Stay or go. New York music internship for three months, or stay in school, where everything is provided for this fall semester. School started three days ago. Everything's perfect, except for the most painful component... him. Two bands with him. And mutual friends. Feel like I'm tearing in half when I'm around him, seeing what I SHOULD be doing, would be doing if it were last semester. I have no time and I have to decide. I'm trying not to be selfish, open to God and hearing what He wants. Most of the points are going to school but something about NY still haunts me. I need to buy my textbooks, focus in school, practice for bands, get my head in the game, get over him and become a normal friend again lest I writhe in vain alone. Or run away and go to NY in October, after half the semester in the bands and even play in one concert. Hate living on the wall like this...
But today was awesome. ALLNIGHTER at my friend's church, CTF in the pitch black park, "Have you ever" "Deer Hunter," "Quelf" XD Piano, sardines, hot sauce fight, three cups of coffee, dead skunks gah... slept at 4:30 for three hours, then breakfast at Carrow's for other friend's birthday yay! SOOOOO FUNNNNNN I LOVE THEM. And my diet's going fine, for a total of three days. Hours of gym, under-control food, music, friends, family too! Feel a balance shaping. Somehow, if I stay in school where I feel i belong so much (until my heart just crumbles while watching him laugh and smile for everyone else) and I just can't give this all up, then I need to beg for my job back at Eon, where I went for my first day and quit that day. But women's history professor is terrifying... but I have SEVEN friends in that class, OMG <3
If I wrote a note to God... and put my heart out on the page... what would I tell Him? If I knew He would truly, absolutely read it. I know He's out there. Forever I will know it in my heart, I can never deny it. But I just can't feel Him and His presence, guidance these days. This decision is killing me, Lord, please show me the way. Do You want me to stay or go? Which would be best for my family, my friends, for You, and even for me...? Please, I am trying to open my heart. I am counting points for each side. But no matter how many points school has, NY just HAUNTS me. But it's so equal, it's a tug of war and time's run out.
----------
The motion sensor lights went off when I played piano too stiffly for too long, and I was surprised at how much easier, so much easier it is to sing in the dark by myself.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Life sucks at this moment.
Yesterday was wonderful. Boardwalk with school friends. Saw him for the first time in a month, I was terrified, but it went okay. Didn't speak to him directly once. We both waved at the same time, then I had to ignore him else I reattach myself to him, and he respectfully kept his distance for me. Of course now my heart is in a million pieces and I've been singing one song all afternoon, alone at school.
Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.
Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.
But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.
- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj
Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.
Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.
But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.
- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Come on, come on...
Biked 32 miles yesterday... yesssss... felt so good, sweaty, tired, awesome!
Walked 4.6 miles, back from church, then biked 5 miles to the park to see the free concert that no one will go with me to so I will MAKE my own happiness and not depend on anyone else! Now for my daily walk with my sister... and then a movie and bed.
And today, food was good! No control-issues, a bit of anxiety, but overall splendid! :D I'm so happy! I have accidentally decided to not think about camp, not worry about it because there's nothing I can do about it anyway, so I will just freak out, cry, and be terrified this Thursday evening while I'm getting ready to go.
He invited me to hang out before he performs at the fair tomorrow. Hang out, with other friends too if they can make it... but... honestly, I'm scared. I don't want to. But I...
Yesterday, I biked to school. That was my plan. I visited my building, but then wondered... what if I keep going? Just going straight... I've never seen the end of this street. Okay so I kept going and going, and singing along OUT LOUD with my iPod, belting out songs cuz no one was around... the street turned into another name, and another name... then I thought.
What if I bike to HIS house?
It's MILES away, a little DRIVE, but... what if. Once I imagined myself going to bike to visit him for fun... of course, when we were still friends. But well, when the idea popped into my head, there was no turning back.
I got quite lost, in the middle of a big dusty industrial area/brown fields. It hit me where I was, I was WAY OFF, so I just followed my shadow and OH YEAH. I was so happy when I made it, not because it was his house but because I found my way and I knew it was MILES and miles.
I sat across his street and wrote my journal. Then... I wrote a note in the code he taught me that we used to use, snuck up to his grandpa's pick up truck, stuck it under the windshield wiper, and hightailed outta there.
32 miles... 5 hours... sweaty, aching... physically so happy :)
Bulimia free for one day, yay. Baby steps...
Walked 4.6 miles, back from church, then biked 5 miles to the park to see the free concert that no one will go with me to so I will MAKE my own happiness and not depend on anyone else! Now for my daily walk with my sister... and then a movie and bed.
And today, food was good! No control-issues, a bit of anxiety, but overall splendid! :D I'm so happy! I have accidentally decided to not think about camp, not worry about it because there's nothing I can do about it anyway, so I will just freak out, cry, and be terrified this Thursday evening while I'm getting ready to go.
He invited me to hang out before he performs at the fair tomorrow. Hang out, with other friends too if they can make it... but... honestly, I'm scared. I don't want to. But I...
Yesterday, I biked to school. That was my plan. I visited my building, but then wondered... what if I keep going? Just going straight... I've never seen the end of this street. Okay so I kept going and going, and singing along OUT LOUD with my iPod, belting out songs cuz no one was around... the street turned into another name, and another name... then I thought.
What if I bike to HIS house?
It's MILES away, a little DRIVE, but... what if. Once I imagined myself going to bike to visit him for fun... of course, when we were still friends. But well, when the idea popped into my head, there was no turning back.
I got quite lost, in the middle of a big dusty industrial area/brown fields. It hit me where I was, I was WAY OFF, so I just followed my shadow and OH YEAH. I was so happy when I made it, not because it was his house but because I found my way and I knew it was MILES and miles.
I sat across his street and wrote my journal. Then... I wrote a note in the code he taught me that we used to use, snuck up to his grandpa's pick up truck, stuck it under the windshield wiper, and hightailed outta there.
32 miles... 5 hours... sweaty, aching... physically so happy :)
Bulimia free for one day, yay. Baby steps...
Friday, June 24, 2011
So Hard.
Five and a half days without throwing up, thrown out the window one hour ago.
No, not thrown out. I will keep increasing this period of time until it's NEVER. I am learning so much about myself, with my therapist and just thinking so much. I exercised so much this week to lose weight, and I've been severely disappointed no matter how hard I try, and I think because I restricted my food too much, I began to crave more and couldn't take it. I'm SO lucky and grateful I'm not completely out of control, and I ate too much FRUIT instead of junk food. But I don't know how long I can be good. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
I read somewhere a long time ago, that a fast/strict diet is toughest on the 6th day. I can definitely attest to this. Today is my 5th day though. Gosh darns it all. My throat hurts. Please God, be with me? I'm so scared. I still miss him. But I'm putting You at my center, You at my center God. Please help me, please.
No, not thrown out. I will keep increasing this period of time until it's NEVER. I am learning so much about myself, with my therapist and just thinking so much. I exercised so much this week to lose weight, and I've been severely disappointed no matter how hard I try, and I think because I restricted my food too much, I began to crave more and couldn't take it. I'm SO lucky and grateful I'm not completely out of control, and I ate too much FRUIT instead of junk food. But I don't know how long I can be good. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying.
I read somewhere a long time ago, that a fast/strict diet is toughest on the 6th day. I can definitely attest to this. Today is my 5th day though. Gosh darns it all. My throat hurts. Please God, be with me? I'm so scared. I still miss him. But I'm putting You at my center, You at my center God. Please help me, please.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Last Day, Again.
Destroy one special relationship... sabotage another.
I'm a great person. Lose best friend, lose therapist in same week.
I realized there's 1% of me that's not willing to give up these disorders. And that's what's been stopping me, other than my stubbornness, unwillingness to forgive, not wanting to grow up, wanting comfort, rescue, love, and kind words, being afraid of responsibility. Blah blah blah. Today was extremely shocking, embarrassing, humiliating, sickening. It started good, but I knew it was going to be bad. Because it was all decided in my head how I was going to spend it. Stupid, right.
Saw pictures of the beach outing that I missed out on because I just could not bear to see him there.
He hadn't gone.
Still, I could not have been in the mood to be happy, and too embarrassed to show my fat face to my school friends, who have only seen me skinny.
I miss being skinny. It was my pride and joy to be called small, pretty, cute, adorable, skinny. SMALL. Pride and joy. Stupid. I'm so materialistic...? External. But it's a relief to have the agony of losing my best friend relieved, because I'm stupidly focusing all my life on this eating disorder. Stupid. Stupid. I want to know how he is. Is he fine already? I'm just worried, and so sorry.
My therapist said I knifed him, I did. I'm knifing my whole family, and her. Stabbing them with what I'm doing. Hurting everyone. I'm so numb, I'm unbelievable.
