From the day they became friends
He felt as if he already knew her
Two lives melded into one
Their bond, completely pure
What was natural for them
Was being always with the other
Where ever she was he would be
Just like an older brother
While growing up together
He would never realize it
The place in him where only she
Could ever really fit
Why did he end up falling for her?
It was only way too late
That he found out who she was to him
She'd already chosen her own fate
He could say nothing, just stand and watch
She stood in a long white dress
On her wedding day he watched her pledge
Her love to someone else
Not being the one standing next to her
He just wanted to return to before
He'd thought it through, and through and through
But they couldn't return anymore
Why didn't he hold tightly onto her hand?
No matter how much time had passed
He always thought she'd be next to him
Thought that through anything, they'd last
Though he's nowhere near her anymore
He's always praying that she
Can find eternal happiness
Where he could never be
Why did he end up falling for her?
Friends, that's all that they had been
It all happened way too fast
He was left hanging in between
Why did he end up falling for her?
Years have passed, and spring is in blossom
But always, for her happiness he prays
No matter how lonely he'll become
ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー
This was an English assignment lol. "Write an English Ballad of your own" XP. Well my mind went completely blank so I used THSK's "Doushite Kimi wo Suki Ni Natteshimattandarou" lyrics and turned them into a kinda poem/story thing... is that plagiarism? O_o; Well, this is what came out =\
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Cheongpyeong 126th Int. 2nd Gen 40 Day Workshop [Part 2]
July 31st [Day 22]
Coughed all night 밤새도록~ Bad sleep. Cold air caused coughing, slept late, 4:45 ><; Francois new brother in leading the bows, korean pledge. For the 2nd time, I skip Holy Ground, this time to help Victoria and Rebecca do our DP lecture poster. All I do is two yin/yang symbols and eat Rebecca's cream puffs.
CY practice,
"Sebonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUT!!!!"
Yesssssssssssss x3 nervous. Keyboard leader's RASUTOOO!!! I learned how to turn on the piano. Francois practicing hard.
Honestly, I felt a lil tired cuz I COULDN'T SEE THE CARDS. I think it was Denise-sshi... could see only when she stood up. I PLAYED TANSHIMGA TOO FAST!!!!! But I'm thankful to God that I didn't make any major mistakes... and the whole thing/session was really fun, especially the end, banging the chords XD
Just 17 more days, 17 more long days... I'm close, close to realizing what my purpose of life is... leaning to translating from frustration of not being able to understand Kayoko-sshi, Makoto-sshi, Jessica and Rebecca speaking Cantonese/Mandarin with Sharon, Grace, newcomers Motoyo, Rebecca... an djust anyone here. Hearin the languages I love, unable to understand... I hate it to the point where I'll dedicate my life to understanding, and helping others understand and feel others' words with their hearts.
Wow, I'm strengthening these thoughts and still undecided heart just by writing this down XD
After CY, talked to Megumi-san with Kayoko-san at the Japanese office about me becoming leader. Still, I'm shocked at them picking me, me of all people!!!
Soonam-oppa called me, "dependable" or was it "reliable"? ^^;
OK, playing for the song team is beyond awesome <3>n<; I love being on song team though... <3 A TEAM. Chanyang too. A team. A group. Together, with a purpose, bonds, devotion, hard work, for others. 사랑해요, 이 기분이 <3
Aw Jessica gave me Korean rock chocolate...! ^^;
Lunch with Kinesha, Heejin (who finished the workshop but came back to visit ^^) then go to Japanese office again but Megumi-san not there, so go to store and buy lil-keyboard-leader-notepad.
Finished lecture poster (1:30 - 4pm) well, Victoria did. She skipped meals to finish the beautiful artwork and invested 100% into it! I invested 5% of myself. Rebecca, maybe 90%. I'm so bad. We practiced our lecture, skit. Pretty confident. Just that I have speaking to do, and my voice is like gone. Garble.
Down to cafeteria, nothing to do. Talk. Sleep with head on table. Then... something wrong.
MOTOYO IS CRYING. Where's her trinity? Who's in it? Because she feels like no one needs her advice and what she has to offer!! =\ She's crying so hard...
If I'M struggling with this schedule, what about HER and everyone younger than me?! And look how much heart and effort she puts into her time here... I should be stronger than this...
Sisters comfort her until she can stop crying... I think her trinity comes back from somewhere...
I still can't believe I will be キーボードー長｡
I can't wait to tell my parents!! I haven't called then for a long while. no time, not really feel like i have anything to say. i won't call until i've become an acceptable piano leader. i'm sure jyun-sshi will be more leader-like than me... demo ganbarimasu!!
I'm so jealous of Haruka, Jyun-sshi, Erika, Korean kangsanims... they're all tri-lingual!!!!! What I need to work so hard to become, they are naturally!!! Or are they... did they study, or grow up learning? =\
Later
My clothes are getting moldy! I left them, wet, in a bag for three days and now... there are black spots and they're stinking up teh whole hallway omg ><; what should i do!!!?? at times like these, i just wanna cry, "Mama-----!!"
After dinner, hurry to Jp office, but Megumi-san not there again! AH!! I need to talk to her!! So nervous about being new leader... I Think I really am becoming it...
At CY practice, Soonae ecstatic for me. I'm just scared. Meeting go... then.. Jyun...-shi? pull me to front where I gargle out "keyboard, jeokbonjjae Yuuka-sshi" but no one hear anything i say!! xnx; jyun-sshi help me whole time, smiling, thumbs up <3 then akoto-sshi announce i'm new leader and everyone clap... i bet they might've been thinking, "SHE'S the new leader!? Wtheck...!?"
Then I'm completely lost. What the heck do i do next?
Haruka comes up to me, claps my shoulder.
｢ベッキちゃん，がんばって｡｣
<3
On stage for practice, Yeonhi tell me to tell everyone *two fingers, then roll hands like drum "faster" sign* lol... we have one new member! Tho we're losing three. I did dubonjjae. Ara was first, solo debut (I could finally SEE the cards) then Yen Chuan-oppa. before, he massaged his face for a long time in preparation to smile for 30 minutes lolollll ^^;
OMG the main vocal dude (debut, from our workshop) never gave me one FULL eye contact! Then he just went to turning his head at me without any eye contact at all!! I felt annoyed but tried to keep a sincere heart...
After, hurry around... Kayokosan tell me about covering piano, then find Kohwa to translate x) so jealous!! but yeah, I'm pretty scared right now. Too many important things to remember. Have to find MEgumi-san and write everything down!!!
Francous asked me to help him practice piano after lunch tomorrow. Winna gave me two throat candies ^^ I'm worrying so much about my cold, I need to NEED TO get better to be a good leader!!!!!!
Motoyo heard me coughing like crazy, gave me medicine from Hong Kong!! I thought it helped, but by bedtime I was going insane again. Each breath is difficult because it triggers coughs for some reason... and sometimes stuff (mucus-y) gets stuck in my throat and I can't breathe and I'm afraid for my life, going to SUFFOCATE ><; All night, half-sleep, cough, sweating, sitting up, LATE FOR CY PRACTICE nightmares.
August 1 [Day 23]
Dress clothes. Clean upstairs bathroom, brush hair (LOL, that's rare) go only to Water of Life, 3rd time no Tree of Blessing. Getting lazy after first time, seeing how easy it was to not go.
So happy, played Song of the Garden well for song team (i think i did...) <3
Simply, I'm terrified.
DP contest, music club performances? THat's nothing compared to my pleading, begging, yearning, stress to becoming a good piano leader. It's all i can pray about.
Christelle, Sharon, Grace, Sophie congratulate me on becoming leader. Christelle knows it's weird, being leader of people older than you... ^^
MEGUMI-SAN NOT THERE! Was closed, 7am. Help Francois practice now instead of later.
Doing my best, but still can't believe/act like i am a leader. i know nothing!! Yeonhi would be a better leader, or haruka (leaving) and why not Jyun!!!?? I'm happy and grateful for this chance, but i feel so unworthy!!!!
even so... even so!! i'll do my best.
Um...I did the third pianist part. and I realized, a little too late, it was the wrong sheet music for tanshimga. So... p;laying with one hand, i searched the other sheets while hundreds of eyes were on me. FREAKING OUT. Screaming in my head, NO NO NOOOOO!!!! Saved myself by the second time through. only made it by the memorized bits i could remember and the weird, wrong sheets in front of me. but face hot, feel so bad. after, turn off keyboard, abby tell me it's okay, i was good. but i walked away with my head down, wanting to run and hide. apologized to God. go straight to Jap office and ask questions, take notes, get sheet music.
I was totally alone at JSW. Apologize, beg... apologize.
After these 40 days, where everyday , ever minute i had to be somewhere to do something like...; CY, climb, sweat, sleep only 5 hours... go home, sleep a week, then have nothing to do for a while will. feel. good. then get a job, start new life of after CP *
During lecture, didn't listen or learn ANYTHING. I miss my family so much. I can't call them until I've become an acceptable leader. But it feels like I have an endless mountainous amount of things to learn, memorize to be a piano leader. so. afraid. so. worried. especially because it's a 2 day workshop tomorrow. so. scared.
죽을 만큼... 두려워.
I want to go HOME.
Practice Tanshimga with Jyun-sshi in Small hall after hurried lunch. Goodness, drum leader is everywhere lol ^^; Hurry music club. After, Geojitmal with Abby ^^
Half-sleep through whole HDH. I'm so afraid. Too stressed. I Want to go home. Please, let me sleep, not be burdened with Keyboard leader duties... please... God... I feel so alone, even though Harumi is practicing guitar right next to me.
I miss my family. I'm so tired, of everything. Exhausted, stressed, afraid, zero self esteem, i could DIE here, couldn't I? Maybe, one hopeless feeling day, I could fast and do everything physical and tire myself out until I faint and then I can LIE DOWN, rest for a day or two and make everyone worry about me.
Lol... *tears*
At 4pm, our music club performed Tonghua, It's God's Community and One Family Under God yups. I Think we did all right... ^^ I messed up in the intro of the first song goshdarnsitall >_o; but i didn't see Kenmei playing piano or anything for the greater good XP
Art club was GOOD! (GACs?) Seijin, Jeremy, Like, David. They're all really good! =) Then OMG STOMP TEAM. Jessica, Rebecca, Kinesha, Heejin, Kohwa and Victoria really surprised me!! It was like... a banging... kinda slightly creepy in-synch dance :D Then our trinity do our lecture and skit.
Ting-Yi onni!!!! New keyboard member!!!! :DDDDDD She can already play too!!! :D Later Eliot-oppa asks if I can play "crazy songs" like "Flight of the Bumblee." I can't. I don't know that song either... ><; later other trinity do their lectures. Sharon's was SO. Good. took notes.
Today was the first day I ever fell asleep during the day. Anyway, tired. I want to go home so badly. I'm soooooo stressed because I don't know if the CY leaders will announce the whole 2 day workshop performers next meeting!!!!! So scared.
神様!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The song we sang this morning was "Let It Be." the lyrics kind of match my life right now.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Heavenly Father comes to me... Speaking words of wisdom, [Let it Be...]
"And in my HOUR OF DARKNESS, He is standing right in front of me... SPeaking words of wisdom, [Let it be...]
"[Let ie be, let it be, let it be oh let it be...] Whisper words of wisdom...
"[Let it be...]"
神様，私に何か伝えていますか…？Maybe... "걱정하지마..."?
I think you gave me this position to pull me away from my bad habits. No time to doze off, or ボーっとして。
But I dunno if I can handle the responsibility of this. What if I can't be a good leader and ruin everything? I'm trying to search for self-confidence and ability in this. But it's so hard.
The 2 day workshop coming up is terrifying me.
During cleaning I lay on the ground on 3rd floor and fell asleep with rebecca, motoyo. Wake up, go Water (skip mountain AGAIN.). I run after Jyun-san and she answer my questions about this morning CY. YES i have to announce members for whole two day workshop...
so well... at meeting, all i could do is announce morning CY, then Jyun-sshi explained ot makotosshi that becuase i "couldn't" talk to megumi san i couldn't announce... THANK YOU SO MUCH JYUN-SAN. LIFE SAVER.
Before CY, Naomi came to my side and thanked me for smiling last night, it really helped (she was main vocal)
OMG. made my day <3 i did not know i did that.
then did 3bonjjae pretty well... SO HAPPY. go jp office, ask million questions to megumi-san about 2 day workshop, feel much better ^^;
The abscences i notice most are August, Insun, and Hide. =(((((
At lunch asked Megumi-san MORE questions, bought socks, throat candy, batteries, tissues, silver pencil case.
DP lecture contest: 3 - 4:30. Some, SO SLEEPY while listening. Others, hilarious, LOVED. So far, Seiya's trinity was the BEST, SO HILARIOUS yet you learn A LOT. Thomas-oppa had to cut off people cuz they took a long time, even after he made the "T" sign... ^^;
At dunner hurry, stressed, WHERE JYUNSAN!? oh yeah before dinner asked megumi-san MORE questions XP Vocal leader tell me important stuff like tomorrow 7:20am B1 for practice. Um, omg. I haven't practiced Grace of the Holy Garden in G. I'm gonna die.
Denise-sshi tell me perfing CY has to sit at CY place during lecture, and I DON'T have to play piano for kangsanim tonight!! only josanghaewon!!! Contrary information, but she sounds so sure... so i believe and thank her. yeah omg SHE WAS RIGHT THANK YOU DENISSEEEE-SHIIIII!!!!!!
Searching while singing for SOonae, tell other if see her tell her... then POP & OMG she's there and I'm so happy i wanna hug her!!!!!!!! <3 now we two perfers were ready ^^
Didn't listen to lecture at all ><; so stressed... thinking of everything i have to do...
Heavenly Father, please help me, please.
Even though I do everything FOR You, I can't do it, or anything WITHOUT You.
