Cheongpyeong 126th Int. 2nd Gen 40 Day Workshop [Part 1]

Duration: July 9 - August 18, 2008

Prologue ^^;

I wrote out and nearly filled three journals during these 40+ days, so I'll look through and condense it to type up and share ^^ Here goes...
If any BCs read this, maybe my first attitude would be surprising... XD but I promise, my attitude gets better ^^

July 8, 2008
Left with Jessica and Rebecca (twins!) from San Francisco International Airport to Incheon International ^^ I couldn't tell them apart, but within a week I could ^^ Surprisingly, I didn't cry when we had to part with my dad at the security check-in place... ^^;
On the airplane, listened to these cool new songs/artists! I know that airplanes turn the real, Korean/Chi/Jap titles into weird translations... x\

Da Mouth - I Like You (thought it sounded like 누난 너무 예뻐!?)
Jason Chan - Be Strong (sounds exactly like K's song from One Litre of Tears? COVER!?)
Yoon Do-Hyun Band (Vol. 7 - Why) - 아리랑 (LOVED THIS VERSION <3)
Rain - I'm Coming (only listened because featured TABLO-Oppa <3)
Tony An - Melody (ft. SAT) (Loved this too X3)
The Spill Canvas - All Over You (heard in America on radio before... xp)
Spitz - Sazanami
Moriyama Naotarou - Ba-su@dei (weird title, but loooove Naotarou-san always <3)
Kelly Pan - Don't Say I'm a Mad Shopper (LOL wtheck XD)
Tank - Street King
Yiruma - When the Love Falls
Kim Kwangjin - A Song of Happiness (MOST FAVORITE <3)
Shin Hyesung - I Luv You
Lee Seunggi - Smile Boy (Liked a lot <3)
Nell - Reality of Reality (I know someone requested me to play piano for one of Nell's songs...)
George Winston - Variations of Pachelbell Canon (beautiful)

I learned that exit is 비상구 in Korean ^^We flew at 38,997 feet! 978km XD Our seats were 44A-C ^^ OKAY I said I would condense!! ><; Well, lunch was bibimbap <3 I really missed my parents already. Felt sick at dinner with that no-appetite feeling from the past week.
Landed in Korea, so excited, 11 hours later. Nervous too, flying international by ourselves! I'm only 17, okay! Old for some tho right... argh i'm immature and have self-esteem problems lol ><; Anyway!! Right after exiting the airplane, we were hit with a wave of humid hot air that we'd been dreading would make us suffer for 40 days lol. We got in all right with our visas etc... then found the Seil Travel bus driver guy, and met two girls from Hong Kong, going to our workshop too!!
We met Sharon and Grace Lai!!!
We stayed friends throughout the whole workshop!! Tho I felt out of place a lot because Rebecca and Jessica could speak Cantonese and Mandarin, and of course they could too... and I was non Chinese, heta-Japanese and completely non-Asian looking. Yeah I don' t look like the half-Japanese I am. One girl later said I looked completely European! =\
I thought Sharon was the famous Japanese guitarist from youtube that made the English version of SHINee's Replay XD
Also met Isun from England!! And Eunhye, Soonhwa and Bernard from Dominican Republic!! Went on the bus together, 1 1/2 hours later after sleeping to SJM, arrived at break place where there was no toilet-paper. I wondered if Junsu-oppa ever traveled the roads of the cities we just passed. Then, Cheongpyeong!
Um... I had never been so sweaty, exhausted, thirsty, and sleepy yet excited in my whole life.
Met Moon-kangsanim, bought private lockers, registered/paid, then rolled suitcases (+ violin) up huge hill, sweating like crazy in the heat of midnight O_____<; Met Nina-onni, later found out she was SEIYA'S OLDER SISTER!!! Got two sleeping bags, go to room with many sleeping girls and plop down, exhausted though it's probably daytime in America.
[the following is a direct transcript of what I wrote in my journal, translated from Korean/Japanese]
I want to cry. Why did I come here!? WHY!? I didn't expect anything like this!! I want to go home already. I'm afraid of thieves, everyone, no sleep, no dryness, no happiness. Will I be miserable? Why have I come!? I want to cry.
[End]

July 9th [Day 1] I Want To Go HOME
During the first Korean lecture, I thought this:
I hate not understanding his Korean. Korean. Listening with a radio. 싫어!
Later:
I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE!
Okay, stressing to write b4 forgetting. Woke up 4:30am, surprised how awake I could be. White shirt. So hot, hunger pains, no shower... Hoon dok he reading the peace messages. My Friend Joe exercises XD Cleaning duties. OMG Winna and Harumi and Karen are here!!! HAD NO IDEA!!!!
When I climbed the mountain, I sweat gallons, breathed hard, legs shook, felt like gonna faint. Wanna die, burst into tears!! Prayed at the tol. I've forgotten my goals, my purpose of coming. Wrote them down, but don't have them with me. I wanna go home. I feel miserable. Wanna go home.
But I'd die from guilt. My mom and dad paid $2,000+ for me to come here, FOR NOTHING.
Makes me wanna cry even more.
I hated walking up and down the hill. Today too. Sweating gallons just sitting in the shade. After lunch went to tower and store. Store is awesome with blasting icy AC, tons of awesome stuff, music! I didn't buy anything.
If I call my parents, like Jessica and Rebecca did after the store, I think I'd burst into tears and beg to go home. Really. All day I was like that.
But I'd die from guilt. So basically, I'm stuck here.
I'll never waste money again. If I don't fulfill my goals, I'll give Daddy back every penny for everything. I'm so afraid.
Korean class after HDH at 5:45am
접수 - registration.
강의(실) - lecture (room)
Breakfast. Force down raisin bread and warm milk (ew). There are no anpan like I'd been looking forward to. No appetite but starving. Huge cafeteria.
Oh yeah. Took shower. Was better than how I dreaded, but still scary. everyone so shameless!! So embarrassed, but turning the water to the coldest setting at the last minute felt soooo good. Nearly slipped and broke my neck after xp.
Immediately after the shower, I sweated and stunk. ARGH!
Seriously, when I forgot my towel and had to all the way back down the hill, I wanted to die. Really. Rather than suffer 40 days like this, die and end it all! At least I can sleep and not sweat.
Maybe not, actually... xnx;
The thought of 39 more days like this made me want to burst into tears.
Chanyang. I was SO AMAZED at the beginning. Like... the main vocalist calling out something in Korean, then everyone yells "YAH!" and it echoes loudly and then claps three times and something else and then the keyboardist comes in, then the drums and i can't follow anything. BUT IT WAS SO COOL.
But I know NOTHING of the lyrics. Feel horrible. But the team is so cool...
But before CY, there were three people on stage. Korean middle, English translator on left, Japanese translator on right. Well, the right was supposed to translate into Japanese, right? But he translated into ENGLISH right after the English translator did! Everyone burst out laughing lol it was so funny/cute XXDD
Translators are so cool.
OMG just realized now. maybe seeing these translators @ work (volunteer...) will influence me to deduce that the purpose of my life is to translate? But there are also musicians...
I asked a girl if it was too late to join. She said there were too many people, no opening yet.
I WANNA CRY.
I wish my family was here to suffer with me.
Chanyang was the best part of today.
[umm... my journal entries are soooo mixed up! i mean, one day is full of yesterdays and stuff... ><;]

July 10th [Day 2]
Happy B-day, Heechul-oppa ^^
HDH, sing weakly, pledge, learning how to bow, not able to find the page in my book because mine's different. So ahrd to stay awake. girl next to me helped me find page.
All day yesterday I wanted to cry. I miss my parents. Rather than stay here I want to die!! I can't handle it. I hate everything. I want to sleep. Yesterday we did "Devotion." Samishiri? Weed picking. Bus ride was the only good part. Sweat shows through my pants. The main Korean leader dude there did mostly everything, though there were like 50+ of us.
I want to speak Korean so bad.
The climb up the mountain was killer as usual. But this time I bottled the Water of Life. I prayed for no more stomach problems cuz yesterday, I felt really. Really. SICK. Couldn't eat anything, threw dinner away. Jessica and Rebecca filled my water for me. Sooo thankful cuz so thirsty but too sick to even stand. I drink lots. Then they bought me a ORANSSHI SODA. I wanted to cry. They're the most beautiful hearted girls I know. I drank it and felt better, really...!!! =D
But I still wanna go home, thinking I can't live 40 days here.
Today's breakfast, felt a lot better. Like the milk now ^^
Morning Chanyang (CY abbrev.) (OMG- 한국어 너무 아름다워!) i became different. I almost memorised one first full verse, so i sang that (can reach all the notes of the verse, even with my awful low voice!). i willed the evil spirits out of me, losing my self-consciousness. I was proud and thankful to be a part of this, having the blessing to do this.
Yeah, CY is the best part of each day. I thought i'd be tired of it most, an dlike the SERVICE PROJETS th emost, but it's completely OPPOSITE XD
A lecture by... Rev.... AGH! I can never hear their names! I dunno!! but he had nice powerpoint, all in beautiful Korean <3 Translation through radio. Argh I wish I was good enough to do that... ZOMG he talked about the food and music festival!! I'M SO EXCITED AND SINCE THE FIRST DAY I CAME HERE, I DIDN'T FEEL UNBEARABLY SLEEPY!
At lunch, met Daehi and his wife!!! =D and I was hungry again! i'm so happy!!! i'm not sick anymore!! my prayers @ JSW, Tree of Blessing, and Water of Life are anwered!! I Feel so good!! the food was good!! Miso soup, tonkatsu, purple rice, kimchi and veggies <3
When we leave lunch, this tiny blond kid chases us (Screaming) and like, punches and grabs us... really funny... got a picture...
go to store. wanna buy pledge in Korean and presents for family, ice cream, but buy nothing yet ^^
Walk around with Reb/Jes talking excitedly about SuJu, the concert, SHINee, GAAAHH SO EXCITED XXDD
Journaling at JSW, read DP for 2 hours, break, excercise (LOL, August) then we rearranged into new groups. Now we're all split up (when i refer to "we" i mean Sharon, Grace, Jessica Rebecca and I.)
I thought I heard Thomas call "Seiya" but not sure =\ Seiya, the Chopin pianist, is here?! (Still, I didn't know Nina was his sister...)
@ Chanyang *goshdarnsitall* i was half-asleep. Couldn't even hum (still don't know words) and couldn't keep my eyes open. Winna had to move my hand cuz I kept slapping my face when everyone else was on neck LOLOL XP.
Go down to Jeongshimweon to pray. Then up for HDH. Then down to close. I CAN'T STAND HOW MANY TIMES WE DO PLEDGE!!!! XNX; up to our sleeping room, want to collapse. Didn't brush teeth. just lay in bed. Groups are supposed to close/talk, but we don't have groups yet so go to sleep. I wanna be in Sharon, Grace, Jes/Reb's group...
I stink so bad. I looked into the mirror and saw hos seriously hideous I was and it doesn't feel like I'm getting skinnier even though I'm eating only a little, sweating gallons, and exercising 24/7.
And I'm so jealous of the pianist for our Int. group!!!!! XP
But I sleep like that *snaps*
Um... 神様。。。　今。。。　今すぐ殺して下さい｡　もうやりたくない｡　完璧な기도 생활을 없다고 미안합니다. 바보같은　バカな　uglyな　USELESS　내가 살고 미안합니다. HDH을 했는 때 30min ago에 寝てしまって　미안합니다.
I'm sorry I don't have the same prayer life as this girl. (she woke me, asked if I knew where we were on the page, I said yes but i didn't know, & she snorted and looked away.
I was so tired, I couldn't stand it and stay awake. But I Was wide awake after that. After that, the girl on my left suggested me to read th eCP book we got where it says "do not fall asleep."
Um... at Jeongshimweon, it was all I could do not to cry. Eyes/throat burning. Forehead sweating. Not tired.
I'm waiting for group meetings so we can go to sleep and i can cry into my nonexistant pillow.
Didn't shower today. Tomorrow An Shi Il. Also b-day party. But all I can think about and want to do is go straight home, on the airplane BY MYSELF, and cry the whole way.
Please...!? I want to die I want to sleep I miss my parents I want to be HAPPY!!!!
Some people here care more about hair and shower. At least I gave my all in CY, and going up and down the hill... (sweat = proof)
I miss piano. guitar. violin. home.
I miss THE COMMUNITY THAT KNOWS AND LOVES ME. Younghi, Mr. Townsend, Eisenmans, Cotters, Kikuchi, Mims, EVERYONE I'VE NEVER SPOKEN OTO!! I've never realized how Much i love and miss them!!!
I Want to run, run with my weak self down the road and out of CP, home. Or anywhere in Korea. Mabe I'd lose weight running, lost in the Korean countryside, away from fear.

