Come on, come on...

Biked 32 miles yesterday... yesssss... felt so good, sweaty, tired, awesome!

Walked 4.6 miles, back from church, then biked 5 miles to the park to see the free concert that no one will go with me to so I will MAKE my own happiness and not depend on anyone else! Now for my daily walk with my sister... and then a movie and bed.

And today, food was good! No control-issues, a bit of anxiety, but overall splendid! :D I'm so happy! I have accidentally decided to not think about camp, not worry about it because there's nothing I can do about it anyway, so I will just freak out, cry, and be terrified this Thursday evening while I'm getting ready to go.

He invited me to hang out before he performs at the fair tomorrow. Hang out, with other friends too if they can make it... but... honestly, I'm scared. I don't want to. But I...

Yesterday, I biked to school. That was my plan. I visited my building, but then wondered... what if I keep going? Just going straight... I've never seen the end of this street. Okay so I kept going and going, and singing along OUT LOUD with my iPod, belting out songs cuz no one was around... the street turned into another name, and another name... then I thought.

What if I bike to HIS house?

It's MILES away, a little DRIVE, but... what if. Once I imagined myself going to bike to visit him for fun... of course, when we were still friends. But well, when the idea popped into my head, there was no turning back.

I got quite lost, in the middle of a big dusty industrial area/brown fields. It hit me where I was, I was WAY OFF, so I just followed my shadow and OH YEAH. I was so happy when I made it, not because it was his house but because I found my way and I knew it was MILES and miles.

I sat across his street and wrote my journal. Then... I wrote a note in the code he taught me that we used to use, snuck up to his grandpa's pick up truck, stuck it under the windshield wiper, and hightailed outta there.

32 miles... 5 hours... sweaty, aching... physically so happy :)

Bulimia free for one day, yay. Baby steps...

So Hard.

Five and a half days without throwing up, thrown out the window one hour ago.

No, not thrown out. I will keep increasing this period of time until it's NEVER. I am learning so much about myself, with my therapist and just thinking so much. I exercised so much this week to lose weight, and I've been severely disappointed no matter how hard I try, and I think because I restricted my food too much, I began to crave more and couldn't take it. I'm SO lucky and grateful I'm not completely out of control, and I ate too much FRUIT instead of junk food. But I don't know how long I can be good. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.

I read somewhere a long time ago, that a fast/strict diet is toughest on the 6th day. I can definitely attest to this. Today is my 5th day though. Gosh darns it all. My throat hurts. Please God, be with me? I'm so scared. I still miss him. But I'm putting You at my center, You at my center God. Please help me, please.

Last Day, Again.

Destroy one special relationship... sabotage another.
I'm a great person. Lose best friend, lose therapist in same week.

I realized there's 1% of me that's not willing to give up these disorders. And that's what's been stopping me, other than my stubbornness, unwillingness to forgive, not wanting to grow up, wanting comfort, rescue, love, and kind words, being afraid of responsibility. Blah blah blah. Today was extremely shocking, embarrassing, humiliating, sickening. It started good, but I knew it was going to be bad. Because it was all decided in my head how I was going to spend it. Stupid, right.

Saw pictures of the beach outing that I missed out on because I just could not bear to see him there.

He hadn't gone.

Still, I could not have been in the mood to be happy, and too embarrassed to show my fat face to my school friends, who have only seen me skinny.

I miss being skinny. It was my pride and joy to be called small, pretty, cute, adorable, skinny. SMALL. Pride and joy. Stupid. I'm so materialistic...? External. But it's a relief to have the agony of losing my best friend relieved, because I'm stupidly focusing all my life on this eating disorder. Stupid. Stupid. I want to know how he is. Is he fine already? I'm just worried, and so sorry.

My therapist said I knifed him, I did. I'm knifing my whole family, and her. Stabbing them with what I'm doing. Hurting everyone. I'm so numb, I'm unbelievable.

I can't go to camp fat. I just can't. There's so much I want to do, and I feel I can't do itf I'm fat. If it's that important to me, why do I keep doing this? Tomorrow it starts again. It feels so hopeless and stupid, just stupid stupid. How many times have I said, "from tomorrow, I'll diet" blah blah BLAH. Well, it has to be. I have less than two weeks to lose I don't even know how many pounds. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I feel sick. Terrified.