I always say in my prayers, that I'm doing my best for my family, world and everyone here, future husband, and God. FIGHTING.
At CY couldn't see cards GOSHDARNSITALL so messed up a lot, and couldn't even hear own playing cuz speaker too low ><; keyboard team cleaned stage after, SO HAPPY MEMBERS REMEMBERED <3
Oh omg today, Ting-Yi onni went to the hospital because her hand is swollen from a spider bite!!!!! O____X; right when she joined, too! =(
*sigh* am i doing things RIGHT?! Tanshimga too fast? loud? playing too bouncy? Bangy? Someone, tell me how to be a better leader!!!! I have no idea waht i'm doing!!!!!!
Kangsanim said that the Japanese people are getting scared of walking the streets, afraid to die. evil spirits influencing people to kill, commit suicide. O_O;
August 3 [Day what? What happened to August 2nd!? Days are getting all mixed up ><;]
Hardest day to get up. Jessica and Rebecca and I lay down on the last unmade sleeping bag and closed eyes fo a few last (savory?) minutes. then the day began. another one...
Holy ground after hdh in small hall, get water with sarah, mako and aika who want to go home and eat chinese food lol ^^
Practice Seongweoneh Eunsa in G, then Vocal leader, Makoto-sshi and Yasutaka-san come and warm up their voices. after, they talked to me in Japanese it was so nice =)
At CY Kuniyuki-san tap my shoulder telling me that volume of keyboard too loud. i thought so too but too scared unsure tomove. the Kangsanim himself was motioning it was too loud!! I hurry and lower but it seemed not to change!! I feel so bad. couldn't wait until i got on. turned volume down, sit and begin to feel better...
THE FAN BLEW TANSHIMGA SHEET MUSIC PAPERS TO THE FLOOR!!! What should I have done!? THANKFULLY LIFESAVINGLY MAKOTO-SAN TURNED THE FAN AROUND OMG. THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOOOUUU MAKOTO-SAN!!!!!!
JSW, stressed if i'm supposed to go to piano for kangsanim. i freak out. jyun-san tell me she'll tell me when, in korean, he ask for pianist. he does. i run up, bowing all over the place, cuz HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE WAITING FOR ME, WHO WAS LATE, BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN.
Daemonim walk in while i play.
i look down, concentrating so hard.
Daemonim malsseum. then fastest CY Start ever, no time to breathe. bow, go, start, BAM Moonkangsanim so fast. God pulling me, helping me do everything. then miraculously, i put at good volume and play it in G, all right.
It's AMAZING what a key change can do. it felt so much more exciting, uplifting... goosebumps... it felt like... i dunno... awakening? amazing. i was really scared though since i had practiced it for like 30 min, ever. sometimes moon-kangsanim skip eye check . it's funny to see everyone's different style in doing main vocals lol XD
Megumi-san come, relieve my stress!! I WAS DONE WITH 2 DAY WORKSHOP!!!! Her style/playing is SO COOL, diff. from mine! she followed sheet music maybe... i didn't... i just transposed it from F ><;
Later, Kayoko-san (former keyboard leader) tell me, "you can do it!" <3
HAIRCUT! FI..NAL.LY!!!! had to sit on anita's lap tho, car full ><; we waited at the hair cut place for three hours and 45 minutes for our haircuts. everyone taht came in and the brothers got to go first. looked at magazines, drank lil bottle of something... at least there was AC. half-slept.
What was funny was when the barber lady finished cutting uh... Colin?-oppa's hair, it was all combed and stuff, and he immediately messed it up with his hands and everyone laughed XD
cut hair finally yeah, somehow got what i wanted across to korean barber... "fringe" and shorter and layer or something yeah, i dunno i pinned it up right away after getting bangs retrimmed before paying 6,000w.
OH! I HEARD TABLO-OPPA'S VOICE ON A KOREAN COMMERCIAL! :D
4th in line for dinner. buy two clips from store to hold up shorter hair ><; my cold is nearly gone, my voice louder!!! Sharon-onni say i'm becoming a better leader too! :D
CY = VOLUME IS SUCH A PROBLEM!!! ARGH@!!!! and omg the drums were MOVING, blocking view to cards, the piano pedal slipping... ><;
August 4
the first thought i had this morning, right when i was capable of thinking after sleep, i thought, 'i can't wait for bed time tonight. just 18 more hours to go.' >______<;
piano solo accompaniment w/o eliot-oppa dongsane norae, everyone sing <3 go tree of blessing first time all weekend, high-five kohwa <3
I CAN CALL MY FAMILY NOW!!! AT LUNCH!!!! X)
At CY, i ask Naomi if keyboard volume too loud, she say maybe a lil. turn around, see yasutaka-san signaling to me, too loud. i go up, vol down, he motion "ok" phew. he's so yasashii~ ^^
また，CYを無事に出来ました！！本当にありがとうございます，神様!!!!!! <3
Piano for song team, MESS UP!! TOO FAST CHORD CHANGE!! >_______< I'M SORRY ELIOT-OPPA, EVERYONE!!! x(((((((
discussion about protection factors against the fall... TINY LIL KID ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS SO CUUUUUTE. can't believe he has more opinion, voice and understanding than me...!!!! XD
Thomas-oppa called me pro-pianist... x3
invited to mana's bday party! talk with harumi, oh! Ting-Yi-onni know Debussy, and at her Chi. university study "apply music" like for CM! XD
Uh, had random thought. I want to play music with my husband...
Abby said that I look like one of the brothers here, like we could be long-lost siblings!! WHOA WHO THE HECK...!!!???? O_o;
Will i cry when the workshop is coming to an end, and i can no longer be on the song team, cy team, and in the workshop in general? and freak out if i haven't figured out hte purpose of my life yet?
lunch with takami from vancouver, who guessed i was 16/17 omg lol! anita guess i was 15!! XXDD
run to phone. kuni is calling home too. so proud to tell daddy i'm leader of keybaord <3 also tell of when dmn came in, music club, dp contest... so hot... THEY'RE PLANNING TO GO CAMPING WHEN I COME BACK, even if school starts cuz now that we all homeschool, we can go whenever XD CAN"T WAIT!!
run to 3rd floor, go up secret (not really xp) stairs with Kinesha. she's so loving and FUNNY!!! <33333333333
Girls meeting, i was late. moving to tears, but didn't want to cry there ><; miranda-onni...!!! nina-onni!!!!!
dp lecture contest pt. 2. Patrick-oppa's was awesome!! Mana's trinity's pictures so cute <3 go to her b-day party, eating lots of snacks... Kinesha run up telling me Makoto-sshi wants to see me, he's waiting for you at the men's bath entrance.
I take off, terrified.
he tell me in japanese that because we're moving to daiseiden, keyboard team has to move piano upstairs. i nod when i understand, but he still ask if i understand.. and i don't know what to say with my heta japanese and i feel bad and yeah...
ARGH. STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.
frantic shower, hurry dinner, only able to find and tell Francois to help, he go, i go. Makoto-sshi and him already moving it up!! Megumi-san winding cords, i bring stand, sweaty. so many ppl here now! kinda mad cuz really don't lke it when so many people here. but not supposed to think like that, GOD'S VIEWPOINT!
Soonae 1st (love her, she's so gooood and dependable!!!!! <3) me 2nd, kaya-sshi debut!!!! she did AWESOME <3
during my part, my mind wandered for ONE second and when i came to, i was playing the wrong part. I WAS SO HORRIFIED. i couldn't smile anymore.
i prayed a lot after. SO, SO sorry Kamisama!!!
Jessica debuted side. so cute and eager!!! Rebecca debuted solo for 2nd half!!!
so many people, it kind of stinks... literally.
at lecture hall after, i BUTCHER Tears in Heaven. upstairs realize my adapter doesn't fit straightener, so my hair will be ugly forever. in CP anyway.
August 5
The thought that pushes me now in the morning when I wake up is just, I WANNA PLAY PIANO FOR SONG TEAM!!
Mountain check! Laundry NOOOO No 500won coin ><; oh yeah everyone is getting on my case for breaking my promise about putting my hair down ahhhgghhhghghh!!! i caaaaaaaan't!
New keyboard member!! Fukuoka Kaori!!! :D But Jyun-san sick!! And resting... Junko-san sick but came!! =\ LOVE soonae for being able to play piano so well!!! i was so tired at CY today, not like usual... at CY usually not too tired... =\
Ran to the store to buy bobby pins, exchange money into coins, run to laundry, jessica took the detergent! aahg!! wil buy it at lunch =\
@ JSW, I prayed about how I didn't realize how bad my Japanese was until I came here. I'm heta. This is making me feel the decision to become an interpreter approaching.
Hurry to lectureroom right as Wonderwall is stating!! AW!!!!!!! Link arms with Kohwa, Kinesha instead of playing piano =\ Wonderful feeling, singing that on stage with them... <3
Sharon and Patrick's lectures were cut off so they had a chance to finish now! I held SHaron's poster again =) They should really win =)
13 more days. Ato wa 13 nichi dake. 13 il mani isseo.
All of a sudden, when i was improvising on piano during break with some "If I Were Free" chords before we were going to sing it, Jeremy-oppa JUMPS UP and comes, and says "WHAT SONG IS THAT!?"
O_o; Um um... uhhh I was just fooling around.. but I said that it aws "If I were free" I dunno, i used those chords... but kinda infused yiruma or something into it O_O I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY HE BURST OUT LIKE THAT.
When I Think aboiut it, history seems so fun/exciting/niii~ce to read about. But when I do, in school, it's dead boring >n<; aw.
P.S. my Ilshim ring is black with scratches from bows O_o;
Oh so Abby showed me who looked like me. Rebecca agrees. "Long lost brother." I... kinda... wish it wasn't so~! >n<;
sophie, after she say hi and I reply when sweating, hobbling up rock stairs to lecture room, she say my smile is so nice and I'm like thank you but HAAAHH???? Whaa!!??? is she looking at meee...!!??
I don't want to suck on anymore throat candy, but I'm falling asleep. Daydreaming about Christmas. With my family. At home. I miss the cold, having to wear warm, soft sweaters <3 Miss most:
1) family.
2) sleep.
3) having no stress
4) playing acoustic piano.
I am realy, really not listening to Dr. Sanchez's lecture.
So many people at lunch, many youngsters. lunch duties! do laundry finally with detergent, then I called my brother Justin for the chords to Tears in Heaven so i wouldn't butcher it again and I can play it better for Eliot-oppa. when I go home, Justin and I together will be the bestest elder siblings!
Mama told me to relax, not do every single CY session.
Kenmei got to play piano for "Sailing With Our Father." I wanted to play =\
I love how Daddy always sounds so excited when I call home XD always he answers almost.
D: Hi, this is Cyril.
Me: Hi Daddy~!
D: Heeeeeeeeey Jenny! Wow, we get TWO calls in two days!!
^ like that XD <3
Oh yeah At lunch, Mr. Sanchez, Luke and Patrick sat with me... lol... They just talk DP. I eat, go for duty. Dr. S say I always smile during piano, At CY... I see him watching a lot, looking up at us on stage lol ^^
Definitely, 200%, DP lectures are the hardest things to not fall asleep during. So. Boring. I mean, I can't soak it in so raw... I miss One Heart Camp explanations like Kwanchai, Deanne, Dave's ways of simplifying and applying it to daily life so I don't even know it's DP.
I wanna sleep so bad.
Who sould I pick for tonight's CY? Diana and William are Mr. Sanchez's children!
I really, really SLPET at break. Head on arms on desk. Abby massages me, wake up and my forehead red. AAGHHH song team singing already!!! "As the deer"!! AW I MISSED PIANO ALL AFTERNOON NOW!!!!! For 2nd song, Eliot-oppa say i can play piano but i turned down because take too long to turn on, and go to "Stero keys" AW >n<;
Seriously, girls lack spirit in singing. Guys so good (like being on their wide with piano because their voices loud and spirited). Real "brotherhood." arms across shoulders, swinging, or stomping, clapping...
Looking forward to (HOME:+:Furusato~~~*singing*) Music Festival (of course) and MOVIE!!! And dancing Chanyang!!! And sleep. I can't believe I really slept, for like 20 minutes! XD well, so tired...
Mama said Mrs. Tamura was leaving for CP on Thursday, if I need anything can ask her to bring it ^^ I wanted something frmo home, but I forgot.
A patriot is a person willing to give their life for their nation.
Last night I asked God/ancestors/spirits to wake me up @ 4am. Then I realize my straightener won't work here with my adapter, and I forgot to tell then it's ok not to wake me up anymore, so they woke me up at 4am really really lol!!! XD
I'm feeling like... wow I've met so many people from so many countries/states! There's a BIG, real possibility I might meet some of them... Kinesha, Eliot, Lisa, Yeonhi, even PAtrick, Miranda, Insun, Soonae, Naomi... I hope I do!!!! Kinda wishing me and mama can go to Wales for Grandma for a while this year. I will LOVE to be cold for a change. PRolly not when there, tho xp. That's not probable, but... 1% chance. If so I want to give my heart in helping care for her, and also meeting British (LIKE ME) BCs <3
I really do...
Randomly... Diana Sanchez is drop-dead gorgeous. So jealosu!
Heavenly Father,
Here in CP, everyday I feel more strongly, "I can be matched and Blessed to anyone." Like... nationality, looks don't matter, just the inside. I can accept anyone.
It's just a problem of... I don't know if I can accept a handicapped person... and THAT'S where I'm flawed still!! and not ready!!! Definitely not for TP's matching =(
While I was picking up garbage from the floor Rebecca pushed in the chair and it smashed my temple. ow. it really, really hurt my eyes watered but i pretended nothing happened and it was good ^^ Kohwa gave me candy ^^ she thought I Was 15, full AMERICAN >n<; goshdarnsitall!!!
