Yesterday.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Starting the day right

the only thing I remember from 5am hoon dok he:
"Love has the power to create anything."

I believe! <3

So far, met with my home school teacher, handed in another month's schoolwork. Had music theory lesson with Hannah, learning Bye Bye Blackbird. I love the sound of these chords! :D Scrubbed mildew off bathroom ceiling while listening to Narnia soundtrack. Figured out the chords to Drake Bell's "I Found A Way" from the Kid's Choice CD from the library lol.

I want to eat lunch, watch Chicken Run, buy chapstick for my sister, practice piano, read, UGH just remembered, choir practice tonight. It makes me feel so worthless, going there actually. But I'm stuck. I have to, I can't quit, no way they won't let me because there's no one else lol... ><; I'll try to be happy about it. At least I get to play a nice acoustic piano. Though they've got like 3 broken keys... =\

Mie!! I wanna be her friend!
1) we'll both go to the same college next year
2) we both play piano a lot
3) we both love arashi
4) we both watch j-dramas
5) same japanese class
6) same tribe
7) both asian (she's whole, i'm half)
8) both BCs that should be enough lol... to me...

Why aren't we better friends right now? =\

The future.. GAH! it's so full of chance, opportunity, the unknown...!! :D

Not good.

I. Hate. applyists.net.
What's their problem.
No matter what I do I can't fix their problem.
My school is not on their list. So I click "NOT ON LIST."
"Add school information."
Blah blah blah, I add all my information!!!!
SAVE AND CONTINUE.
IT DOES NOT SAVE AND CONTINUE.
"Contact us" with a question.
I fill out the whole form, tell them the problem, then submit.
IT DOES NOT SUBMIT.
I WANT TO SCREAM AND SMASH THE COMPUTER. NO, I WANT TO HACK INTO THEIR SITE AND SCREW UP THEIR INFORMATION, CAUSING THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS TO LOSE THEIR OPPORTUNITY AT SCHOLARSHIPS. I WROTE THE WHOLE ESSAY, FILLED THE WHOLE FORM, ALREADY SUFFERING FROM GUILT THAT I'LL HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE TO WRITE A STUPID LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION, AND NOW IT DOESN'T EVEN SUBMIT. I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO COLLEGE!!! I'D BE HAPPY WITH COMMUNITY COLLEGE, I'M ONLY TRYING BECAUSE GOD TOLD ME TO BECOME A JAPANESE INTERPRETER SO I'M GOING TO A 4 YEAR COLLEGE SO I CAN STUDY ABROAD ASAP AND I DONT HAVE A JOB I NEED SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO PAY FOR ME, AND I CAN'T EVEN APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS BECAUSE OF A STUPID WEBSITE AND IF IT TURNS OUT THAT IT WAS JUST SOME TINY STUPID LITTLE PROBLEM, I REALLY AM GONNA SMASH THE COMPUTER JUST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HACK WEBSITES.

I hate stress. And money issues. And thoughts of college.
I'm only going trying to go to college because God told me. And because I personally wouldn't want my spouse to not be aiming for higher education and goals. But I'd be pretty, not completely, satisfied with just being a wife and mom. Why waste 16,000$ on an education I won't use, if I just become that: a wife and mom. I don't want to be an old mom. But I don't want to be an old interpreter. So what am I supposed to do?

Go outside, lie on the roof and listen to music all afternoon.

Rain, Rain, Rain

Starting the day with 5am prayer + hoon dok hae at church with other members is so, good <3 I was tired, but I felt like I accomplished so much! I finished my scholarship essay right now, just have to ask my family to proof read :D Then I'm gonna do my fafsa, watch American Idol, play piano, read, and go to sleep ^^ I didn't study today, but I think praying for over an hour is better than that haha XD

But...
It was so windy and stormy today, that this morning, there was a BANG!! outside. My mom went to see, and it was a robin. Dead. It flew straight into our window and snapped its neck. I dug a hole and buried it with a prayer, and Aqua Timez "Yasashii Kioku."

I cleaned out the mercedes (name: Nodame). Went to the library. Got Brother Bear and Chicken Run XD I WANNA WATCH THE LAND BEFORE TIME 1!!!!!!!!! ;_____;

It rains. Then it stops. It rains. Then the sun comes out with a rainbow. Then it rains. Then the temperature is 70. Then it rains. GAH I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!! I have lists of summer. What I'm going to do. My summer playlist. How to prepare for summer. Songs to learn the dance to during summer. Songs to play on piano. GAH!!! XD

I think my relationship with my dad is getting better...!!!!!!! :D

My mom took me to Mimi's restaurant yesterday for lunch, to have "quality time." She asked me questions about me, to learn about me, to... match me. Prepare for the matching, anyway =) Like, any preference... like nationality. No. Two things, only.

He has to be taller =p
And he has to... match me in committment. Believe that our Blessing will never break.

That's still my worst fear... ever...
a broken blessing...

I'm working on the vertical, the internal, so hard now.

I LOVE YOU GOD!! <3
Thank you for today.

Matching Convocation

Today it begins O_o;
My parents are going for info only, not to match me, but still I had to take a picture and everything. I'm not scared or nervous, they SAID they're going for info, but I'm still... embarrassed. About me ;_; I wanna be so much better for my husband.