I just wish my therapist had some kinder words, a softer approach to helping me. Tough love, harsh advice. HE was so kind, gentle, understanding, encouraging... that's why I got too attached. And now he's gone, my therapist almost gave up on me because I hadn't told her about him, and she was blown away by my dishonesty. Chapter two problems are related to my eating disorders, she says. How? How? I have to. I have to. I missed the beach outing. I won't miss another fun outing. This Thursday is a sleepover at our house already, I'm screwed. Monday is a concert at the fair I'm going to for sure, I won't miss Tenth Avenue North. And then... camp. Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm scared to go fat, I'm scared to be energiless there, I'm scared of being fat forever. I can't stand it. I won't stand it. I hate this. I hate this. It's the worst physical feeling. This week has been terrible. I know I deserved it. I have to be a better daughter. I have to. Father's Day tomorrow? I have nothing. Nothing. But I have new goals starting tomorrow. Nothing will get in my way. I'll use my stupid stubbornness for this. If I follow the structure of last crash diet, I can lose 3 pounds the first day, then 2 each day after for a week. It was awesome, I can't believe I threw it away. This time I'll be more careful. I have a plan. Jenny does not fail when it comes to diet. I'll be my ideal weight again, and NO it is not going to be 85 pounds again. It's not even 94.5, Inoue Mao's weight, Becky's weight. My perfect weight was 107. Ish. I'd be happier with a safe little bumper, so maybe 103. Please. Please. Please. I have to.

Bulimarexic

THAT'S what I am. Two into one. I would've never, ever guessed that I would become one. But that's all I know now.

Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.

Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.

I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.

Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.

And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.

Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.

It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."

Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.

Agony Pt. 3

And it continues.

Mourning the loss of the best friend who knew everything about me, took care of me, looked out for me, understood me, never let me feel lonely. I accidentally put him in the center of my life, and now being suddenly torn out, it hurts like hell. I made a mistake. The little girl in me got too attached to him. But this has to be, because of me.

Yes... I didn't go to the beach. I hope they're having fun. I'm so sorry I couldn't handle it.

Talking to my mom for hours helped a lot. She said time heals all wounds. Time will heal this too. But the agony continued. The agony of overeating and gaining so much weight, plus the hurt I caused him, the devastation raging in my heart, the fear and uncertainty of school life from now on.

My mom says I am so protected by the spirit world and God, that nothing bad actually happened. It did not go anywhere past "really good friends," no physical mistakes, just too attached. I am protected.

At the store I walked to with my mom, there was a flute playing on the Mexican radio. It hurt. His playing made flute music beautiful to my ears. But I must let go. I accept this agony. I feel it, it kills me, but I choose to feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Time will heal, I believe it, I do. Please, oh please, this agony will cease. I hope he is all right too. I'm sad to think he may be just fine. Though even sadder and pained to think he is not all right, because of me. I'm so sorry.

I did my condition with my mom today. Afterward... I actually felt a tiny breeze of hope. Time will heal. I am not irreversibly fat. Summer camp can be good if I do my best and just love with all my heart, unconditionally. I can lose at least a few pounds healthily before camp to feel better, loosen my tight clothes, gain sport stamina for games, etc. And if I truly put God at my center, this agony will be relieved, my first broken heart (if this was a first love broken heart, I would be dead from pain, shame, impurity and loss. I am so lucky.) will heal, I can prepare for the matching, and go forth once again with a smile on my face.

Agony Pt. 2

Almost started crying before I was even fully awake. Terrified to get out of bed to face reality, the reality of being fat, of having hurt my best friend, having lost my best friend and not knowing how painful or how coldly we will acknowledge each other today at the beach. I feel like a thousand pounds, literally and metaphorically. This is the very worst I have ever, ever felt in my entire 20 1/2 years living on this Earth that God supposedly made for us to live, grow and bring Him joy.

