負けそうで泣きそうで: 2009.06

Wow am I getting my fix of boybands tonight.Is it all the weeks of not keeping up?Hahaa... I've been staying up past midnight (yesterday was 3am ><;) just watching music videos, cute clips, dances, listening to music, writing fanfic (JUNSU-OPPA X3) ~~~ 1. MIROTIC.I will never, ever, ever never ever ever never ever get tired of this song and dance. I'm still as insanely crazily obsessed as I was in SEPTEMBER when it came out. It's been ten months. I'm officially never going to forget this song. I will learn the dance if it's the last thing I do. The hardest part is just getting my physical body to bring up the dance tutorial (slow mo mirror of dance mv) up and just DOING it. I'm so embarrassed about my sloppiness even though NO ONE can see me, or knows I'm learning this dance even. I learned a lot from kaotsun's tutorial last October, and do most of the hand motions all the time while listening to it lolll but not the leg movements. I'm so not used to my body moving like that, I can't get used to it... but I want to do it so bad, so bad... I'm all daydreams and hope, not action. I have to change that! That's why, I am learning Wonder Girls' Tell Me dance first! It's simple, EVERYONE knows it except me, and I'll use it to boost my confidence (hopefully) and practice until I'm fairly good at it. I have to perfect it before One Heart Camp, just in case other BCs know it too and we can dance at entertainment night!!! OMO THAT MAKES MY HEART POUND WITH EXCITEMENT XDAnd back to Mirotic, OMO all I do is play piano because that's what I'm comfortable with! I've recorded four piano versions/duets, a piano & drum duet and double guitar duet @.@; I memorized the lyrics so fast, just rereading the page I printed over and over. I have to memorize the Japanese version too! Gah! I can actually reach all the notes except Changmin's scream, I have NEVER tried that. I don't have the courage to even try ><; Jaejoong's high note (C# after B for DOU~~~) makes my throat hurt, because that's what I sing with. My throat. I've begged my mom to teach me how to sing with my diaphragm, but she won't and I don't know any singing teachers around and I'm so desperate to learn how to sing, but wait I was talking about dancing gahhhhh *breaks down into puddle of tears* I want to sing and dance sooooo bad, all the while wanting to be skinny and beautiful so bad too... and that is why I've been depressed for the past... 3 years!!! No, really, specifically the past few months, it's been worst. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. Not even that "moment of happiness" I wrote a song about was true, true happiness, because I was alone in my room, at the piano. True happiness cannot be felt by oneself, right? But guess what, I've pretty much lost everything. At church, I think people hate me yeah. I have three friends left at church who I talk to, actually. I know others care, like Deanne, she always always talks to me and says hi and takes time for me, Kwanchai too, both of them, like no one else... and the aunties don't hate me either, and uncles, but my age... my grade, those a few older than me, they hate me. I've seen it... I know I brought it onto myself. Because I have no self-confidence, I accidentally hurt others in my silence and unfriendliness. Being sociable and making conversation or just saying hi is the hardest thing for me to do in the world (other than sing and dance... ><;). I don't know how I'm going to get married. I'll never be matched. When a possible match finds out that I'm socially challenged and have self-esteem problems like no other, they're gonna turn away! Who wants to be with someone like me. No one. That's why I taught myself how to be "happy" by myself. I taught myself how to like loneliness. Though at white water rafting, I felt true loneliness for the first time in my life and I just burst into tears and bawled until I fell asleep, alone in my tent... no one wanted to sleep in the same tent with me, and they whispered to each other "why does she have her own tent" and they had to squeeze all in one tent. I didn't want to be alone, but it's just no one knows me, I don't know anyone well enough to be called a real "friend" not just a "hello" once in a while "friend," so I was alone and no one wanted to share the tent with me. I shared it with my little stuffed teddy bear keychain. That's the night I named him. It just fell into my head. Kkum. //Kkoom// meaning "dream" in Korean. Kkum-kun <3 He was with me on my lonelinest night. Too bad a song didn't come to me that time. It might've been a huge hit across the world, lol, because my loneliness was so deep and real, surely I would be able to express it in a song. And wow, did I not mean to write that much. 2. SHINEE.I've never watched their Love Like Oxygen MV! And honestly, I don't know their names yet... only Jonghyun ;____; I'm such a horrible fan. All I know are a few rough words from their Replay song, and how to play their songs on piano. I need to work on loving them properly. Official All-Time Favorite Song List~Meaning, I always listen to them with the same happiness/excitement as the first time I heard them. Even years after. It's been 5 years since Sakura, no? My first introduction to J-pop, which led to K-pop, which lead to stopping classical piano and trying out playing by ear and here I am, wishing I was Japanese, fluent in Japanese Korean and English and Chinese and Spanish, in Japan or Korea where I'm supposed to be, with people like me. Moriyama Naotarou - SakuraTVXQ - MiroticTVXQ - KimiSukiSuper Junior - MiracleSandy Lam - At Least I Still Have You (SJM's cover, tho ^^;) Hm... I thought I could remember more... but I'll stick this in the side of my blog as a list and add to it when I can remember ^^ Each song is thought over super carefully. It's my official list. I won't put anything that hasn't completely captured my heart. These songs so far, I've noticed, are songs that I always sing, even by myself without the original blasting in the background. I play piano or guitar and sing by myself to these songs. Let's see, what else is there to ramble about? It's almost midnight now. I should sleep more, I woke up an hour and a half late today GAH. Oh, reminds me, forcing down cold water before breakfast to rev up my metabolism and help me lose weight makes me want to barf. It feels so awful. I can't random thoughts about this one guy from popping into my head. But I have something so much worse to worry about. No, I shouldn't think about it at all. It's inevitable, all I can do is prepare myself, then use one of my best skills: ignorance. Yups, ignore, ignore ignore him. Maybe past feelings won't be reawakened... but I doubt it. It's going to come back. Oooooooh I'm working on a song! Whenever I work on it, in my head, Junsu is singing. I'm writing this song as if Junsu would sing it, really, in real life... it's in his key. The low notes are just at the edge of his range, where he can really growl and crunch his voice like in Stand Up <-- gah that song kills me, he has BOTH verses to himself!!! It's just FULL of Junsu-oppa's crazy voice X3 But what kills me most haaaaaaa is Share the World!!! HIS DOLPHIN SCREAM XD