July 11 [Day 3]
Horrible waking up; getting tired now. Blue skirt, whit eblouse. An Shi Il NO DIFFERENT than NORMAL DAYS WTHECK.
I didn't know you pronounced "eight" without the last "ㅂ" o_<;
Guess what. Last night I didn't cry. Because I was too tired.
Yesterday a lady fainted after CY.
Today, spent the longest time at the Holy Ground. Saw the Palace on the way down when fog cleared. There was no milk left at breakfast, but I got sweet yummy juice <3
We (Jessica, Rebecca and me. Always together) pray, lauch about constipation. I stink so bad. Sweating is embarrassing, especially at CY when we do 허리 xp Memorizing more and more lyrics yay. This lady was crying/whining after CY, as other tried to help her...
At special lecture, shared my radio with lady from Malaysia...? My radio was only non-staticy when I was holding it with both hands and LOOKING AT IT. OMG SO FRUSTRATED. So sleepy. My back hurts. So TIRED. At least no sweat in the AC room.
Then omg i couldn't stand my radio and just gave the thing to the lady to use by herself, and i understood no more of the lecture. Just suffered through pure Korean that I couldn't understand. my head itches like crazy.
Yeah this translator is kinda slow, sighing like he doesn't even want to do it. Yesterday's translator was GOOD *Jealous*
At 1:30 I heard electric guitar and drum sounds coming from the CY room! So i went down and listened... I think someone broke their leg. He was being supported by two guys.
난 청평에서 신기오빠 같은 사람이 있어라도 생각했어. 모두 사람은 신기오빠 같지 않습니다. 진짜. BTA 사람 같아? 아니. 아니!!
BTA와 BAFC교회 사람을 보고 싶다.
Right now I'm bored.
"죽을 만큼 보~고~싶다..."
[どう～して。。。　君を好きになってしまったんだろう…<3」
ピアノを本当に本当に弾きたい。　=(　いつもいつも誰かが弾いているよ…X(　
I know some people are going to STF in a few days. I won't see them for a very, very long time.
さよなら｡
さよなら、오빠.

「どう～して。。。」

やんなっちゃうよ｡　また泣きそうになってしまったよ｡　
지금부터 내일 생일 파티의 perf을 연습 하겠습니다.

[right here i wrote rainiy night, sakura, evergreen lyrics lol...]

[okay, i'm not condensing anything, seriously. so now, i'll do bullet points]
- I want to feel better, do these 40 days with more heart for my future husband. I realized this. "Maybe... I came here for my husband...?" It really H.I.T. me.
- Out of nowhere, I felt God tell me, "It's okay."
- The B-day party was crazy!! Yummy sponge bake, McCol, group performances (ours... um... ><;) was funny! THE BEST WAS THE KOREAN GROUP'S, WHERE THEY ACTED OUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN CP THEN ANGELS POPPED OUT AND WERE LIKE, "안돼!" XD Also the dance remix of Grace of the Holy Garden! XD THE FINALE, OMG the Kangsanims!!! They're a rock band!!! MOSH PIT! XD

- two day workshop began
- fell asleep during lecture but then he said "music festival" and i was like WHOA WHAT!?"
- this CY session was truly the best I was ever a part of so far. so many new people... but really, i was gonna die if i didn't sleep soon.
- haven't had a pillow here but i sleep just fine. shinu gurai tsukareteru kara.
- the sisters don't seem to want to be here, are always sleeping with their heads down on their desks. but the brothers on the other hand, they read aloud during hdh, sing really loud and clap louder, volunteer for things, do the silly exercises whole-heartedly, and.. are simply, good!

Solidified goals for this workshop, for me:
- preparation for the Matching, Blessing
- memorize all the song lyrics & pledge
- find the purpose of my life
- become the best me possible. best daughter, sister, friend i can be
- get a haircut
- lose lots of weight.

I just want to be kind, warm, friendly, amazing, beautiful-inside & outside for my husband...

July 12 [Day 4]
Here, in Korea, with the prospect of spending 36 more days, I almost believe that I could do an International Blessing and be okay, away from my parents. But I don't think I realize: it's forever. 永遠に｡　영원히.

I'm definitely a morning person in CP. It's getting easier to wake up and stay awake. BUt at night, I'm DEAD.
Talked about constipation and homeschooling. Then CY.
Daemonim spoke to us! I was so tired and squished by people but didn't fall even half-asleep. Then ANOTHER CY! WTHECK!? But it was the loudest, most whole-hearted one ever for me. I sing all the high notes I can and clap hard, not fall even half-asleep, but we didn't do lower back and hacheh this time =\?
I wanted to cry when we prayed after. Then "Hallelujah..." whoa... moving...
I hate my hair. Where's the barber?
I'm afraid to call ome. Don't have a card yet, but... I'll still cry I know it. And I'm afraid for my batteries.
It feels like all the people here, especially moms/gandmas/dads etc... HATE US. Or AT LEAST, JUST ME.
And... I feel like... the true BCs are at home... HOME, in BAFC. Deanne and Kwanchai, David Lapres, One-Hyun and Robert... also 1st gen. They love EVERYONE. I feel hated here. By everyone and I feel it's because... argh omg i can't stand it... i feel they hate and judge me ebcause i'm ugly and not full asian!! like... like... i'm supposed to be beautiful because i'm a bc, but i'm NOT so they hate me or something... i want to believe it's just evil spirits inside me, and satan tellingm e these things but it feels like... me.

this morning, breakfast was anko bread. happy... <3
Climbing the mountain kills me, kills me every morning. sweating, breathing hard, legs screaming. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE PREGNANT LADIES DO IT TOO. I JUST CAN'T.
I've killed like 5 mosquitoes, just sitting here.
at lunch, Olivia started crying because she realized we had just done ancestor liberation andshe hadn't known it... Sharon and Jessica and Rebecca consoled her (me and Grace didn' tknow what to do ><) Sharon said that once, her dad SLEPT THROUGH ONE LOL XXDDD then the twins bought her the same drink they bought me.
They're the kindest two girls i've ever met.
I sweat.
*I mean swear!
they say sorry and thank you to everything and everyone!! they're insanely kind, generous, polite and cute. they talk a mix of chi/jap/eng at home lol!
It's odd to hear the pianist or drummer mess up during CY.
The airplane/bus ride home will be so good. I'm so random.
I went to Jeongshim tower, these two guys came and I felt like they wanted me out so I LEFT HMPH. Then they started SINGING. So I recorded it lol from outside. Their voices floated and echoed and harmonized in the tower lolol XD
I took lots of pictures and videos today. I really want to show them to my parents, family, neighbors... I miss them <3
I'm glad I'm used to things here for now... I just can't believe there's 36 days left. It's the longest time I've been away from my parents, 40 days... thousands of miles away, too ><; My limits are tested everyday! Stamina, thirst, sleep, will to try to be happy...
whenever people nearby laugh, i think they're laughing at ME. like... "how did a bc get THAT ugly!?" or something... x(
Jessica and Rebecca are fearless! they ask anybody around about detergent, chairs, etc... in any language too! but they apologize too much xp
THEN OMG! I updated my journal at 10:45pm like this:
I'mexcitedrightnowcompletelytoutterrubbishstutterbecauseI SIGNED UP FOR CHANYANG AAGHHH!!!! Kohwa's so nice!! Kinesha tooo!! OMG I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD BUT KOHWA SAID I PROLLY MIGHT GET IN CUZ PIANISTS LACK!!! I MEAN ARE FEW!!!!! I'm not even tired anymore though I RAANN up and own the hill today, IN THE RAIN!! Feeling ever more excited for the rest of the 40 days!!!! THANK YOU, 神様！!!!！