My mom said I can't go to the beach. She's gonna have to tell my dad what's been happening at school, and she said he might make me drop out. I'm so scared. I keep ruining my own life. I wish I could feel just a little comfort and safety once more. Where does one find comfort, love, and safety? Parents... family... God... church... friends. Well, despising myself this much and not having an ounce of hope to my name, I can't even accept comfort maybe.

What do I do, what do I do. I told my friend I can't go to the beach, she called me to ask why, I can't even tell her it's because I cannot bear to see him. My mom says I have to let go. Just let go. Before, I only saw myself going to the beach. I HAD to go, to see where we stood now, how "just casual and not best friends" felt like. But now... should I really not go? If I didn't see him all summer, maybe by the time fall semester started I would feel like we hadn't talked, hadn't kept each other updated, hadn't connected at all and had been naturally reduced to just casual friends.

I feel like my heart is being mangled between two hands. Squeezed, pulled, just mangled mercilessly. What do I do, oh what. Do. I. Do.

Agony

Suddenly without my always-there best friend, I am pummeled, crushed, and paralyzed by agony, confusion, shock, devastation, pain, loneliness, regret, fear, hurt, guilt, hopelessness, loss, disbelief, torture, terror, uncertainty, trauma.

Anything vaguely close to a unpleasant feeling, God knows how I deal with that. Binge to numb it. When that wears off, feel so, so disgustingly fat and uncontrollably revolting, so purge. Guilty, fat, ugly, agony, loss, devastation all come back. Repeat cycle.

And you have, the worst day in my entire life part 2.

My childhood best friend facebooked me while I was writing a huge confessional letter to my mom, after such purging, while waiting alone for her outside the karaoke building. With my new phone I get vibrations the MOMENT notifications pop up, so... RIGHT then, she was thinking of me? Spiritual...?

I stopped believing in God today. He's never there. He's not here now, when my world shattered and I completely gave up. Utter agony, utter agony, utter agony. There is nothing more. I feel... like I can never be happy again. I will never get better. Life is too hard but suicide leads to eternity of torture, so what the heck am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T! WHAT. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. DO.

I can't staff camp like this. I can barely see the stupid computer screen my eyes are blurry, face swollen. Geez, how many hours of tears today and yesterday. This hurts. This really hurts. Why am I not dead yet, from emotional... I dunno, trauma? How is he feeling today? I can't imagine how tomorrow will be, seeing him for the first time with this mind. Our minds. "Un-become best friends"? The most painful words I have ever been told.

And hey, there are only more struggles to come in this world. Marriage, career, in-laws, family, deaths, money, children, eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything? How. Will. I. Survive. I used to think life was joyful, yes life was full of joy and beauty. Now, it's something to survive? Stumble through while getting shot at, drowned, strangled, betrayed, hurt, ignored, angered, terrified...? Why am I so pessimistic. I am hopeless. I am scared. Immature, irresponsible, stubborn, STUBBORN to death.

When was the last time I was happy? Wait, happy? What's happiness? Huh? Happiness? That's Greek to me. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what have I done, and why am I here. I'm not expecting an answer though, oh no, I won't get my hopes up. I cannot withstand another disappointment. I just can't.

The moment I finished typing, he texted me.

We are to un-become best friends.

I will never give that much of myself to another, ever in my entire life. I have only gratitude to God and him that it never went further than best friends, but... I cannot imagine next semester. And I don't think my shocked, strangled heart will heal for a long time, nor these tears run dry tonight.

I have never felt like this before. Utter emotional agony. Regret, pain, despair, terror. And I didn't find God's hand in time to be with Him to lessen this shocking loneliness. This hurts so much. I was so stupid. What am I going to do.

Devastation.

Thank you Phuong... your schedule was really insightful. It looks like you'd be hungry though! It's interesting to hear that you could really measure and see your progress by the time that passed between purges.

----------------------------------------

It feels like... my best friend... dumped me... yesterday. I became too much of a burden, he couldn't do any more for me, did I relieve him of his torture? Now he feels self-loathing, he went on and on typing on Facebook, I couldn't interject, then suddenly he was gone.