Aqua Timez is new to me, but even though the main singer (who's name I do not even know) doesn't have like a nice, beautiful voice (i.e, JUNSU-OPPA <3) it's still his personal, unique voice and he sings on key and everything lol, so... in music it's okay if you're not the best, if you're yourself, people might like you! And Aqua Timez has tons of fans :D ANYWAY, I like their "Niji" song and "Yasashii Kioku" <3

I watched Mary Poppins at 5:30am yesterday lol... (after An Shi Il) it's so good! I love Step in Time best XD It makes me wanna do that too, run across rooftops and dance with all my friends.

My mom and I are going to help prepare the matching convocation packets after lunch, at church! =)

One of my most favorite places to be is church. It just feels really safe... the atmosphere is never wrong. And the people there are the best <3

I can't wait until summer gaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!! It's so cold right now!!! I wanna feel the sun, play sports outside, beat the heat with friends under the umbrella + table, playing card games, strumming guitar. I wanna go to OHC!! I wanna staff for middle school!!! I wanna blast music, driving down a deserted desert road on a roadtrip!! (I dunno if we're doing that, lol) I wanna... dance? XD

I was so sure no one read this!! This boring blog of mine! This embarrassingly confession filled thing! O_O And Melissa and Hye Sung, you guys comment lollllllllll *embarrassed*

I wanna write stuff more important, useful to others and offer something... but so far I'm just spouting off feelings and stuff. I have nothing to offer anyway... just chords. But I write those at my other blog.

Advertisement lol!
For K-pop and J-pop tabs and chords for piano and guitar, go to:
http://ongaku4u.blogspot.com

Latest: Eat You Up, Tegami, Hahaha, Beautiful Life <3
Coming up: I dunno =\

I can't wait until summer.

I don't know what to make of this weather. One day it's sunny and warm. The next day it's raining super hard. What's up with that? Sigh oh well. I can't wait until summer!!!! I'm gonna make this summer so good, so crazy good XD

When I get 4 1/2 stars on my youtube video... I wanna cry ;_;
I need 5 stars... my tutorials always get 4 1/2 stars... What should I do to make them better, you guys? I Can do anything but talk... I'm sorry, really sorry I don't know how to make sheet music! By hand, would be impossible because I just can't do that. I can't read music very well, only if I KNOW the song. And my computer is so, so, stupid I wanna kick it, stomp on it, throw it from the roof, jump on it, burn it, electrocute it, spray it with acid, then freeze it in concrete. Yeah. It's a Windows 2000. You know how long it takes to get one internet page up? And to open "My Documents" even!? I HATE IT. When I used to play BZFlag, my username was "I hate my computer!!"

I just ripped off a bit of ivy from my backyard fence yeah. I screamed a few times, when I found juicy spiders crawling on my arm, or on the vine I was pulling. My face and arms feel itchy now. I have a splinter. I'm typing with filthy fingernails and dirty hands. But OMG, I'm happy. I love doing yard work. I didn't even listen to my ipod, because all morning I listened to Bryan Adams singing songs from Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron and it was stuck in my head very nicely =)

This morning, I scrubbed the mildew off my sister's bedroom walls and ceiling, thoroughly swept the dog hair ridden floor, cleaned under the bed, made their beds, cleaned their windows, then swept again, while listening to Spirit OST <3 Gah I love cleaning! Especially with music.

Hannah, my music teacher came today! First time in a long time. I learned more about uh... what was it called? Voice leading? I Forgot ><; But I remember how to do it. With "Bye Bye Blackbird," she taught me how to play chords with the 3 5 7 and 9. I always just play arpeggio style left hand, so I get the 1 and 3 haha ><; Very bad. The chords she teaches me are so pretty. Chords like FM, Abdim? Gm7 C7 Am7-5, Eb7 yeah. It's hard but worth it lol! I need a good k-pop or j-pop song to fill with complex chords, and make more people on youtube happy.

I don't think I can ever repeat what happened with my piano version of DBSK's KimiSuki. That was crazy! 148,000+!!! ZOMG! Was it because it was leaked 2 months early, and people wanted to hear anything to do with it? Was it because they loved the song so much, they wanted to learn it on piano? I played it too fast, and I didn't even play the whole song!!! I dunno, but I am not good enough to play a song to get anywhere near 100,000 views again. But really, I do not deserve my subscribers. In my wildest dreams, when I started playing for youtube in 2006 I didn't even know what subscribers were. Having 3,500+? zomg. I'm... so lucky...

I only play songs I want to play. Usually. Sometimes an exception, like when someone begs and makes me feel bad ><; But other than that, I write down the requests but not really look at them because I want to play the songs I love. And I wonder why I don't get a lot of views haha. Do I play songs that no one wants to hear? Sigh. After Beautiful Life and a few of In Jin Nim's songs (which NO ONE practically on youtube knows) I don't have anything to play. But gah DBSK has a new album out soon? OMG I'm not ready. I'm still hooked on Mirotic. I heard Super Junior was supposed to have an album this year too. I haven't listened to them in so long! DBSK has been overwhelming.

Gonna go drop off dinner to a friend's house now, their mom's in Japan ^^ And then shower woot. I hate my hair. Maybe... Japanese hair straightening? But I SOMETIMES like the curliness... but usually absolutely hate it. Tonight I wanna watch Spirit lol. Maybe start this one shot fanfic that's been in my head for a couple days. Junsu-oppa of course. I need to practice Beautiful Life a LOT too...

Matching Convocation tomorrow omg. My parents still need my picture. But I hate picures. So bad. For now anyway. Until I can get a control on my face and body ;_____; I wanna like pictures. By One Heart Camp I swear, I'm gonna have a little more confidence and pride in myself, inside and out.