July 13 [Day 5] Fun Rainy Day
It's so cool to watch CY practice. I'll be with them soon I hope!! XD
At HDH i learn nothing. I'm not even trying to listen my head is going "------------" and i'm too tired.
okay yesterday, in the laundry room (sweated about a gallon in 5 minutes) we asked like five people on how to use the machines. it rained really hard, we met kaori-san (she ignored me, just focused on jessica an drebecca though i was right there. she left without even meeting me, so rebecca was like "hey wait, this is Jenny!" to her lol omg...)
Ran in the rain to pray, get laundry, then rush back for CY... sounds so stressful, yeah? But it was SO. FUN. CRAZY. FUN <3
A couple days ago, we ended DP reading on the page with my bookmark. I set that bookmark like a year ago O_O whoa!
I'm trying to do my best at Chanyang, singing loud, clapping hard, repentful, grateful thoughts while trying to remember the lyrics perfectly...
OH!
These days, I wake up in the middle of the night, half asleep, because i hear so much talking around me. the room feels huge, and is a dark blue color. it's like everyone's awake and talking but the room is dark. it's just like what happened in SFP 2006, when lack of sleep, food and water and ehaustion made me... spiritually open...!?
COOL!!
Brothers are so good... so many volunteered for representative prayers, unlike sisters... like me ><
I'm thinking about the Blessing a lot.
And also about how much free time I'll have to sacrifice to do CY team. But fulfilling my promise and making my parents happy and proud, doing it for everyone, for God, myself too, the satisfaction and fulfillment of doing it... I HAVE TO!!! =D
Before CY, 동산의 노래 is too. beautiful. a capella, echoing, mix of sisters and brothers voices... so beautiful.
Someone here looks like Emmeline Yoo from YT/FB! Met Heejin... used to know her from our church...?
"We've got the spirit, yes we do; we've got the spirit, how 'bout you!!?????" My Friend Joe too XP
OMG SHARON AND GRACE'S $600 WERE STOLEN!!! AND SOMEONE ELSE'S $300!!! AND THOMAS-OPPA'S CELLPHONE!!!
I'M TERRIFIED, and ALSO FEEL HORRIBLE FOR THOSE PEOPLE!!
Kristy's pony watch is getting permanently foggy with mist and moldy too...!! O_O;
OMG when I listen to CY/practice, and the brother playing piano for our gruop's singing (OHC style, but with piano.) I'm SO JEALOUS. I MISS PIANO SO MUCH. It's been a whole week, though it feels like i don't even play piano!!! I have to play soon. it feels like i'm forgetting everything!!! *horrified* i hope my violin is okay. top floor. the varnish is melting maybe!? why oh why do we get the top floor...!!?
I loved the weather yesterday. Typhoon/humid/gray/lots of rain. Reminds me of Japan, summer 2003 when we visited. Still sweaty, but it's oh so nice. Esp. rnning through the rain cuz we have to.
Someday... 남편와... <3
Jes/Reb and I raced to our third floor during rush to get laundry. Ran up rainy hill! So. FUN. NOT TIRING. Sweaty like heck, BUT SO FUN!!!
We watched a movie today. GHOST!!! It was so relaxing to just sit in the dark lecture room and go into a different world, a fake world ^^ but.. it broke with like 3 minutes left lol! ><;
I've seen it before, but it's GREAT WITH BCS XD Laughing, grossing out, clapping (when bad guy died XD) got lots of good korean vocab (subs) written down, like real life words!
Met Mr. and Mrs. Hewitt! and Mrs. Rivetti of all people!!!!!! :DDDD SO KIND <3
Am I becoming prettier on the inside...?
LOL OOOHHH At 10:30-ishpm in this night's journal entry, i wrote exactly:
OMG IS NINA SEIYA'S SISTER!?!

July 14 [Day 6] Hospital Checkup + Chanyang Team Rejection
I can't help but feel crushed because I wasn't picked for the CY team. 3 ppl were. Rebecca one of them!! Also the button on my camera broke, but it still works. Fasted breakfast. Prayed a lot. Waited an hour in the CY hall, just watching the CY meeting and practice of the group I'm supposed to be in.
I wanted to be in it so much.
I WANT to be in it so much.

[10:30am at Cheongshimhanbangbyungweon]
A dude (WHITE dude) is talking about medicine and the hospital. hard to stay awake. this hospital is #1 in foreign babies born and foreign patients. cool~
Um... at the CY like half an hour ago, I had the worst thoughts ever. SICKENING!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!! I HATE MY HORRIBLE THOUGHTS!! WHY!??
Sooooo thirsty...!!! so sleepy...
Now watching Spirited away lol!!!! But then our check up... it was pretty weird... embarrassing picture of rib cage or whatever... weight and height (DREADED) urine test (urgh... >n<;) then blood sample (ow) then two chocopies and a maeil milk yay! I think it was the first chocolate i had eaten in a year.
Later I bought a songbook and cream soda drink.
OMG OLIVIA CAN SPEAK PERFECT JAPANEEEEESSE!!!! AAAAGHH!!!!! XD
Talked with Cherisa Hewitt (omg, grown up!) an dJes/Reb babbling about DBSK and SUJU whom Cherisa hates O____<; and Epik High etc...
My elbow... the inside, where they took blood... there's like a pool of green under the skin... O_o and a red line where the needle went... is that bad?
At shower, met a really nice lady who saw how self-conscious I was and said "your towel would do better over there..." but I say it's okay and she say "everyone's the same, there's nothing to be embarrassed about..." ^^

I realized at the 2nd CY of the day, I should be repenting. I should be hitting my feet a lot harder. Repenting for... OMG. When I realized that... I cried a lot. At JWS prayer too.
After I felt a lot better. Like I won't let it happen again.

Later met Erika from Luxembourg! And Soonae from England <3 It made my day when Olivia said I was kawaii. Tho I've been and still will avoid my reflection.
So tired. Resigning for Chanyang list.

July 15 [Day 7] Rejected for Chanyang Team x2
Rebecca has a huge bug bite on her leg!
OMG! Happy 16th Birthday Justin!! (My lil bro) I still remember your hug, from July 8th.. X3
When I try to focus on the page and its words, my eyes go crazy, unable to keep up with the reader and try to shut down.
Kamisama please let someone find and return Sharon and GRace's money!! $600, it's not fair!!

These days, I start thinking like... "what can I do for You, Heavenly Father? What can I do to ease your pain, just a tiny little bit, for a minute? I'm here at your command. I'll do whatever I can for You..."
I haven't slept through any lecture for a few days now. I don't want to stop the shedding of evil spirits...
Please, Kamisama... am I here for my future husband? Do I even have a husband in the future? Why have I come here, to Cheongpyeong?
Got a pink keychain as souvenir from the hospital... <3 the song from the airplane has been playing in my head (as well as TOKIO's "Ambitious Japan" which I woke up with today XD) yeah... "kibuni chowa...~" <3
With song team, we sang as the deer and "Saranghae Tangshineul..." omg so beautiful <3

OUR GOAL HERE, IS TO BECOME TRUE SONGS AND DAUGHTERS OF GOD, says Moon-Kangsanim. =D Find your true identity <-- LFSO, teamwork, sacrifice for the whole.

My arm is green and puffy now...
Met Ran at laundry room; we both needed change for the machines xp she's so cute! it was so hot in there that when we got out, it was like a winter wind outside...
not really xp
Chanyang team = full until further notice.
Crushed.
But I think it's okay... God is here... isn't He? <3
"Taekhashin taekhashin!! ... Hap!! Yeoksa!!!"
This CY session was the least sweaty. They took out a line of sisters so there was room to breathe lol. felt so cleaaaannn esp after shower! but throat parched and right arm aching. then i walked extra to get water from the cafeteria, and i was driping with sweat. "dude it's dark outside." i gulped the bottle of water in ten seconds.
한국어 너무 예뻐서... *singing*

July 16 [Day 8] Soyokaze
I just felt like... I want to give my husband (future) a massage.

On the mountain this morning, all was clear for miles around and there was a HEAVENLY BREEZE. Soyokaze. It felt so. wonderful. I prayed and took pictures for mama and daddy when i go home, to show them.
Two anko breads + milk carton <3 Rebecca hardly with us since she joined CY team, always have to go early.
I bought a phone card of 4 hours and 4 minutes for $10.50 and called Justin to tell him Happy B-day! I almost cried right when Daddy answered...x\ Justin wanted the chords to Suju's "Miracle" O_O; I think I did cry, when mama came on... like a lot... and stayed on the phone for a long time lol...
Stranded under the cover of the steps of the kage, surrounded by... "troubled kids" O_< needed to get away so ran through rain. cleaned up lockers as devotion yay XD Talked with Lisa from... Nevada? =D
I had dinner duties but line for dinner was huge. Then this Korean lady pulled my arm and was ACTED LIKE 'hey, come on...' and pulled me to a secret, shorter line lol!! XD
Dinner duties = long pink rubber apron. Start sweating and picking up dishes (silver platter things...) I thought it'd be bad, but everyone was extremely nice and it MADE MY DAY <3 getting dirty plates!! I couldn't stop smiling!!! I wanted to do it everyday!!!

Last night I fell asleep trying to memorize Dongsaneh Norae with the book in front of me, and I remember someone took the book out of my hand and put it by my bed aw!!! X3
Most awake during DP ever! Read along even, trying to imitate PAtrick-oppa's British accent... x3
Jessica and I went up to the stage to sing with the song team! It was so cool and fun XD

Um... lots of people don't follow the rules.

Three best parts of the day:
<3 soyokaze, asani
<3 dinner dish duties
<3 singing on stage
<3 Winna telling me to remind her to tell Thomas about me playing piano for song team

July 17 [Day 9] Day of Many Tears >n<;
Morning exercises: watched the official video tutorial for Cheongpyeong exercises IT WAS SO FUNNY *tears of laughter* MAINLY BECAUSE OF AUGUST'S COMMENTARY XXDDD I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW FUNNY HE WAS XD
I did everything really quickly so I could sit in the CY hall and memorize Dongsaneh norae for an hour. In CY I was so tired and sleepy. We took individual pictures ><;
My bruise/blood leak thing in my arm is green/brown now. Kristy's watch still misty, moldy at the rim.
I want to study and know Korean.
화장지를 병기안에 버리지마세요.

After lunch, when lots of girls suddenly joined our workshop, I ran to the phone, ready to cry, then burst into tears as I talked to Mama Misa and Kristy. I feel so sressed, tired, eternally hot and so fat and ugly. Everyone's beautiful. I'm trying to make my inside and outside beautiful here... is it working!? Kamisama... jebal... where are You? I want to cry...
Mama told me to pray, go get Water of Heaven, it's too far to come home when you feel like it. I cried and cried... I miss them.
I missed the sisters' bus to Cheong-A camp oops. Went on the brother's bus with other sisters, sat next to Taka Tsuchihara lol ^^ OMG THEY PLAYED SHINee'S "Replay." I would've been extremely excited if Jessica and Rebecca had been there to exclaim it to, and if I hadn't just been crying.
At Cheong-A Camp, start cheering up because the music, K-pop is banging through the speakers throughout the huge room. would've loved it like crazy if I was happy, a song I knew, and I was with more people I knew.
But it was fun...
I screamed/chanted/cheered/did the wave a lot, while juggling my camera and batteries.
Seijin오빠 is full of everlasting energy. Yelling, cartwheeling five times, jumping, joining every single game... omgoodness!

Updated later @ 10:30 exactly like this:

Aw man.
Yeah.
I cried. In public.
First I'll finish about the Sports Festival.
Stretches, DANCING TO KPOP OMG FUN FUN!! Extremely Fun <3 tho i suck XD and basketball games. we cheered a lot... Kinesha, Seijin, other guy and August were our cheerleadesr and tried to rouse up our Team Tongil~
"HWAITING!!"
YMCA, Tell Me, Haptic Motion, Cooking Cooking <-- the songs I recognized and loved!!! <3 Tho SJH didn't sing yoriwang... =\
Took vids of the silly games lol... we rolled a huge bal over our heads, and had shouting contests which our team always always won for some reason... wore long hats, do obstacles, dizzy, dive through tunnel... blow and pop balloon with butt, lie down, on the whistle jump up and run to grab flag, duck flippers and football... freestyle dance not fun for me yeah... I don't like the way some girls danced. Or act in general... ><;
Heejin is my new friend <3
On the bus back, REbecca and I sing "Miracle" XD bus is awesome <3 Shower, laundry, sweat. I got depressed from being so ugly. Up and down hill for laundry yummy dinner.