Um... since then, I've just been a mess of confusion, devastation and hopelessness? I did NOT realize how much of my life was founded on his friendship, until he suddenly snipped me off. "bye" I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling other than miserable, self-hatred, hopelessness, FAT, fat, ugly, fat, hopeless, DEVASTATION, that is the only word I keep going over and over on in my head.

Family relations are up and wonderful. It's finally warm and I've been waiting for summer all year. But now I'm fat and can't enjoy it. I wore my new summer dress today though, and did my hair as pretty as possible to walk to the library with my little sister. The day I decide to wear this long-awaited short dress, I had to walk by a construction site (meaning... men) and it was windy and I was self-conscious.

Heat is wonderful. Sun is so pleasant. Why did I ruin my body as my favorite season arrived? When a beach trip is but two days away. Last week I lost 12 pounds through fasting and exercise, and... just wow, I am unbelievably hopeless.

I got my new phone. I only got a new phone and plan so I could mostly text him, my main support through my eating disorders. He knows everything about me, and I him. He was helping so much, just by knowing, supporting, talking to me, then suddenly... oh so suddenly he lost confidence in himself...? I don't even know what happened! And he was criticizing himself, saying he felt stupid. He knows how I could get better, right away. He can see the button to press for me to get better. But there was a ten foot thick wall of plexiglass in front of it. And it was torture to stare at it. I... inferred that the wall was my church, my family, my decision. I could not change my decision. So he decided to turn away from the button, forget he ever saw and felt the want to press it, and... said bye.

I have no idea where we stand. I'm so... lost.

I was not conscious of how centered my life was on him. And now I'm struggling to find God and make him my anchor, He who it was supposed to be from the beginning. God, where are You?

I am waiting and waiting and hoping and praying that he will text me, SOMETHING will happen, we will move. I feel so, so lost and floundering and crazy not knowing what the heck I am anymore to him, and what he's feeling and if he's upset and hates me, hates me, hates my guts... or feels bad, or is lost like me? Or has forgotten me, cut me off. What am I, where am I, what is he doing, where does our friendship stand, how in the world will I act when I see him on Thursday... Yet... I asked my friend if she's talked to him, and she has, and he... sounds like he's having such busy fun on a new project. I don't know what to feel.

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I hate being numb.

Lady Antibellum's song played TWO TIMES in my short car rides today. Stop torturing me, please.

What is wrong with me.

Week 1

One week. One blasted week. You couldn't do it.
Too hungry, to weak-willed, idiot. You fail. Tomorrow, you pay.

The Colors of Life

Today... I hiked while listening to Christmas music (just for a little bit lol) with my best friend in the hills :) With my low energy and hunger, I would NOT have made it up the whole tortuous uphill alone lol.

Hm... I miss ballroom dancing :(

Mama warned me very harshly to start getting myself together and acting, and deciding as if I am engaged. Because it's true, I am as good as engaged. I realized if I did think like that, I wouldn't do some things that I have been doing. But I still cried in fear, anger, and pain when I realized what I would have to give up. And it's only to "protect" myself from other BCs and their parents. Sigh.

So I felt a wide range of emotions today, mainly happy, but ending with shocking, exhausting, burdening news. But... for the most part... I loved being able to feel again. Feel, feel emotions! I'm not numb anymore! I CHOOSE TO FEEL, YES!!!!! THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU :D

Baby steps

I had a phone session with my therapist today, yay. I feel much more cheerful, since... last Saturday lol. Saturday was the end of the world... I don't know how many times the world has "ended" for me and I'm reborn given a second (third, fourth, twentieth) chance the next day. Only to fail 99% of the time. "But this time will be different! This time I won't fail...!" Blah blah blah.

THIS time, I'm with Heavenly Father, and walking with True Parents!! Through my therapist, sort of, :) I mean, I totally surrender to God and will do everything my therapist says, I trust her, and I will NOT get better without God and TP ever, ever never ever. All I can do is surrender to them. So, even if the condition I have done for five days now gets more agonizing by the day, I will do it even, gah!

