am good enough for symphony!!!! i want to be in a symphony so bad, be a part of something, a group of people like me (loves music, musicians...). i don't even have one friend that's enough like me to become close, best friends.
isn't there someone like me out there...? 어디 있어!!?
And now it is 11:50 pm. My eyes hurt >n< I want to play violin like Joshua Tang, Henry Lau, Hannah Van Loon, that viola player (tho... violin ^^;;;;;;) from youth symphony that i couldn't take my eyes off. I want to play beautiful music for others, and do it for the rest of my life, along with translating.
But I'm so afraid I'l never be good enough. That I can't take criticism, that I don't have it in me to be great.
What should I do...?
For now... I will go to bed and try to wake up on the right side. Tomorrow is a new day, right? *sigh* First new Japanese class, 3:30pm tomorrow! Happy about that ^^
Oh... I'm so sorry, Hannah! That I never practiced violin the last several months you gave lessons... I wasn't... "inspired" back then, but now I'm so different. It's like my life depends on improving on violin. I regret not practicing violin when i was younger (first started in 5th grade) soooo badly. But now, yes, I practice everyday or I'll... I'll...!!!!????
AAGHHAGHAGAGAHHHGHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
>_______________________________<
I'll...
I'll try my best... =)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Youth Symphony Orchestra
Last Sunday (instead of going to church) I went to San Francisco with my friend and family to see the Youth Symphony perform at Davies Symphony Hall in San Francisco.
They kinda, um... dramatically changed and influenced my life.Especially the viola player. In a good, challenging, exciting and amazing yet terrifying, depressing sort of way.
It changed, or rather... added to my list of dreams.
Will I... ever be good enough...?
They kinda, um... dramatically changed and influenced my life.
It changed, or rather... added to my list of dreams.
Will I... ever be good enough...?
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