Updated later because fell asleep when the lights went off.
So, well, we met to break into groups and read about True Father's life instead of do HDH. We had new seats fo keep the order of age in our groups, so I was one back now, in someone else's seat. We were supposed to move. But this person didn't want to, and she came to me and asked me to move back one, but in a way of demanding and knowing that I eventually will and that she can make me, or else she'll get th teacher or something. Like I'm dirt that she can kick around.
I talked back, actually. Quietly. Unconsciously. Like I didn't think about it. Forgot what I said. Olivia, up one to the left now, tried to help, understand what was happening. This girl wanted her spot back because she "likes this chair."
Well, I moved back. Near tears. I looked back for Mina, but... well yeah I moved back one and sat frozen until we were dismissed.
Then, walking, Rebecca joins me and asks what happened. What, was everyone in the room watching or something...? -_-; I try to brush it off like nothing happened because if I open my mouth I'll cry. Then Olivia comes, asks in Japanese if I'm really okay. I nod because my throat is stuck now. Almost, almost to the door and they keep asking me, Olivia saying I don't seem okay, my eyes start stinging...
And I cried, 네, 울었습니다. Olivia hugged me, Rebecca too, then while I was sobbing, Christelle-onni comes frmo nowhere and hugs me too, asks what's wrong... don't cry...
Ahhh guys are everywhere, I wanna cry outside...
I gurgle that I'm just homesick.
Getting shoes, Olivia asks in Japanese if I really am just homesick, or was it... her? I dunno how to say "both" in Japanese, so in English I say. I think the girl was right there too o_<; aha... but so was Mina. Mina and Naomi-onni (leaders of my group) don't like the hassle she puts up...
But... but I wanted to think of this with God's viewpoint... He loves her... equally as me!! So I should NOT HATE HER, NO, NO!!!
But after Georgia-Li hugged me, and I furiously wiped away tears, I couldn't stop NEARLY crying over and over again.
Read TF's life. Mina tell me to tell her if I ever need anything. I couldn't really focus on the words that we were "studying."
I tried to smile.
I want to reach Your direct-dominion, Kami-sama.
I rushed to JSW, wanting the cool night air and prayer, to hear the beautiful Dongsaneh Norae that everyone sang so often everyday. Nearly cried during that. Then burst into tears again during prayer.
하나님 아버지, is this how your heart feels all the time? So pained? Crushed by a fellow BC, missing my family, so tired/sweaty all the time... I feel miserable and crushed and hurt. Do You feel like this too, all the time? Heavenly Father, dont suffer like this! We're coming back to You. As You have lent me your shoulder to cry on, I want to be there for You. Don't suffer and hurt like this anymore. We BCs will help bring the world back to You.

July 18 [Day 10] Meet Piano Brother ^^
Called home for the third day in a row. Dad told me not to be pushed around lol and that he'll come on a rescue mission if he has to <3 omg i miss them so much. He told me to go play piano... so I did!!!
Eunhye-onni and Soonhwa helped me set up the piano, eventually asking the main pianist guy to help us lol... we were the only girls practicall there... well... i played piano. mixed feelings. SO HAPPY. so nervous. guilty. eager.

Then...omg... Pianist comes, turns the volume way up, and sits down in a nearby chair and turns the fan towards me.
"I want to hear what you're playing."
Well, I got 200x more nervous, but I was playing Grace of the Holy Garden. Sheet music right there! and ZOMG ITS IN F. I can almost play it now. Yay I haven't forgotten piano!! I was so afraid I had forgotten everything in ten days, which have felt more like a month.
Oh, Winna and I finally told Thomas about pianio!! He was so happy I could play!! =D
Back to the stage... um well, I could play nothing, with Pianist practically waiting for me. I noticed a guy leaning over my shoulder then, lower an dlower. I looked up, terrified. But he was kind looking! ^^ Not Pianist. Another brother from Spain, though.
He said something like... maybe "what ar eyou playing" or i dunno but then "Do you know..." and then stumbled through a bit of the Rugrats Theme song until my own hand went up on its own and started playing along.
"Oh, you know it too?"
*stuttermumble* I dunno...
Pianist comes over "Ok we'll do it together, all three of us..." and so we try, lol... Pianist kept slapping his friend's hand because he messed up lol. Pianist did intricate left hand; I can't even keep the melody straight while he was playing, so... complicated x_<;
Yeah, laughing, they leave... "sorry" I wave my hands, no, no... then go sit down cuz Prince of Egypt is starting.
So tired.
Fall of Man lecture after, eyes hurt, throat sore, stomach contractions - want to cough, nose running. NO I'm getting sick!! O______<"
One of first people in dinner line. kinda lonely, but if i were alone in CP, I'd be getting everywhere early.

Well, I'm officially *@#$%^.
Hospital checkup results.
Want to... want to... I want to...
AAHHHH KAMISAMA...

July 19 [Day 11] Deep Japanese Prayer
Because Daddy told me to play piano yesterday, I was really determined to not let him down. That's how I was able to do it, even though there were brothers everywhere and I had to get lots of help from others. But yeah playing piano yseterday would've been a huge destresser if there hadn't been people around ^^;
I woke up with Grace of the Holy Garden in my head.
I think... I mean I feel like we're all very separated. The Japanese stick with Japanese, Spanish with Spanich, un-BC-like with the same. It's sad. Oh Chinese with Chinese too. I'm like a nobody ><; But stikck with Grace, Sharon, Reb/Jes. Since two days ago I've been going by myself though, trying to be on time/early... calling home.
OMG I'm awake for 19 hours, asleep for 5 every single day. Is that... okay? During meals, walking, and break time I'm awake, but other than that, I'm dead tired, nearly falling asleep like now.
I miss home, my pillow, bed, family, sleep, doing whatever I want... even... as well as... writing fanfic and playing music/listening whenver I want.
Me and three others were the only sisters on time for today's An Shi Il ^^ proud ^^
Went up mountain in rain. Feet/pants soaked. But still sweaty. At the top, I burst into surprising tears when I started praying. I prayed in nearly all Japanese. Insanely, absurdly, it was easier to pray in Japanese than English that one morning.
A sign, about the purpose of my life? =\
I wasn't thinking about that then. Pray standing up, looking out at fog down below from below my umbrella, just cry and cry, pray nonstop Japanese until only three people left up here. Deepest prayer here so far.
I'm searching for You, Kamisama. I'll find You, be with You, and... thank you for walking down the mountain with me.
Um Um when I was asking God where He was, it started raining harder, rain slamming my umbrella as if he was answering. I heard Him...
[ここにいるよ！！]
Back down... with God... I heard Him right away. In Grace's funny sound, in Naomi and Mina... they tell me to join them at breakfast. But it was muffy (no AC at breakfast) and I wanted to eat outside. I called Mama. But I got late for JSW and CY, and got back seat but I was so happy with God that I made the best of it, and did my best~
The main vocal would go "Gaseum! Gaseum! Mune mune mune!!" LOL!! :D Lots of people here for 2 day workshop from Japan I guess...
My bruise (I guess it's a bruise) is huge and redish now, but doesn't hurt. Coughing, nose running, throat hurting, but i'm heiki heiki XD
We wrote out club ideas on paper. Then a brother from the card team of CY comes to Jes/Reb and I and stares at them, talking, smiling... we have no idea what he said, tho he spoke English!!! *confuseD*
Just now, realized... are Seijin-oppa and Kohwa siblings..!!?
At lunch, watermelon! <3

At 2:15, I listened to Pianist playing Moonlight Sonata's 3rd movement and OMG so JEALOSU, he ISSSS GOOD. Nooooo... Daddy said don't feel bad if he's a prodigy... you don't have to be a prodigy to play that, just... goooood XP
Sharon playing guitar, brothers playing mafia... I wanna play what I want o npiano... *cry* I'm sooo jealous... I can't stay awake...
Seriously, kibuni AN chowa. Physically exhausted, sick, tired, yawning, coughing, sniffling, eyes teary from yawns, throat, voice weird, just bad. Inside feel worried cuz if I get too sick how am I gonna find my purpose, my life's purpose!!??? OR DO ANYTHING!!? inside I feel eager to learn about the Blessing and Matching, and CY and stuff but physical body is holding me back so much...
After dinner, tons of people came. I called my parents, forgetting it was 1:30AM. OMG I WAS SO SORRY.
Went to huge, huge hall now. Listened with translation all right. A CY session, then Daemonim. Couldn't take it. Half-sleep through the whole thing. Then OMG. Another ansu. I started crying. Oh, went to JSW after first one, so crowded sweaty, bumping, not moving, raining, tiredtiredtired. Can't sing with this voice anymore either. Yeah by the time went to JSW for the closing, i cried like a baby. Can't take it. Too much. Miss family. Dongsaneh norae too beautiful. Too tired. Just wanna sleep. Please. Go to bed with sore throat stinging, running nose, cnostant sniffling under. tried to BREATHE warm air under the covers.