I can't play piano how I want to play. I'm not good enough yet to be happy with what I hear myself playing. I can't play what I am trying to play! The dynamics, the feeling, it's all wrong. And my dad thinks I don't put any emotion into my piano playing. That hurts a lot when he comments like that... okay he didn't EXACTLY say that, but he meant it. Because I can't sway and flail my arms like professional children prodigy kids do. If I move too much while playing piano, I'll mess up. That's how bad I am. I'm trying, but the most I can do, or can consciously realize I'm doing, is make a face. My face always looks pained when I'm playing piano though lol. Because I'm concentrating so hard to not mess up. Only when I'm angry, do I let loose, not care about mistakes, and... I guess look furious haha. That's when I play Mirotic crazy mad lady insanity banging piano version. It's about twenty times too fast, I never let go of the pedal, a bit painful on the ears, and hurts me hands because I use nearly all my fingers for every bit of the song. But I like playing sad songs, like heartbreak sad songs. My ballad piano version of SHINee's Replay, that's good for me to make a painful face and try to play with emotion.

Ooooooooh yeah, I remember. I'm super good at remembering bad memories. I never forget. And I'm super cursed. Well anyway, more about piano and how bad I am. I don't think I played piano good once in public. Oh, only once. One time. The one time I wasn't nervous AT ALL. I was super happy and calm, and super grateful to be able to play for the church congregation at New Year's Day Entertainment. I played piano accompaniment for my mom, who sang my all time favorite song, Sakura by Moriyama Naotarou. I think I messed up mildly, twice, but I was never happier... people talked about our performance for months. I remember it had been on the old acoustic piano. I'm cursed with keyboards. I can't play them right unless they're in my room, I'm locked away in privacy, and I am not stressed, and not recording. Yeah...

Kigen is opinion, I think, in Japanese. A recent word I learned. No idea what the kanji looks like though.

I tried to speak only Japanese, and only write Japanese in my journal the past two or three weeks or so, but it's so hard. I can't express anything I feel right. But I want to become fluent so bad, and just talk Japanese all day to my mom and have her correct me, but I don't think I'm getting better. Will studying abroad in Japan help?

No use now though. I'm going to study abroad in Japan in my junior year of college. Or sophomore if possible. I can't stop thinking about it the past few weeks. Daydreaming about living in a dorm, in Japan. Of course, I'm skinny by then in my daydreams. Skinny and I know how to do my hair, a little makeup, and omg, I get found by this talent agency and become a world famous model, actress, singer, dancer, pianist, composer and entertainer!

Right... right...