I can't go to camp fat. I just can't. There's so much I want to do, and I feel I can't do itf I'm fat. If it's that important to me, why do I keep doing this? Tomorrow it starts again. It feels so hopeless and stupid, just stupid stupid. How many times have I said, "from tomorrow, I'll diet" blah blah BLAH. Well, it has to be. I have less than two weeks to lose I don't even know how many pounds. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I feel sick. Terrified.
I just wish my therapist had some kinder words, a softer approach to helping me. Tough love, harsh advice. HE was so kind, gentle, understanding, encouraging... that's why I got too attached. And now he's gone, my therapist almost gave up on me because I hadn't told her about him, and she was blown away by my dishonesty. Chapter two problems are related to my eating disorders, she says. How? How? I have to. I have to. I missed the beach outing. I won't miss another fun outing. This Thursday is a sleepover at our house already, I'm screwed. Monday is a concert at the fair I'm going to for sure, I won't miss Tenth Avenue North. And then... camp. Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm scared to go fat, I'm scared to be energiless there, I'm scared of being fat forever. I can't stand it. I won't stand it. I hate this. I hate this. It's the worst physical feeling. This week has been terrible. I know I deserved it. I have to be a better daughter. I have to. Father's Day tomorrow? I have nothing. Nothing. But I have new goals starting tomorrow. Nothing will get in my way. I'll use my stupid stubbornness for this. If I follow the structure of last crash diet, I can lose 3 pounds the first day, then 2 each day after for a week. It was awesome, I can't believe I threw it away. This time I'll be more careful. I have a plan. Jenny does not fail when it comes to diet. I'll be my ideal weight again, and NO it is not going to be 85 pounds again. It's not even 94.5, Inoue Mao's weight, Becky's weight. My perfect weight was 107. Ish. I'd be happier with a safe little bumper, so maybe 103. Please. Please. Please. I have to.
I'm a great person. Lose best friend, lose therapist in same week.
I realized there's 1% of me that's not willing to give up these disorders. And that's what's been stopping me, other than my stubbornness, unwillingness to forgive, not wanting to grow up, wanting comfort, rescue, love, and kind words, being afraid of responsibility. Blah blah blah. Today was extremely shocking, embarrassing, humiliating, sickening. It started good, but I knew it was going to be bad. Because it was all decided in my head how I was going to spend it. Stupid, right.
Saw pictures of the beach outing that I missed out on because I just could not bear to see him there.
He hadn't gone.
Still, I could not have been in the mood to be happy, and too embarrassed to show my fat face to my school friends, who have only seen me skinny.
I miss being skinny. It was my pride and joy to be called small, pretty, cute, adorable, skinny. SMALL. Pride and joy. Stupid. I'm so materialistic...? External. But it's a relief to have the agony of losing my best friend relieved, because I'm stupidly focusing all my life on this eating disorder. Stupid. Stupid. I want to know how he is. Is he fine already? I'm just worried, and so sorry.
My therapist said I knifed him, I did. I'm knifing my whole family, and her. Stabbing them with what I'm doing. Hurting everyone. I'm so numb, I'm unbelievable.
I can't go to camp fat. I just can't. There's so much I want to do, and I feel I can't do itf I'm fat. If it's that important to me, why do I keep doing this? Tomorrow it starts again. It feels so hopeless and stupid, just stupid stupid. How many times have I said, "from tomorrow, I'll diet" blah blah BLAH. Well, it has to be. I have less than two weeks to lose I don't even know how many pounds. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I feel sick. Terrified.
I just wish my therapist had some kinder words, a softer approach to helping me. Tough love, harsh advice. HE was so kind, gentle, understanding, encouraging... that's why I got too attached. And now he's gone, my therapist almost gave up on me because I hadn't told her about him, and she was blown away by my dishonesty. Chapter two problems are related to my eating disorders, she says. How? How? I have to. I have to. I missed the beach outing. I won't miss another fun outing. This Thursday is a sleepover at our house already, I'm screwed. Monday is a concert at the fair I'm going to for sure, I won't miss Tenth Avenue North. And then... camp. Oh my God, I'm scared. I'm scared to go fat, I'm scared to be energiless there, I'm scared of being fat forever. I can't stand it. I won't stand it. I hate this. I hate this. It's the worst physical feeling. This week has been terrible. I know I deserved it. I have to be a better daughter. I have to. Father's Day tomorrow? I have nothing. Nothing. But I have new goals starting tomorrow. Nothing will get in my way. I'll use my stupid stubbornness for this. If I follow the structure of last crash diet, I can lose 3 pounds the first day, then 2 each day after for a week. It was awesome, I can't believe I threw it away. This time I'll be more careful. I have a plan. Jenny does not fail when it comes to diet. I'll be my ideal weight again, and NO it is not going to be 85 pounds again. It's not even 94.5, Inoue Mao's weight, Becky's weight. My perfect weight was 107. Ish. I'd be happier with a safe little bumper, so maybe 103. Please. Please. Please. I have to.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Bulimarexic
THAT'S what I am. Two into one. I would've never, ever guessed that I would become one. But that's all I know now.
Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.
Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.
I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.
Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.
And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.
Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.
It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."
Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.
Since yesterday the losing best friend agony was lifted so much, my mangled heart is only throbbing with pain now. Probably because stupid bulimia has taken over. Completely. Once my mom left the house with me only with my sleeping little sister, I knew I was doomed. For ten seconds, I felt a euphoric control, like I'd be okay after one bowl of cereal. But yes, ten seconds only. And then, that's why the agony is numb, because I am numb. And inbetween numb, I am writhing in guilt, humiliation, self-hatred, fatness, fear, utter terror, a different agony, and then missing him.
Loneliness has returned. Even though my mom knows everything, HE was the only one who happily checked on me everyday, knowing everything. And now that my rescuer is gone, the little girl in me (therapist named her "Little Jenny" appropriately) who doesn't want to grow up is freaking out, completely flailing in a tantrum, and making me do this. I can't stop. I can't stop. Agh my throat hurts. How many times has it been today now? Only four, oh.
I MISS HIM, @#*$)$^*@#$& I MISS HIM, MY BEST FRIEND OF FOUR MONTHS. It's so scary to be alone again, to feel like I will never, ever get better from these stupid eating disorders and will be fat, fat, fat and everyone at camp will hate me, look at my fatness and I will eat too much and throw up even at camp, and totally not focus on my group or God, and will feel even more guilt and shame and my group will hate me, I will get nothing out of camp except more weight, why can't I stop, why can't I even cry. Bulimia hell, bulimia hell, goddammit. Typed in "bulimic blog" in google and found dozens of people going through the exact same thing like me. They describe my typical day perfectly. A waste of time, food, money, energy, life.
Even though I saw my other school friend, my religious friend, today and told her everything that happened with my best friend, I felt a bit of relief, but then I went home to numb out all the feelings I had brought up. Numb, fear, fat, numb, fear, fat blah blah blah. I had a few hours of bliss today though. It was amazing. I was READING. Something I hadn't done since spring semester began. Truly, getting lost in a good book. It was wonderful.
And then it was dinner time. And then... everyone left the house, leaving me with... the house. And then... stupid.
Beastly was a good book, wow. Finished it in less than a day, after I just finished JANE EYRE which took six months, but was sooo good. Should I just read all summer and hope I lose weight by not thinking about food? I had so many hopes for this summer. So many glorious hopes. Now I'm doomed to hell, it seems. Someone, please throw me into a hospital where they will lock me into a room, give me the only food I can eat, and fix me.
It makes me feel better. It's an excuse, but it makes me feel better. That this isn't just a lack of willpower, that it's a medical condition and many people have it. My therapist deals with the internal aspects, the cause and motivations behind my disorders. Well, I hope it gets worse right before I get better, because this is the worst, and if I don't get better... I don't know. I really don't know. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Bulimia hell. I hate this. I hate this. This sucks. This week is the worst week in my entire life. Agony. "Devastating agony," I shall forever remember this week. June 13, the sudden goodbye from my best friend who I thought I'd be friends with forever. Of course we're not totally over, he's downgraded me into a "casual friend," but still the devastating goodbye. Tuesday night, the official "unbecoming of friends."
Agony. Agony. Devastation. That's all I can think all week. Fat. Agony. Uncontrollable. Checking my phone whenever I see it, just yearning for a text from him to ask, "how are you?" like he did every day. Wondering if he's totally fine and I'm making a big girly fussy teary mess out of it. If I want him to hurt or not. If I want to stop hurting and feel guilty for not hurting more, but being unable to bear the hurt. Stupid. Binge purge, fat, sick, disgusting, I HATE this, I HATE this, DGHSIADFLSDI awt9ph; ;awioeufhaq3rh;sjdfh;sajdfh;ah STUPID. IF I COULD NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WOULD, GODDAMMIT. No matter how many times I pray to God that he is the center of my life, he is the center, I don't need my ex-best friend there that was a mistake, it doesn't help. I'm hopeless. No number of friends and family praying for me is going to help when it's all my fault that I'm stuck like this. I want to live, I want to be free oh my god, please, I want to be free.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Agony Pt. 3
And it continues.