July 20 [Day 12] Awesome-est Piano Day XD
4 hours of sleep not enough. But I was okay, surprisingly, at HDH. Still feel miserable though. OH NO WAIT, HDH was at the big hall! Never mind, I WAS NOT OK, I was late, and half slept through the whole thing.
I love the rain, but it doesn't help when I climb the mountain. But lightning and thunder = <3
I ate breakfast with Jessica and Rebecca who found me, outside under the overhang thing on the 2nd floor of the Heavenly Palace. they talked about school problems, while eating red bean paste breads <3 still raining. Thank you God, for the rain. It makes the day 100% better.
Then CY... was ancestor liberation. It was an octave higher, in G!!!
Finally, normal schedule again. Cleaning duties = wiping the floor, Japanese movie style XD Thomas-oppa came to me and asked me about piano, then tell me to introduce myself to Kenmei... so that's his name...^^ don't have to call him "Pianist" anymore... tho i don't know how to spell his name ><;
I reply, stuttering, that I don't know how to introduce myself, especially to a brother who's crazy good at piano!
After wiping the floors and cleaning duties, singing and Kenmei playing piano, then DP, then... I go up to stage because it's my turn to play piano now... because we're switching, playing piano... thomas-oppa introduces us at the piano lol. So nervous! But Kenmei shakes my hand; he's nice! What, I expected a pianist to be cold and serious or something I think... ^^; But no, friendly, & talented... =) But i think he skips Holy Ground >< as in climbing the mountain... ^^;;;
Well then yeah, he motions me to the piano and I played two songs with the song team. I Felt so good... I <3 piano & nae chingudeul. x3
Well, I joined the music club! Sharon's the leader, and taught us "IT's God's Community..." i think... then i just played random stuff like Bleeding Love, Holy Songs, and then Sharon brings up the "One family under God" song and sings it for me... and then i figure it out on piano.
I really fel tgod play through me. Or else, how else did I play by ear after nearly missing two week sof practice? Missed it so much... and my hands seemed to just play.
Sharon and Grace, even with the lost voices, sang with all their hearts, this song. So beautiful <3 then everyone went to shower or whatever, but we and harumi stayed, played requsts... like Chinese songs! Jay Chou, Tonghua, Aimei... this brother from Taiwan joined us (the one i thought of in my mind as the cool guy, with cool glasses lol ^^;;) and sat lol... I was happy to play songs that people knew! When I started Aimei they were like OH WHAT!? how do you know these songs!!??? And i was so proud and happy that i had found J-pop years ago, which led to K-pop and C-pop <33333
Naomi and Harumi took me to the sauna, which was 2,000 won, and i spnet and hour and a half taking a shower, sitting in the hot tub, sleeping in the room with a hot floor, and in the cold water pool XD got kind of used to be not um... wearing clothes when others are around... ><; met Yurika, age 12, from Tennessee. She looks like Joann! :D she shot waterguns in my face and dumped water on my head XP yeah, it all felt good and relazing.
Kouki i s here lol! Saw him a few times, then waved to him while we were walking to the lecture room. He gave a peace sign in reply lol XD he looks lonely tho... always alone...
At dinner, met sisters from Spain!Alda and Jessica! and they know the Chapitals omg!!!! :DDDD
I always rush around now. No journal time, breathe time =(
At Chanyang, I met a Japanese lady in front of me who tried to talk to me in English and sign language, so I asked... 「日本人ですか？」　then she was lol so happy~ she say i speak well, and that Japanese + British parents makes this beautiful child... omg she say i'm pretty... and before, Sharon called me the "star" of the music club, "so happy i'm recruiting such talented ppl" lol... cheers me up quite a bit yeah... xp

July 21 [Day 13] Made the Chanyang Team XD
Rain/cloudy <3 I feel like I can run up and down the mountain from the piano happiness from yesterday XD this time breakfast bread was filled with YELLOW paste. still equally yummy <3
Went to Cheong-A camp for the Korean Cultural Experience. Oooh! Taiwanese sister playing grand piano ooohhh so jealosu...!!!!
I had Korean Tea and Manners today, wich Rebecca. We learned how to bow, learned/wore Korean clothes, did the whole tea ceremony (so funny yet painful - legs buzzing) and ate mochiiiii <3
Jessica GOT TEASED THIS MORNING, while eating breakfast by herself!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! X_________________X;; WHAT!!???

Kinesha called three of us up to stage this morning. Yeah... I made the team. Chanyang. My dream. Still hasn't hit me. Later I told her thank you for letting me in, and she said I was the only girl to do so (say thank you) :D then she could tell I was serious about this, CY team, and not just joining because my friends were in or something. I had lunch with her and Heejin ^^
So... stressed, went to meet her @ 6:20 after buying CY pants and black socks and a new notebook. She told us CY was physically challenging, and we might miss meals; meet at 7:40am, 6:40pm. hen perform, have to wear CP pants and shirt, with pins and black socks.
And I joined the CY team, under Kayoko-san, the keyboard leader... XD

July 22 [Day 14] Unexplainable Things...
It's not cloudy cool and wonderful anymore. It's sunny and hot, and no shade, waiting for our turn at the archery range outside.
Okay, rewind.
So last night, Kinesha sends me off to keyboard leader. I'm fretting and wringing hands in front of everyone, and teacher has to yell over deafening boom of the drum (OMG had no idea it was so loud on stage). Asks name, where from, age, how long done piano. I see she write in Japanese, so tempted to help her instead of her stuggling to use English, but it was so loud and i was too terrified, praying every spare second.
I stay out of the line of practicing girls (whole team female yay) wishing I practiced more... ><; then pray, bow, make a circle -- "August-sshi!!" blah blah blah sshi, "DEBUT!!" and i have no idea what's going on. We had to introdce outselves, the new members. Harumi, Ara, Insun...
"My name is Jenny and I'm doing keyboard..."
"KEYBOARD!!!!"
I want to say "piano" why is it keyboard? Piano is much more pretty...
Seijin-oppa translates for English, piano members translates for Korean...

Kamisama... Chanyang Team wo join shimashita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did CY like normal, with Heejin... CP pants are horribly uncomfortable! sweaty, itchy sticky >n<; Now back to today.
Dude. my mind is contaminated. too late. the rest of the 40 days (26-ish) days... doomed? [this part is not comprehensible to normal reader... sorry. i won't be explaining though... xp]
Q&A with Rev. Compton was good. OMG last night we had a DP test. I think i failed. Jes/Reb and I studied the wrong questions. EVERYONE DID WTHECK.
i thank God a lot these days.

I'm so stressed about getting to CY practice on time now. at this practice, i played keyboard like other members, messing up like crazy. then the leader comes and tells me it was almost perfect. WHAA!!?? she says 'debut' in a sentence i didn't understand.
omg. my dream. come true.
she half-slaps me, teasingly, when finds out i understand a lil Japanese x3 and to practice tanshimga whenever i can, and also the eye chek stuff.
Before HDH, Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" so I go up because I know it's not Kenmei's turn, but he didn't see me. He and Naomi were like, "Jenny, JEnny..." into mic, looking into around the room. Then I wave, "Hello~" and he turns and is like, "Oh GOD!" LOL XD
Then, 2nd half, I knew it was Kenmei's turn to play so i didn't go. Naomi came to ask if it's my turn i say no it's his turn, naomi yells to Eliot "she says it's his turn!" and he's like right there lol... well anyway i was so confused about these "turns" we were supposed to follow.
I... I...

I ran down and merged right to go the shortest way to get my laundry.
Something happens... I mean, something really happened. With another person, and no one else was around. But I won't say.
Then I walk away, a golden feeling filling me. Heart pounding, throat tight, my shoulder bag flying as I break into a run...
I was so happy.
(Nooooooooooo!!!!)
Squeaking with hyperness as I did laundry. Skip to lunch. Jump into line, so hyper. Mr. Kamins right next to me. I had these urges to talk to him for several days, since I recognize him and he's from my area in the world!! and well, now, right now it feels like an angel or God himself has taken over my body and my heart is going full blast with happiness, so I turn and chirped,
"Hello, Mr. Kamins?" :D
And talk to him a lot from that. I tried to cheer him up because I had heard him complaining about CP on the phone one day. He knows my dad! I know his son, from several years back. I think we're in the same class/year but never see him at church realy, so don't remember. He introduced me to a Welsh couple!!!
"Do you know Cyril Hughes?" Mr. Kamins said.
"How long ago did he leave Wales?" Welsh brother asked.
"Um... about 30 years ago...?" * i realize... Xp*
"Oh, well, that was before I was born, then..." XP Nice to meet yous, thank yous, smiles, then lunch (SOBA OMG <3) with friends. I jump up to get chopsticks for Rebecca when she first says something like "forgot chopsticks." overflowing energy, i don't know what to do with myself. Eat, talk, laugh, feel like i'm fluffy with happiness XXDD
All from... one..."**"
Not good. Not good at all.
I mean, it's good to feel so incredibly happy. I felt like, OMG there's not enough time in the world to do enough good deeds, talk to everyone, be nice and smile to everyone, omg omg!!!

Boating was canceled due to dirty water and bacteria from the past days of rain? it was fine with me, wasn't looking forward to that really... xp so instead, we'd go to Cheong-A camp for second cultural experience ^^ gathered at Tree of Love at 1:30pm, found out we were WALKING. But Naomi-onni bought us all ice cream!!!! I got the same as Sharon, not knowing any better.
It was the first ice cream I ate in a full year. It wasted so good in the heat. We walked while eating, then Moon-kangsanim drove up to us and called, Get in!!!! OMG there are 11 seats in that cute little car!!! XD listen to instrumentals, and pass everyone who's walking like they should be lolol Naomi was like "don't wave, don't wave!" XD
Whoever wanted archery did rock paper scissors. I won omg! This dude taught us archery rules at the rock climbing room. OK I'm using really bad grammar now just cuz I'm lazy. I'm sure I can speak formally and well and stuff... but yeah no time. So w ehiked up to archery place, waited for an hour or so doing journal while other groups got a turn. Saw a praying mantis. Bad thoughts. Always sweating. On the way home talked with Ran (sp?) a lot she's so cute x3

July 23 [Day 15] Daemonim malsseum + Graduation
I remember asking God to help me, help me push my current thoughts away. So. Unprincipled. Don't want them, but want them at the same time. Bad, bad, bad! (Just now Winna called "Jenny-poo!!")
Today was graduation for the 1st 21 day workshop ppl after Chanyang... I met Soobin-onni a couple days ago I think... She's SO PRETTY <3 Certificates, pics, chocolate gift so sweeeeeettt~ <3 Naomi is leaving!! Our leader!!
Hey... I suck. Sucked. @ piano. Song of the HEavenly Soldier? OMG. And I only felt stupid, embarrassed, and completely like my day was ruined because there is someone better than me.
Yeah.