I change, put laundry to dryer, pray at JSW for 30 min crying like HECK. So. Sorry to God for everything until now. Dinner alone. Korean veggie stew thing. and korokke <3 brush teeth...
Um... Francesco-oppa...?
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LOL YOU should NOT JUDGE ANYONE!!!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.
I got a break from CY, made SOonae do so much instead I'M SO SORRY!! >n<; I saw in middle of hundreds of Japanese girls ^^ Did my bset-best actually!! Not sleepy! Cold almost gone, so i can sing up to "a." feels like... nice cuz everyone around me still new at CY, but I know exactly when we're changing what body part to hit ^^ My partner was Lisa-chan, 10th grade ^^
The laundry in CP doesn't work. I wear "clean" clothes but in reality, they're stinky and dirty, not a good bright white.
We butchered Generation of Righteousness XD clapping mostly, guys singing random notes lololololllllzzz XP
Sophie and Soonae SOK ING & WONDERFUL!! <3 <3 <3 Let me use straightener AND adapter with such grace, elegance & love <3 I will try to do @ 4am!
August 6
Didn't wake up at 4am. Tho I asked very hard, TP, God, absolutely good spirit world and ancestors to. MAybe cuz it's a selfish reason =\
I only went to Water of Life, then came back and straightened my hair. Mrs. Sanchez came into the bathroom and saw me *gulp* feel so guilty, horrified. at first, the straightener sooo hot it made my hair like straw omg soonae's is sooooo strong and BURNS me!!!! the HAIR BURNS ME!! O_____O; but then... it... worked! and my bangs... i could put them down...!!!!
All morning sisters commented, and didn't recognize me, and i felt really cool <3 finally a little self-esteem...? xp
Two nights ago, Jessica saw, in darkness, Saika go out the window to the thing outside like a porch kinda and she freaked out!! Cried next night (last night) afraid to sleep, but everything cleared. She thought it had been a spirit. She's ok now <3
Cy do best. Can tell ppl looking, not recognizing @ 1st X3 I tried to smile for my whole 30 minutes on stage... for encouragement to the main vocal, cards, everyone... put heart into tanshimga... Makoto-sshi says Kangsanim said for CY team to put more JYOUNETSU ~ PASSION into everything. So... I tr. Ending is really fun ^^
I'm so proud to bow with the Chanyang team, always. Am I worthy...?
Then lecture/group discussion. Suck my life out >n<; sleep really again at break. Miranda give me fullest back massage I ever had, while Rebecca played with my hair.
Felt. So. Good XP
Eliot-oppa always playing Hey There Delilah, She Will Be Loved, and some brothers are always asking to sing "How to Save a Life" lol... wish I knew more songs everyone knew so i could play for them.
goshdarnsitall my hair is curling from sweat, touch, and just... time passing.
At song team singing (By the Spring of Life) Patrick-oppa asked my age and country (he knew).
Randomly today, out of nowhere, I felt like: I want to give my husband head and back and hand and feet massages.
Had to rush through lunch, go clean. Packing up chairs and desks groups 5 - 7 of sisters and brothers had to carry chair up 6 flights (or is that called 3 flights?). Duuuuuude Yen Chuan-oppa did 4 chairs at once!!!! Rebecca did 2, I did 3. It wasn't as bad as I expected. And omg! Luke said my name in encouragement, and Patrick-oppa on the way down, said "Jenny I'll take those for you..." but I said no it's okay ^^ it's like everyone's talking nice to me...!!! (since I put my bangs down... LOL coincidence xp).
So sweaty, had to pin up bangs cuz they were wavy and nasty.
Go on bus/car to Cheong-A camp, do drums of the three traditional Korean experiences.
Uh, it was the best ever.
Not exactly because of the drums... it was really fun playing the "book" but the teacher. BUTTER TEACHER!!!!! *saranghaeyo~~~* OMG SO FUNNY, CUTE, and JUST COMPLETELY FRIENDLY *HUGE HEART* SO SWEET *HUGE HEART* DUNNO WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!!! <3 WILL NEVER FORGET HIS KINDNESS. I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, SO FUNNY, OPEN-HEARTED, CUTE... <3
Come back, we buy ice cream cuz it's SO HOT AND SUNNY today. like animals at the ice cream boxes LOL. Ate with Yukimi and Valerie...~ Shower, wait 30 minutes in hueg line of Japanese brothers, worried about CY practice. But it was okay =)
OMG OMG!!! JESSICA AND REBECCA DID CARDS TOGETHER SOOOOO CUTE!!!!! <33333 after song team got chocopies~
Now we're in Room B of 3rd floor for lectures.
No. Piano.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For the first time I was in the front udring closing at JSW. IT felt much much better, we were practically yelling the pledge, singing our hearts out.
Soobin-onni is BACK, from JAPAN!!!! :D
August 7
Weird, all chairs and GUYS on 3rd floor xp True PArents speech today! 11 DAYS LEFT!!! Getting so serious about interpretation as a career.
Only went to Water of Life. I'm so lazy. Breakfast alone. Go big hall. Other brothers not from CY team came later so I couldn't pracice piano =\
Slept against a pillar, then lost my breakfast. Will be hungry soon, not even 8am =((((((( wearing dress clothes x(
9:40am during Hyun Jin Nim's speech
Grace gives good "squeeze" Massages! and Abby gives tickly ones xp
I really really, really admire the Eng-Kor interpreter. I can't imagine what it feels like for him. Stressful... but really good? Cuz he has the ability. I don't yet, I can't even begin to imagine. But I think... I want to... become an interpreter.
11:15am
Still going on. I'm dying. Gotten like ten massages from people around me. Falling asleep during True Father's event. Can't help it. No AC, hungry, TIRED, uncomfortable, sitting for 4 hours, talking about the darned helicopter for 3 1/2 of those hours. I would be sleeping riht now if Abby not sitting next to me. bad/good thing. we're going boating today.
I just wanna go home.
Later
Dude we sat for five hours. Even if it WAS TP, I'm too tired.
Lunch. I felt odd. I sit, prayer interrupted. Someone tell me this table is already taken. So embarrassed, I leave, about to cry. I just had to, had to make eye contact and pass right by afjs;odrhi Go all the way to the other sidde of the whole cafeteria, sit alone. Don't even know why! But want to just burst into tears that are roaring to get out.
"Let it be, let it be..."
Kayoko-san appears, Got-sent. Talks to me. Says I'm really working hard as a leader, that God is a genius. I had no intention of becoming leader but it's God's gift to me. And also she was talking with a friend, when she pointed me out and her friend said that I was beautiful because of my skin... and that i'm always modest.
She cheered me up a lot.
God cheered me up through her, I know it.
Rush 3rd floor, change to SFP blue shirt, wait Tree of Love, bus to boat dock.
So yes. Boating was awesome. The dancing teacher!! X3 Helmets, ctoch-life-jackets, Pedals, groups of 12. Splashing fights on the boats (beaten up by brothers), splashed by a motorboat (where Jesica was). Race, standing together, standing on boat RIM together singing Twinkle twinklg (WE WON XD) and situps with head in the water. Also one at a time everyone in the boat jump in the water, be rescued XP then all jump in, drag boat back to dock. So. Tiring. Then get back in boat, exhausted.
OH!!! After I jumped in the water and they pulled me up, Miranda was pulled up after and dropped on me and Ryuichi-san (in our boat, like our leaer lol X3) yelled "WE'VE LOST ONE!" LOL HE'S SO FUNNY!!!! Like Kwanchai-oppa mankeum funny!!!!!
Then we jump/flip/dive into the water from the dock to swim for fun!! Kenmei did a backflip duuuudee..!!! our group 9 held hands and had to splutter up to the surface lol XD
After, walked back to Cheongpyeong. Didn't dry in the heat, amazing O__O; I heard Dae Hi talking about the one Korean girl in our group during drumming yesterday, and how she must've been understanding everything he interpreted but why the heck didn't she be interpreter instead? =( I thought he did a good job, tho I can only understand a lil Korean =\
No shower, go JSW, Megumi-san too. 2 day workshop people are here. I'm doing 1.5 hours of perf tomorros. She say Moon Kangsanim came to her after last weekend, say Jyun-sshi mess up, maybe not good... O________<;
Dinner alnoe but POP Valerie come sit with me. She say "it's so hard to find ppl we know..." SO TRUE.
Hurry CY, in main hall cuz wanna practice in G key, Megumi-san style XD Talk with Soobin, who is back from 2 weeks in Japan and joined CY team again!! after her practice and Francois, who is ready for debut anytime, I practice. Francesco-oppa asked me if I knew Japanese, if I could translate for the drummer, but I say I can't, because... drum terms I dunno, maybe I can't do well!??
AARGGHH I HAAAAAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PPL BY TRANSLATING THO I AM GOSHDARNSITALL HALF JAPANESE, AND SHOULD BE FLUENT!!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING FLUENT IN JAPANESE, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRANSLATE FOR OTHERS, I HATE HAVING TO HAVE TRANSLATORS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHERS. I HATE SUCKING AT JAPANESE!!!!!!
Ting-Yi-onni, DEBUT!!!!!!
Yasutaka-san's smile is soooo encouraging and sweet!!!! aw!!!! very warm. with him as main vocal, we had the happiest Chanyang session EVER.
Upstairs in our lecture building, waited... Eliot-oppa call song team. OH YEAH yesterday morning, I was the ONLY GIRL during Chanyang. I had no one do my okkae. Kinda embarrassing next to row of guys... So now again, the only girl for song team. i stand there. Eliot-oppa see, laugh, say "need piano..." LOL YES I MISS IT <3
I'm so sad I didn't buy the Cheon Jeong Goong pic =(
Olivia twisted her ankle on the stone steps!? Soobin cried for three hours after her mess up two weeks ago!!?? O___O AAAWWWW!!!!!!!
After JSW closing (next to Kaya-san) Makoto-san call me over. I saw him from corner of eye,k kinda wondering if he would talk to me. He ask if I'm ready for "happyo" of 5 cy sessions tomorow, and YUPS i am! but i'm worried about time running out for Francois to debut!!! Well... he say goodnight...~ ^^
Finally, finally, I can slee-- *dead*
August 8 TEN DAYS LEFT!! X) 미친 날
Every morning, I wake up Reb & Jes and At night, they get my sleeping bags and wave me a spot with them =3
I wanna remember our CP schedule, so I'll write it down:
4:30am - wake up
4:50 - song team <3
5 - bow, pledge in korean, bow, peace messages, pray
5:30-ish - Exercises with (first August, then) Patrick
5:40-ish - Korean class with Jeremy-oppa
5:50-ish - Announcements, cleaning duties
6:15 - 7:40 Holy Ground, change, breakfast
7:40 - Chanyang practice
｢明るく，元気で喜んで感謝してシンナゲのせいしんで。。。 やりましょう。。。？ ではファイチングします。」
8:15 - Chanyang for (70 min.)
9:45 - Jeongshimweon prayer
10:10 - Song team <3
10:20 - DP lecture or reading
11:10 break, song team <3
11:30 continue reading/dp
12:30 - lunch, self reflection
2 - song team
2:10 - dp lecture or sometimes Cheong-A camp, boating, Cheongjeong Goong...
Chanyang practice this morning was odd. Forgot to put on balck socks, forgot to put on pin until almost starting time. And during practice, OUT OF NOWHERE, we ALL just stopped playing. Drums stopped, vocals stopped, I stopped. WTHECK!!? O___O; freaky. EVeryone was just like... what!? Why?! Alda tell me to start again so i do >n<; messed up 1st intro yeah...
So tired but smiled for everyone, Jessica at cards and Naomi D at vocals =) then it was the brother that doesn't give me full eye checks, awkwaaaard.
Hurry JSW, back run w/o bathroom >n<; nervously NOT play for DMN entering the room. Sit with JEssica whole time listening to NOTHING, as in no English translation. Sleep, sweat. Megumi-san come! Find English translation later but Jessica (Spanis) said it was for something else LOL I dunno!! I WAS HALF SLEEPING WHOLE TIME, didn't notice was listening to wrong translation XP
then BAM BAM BAM Chanyang, special Ancestor liberation for Japanese leaders in G. Did ok... something wrong with volume. Never loud enough anymore. Scared whole time. Jessica and I exchanged nervous smiles, son ervous. She went solo!! Then Megumi-san took over for me =) So tired.
I ate lunch FIRST of ALL Int. BCs because I skipped whatever they did while I did the Chanyang for Japanese leaders only... so I had WATERMELON OMG so cool, sweet. then go call Daddy. Mainly he say ask others to take over if i need a break, if too stressful. "Don't break your leg." I can't wait to go home and go camping!! And SLEEP. I wanna go HOME.
I buy cookies for the party, and new pin cuz my pants the symbols is wearing off and it's necessary.
@ breakfast, Rebecca say (over mochi) that I'm just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Not good to be either. Why do you wanna lose wieght? I was happy, but still... need to be skinnier.
We were on 3rd floor later, someone had ipod on speakers listening to The Used, Evanescence... then there was a scene with a troubled Japanese girl, running away from Ryuichi-san O__o;
Japanese is beautiful.
私本当に本当につやくしゃになるかなあ｡｡｡ 日本語｡｡｡ realizing...
2:45pm Mrs. Sanchez - TF life dongan
I was looking forward so badly for What Dreams May Come but it seems like we'll prolly watch something else. Oddly, I didn't feel bad. Like, I accpet things easily now, things I can't change. Or maybe I'm just too tired to care >n<;
I dunno, when guys speak Japanese and Korean, it's beautiful.
3:40 after break
Got Miranda and Soonae's addresses! <3 I HOPE TO SEE THEM IN ENGLAND SOMEDAY!!!! <3
At home, at One Heart Camp and Winter Workship in California, I'm so afraid to just MOVE, but here I'm SO. FREE. It feels so good. Wooting, singing loud with song team, responsibility of being on time up to me, talking to everyone. Sleeping on the floor, sharing snacks. It feels so good.