Full out ramble of emotions

I feel so weird these days. I've been cleaning like crazy. I shoveled all the grass off the brick patch one day. The next I scrubbed the kitchen ceiling (whole thing) standing on chairs and getting nasty cleaner water in my face. The next day I got soap scum remover and cleaned both showers and tub. The next I helped my dad move all his fanuc manuals. I'm going crazy wanting to serve, but I feel so unsatisfied.

I watched High School Musical 2 with my littlest sister, and we both loved it haha. The music, especially the last song, is so bouncy and it made me happy, especially because I'm obsessed with daydreaming about this summer lately. I'm so excited for warm weather, being outside, and blasting summer music through open car windows.

But then yesterday, I felt so out of place at church. Everyone was normal with me, even more friendly maybe than usual and I got waves, hellos, good mornings from all my (extended, I think of everyone as ^^) family and friends, yet I felt so... afraid. Nervous. Like I kinda wanted to run and hide.

What's wrong with me?

And then today, I busted out more Japanese homework than I thought I could do, then spent the whole entire afternoon on the computer (after playing tetris on my ipod). Downloading music, watching youtube, replying comments (omg there is this one dude that's just trying to curse me to death or something), finishing up "Beautiful Life" and "Hahaha" chords for Ongaku4u.

I should be applying for scholarships, but I've given up. I really do not believe I can win any, anyway, so why try and be crushed, disappointed? I don't even know if I'm in CSUEB yet. And I should be finishing the FAFSA, but I need my dad's tax info stuff. I want to play piano and upload piano playing that I've recorded wholeheartedly, emotionally, and of songs people want to hear, but I just go around banging a couple songs once in a while. Also I should be practicing piano for the choir I play for, but I'm so not liking that song. Ose Shalom. It's okay, but it's just something in me right now...

*gasp*

Am I... depressed?

Or is it just a mood swing? I hope it is. I was so happy the other weekend, at Il Shim, with my beautiful girl group and awesome friend co-leader.

But this lack of confidence in myself is finally getting the better of me. I'm so afraid of everything. Right now, these are the fears and regrets and troubles on my mind. Wow, it feels good just to type this all out. It takes too long to hand write in my journal. Oh well. No one reads this anyway~

I think I...
- played horribly bad at Il Shim. Piano and guitar. My brother said he was asked to play guitar at the next Il Shim workshop. Does that mean I played so bad no one ever wants to hear me play again? I played too fast, too off-beat, too stuck up, too self absorbed on piano didn't I? And guitar omg guitar... at the last minute, the last songs, it sounded awful didn't it? Even with little Kenshu complimenting me... I don't believe anyone... when they thank me or compliment me... in my mind, I am--or somebody is--telling me "you played horrible, remember in the second chorus, you screwed up major!! You think you're good enough to play piano for workshops? YOU SUCK!!!"

- played horribly for Sunday service on Feb. 1. At practice, Chris noticed I was falling behind and not understanding the chords, so he stopped everyone and personally tried to help me play the right chords. but even then, I majorly screwed up during the live accompaniment, and I think I made HIM mess up by playing the wrong chords for "by and by." I thought I liked that song. I thought I knew how to play that song. What happened to the normal 1, 4, 1, maj2, 5... chord progression? Why can't my brain handle 6, 7, and min2? stupid, stupid. Not only did I crash myself, I had to take down somebody with me. And Mr. Art... we practiced the intros of every song but noooo I had to freeze up and mess up every intro but the last song!! When I was supposed to support the band and start the songs, I had to mess up!!! By and by, Song of Victory? Guh As the Deer... I messed up on all those songs!!!! Just Shining Fatherland I didn't mess up because we started the intro TOGETHER!!! And then in the outro, I messed up Mr. Steinbronn because of my stupid left hand!!! STUPID STUPID LEFT HAND!!! What's wrong with my stupid left hand? Banging out the bass all the time, playing unnecessary notes and leaving out the thirds and sevenths and not knowing how to play AT ALL!!!! I wanna shoot it sometimes. I think I can get better but no I'm afraid to try because I think I'll fail. Failure. Not being good enough. My biggest fears. Other than my Matching/Blessing breaking. I'm so afraid.