Mourning the loss of the best friend who knew everything about me, took care of me, looked out for me, understood me, never let me feel lonely. I accidentally put him in the center of my life, and now being suddenly torn out, it hurts like hell. I made a mistake. The little girl in me got too attached to him. But this has to be, because of me.
Yes... I didn't go to the beach. I hope they're having fun. I'm so sorry I couldn't handle it.
Talking to my mom for hours helped a lot. She said time heals all wounds. Time will heal this too. But the agony continued. The agony of overeating and gaining so much weight, plus the hurt I caused him, the devastation raging in my heart, the fear and uncertainty of school life from now on.
My mom says I am so protected by the spirit world and God, that nothing bad actually happened. It did not go anywhere past "really good friends," no physical mistakes, just too attached. I am protected.
At the store I walked to with my mom, there was a flute playing on the Mexican radio. It hurt. His playing made flute music beautiful to my ears. But I must let go. I accept this agony. I feel it, it kills me, but I choose to feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Time will heal, I believe it, I do. Please, oh please, this agony will cease. I hope he is all right too. I'm sad to think he may be just fine. Though even sadder and pained to think he is not all right, because of me. I'm so sorry.
I did my condition with my mom today. Afterward... I actually felt a tiny breeze of hope. Time will heal. I am not irreversibly fat. Summer camp can be good if I do my best and just love with all my heart, unconditionally. I can lose at least a few pounds healthily before camp to feel better, loosen my tight clothes, gain sport stamina for games, etc. And if I truly put God at my center, this agony will be relieved, my first broken heart (if this was a first love broken heart, I would be dead from pain, shame, impurity and loss. I am so lucky.) will heal, I can prepare for the matching, and go forth once again with a smile on my face.
Mourning the loss of the best friend who knew everything about me, took care of me, looked out for me, understood me, never let me feel lonely. I accidentally put him in the center of my life, and now being suddenly torn out, it hurts like hell. I made a mistake. The little girl in me got too attached to him. But this has to be, because of me.
Yes... I didn't go to the beach. I hope they're having fun. I'm so sorry I couldn't handle it.
Talking to my mom for hours helped a lot. She said time heals all wounds. Time will heal this too. But the agony continued. The agony of overeating and gaining so much weight, plus the hurt I caused him, the devastation raging in my heart, the fear and uncertainty of school life from now on.
My mom says I am so protected by the spirit world and God, that nothing bad actually happened. It did not go anywhere past "really good friends," no physical mistakes, just too attached. I am protected.
At the store I walked to with my mom, there was a flute playing on the Mexican radio. It hurt. His playing made flute music beautiful to my ears. But I must let go. I accept this agony. I feel it, it kills me, but I choose to feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Time will heal, I believe it, I do. Please, oh please, this agony will cease. I hope he is all right too. I'm sad to think he may be just fine. Though even sadder and pained to think he is not all right, because of me. I'm so sorry.
I did my condition with my mom today. Afterward... I actually felt a tiny breeze of hope. Time will heal. I am not irreversibly fat. Summer camp can be good if I do my best and just love with all my heart, unconditionally. I can lose at least a few pounds healthily before camp to feel better, loosen my tight clothes, gain sport stamina for games, etc. And if I truly put God at my center, this agony will be relieved, my first broken heart (if this was a first love broken heart, I would be dead from pain, shame, impurity and loss. I am so lucky.) will heal, I can prepare for the matching, and go forth once again with a smile on my face.
Agony Pt. 2
Almost started crying before I was even fully awake. Terrified to get out of bed to face reality, the reality of being fat, of having hurt my best friend, having lost my best friend and not knowing how painful or how coldly we will acknowledge each other today at the beach. I feel like a thousand pounds, literally and metaphorically. This is the very worst I have ever, ever felt in my entire 20 1/2 years living on this Earth that God supposedly made for us to live, grow and bring Him joy.
My mom said I can't go to the beach. She's gonna have to tell my dad what's been happening at school, and she said he might make me drop out. I'm so scared. I keep ruining my own life. I wish I could feel just a little comfort and safety once more. Where does one find comfort, love, and safety? Parents... family... God... church... friends. Well, despising myself this much and not having an ounce of hope to my name, I can't even accept comfort maybe.
What do I do, what do I do. I told my friend I can't go to the beach, she called me to ask why, I can't even tell her it's because I cannot bear to see him. My mom says I have to let go. Just let go. Before, I only saw myself going to the beach. I HAD to go, to see where we stood now, how "just casual and not best friends" felt like. But now... should I really not go? If I didn't see him all summer, maybe by the time fall semester started I would feel like we hadn't talked, hadn't kept each other updated, hadn't connected at all and had been naturally reduced to just casual friends.
I feel like my heart is being mangled between two hands. Squeezed, pulled, just mangled mercilessly. What do I do, oh what. Do. I. Do.
My mom said I can't go to the beach. She's gonna have to tell my dad what's been happening at school, and she said he might make me drop out. I'm so scared. I keep ruining my own life. I wish I could feel just a little comfort and safety once more. Where does one find comfort, love, and safety? Parents... family... God... church... friends. Well, despising myself this much and not having an ounce of hope to my name, I can't even accept comfort maybe.
What do I do, what do I do. I told my friend I can't go to the beach, she called me to ask why, I can't even tell her it's because I cannot bear to see him. My mom says I have to let go. Just let go. Before, I only saw myself going to the beach. I HAD to go, to see where we stood now, how "just casual and not best friends" felt like. But now... should I really not go? If I didn't see him all summer, maybe by the time fall semester started I would feel like we hadn't talked, hadn't kept each other updated, hadn't connected at all and had been naturally reduced to just casual friends.
I feel like my heart is being mangled between two hands. Squeezed, pulled, just mangled mercilessly. What do I do, oh what. Do. I. Do.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Agony
Suddenly without my always-there best friend, I am pummeled, crushed, and paralyzed by agony, confusion, shock, devastation, pain, loneliness, regret, fear, hurt, guilt, hopelessness, loss, disbelief, torture, terror, uncertainty, trauma.
Anything vaguely close to a unpleasant feeling, God knows how I deal with that. Binge to numb it. When that wears off, feel so, so disgustingly fat and uncontrollably revolting, so purge. Guilty, fat, ugly, agony, loss, devastation all come back. Repeat cycle.
And you have, the worst day in my entire life part 2.
My childhood best friend facebooked me while I was writing a huge confessional letter to my mom, after such purging, while waiting alone for her outside the karaoke building. With my new phone I get vibrations the MOMENT notifications pop up, so... RIGHT then, she was thinking of me? Spiritual...?
I stopped believing in God today. He's never there. He's not here now, when my world shattered and I completely gave up. Utter agony, utter agony, utter agony. There is nothing more. I feel... like I can never be happy again. I will never get better. Life is too hard but suicide leads to eternity of torture, so what the heck am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T! WHAT. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. DO.
I can't staff camp like this. I can barely see the stupid computer screen my eyes are blurry, face swollen. Geez, how many hours of tears today and yesterday. This hurts. This really hurts. Why am I not dead yet, from emotional... I dunno, trauma? How is he feeling today? I can't imagine how tomorrow will be, seeing him for the first time with this mind. Our minds. "Un-become best friends"? The most painful words I have ever been told.
And hey, there are only more struggles to come in this world. Marriage, career, in-laws, family, deaths, money, children, eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything? How. Will. I. Survive. I used to think life was joyful, yes life was full of joy and beauty. Now, it's something to survive? Stumble through while getting shot at, drowned, strangled, betrayed, hurt, ignored, angered, terrified...? Why am I so pessimistic. I am hopeless. I am scared. Immature, irresponsible, stubborn, STUBBORN to death.
When was the last time I was happy? Wait, happy? What's happiness? Huh? Happiness? That's Greek to me. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what have I done, and why am I here. I'm not expecting an answer though, oh no, I won't get my hopes up. I cannot withstand another disappointment. I just can't.
Anything vaguely close to a unpleasant feeling, God knows how I deal with that. Binge to numb it. When that wears off, feel so, so disgustingly fat and uncontrollably revolting, so purge. Guilty, fat, ugly, agony, loss, devastation all come back. Repeat cycle.
And you have, the worst day in my entire life part 2.