Was that just an earthquake right now? Or ppl downstairs bouncing? O__o;
I have to make more effort to enunciate and not have slurry accent in Japanese. Have to talk to mama in Japanese ONLY best training along with study.
Best session, out of DP lectures and DP reading etc is definitely True Father's life!!!!
6:15pm in the big hall
Dnner line hadn't been so bad. The AC that hits you after a shower is just glorious.
Kayoko-san finds me every meal time!! She's gonna work here for a year, office work! OMG. So she wants my email address yay <3 her fav food is some kind of jelly and soba <3 i help her practice her english pronunciation, this one sentence for Ryuichi-san?
Slept on random floor space at sister side of big hall for 30 minutes. REALLY SLEPT. or maybe half. too tired. sit. during dongsaneh norae, winna find me, tell me i have to come sit with cy team.
I completely forgot.
And completely nearly crash into someone, dansei. Both like, uh, uh, not going. no eye contact. i go lol.
I can't believe there are two whole lectures, a 60 min. CY that I'm doing 2nd for, and JSW. so many people. can i survive? we're watching the TP helicopter video. AGAIN. Seriously, i am tired, and tired of this helicopter deal.
Um... yeah. CY was crazy.
first, after half sleeping whole first lecture, all of a sudden CY team has to jump up and get ready. drum team keyboard team, me and soonae prepare. then fast bow, GO! STRESSFUL. Brothers and sisters squished. Makoto-san ask me, "can you hear piano?" i say kinda, but no not really. so i go up, put the volume up. it's already higher than normal, soonae had put it perfect!!!! and it was blasting in her face!!! Why...
Later Makoto-san tell again... I say "ookii spiikaa kara detenai to omoimasu..." and he like ahh... i don't know what to do.
Me 2nd. Put volume louder. lil speaker sound like struggling. i go on, feels normal. Yen Chuan-oppa doesn't smile much anymore.
Then the vocals changed. Christelle, Makoto-san, Takayuki-san. And all craziness breaks loose.
They couldn't hear my piano playing, Christelle mainly, cuz far away. so she sang off key, but it wasn't her fault!! MAkoto-san eye on me, motion about volume. so lifting left hand, do just melody while raising volume. Lil speaker making clicking, vibrating noises. i'm thinking, if any louder, it'll explode. but they can't hear, NO ONE!! Singing off key, mics screeching O______O!!!! i make weird faces to makoto-san and Yen Chuan-oppa. like... what am i supposed to do...!!?
Winna catches my eye, and we start laughing. while i'm playing piano. then i suffer through the rest of the session.
Tanshimga i put as loud as i dared. maybe that's why it seems like people don't sing well with my playing. they can't hear me ever.
something vibrating loudly by me. it's so loud, yet so quiet. i do my best, cringing, probably. @ ending too, as loud as i dared, afraid to make the speaker explode. i'm probably the worst keyboard leader ever to come to CP. strangely i'm calm. a lil frustrated, but not in tears (yet).
Afterwards, drummer immediately tell me he couldn't hear anything. Soonae come help me turn off, cover. talk fast, like what's happening!!? Christelle, Alda come, talk to them... all CY members talking like never b4. So embarrassed...
It's all my fault.
Go JSW. on the way, aika, other lil girls ask me where to go we watch lightning striking the purple sky in the distance <3
I pray, apologize.
Abby find me. She had spiritual experienve during ansu. she want to sing the righ tlyrics. sang so loud, seh said. feel emotional. when get back to big hall for 2nd lecture, she CRY!!! she sleeping on my back now. Aw...
B4 lecture, alughing with winna about what happened. feels good to think light about it. also b4, check for Megumi-san right after CY but not there!!!! NOOOOOOOOO------!!!! Also tralk, explain to KAya-san... she comfort me, it's not my fault.
모두 내 탓이야. ぜんぶ私のせいで｡｡｡
I wish i was crying now. Dousurebaiino!!?
I. am. so. sorry.
After JSW, where I COULDN'T cry, this kid nearly crashes into me. I dodge in an odd position. getting angry at the whole darn day. i run away. hurry to 3rd floor. no more journal to write, so just flop into bed. muscles ache from swimming 2 days ago. just frustated with the whole day.
when almost sleeping, Sharon woke me up.
"Jenny, I am sorry to wake you, but we have been chosen to play for Hyun Jin Nim."
Or was it Heung Jin Nim?
WTHE--------------------------CK!!!!! Our "One Family Under God" was chosen by Moon-kangsanim!!! OMG. just. omg.
August 9 (Saturday)
Tired. worried. last time, i pretty nmuch butchered the ending, so this time, i've got to figure something out!!! prolly will skip holy ground again. gulp. wanna call parents, yes b4 breakfast!!!! i've memorized my phonecard x)
Called home instead of holy ground. mama said she's been praying for her ancestor to talk to my ancestor so i can sleep better and all through the night lol XD not working. last night, i woke up and half asleep, i rolled up one of my sleeping bags thinking it was time to wake up because i HEARD PEOPLE TALKING and it was almost Chanyang practice. but it wasn't. o_O;
I'm so worried. How am I supposed to deal with the speakers!!!?? Go with KAya-san to Korean office and one guy say that at 8am they'll send someone to fix it.
The guy came, but I don't think it's coming through the big speakers. semeed a little louder, but...
JSW. I hate being touched all over the place cuz it's too crowded. too, too, too, too crowded. squished. rushing, pushing, uncomfortable, frustrating... argh. then stressful, cuz still twice need to play.
Sleep in big hall with head on bag until kangsanim go on stage. i freak out, knowing piano not on. go up. he motion to piano like, "you're keyboardist?" i nod, go. wait. then play way too loud. to me anyway. is it coming out of the big speakers!? I used all my (nonexistant_) skill to play. this KEYBOARD. I MISS ACOUSTIC!! quietly, face stiff with worry. Damonim come in. i don't kno wwhen to go down, curtain blocking my way, so after prayer, dmn go to podium, i dash out the back way. dive in front of Isun-onni.
I listened to DMN's words very very badly. because i'm writing this thing, my journal. i'm so tired. this has been the hardest (32 so far) days of my life. i hope it's worth it.
i'll know if, from now on, i live as a true filial daughter to God and my parents, unable to sin.
DMN's talking. Hey JENNY-A! Don't give Satan any chance to accuse you!!!! All your arrogance, selfishness, fallen nature = NOT YOU. Inherited, influenced by media... it's not you. don't let it get to you. You're God's true daughter. ACT LIKE ONE.
"Absolutely, b4 blessing, don't have any difficult problems with opposite sex!! No look, no touch, no eat!!!!!! No alcohol, drugs, no party with drinks, NO!!!! Totally lock your buttons. why have to show to anyone else? it's just for your beloved spouse. can give birth to beautiful 3rd generation, true family."
It's our responsibility to change this world. 1st, 2nd, 3rd gen become united so we can bring KOHOE!!!
Shoa! Only stomach chanyang!
Grace-onni wants to stay in CP longer! likes being with us <3
So... ancestor liberation ceremony was only stomach and paksu. it was hard. no smiles, concentrate, try loudest, passionate... megumi-san plays so well...!!! sounds SO KAKKOI!! XD jealosu~ we have piano wiping towel now, finally. i wipe the keyboard a LOT, telling it thank you <3 Makoto-san was SOOOOO FUNNYYYY during Hallelujah LOLOL XD cuz we have to hold up our arms a lot and it's so tiring and painful, he like... waves quickly and then lets his arms hang down to the point he doesn't have to use energy to keep it up... you know...? aaaghh to hard to explain.
lunch --> that odd but yummy fruit salad. the Japanese BCs do chants b4 meals, like a CY beginning and then like. "Champoomonim jal meokgesseumnida...!!" so LOL Eliot-oppa made one too, like "rubadubdub please...?? America!" XP
Francisco-oppa really writing/studying something hard after lunch; go store; Yeonhi ask to debut...
PRACTIVE VIOLIN <3 Ting-yi-onni's lil brother is a violin pro OMG!! But he left already... wow... that's awesome XD I'm worried for our violin... it's like rotting in the heat O_o; then i lpay guitar for usic club since we dont' have a keyboard anymore. eat lots of junk food at the party for leaving ppl xp HATE being fat but eating so much, AND not going to mountain. NOT GOOD. cookies, rock choco, mccol, crackers... then pictures, writing emails etc. 9 more days. can't wait tho feel so incldued here... miss home tho.
I just realized I might feel more included, needed and loved here than at home because I actually contribute to the greater whole. by playing piano. at home i'm a nobody.
Chanyang members on stage are supposed to get energy from cards, i learned. i wonder...
@ 5pm we had western pic with dmn SO HOT BLINDING OMG. Dude, Kuni so unrecognizable!!
Talk a lot with Sawa (Texas!) and Hiromi and Erika, Yukimi, Jinae, yups <3 we're happy to be going home soon. some aren't...
now all i can think about is going camping with family when i g home and singing coutnry roads together x)
Sleep before Chanyang at the side. Kaya-san seem worry about me =\ FRANCOIS WAS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT BUT HE WENT TO HYUNGJIN NIM'S SERVICE OMG!!!!! NOOO!!! So switched to Soonae and me.
The big speakers worked. THANK YOU.
IT's a lil scary when Winna does cards cuz I always laugh. WAIT OMG WAIITTT!!!
THEY JUST ANNOUNCD THAT TRUE PARENTS IS COMING, GO MEET THEM OUTSIDE.
Screaming, running, crowds fly out. me running with winna, soonae, SO EXCITING OMG. i'm screaming LOL we line up alnog road, like a red carpet appearance XD WISH BROUGHT CAMERA GOSHDARNSITALL IT"S IN MY BAG!!!
The sky was beautiful today. like the beautiful asian feel of movies. bright sunlight, pure white clouds against a crisp blue sky. super hot, cicadas. then 7:30-ish beautiful pink, red... beautiful sweaty hot.
True Father comes. Was TM there?! No, DMN... run after the black car lol, feel so LIGHT AND FREE. i hardly run here cuz always saving energy, but when i DO, i can just tell i lost weight because i can run SO FAST and effortlessly OMG! IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!
After TF left, Soonam said I actually look HAPPY NOW!!! XD
it had been so exciting, but my explanation quick becauase so tired!! we went back for Chanyang. Victoria had cried from seeing TF!! I wasn't crying but I was more energized for an awesome chanyang session XD Winna took Yen Chuan-oppa's fan so then he fanned everyone lol, me rebecca, makoto-san... XD LOL i feel so happy now after TF...
Do good CY. Soonae so good at doing first part !!! <333 i did 2nd winna made me alugh a lot. supposed to be serious inside and passionate to help everyone lol... i mess up almost.. it was the sweatiest chanyang ever...!!
Lightning without rain again... ^^ super cool~ talk with sawa, motoyo, kiyoka, rebecca, cherisa about stuff <3 meet in beloved chinhwagwan 1B like old days. award winners of DP contest. Seiya's group YES DEFINITELY! And Patrick-oppa too!!! PERFECT!!! MAna and SHARON too!!! Then certificates of graduates... omg many people are leaving in the next threee days!!!
i'm selfishly daydreaming about going to wales/uk. noo!! xnx JSW was sweaty. go to bed.
august 10 (Sunday, but feels weird =\)
Slept through the whole night YES!!! <3 Thank you mama's ancestor x) but so tired, slept longest ever, as in waited till last minute to get up.
we brought chairs down from 3rd floor. by the time i was donw with NOT GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN NOR WATER, the last chair had been taken and i felt so bad especiall for Patrick-oppa who must've gone up a couple times, once came down with FOUR >n<;
I'm so lazy.
Eliot-oppa singing Jesse McCartney.
I always half-sleep before chanyang now. too worried to fully sleep though. FRANCOIS DEBUT & RASUTO!!!! HE DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!! OMG WHOOOOOOTT!! Soobin 2nd!!!! Jyun-san come to k-office with me cuz speaker WASN'T WORKING, but it did...?
it's depressing to be with 14 day participants cuz they don't sing, but half-sleep and clap weakly. and slow at changing body parts... but i have to love whem with the Heart of God... ^^;
took lots of pics after aw.... i took them, wasn't IN them. SO SAD X( high five Francois! do laundry.
guess what. we have no elextricity now until 5pm. but why do the fans work? wth!? Saw Mrs. Tomorrow yesterday and today!!! so COOL to see someone i recognize, from the same city in the world!!!! XD
Today. was. hot. like. crazy.
Music club practice. Heavenly Father, please help me figure out the outro chords...!! time runing out >_0 play piano with sophie, soonae. she know the most popular british song, with french title!!! :D teach Motoyo a little...
Then. Dun DUN DUN. we switched everything with brothers, like sleeping spots. aired sleepings bags, packed, moved everything to 3B OMG, clean upstairs, move desks up. i was unnaturally energized, despite extreme heat and the task ahead. i was guilty/grateful actually because the brothers were the suffering ones. i think ZERO sisters brought up a desk, except for Sarah, Cherisa, Mako and I together one desk lol XD
Yeonhi ~~> debut <3
met Haruka-onni!!! What's she doing here!!? XD she was like... "Becky-chan~~~~!!!" <3 XD ahhhhh I missed her!!
Chanyang team got treats from British and Spanish (Alda, Colin...) members who left today!!
Later I told Eliot-oppa about getting "tears in heaven" chords but chickened out in playing it next song team time... ><; did two other songs... and OMG LOL. I was trying to play alnog and figure out this sequence of chords that he ALWAyS ALWAYS plays, it's to "iris" by goo goo dolls i THOUGHT i recognized it... so i was trying to play along and then suddenly Jeremy-oppa and a blong brother heard.
"WHOA!!!" then something like... "it totally sounded like you two were just playing the same song!!" then eliot-oppa says
"Do you know Iris!?"