- I have to call my Il Shim trinity to check up on them. I'm terrified of using the phone. I dunno when it started. A few years, several years ago? I stopped answering the phone because I was tired of having to repeat myself when others couldn't hear or understand what I said because of mispronunciation, sloppy slang or bad connection or whatever. But mostly because I was afraid of ME not understanding the other person and having to ask them to repeat themselves. How can I say that politely? "What?" "Could you repeat that?" "I couldn't hear you." "PARDON?" I can't imagine my family's reaction to hearing me say pardon. So there came my fear of using the phone. I only use it when I absolutely have to take it. I don't mind Shannon-onni calling me, or any of my tribe leaders. But everyone else... I'm terrified. I even rejected a call from Rev. Cotter once, but that was a different circumstance and a different reason, and a different story. But yes, I have exactly TWO middle school sisters to call to check up on their Il Shim requirements, and I'm staring at the phone in my lap, wanting to throw it away and run out into the rain and hide. Wth is there to be afraid about? They're my sisters. I love them, I should be taking care of them. This fear is stupid. It'll be over in 10 minutes, tops. So I called. I called Claire, she lives right across the fence. Her sister comes over everyday. It would be the easiest call. I even talked to her on Sunday. And then... it turned out to be fine. I love Claire. I wish I could help her. She doesn't like school. School isn't doing anything for her, the way she talked about it when she and Sonomi thought I was asleep late that night at Il Shim. School seems like a horrible place then. But there's nothing I can do for her!!! What can I do for her!!?? I'm useless. What is the point of being older, supposedly her "leader" but I can't do anything for her? I dunno. And then I called Junmi, after staring at the phone for a while. Gathering courage I suppose. But numbly I just dialed and forced myself to call, and it rang. Over 10 times. And then there was this beeping sound. What does that mean? No answering machine came on. I hate to think what would happen if I dialed the wrong number. Dialing the right number is terrifying enough. What would I do? Now I still have to call her. I emailed her this afternoon though. But I promised God, the day after Il Shim. I told Him my goals. And one of them was to call my trinity at least once. BWAHA such easy goals right. Almost like "call my friends once." People do that ten times a day, don't they? I don't... I check my email once every two weeks, procrastinate about college apps, skip schoolwork just because I CAN, homeschooling, and then use my time for nothing. Scrubbing kitchen ceilings and banging on piano while always, always listening to music yeah. Sometimes driving my mom places yeah. But I have this problem, it's called Constant Road Rage. I don't think there's been a time I drove without getting angry at a driver, or a street sign, or definitely a stop light or omg, my car. My dad's car anyway. It doesn't accelerate nearly as fast as I want it to. I have to stomp and floor it but it still just makes a humongous racket but goes nowhere slowly. I dunno what's wrong with it. If I ever got a car, I don't care what it looks like as long as it accelerates faster than a broken scooter!!!!! Actually I do care what it looks like. But oh well. I don't wanna use my money on a car. I'm already in debt to my dad enough from trips to Gautemala and Korea. I'm supposed to pay him back, but I thought I worked it off already, plastering and painting the music room and everything... oh well. I'm still working it off I guess. How many more hundreds of dollars to go? But I wouldn't take back quitting my job for anything.

I don't even know where I was. But that doesn't matter. This post is for venting my feelings. Hand writing in my journal is not satisfying enough. I really have to condense it there, it takes too long. My hand writing is fugly too. Hah but that's nothing compared to my face.

I'm trying to strengthen my relationship with my dad. I heard, so many times, that father-daughter relationship reflects husband-wife relationship. I mean, me and my dad, me and my husband. If that's the case, I'm right to be scared because that would mean I would only talk to my husband when I wanted something. That's how my dad describes me. That I don't talk to him unless I want something for myself. And I realized it's true. All I do is get annoyed, frustrated and angry at my dad. For like, being slow, or mispronunciating things, making mean jokes (those are so, so bad though. i can't stand them) and just almost everything!!!!!!!! GAH! Inside I know I love him, and appreciate him, and at workshops and camps and korea I miss him a lot and know exactly how much he has sacrificied for me and my siblings, but at home, all I can see is his bad points, and I hate myself for that. What the hecks wrong with me? That's why I've been cleaning so much. My way of strengthening our relationship ha. Not really, right? I still don't talk to him. GAH he keeps calling the fafsa the "falfsa" and I get so angry. I don't want to be like this with my husband! When I imagine it, and think about it, I think I would do anything for my husband, seeing as one of my greatest fears is our Blessing breaking. Randomly, completely at random times during the day (usually at workshops) I feel like wanting to give my husband a massage. Making him breakfast. If he sings, I want to play any and every song on piano and guitar but if I sound horrible or if he doesn't want me to I won't and I'll just go cry and bang on my keyboard with my headphones privately in my room. But... even though my biggest fear is my Blessing breaking BECAUSE OF MY FLAW or something... also my greatest belief is that our Blessing won't break. Why does that sound so... contradicting? I mean... I know inside I can and will accept anyone my parents choose for me. Anyone. Except... omo... I think I'm racist. But I know how my parents think, I think. But... okay. Looks do not matter. Nationality, does not matter. Language barriers don't matter. I don't think they'd match me with anyone other than East Asian, white, or... local... or I mean, ugh! Knowing my dad, he'll make sure it's someone who speaks the same language as me. Knowing my mom, it might be someone who speaks Japanese, Korean, Chinese, and/or English just because... I want someone like that because I am learning those languages as the most important aspect of my life right now!! *breathes hard* I'm confusing myself but I know it's all true since I'm spouting it like crazy and my fingers are just typing and typing and typing. I was supposed to watch a movie from the library with my sister tonight. Holes? Mary Poppins? I want to watch movies with my husband too. Comedies. Romances? Comedies definitely. And tear-jerkers, if he doesn't mind. But if he likes horrors, adventures, or whatever, I'll watch that of course.