My childhood best friend facebooked me while I was writing a huge confessional letter to my mom, after such purging, while waiting alone for her outside the karaoke building. With my new phone I get vibrations the MOMENT notifications pop up, so... RIGHT then, she was thinking of me? Spiritual...?
I stopped believing in God today. He's never there. He's not here now, when my world shattered and I completely gave up. Utter agony, utter agony, utter agony. There is nothing more. I feel... like I can never be happy again. I will never get better. Life is too hard but suicide leads to eternity of torture, so what the heck am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T! WHAT. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. DO.
I can't staff camp like this. I can barely see the stupid computer screen my eyes are blurry, face swollen. Geez, how many hours of tears today and yesterday. This hurts. This really hurts. Why am I not dead yet, from emotional... I dunno, trauma? How is he feeling today? I can't imagine how tomorrow will be, seeing him for the first time with this mind. Our minds. "Un-become best friends"? The most painful words I have ever been told.
And hey, there are only more struggles to come in this world. Marriage, career, in-laws, family, deaths, money, children, eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything? How. Will. I. Survive. I used to think life was joyful, yes life was full of joy and beauty. Now, it's something to survive? Stumble through while getting shot at, drowned, strangled, betrayed, hurt, ignored, angered, terrified...? Why am I so pessimistic. I am hopeless. I am scared. Immature, irresponsible, stubborn, STUBBORN to death.
When was the last time I was happy? Wait, happy? What's happiness? Huh? Happiness? That's Greek to me. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what have I done, and why am I here. I'm not expecting an answer though, oh no, I won't get my hopes up. I cannot withstand another disappointment. I just can't.
The moment I finished typing, he texted me.
We are to un-become best friends.
I will never give that much of myself to another, ever in my entire life. I have only gratitude to God and him that it never went further than best friends, but... I cannot imagine next semester. And I don't think my shocked, strangled heart will heal for a long time, nor these tears run dry tonight.
I have never felt like this before. Utter emotional agony. Regret, pain, despair, terror. And I didn't find God's hand in time to be with Him to lessen this shocking loneliness. This hurts so much. I was so stupid. What am I going to do.
We are to un-become best friends.
I will never give that much of myself to another, ever in my entire life. I have only gratitude to God and him that it never went further than best friends, but... I cannot imagine next semester. And I don't think my shocked, strangled heart will heal for a long time, nor these tears run dry tonight.
I have never felt like this before. Utter emotional agony. Regret, pain, despair, terror. And I didn't find God's hand in time to be with Him to lessen this shocking loneliness. This hurts so much. I was so stupid. What am I going to do.
Devastation.
Thank you Phuong... your schedule was really insightful. It looks like you'd be hungry though! It's interesting to hear that you could really measure and see your progress by the time that passed between purges.
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It feels like... my best friend... dumped me... yesterday. I became too much of a burden, he couldn't do any more for me, did I relieve him of his torture? Now he feels self-loathing, he went on and on typing on Facebook, I couldn't interject, then suddenly he was gone.
Um... since then, I've just been a mess of confusion, devastation and hopelessness? I did NOT realize how much of my life was founded on his friendship, until he suddenly snipped me off. "bye" I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling other than miserable, self-hatred, hopelessness, FAT, fat, ugly, fat, hopeless, DEVASTATION, that is the only word I keep going over and over on in my head.
Family relations are up and wonderful. It's finally warm and I've been waiting for summer all year. But now I'm fat and can't enjoy it. I wore my new summer dress today though, and did my hair as pretty as possible to walk to the library with my little sister. The day I decide to wear this long-awaited short dress, I had to walk by a construction site (meaning... men) and it was windy and I was self-conscious.
Heat is wonderful. Sun is so pleasant. Why did I ruin my body as my favorite season arrived? When a beach trip is but two days away. Last week I lost 12 pounds through fasting and exercise, and... just wow, I am unbelievably hopeless.
I got my new phone. I only got a new phone and plan so I could mostly text him, my main support through my eating disorders. He knows everything about me, and I him. He was helping so much, just by knowing, supporting, talking to me, then suddenly... oh so suddenly he lost confidence in himself...? I don't even know what happened! And he was criticizing himself, saying he felt stupid. He knows how I could get better, right away. He can see the button to press for me to get better. But there was a ten foot thick wall of plexiglass in front of it. And it was torture to stare at it. I... inferred that the wall was my church, my family, my decision. I could not change my decision. So he decided to turn away from the button, forget he ever saw and felt the want to press it, and... said bye.
I have no idea where we stand. I'm so... lost.
I was not conscious of how centered my life was on him. And now I'm struggling to find God and make him my anchor, He who it was supposed to be from the beginning. God, where are You?
I am waiting and waiting and hoping and praying that he will text me, SOMETHING will happen, we will move. I feel so, so lost and floundering and crazy not knowing what the heck I am anymore to him, and what he's feeling and if he's upset and hates me, hates me, hates my guts... or feels bad, or is lost like me? Or has forgotten me, cut me off. What am I, where am I, what is he doing, where does our friendship stand, how in the world will I act when I see him on Thursday... Yet... I asked my friend if she's talked to him, and she has, and he... sounds like he's having such busy fun on a new project. I don't know what to feel.
"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I hate being numb.
Lady Antibellum's song played TWO TIMES in my short car rides today. Stop torturing me, please.
What is wrong with me.
----------------------------------------
It feels like... my best friend... dumped me... yesterday. I became too much of a burden, he couldn't do any more for me, did I relieve him of his torture? Now he feels self-loathing, he went on and on typing on Facebook, I couldn't interject, then suddenly he was gone.
Um... since then, I've just been a mess of confusion, devastation and hopelessness? I did NOT realize how much of my life was founded on his friendship, until he suddenly snipped me off. "bye" I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling other than miserable, self-hatred, hopelessness, FAT, fat, ugly, fat, hopeless, DEVASTATION, that is the only word I keep going over and over on in my head.
Family relations are up and wonderful. It's finally warm and I've been waiting for summer all year. But now I'm fat and can't enjoy it. I wore my new summer dress today though, and did my hair as pretty as possible to walk to the library with my little sister. The day I decide to wear this long-awaited short dress, I had to walk by a construction site (meaning... men) and it was windy and I was self-conscious.
Heat is wonderful. Sun is so pleasant. Why did I ruin my body as my favorite season arrived? When a beach trip is but two days away. Last week I lost 12 pounds through fasting and exercise, and... just wow, I am unbelievably hopeless.
I got my new phone. I only got a new phone and plan so I could mostly text him, my main support through my eating disorders. He knows everything about me, and I him. He was helping so much, just by knowing, supporting, talking to me, then suddenly... oh so suddenly he lost confidence in himself...? I don't even know what happened! And he was criticizing himself, saying he felt stupid. He knows how I could get better, right away. He can see the button to press for me to get better. But there was a ten foot thick wall of plexiglass in front of it. And it was torture to stare at it. I... inferred that the wall was my church, my family, my decision. I could not change my decision. So he decided to turn away from the button, forget he ever saw and felt the want to press it, and... said bye.
I have no idea where we stand. I'm so... lost.
I was not conscious of how centered my life was on him. And now I'm struggling to find God and make him my anchor, He who it was supposed to be from the beginning. God, where are You?
I am waiting and waiting and hoping and praying that he will text me, SOMETHING will happen, we will move. I feel so, so lost and floundering and crazy not knowing what the heck I am anymore to him, and what he's feeling and if he's upset and hates me, hates me, hates my guts... or feels bad, or is lost like me? Or has forgotten me, cut me off. What am I, where am I, what is he doing, where does our friendship stand, how in the world will I act when I see him on Thursday... Yet... I asked my friend if she's talked to him, and she has, and he... sounds like he's having such busy fun on a new project. I don't know what to feel.
"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I hate being numb.
Lady Antibellum's song played TWO TIMES in my short car rides today. Stop torturing me, please.
What is wrong with me.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Week 1
One week. One blasted week. You couldn't do it.
Too hungry, to weak-willed, idiot. You fail. Tomorrow, you pay.
Too hungry, to weak-willed, idiot. You fail. Tomorrow, you pay.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Colors of Life
Today... I hiked while listening to Christmas music (just for a little bit lol) with my best friend in the hills :) With my low energy and hunger, I would NOT have made it up the whole tortuous uphill alone lol.
Hm... I miss ballroom dancing :(
Mama warned me very harshly to start getting myself together and acting, and deciding as if I am engaged. Because it's true, I am as good as engaged. I realized if I did think like that, I wouldn't do some things that I have been doing. But I still cried in fear, anger, and pain when I realized what I would have to give up. And it's only to "protect" myself from other BCs and their parents. Sigh.