I nodded *sweatdrop* then asked what chords i'm using, and walk away, playing lol... ^^;
This is what I mean by when we do "song team."
1) Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" and everyone takes forever to get started.
2) Choose songs
3) Eliot-oppa come show me book
4) sing and play two songs usually. someitmes one or three
5) clap, bow, leave stage~
I <3 playing for everyone.
Said goodbye to Francois after more certificate giving. he say i'm a good leader zw. he leaving tomorrow at 4:30am o_<;
Tomorrow again i'll skip mountain. but i'm dreaming hoping to play songs like "maybe" tomorrow morning (cuz we sleep here now!) for everyone, so brought UP sheet music ^^ it's already dark now (using my lil light to write this ) so goodnight... <3
Coughed all night 밤새도록~ Bad sleep. Cold air caused coughing, slept late, 4:45 ><; Francois new brother in leading the bows, korean pledge. For the 2nd time, I skip Holy Ground, this time to help Victoria and Rebecca do our DP lecture poster. All I do is two yin/yang symbols and eat Rebecca's cream puffs.
CY practice,
"Sebonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUT!!!!"
Yesssssssssssss x3 nervous. Keyboard leader's RASUTOOO!!! I learned how to turn on the piano. Francois practicing hard.
Honestly, I felt a lil tired cuz I COULDN'T SEE THE CARDS. I think it was Denise-sshi... could see only when she stood up. I PLAYED TANSHIMGA TOO FAST!!!!! But I'm thankful to God that I didn't make any major mistakes... and the whole thing/session was really fun, especially the end, banging the chords XD
Just 17 more days, 17 more long days... I'm close, close to realizing what my purpose of life is... leaning to translating from frustration of not being able to understand Kayoko-sshi, Makoto-sshi, Jessica and Rebecca speaking Cantonese/Mandarin with Sharon, Grace, newcomers Motoyo, Rebecca... an djust anyone here. Hearin the languages I love, unable to understand... I hate it to the point where I'll dedicate my life to understanding, and helping others understand and feel others' words with their hearts.
Wow, I'm strengthening these thoughts and still undecided heart just by writing this down XD
After CY, talked to Megumi-san with Kayoko-san at the Japanese office about me becoming leader. Still, I'm shocked at them picking me, me of all people!!!
Soonam-oppa called me, "dependable" or was it "reliable"? ^^;
OK, playing for the song team is beyond awesome <3>n<; I love being on song team though... <3 A TEAM. Chanyang too. A team. A group. Together, with a purpose, bonds, devotion, hard work, for others. 사랑해요, 이 기분이 <3
Aw Jessica gave me Korean rock chocolate...! ^^;
Lunch with Kinesha, Heejin (who finished the workshop but came back to visit ^^) then go to Japanese office again but Megumi-san not there, so go to store and buy lil-keyboard-leader-notepad.
Finished lecture poster (1:30 - 4pm) well, Victoria did. She skipped meals to finish the beautiful artwork and invested 100% into it! I invested 5% of myself. Rebecca, maybe 90%. I'm so bad. We practiced our lecture, skit. Pretty confident. Just that I have speaking to do, and my voice is like gone. Garble.
Down to cafeteria, nothing to do. Talk. Sleep with head on table. Then... something wrong.
MOTOYO IS CRYING. Where's her trinity? Who's in it? Because she feels like no one needs her advice and what she has to offer!! =\ She's crying so hard...
If I'M struggling with this schedule, what about HER and everyone younger than me?! And look how much heart and effort she puts into her time here... I should be stronger than this...
Sisters comfort her until she can stop crying... I think her trinity comes back from somewhere...
I still can't believe I will be キーボードー長｡
I can't wait to tell my parents!! I haven't called then for a long while. no time, not really feel like i have anything to say. i won't call until i've become an acceptable piano leader. i'm sure jyun-sshi will be more leader-like than me... demo ganbarimasu!!
I'm so jealous of Haruka, Jyun-sshi, Erika, Korean kangsanims... they're all tri-lingual!!!!! What I need to work so hard to become, they are naturally!!! Or are they... did they study, or grow up learning? =\
Later
My clothes are getting moldy! I left them, wet, in a bag for three days and now... there are black spots and they're stinking up teh whole hallway omg ><; what should i do!!!?? at times like these, i just wanna cry, "Mama-----!!"
After dinner, hurry to Jp office, but Megumi-san not there again! AH!! I need to talk to her!! So nervous about being new leader... I Think I really am becoming it...
At CY practice, Soonae ecstatic for me. I'm just scared. Meeting go... then.. Jyun...-shi? pull me to front where I gargle out "keyboard, jeokbonjjae Yuuka-sshi" but no one hear anything i say!! xnx; jyun-sshi help me whole time, smiling, thumbs up <3 then akoto-sshi announce i'm new leader and everyone clap... i bet they might've been thinking, "SHE'S the new leader!? Wtheck...!?"
Then I'm completely lost. What the heck do i do next?
Haruka comes up to me, claps my shoulder.
｢ベッキちゃん，がんばって｡｣
<3
On stage for practice, Yeonhi tell me to tell everyone *two fingers, then roll hands like drum "faster" sign* lol... we have one new member! Tho we're losing three. I did dubonjjae. Ara was first, solo debut (I could finally SEE the cards) then Yen Chuan-oppa. before, he massaged his face for a long time in preparation to smile for 30 minutes lolollll ^^;
OMG the main vocal dude (debut, from our workshop) never gave me one FULL eye contact! Then he just went to turning his head at me without any eye contact at all!! I felt annoyed but tried to keep a sincere heart...
After, hurry around... Kayokosan tell me about covering piano, then find Kohwa to translate x) so jealous!! but yeah, I'm pretty scared right now. Too many important things to remember. Have to find MEgumi-san and write everything down!!!
Francous asked me to help him practice piano after lunch tomorrow. Winna gave me two throat candies ^^ I'm worrying so much about my cold, I need to NEED TO get better to be a good leader!!!!!!
Motoyo heard me coughing like crazy, gave me medicine from Hong Kong!! I thought it helped, but by bedtime I was going insane again. Each breath is difficult because it triggers coughs for some reason... and sometimes stuff (mucus-y) gets stuck in my throat and I can't breathe and I'm afraid for my life, going to SUFFOCATE ><; All night, half-sleep, cough, sweating, sitting up, LATE FOR CY PRACTICE nightmares.
August 1 [Day 23]
Dress clothes. Clean upstairs bathroom, brush hair (LOL, that's rare) go only to Water of Life, 3rd time no Tree of Blessing. Getting lazy after first time, seeing how easy it was to not go.
So happy, played Song of the Garden well for song team (i think i did...) <3
Simply, I'm terrified.
DP contest, music club performances? THat's nothing compared to my pleading, begging, yearning, stress to becoming a good piano leader. It's all i can pray about.
Christelle, Sharon, Grace, Sophie congratulate me on becoming leader. Christelle knows it's weird, being leader of people older than you... ^^
MEGUMI-SAN NOT THERE! Was closed, 7am. Help Francois practice now instead of later.
Doing my best, but still can't believe/act like i am a leader. i know nothing!! Yeonhi would be a better leader, or haruka (leaving) and why not Jyun!!!?? I'm happy and grateful for this chance, but i feel so unworthy!!!!
even so... even so!! i'll do my best.
Um...I did the third pianist part. and I realized, a little too late, it was the wrong sheet music for tanshimga. So... p;laying with one hand, i searched the other sheets while hundreds of eyes were on me. FREAKING OUT. Screaming in my head, NO NO NOOOOO!!!! Saved myself by the second time through. only made it by the memorized bits i could remember and the weird, wrong sheets in front of me. but face hot, feel so bad. after, turn off keyboard, abby tell me it's okay, i was good. but i walked away with my head down, wanting to run and hide. apologized to God. go straight to Jap office and ask questions, take notes, get sheet music.
I was totally alone at JSW. Apologize, beg... apologize.
After these 40 days, where everyday , ever minute i had to be somewhere to do something like...; CY, climb, sweat, sleep only 5 hours... go home, sleep a week, then have nothing to do for a while will. feel. good. then get a job, start new life of after CP *
During lecture, didn't listen or learn ANYTHING. I miss my family so much. I can't call them until I've become an acceptable leader. But it feels like I have an endless mountainous amount of things to learn, memorize to be a piano leader. so. afraid. so. worried. especially because it's a 2 day workshop tomorrow. so. scared.
죽을 만큼... 두려워.
I want to go HOME.
Practice Tanshimga with Jyun-sshi in Small hall after hurried lunch. Goodness, drum leader is everywhere lol ^^; Hurry music club. After, Geojitmal with Abby ^^
Half-sleep through whole HDH. I'm so afraid. Too stressed. I Want to go home. Please, let me sleep, not be burdened with Keyboard leader duties... please... God... I feel so alone, even though Harumi is practicing guitar right next to me.
I miss my family. I'm so tired, of everything. Exhausted, stressed, afraid, zero self esteem, i could DIE here, couldn't I? Maybe, one hopeless feeling day, I could fast and do everything physical and tire myself out until I faint and then I can LIE DOWN, rest for a day or two and make everyone worry about me.
Lol... *tears*
At 4pm, our music club performed Tonghua, It's God's Community and One Family Under God yups. I Think we did all right... ^^ I messed up in the intro of the first song goshdarnsitall >_o; but i didn't see Kenmei playing piano or anything for the greater good XP
Art club was GOOD! (GACs?) Seijin, Jeremy, Like, David. They're all really good! =) Then OMG STOMP TEAM. Jessica, Rebecca, Kinesha, Heejin, Kohwa and Victoria really surprised me!! It was like... a banging... kinda slightly creepy in-synch dance :D Then our trinity do our lecture and skit.
Ting-Yi onni!!!! New keyboard member!!!! :DDDDDD She can already play too!!! :D Later Eliot-oppa asks if I can play "crazy songs" like "Flight of the Bumblee." I can't. I don't know that song either... ><; later other trinity do their lectures. Sharon's was SO. Good. took notes.
Today was the first day I ever fell asleep during the day. Anyway, tired. I want to go home so badly. I'm soooooo stressed because I don't know if the CY leaders will announce the whole 2 day workshop performers next meeting!!!!! So scared.
神様!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The song we sang this morning was "Let It Be." the lyrics kind of match my life right now.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Heavenly Father comes to me... Speaking words of wisdom, [Let it Be...]
"And in my HOUR OF DARKNESS, He is standing right in front of me... SPeaking words of wisdom, [Let it be...]
"[Let ie be, let it be, let it be oh let it be...] Whisper words of wisdom...
"[Let it be...]"
神様，私に何か伝えていますか…？Maybe... "걱정하지마..."?
I think you gave me this position to pull me away from my bad habits. No time to doze off, or ボーっとして。
But I dunno if I can handle the responsibility of this. What if I can't be a good leader and ruin everything? I'm trying to search for self-confidence and ability in this. But it's so hard.
The 2 day workshop coming up is terrifying me.
During cleaning I lay on the ground on 3rd floor and fell asleep with rebecca, motoyo. Wake up, go Water (skip mountain AGAIN.). I run after Jyun-san and she answer my questions about this morning CY. YES i have to announce members for whole two day workshop...
so well... at meeting, all i could do is announce morning CY, then Jyun-sshi explained ot makotosshi that becuase i "couldn't" talk to megumi san i couldn't announce... THANK YOU SO MUCH JYUN-SAN. LIFE SAVER.
Before CY, Naomi came to my side and thanked me for smiling last night, it really helped (she was main vocal)
OMG. made my day <3 i did not know i did that.
then did 3bonjjae pretty well... SO HAPPY. go jp office, ask million questions to megumi-san about 2 day workshop, feel much better ^^;
The abscences i notice most are August, Insun, and Hide. =(((((
At lunch asked Megumi-san MORE questions, bought socks, throat candy, batteries, tissues, silver pencil case.
DP lecture contest: 3 - 4:30. Some, SO SLEEPY while listening. Others, hilarious, LOVED. So far, Seiya's trinity was the BEST, SO HILARIOUS yet you learn A LOT. Thomas-oppa had to cut off people cuz they took a long time, even after he made the "T" sign... ^^;
At dunner hurry, stressed, WHERE JYUNSAN!? oh yeah before dinner asked megumi-san MORE questions XP Vocal leader tell me important stuff like tomorrow 7:20am B1 for practice. Um, omg. I haven't practiced Grace of the Holy Garden in G. I'm gonna die.
Denise-sshi tell me perfing CY has to sit at CY place during lecture, and I DON'T have to play piano for kangsanim tonight!! only josanghaewon!!! Contrary information, but she sounds so sure... so i believe and thank her. yeah omg SHE WAS RIGHT THANK YOU DENISSEEEE-SHIIIII!!!!!!
Searching while singing for SOonae, tell other if see her tell her... then POP & OMG she's there and I'm so happy i wanna hug her!!!!!!!! <3 now we two perfers were ready ^^
Didn't listen to lecture at all ><; so stressed... thinking of everything i have to do...
Heavenly Father, please help me, please.
Even though I do everything FOR You, I can't do it, or anything WITHOUT You.
I always say in my prayers, that I'm doing my best for my family, world and everyone here, future husband, and God. FIGHTING.
At CY couldn't see cards GOSHDARNSITALL so messed up a lot, and couldn't even hear own playing cuz speaker too low ><; keyboard team cleaned stage after, SO HAPPY MEMBERS REMEMBERED <3
Oh omg today, Ting-Yi onni went to the hospital because her hand is swollen from a spider bite!!!!! O____X; right when she joined, too! =(
*sigh* am i doing things RIGHT?! Tanshimga too fast? loud? playing too bouncy? Bangy? Someone, tell me how to be a better leader!!!! I have no idea waht i'm doing!!!!!!