I dunno... what I'm mostly thinking about (other than regreting the thousands of mistakes I've made in my life, and painfully reliving those moments because I can't help it) is the matching and blessing. So many BCs got blessed recently. I saw pictures of my friends from Cheongpyeong, so many of them! BLESSED!!! Sharon looked so beautiful. I keep praying for all these Blessings to be true and unbreakable. But that's all I can do. Pray, for others. What about my Blessing? There's more I can do than pray. I can strengthen relationships, do "wife training" i keep calling it lol, like dishes, laundry, cooking, shopping, learning how to dress omg I can really stem out from any of these words and go on forever. See the media and music and entertainment of Asia has really gotten to my head. It's enough seeing it all over tv, internet, billboards and blah blah of American media, celebrities, but I go and get obsessed and "in love" with Korean and Japanese idols too, and that's where lots of my lack of confidence for my outer looks and physical stuff come from. Other than it being totally true that I look horrible, dress wrong, have stupid hair, unusable face and completely overweight body. I want to change it all so bad. Not in a plastic surgery way, no way! But I USED to do the whole kinda anorexic/bulimic thing. But those things thankfully changed. Thanks Cheongpyeong. I suffered for nothing. After all of that, I'm still fat. Fat and ugly. Now I'm trying to do it the right way, diet and exercise (this started after Cheongpyeong, but of course EPIC FAILURE and now, after Il Shim, trying again) but it's such a slow way compared to just stop eating like I used to. That way, you drop like 5 pounds the first day, then a pound every day after that! One month, and I was okay! But eat one thing and you gain ten pounds, then two pounds every day after that. That's the problem. Yeah. And also Mr. Macfarlane really told me about that and cared about what happened to me during that fasting incident two summers ago... that's one of my horrible regrets. Making myself a danger, a worry to the Macfarlanes. He said I could faint and go into shock from fasting, and we'd be miles from the next town (we were on a road trip) and... it would be ALL M FAULT. Causing them trouble. Stupid stupid STUPID!!!! OF all the weeks to fast, why did I have to do it then and ruin the awesome roadtrip with my best friends? Because I was afraid of them seeing me fat. every time they see me, it's like one time fat, one time not so fat, the next time fat. So three days before they came I stopped eating completely, hoping the crash "diet" would make me look better but HAH I ended up with all that weight back later, but I can't say I didn't like feeling light, even though I felt like keeling over every time I stood up.

What is there left to vent about? Ramble ramble ramble. It's almost 9pm now. I'll still watch a movie later. With Tablo, our portable DVD Player. It's a Samsung, and AnyBand is Samsung's advertisement band or whatever, and Tablo is in Samsung's AnyBand, so we named it Samsung! Our black Mercedes that doesn't accelerate fast has a name too. Nodame. She looks small, cute and black so I dunno. Noda Megumi of Nodame Cantabile is not black but she's cute and I just named the car I drive Nodame so there!! Our white huge sprinter van is named Chiaki-senpai, also from Nodame Cantabile. Our computer is Hiroki. But I'm sorry to say, we hate him very much. He's slow, slow, slow, and... STUPID. This computer, right here I'm using right now!! Every other day the internet doesn't work. It takes so long just to get mozilla up, youtube videos are always always pixelized and slow, laggy, you can't enjoy unless you download through zamzar which takes hours and then put it on my ipod. My ipod's name is iSarang. just cause. I like Korean. And Japanese. If Korean and Japanese are so important to me, why don't I study more? I should be studying it like my life depended on it, because THEY DO!!!! I'm trying to be an international interpreter, yet I can't even speak a second language!!! STUPID STUPID. And why am I even trying to be an interpreter and go to college when what's really important for me is to become a wife and a mom!?? Am I wasting money going to college? Even though it's a cheap local college? Will I ever be good enough to be an interpeter? Actually, yes I believe this. God told me to be an interpreter, so without a doubt in my mind, that's what I'm suppsed to be if I ever become anything, but it's so hard and what about my family? I don't want to be old when I'm a mom. I want to be young still. But I also want to be a young interpreter. That won't work. I always daydreamed about being DBSK's interpreter when coming to America, or even Japan because in my daydreams, I'm fluent in Korean and Japanese as well as English, and I could be friends with Yoochun-oppa haha. Or always I want to be their pianist too. Personal pianist if there's such a thing. Play live accompaniment for them. Or any band that I love. But hah I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I screw up the intros for church songs at Sunday service, and I think I can someday play for world famous bands who sing for thousands!? Thousands at Cheongpyeong doesn't count, I was on a spiritual high and had my bc sisters around me. I'd be all alone on stages with bands.

Rambling feels gooooooooooooood haha. I'd go on for a long time I think. But I wanna get away.

I hate my hair sooooooooooooooo much. I sometimes just wanna drive to a hair salon and get a Japanese hair straightening. So my stupid frizzy curls wouldn't show themselves for months!!!!! And also dye it black so I can make some progress in wanting to be Asian. I don't want to look Philippino, or Mexican, okay!? I have nothing against those nationalities, it's just that I'm NOT those!! I AM JAPANESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND I WANNA LOOK IT. Not those, not fully European I'm only HALF, I want to look Asian not white, not Mexican, I wanna burn my skin to a darker shade, straighten or have nice waves/curls by screaming at my hair, torture the excess body mass off me, scream my lungs out until I can sing, bang on the piano in octaves until I can play well, and just... just GAH!!! I just want to be the best I can be! In every sense!! Physical and spiritual, mental, emotional, internal... everything. The girl who God made me to be. I want to be the best for Him, the world, my family and friends. I want to FIT IN. BCs are all so beautiful, gorgeous, the guys are handsome of course, and then I look at myself and think... I don't fit in. My own sister is bone skinny, my brother is muscly and athletic, my other sister has gorgeous straight hair. To top off all my flaws and things that make me not fit in, I'm going to be the second shortest in my family, after my mom. I think it's because of my anorexic bit, a couple years ago. It stunted my growth. Stopped my growing before it was all done because... I didn't get enough nutrients or food or whatever to grow anymore. And then I was stuck. At this height. I didn't notice before. A few months ago? That I was so short. Because people think I'm 14. I love that. Looking younger. I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be responsible. I'm afraid to mess up. I can't handle responsibility. That's why I cried every day in Cheongpyeong. Because I didn't think I was doing a good job at handling responsibility. I'm such a wuss. A stupid fat ugly inconfident untalented self-absorbed selfish mood-swinging road-raging satanic wuss at that. How will I get matched? These are all my bad points right out there. Seeing that, it'll cover the good points that I DO NOT HAVE. Gah... I don't even have to worry about my Blessing not working, because I can't even get Matched... of course I know it's not like that. That every BC can get matched, either by parents or True Father (is he doint another one) because it's the internal you look at not the physical, but pheeeeeeeeeeewwwwww look at my internal. I can't think of any good points right now. Not while I'm venting out this stuff.