7 pounds lost in four days... not bad....? Water weight, pooey. The beach trip was moved to next Wednesday, only A WEEK goshdarnsit. And I'm so tired all day, all day my legs... this feeling is all too familiar and not welcomed back :( But I know better this time. AND, I know my period will come back like it did last month! So, if I just eat the right stuff and stay at a good stable weight I'll still have it. I'm gonna test how low I can go and keep it...

The one, blinding, shining beautiful hope I hold, 95% of the drive I have to recover comes from yearning for the Matching and Blessing. My dream. Someone asked me, where do I picture myself in 5 years? A school best friend, in the midst of all our music major, transfer, picking classes talk. And I froze. What in the world...?

All I knew was, I will be married (I didn't say "blessed" XP). That's all I knew. I have no idea what job I will have, if I'll STILL be in school for some reason, where will I live... I don't know. All I know and HOPE with all my heart, is I'll be blessed and living for the sake of my husband with all my heart, soul, mind and body.

Heavenly Father... is someone like me... do you still have someone out there waiting for someone as awful as me... as messed up, desperate, unworthy as me...? Will this be the hardest thing I'll ever hard to overcome...? Even if not, it'll make me a stronger person. I promise I'll get better, Lord, I will, I can't NOT get better. My whole life's purpose is to be matched and blessed, to live and love one man, your son Heavenly Father... I need You now, please... to recover once and for all. I want to hold Your hand through this... I'm always afraid. Even though the only Bible quote I know, from years back, is Proverbs 27:1, why can't I keep that in my heart and believe it? Why did I become such a mess. Did I do something wrong...?

Wait, I already know the answer! I know exactly why this happened. And I don't regret it happening. I am glad to have gone through this. I hope... maybe it's so I can help someone else, like me, in the future? Maybe. Or be a stronger person, that will never leave the church, never leave You? Maybe when I recover, my matching will be so strong it'll never break? Because a broken Blessing is my worst nightmare. Along with never recovering.

If he knew everything about my past... would any possible match reject me? Give up on me? Hate me? Think I'm disgusting? I... wouldn't be able to take that... until I truly believed in the value YOU have in me, Heavenly Father. Where is my value... how can You love ME. I have to try harder, try better... I have to... I must, GAH.

Love... love...

Friends... all over the world supporting me... I can't let them down, omg... I won't. I can't believe it, sometimes... sigh...

True love... "unconditional love"


I have felt the love of my parents... I have (most of the time..?) felt love for my siblings. But I have yet to perfect BOTH these loves. It's so hard to accept anything from my parents, I'm so stubborn and stuck. And my siblings... I have been lost in my own demented world for so long, they are probably fine without me, or look down on me, and I get mad at little things they do anyway... I have to fix this... by fixing myself first? I will. I will.

One Heart Camp will be such a wall, such a huge, towering wall that I have to climb. I'm already getting nervous. I know it'll be so hard. So hard... I'm afraid. But... I have a game plan? A very simple one. I'll try. Gah, I will try...

I'm tired now...

But it's so nice to have a real, live person on this earth that knows everything about me. School is a place for miracles, where we can meet lifelong (hopefully) friends who accept everything about you and love you unconditionally. I'm supposed to say that about church I suppose... but to be honest I've never gotten this close to a BC... as close as I've gotten to this friend :) It's nice not to be alone and have someone to vent, run to when you're beaten down, and they accept you and help you up again ^^ I will not compromise my matching/husband, though, I won't :)

I am afraid.

2.5 Good Days

Five pounds lost so far, water weight but still feel and look better. Woke up feeling so nauseous and hungry this morning, but hah, I will not lose. Less than a month to be my favorite weight again, before Santa Cruz with my friends, before summer camp... I will wear that pretty dress that I don't have yet, have the legs I used to like... be pretty... I'm so tired... walking is hard again, I remember this feeling... So much to do, but feel like I'm wasting time...

Ooooooooooh, a NEW rock bottom. Awesome.

Today, I drank a bottle of chocolate syrup with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, and then un-drank it! Along with many other highly caloric, fattening comestibles while knowing the consequences, not wanting to eat it, and feeling utterly sick. But unable to stop. I wasted lots of money. I ate almost a whole large caesar's pizza with a Wendy's vanilla shake. Then because throwing up wasn't working, I drank vinegar, salty cold coffee, and downed 28 laxative pills.