Kangsanim said that the Japanese people are getting scared of walking the streets, afraid to die. evil spirits influencing people to kill, commit suicide. O_O;
August 3 [Day what? What happened to August 2nd!? Days are getting all mixed up ><;]
Hardest day to get up. Jessica and Rebecca and I lay down on the last unmade sleeping bag and closed eyes fo a few last (savory?) minutes. then the day began. another one...
Holy ground after hdh in small hall, get water with sarah, mako and aika who want to go home and eat chinese food lol ^^
Practice Seongweoneh Eunsa in G, then Vocal leader, Makoto-sshi and Yasutaka-san come and warm up their voices. after, they talked to me in Japanese it was so nice =)
At CY Kuniyuki-san tap my shoulder telling me that volume of keyboard too loud. i thought so too but too scared unsure tomove. the Kangsanim himself was motioning it was too loud!! I hurry and lower but it seemed not to change!! I feel so bad. couldn't wait until i got on. turned volume down, sit and begin to feel better...
THE FAN BLEW TANSHIMGA SHEET MUSIC PAPERS TO THE FLOOR!!! What should I have done!? THANKFULLY LIFESAVINGLY MAKOTO-SAN TURNED THE FAN AROUND OMG. THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOOOUUU MAKOTO-SAN!!!!!!
JSW, stressed if i'm supposed to go to piano for kangsanim. i freak out. jyun-san tell me she'll tell me when, in korean, he ask for pianist. he does. i run up, bowing all over the place, cuz HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE WAITING FOR ME, WHO WAS LATE, BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN.
Daemonim walk in while i play.
i look down, concentrating so hard.
Daemonim malsseum. then fastest CY Start ever, no time to breathe. bow, go, start, BAM Moonkangsanim so fast. God pulling me, helping me do everything. then miraculously, i put at good volume and play it in G, all right.
It's AMAZING what a key change can do. it felt so much more exciting, uplifting... goosebumps... it felt like... i dunno... awakening? amazing. i was really scared though since i had practiced it for like 30 min, ever. sometimes moon-kangsanim skip eye check . it's funny to see everyone's different style in doing main vocals lol XD
Megumi-san come, relieve my stress!! I WAS DONE WITH 2 DAY WORKSHOP!!!! Her style/playing is SO COOL, diff. from mine! she followed sheet music maybe... i didn't... i just transposed it from F ><;
Later, Kayoko-san (former keyboard leader) tell me, "you can do it!" <3
HAIRCUT! FI..NAL.LY!!!! had to sit on anita's lap tho, car full ><; we waited at the hair cut place for three hours and 45 minutes for our haircuts. everyone taht came in and the brothers got to go first. looked at magazines, drank lil bottle of something... at least there was AC. half-slept.
What was funny was when the barber lady finished cutting uh... Colin?-oppa's hair, it was all combed and stuff, and he immediately messed it up with his hands and everyone laughed XD
cut hair finally yeah, somehow got what i wanted across to korean barber... "fringe" and shorter and layer or something yeah, i dunno i pinned it up right away after getting bangs retrimmed before paying 6,000w.
OH! I HEARD TABLO-OPPA'S VOICE ON A KOREAN COMMERCIAL! :D
4th in line for dinner. buy two clips from store to hold up shorter hair ><; my cold is nearly gone, my voice louder!!! Sharon-onni say i'm becoming a better leader too! :D
CY = VOLUME IS SUCH A PROBLEM!!! ARGH@!!!! and omg the drums were MOVING, blocking view to cards, the piano pedal slipping... ><;
August 4
the first thought i had this morning, right when i was capable of thinking after sleep, i thought, 'i can't wait for bed time tonight. just 18 more hours to go.' >______<;
piano solo accompaniment w/o eliot-oppa dongsane norae, everyone sing <3 go tree of blessing first time all weekend, high-five kohwa <3
I CAN CALL MY FAMILY NOW!!! AT LUNCH!!!! X)
At CY, i ask Naomi if keyboard volume too loud, she say maybe a lil. turn around, see yasutaka-san signaling to me, too loud. i go up, vol down, he motion "ok" phew. he's so yasashii~ ^^
また，CYを無事に出来ました！！本当にありがとうございます，神様!!!!!! <3
Piano for song team, MESS UP!! TOO FAST CHORD CHANGE!! >_______< I'M SORRY ELIOT-OPPA, EVERYONE!!! x(((((((
discussion about protection factors against the fall... TINY LIL KID ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS SO CUUUUUTE. can't believe he has more opinion, voice and understanding than me...!!!! XD
Thomas-oppa called me pro-pianist... x3
invited to mana's bday party! talk with harumi, oh! Ting-Yi-onni know Debussy, and at her Chi. university study "apply music" like for CM! XD
Uh, had random thought. I want to play music with my husband...
Abby said that I look like one of the brothers here, like we could be long-lost siblings!! WHOA WHO THE HECK...!!!???? O_o;
Will i cry when the workshop is coming to an end, and i can no longer be on the song team, cy team, and in the workshop in general? and freak out if i haven't figured out hte purpose of my life yet?
lunch with takami from vancouver, who guessed i was 16/17 omg lol! anita guess i was 15!! XXDD
run to phone. kuni is calling home too. so proud to tell daddy i'm leader of keybaord <3 also tell of when dmn came in, music club, dp contest... so hot... THEY'RE PLANNING TO GO CAMPING WHEN I COME BACK, even if school starts cuz now that we all homeschool, we can go whenever XD CAN"T WAIT!!
run to 3rd floor, go up secret (not really xp) stairs with Kinesha. she's so loving and FUNNY!!! <33333333333
Girls meeting, i was late. moving to tears, but didn't want to cry there ><; miranda-onni...!!! nina-onni!!!!!
dp lecture contest pt. 2. Patrick-oppa's was awesome!! Mana's trinity's pictures so cute <3 go to her b-day party, eating lots of snacks... Kinesha run up telling me Makoto-sshi wants to see me, he's waiting for you at the men's bath entrance.
I take off, terrified.
he tell me in japanese that because we're moving to daiseiden, keyboard team has to move piano upstairs. i nod when i understand, but he still ask if i understand.. and i don't know what to say with my heta japanese and i feel bad and yeah...
ARGH. STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.
frantic shower, hurry dinner, only able to find and tell Francois to help, he go, i go. Makoto-sshi and him already moving it up!! Megumi-san winding cords, i bring stand, sweaty. so many ppl here now! kinda mad cuz really don't lke it when so many people here. but not supposed to think like that, GOD'S VIEWPOINT!
Soonae 1st (love her, she's so gooood and dependable!!!!! <3) me 2nd, kaya-sshi debut!!!! she did AWESOME <3
during my part, my mind wandered for ONE second and when i came to, i was playing the wrong part. I WAS SO HORRIFIED. i couldn't smile anymore.
i prayed a lot after. SO, SO sorry Kamisama!!!
Jessica debuted side. so cute and eager!!! Rebecca debuted solo for 2nd half!!!
so many people, it kind of stinks... literally.
at lecture hall after, i BUTCHER Tears in Heaven. upstairs realize my adapter doesn't fit straightener, so my hair will be ugly forever. in CP anyway.
August 5
The thought that pushes me now in the morning when I wake up is just, I WANNA PLAY PIANO FOR SONG TEAM!!
Mountain check! Laundry NOOOO No 500won coin ><; oh yeah everyone is getting on my case for breaking my promise about putting my hair down ahhhgghhhghghh!!! i caaaaaaaan't!
New keyboard member!! Fukuoka Kaori!!! :D But Jyun-san sick!! And resting... Junko-san sick but came!! =\ LOVE soonae for being able to play piano so well!!! i was so tired at CY today, not like usual... at CY usually not too tired... =\
Ran to the store to buy bobby pins, exchange money into coins, run to laundry, jessica took the detergent! aahg!! wil buy it at lunch =\
@ JSW, I prayed about how I didn't realize how bad my Japanese was until I came here. I'm heta. This is making me feel the decision to become an interpreter approaching.
Hurry to lectureroom right as Wonderwall is stating!! AW!!!!!!! Link arms with Kohwa, Kinesha instead of playing piano =\ Wonderful feeling, singing that on stage with them... <3
Sharon and Patrick's lectures were cut off so they had a chance to finish now! I held SHaron's poster again =) They should really win =)
13 more days. Ato wa 13 nichi dake. 13 il mani isseo.
All of a sudden, when i was improvising on piano during break with some "If I Were Free" chords before we were going to sing it, Jeremy-oppa JUMPS UP and comes, and says "WHAT SONG IS THAT!?"
O_o; Um um... uhhh I was just fooling around.. but I said that it aws "If I were free" I dunno, i used those chords... but kinda infused yiruma or something into it O_O I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY HE BURST OUT LIKE THAT.
When I Think aboiut it, history seems so fun/exciting/niii~ce to read about. But when I do, in school, it's dead boring >n<; aw.
P.S. my Ilshim ring is black with scratches from bows O_o;
Oh so Abby showed me who looked like me. Rebecca agrees. "Long lost brother." I... kinda... wish it wasn't so~! >n<;
sophie, after she say hi and I reply when sweating, hobbling up rock stairs to lecture room, she say my smile is so nice and I'm like thank you but HAAAHH???? Whaa!!??? is she looking at meee...!!??
I don't want to suck on anymore throat candy, but I'm falling asleep. Daydreaming about Christmas. With my family. At home. I miss the cold, having to wear warm, soft sweaters <3 Miss most:
1) family.
2) sleep.
3) having no stress
4) playing acoustic piano.
I am realy, really not listening to Dr. Sanchez's lecture.
So many people at lunch, many youngsters. lunch duties! do laundry finally with detergent, then I called my brother Justin for the chords to Tears in Heaven so i wouldn't butcher it again and I can play it better for Eliot-oppa. when I go home, Justin and I together will be the bestest elder siblings!
Mama told me to relax, not do every single CY session.
Kenmei got to play piano for "Sailing With Our Father." I wanted to play =\
I love how Daddy always sounds so excited when I call home XD always he answers almost.
D: Hi, this is Cyril.
Me: Hi Daddy~!
D: Heeeeeeeeey Jenny! Wow, we get TWO calls in two days!!
^ like that XD <3
Oh yeah At lunch, Mr. Sanchez, Luke and Patrick sat with me... lol... They just talk DP. I eat, go for duty. Dr. S say I always smile during piano, At CY... I see him watching a lot, looking up at us on stage lol ^^
Definitely, 200%, DP lectures are the hardest things to not fall asleep during. So. Boring. I mean, I can't soak it in so raw... I miss One Heart Camp explanations like Kwanchai, Deanne, Dave's ways of simplifying and applying it to daily life so I don't even know it's DP.
I wanna sleep so bad.
Who sould I pick for tonight's CY? Diana and William are Mr. Sanchez's children!
I really, really SLPET at break. Head on arms on desk. Abby massages me, wake up and my forehead red. AAGHHH song team singing already!!! "As the deer"!! AW I MISSED PIANO ALL AFTERNOON NOW!!!!! For 2nd song, Eliot-oppa say i can play piano but i turned down because take too long to turn on, and go to "Stero keys" AW >n<;
Seriously, girls lack spirit in singing. Guys so good (like being on their wide with piano because their voices loud and spirited). Real "brotherhood." arms across shoulders, swinging, or stomping, clapping...
Looking forward to (HOME:+:Furusato~~~*singing*) Music Festival (of course) and MOVIE!!! And dancing Chanyang!!! And sleep. I can't believe I really slept, for like 20 minutes! XD well, so tired...
Mama said Mrs. Tamura was leaving for CP on Thursday, if I need anything can ask her to bring it ^^ I wanted something frmo home, but I forgot.
A patriot is a person willing to give their life for their nation.
Last night I asked God/ancestors/spirits to wake me up @ 4am. Then I realize my straightener won't work here with my adapter, and I forgot to tell then it's ok not to wake me up anymore, so they woke me up at 4am really really lol!!! XD
I'm feeling like... wow I've met so many people from so many countries/states! There's a BIG, real possibility I might meet some of them... Kinesha, Eliot, Lisa, Yeonhi, even PAtrick, Miranda, Insun, Soonae, Naomi... I hope I do!!!! Kinda wishing me and mama can go to Wales for Grandma for a while this year. I will LOVE to be cold for a change. PRolly not when there, tho xp. That's not probable, but... 1% chance. If so I want to give my heart in helping care for her, and also meeting British (LIKE ME) BCs <3
I really do...
Randomly... Diana Sanchez is drop-dead gorgeous. So jealosu!
Heavenly Father,
Here in CP, everyday I feel more strongly, "I can be matched and Blessed to anyone." Like... nationality, looks don't matter, just the inside. I can accept anyone.
It's just a problem of... I don't know if I can accept a handicapped person... and THAT'S where I'm flawed still!! and not ready!!! Definitely not for TP's matching =(
While I was picking up garbage from the floor Rebecca pushed in the chair and it smashed my temple. ow. it really, really hurt my eyes watered but i pretended nothing happened and it was good ^^ Kohwa gave me candy ^^ she thought I Was 15, full AMERICAN >n<; goshdarnsitall!!!
I change, put laundry to dryer, pray at JSW for 30 min crying like HECK. So. Sorry to God for everything until now. Dinner alone. Korean veggie stew thing. and korokke <3 brush teeth...
Um... Francesco-oppa...?
------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL YOU should NOT JUDGE ANYONE!!!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.
I got a break from CY, made SOonae do so much instead I'M SO SORRY!! >n<; I saw in middle of hundreds of Japanese girls ^^ Did my bset-best actually!! Not sleepy! Cold almost gone, so i can sing up to "a." feels like... nice cuz everyone around me still new at CY, but I know exactly when we're changing what body part to hit ^^ My partner was Lisa-chan, 10th grade ^^
The laundry in CP doesn't work. I wear "clean" clothes but in reality, they're stinky and dirty, not a good bright white.