If all that's not enough, what about crushes. They used to practically control my life. I get crushes really really easily. And they last. A long time. Horribly enough, more than one at a time sometimes!!! I wanna just throw myself in front of a train for that. Getting crushes on BC brothers. Of course I've never been suicidal, never EVER!!!! But hating? All the time. Never haven't hated some part of me... Crushes used to take up all my mind's thinking capacity. Trying NOT to think about it, but thinking about it because I'm trying not to think about it! Recently, like... since last June, actually, the part of my mind taken by something to do with a crush is very small. Tiny yay! About 1% maybe. Awesome right? Well... Cheongpyeong was another thing... gah I hate the way my mind thinks sometimes. Like that feeling you think someone is looking at you, because they well are looking at you because they have a crush on you, but then you end up looking at them because you think they're looking at you and you end up having a crush on them!!?? that's how every crush of mine started. Except the one in 2nd grade. That was stupid. I'm glad I don't act on crushes. I'm not that stupid. But they still hurt in my mind. Hate it. Hate it bad!! I only want to love my husband. Well at Cheongpyeong that happened again, I mean... I was SO SURE, that someone was looking at me, but we were all terrified of Dae Mo Nim's words. Every time she spoke to us it was about brothers and sisters staying away from each other, not getting close, so that was GOOD. I needed to hear that, even though I know it in my heart mind and soul already. But omgoodness, the power of love is stronger than the principle right? So well as much as I focused on suffering through the 40 days, playing piano for chan yang, fulfilling my goals, finding God, missing my family, half sleeping through dp lectures, it was hard for me to ignore thinking and daydreaming (i always, always do harmless daydreaming. even this was harmless, because all i would think about are the times I THOUGHT he showed some sign of looking at me) because gah he was on chanyang too, and a leader at that! both leaders, gosh darns it all. and song team too, and these things that he did made it clear to me that he WAS looking at me, and as much as I wanted to ignore that, I couldn't help feeling happy. Because someone, actually some one person out there ( i mean, a guy) liked me for who I was, even though at Cheongpyeong I was sooooooo ugly with nasty hair and always stinky and sweating like crazy. I can still remember what he did to make me suspicious. I mean, he was so kind. Only once actually talked to me, thank goodness. I'm glad I have bad eye sight. I need glasses, and I HAVE them, but I look ugly enough without them so in a futile attempt to look less hideous, I do not wear them, sacrificing my ability to see people further than ten feet away from me. So, Cheongpyeong is big haha! I can't tell who people are without squinting, and that makes me look ugly too, so I try not to squint. But of course he wasn't far away all the time. Especially at song team times. Why did the keyboard have to be on the brother's side? He was right there, facing away from me, four feet away, singing his heart out with the song team. I love the song team. Being ont he song team. Even though I was never really a part of it, officially like by name. If Eliot-oppa calls for the song team, and I don't come up because I'm fast asleep on the floor, it's okay, it doesn't matter. He plays guitar or calls Kenmei, and I'm not needed. Of course not, I play really bad and I probably damaged the Korean keyboard with my banging. I've never, ever been an official part of a song team. Not in CP, not in last weekend's Il Shim, not at Sunday Service, never... I'll never be good enough, it's okay, I already know. I'm content with banging and recording my banging piano for youtube listeners who THINK I play okay, but actually I have no idea why they like to listen to me, I can't even stand listening to myself sometimes. But sometimes, sometimes I AM proud of playing a song I learned. One of these times was for SHINee's "Replay." I like my piano version of that actually. Even though most of it was inspired by another fan's piano version. I still liked it... was kinda proud of playing it... Anyway, everything else I play is horrible and with just the hopes of views and subscribers, so I'm really heartless and don't deserve my subscribers. I wish I could play better for them. Make them happy. SHare piano sheets that I dont have and can't make. Well, even though I say I'm never included, feeling like I don't fit in, I did before. Feel so loved. Many times actually. Only at workshops, camps, and even Cheongpyeong. Though at CP I felt very unwanted at times, like because I wasn't Korean. I dunno why I felt like that. Because I think Koreans and Japanese and Asians and Spanish and French and every nationality and person except me looks pretty? Maybe. But yeah, sometimes I felt very out of place because I'm not full Asian. I hate looking at mirrors. I don't think I looked at my reflection for the whole two weeks in Guatemala, lol. cheongpyeong, I hated seeing myself too. Sooooo... urg. Anyway. Back to way before. He did things I wished I didn't notice and didn't care about. But being so unconfident and stupid and grasping every little bit of attention, I felt really happy that someone maybe, just maybe liked me. That's all. Just that MAYBE was good enough for me. Of course I would never do anything about it. Like go out of my way to talk to him or anything. I just replied when necessary. Like that one thank you when he turned the keyboard speaker on for me. Or told him no, I don't think I can translate drum vocabulary, I'm not good enough. But it stuck so hard, the things he did. Waving me over to the Chanyang leaders meeting I was missing. TWICE that happened. Me being late/missing even though I was right there, a leader meeting.