I wake up easier now. Eyes not so heavy. I wake up in the middle of the night, fix my hair because it feels like it's time to wake up and I see others awake, but there's actually nobody...? O_o; Well, today, everyone woke up at 10 to 5 so only 7 sisters were on time. We got a round of applause from the brothers lol yay XD
Goodbye, Rev. Compton! Just when his voice came back...
Our cleaning duty - wiping tables, putting chairs up (fun!) climbed the mountain with Mona, breakfast with Jessica outside.
At Chanyang practice, did first person... no messups but completely forgot to do eyecheck, and it was the cool Korean translator guy! lol.
Dress clothes for DMN and graduation. Don't like my clothes ><; Well mainly DMN told us "NO BROTHERS AND SISTERS ALONE TOGETHER!!! NO EXPLICIT UNPRINCIPLED RELATIONSHIPS!" =)
I uh... needed that...? It scared me. Slap in the face. I will try harder, though I don't do that stuff at all...
Then she shook every single person's hand!! I didn't feel anything special, ?but Jessica and Rebecca were thrilled lol... We went outside and took pictures, this guy started throwing money by the Tree of Love LOL everyone ran and began grabbing but had to return it all ^^
In our lecture room, we had to pack up desks and chairs, change, have lunch, then music club! New members, lost/missing members. We practice, then I quietly fiddle around with TPL and try Kenmei's songs out lol... BUT I WANT TO PLAY A REAL PIANO, WHATEVER I WANT, HOWEVER I WANT, HOWEVER LOUD I WANT, SO.. BADLY.
We thank group leaders, then Moon-kangsanim is VERY STRICT about clothes, makeup, rules, ipods, CAMERA. We are not allowed to even HAVE them anymore. We are to hand them over. I was ready to, but then... he said we could keep them if we wouldn't use them...? =\
Made new groups... in an interesting way ^^ Moon-kangsanim is really cool and funny! My group is now Olivia, Sharon, Rebecca, Victoria... Oh Naomi thought I was 14 until someone told her I could drive... XD Moon-kangsanim thought Grace (18) was 13!!!! All these age things because... Moon-kangsanim asked 18, 17, then even 16 year olds to be leaders since old leaders couldn't do it anymore... I said I was in CY so I didn't have to... ^^;
New member, Kiyoka!!! Then we cleaned out sleeping/suitcase area. I want to practice violin... -___-;
No shower. Instead, Jessica give me advice on what kind of bangs to get =p
After Chanyang, where I met Megumi, head of the piano team from the Japanese Office, Moon-kangsanim gave books to all the leaders of groups.
Today was kinda weird... like non-routine things happened. So the best part other than eating chocolate was talking to Kouki-kun.
*me and Jessica or was it Rebecca going up hill, see him*
Me: Hi~
Kouki: Hi. Oh how long are you staying?
Me *surprised*: Um... the 18th.
*he nod, walk...*
Me: You too?
Him: No, until the 11th.
*I nod...*
Yeah. I was happy to talk with someone from my part of the world! NorCal ^^

At Jeongshimweon, Soobin-onni said goodnight to me!!!!! Brightened a lil <3 Jessica and Rebecca want me to wake them up so they won't be late anymore ^^;

July 24 [Day 16] DEBUT!
Doing DP reading right now but I'll fall asleep if I try to learn anything. I NEED to do reflection!!
So this morning, rain. Really hard. New teams now... random seats though. When I got to top of mountain (Jes/Reb skipped) it started raining super HARD. Lik ebefore.
I'm still searching for God... I want to live, walking by His side.
I took my bread and milk to the steps outside again. Uh... without my glasses I Couldn't tell which guys were sitting nearby. But then Eliot-oppa said "Good morning Jenny" lol =)
I was pretty wet. Nowhere near COLD tho. You can't get cold, or even COOL here. While I was going to the garbage, Mr. Kamins calls me over and happily introduced me to his daughter Aurora!! :D
At Chanyang, Rebecca DEBUTED!!! I love calling out "LASUTO!!" though... ^^ One brother always always runs and hugs the members having their lasts and debuts XD Then, all of a sudden...
"Jeokbonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUTT!!!"
O__________________________________________O;;
WTHEEEEECCKKK!!!!!??
My heart... my heart!!!! XNX;; But... it's true.
I debuted today.
I can call home again!!
I asked leader when to change piano styles... like melody / "jangjang" but i didn't understand!! Why oh why didn't i pay more attention to the other members when they did it the past 30 chanyang sessions!!!???? ><;
So nervous. Deathly nervous! No maybe not. I was debuting with Rebecca!! Her partner was... the guy we knew most? Hide? Hidekazu...?
Go up. Main dude (who was it?!) nod, I nod.
START.
Made only minor mistakes... missed eye contact sometimes... but eye check with the cards really, REALLY HELPS. Their smiles!!! X3 well um omg it was fun. awesome. i mean... after praying desperately before going up, telling Him it was all for Him, my family, the world, and my future husband, Yes... that's why...
awkward sitting on brothers' side during CY, but OMG. Sitting with the Chanyang team!! I still don't feel included, part of the team yet, but omg... Soobin-onni... ah... made mistakes for tanshimga... and cried after... for three hours, she told me later!!!!! =(

He didn't want to play piano for song team that time so I did. I really do suck... ><; He can do that cute lil jingle, Rugrats, that movie theme roll down the piano omg... so jealous...

Lunch - korokke! <3 Then call home and tell them everything, about TP helicopter crash, debuting, and they said when they were going camping, the motorhome broke down in the driveway LOL XD Yeah I told myself I can't call them until I debuted in Chanyang team ^^
At music club... ah I just get lost when I sit at the piano and play xp The original key is too difficult for female voices so i transposed from F# to D ^^ Thank You, Heavenly Father for playing piano through me. I can really feel You here.
Miranda's voice is so LovELy <3 especially reading DP~ so soothing, + accent = <3
I figured out the little piano jingle that Kenmei plays! ^_-
Again, he didn't take his turn for playing for song team. Doing... rubik's cube? =\
Still rainy. Looove it <3 Pray and half-sleep at Jeongshimwon for 30 minutes. Dinner, JSW again, change, CY. like 20+ new members lol! Soonae directly asked piano leader and got in!! Jessica, Sharon, Grace, Winna, Harumi... all IN!!! and YES I wasn't picked tonight xp
I figured out when to switch =)
OMG tonight, there were so many children. And their voice, during CY, they gave me strength and goosebumps!!!!! XD
I butchered Coutnry Roads... ARGH I want to be able to PLAY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY, like... pitch perfect/prodigy people...!!! X(
I need to have more energy! more spirit!! early to everything, do my best, love it all and everyone...
Thank you, Kamisama!!! Good night!!! <3

July 25 [Day 17] D-Day. Debut, Depression, Dead.
"Dubonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUTTTT----!!!!"
ZOMG!!!!! XD 2nd DAY 2nd DEBUT!!!! XD But this Chanyang session went by so fast... later Hide told me that we were like 20 minutes short! Rebecca said it's her fault, she didn't set the clock...? =\
The hardest thing to do in CP is stay awake during HDH. Half-sleep, mumbling along...
After the 2nd break, we sand "Pledge." It's so beautiful! I feel like I've heard it before. I don't know if it's in the songbook, but Kenmei puts in a good chord in there... like a gut-wrenching/tear-jerker chord. He's good.
I stood up for the last HDH. Then sat at the side. Didn't help since I like sitting on floors better than chairs. SLEEEEEP.
Played guitar with Harumi and others, teach Tonghua, play Wings, Banana Pancakes ^^ Guys gathered for pics, we went upstairs for chant practice. Technicians are doing something on our 3rd floor. Harumi gave me a strawberry candy =3 Olivia gave out group Korean chocolate crackers ^^ Still have chocopie from yesterday when Eliot gave them for song team! =D
So. Nearly fall asleep during figuring out chant. Hopeless feeling >n<; I wish I was more into these things, and more imaginative... creative... when it comes to ideas and new... things... i'm hopeless. And then I embarrassed myself by voicing my opinion. I half-sleep. Dream up own chant. Then we got down to something, so at least we had THAT xnx; So. Performing. My fav was Brother's #5 and Sisters #3. And they won! XP Ours was just embarrassing. Winners got 10,000 won coupon for the kage! Moon Kangsanim is so funny XD
Uh... Um I uh...
I ran past the door that Dae Mo Nim was exiting, and BOWING through, between two black suit guys that I think tsked angrily. Yeah, I ran past DMN while she was bowing!!!
AAHHH.
My day was ruined.
I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't see! I can't even see clearly straight ahead of me, I'm not going to be able to tell who's in my peripheral vision until it's too late, but I hate wearing my glasses! But it's necessary here!!! OMG I FELT SO BAD. I THOUGHT THE BODYGUARD GUYS WERE GONNA GET ME. I kinda... ran away and hid in the bathroom for a while, but I knew there were cameras everywhere, and my ugly face would surely be like a beacon in the crowd of heavenly spirited church members...
I went to line for dinner. Then ooooh the end of the line CHANGES, so I'm not in line anymore!! So I went from scared to worried, sorry to angry, near tears. Just plop down onto haunches and write this journal by the NEW huge line that sprang up after it went down a whole bunch.
Yeah. Back to miserable. Was OK b4, with 2nd debut and piano comments for song team, guitar with harumi, strawberry candy... now just wet ugly hair, sore throat... miserable.
Oh some people from our 2nd gen int. group passed. So I'm not last or anything. Oh Mrs. Mori said I did a good job at piano for CY. Legs really hurt. It seems I'm looked down upon here in CP. Literally, right now, but... metaphorically too. Metaphorically? I don't know how to use that word. ANYWANY it's like people hate me. What did I do? Why does it feel like everyone hates me?
I thought I felt God this morning right after CY. So happy after only making minor mistakes, and debuuuuutt <3>_________________<;
-_____________________________________________________- I wanna go home.
Edited in CY room, 2nd floor chinhwa biru
Depressed. I had planned to spend lunch alnoe but God took me to Kinesha Heejin and Victoria's table. They're so funny. They made me smile. Heejin is usually lonely, but now it's me. She patted me... <3 Kinesha is EVERYONE'S FRIEND. Brothers and sisters alike. She's so cool and friendly, open and effortlessly makes friends and everyone laugh ^^ We wandered. Hide-kun joined us. He's so friendly too. He learned my name this morning, but now...
I am "silent girl." Victoria is "shy girl" and Kinesha is "loud girl" and oh HEejin is "annoying devil girl" according to Hide xp
I'm not silent!
edited 7:15
Moon Kangsanim is talking to us right now. How will I stay awake? I want to die. No. I want to go home. So. a while ago, talking to Hide-kun. He's leaving tomorrow! One of the only brothers I know here... That's a good thing I guess ^^ I've spoken to Soonam, Eliot, Kenmei and Hide ^^ And like every sister! Almost... it's amazing tho... at home I AM completely the "silent girl" without the title. here... it's nice.
why, why, oh WHY do I have to be here, when I'm not even DOING the ancestor liberation!? Why oh WHYHH-- WHY THE HECK is the person in back of me hitting me!? 내 기분이 지금 안좋아하니까?! Wanna make me feel worse!?
My throat hurts like heck, I am NOT doing ancestor liberation, gonna do hour of singing next, no water, so tired, person hit my back again. Again. Again WTH!!!!!!!
She's sleeping. Completely now. On my back. Sleeping. Who is she? Is she really sleeping...!!? Aw... I want to massage her to wake her up. She's made me laugh lol. almost out loud. and moon kangsanim is talking about how hard it is for dmn to go to hell, liberate or something... and i'm smiling like crazy XD
Ok what he's talking about is a bit interesting, but i'm tired, and i don't have mind and body unity, and i WANT to be frustrated, cry at JSW later.
You know what other feeling comes with depression, sadness, loneliness, miserable, and wanting to go home?
사랑의 desire. unprincipled. which does not make keeping my mind clear and pure easy.
I'm not listeing at all. oh hey i think Kouki-kun has friends now! =) i think his brother is coming now, or in a day or something. xp weir---d.
I want to practice violin on Sunday. So much. No matter what. also piano and guitar... i'll skip sauna i will! took shower finally today after like 2 or 3 days. i stunk. feeling clean is great. too bad it won't last the night even. taking shower everyday is such a hassle. i'd rather do journal. i just feel bad for others around me.
Um the person behind me falling asleep... (whoa she hit my back HARD just now, with her head) it's a good fanfic "event" ><; i thought i'd become so perfect at CP, go home without any need for the bad things of before, but omg if i went home right now, i feel like i'd go right back to the old me. i don't think i'd do anything differently!!!!! O____O;
Not good. Good that I'm forced to stay another 23 days. Hope to find the purpose of my life. I have to.
Kamisama. I'm nt doing my absolute best, yet I ask fr so much. Like now. Writing journal, falling asleep, but asking for the purpose of my life. 참 나쁘죠.
falling asleep... 목이 아파. at least i can go to bed tonight so fast. no brush teeth. no changing. no journal. just *plop-die*
this translator is nice...