So I felt a wide range of emotions today, mainly happy, but ending with shocking, exhausting, burdening news. But... for the most part... I loved being able to feel again. Feel, feel emotions! I'm not numb anymore! I CHOOSE TO FEEL, YES!!!!! THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU :D
Hm... I miss ballroom dancing :(
Mama warned me very harshly to start getting myself together and acting, and deciding as if I am engaged. Because it's true, I am as good as engaged. I realized if I did think like that, I wouldn't do some things that I have been doing. But I still cried in fear, anger, and pain when I realized what I would have to give up. And it's only to "protect" myself from other BCs and their parents. Sigh.
So I felt a wide range of emotions today, mainly happy, but ending with shocking, exhausting, burdening news. But... for the most part... I loved being able to feel again. Feel, feel emotions! I'm not numb anymore! I CHOOSE TO FEEL, YES!!!!! THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU :D
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Baby steps
I had a phone session with my therapist today, yay. I feel much more cheerful, since... last Saturday lol. Saturday was the end of the world... I don't know how many times the world has "ended" for me and I'm reborn given a second (third, fourth, twentieth) chance the next day. Only to fail 99% of the time. "But this time will be different! This time I won't fail...!" Blah blah blah.
THIS time, I'm with Heavenly Father, and walking with True Parents!! Through my therapist, sort of, :) I mean, I totally surrender to God and will do everything my therapist says, I trust her, and I will NOT get better without God and TP ever, ever never ever. All I can do is surrender to them. So, even if the condition I have done for five days now gets more agonizing by the day, I will do it even, gah!
7 pounds lost in four days... not bad....? Water weight, pooey. The beach trip was moved to next Wednesday, only A WEEK goshdarnsit. And I'm so tired all day, all day my legs... this feeling is all too familiar and not welcomed back :( But I know better this time. AND, I know my period will come back like it did last month! So, if I just eat the right stuff and stay at a good stable weight I'll still have it. I'm gonna test how low I can go and keep it...
The one, blinding, shining beautiful hope I hold, 95% of the drive I have to recover comes from yearning for the Matching and Blessing. My dream. Someone asked me, where do I picture myself in 5 years? A school best friend, in the midst of all our music major, transfer, picking classes talk. And I froze. What in the world...?
All I knew was, I will be married (I didn't say "blessed" XP). That's all I knew. I have no idea what job I will have, if I'll STILL be in school for some reason, where will I live... I don't know. All I know and HOPE with all my heart, is I'll be blessed and living for the sake of my husband with all my heart, soul, mind and body.
Heavenly Father... is someone like me... do you still have someone out there waiting for someone as awful as me... as messed up, desperate, unworthy as me...? Will this be the hardest thing I'll ever hard to overcome...? Even if not, it'll make me a stronger person. I promise I'll get better, Lord, I will, I can't NOT get better. My whole life's purpose is to be matched and blessed, to live and love one man, your son Heavenly Father... I need You now, please... to recover once and for all. I want to hold Your hand through this... I'm always afraid. Even though the only Bible quote I know, from years back, is Proverbs 27:1, why can't I keep that in my heart and believe it? Why did I become such a mess. Did I do something wrong...?
Wait, I already know the answer! I know exactly why this happened. And I don't regret it happening. I am glad to have gone through this. I hope... maybe it's so I can help someone else, like me, in the future? Maybe. Or be a stronger person, that will never leave the church, never leave You? Maybe when I recover, my matching will be so strong it'll never break? Because a broken Blessing is my worst nightmare. Along with never recovering.
If he knew everything about my past... would any possible match reject me? Give up on me? Hate me? Think I'm disgusting? I... wouldn't be able to take that... until I truly believed in the value YOU have in me, Heavenly Father. Where is my value... how can You love ME. I have to try harder, try better... I have to... I must, GAH.
Love... love...
Friends... all over the world supporting me... I can't let them down, omg... I won't. I can't believe it, sometimes... sigh...
True love... "unconditional love"
I have felt the love of my parents... I have (most of the time..?) felt love for my siblings. But I have yet to perfect BOTH these loves. It's so hard to accept anything from my parents, I'm so stubborn and stuck. And my siblings... I have been lost in my own demented world for so long, they are probably fine without me, or look down on me, and I get mad at little things they do anyway... I have to fix this... by fixing myself first? I will. I will.
One Heart Camp will be such a wall, such a huge, towering wall that I have to climb. I'm already getting nervous. I know it'll be so hard. So hard... I'm afraid. But... I have a game plan? A very simple one. I'll try. Gah, I will try...
I'm tired now...
But it's so nice to have a real, live person on this earth that knows everything about me. School is a place for miracles, where we can meet lifelong (hopefully) friends who accept everything about you and love you unconditionally. I'm supposed to say that about church I suppose... but to be honest I've never gotten this close to a BC... as close as I've gotten to this friend :) It's nice not to be alone and have someone to vent, run to when you're beaten down, and they accept you and help you up again ^^ I will not compromise my matching/husband, though, I won't :)
THIS time, I'm with Heavenly Father, and walking with True Parents!! Through my therapist, sort of, :) I mean, I totally surrender to God and will do everything my therapist says, I trust her, and I will NOT get better without God and TP ever, ever never ever. All I can do is surrender to them. So, even if the condition I have done for five days now gets more agonizing by the day, I will do it even, gah!
7 pounds lost in four days... not bad....? Water weight, pooey. The beach trip was moved to next Wednesday, only A WEEK goshdarnsit. And I'm so tired all day, all day my legs... this feeling is all too familiar and not welcomed back :( But I know better this time. AND, I know my period will come back like it did last month! So, if I just eat the right stuff and stay at a good stable weight I'll still have it. I'm gonna test how low I can go and keep it...
The one, blinding, shining beautiful hope I hold, 95% of the drive I have to recover comes from yearning for the Matching and Blessing. My dream. Someone asked me, where do I picture myself in 5 years? A school best friend, in the midst of all our music major, transfer, picking classes talk. And I froze. What in the world...?
All I knew was, I will be married (I didn't say "blessed" XP). That's all I knew. I have no idea what job I will have, if I'll STILL be in school for some reason, where will I live... I don't know. All I know and HOPE with all my heart, is I'll be blessed and living for the sake of my husband with all my heart, soul, mind and body.
Heavenly Father... is someone like me... do you still have someone out there waiting for someone as awful as me... as messed up, desperate, unworthy as me...? Will this be the hardest thing I'll ever hard to overcome...? Even if not, it'll make me a stronger person. I promise I'll get better, Lord, I will, I can't NOT get better. My whole life's purpose is to be matched and blessed, to live and love one man, your son Heavenly Father... I need You now, please... to recover once and for all. I want to hold Your hand through this... I'm always afraid. Even though the only Bible quote I know, from years back, is Proverbs 27:1, why can't I keep that in my heart and believe it? Why did I become such a mess. Did I do something wrong...?
Wait, I already know the answer! I know exactly why this happened. And I don't regret it happening. I am glad to have gone through this. I hope... maybe it's so I can help someone else, like me, in the future? Maybe. Or be a stronger person, that will never leave the church, never leave You? Maybe when I recover, my matching will be so strong it'll never break? Because a broken Blessing is my worst nightmare. Along with never recovering.
If he knew everything about my past... would any possible match reject me? Give up on me? Hate me? Think I'm disgusting? I... wouldn't be able to take that... until I truly believed in the value YOU have in me, Heavenly Father. Where is my value... how can You love ME. I have to try harder, try better... I have to... I must, GAH.
Love... love...
Friends... all over the world supporting me... I can't let them down, omg... I won't. I can't believe it, sometimes... sigh...
True love... "unconditional love"
I have felt the love of my parents... I have (most of the time..?) felt love for my siblings. But I have yet to perfect BOTH these loves. It's so hard to accept anything from my parents, I'm so stubborn and stuck. And my siblings... I have been lost in my own demented world for so long, they are probably fine without me, or look down on me, and I get mad at little things they do anyway... I have to fix this... by fixing myself first? I will. I will.
One Heart Camp will be such a wall, such a huge, towering wall that I have to climb. I'm already getting nervous. I know it'll be so hard. So hard... I'm afraid. But... I have a game plan? A very simple one. I'll try. Gah, I will try...
I'm tired now...