LOL!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL thinking and writing about this right now, I realize it was hardly nothing!! What he did!! I was probably 180 stupid wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm just so stuck up and self absorbed, grasping at any possibility like this! HAH! I'm so stupid, so stupid~~ The thing that really gets me isn't the times I think someone is looking at me, but when I am irrevocably and stupidly and completely lost to thinking about someone else. CP's little "looking" thing was nothing compared to this 2+ and continuing crush. Gah, I used to cry and cry and beg God to make me the right wife for him. I remember those nights.

"I heard 80% of all the guys are possible matches for each one of us sisters, right?" I cried. "Then please, please make me one of those in that percentage for him."

I read that crushes can't last for more than 2 years. Because of some scientific reason or something. Hey, maybe it's true actually, because exactly two years after I got the crush, he left. He's coming back, this summer, but still, I haven't seen him for several months, and maybe it's over! Maybe it's finally over!!!!! I hope. Please, let it be over. If it continues after he comes back, it'll be more than 3 whole years of insanity. These months of nothing, it feels so good, to be doing other things than thinking about him. Even if these "other things" are just worrying, being afraid, procrastinating, banging on piano, trying to grow and stuff... I really, really feel like not having my crush around is so liberating. Yet still THINKING that I have a crush on him, I don't get another crush because that spot is taken with something so huge that another crush isn't possible. So, with all this time without obsessive thoughts, I've been able to have crazy awesome experiences at Cheongpyeong, breaking out of myself (NO one I knew was there, except a few BCs from the Bay Area ^^ Jessica, Rebecca, Sarah, Mako, Aika, Orion, Daehi... and LA: Winna, Harumi...) and winter workshop was awesome. So awesome! My all girl group was so awesome. It helps so much, I just get so I dunno, put up these worried barriers when there are brothers around? Even though I'm supposed to be their sister and all they've shown me is their kindness. Maybe I'm just afraid of... everything gah I dunno how to explain it. I just like being myself with my sisters. I'm afraid to get close, as casual friends to brothers because I feel like... LOL I should only do that with my husband? I shouldn't TALK to any guys except my husband? I don't think that's how I think. But that's all I can think of right now. That's definitely not the case, no. But still, being surrounded by loving sisters and brothers is what made me break out of myself. Just a bit, but still, better than ever before. I felt so good at winter workshop. I wanted to smile all the time, but my smile is so ugly no it's mostly how chubby my face is. I wish I had a nice smile that I could make other people happy with.

So, without him around, and me thinking about maybe what he woudl be thinking about me doing what I'm doing, I've been able to be myself a lot more. I wish it wasn't so. It sounds like he's the one making me be quiet and shy, and solitary? But no, it's just... he's so good at everything, that I feel so inferior and don't want to try to do something like him. Though I do. I learn every song he performs... GAH I DID? I did. That sounds bad. Stalking. If there was ever stalking done, I did it. And it's what I cried in repentance over at Cheongpyeong for.

Now that I've confessed almost little thing I've ever wanted to hide, why not go further? Huh I can't think of anything else right now though.

Once when I was angry, I drove the freeway ramp too fast and almost skidded to a crash. But it didn't even phase me. Music was blasting (DBSK's Mirotic, goodness) I couldn't hear even the traffic outside, rushing by, and I just STOMPED the gas pedal. It was because I was going to work. I was always grumpy and angry on work days. I wish I wasn't. I'm sorry.

My most favorite song in the entire whole wide deep hiroi world, is Moriyama Naotarou-sama's "Sakura." Ever since I heard it. It wasn't even him singing it when it caught my ear. Some guy was doing a cover on a Japanese show! The melody caught me, I went to look for the real song, and... ever since. No song will ever take it's place. Hey, I'm rambling about happier things now! Yay! Rambling is working. So well, not even DBSK's Mirotic, my fav DBSK song is better. Not Super Junior's Miracle, V.O.S.'s "Beautiful Life," nothing. God must have given Moriyama-sama "Sakura," because it's beauty cannot be beaten. Performances make me cry. I don't even fully understand all the Japanese lyrics yet. See how stupid I am? Yeah. I should learn those. I wish I could perform it too, for everyone. Singing, I mean. Not piano version, GOOD GOD I AM TIRED OF ONLY BEING ABLE TO DO PIANO VERSIONS. I WANT TO PLAY ACCOMPANIMENT FOR MYSELF DANGNABIT!!!!!! I want to sing, and sing beautifully!! But I'm afraid to try, because I think I'll never be any good. What should I do? I'm gonna hate myself and regret it for the rest of my life if I don't try singing. But all I can do is hoarsely gargle along, only when the music is blasting and I can hardly hear myself. For some reason, God gave me the wrong vocal chords. I don't have a girl's vocal range. I don't even have some guy's vocal range, they can sing way higher than me! Tachibana Keita, omg his range is crazy! Up to a high F I tell you, that's like, YUI! Anyway, I'm just saying I can't sing high but crazily, I reached a B once in winter workshop, and I might've annoyed Jackson in front of me. My voice cracked a lot, but not that B and I was proud, even though my voice was as thin as ice. After that, yeah my voice was kinda gone because I don't sing right. There's one thing to learn and practice singing, but another to be naturally talented at singing. I think that's what I want. But seeing as I'm not naturally talented, I don't know if learning to sing unnaturally is good enough for me so I give up. Do I? I dunno. I don't want to give up. I always lip synch, and sing for fun when no one's around. But never, ever by myself. Maybe twice. Alone in the car with a guitar. But never other than that, singing by myself, a capella or iwth myself on guitar or piano. I really hate it when my dad and mom talk about me, right in front of me, to other parents. It makes me feel so, so awful and horrible. Now I feel bad to Hannah, my music theory teacher and fellow BC. I gave up violin after months of her teaching me everything she knew. It was hard, violin for me, with piano taking most of my passion and everything. I'm sorry I wasted her time. And now she doesn't want to come back to teach me music theory, my brother guitar, and the Shaws music either, because we're so unenthusiastic... =(