So, at therapy this morning... I got an A+ for being the best advertisement for hopelessness. I really gave up. I did. Lost a contact crying and rubbing my eyes out. I am hopeless. I am fat and ugly on top of that. I DID believe I was skinny and pretty, last April. Last April I was happy, SO, happy.

Stupid, stupid.

Even though I saw you, I saw you! And talked to you. But I was so numb, it didn't matter. Still... I played piano for you and your parents today. I will smile no matter how awful I feel inside.

I am not going down without a fight.

Doomed. Yups.

I think so, that's what I am. Doomed.
I'm too much of a coward to face the real problem, and it'll destroy the outside of me while it kills me from the inside. Am I really that hopeless? I had thought I could actually overcome this. Wow. Did praying help?

The more my friend tries to help me, the more uncooperative my stupid body gets. Or is it my head that's stupid? It's not doing much good thinking, the past month. Stupid, stupid. I hate, hate being fat, I HATE IT, STUPID!

And I am NOT READY TO FORGIVE!!!! I AM SO NOT READY TO FORGIVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I can't go on like this forever!!!!!! But it seems like I'll end up doing it anyway.

Even tonight, the first day of the matching convocation. My parents were supposed to go and look for my future husband. But BECAUSE I was bingeing and purging WHILE they were there, and before, and way before, THAT'S WHY I WASN'T READY, and man, I'm tired.

Now what?

The author of this blog has passed away, due to an overdosing on laxative pills.

Just kidding. I am alive.

Day one, woo hoo. The pain came at 7:30am, that familiar pain yups. Severe diarrhea and stomach pain three times? I would've continued in my mini-coma like last time I overdosed, sleeping until 2pm, goodness gracious. But my friend texted me. He needed to talk! So I was able to get up. Seriously, my mom calling me to get up was not working.

Offering table at church, drink lots of water and have one banana after much internal debate. Nap a tiny bit, freezing cold. Moment I got home, CRASH in bed but GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH another friend texted, needing help sorting sheet music at school. I had to go.

But before I went, mama FORCED me to eat lunch. I did not want much lunch, not on this day one of my new diet, but she got mad and then got really serious and scary and I still did it. She said... she feels like crying so hard, at what's happening to me in this family. She doesn't know how to help me, she feels hopeless. I need an eating disorder counselor, my current therapist is not working, she said. I confessed about the laxatives, just spat the words out. I was so angry, scared, frustrated, that I started laughing. I must be insane. Hey, instead of an eating disorder specialist, or behavior therapist, just drop me off at the asylum.

I still cannot digest these things. I avoid eye contact, I eat (not badly, today thank God) and without words, I numbly unconsciously chant "I don't believe this I don't believe this this isn't happening, this can't be happening, I don't like this at all please stop." I'm such a coward. I can't face anything. And I finally, finally cried for the first time in weeks.

Progress! I can cry again! Not too numb. I hope I burst into tears in some public spot and make a whole huge dramatic commotion.

Filing at school with friends was fun. My hair was not straightened, I was so much fatter than the last time they saw me, so I don't know what they thought. And my yearning to have a guy, just my guy, my future husband/fiancee, came back again, ahhh...

Moment I got home, CRASH in bed. Really sleep this time. I heard mama come in though, and I heard her... I think she just stood there and stared at me for some time. Touched my head too. And then I HAD to go to stupid, stupid choir practice so I had to eat dinner. Food is TOTALLY different to me from yesterday. It was a nightmare yesterday, it had control and numbed me. Today... I still abhor it, but it's not overwhelming. I'm tired.

Choir was as miserable as I thought it'd be. Wanted to cry, but great I didn't. Nap in the car as my mom shopped, and FINALLY can go home to sleep. But great, tomorrow we all have to get up early and now my mom's hounding me like I'm still 10 years old to go to bed, go to bed, blah blah blah.

I still wish, with my immature, naive little self... that someone out there could fix me.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... to fix you.

You sang so.