Help.

My throat burns.
I don't want to relapse.
Somebody, anybody... save me from myself.

너무 너무

その人が誰でも、　その人の大好きな曲を知ったら自分が弾かなくてはならないと思ってしまうんです。　その人が二度と見ないと分かってるのに。　ただ　もしかして、　もしかしてのために。　

知った瞬間から待てなくて、　出来るだけ早く練習し始まって、　完璧まで続きました。　昨夜に初耳で今朝頑張って練習を完了したと思いました。　

うまく心込めて弾けたのかしら。　溢れ出してくる気持ち、　痛み、　恐れ、　信じてはいけない希望。　

するべきではありません。

どうして、　どうして　この曲が一番好きか本当に本当に分かりたいんです、　どうしても。　イルマさんのとても心苦しめる曲、　涙を溢れ出させる辛い辛い歌。　どうしてですか。

When the Love Falls.

The most wonderful way to spend thanksgiving break

"Thank you!"
"You're welcome."

"Split!"

Life is coming to a balance

Thank you Heavenly Father for this new-found peace :)
Every single day I'm afraid it will be taken away from me again, but I try to be brave. I try to push the doubts away, and take strength from all my blessings and the love from my friends, family and community. And the past few weeks have been a dream. Who am I to be so lucky? I've been touched by Your true love and I can hardly contain myself.

One part of life still hurts, and I can't expect it to get better, ever... I think... I'm just setting myself up for the most painful, bone crushing disappointing heartbreak I will ever experience, but I can't help it. I want to let go but at the same time, I'd rather die than do so.

----

I have the most amazing friends at school! I love them, I love them! Along with my fellow BCs in CARP, I have Japanese and Korean friends that have accepted me and I am so happy with them I can't even express it. I have older brothers and sisters who notice when I'm down and cheer me up. And through these friendships, I'm learning to let loose my hold on my family and being afraid to step outside the house. I feel like I'm really growing up and gaining more confidence, something I've lacked all my life.

Tried playing sports for the first time in years since I got sick, and omg I could RUN run. Run full out. It felt so, good, playing frisbee with my friends at school, even though it was cold we were warm with happiness. Frisbee! He loves playing frisbee.

And even at home, things are not as bad as before! I'm on good terms with everyone, and played music with my sister and father last night again. I'm practicing a new song on piano for someone, and practicing lots of guitar and violin too! I have to practice violin more. More. Open mic night was... really like a dream--unbelievable. I've always, always wanted to hear that song again, live. And then, it happened.

That shouldn't be what I think about most, it should not it should not it's just getting worse with time. But BOF's "Because I'm Stupid" lyrics are very relevant all of a sudden. Or not so suddenly.

너의 뒷모습을 보는것도 난 행복이야
아직 나의 마음을 몰라도
끝내 스치듯이 가도

Singing!

In music theory, at college, we have to take singing exams! That was definitely unexpected. But I just had my second one this morning, singing the minor natural scale: do re me fa so la ti do ~ do te le so fa me re do. I had never heard of it! Last time was the major scale, intervals and thirds, and I got 97% for going flat on two notes... and this morning, I got 98% for messing up me for mi on the way down, but I was happy. That is the only really scary thing in college... singing exams. Other than AWKWARD scary, at dance class. Tonight's class will determine if I will continue or drop it. Last week I had to dance with a guy who smelled like beer. There is another boy who is way too touchy I want to scream and run away and scrub myself with acid.

I took ballroom in the first place to learn how to dance so I could dance with my future husband... now I'm beginning to wonder if that was a good idea. Wouldn't it be more wonderful to learn ballroom WITH your husband, together? That's what I should have thought in the beginning...

Lucifer is taking so long to learn! But I will have it up by this weekend, I have to! ><; Though tomorrow is completely full, volunteering and playing piano at church... Sunday is church and ah playing piano twice for two services actually... but Monday is no school... unless work pops up... well! I should not be dilly dallying online like this!

Untitled

It's going to hurt so much.

Hello September, and friends that never let me down~

I owe everyone an update. The littlest one, at the very least :) I'll think of the biggest, main points, and TRY not to be too depressing... life hasn't only been stumbles recently ^^

- in mid August I began school, once again. College. Let's see if I don't drop out after the first semester like last year? So far it's been SO FUN. Music, Japanese 1A (I'm more like a tutor... xp), Chinese 1A (sooooo fun repeating after the teacher!) and ballroom dancing (sooooooo fun)! I've gotten so confident at introducing myself first, and making new friends! I'm so unexpectedly happy and feel welcome at school!
- being called "so skinny it's disgusting"
- being hit on for FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE by a SCARY GUY before Chinese class (an evening class). I'm still traumatized. It was so, scary.
- confession... along with anorexia, came along bulimia, came along BED (binge eating disorder) and it's all mixed up in a horrible, torturing mess in my life right now, making me hate myself... I hate myself, I like myself, I love myself, I despise myself, I like myself... it's insanely exhausting and I've come to know what "hell" is, truly.
- the pastor of my church unofficially named the Sunday band after me! OMG! It's so embarrassing, flattering, and just makes me smile huge X3 Every week, he stands up and says "give it up for the Jenny Hughes band!" gaahhh... XD
- work! I started work at a machine company last MONDAY with my brother, and we get called in for random jobs. Today and tomorrow we have to "deburr" these tiny... metal... thingies. They don't exactly tell us what we're doing, we just do it. My dad works for them sometimes too, so they're all friends ^^
- summer camp was a life-changer. that's tooooo long of a story.
- I try and try to play "youtube" piano. I nearly perfect "kanashimi no yukue," "I never told you" and "bonamana" and ended up playing just "no other" the past... several months! Gah! But now that school and work have gotten into rhythm, I will definitely try to put in a good chunk of time to reply to youtube messages, play more youtube songs, and rightfully appreciate youtube friends :)

I will try!
Next... should I play "Bonamana"? "Intoxication"? Hm... and should I show my face?