We butchered Generation of Righteousness XD clapping mostly, guys singing random notes lololololllllzzz XP
Sophie and Soonae SOK ING & WONDERFUL!! <3 <3 <3 Let me use straightener AND adapter with such grace, elegance & love <3 I will try to do @ 4am!
August 6
Didn't wake up at 4am. Tho I asked very hard, TP, God, absolutely good spirit world and ancestors to. MAybe cuz it's a selfish reason =\
I only went to Water of Life, then came back and straightened my hair. Mrs. Sanchez came into the bathroom and saw me *gulp* feel so guilty, horrified. at first, the straightener sooo hot it made my hair like straw omg soonae's is sooooo strong and BURNS me!!!! the HAIR BURNS ME!! O_____O; but then... it... worked! and my bangs... i could put them down...!!!!
All morning sisters commented, and didn't recognize me, and i felt really cool <3 finally a little self-esteem...? xp
Two nights ago, Jessica saw, in darkness, Saika go out the window to the thing outside like a porch kinda and she freaked out!! Cried next night (last night) afraid to sleep, but everything cleared. She thought it had been a spirit. She's ok now <3
Cy do best. Can tell ppl looking, not recognizing @ 1st X3 I tried to smile for my whole 30 minutes on stage... for encouragement to the main vocal, cards, everyone... put heart into tanshimga... Makoto-sshi says Kangsanim said for CY team to put more JYOUNETSU ~ PASSION into everything. So... I tr. Ending is really fun ^^
I'm so proud to bow with the Chanyang team, always. Am I worthy...?
Then lecture/group discussion. Suck my life out >n<; sleep really again at break. Miranda give me fullest back massage I ever had, while Rebecca played with my hair.
Felt. So. Good XP
Eliot-oppa always playing Hey There Delilah, She Will Be Loved, and some brothers are always asking to sing "How to Save a Life" lol... wish I knew more songs everyone knew so i could play for them.
goshdarnsitall my hair is curling from sweat, touch, and just... time passing.
At song team singing (By the Spring of Life) Patrick-oppa asked my age and country (he knew).
Randomly today, out of nowhere, I felt like: I want to give my husband head and back and hand and feet massages.
Had to rush through lunch, go clean. Packing up chairs and desks groups 5 - 7 of sisters and brothers had to carry chair up 6 flights (or is that called 3 flights?). Duuuuuude Yen Chuan-oppa did 4 chairs at once!!!! Rebecca did 2, I did 3. It wasn't as bad as I expected. And omg! Luke said my name in encouragement, and Patrick-oppa on the way down, said "Jenny I'll take those for you..." but I said no it's okay ^^ it's like everyone's talking nice to me...!!! (since I put my bangs down... LOL coincidence xp).
So sweaty, had to pin up bangs cuz they were wavy and nasty.
Go on bus/car to Cheong-A camp, do drums of the three traditional Korean experiences.
Uh, it was the best ever.
Not exactly because of the drums... it was really fun playing the "book" but the teacher. BUTTER TEACHER!!!!! *saranghaeyo~~~* OMG SO FUNNY, CUTE, and JUST COMPLETELY FRIENDLY *HUGE HEART* SO SWEET *HUGE HEART* DUNNO WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!!! <3 WILL NEVER FORGET HIS KINDNESS. I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, SO FUNNY, OPEN-HEARTED, CUTE... <3
Come back, we buy ice cream cuz it's SO HOT AND SUNNY today. like animals at the ice cream boxes LOL. Ate with Yukimi and Valerie...~ Shower, wait 30 minutes in hueg line of Japanese brothers, worried about CY practice. But it was okay =)
OMG OMG!!! JESSICA AND REBECCA DID CARDS TOGETHER SOOOOO CUTE!!!!! <33333 after song team got chocopies~
Now we're in Room B of 3rd floor for lectures.
No. Piano.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For the first time I was in the front udring closing at JSW. IT felt much much better, we were practically yelling the pledge, singing our hearts out.
Soobin-onni is BACK, from JAPAN!!!! :D
August 7
Weird, all chairs and GUYS on 3rd floor xp True PArents speech today! 11 DAYS LEFT!!! Getting so serious about interpretation as a career.
Only went to Water of Life. I'm so lazy. Breakfast alone. Go big hall. Other brothers not from CY team came later so I couldn't pracice piano =\
Slept against a pillar, then lost my breakfast. Will be hungry soon, not even 8am =((((((( wearing dress clothes x(
9:40am during Hyun Jin Nim's speech
Grace gives good "squeeze" Massages! and Abby gives tickly ones xp
I really really, really admire the Eng-Kor interpreter. I can't imagine what it feels like for him. Stressful... but really good? Cuz he has the ability. I don't yet, I can't even begin to imagine. But I think... I want to... become an interpreter.
11:15am
Still going on. I'm dying. Gotten like ten massages from people around me. Falling asleep during True Father's event. Can't help it. No AC, hungry, TIRED, uncomfortable, sitting for 4 hours, talking about the darned helicopter for 3 1/2 of those hours. I would be sleeping riht now if Abby not sitting next to me. bad/good thing. we're going boating today.
I just wanna go home.
Later
Dude we sat for five hours. Even if it WAS TP, I'm too tired.
Lunch. I felt odd. I sit, prayer interrupted. Someone tell me this table is already taken. So embarrassed, I leave, about to cry. I just had to, had to make eye contact and pass right by afjs;odrhi Go all the way to the other sidde of the whole cafeteria, sit alone. Don't even know why! But want to just burst into tears that are roaring to get out.
"Let it be, let it be..."
Kayoko-san appears, Got-sent. Talks to me. Says I'm really working hard as a leader, that God is a genius. I had no intention of becoming leader but it's God's gift to me. And also she was talking with a friend, when she pointed me out and her friend said that I was beautiful because of my skin... and that i'm always modest.
She cheered me up a lot.
God cheered me up through her, I know it.
Rush 3rd floor, change to SFP blue shirt, wait Tree of Love, bus to boat dock.
So yes. Boating was awesome. The dancing teacher!! X3 Helmets, ctoch-life-jackets, Pedals, groups of 12. Splashing fights on the boats (beaten up by brothers), splashed by a motorboat (where Jesica was). Race, standing together, standing on boat RIM together singing Twinkle twinklg (WE WON XD) and situps with head in the water. Also one at a time everyone in the boat jump in the water, be rescued XP then all jump in, drag boat back to dock. So. Tiring. Then get back in boat, exhausted.
OH!!! After I jumped in the water and they pulled me up, Miranda was pulled up after and dropped on me and Ryuichi-san (in our boat, like our leaer lol X3) yelled "WE'VE LOST ONE!" LOL HE'S SO FUNNY!!!! Like Kwanchai-oppa mankeum funny!!!!!
Then we jump/flip/dive into the water from the dock to swim for fun!! Kenmei did a backflip duuuudee..!!! our group 9 held hands and had to splutter up to the surface lol XD
After, walked back to Cheongpyeong. Didn't dry in the heat, amazing O__O; I heard Dae Hi talking about the one Korean girl in our group during drumming yesterday, and how she must've been understanding everything he interpreted but why the heck didn't she be interpreter instead? =( I thought he did a good job, tho I can only understand a lil Korean =\
No shower, go JSW, Megumi-san too. 2 day workshop people are here. I'm doing 1.5 hours of perf tomorros. She say Moon Kangsanim came to her after last weekend, say Jyun-sshi mess up, maybe not good... O________<;
Dinner alnoe but POP Valerie come sit with me. She say "it's so hard to find ppl we know..." SO TRUE.
Hurry CY, in main hall cuz wanna practice in G key, Megumi-san style XD Talk with Soobin, who is back from 2 weeks in Japan and joined CY team again!! after her practice and Francois, who is ready for debut anytime, I practice. Francesco-oppa asked me if I knew Japanese, if I could translate for the drummer, but I say I can't, because... drum terms I dunno, maybe I can't do well!??
AARGGHH I HAAAAAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PPL BY TRANSLATING THO I AM GOSHDARNSITALL HALF JAPANESE, AND SHOULD BE FLUENT!!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING FLUENT IN JAPANESE, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRANSLATE FOR OTHERS, I HATE HAVING TO HAVE TRANSLATORS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHERS. I HATE SUCKING AT JAPANESE!!!!!!
Ting-Yi-onni, DEBUT!!!!!!
Yasutaka-san's smile is soooo encouraging and sweet!!!! aw!!!! very warm. with him as main vocal, we had the happiest Chanyang session EVER.
Upstairs in our lecture building, waited... Eliot-oppa call song team. OH YEAH yesterday morning, I was the ONLY GIRL during Chanyang. I had no one do my okkae. Kinda embarrassing next to row of guys... So now again, the only girl for song team. i stand there. Eliot-oppa see, laugh, say "need piano..." LOL YES I MISS IT <3
I'm so sad I didn't buy the Cheon Jeong Goong pic =(
Olivia twisted her ankle on the stone steps!? Soobin cried for three hours after her mess up two weeks ago!!?? O___O AAAWWWW!!!!!!!
After JSW closing (next to Kaya-san) Makoto-san call me over. I saw him from corner of eye,k kinda wondering if he would talk to me. He ask if I'm ready for "happyo" of 5 cy sessions tomorow, and YUPS i am! but i'm worried about time running out for Francois to debut!!! Well... he say goodnight...~ ^^
Finally, finally, I can slee-- *dead*
August 8 TEN DAYS LEFT!! X) 미친 날
Every morning, I wake up Reb & Jes and At night, they get my sleeping bags and wave me a spot with them =3
I wanna remember our CP schedule, so I'll write it down:
4:30am - wake up
4:50 - song team <3
5 - bow, pledge in korean, bow, peace messages, pray
5:30-ish - Exercises with (first August, then) Patrick
5:40-ish - Korean class with Jeremy-oppa
5:50-ish - Announcements, cleaning duties
6:15 - 7:40 Holy Ground, change, breakfast
7:40 - Chanyang practice
｢明るく，元気で喜んで感謝してシンナゲのせいしんで。。。 やりましょう。。。？ ではファイチングします。」
8:15 - Chanyang for (70 min.)
9:45 - Jeongshimweon prayer
10:10 - Song team <3
10:20 - DP lecture or reading
11:10 break, song team <3
11:30 continue reading/dp
12:30 - lunch, self reflection
2 - song team
2:10 - dp lecture or sometimes Cheong-A camp, boating, Cheongjeong Goong...
Chanyang practice this morning was odd. Forgot to put on balck socks, forgot to put on pin until almost starting time. And during practice, OUT OF NOWHERE, we ALL just stopped playing. Drums stopped, vocals stopped, I stopped. WTHECK!!? O___O; freaky. EVeryone was just like... what!? Why?! Alda tell me to start again so i do >n<; messed up 1st intro yeah...
So tired but smiled for everyone, Jessica at cards and Naomi D at vocals =) then it was the brother that doesn't give me full eye checks, awkwaaaard.
Hurry JSW, back run w/o bathroom >n<; nervously NOT play for DMN entering the room. Sit with JEssica whole time listening to NOTHING, as in no English translation. Sleep, sweat. Megumi-san come! Find English translation later but Jessica (Spanis) said it was for something else LOL I dunno!! I WAS HALF SLEEPING WHOLE TIME, didn't notice was listening to wrong translation XP
then BAM BAM BAM Chanyang, special Ancestor liberation for Japanese leaders in G. Did ok... something wrong with volume. Never loud enough anymore. Scared whole time. Jessica and I exchanged nervous smiles, son ervous. She went solo!! Then Megumi-san took over for me =) So tired.
I ate lunch FIRST of ALL Int. BCs because I skipped whatever they did while I did the Chanyang for Japanese leaders only... so I had WATERMELON OMG so cool, sweet. then go call Daddy. Mainly he say ask others to take over if i need a break, if too stressful. "Don't break your leg." I can't wait to go home and go camping!! And SLEEP. I wanna go HOME.
I buy cookies for the party, and new pin cuz my pants the symbols is wearing off and it's necessary.
@ breakfast, Rebecca say (over mochi) that I'm just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Not good to be either. Why do you wanna lose wieght? I was happy, but still... need to be skinnier.
We were on 3rd floor later, someone had ipod on speakers listening to The Used, Evanescence... then there was a scene with a troubled Japanese girl, running away from Ryuichi-san O__o;
Japanese is beautiful.
私本当に本当につやくしゃになるかなあ｡｡｡ 日本語｡｡｡ realizing...
2:45pm Mrs. Sanchez - TF life dongan
I was looking forward so badly for What Dreams May Come but it seems like we'll prolly watch something else. Oddly, I didn't feel bad. Like, I accpet things easily now, things I can't change. Or maybe I'm just too tired to care >n<;
I dunno, when guys speak Japanese and Korean, it's beautiful.
3:40 after break
Got Miranda and Soonae's addresses! <3 I HOPE TO SEE THEM IN ENGLAND SOMEDAY!!!! <3
At home, at One Heart Camp and Winter Workship in California, I'm so afraid to just MOVE, but here I'm SO. FREE. It feels so good. Wooting, singing loud with song team, responsibility of being on time up to me, talking to everyone. Sleeping on the floor, sharing snacks. It feels so good.
Was that just an earthquake right now? Or ppl downstairs bouncing? O__o;
I have to make more effort to enunciate and not have slurry accent in Japanese. Have to talk to mama in Japanese ONLY best training along with study.
Best session, out of DP lectures and DP reading etc is definitely True Father's life!!!!
6:15pm in the big hall
Dnner line hadn't been so bad. The AC that hits you after a shower is just glorious.
Kayoko-san finds me every meal time!! She's gonna work here for a year, office work! OMG. So she wants my email address yay <3 her fav food is some kind of jelly and soba <3 i help her practice her english pronunciation, this one sentence for Ryuichi-san?