I died.
For the first lecture, i was half asleep. the whole chanyang, i closed me eyes but sang and clapped like usual. something wrong with my throat. it only hurts when i swallow and talk. like swollen and tight. from whooping at team chants? How weak IS my voice... ><; anyway, half asleep, JSW dragged feet. Feel miserable to tears. Winna see me, hug me, say she'll pray at JSW For me to stay awake for the next lecture <3
Ah, I didn't. because I didn't want to. I hardly cared. I half-slept the entire time, though listening to translation. head down, neck, back, stomach hurt. only remember pics of True PArents crash, "pure heart" and "weeds."
Can't believe there's SECOND thirty minute Chanyang. I almost cried.
Then in Jeongshimwon, I really, really cried. Started during Dongsaneh Norae. Aahh just sob and sob all prayer, wish could go on longer so i could finish crying my miserable tears.
God, I don't even know why I'm doing all this. I don't get anyTHING out of HDH, just half-sleep. waking up, sweating, climbing mountain, rules all day, omg i get nothing. do i?
I was last up the hill to bed. Naomi worried for me. Jessica got my sleeping bags for me omg too nice... so kind. sleepwalk to bed, use last tiny burst of energy to make bed, go under one cover and sleep.

July 26 (Day 18)
So tired after 4 1/2 hours of sleep, which is not enough for me to fully function. wake up jessica and rebecca. make beds, go... hdh in cy room yeah. this time, translator was FEMALE *surprise* not remember one thing from hdh.
rain hard, first day ever i didn't go to tree of blessing. too miserable. nah lazy that's all. get water with Rebecca. Breakfast with Kinesha, Kohwa, Rebecca, Seijin. He's so hyper, energetic, bubbly... i'm jealous of his endless spirit. i'm like, using words Kinesha's used, a rain cloud.
On the way to JSW, Valerie caught a walk under my umbrella with me ^^
Something is distracting me so badly I'm afraid I won't... get over it.
I think Moon-kangsanim translated for DMN's talk of 896th 2 day workshop. I just want FREE TIME. piano. guitar. violin~~ hurry... falling asleep. Moon-kangsanim translates really well. Immediately after she speaks he can translate with just a little funny grammar, use of words...
edit 4:40
I went to our lecture room but there were only guys so i sat outside and put my head on my bag on my lap. a group of brothers came by...
"weird place to sleep" loud and clear. sounded like they stopped and stared and laughed to each other. don't know who. so embarrassing. why am i stupid?
played piano for two+ hours. very happy <3 but could've fallen asleep at the keys. music club practice. Yen Chuan-oppa helped Sharon with the pronunciation for Tonghua. Soonae practice after-- she's better than I ever thought!! :DDD abby go sauna (we're friends now!) lots of comments for piano...
now guys are snoring on the floor... me and Mana and Olicia reading/journaling at desks together. my mind wandered... to the wrong place. then fell asleep.
edit 5:20pm
OMG. Fantasie Impromptu. Perfectly.
It sounds effortless.
I have to learn when I go home. He knows it, Seiya knows it... it seems like a popular song. I don't think I have the skill and experience to play it though. I'm so jealous!!!! He also plays stuff like Harry Potter, Fur Elise, Yoshi's Island songs... LOL XD and OMG if he can sight read Tanshimga perfectly why the heck isn't he in the Chanyang team!! WE LACK KEYBOARD MEMBERS DUDE. still... i'd rather half-sleep, listen to piano music than go to dinner.
At dinner Sarah Mori talked to me! :DDD SF Bay Area~ XD
Everyone's feet stink because of the wetness lol... xp
At CY meeting, Makoto-san talked about being SERIOUS (THANK YOU Seijin-oppa for always translating for us not-fully-and-non-bilingual people...) in CY. I felt like he was talking to me. It kinda looks like he disapproves of me when he looks at me anywhere, or eye check... but then during practice my leader told me it's good to smile while playing piano... so i don't know what to do.
Abby hugged me after, randomly lol... needed it. she's so nice! but always trying to steal my notebook to read my journal! xp
After, Winna said she'd rather be stiff (drummer) than forced to smile. then she made me go up to the lecture room the back rock stair way, tho i hate that way, but it really is super short! lol XD
Jessica's umbrella was stolen or lost!
Doing True Father's life HDH now, again. "you're tired when you study for yourself, so study for other and the world."
THAT'S REALLY HELPFUL <3

July 27 [ Day 19] Surprise at the Hospital, Panic for Chanyang Team (maybe just me xp)
Patrick-oppa from the UK is really, really uh... effective? no no i mean... productive, organized, and straight forward, leading exercises ^^ August is gone...!
Almost fell asleep at JSW, practicing One Family Under God in my head ><;
There have been NO brothers on the keyboard team of CY =\ Tho *ahem* there is one that's better than all keyboard sisters put together.
Bug bites. An Shi Il. Drum banging hurts my head ears today. But I hope I get to perform. I did. I completely horribly messed up the first note of my 1-bonjjae! The main vocal didn't let me do the intro thing, and THEN "Junbi etc..." so i had the volume up when it should've been down when i hit the chord and them put the colume up... i couldn't really smile after that... tho Rebecca was at cards.
Heavenly Father I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!! Please still accept my offering!!!

I realize between logic and emotion, I'd choose emotion. I never, ever thought so... but it's true.

Jessica and I went on stage to sing yay~ I could cuz yeah, Kenmei was playing piano. But then...
LOL!!!
He started playing "New Song of Inspiration" while the rest of us were singing Pass It On XD LOL IT was funy XD It made me feel better lol, after feeling so horrible for messing up.
Later I was caught falling asleep and had to stand up. I felt bad. We finished DP ONCE.
Did lunch duties with silver apron =p it seems people didn't notice my mistake O___< HAH!?
Played piano after lunch by myself yaaaaay~ so happy~ i mean there were lots of people around but I went up to the piano by myself lol XD Ride, TPL, first 5 seconds of Fantasie Impromptu lol XP I ran to piano after saw Kenmei coming through the window lol I really wanted a turn to fool around on piano by self...
Now that I think about it, Fantasie Impromptu is really beautiful. Before, I just thought it was insane, like too crazy to even make sense. now it's really, really pretty =)

神様､私の人生のもくてきは何ですか？

Soonam-oppa is proud of us for staying awak more now~ (*cough* um...)
Sailing With Our Father is fun on piano.
We study about the Fall so much but it's getting worse in my head.

Um, tonight was awesome. 2nd time 1-bonjjae today! Practice -->> learn 4 rules of CY team members. No bro + sis relationship. keep time, don't be late. Uh...? >n<; Rebecca, Jessica (Spain) and Yen Chuan, Seijin, Kinesha, Yasutaka-san... we all did =)
During dongsaneh Norae, the drum leader was X-ing his arms. SOMETHINGS WRONG!!!!
True Father is resting at the hospital, so we're not gonna use drums tonight. no drums, no drummer. Just. Piano. Just.
Me.
OMG.
I was so nervous. Drum leader talk to piano leader about me, knowing the timing signs and stuff. OK, faster, slower. Have to eye check him every two verses. I eye checked like all the time, not able to count in my head while keeping calm lol.
I prayed and prayed... omg so scared. Rebecca hugged me, Kinesha said "we're all counting on you!" card leader tell me something... *gulp*
Go up. Nod to Kinesha. YES she let me do intro, I don't mess up like before. So quiet without the drums. Then I messed up like HEECCK when I did the first eye check. But got a thumbs up from drum leader ^^ good for a while... then a couple "faster" signs... mostly thumbs up XD His, Rebecca, Jessica, and Kinesha's smiles made me SOOOO HAPPY ^^ Time went really fast and I just knew HEavenly Father was helping me play for the world.
It felt good <3
After, Kinesha gave me hug and I got good jobs from Kohwa, Rebecca, and everyone... everyone was talking so excitedly, like it was huge gossip no wait like... huge news (it is i guess...) about TF staying, and the drums not being used, and how we're moving to the small hall in the morning!
After or before or I dnno when, Makoto-san asked if we were all "genki" like he was worried. We answered yes strongly, but... I'm tired lol xp everyone is i'm sure, but they're strong enough to put it aside for the sake of everyone else. they're so good. i want to be like them...
Sarah, Mako, Aika, Cherisa joining 21 day workshop now~!
Thank you, thank you Kamisama for an amazing day. Smiles... chanyang... familiar faces from home... everything made my day. You played with me, I know it. Thank you. Thank you, and GANBARIMASU are all I can say =)
I think... my head/heart is getting better!! BAD THOUGHTS GOING AWAY!! Like Chanyang and the focus and concentration I needed to play tonight is helping me forget about it!!! THANK YOU!!!!