But it's so nice to have a real, live person on this earth that knows everything about me. School is a place for miracles, where we can meet lifelong (hopefully) friends who accept everything about you and love you unconditionally. I'm supposed to say that about church I suppose... but to be honest I've never gotten this close to a BC... as close as I've gotten to this friend :) It's nice not to be alone and have someone to vent, run to when you're beaten down, and they accept you and help you up again ^^ I will not compromise my matching/husband, though, I won't :)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
2.5 Good Days
Five pounds lost so far, water weight but still feel and look better. Woke up feeling so nauseous and hungry this morning, but hah, I will not lose. Less than a month to be my favorite weight again, before Santa Cruz with my friends, before summer camp... I will wear that pretty dress that I don't have yet, have the legs I used to like... be pretty... I'm so tired... walking is hard again, I remember this feeling... So much to do, but feel like I'm wasting time...
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Ooooooooooh, a NEW rock bottom. Awesome.
Today, I drank a bottle of chocolate syrup with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, and then un-drank it! Along with many other highly caloric, fattening comestibles while knowing the consequences, not wanting to eat it, and feeling utterly sick. But unable to stop. I wasted lots of money. I ate almost a whole large caesar's pizza with a Wendy's vanilla shake. Then because throwing up wasn't working, I drank vinegar, salty cold coffee, and downed 28 laxative pills.
So, at therapy this morning... I got an A+ for being the best advertisement for hopelessness. I really gave up. I did. Lost a contact crying and rubbing my eyes out. I am hopeless. I am fat and ugly on top of that. I DID believe I was skinny and pretty, last April. Last April I was happy, SO, happy.
Stupid, stupid.
Even though I saw you, I saw you! And talked to you. But I was so numb, it didn't matter. Still... I played piano for you and your parents today. I will smile no matter how awful I feel inside.
I am not going down without a fight.
So, at therapy this morning... I got an A+ for being the best advertisement for hopelessness. I really gave up. I did. Lost a contact crying and rubbing my eyes out. I am hopeless. I am fat and ugly on top of that. I DID believe I was skinny and pretty, last April. Last April I was happy, SO, happy.
Stupid, stupid.
Even though I saw you, I saw you! And talked to you. But I was so numb, it didn't matter. Still... I played piano for you and your parents today. I will smile no matter how awful I feel inside.
I am not going down without a fight.
Doomed. Yups.
I think so, that's what I am. Doomed.
I'm too much of a coward to face the real problem, and it'll destroy the outside of me while it kills me from the inside. Am I really that hopeless? I had thought I could actually overcome this. Wow. Did praying help?
The more my friend tries to help me, the more uncooperative my stupid body gets. Or is it my head that's stupid? It's not doing much good thinking, the past month. Stupid, stupid. I hate, hate being fat, I HATE IT, STUPID!
And I am NOT READY TO FORGIVE!!!! I AM SO NOT READY TO FORGIVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I can't go on like this forever!!!!!! But it seems like I'll end up doing it anyway.
Even tonight, the first day of the matching convocation. My parents were supposed to go and look for my future husband. But BECAUSE I was bingeing and purging WHILE they were there, and before, and way before, THAT'S WHY I WASN'T READY, and man, I'm tired.
I'm too much of a coward to face the real problem, and it'll destroy the outside of me while it kills me from the inside. Am I really that hopeless? I had thought I could actually overcome this. Wow. Did praying help?
The more my friend tries to help me, the more uncooperative my stupid body gets. Or is it my head that's stupid? It's not doing much good thinking, the past month. Stupid, stupid. I hate, hate being fat, I HATE IT, STUPID!
And I am NOT READY TO FORGIVE!!!! I AM SO NOT READY TO FORGIVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I can't go on like this forever!!!!!! But it seems like I'll end up doing it anyway.
Even tonight, the first day of the matching convocation. My parents were supposed to go and look for my future husband. But BECAUSE I was bingeing and purging WHILE they were there, and before, and way before, THAT'S WHY I WASN'T READY, and man, I'm tired.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Now what?
The author of this blog has passed away, due to an overdosing on laxative pills.
Just kidding. I am alive.
Day one, woo hoo. The pain came at 7:30am, that familiar pain yups. Severe diarrhea and stomach pain three times? I would've continued in my mini-coma like last time I overdosed, sleeping until 2pm, goodness gracious. But my friend texted me. He needed to talk! So I was able to get up. Seriously, my mom calling me to get up was not working.
Offering table at church, drink lots of water and have one banana after much internal debate. Nap a tiny bit, freezing cold. Moment I got home, CRASH in bed but GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH another friend texted, needing help sorting sheet music at school. I had to go.
But before I went, mama FORCED me to eat lunch. I did not want much lunch, not on this day one of my new diet, but she got mad and then got really serious and scary and I still did it. She said... she feels like crying so hard, at what's happening to me in this family. She doesn't know how to help me, she feels hopeless. I need an eating disorder counselor, my current therapist is not working, she said. I confessed about the laxatives, just spat the words out. I was so angry, scared, frustrated, that I started laughing. I must be insane. Hey, instead of an eating disorder specialist, or behavior therapist, just drop me off at the asylum.
I still cannot digest these things. I avoid eye contact, I eat (not badly, today thank God) and without words, I numbly unconsciously chant "I don't believe this I don't believe this this isn't happening, this can't be happening, I don't like this at all please stop." I'm such a coward. I can't face anything. And I finally, finally cried for the first time in weeks.
Progress! I can cry again! Not too numb. I hope I burst into tears in some public spot and make a whole huge dramatic commotion.
Filing at school with friends was fun. My hair was not straightened, I was so much fatter than the last time they saw me, so I don't know what they thought. And my yearning to have a guy, just my guy, my future husband/fiancee, came back again, ahhh...
Moment I got home, CRASH in bed. Really sleep this time. I heard mama come in though, and I heard her... I think she just stood there and stared at me for some time. Touched my head too. And then I HAD to go to stupid, stupid choir practice so I had to eat dinner. Food is TOTALLY different to me from yesterday. It was a nightmare yesterday, it had control and numbed me. Today... I still abhor it, but it's not overwhelming. I'm tired.
Choir was as miserable as I thought it'd be. Wanted to cry, but great I didn't. Nap in the car as my mom shopped, and FINALLY can go home to sleep. But great, tomorrow we all have to get up early and now my mom's hounding me like I'm still 10 years old to go to bed, go to bed, blah blah blah.
I still wish, with my immature, naive little self... that someone out there could fix me.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... to fix you.
You sang so.
Just kidding. I am alive.
Day one, woo hoo. The pain came at 7:30am, that familiar pain yups. Severe diarrhea and stomach pain three times? I would've continued in my mini-coma like last time I overdosed, sleeping until 2pm, goodness gracious. But my friend texted me. He needed to talk! So I was able to get up. Seriously, my mom calling me to get up was not working.
Offering table at church, drink lots of water and have one banana after much internal debate. Nap a tiny bit, freezing cold. Moment I got home, CRASH in bed but GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH another friend texted, needing help sorting sheet music at school. I had to go.
But before I went, mama FORCED me to eat lunch. I did not want much lunch, not on this day one of my new diet, but she got mad and then got really serious and scary and I still did it. She said... she feels like crying so hard, at what's happening to me in this family. She doesn't know how to help me, she feels hopeless. I need an eating disorder counselor, my current therapist is not working, she said. I confessed about the laxatives, just spat the words out. I was so angry, scared, frustrated, that I started laughing. I must be insane. Hey, instead of an eating disorder specialist, or behavior therapist, just drop me off at the asylum.
I still cannot digest these things. I avoid eye contact, I eat (not badly, today thank God) and without words, I numbly unconsciously chant "I don't believe this I don't believe this this isn't happening, this can't be happening, I don't like this at all please stop." I'm such a coward. I can't face anything. And I finally, finally cried for the first time in weeks.
Progress! I can cry again! Not too numb. I hope I burst into tears in some public spot and make a whole huge dramatic commotion.
Filing at school with friends was fun. My hair was not straightened, I was so much fatter than the last time they saw me, so I don't know what they thought. And my yearning to have a guy, just my guy, my future husband/fiancee, came back again, ahhh...
Moment I got home, CRASH in bed. Really sleep this time. I heard mama come in though, and I heard her... I think she just stood there and stared at me for some time. Touched my head too. And then I HAD to go to stupid, stupid choir practice so I had to eat dinner. Food is TOTALLY different to me from yesterday. It was a nightmare yesterday, it had control and numbed me. Today... I still abhor it, but it's not overwhelming. I'm tired.
Choir was as miserable as I thought it'd be. Wanted to cry, but great I didn't. Nap in the car as my mom shopped, and FINALLY can go home to sleep. But great, tomorrow we all have to get up early and now my mom's hounding me like I'm still 10 years old to go to bed, go to bed, blah blah blah.
I still wish, with my immature, naive little self... that someone out there could fix me.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try... to fix you.
You sang so.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The End of the World
I am going out with a big bang today, the end of the world in terms of my bulimic days. From tomorrow, I will eat like the skinny, pretty, happy girl I used to be, no matter how scary it is and how hungry I get. I shall end this painfully stupid embarrassing day by listing everything I ate. And threw up.