Slept on random floor space at sister side of big hall for 30 minutes. REALLY SLEPT. or maybe half. too tired. sit. during dongsaneh norae, winna find me, tell me i have to come sit with cy team.
I completely forgot.
And completely nearly crash into someone, dansei. Both like, uh, uh, not going. no eye contact. i go lol.
I can't believe there are two whole lectures, a 60 min. CY that I'm doing 2nd for, and JSW. so many people. can i survive? we're watching the TP helicopter video. AGAIN. Seriously, i am tired, and tired of this helicopter deal.
Um... yeah. CY was crazy.
first, after half sleeping whole first lecture, all of a sudden CY team has to jump up and get ready. drum team keyboard team, me and soonae prepare. then fast bow, GO! STRESSFUL. Brothers and sisters squished. Makoto-san ask me, "can you hear piano?" i say kinda, but no not really. so i go up, put the volume up. it's already higher than normal, soonae had put it perfect!!!! and it was blasting in her face!!! Why...
Later Makoto-san tell again... I say "ookii spiikaa kara detenai to omoimasu..." and he like ahh... i don't know what to do.
Me 2nd. Put volume louder. lil speaker sound like struggling. i go on, feels normal. Yen Chuan-oppa doesn't smile much anymore.
Then the vocals changed. Christelle, Makoto-san, Takayuki-san. And all craziness breaks loose.
They couldn't hear my piano playing, Christelle mainly, cuz far away. so she sang off key, but it wasn't her fault!! MAkoto-san eye on me, motion about volume. so lifting left hand, do just melody while raising volume. Lil speaker making clicking, vibrating noises. i'm thinking, if any louder, it'll explode. but they can't hear, NO ONE!! Singing off key, mics screeching O______O!!!! i make weird faces to makoto-san and Yen Chuan-oppa. like... what am i supposed to do...!!?
Winna catches my eye, and we start laughing. while i'm playing piano. then i suffer through the rest of the session.
Tanshimga i put as loud as i dared. maybe that's why it seems like people don't sing well with my playing. they can't hear me ever.
something vibrating loudly by me. it's so loud, yet so quiet. i do my best, cringing, probably. @ ending too, as loud as i dared, afraid to make the speaker explode. i'm probably the worst keyboard leader ever to come to CP. strangely i'm calm. a lil frustrated, but not in tears (yet).
Afterwards, drummer immediately tell me he couldn't hear anything. Soonae come help me turn off, cover. talk fast, like what's happening!!? Christelle, Alda come, talk to them... all CY members talking like never b4. So embarrassed...
It's all my fault.
Go JSW. on the way, aika, other lil girls ask me where to go we watch lightning striking the purple sky in the distance <3
I pray, apologize.
Abby find me. She had spiritual experienve during ansu. she want to sing the righ tlyrics. sang so loud, seh said. feel emotional. when get back to big hall for 2nd lecture, she CRY!!! she sleeping on my back now. Aw...
B4 lecture, alughing with winna about what happened. feels good to think light about it. also b4, check for Megumi-san right after CY but not there!!!! NOOOOOOOOO------!!!! Also tralk, explain to KAya-san... she comfort me, it's not my fault.
모두 내 탓이야. ぜんぶ私のせいで｡｡｡
I wish i was crying now. Dousurebaiino!!?
I. am. so. sorry.
After JSW, where I COULDN'T cry, this kid nearly crashes into me. I dodge in an odd position. getting angry at the whole darn day. i run away. hurry to 3rd floor. no more journal to write, so just flop into bed. muscles ache from swimming 2 days ago. just frustated with the whole day.
when almost sleeping, Sharon woke me up.
"Jenny, I am sorry to wake you, but we have been chosen to play for Hyun Jin Nim."
Or was it Heung Jin Nim?
WTHE--------------------------CK!!!!! Our "One Family Under God" was chosen by Moon-kangsanim!!! OMG. just. omg.
August 9 (Saturday)
Tired. worried. last time, i pretty nmuch butchered the ending, so this time, i've got to figure something out!!! prolly will skip holy ground again. gulp. wanna call parents, yes b4 breakfast!!!! i've memorized my phonecard x)
Called home instead of holy ground. mama said she's been praying for her ancestor to talk to my ancestor so i can sleep better and all through the night lol XD not working. last night, i woke up and half asleep, i rolled up one of my sleeping bags thinking it was time to wake up because i HEARD PEOPLE TALKING and it was almost Chanyang practice. but it wasn't. o_O;
I'm so worried. How am I supposed to deal with the speakers!!!?? Go with KAya-san to Korean office and one guy say that at 8am they'll send someone to fix it.
The guy came, but I don't think it's coming through the big speakers. semeed a little louder, but...
JSW. I hate being touched all over the place cuz it's too crowded. too, too, too, too crowded. squished. rushing, pushing, uncomfortable, frustrating... argh. then stressful, cuz still twice need to play.
Sleep in big hall with head on bag until kangsanim go on stage. i freak out, knowing piano not on. go up. he motion to piano like, "you're keyboardist?" i nod, go. wait. then play way too loud. to me anyway. is it coming out of the big speakers!? I used all my (nonexistant_) skill to play. this KEYBOARD. I MISS ACOUSTIC!! quietly, face stiff with worry. Damonim come in. i don't kno wwhen to go down, curtain blocking my way, so after prayer, dmn go to podium, i dash out the back way. dive in front of Isun-onni.
I listened to DMN's words very very badly. because i'm writing this thing, my journal. i'm so tired. this has been the hardest (32 so far) days of my life. i hope it's worth it.
i'll know if, from now on, i live as a true filial daughter to God and my parents, unable to sin.
DMN's talking. Hey JENNY-A! Don't give Satan any chance to accuse you!!!! All your arrogance, selfishness, fallen nature = NOT YOU. Inherited, influenced by media... it's not you. don't let it get to you. You're God's true daughter. ACT LIKE ONE.
"Absolutely, b4 blessing, don't have any difficult problems with opposite sex!! No look, no touch, no eat!!!!!! No alcohol, drugs, no party with drinks, NO!!!! Totally lock your buttons. why have to show to anyone else? it's just for your beloved spouse. can give birth to beautiful 3rd generation, true family."
It's our responsibility to change this world. 1st, 2nd, 3rd gen become united so we can bring KOHOE!!!
Shoa! Only stomach chanyang!
Grace-onni wants to stay in CP longer! likes being with us <3
So... ancestor liberation ceremony was only stomach and paksu. it was hard. no smiles, concentrate, try loudest, passionate... megumi-san plays so well...!!! sounds SO KAKKOI!! XD jealosu~ we have piano wiping towel now, finally. i wipe the keyboard a LOT, telling it thank you <3 Makoto-san was SOOOOO FUNNYYYY during Hallelujah LOLOL XD cuz we have to hold up our arms a lot and it's so tiring and painful, he like... waves quickly and then lets his arms hang down to the point he doesn't have to use energy to keep it up... you know...? aaaghh to hard to explain.
lunch --> that odd but yummy fruit salad. the Japanese BCs do chants b4 meals, like a CY beginning and then like. "Champoomonim jal meokgesseumnida...!!" so LOL Eliot-oppa made one too, like "rubadubdub please...?? America!" XP
Francisco-oppa really writing/studying something hard after lunch; go store; Yeonhi ask to debut...
PRACTIVE VIOLIN <3 Ting-yi-onni's lil brother is a violin pro OMG!! But he left already... wow... that's awesome XD I'm worried for our violin... it's like rotting in the heat O_o; then i lpay guitar for usic club since we dont' have a keyboard anymore. eat lots of junk food at the party for leaving ppl xp HATE being fat but eating so much, AND not going to mountain. NOT GOOD. cookies, rock choco, mccol, crackers... then pictures, writing emails etc. 9 more days. can't wait tho feel so incldued here... miss home tho.
I just realized I might feel more included, needed and loved here than at home because I actually contribute to the greater whole. by playing piano. at home i'm a nobody.
Chanyang members on stage are supposed to get energy from cards, i learned. i wonder...
@ 5pm we had western pic with dmn SO HOT BLINDING OMG. Dude, Kuni so unrecognizable!!
Talk a lot with Sawa (Texas!) and Hiromi and Erika, Yukimi, Jinae, yups <3 we're happy to be going home soon. some aren't...
now all i can think about is going camping with family when i g home and singing coutnry roads together x)
Sleep before Chanyang at the side. Kaya-san seem worry about me =\ FRANCOIS WAS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT BUT HE WENT TO HYUNGJIN NIM'S SERVICE OMG!!!!! NOOO!!! So switched to Soonae and me.
The big speakers worked. THANK YOU.
IT's a lil scary when Winna does cards cuz I always laugh. WAIT OMG WAIITTT!!!
THEY JUST ANNOUNCD THAT TRUE PARENTS IS COMING, GO MEET THEM OUTSIDE.
Screaming, running, crowds fly out. me running with winna, soonae, SO EXCITING OMG. i'm screaming LOL we line up alnog road, like a red carpet appearance XD WISH BROUGHT CAMERA GOSHDARNSITALL IT"S IN MY BAG!!!
The sky was beautiful today. like the beautiful asian feel of movies. bright sunlight, pure white clouds against a crisp blue sky. super hot, cicadas. then 7:30-ish beautiful pink, red... beautiful sweaty hot.
True Father comes. Was TM there?! No, DMN... run after the black car lol, feel so LIGHT AND FREE. i hardly run here cuz always saving energy, but when i DO, i can just tell i lost weight because i can run SO FAST and effortlessly OMG! IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!
After TF left, Soonam said I actually look HAPPY NOW!!! XD
it had been so exciting, but my explanation quick becauase so tired!! we went back for Chanyang. Victoria had cried from seeing TF!! I wasn't crying but I was more energized for an awesome chanyang session XD Winna took Yen Chuan-oppa's fan so then he fanned everyone lol, me rebecca, makoto-san... XD LOL i feel so happy now after TF...
Do good CY. Soonae so good at doing first part !!! <333 i did 2nd winna made me alugh a lot. supposed to be serious inside and passionate to help everyone lol... i mess up almost.. it was the sweatiest chanyang ever...!!
Lightning without rain again... ^^ super cool~ talk with sawa, motoyo, kiyoka, rebecca, cherisa about stuff <3 meet in beloved chinhwagwan 1B like old days. award winners of DP contest. Seiya's group YES DEFINITELY! And Patrick-oppa too!!! PERFECT!!! MAna and SHARON too!!! Then certificates of graduates... omg many people are leaving in the next threee days!!!
i'm selfishly daydreaming about going to wales/uk. noo!! xnx JSW was sweaty. go to bed.
august 10 (Sunday, but feels weird =\)
Slept through the whole night YES!!! <3 Thank you mama's ancestor x) but so tired, slept longest ever, as in waited till last minute to get up.
we brought chairs down from 3rd floor. by the time i was donw with NOT GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN NOR WATER, the last chair had been taken and i felt so bad especiall for Patrick-oppa who must've gone up a couple times, once came down with FOUR >n<;
I'm so lazy.
Eliot-oppa singing Jesse McCartney.
I always half-sleep before chanyang now. too worried to fully sleep though. FRANCOIS DEBUT & RASUTO!!!! HE DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!! OMG WHOOOOOOTT!! Soobin 2nd!!!! Jyun-san come to k-office with me cuz speaker WASN'T WORKING, but it did...?
it's depressing to be with 14 day participants cuz they don't sing, but half-sleep and clap weakly. and slow at changing body parts... but i have to love whem with the Heart of God... ^^;
took lots of pics after aw.... i took them, wasn't IN them. SO SAD X( high five Francois! do laundry.
guess what. we have no elextricity now until 5pm. but why do the fans work? wth!? Saw Mrs. Tomorrow yesterday and today!!! so COOL to see someone i recognize, from the same city in the world!!!! XD
Today. was. hot. like. crazy.
Music club practice. Heavenly Father, please help me figure out the outro chords...!! time runing out >_0 play piano with sophie, soonae. she know the most popular british song, with french title!!! :D teach Motoyo a little...
Then. Dun DUN DUN. we switched everything with brothers, like sleeping spots. aired sleepings bags, packed, moved everything to 3B OMG, clean upstairs, move desks up. i was unnaturally energized, despite extreme heat and the task ahead. i was guilty/grateful actually because the brothers were the suffering ones. i think ZERO sisters brought up a desk, except for Sarah, Cherisa, Mako and I together one desk lol XD
Yeonhi ~~> debut <3
met Haruka-onni!!! What's she doing here!!? XD she was like... "Becky-chan~~~~!!!" <3 XD ahhhhh I missed her!!
Chanyang team got treats from British and Spanish (Alda, Colin...) members who left today!!
Later I told Eliot-oppa about getting "tears in heaven" chords but chickened out in playing it next song team time... ><; did two other songs... and OMG LOL. I was trying to play alnog and figure out this sequence of chords that he ALWAyS ALWAYS plays, it's to "iris" by goo goo dolls i THOUGHT i recognized it... so i was trying to play along and then suddenly Jeremy-oppa and a blong brother heard.
"WHOA!!!" then something like... "it totally sounded like you two were just playing the same song!!" then eliot-oppa says
"Do you know Iris!?"
I nodded *sweatdrop* then asked what chords i'm using, and walk away, playing lol... ^^;
This is what I mean by when we do "song team."
1) Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" and everyone takes forever to get started.
2) Choose songs
3) Eliot-oppa come show me book
4) sing and play two songs usually. someitmes one or three
5) clap, bow, leave stage~
I <3 playing for everyone.
Said goodbye to Francois after more certificate giving. he say i'm a good leader zw. he leaving tomorrow at 4:30am o_<;
Tomorrow again i'll skip mountain. but i'm dreaming hoping to play songs like "maybe" tomorrow morning (cuz we sleep here now!) for everyone, so brought UP sheet music ^^ it's already dark now (using my lil light to write this ) so goodnight... <3
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