July 28 (Day 20)
I wake up so many times at night now, thinking I'm late for CY practice and afraid. I sit up, ready to practice or clap or play or something, half-asleep. I'm afraid I might've been slep-talking or even singing or something O_o; That's why I'm more tired, and Rebecca had to wake me up instead of the other way around xp
HDH, mountain, breakfast, meet Rebecca and Iasmine from Macau and two others, newcomers!
CY in small hall so we can use drums without disturbing TF. I was second again! Really sweaty in this small hall.
Some people... who are so bubbly and energetic all day... are actually exhausted inside, but they're hiding it... but at chanyang they are falling asleep, so tired... i admire them a lot. and then they go perform on stage for cy! i'm really touched by their devotion and heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARON ONNI!!!!!!! 20sai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<333

Jessica gave me a pocky... ^^
At lunch, sat with more Hong Kong BCs and also the Taiwan siblings/friend ^^ They're all really pretty (I mean the sisters, and the brothers good looking in a God-created-them-and-they're-BCs kind of way ^^)
I just realized... the newly arrived brother with dyed hair is... Kuni----!? I DUNNO.
I got sick again.
Sang happy birthday to Sharon at lunch yeahhh~~ we tried to make a secret birthday surprise during self reflection but couldn't decide on stuff... eventually, she had a cupcake with a spiritial candle on it and presents from everyone except me >__________________________<;
I bought the Azalea shirt and new journal, and pin for CY.
Then. Hike up Holy Ground. Killed me. Sweat. Tears. Miserable. Pray. Down. Tower. JSW 50 bows. My knees hurt so bad after like 5 WTHECK!! And I was 10 bows behind everyone at the end. So. Sweaty. Arms glistening. Shower felt good.
At CY Midori-onni said my glasses were cute... i mean... for some reason after miserable afternoon everyone was giving me good comments about stuff i am too sensitive and self-conscious about... weird but nice... like... they call me pretty but i have no idea what they're talking about. like... HAAHH???!
Keyboard leader tell me, please learn Tanshimga. I perform again. FOUR TIMES IN A ROW ON STAGE BOOYA. I hope I'm doing a good job. Don't know if I suck or not... -__-; All I'm doing is me ultimate best, though... Midori-san's smile was so kagayaiteru that it surprised me. I sang along this time, nearly laughing because everyone's smiles were so beautiful.
CY team got some... mochi drink and tomatoes lol ^^ One of the Mori sisters says hi to me all the time omg! I don't know which one yet... I only know Sarah...
When go to Lecture hall, Kenmei playing Rufus Wainright's "Hallelujah" omg! and people were singing along! I'm so jealous when... when musicians play a song and then everyone sings along and joins the musician and sits aroudn them or something... so jealous... i've enver been able to do that ever in my life...!!! NOT ONCE!!! Okay I only like playing Japanese and Korean and Chinese pop music, but I know Hallelujah too! And and and some mainstream AMerican music!
sigh.
@ bedtime Christelle thought I was sleeping with my notebook and pencil in my hand and was about to take them and put them aside as <3

July 29 [Day 21]
Ah... why does Kenmei sometimes play piano or uncover it, then sit down when everyone starts singing? So I played instead...

하나님 아버지, 저의 생활의 이유는 무엇입니까?

I was forced to do laundry without detergent ><; Lady behind me had to rub my back during CY because I was falling asleep. I don't know what I'm running on anymore.

I can't stand my ugly dress-clothes -_-;
Maybe I really suck at piano for song team and chanyang team but no one is telling me.
People hardly sing at this workshop. As in, song team sings like heck, with all their heart! But participants, i can't hear them at all and they outnumber song team. Nothing like One Heart singing, ah x]
Had a special lecture, only for Chanyang team after. The speaker is amazing. First he speaks Korean, then flawless Japanese, then amazing Seijin translates to English! So. Awesome. TRANSLATING. INTERPRETING. Then we choose new leaders because other leaders have to leave or do something else... Maybe it was only Drum team. Well, we talked about how we should do CY, with what kind of heart, and for whom.
Bus to CJG Palace so hot. first thing --> get ice water the coldest i've drunk in Korea! XD sit in chairs. eventually other sisters and brothers come. watch 10 minute video, want to sleep. Gave my radio to Moon-kangsanim for brothers to use. Haven't gotten it back yet. Before gave it, shared radio with... Hsin Yu...? She's so pretty...
Best parts: the big paintings, finding my parents' names on the white wall, also found LeRoy and Stair, randomly! :D Everything else... the museum itself, exhibit things of gifts to TP... too tired, hot to care really and frankly, I would've liked sleeping instead of going.
I'm SORRY, but I'm serious.
Jessica and Rebecca on the other hand were so happy they were nearly crying!
Stressful dinner hurry to change, JSW, RUN!! to small hall cough getting worse, forceful, can't stop if i have to cough ><;
I figured out the WB Brothers movie theme/jingle thing on piano! and the cute little phone jingle! that Kenmei plays! :D
At CY meeting, had little orientation thing with keyboard members. Haruka is only 17!!!!! LIKE E! Youka is TWENTY ONE OMG!!! Ayami, Kayoko, Jyun, Yeonhi/Holly - 16...
Makoto-san telling us we can be serious on the inside but please be happy, akarui on the outside yay! ^^ Rebecca DEBUT!! 2nd part side or something... and Yen Chuan-oppa, solo debut!! :D

July 30 [ Day 21]
(written 7:20am) Small hall, too early. Only drummers here. wish i could practice piano. don't know 3-bonjjae parts. Slept until Haruka-onni woke me up. she's so pretty and plays piano so emotionally, no i mean heartistically? I mean she really pours out her heart, especially during tanshimga <3
We CY members, even tho we're not performing sometimes, should set the standard for doing ansu to others, Makoto-san said...
Ran keeps falling asleep now aw~ and oh. first we stand, riht? and hit the person in front's back, so we line up and make space and stuff right? Well, when we were standing up, there was room. When we sat down, there was NO room, and I was pushed out of line. I had nowhere to sit, though I already had my number for Hori ansu!! WTHECK!!!! Then Jessica switched with me omg so nice <33333333333

It started raining like crazy at 11:40am OUT OF NOWHERE! After yesterday was so sunny and hot, THANK YOU GOD FOR THE GRAY AND WET WEATHER I LOVE IT <33
I copletely butchered a Holy song before this lastr section of morning HDH. Eliot-oppa hadn't been playing guitar either, just me booming out my mistakes.
sniff. >n<;
Cough worse than ever. vloice abnormal. can't breathe without coughing. singing is hard.
After lunch we had a piano meeting with the Keyboard head leader, Megumi-san!!! She said don't do staccato, don't play hard (OOOPPPSS) and oh. I LOOK LIKE BECKY LOL, Haruka-onni said XD I get that. Mostly when I was in Japan. That I look like that entertainer girl Becky... she's half too but lives in Japan so looks Japanese, I Guess it's only the eyes =\ she's not ugly, but i don't think i ever thought of her as pretty, but blah blah blah, okay okay stil i was happy to get the comment lol XD and after, Haruka called me "Becky-chan" XD <3
I'm gonna miss them, though I never really knew them! They're all leaving CY team!
Late for music club. DP lecture contest prep. Victoria Rebecca and me in a trinity so do stuff in cafeteria with everyone for three hours. I'm so tired and sick and miserable and wanna go home that I don't do much. I'm so glad Victoria and Rebecca are enthusiastic about it. I can't contribute much with this project. Olivia gave me a Korean Hi-Chew (SP?) x3
Late dinner, skip JSW, made it just in time for CY practice. OH I'm starting to realize that I'm leaning toward langauges as my purpose of life. I just HATE not being able to understand everyone around me, not even JApanese. I hate needing a radio, and another person to translate (not hate the person!). I want to be that person who breaks down language barriers.
FRANCOIS JOINED KEYBOARD TEAM OMG!! ZOMG. SO COOL, 1st guy!!! And I never expected--never knew... Yen Chuan-oppa didn't smile once for cards =(
Soonae, DEBUT!!!!!!! 2nd, Jenny... Rebecca, SOLO DEBUT!!!!!! XD When I went up. Rebecca was smiling extremely brightly lol aw <3
I just saw Haruka do a cool thing with her left hand for CY on keyboard... so I copied... ^^;
Hurry back to lecture room to play piano, but realize i forgot my glasses in small hall. rush back, relieved to find it, meet Sahron, Francois and others looking for the CY members' treat. down hall, door opens and bangs my hand lol. others like "oh- are you koay!?" but i was fine, at least it didn't hit my face ^^; but it nearly happens again, like the door opens in front of me, at least once in CP and the person who opened the door is apologizing quickly in Korean lol... ^^;
Meet Megumi-san, head keyboard leader, who asks my age, then says she's thinking of making me next leader.
Um... WHA!?
It's because of something I said... how I answered a question about Chanyang keyboarding?
OMG.
Still, unsure about it, so I dunno. But right away, I prayed about it.
Ran halfway upt he hill to get back to song team in time. I have no idea where the energy came frmo. I never knew it was inside me to run liket hat!!!!!
We bang out Coutnry Roads, I THINK it was good. Asked MAna for the chords to the bridge after, cuz I don't know ><;
We got a new members in our group from Spain! Diana! ^^ My voice has morphed from the cold, can't recognize. I can't wait to cut my hair. Abby thought i was an aunt from behind frmo my baggy pants and bun omg... also we changed seats. I would've sat by the aisle, but Sharon switched with me OMG THANK YOU.
Kohwa always, always smiles, waves, says hi to me <3
There was a spider making webs in my laundry upstairs. All night, all i can remember is coughing, dreams, waking up, coughing, thinking it was cy practice, coughing.

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Chanyang.

All day everyday (almost) I feel so tired, miserable, can't wait for the day we go home. Energiless, sick (now) mind taken over by bad thoughts.
Then Chanyang meetings make me rush, feel stressed. I have to carry my CY clothes everywhere. Others have purses, small backpacks, or like most of the brothers, nothing to carry. But I CANNOT climb all the way up to the girls' room twice a day to change, or is that 4x?
So I get to CY, if early, sleep. Bow, pray, circle, clapping... I like making the circle ^^ shouting DEBUT & RASUTO~ is awesome <3 I still can only awkwardly raise my hand and bow head when I'm called. But others are so cool!
When I get to play, I feel so happy and grateful. It's hard for me to stay awake and energized with everyone else, doing ansu on the ground, but over at the right side with cy team, there's more air, room to move, feels good.
And piano itself, playing it makes me so happy. God is always playing with me. My miserable-ness turns into energy, stress into calm/100% devotion, decreasing will to go on is renewed and pumped max. only 1/2nd so far I can play, so when i go sit down for the rest of the session, i can sing and clap with all my heart, even with a breaking voice.
Because it's for the sick people/everone, for my family, future husband, and You, God, I can do it without worrying and being nervous AT ALL. SO. COOL. Can sing along, rocking (side to side) with vocals whenever I remember to lol ^^
At home, for a performance in front of maybe... 40 church members on a small, music night (we used to have those) I'd get deathly nervous, to the point of shaking!!! Here, I play everyday for hundreds (thousands?) of people without one speck, one thought or emotion of nervousness!
I... I think it's pretty cool... ^^

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P.S. I wrote with indentations and bolds and italics but blogspot undoes everything! =(

Update

To everyone who wants DBSK's "Doushite..." piano sheet music =
I DON'T HAVE ANY. I'm sorry!! .______."
Maybe Lina26435 has made some, but I dunno...! I'm really really sorry ><;

To everyone who wished me fun and happiness in Korea, THANK YOU!! :D I had an amazing time there. Will be posting humongous entry that no one will read hehe =)

To tuhina,
OMG you really read everything about me... XD thanks so much! Good luck with your language ambitions!! yay Asian languages XD thank you so much for watching and liking my videos... and yes i had an awesome time in Korea <33

Returned

I can't believe I'm back.
40 days... was long.
Will upload/post after long sleep, tho school is starting.
The past 40+ days were the hardest, most stressful of my whole life, really, but also the most fulfilling, amazing, inspiring and hopeful too. For one thing, I found the purpose of my life in Cheongpyeong. Through the people I met and became friends with.

Haven't checked any comments, emails of ANYTHING yet and won't for a few days. Shower, laundry, sleep...

I miss everyone from CP... <3

Jenny