Breakfast (free):
2 egg omelette with cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
1/2 grilled cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
Banana, walnut, chocolate chip pancake (last of the box mix) with maple syrup, uncooked pancake batter, butter, strawberry & mixed ice creams
Then my mom came in and I pretended I had only eaten a pancake. Continued to make and eat:
2 egg omelette (another) with the same stuff
Whole grilled cheese
Beans
--Commence purging--
Coco Puffs and oatmeal cereal
Two little Japanese mushroom chocolate things
Trident gum (I did not swallow it)
Lunch ($5+):
Hot Chocolate with whip cream
Raspberry cream cheese muffin (bad bad choice)
6 ice breakers
--no purging, surrounded by church friends--
Snack (free)
PBJ sandwich & half banana
Dinner (free):
White & brown rice
Chicken & celery
Beet greens
Bean sprouts mixed with egg
Miso soup
Furikake
Insanity (6:30 to... hm no? 10:40):
Rolo McFlurry ($2.84)
Cream filled chocolate donut, sprinkle donut, poppyseed muffin ($3.75)
--Commence purging in library bathroom--
(I can go from feeling totally sick and the food coming up my throat to fine in three minutes like that)
Coca Cola ($1.25)
Lucky's slice of some kind of cake that made me wanna die while eating the last bites ($3.99)
M&M's ($.50)
Donut (?)
--Commence purging in Target bathroom--while mama calls and asks where I am--
(Geez. Written down sounds even stupider. I was possessed)
Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza (?)
Cherry & Raspberry & Cherry Cola mixed slurpee (?)
Sprite ($1.49)
--Commence purging in Target bathroom again--
--Commence downing laxative pills for the purpose of feeling empty tomorrow, and going through agony throughout the night to prove to myself I will not tolerate weight gain, and this is truly the end of being this fat. Forever. Second time reduced to taking these. Oh, ($3.89)
Two slices of buttered toast with cheese (free)
Some more laxatives
Cup of cereal (free)
Handfuls of walnuts (free, now my mouth hurts)
Some more laxatives
Half banana
--No more purging allowed because I took the pills. Don't want to bring them up and render them useless. I'm surprised at how much I can down, myself. Purging feels so relieving. Disgusting, sickening, but yeah happy to get rid of it.
So... the last time I used laxatives, March 21st (the "real" end of the world") I lost count of how many I took (one whole box, had to buy another different bottle) and it took hours and hours to kick in! I think only the second kind worked, because I may have thrown up the first ones. Oops. Well, exactly six hours after the second type, and overdosing on purpose on those, the pain came. Oh, man. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. Every two hours or so, going to the bathroom. I didn't know how much was inside me. And agonizing stomach pain. It went on until 2PM, I was shocked. Must've gone into a mini coma or something, and I wasn't freaking out after. Sure, glad I was alive, and stupidly proud to have gone through that because obviously, I'm unconsciously trying to do every little stupid horrible thing an anorexic/bulimic can do before I try to recover.
I have to recover for my future husband. Gosh darns it. I have to.
I dunno what'll happen tonight. Sigh. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I have no idea how much I weigh, but my clothes hardly fit and I can't stand being with seen by school friends and church friends, so tomorrow if I survive the hopefully coming excruciating agony (though if I was hospitalized, that would cross off another thing on my bulimic to-do list! I've always wanted to be hospitalized. The easier way out and easy way of losing weight. Be given everything you're supposed to eat.) and then exercise like crazy, eat little, and become my favorite past stable weight of 100 - 105 ish. I can't wait. Though it'll be hard. And this time I have to obey my therapist and do the therapy, or else this nightmarish cycle will repeat for the rest of my life, like it has been for years.
I'm super numb (emotionally, not physically) because of all the bingeing and purging (that's the point of it, like I realized Sunday) but tomorrow morning, I hope I'm raw. I hope I successfully kick away my food shield. I hope I cry and feel the fear, and get over it because my friends are here to help me.
Breakfast (free):
2 egg omelette with cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
1/2 grilled cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
Banana, walnut, chocolate chip pancake (last of the box mix) with maple syrup, uncooked pancake batter, butter, strawberry & mixed ice creams
Then my mom came in and I pretended I had only eaten a pancake. Continued to make and eat:
2 egg omelette (another) with the same stuff
Whole grilled cheese
Beans
--Commence purging--
Coco Puffs and oatmeal cereal
Two little Japanese mushroom chocolate things
Trident gum (I did not swallow it)
Lunch ($5+):
Hot Chocolate with whip cream
Raspberry cream cheese muffin (bad bad choice)
6 ice breakers
--no purging, surrounded by church friends--
Snack (free)
PBJ sandwich & half banana
Dinner (free):
White & brown rice
Chicken & celery
Beet greens
Bean sprouts mixed with egg
Miso soup
Furikake
Insanity (6:30 to... hm no? 10:40):
Rolo McFlurry ($2.84)
Cream filled chocolate donut, sprinkle donut, poppyseed muffin ($3.75)
--Commence purging in library bathroom--
(I can go from feeling totally sick and the food coming up my throat to fine in three minutes like that)
Coca Cola ($1.25)
Lucky's slice of some kind of cake that made me wanna die while eating the last bites ($3.99)
M&M's ($.50)
Donut (?)
--Commence purging in Target bathroom--while mama calls and asks where I am--
(Geez. Written down sounds even stupider. I was possessed)
Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza (?)
Cherry & Raspberry & Cherry Cola mixed slurpee (?)
Sprite ($1.49)
--Commence purging in Target bathroom again--
--Commence downing laxative pills for the purpose of feeling empty tomorrow, and going through agony throughout the night to prove to myself I will not tolerate weight gain, and this is truly the end of being this fat. Forever. Second time reduced to taking these. Oh, ($3.89)
Two slices of buttered toast with cheese (free)
Some more laxatives
Cup of cereal (free)
Handfuls of walnuts (free, now my mouth hurts)
Some more laxatives
Half banana
--No more purging allowed because I took the pills. Don't want to bring them up and render them useless. I'm surprised at how much I can down, myself. Purging feels so relieving. Disgusting, sickening, but yeah happy to get rid of it.
So... the last time I used laxatives, March 21st (the "real" end of the world") I lost count of how many I took (one whole box, had to buy another different bottle) and it took hours and hours to kick in! I think only the second kind worked, because I may have thrown up the first ones. Oops. Well, exactly six hours after the second type, and overdosing on purpose on those, the pain came. Oh, man. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. Every two hours or so, going to the bathroom. I didn't know how much was inside me. And agonizing stomach pain. It went on until 2PM, I was shocked. Must've gone into a mini coma or something, and I wasn't freaking out after. Sure, glad I was alive, and stupidly proud to have gone through that because obviously, I'm unconsciously trying to do every little stupid horrible thing an anorexic/bulimic can do before I try to recover.
I have to recover for my future husband. Gosh darns it. I have to.
I dunno what'll happen tonight. Sigh. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I have no idea how much I weigh, but my clothes hardly fit and I can't stand being with seen by school friends and church friends, so tomorrow if I survive the hopefully coming excruciating agony (though if I was hospitalized, that would cross off another thing on my bulimic to-do list! I've always wanted to be hospitalized. The easier way out and easy way of losing weight. Be given everything you're supposed to eat.) and then exercise like crazy, eat little, and become my favorite past stable weight of 100 - 105 ish. I can't wait. Though it'll be hard. And this time I have to obey my therapist and do the therapy, or else this nightmarish cycle will repeat for the rest of my life, like it has been for years.
I'm super numb (emotionally, not physically) because of all the bingeing and purging (that's the point of it, like I realized Sunday) but tomorrow morning, I hope I'm raw. I hope I successfully kick away my food shield. I hope I cry and feel the fear, and get over it because my friends are here to help me.
Can't Sleep
I will not surrender.
Why can't I sleep? I slept until 2am, then BAM wide awake. So I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince. I downloaded "Fiction" Beast's new song. And am planning today in my head. I miss my school friends. I know One Heart Camp is going to be oh so hard again, like always. I pray this time I can focus on my group, on growing, on giving my all to every one of my brothers and sisters, instead of focusing on my stupid disorder, as well as only one person.
The path to recovery is so hard.
But I can't not take it, there's only one path. I might take a super long time, complaining, whining, throwing up, crying, feeling hopeless, yet feeling absolutely joy, love, support and care at the same time... but I will eventually see the end of this long, tiring, unbelievable disorder, yups. And then, the road to real life begins :)
I WILL NOT SURRENDER.