I'm so happy my friends and fans are still there... they jumped up right away to let me know they're there on my "no other" video... thank you you guys...

Ups & Downs

Everyone's comments touched my core... how you guys care about me, it made me cry. I still can't believe I have so many supporters and friends all around the world, actually concerned about me, some girl they've never met.

I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.

But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.

Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.

My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3

Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.

And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3

But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.

I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.

My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?

I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...

Owl City - Meteor Shower

What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...

But... I WILL.

How Hard It Is

My period won't come back unless I gain weight...?
How much weight?
I can't gain weight. I don't WANT to. Part of me doesn't ever want to heal from anorexia. I love being skinny too much. But I hate not being able to run, barely walk...

And... my life's purpose is to have a family...

Without a period, I can't.
I need it back.
But I can't gain, no!!! NO! I swore I'd never be fat again.
How much weight? Until a normal BMI? But I love my underweight BMI...
I lost weight and unintentionally became anorexic all to become skinny and "beautiful." I'm not beautiful in any way right now.

My hair won't stop falling out. Walking takes all my will-power, but I want to RUN so bad. Run, like last summer. I can't play the sports that I want to play. I can't go on the roadtrips and travels I want to go on so bad. I hate feeling heavy, fat after eating "too much" (to me). I can't eat more. But part of me wants to give in, eat like crazy. That's my old binge-eating side. I hate that side. That's why I'm not going to lose to it. Gaining weight means losing, losing control. I hate that hopeless feeling of having no control over my body weight, when becoming skinny was my whole world, the past few years. Finally, finally skinny, and UTTERLY MISERABLE. Freezing cold all day every day. Miserable. Can't sleep. Have no energy. Losing hair, yeah. My mom sadly touched my hair the other day and, shocked, said that I surely had more hair than this before. Yeah...

I can't play piano as well as I did before either. I can feel it. My hands are too cold, and they can't move fast anymore. That's why I make kind of ballad versions of every piano song now, or force myself to bang out harder songs. It tires me out. But no matter what I do all day (I walk, trying to gain muscle in my legs and also garden, rake, pull weeds outside etc) even if I'm exhausted, I can't sleep.

My mind doesn't leave me alone. As dead-tired my whole being feels, the thoughts swirling in my head, as if from another person, won't let me sleep. Plans of what I'm going to eat and NOT going to eat the next day. Counting and re-counting the calories and every possibility, and what's okay to add or what I have to subtract or substitute in my daily diet. I do it all day long too, recounting calories. It terrifies me when I don't have a plan. I can't NOT have a plan. I have to know how many calories I eat every day. I plan every single bite. Make sure the fruits are in the fridge.

My eye sight is getting worse, I can feel it. I can't even squint to lessen the blurriness anymore. Driving tires me out- the steering wheel is so heavy. I'm scared all the time, of every little thing. Becoming skinny was supposed to make me burst with self-confidence, and become an outgoing, bright girl.

Now I'm a college drop-out, crying every day with no sense of purpose, overcome by depression, anorexia, self-hatred... not being useful to anyone hurts so much. I try so hard every day to do something useful to my family... but I feel so worthless. I want to volunteer, go to third world countries or even just around here and help out with everything, anything, but I have no energy and I HATE, HATE it, not having energy. My legs are permanently numb and can't jump or run...

Masochist?

I hate being anorexic, I love being anorexic. If I didn't like seeing my bony face, toneless bony thin legs, arms, and not having any love handles or butt so much, I could maybe recover. If I didn't love seeing that number on the scale every single morning, maybe I could.

5 foot 3.5 inches (162cm)
86 pounds (39kg)

If it hadn't been so rewarding after so much suffering, hunger, pain and time, it'd be easier to recover. Who could love a period-less, bony, baggy-eyed, pale-lipped, buttless, chestless, brittle-haired, self-hating, depressed, unconfident, silent (oh yeah, I stopped talking a few weeks ago. I just keep every single thought inside of me. Only my little journal knows. Not even God knows.) home-bound 19 year old girl like me.

Whenever my mom is out of the house, for example, on her 30 minute fast-walk, or at the store or a meeting, I feel so anxious. I need her to come home. Just to be near me. Then I feel... better. But nothing ever completely heals my insane, uncontrollable feeling of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, dread, despair and lonesomeness.

Who--what--am I, and how do I... learn to live again?

Amineko!

Meet Yuu-chan, my first ever crocheted creation aka amigurumi! :D

I know I did something wrong... like the crochet needle size or the yarn type or something. I ran out of pink yarn which is why it has blue limbs ><; But I tried my best, and I can't believe I actually made something that resembled, even remotely, the original amineko! ^^ Next I want to make something smaller, cuter... I want to crochet my mom's birthday present, and Valentine's day presents <3

初めて作られて嬉しい。。。　ちょっと間違った気がするけどあみ猫が出来て嬉しい!

2010.1.13

How life has changed.