Playing piano accompaniment for some famous singer on Kouhaku Uta Gassen. Wow... those pianists are cool. those bands are cool. Being in a band? That's a cool new daydream to start. Not for me in reality though... sigh. What am I good for? What use am of to this world? Can I be an interpreter? Is hating the language barrier and loving foreign languages enough? I also want to be God's 2nd gen International interpreter. Like that lol ^^; Is it too big of a dream? While I feel so little and always just want to disappear when things get hard?

I don't know.

But right now, I'm actually feeling a little happy and excited about all the possibilities in the future. It's all unknown, but everything has the possibility of turning out wonderful. But if it isn't wonderful, I can MAKE it wonderful, somehow. Though I'm afraid of everything, and wish I could change almost everything about myself, the future is a good thing. Specifically, I am looking forward to maybe cleaning Shim Jung Garden. I am looking forward to finishing high school. Going to college, even though I'm terrified, maybe I'll meet some Cassioepians (can't even spell it) or Elves, and make new friends and learn how to be in the real world. I don't really know the real world you know. All I THINK it is, is scary. But I hope I can meet someone like me. I'm looking forward to warm weather, SUMMER. My last summer vacation before college lol. I feel like it's my last summer vacation period =( But it's okay, I will make the best of it. I Am looking forward to One Heart Camp. I promised myself, and God to staff middle school OHC. I know it'll be so, so hard and challenging for me, butI made this promise during winter workshop and I will keep it, I believe in myself and know it's the right thing to do. Staffing anything is just another way of loving my brothers and sisters. The problem is, I think I don't know how to love. Really. I took this facebook quiz once. Language of Love or something. I didn't get physical touch, loving words, or anything like that. I got "Acts of service." Is that why I'm cleaning like crazy? Maybe haha. But well, if I show my love by living for the sake of others in practical, physical ways like doing the dishes, sweeping, or scrubbing the kitchen ceiling lol, then I guess there's nothing I can do about that. But how will that help me love? I want to sometimes throw myself out like a slave and do everything for everyone, but at the same time I'm afraid of doing something wrong. So everything in my just contradicts and makes me do nothing.

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who does nothing.

I think Theodore Roosevelt or someone said that. I just remembered it. I cut it out of the newspaper and saved it. It's in my room, taped to something. I remember it lol! I like that quote I guess. And also, my favorite bible quote is

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I think it goes something like that. I look it up all the time at church, in the Bibles in the pews. It makes me feel a little braver, but I never remember it the times I NEED to remember it.

Can I, am I able to, will I be a good wife for one person out there, someday? Someday soon, my mom hopes. I want to be. I have to be. I will be. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, right? He gives you challenges for you to grow. And that's what the Blessing will be too. Other than being the most important thing of my entire life, and life after life, the Blessing is a way to grow. Whoever my husband is, he will be the person who can make me grow most. Will I be the one who can make him grow, too? Can I be a plus? Not a selfish, leeching minus? Can I be a true daughter of God...?

Yeah, I can and WILL BE.


I think I feel better now. I think I'm okay ^^ Belting it all out was good. Hey, right now the instrumental version of Sakura is playing on my ipod! :D Sakura really calms me down. That's how angry spells of mine usually end. First I'm listening to hateful raging rock music (Super Junior - Don't Don, TWINS; DBSK - Mirotic), then tearful ballads that wrench my heart (Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love; Angela Aki - Home; Moriyama Naotarou - Ikiteru Koto ga Tsurainara) then it just falls into inspirational music that heals my heart. Moriyama Naotarou's "Sakura" does it best. Calm me down. Though it doesn't usually end there. Then it goes to super happy upbeat music lol, like V.O.S.'s Beautiful Life, Arashi's Sakura Sake and NEWS - Weeeek and stuff hehe. Well... my parents have turned out the house lights, I'm sitting here in the dark kitchen, it's past 10pm, I owe my mom money for passing the computer curfew, my eyes hurt from the computer, and Moriyama Naotarou is singing to make me sleepy with his beautiful songs.

Tomorrow is scary, like everything else... but it's just because it's possibility. Possibility for bad and for good. I'm too afraid of the bad to hope for the good. I can make anything good. I want to. What is tomorrow? Tuesday. Nothing really planned for tomorrow... more study perhaps, piano again... movie with my sister, trial and error of weight loss. I have to stop being an angry person. Irascible. Sadly, that's the only word I learned during high school. Irascible lol. Easily angered, I think. That's me. At home anyway. But I wanna be the person I am at workshops. I think that's the real me. Though maybe a little louder and outspoken ^^ So... what is tomorrow?

Bright happy future! :D

Thank you, blogspot for letting me ramble to no one, but making me feel less burdened =) I'll go work on myself now. After a night's sleep ^^ Good night, world <3