Today looks so cold, it's not a good day to go to the beach :( I hope Santa Cruz is warmer. I will be skinny again so the next time we go to the beach I will wear whatever I want and feel pretty again. I wonder who my husband will be.
Why can't I sleep? I slept until 2am, then BAM wide awake. So I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince. I downloaded "Fiction" Beast's new song. And am planning today in my head. I miss my school friends. I know One Heart Camp is going to be oh so hard again, like always. I pray this time I can focus on my group, on growing, on giving my all to every one of my brothers and sisters, instead of focusing on my stupid disorder, as well as only one person.
The path to recovery is so hard.
But I can't not take it, there's only one path. I might take a super long time, complaining, whining, throwing up, crying, feeling hopeless, yet feeling absolutely joy, love, support and care at the same time... but I will eventually see the end of this long, tiring, unbelievable disorder, yups. And then, the road to real life begins :)
I WILL NOT SURRENDER.
Today looks so cold, it's not a good day to go to the beach :( I hope Santa Cruz is warmer. I will be skinny again so the next time we go to the beach I will wear whatever I want and feel pretty again. I wonder who my husband will be.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Hm, maybe I should officially make this a bulimic's blog
I'm getting so good at purging, I can do it in the bathroom in my house! My sister's in the NEXT room listening to music on the laptop, my dad's on the phone in the living room, my other sister and mom are cooking in the kitchen.
Today was supposed to be the last day, but I think it changed to tomorrow. Because...
Being sick like this costs lots of my personal money.
I'm so numb, so numb... oh! That Linkin Park song I used to love so much. I can't believe how true it is. Sort of? Hm. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa Cruz. I daydreamed for so many years of the day I could wear anything I want, and feel really, really cute, pretty, skinny, and confident. For someone to ask me out on a date. Even though it's stupid. I'm so desperate to get matched (engaged) and to find THE ONE, but because of this stupid disorder and numbness, I had to tell my mom "no," for this time. It's this weekend. I couldn't.
Today was supposed to be the last day, but I think it changed to tomorrow. Because...
Being sick like this costs lots of my personal money.
I'm so numb, so numb... oh! That Linkin Park song I used to love so much. I can't believe how true it is. Sort of? Hm. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa Cruz. I daydreamed for so many years of the day I could wear anything I want, and feel really, really cute, pretty, skinny, and confident. For someone to ask me out on a date. Even though it's stupid. I'm so desperate to get matched (engaged) and to find THE ONE, but because of this stupid disorder and numbness, I had to tell my mom "no," for this time. It's this weekend. I couldn't.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Bulimia, a recurring nightmare
Fatso. Fatso. Fatso. It's finally summer and you have to go and ruin the body you finally liked for ONCE in your life. Why, why why can't you listen to your therapist? Do the therapy! Let go of the anger! GET BETTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
You suck. You are such... omg. You faking, mask-wearing, freak!
It's finally your favorite season. Heat, sun, short shorts, dresses, tanks! And YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR STUPID GAG REFLEX WORE OUT AND YOU COULDN'T STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN, STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID!!! That's all I feel like screaming right now. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPID GIRL.
This is the past all over again. Yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing 30 pounds every month. STUPID, STUPID, why do you want to go through that again. Stupid. What about the matching and Blessing. You can't say you're prepared to be engaged and married in this state. When food makes you late for class, band practice, keeps you from finishing music projects for the one you've loved for five years. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE POSSESSED. YOU'RE NUMB. YOU'RE A COWARD, DECIDING TO EAT AND PURGE TO NUMB EVERYTHING THAT'S TOO SCARY TO FACE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU COWARD, COWARD!!!!!!!!! FOOLISH, STUPID, IMMATURE, FAT, FAT, UGLY, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT PIG. You make me sick. Literally.
Why can't you be un-numb? UNSTICK THE DAMN EMERGENCY NUMB BUTTON, YOU IDIOT. Decide to feel fear, stress, anger, anxiety, jealousy, disappointment. You can't feel happiness, love, hope, excitement, satisfaction without feeling the bad emotions. You can't even cry anymore, God damn it. You're really, really screwed up this time. I want to just... I want to just grab you by the neck and shake you, GAH.
I have to do more important things. But I'm not through with you yet, you're going to pay for what you've done, double time.
You suck. You are such... omg. You faking, mask-wearing, freak!
It's finally your favorite season. Heat, sun, short shorts, dresses, tanks! And YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR STUPID GAG REFLEX WORE OUT AND YOU COULDN'T STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN, STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID!!! That's all I feel like screaming right now. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPID GIRL.
This is the past all over again. Yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing 30 pounds every month. STUPID, STUPID, why do you want to go through that again. Stupid. What about the matching and Blessing. You can't say you're prepared to be engaged and married in this state. When food makes you late for class, band practice, keeps you from finishing music projects for the one you've loved for five years. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE POSSESSED. YOU'RE NUMB. YOU'RE A COWARD, DECIDING TO EAT AND PURGE TO NUMB EVERYTHING THAT'S TOO SCARY TO FACE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU COWARD, COWARD!!!!!!!!! FOOLISH, STUPID, IMMATURE, FAT, FAT, UGLY, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT PIG. You make me sick. Literally.
Why can't you be un-numb? UNSTICK THE DAMN EMERGENCY NUMB BUTTON, YOU IDIOT. Decide to feel fear, stress, anger, anxiety, jealousy, disappointment. You can't feel happiness, love, hope, excitement, satisfaction without feeling the bad emotions. You can't even cry anymore, God damn it. You're really, really screwed up this time. I want to just... I want to just grab you by the neck and shake you, GAH.
I have to do more important things. But I'm not through with you yet, you're going to pay for what you've done, double time.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Epiphany
I had one today. After reading a couple good books, I'm realizing lots of things, and maybe even digging deep enough to find that first day, the true reason behind this debilitating disorder. It's nerve-rackingly eye opening, but liberating. Am I really figuring out my past? Can I actually move forward soon...????
Friday, February 4, 2011
New Year
Come on... come on...
Leave me alone please.
Come on.
For how long do you need to control me.
Steal my time and life from me.
How many years have you taken away already!!!
What did I do!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
LEAVE ME BE!!!!
I have so many things I want to do!! Stop, stop doing this to me, I don't want to care anymore, I don't!!!! How am I supposed to go on like this, because I can't, I can't go like this forever you know. I'm not gonna let you, you... you... just leave me alone!!! There are so many things that I want to be able to do, okay, so go away, go away just leave me alone please... How am I supposed to study abroad to Japan? What about visiting family in Wales? Traveling? Become a flight attendant? Huh? How, like this, TELL ME! How am I supposed to be ready for the matching and blessing, ever, like this... I've been trying so hard... I'm already 20... in the end it's me and only me who's going to get through it, and that's why it's so scary to be alone. I don't know how long it'll take, if it ever happens.
You keep stealing my dreams. How many more do you want to take.
I want them BACK.
It'll never be as bad as a couple years ago, it can never be as bad as that though sometimes it'd be more simpler if I returned to that... but all this progress, I don't want to waste it, I don't want to do a 180 but I doooooooonn'tt please, I do not, I'll do anything to not end up... end up... that.
Where are You, God?
Leave me alone please.
Come on.
For how long do you need to control me.
Steal my time and life from me.
How many years have you taken away already!!!
What did I do!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
LEAVE ME BE!!!!
I have so many things I want to do!! Stop, stop doing this to me, I don't want to care anymore, I don't!!!! How am I supposed to go on like this, because I can't, I can't go like this forever you know. I'm not gonna let you, you... you... just leave me alone!!! There are so many things that I want to be able to do, okay, so go away, go away just leave me alone please... How am I supposed to study abroad to Japan? What about visiting family in Wales? Traveling? Become a flight attendant? Huh? How, like this, TELL ME! How am I supposed to be ready for the matching and blessing, ever, like this... I've been trying so hard... I'm already 20... in the end it's me and only me who's going to get through it, and that's why it's so scary to be alone. I don't know how long it'll take, if it ever happens.
You keep stealing my dreams. How many more do you want to take.
I want them BACK.
It'll never be as bad as a couple years ago, it can never be as bad as that though sometimes it'd be more simpler if I returned to that... but all this progress, I don't want to waste it, I don't want to do a 180 but I doooooooonn'tt please, I do not, I'll do anything to not end up... end up... that.
Where are You, God?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Back from Florida
With so many friends and people out there
Even complete strangers that I've never met
Only know through YouTube and playing piano
They are all supporting, praying, and thinking of me
Why do I feel utterly alone and terrified once again?
Even complete strangers that I've never met
Only know through YouTube and playing piano
They are all supporting, praying, and thinking of me
Why do I feel utterly alone and terrified once again?
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