I know there are going to be a lot of tears really soon in my life. In 16 days to be exact. The day One Heart leadership starts. I'm already getting afraid of going. I made the goal to staff this workshop in winter workshop, six months ago. I promised myself I would do it, so before I could even think properly I signed myself up and now there's no turning back. I do that to myself sometimes, yeah. So now I'm starting to worry and picture these awful situations. Like, dancing in front of everyone freestyle for 30 seconds. I'd die of facial inflammation, irregular heart beat, and simply, embarrassment. Dancing, as an icebreaker practically for fun in front of people I've known for years. What the heck. What is wrong with me. Why did I lose all my self-esteem? It went down to the negatives. I've calculated. I'm around negative 200 right now. If I have a bad food day, or one little mean comment by a family member makes me run to my room and cry, that loses about 10 - 15 points. If I have a breakdown, it's about 50. I don't remember anything raising my self esteem, though. For months. Nothing. Well, so far having lost approx 13 pounds from diet and exercise (torture), that should make me feel better, but knowing how far I have to go, I don't feel better. I'm not halfway yet. My goal is to be in the Japanese girl weight area. I want to fit in Japan when I go there. I want to live there, but I'm studying abroad to see if I can, first. I know my life goal, but I don't know the details, and how to get there, but it has to do with Japan. I don't have to live there, but I want to go there so bad. America is so--take that back. I haven't been to every corner of America. I've been to several states. I will speak for my town, that I live in, right now.

Hayward, California, is the ugliest, dirtiest little town I could possibly live in. In America. Why do we live here? There's garbage all down the streets and sidewalks, in the grass, the bushes, the school. Living on the same block as two high schools and a preschool isn't good. The @#$^$@^# high schoolers don't care about their own city, and just litter fastfood and coffee garbage everywhere. It makes me so angry. I've picked up the trash around the block several times, but the next day, it's all back. There's been a pair of boxers and pants and socks down our street for a few weeks that's making me so angry and disgusted. Also, because there are so many foreigners in our city, our schools have very low standards. Many employees in stores and restaurants have heavily acccented English, making it hard to understand them. It's annoying, actually. Seeing Spanish signs, translations and posters everywhere, in AMERICA, makes me angry. Frustrated. I feel really detached from this place, because I don't like it, don't want to like it, and have never really fit in.

I don't want to be here. In this city, in this state, in this country, in this period of my life! Graduating from high school (homeschool) to go to college for four years focusing on study and only study! I dread it all. Except studying abroad to Japan. I'm mostly afraid though.

Oh yeah. A little while ago, I figured out how to explain my life.

For the past seven years, since I started homeschooling (6th grade) I have been living on the wrong side of the glass wall. I'm alone, on one side. The world passes by without noticing me, on the other side. Fun, laughter, friends, adventures, feelings, emotions, pain, happiness, craziness... school, homework, concerts, sports, games, screaming, jumping, getting in trouble, sleepovers, learning how to use makeup, do your hair, staying up late with friends, just talking, or watching movies, hanging out... all those things, I just watched from my silent side of the glass wall. (at first I thought of it as an aquarium, but it didn't fit =\) I watched life go by, just being alone at home, home schooling for 7 years.

I found the door to solitude in 6th grade. Some of my most colorful and vivid memories are from kindergarten. I remember Easter Egg hunts, DP night, swallowing soap ><; allergies, hundreds of ladybugs, chewed cheeseballs, old friends. Everything is in bright color. Then in elementary school, I had the best friends ever. Tiffany, Veronica, Yen Nhi, Jennifer. I had never, and have never, been myself more than when I was with them. I liked school because they were there. They liked me, and I didn't even have the idea that I should change myself to be liked by others. I was me, they were them, and we clicked. Life was fun. They weren't even BCs, and I had never had closer friends.

Then, with this town at fault, my dad pulled me out of public school. The middle school wasn't such a good place, he and others said. So I stayed home, sending letters to my friends for a couple years until they stopped replying or I lost contact. I've never seen Veronica since 5th grade. I saw Jennifer and Tiffany once each I think, to drop off Christmas presents? But then Tiffany never replied to my letters and I was afraid she moved or had new friends and didn't want to be mine anymore. Jennifer emails me still! :D But I haven't seen her, and she's going to UC Davis in the fall. I email Yen Nhi too, but... she's changed so much. I can't say I haven't either, but... things are just not the same. And they can never be again.

All the time at church, people were trying to make me talk more, be myself more, not be afraid to show who I am. It stuck in my head that being quiet was wrong, it wasn't right. Sure, at home I was louder, and not afraid to just blurt out what was on my mind, and scream or laugh or cry when I just felt like it. It's because they're family, blood related, I guess. They know everything about me already, there's nothing to hide.

But I guess... homeschooling meant being alone. With the computer. I could find out anything about anything if I wanted to. And music came into my life. It started with Radio Disney and A teens, Aaron Carter, 9 Days. Cute pop songs~ then my neighbor introduced me, I think, to Evanescence and Linkin Park and those American artists. I was hooked. Music tickled my ears. It made me feel good. So I had my CD player with me all the time.

While home schooling, I think the only thing I remember is the non-studying part. When everyone else came home from school, we played outside. Tag, basketball, baseball, soccer, volleyball, matanage, frisbee, anything. We just played and played. We had a playground back then too, and I was fit and could run faster than EVERYBODY at home.

One day... I looked at myself, and thought I was fat. I have no idea what I compared myself to. But, I just thought so *shrug* So began the years of dieting that still continue to today...

Why am I writing an autobiography?

Blurting feels good I guess. Oh, Horton Hears a Who was a really really good movie! So funny, but nothing bad :)

So yeah, miso soup and cabbage diet, tofu diet, only oatmeal, rice and fruit diet. Then, the binging interval where I eat all the calories I missed in a short period of time. Fluctuating 40 pounds a year. During service for peace... omo... I remember that time well too. One week of hardly eating, hardly sleeping, and working outside all day made me lose 10 pounds and have spiritual experiences where I heard voices and saw some kind of people... but even THEN, at my lowest weight since... who knows when, I wasn't actually skinny. Just normal. Why couldn't I just be okay with normal? I gained all the weight back like in two days.

Then I just stopped eating anything at all and "ate" a frozen cup of juice for meals. For a month? Went from my heaviest weight to my average weight. I always stay around this average weight in between the extremes. I get stuck there when I try to lose weight. I'm glad to say I'm 12.5 pounds under that weight right now, but it's not much to be proud of when I need to lose at least 40 more pounds to be happy.

Gosh it's past 12:30 in the morning now. I have to wake up early to eat my little breakfast in peace!!! Then exercise and walk to Target and practice piano and try to be happy!

I kinda miss Cheongpyeong right now. Because California weather has been STUPID. DON'T PREDICT 92 DEGREE WEATHER WHEN ALL WE ACTUALLY GET IS GRAY CLOUDS AND A COLD WIND ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS "SUMMER WEATHER." We're in California. It's the middle of June. I want some heat please. Can I sweat, please?

Misa said Japanese people like pale skin. If you're pale faced, it makes up for all your ugliness, they said. Why am I trying to tan? I'll tan this summer, and by the time I go to Japan I'll make sure I'm pale enough.

If I could, I'd eat cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal. Well, maybe two meals. Because dinner is so good. But yeah, the past two months all I can think is the word "deprivation." I'm waiting for the day when I'm at a steady super low weight and I can eat an occasional ice cream cone or sweet.

Can I run in the rain with my husband? Eat ice creams together in the humid summer? Listen to 당신이기에 after dark in the car on a long roadtrip, the stars shining above us, holding hands?

I'm afraid that if I'm never able to be satisfied with myself, and like myself, then I can never love another person either and in turn, that person can't love me too.

I know the 2.5 weeks in San Bernadino in camp next month are going to be so hard, and at least a couple breakdowns of tears (i hope not in public. I'm always the one who does that. Past OHCs, Guatemala, Cheongpyeong, winter workshop... ><;). I just know it. Some for painful things, and others for happiness, I think. By the end, I'll be bawling from having to be separated from my LA friends again. I'll cry because I have to go back home to the stupidest ugliest town ever, to my stupid boring one-goal-which-is-to-be-beautiful-and-not-do-anything-but-try-to-lose-weight-life, after two and a half weeks of actually living life. Even though it's a sheltered 2.5 weeks with only BCs and church members, I know it's going to open me up more than anything has in the past six months since Winter Workshop. My conscience tells me I need a wakeup call. But I don't want one. I don't want to be distracted from my goal, because right now, all I do is try to lose weight and do my hair and look prettier, little by little. I think, I believe I can be happy once I'm skinny. What, when I finally see a certain number on the scale, I'll be struck with infinite happiness and never be sad again? Nothing's gonna change if I lose a little body mass, what am I thinking? But... it's hopeless. It's drilled into my head. Life will be better if I'm skinny. It just will. But being someone who's not supposed to care about superficial things or physical looks, I can't even.. I can't even...

sigh.

I'm really bad.

Yessss this entry is so long no one will read it! Success *kapow* XD

I love reading Sammy Keyes!! Sammy x Casey~~ I'm still on Art of Deception, rereading and am on Moustache Mary right now, it's so good, though I've read it before!!!!!!!! I don't want to grow up. I want to read these kinds of books forever. I don't want to have responsibilities. I don't want stress, worry...

Otonani naritakunakute... kodomo no mama de iindatte...
~Kimaguren

Phew... I've lost all my steam. And it's 1am. What time is it in Japan?

I want to be a special person to someone. I want to not be afraid to give my whole heart to someone. I don't want to be afraid to open my solid, locked armor, and risk getting truly hurt. I want to care for someone. I want to be an important person in someone's life. 大事な人。

I want to feel. I want to live.