The End of the World

I am going out with a big bang today, the end of the world in terms of my bulimic days. From tomorrow, I will eat like the skinny, pretty, happy girl I used to be, no matter how scary it is and how hungry I get. I shall end this painfully stupid embarrassing day by listing everything I ate. And threw up.

Breakfast (free):
2 egg omelette with cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
1/2 grilled cheese w/ ketchup, spaghetti sauce, salsa
Banana, walnut, chocolate chip pancake (last of the box mix) with maple syrup, uncooked pancake batter, butter, strawberry & mixed ice creams

Then my mom came in and I pretended I had only eaten a pancake. Continued to make and eat:
2 egg omelette (another) with the same stuff
Whole grilled cheese
Beans

--Commence purging--

Coco Puffs and oatmeal cereal
Two little Japanese mushroom chocolate things
Trident gum (I did not swallow it)

Lunch ($5+):
Hot Chocolate with whip cream
Raspberry cream cheese muffin (bad bad choice)
6 ice breakers

--no purging, surrounded by church friends--

Snack (free)
PBJ sandwich & half banana

Dinner (free):
White & brown rice
Chicken & celery
Beet greens
Bean sprouts mixed with egg
Miso soup
Furikake

Insanity (6:30 to... hm no? 10:40):
Rolo McFlurry ($2.84)
Cream filled chocolate donut, sprinkle donut, poppyseed muffin ($3.75)

--Commence purging in library bathroom--
(I can go from feeling totally sick and the food coming up my throat to fine in three minutes like that)

Coca Cola ($1.25)
Lucky's slice of some kind of cake that made me wanna die while eating the last bites ($3.99)
M&M's ($.50)
Donut (?)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom--while mama calls and asks where I am--
(Geez. Written down sounds even stupider. I was possessed)

Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza (?)
Cherry & Raspberry & Cherry Cola mixed slurpee (?)
Sprite ($1.49)

--Commence purging in Target bathroom again--
--Commence downing laxative pills for the purpose of feeling empty tomorrow, and going through agony throughout the night to prove to myself I will not tolerate weight gain, and this is truly the end of being this fat. Forever. Second time reduced to taking these. Oh, ($3.89)

Two slices of buttered toast with cheese (free)
Some more laxatives
Cup of cereal (free)
Handfuls of walnuts (free, now my mouth hurts)
Some more laxatives
Half banana

--No more purging allowed because I took the pills. Don't want to bring them up and render them useless. I'm surprised at how much I can down, myself. Purging feels so relieving. Disgusting, sickening, but yeah happy to get rid of it.

So... the last time I used laxatives, March 21st (the "real" end of the world") I lost count of how many I took (one whole box, had to buy another different bottle) and it took hours and hours to kick in! I think only the second kind worked, because I may have thrown up the first ones. Oops. Well, exactly six hours after the second type, and overdosing on purpose on those, the pain came. Oh, man. It hurt. I thought I was going to die. Every two hours or so, going to the bathroom. I didn't know how much was inside me. And agonizing stomach pain. It went on until 2PM, I was shocked. Must've gone into a mini coma or something, and I wasn't freaking out after. Sure, glad I was alive, and stupidly proud to have gone through that because obviously, I'm unconsciously trying to do every little stupid horrible thing an anorexic/bulimic can do before I try to recover.

I have to recover for my future husband. Gosh darns it. I have to.

I dunno what'll happen tonight. Sigh. I'm stupid. I'm hopeless. I have no idea how much I weigh, but my clothes hardly fit and I can't stand being with seen by school friends and church friends, so tomorrow if I survive the hopefully coming excruciating agony (though if I was hospitalized, that would cross off another thing on my bulimic to-do list! I've always wanted to be hospitalized. The easier way out and easy way of losing weight. Be given everything you're supposed to eat.) and then exercise like crazy, eat little, and become my favorite past stable weight of 100 - 105 ish. I can't wait. Though it'll be hard. And this time I have to obey my therapist and do the therapy, or else this nightmarish cycle will repeat for the rest of my life, like it has been for years.

I'm super numb (emotionally, not physically) because of all the bingeing and purging (that's the point of it, like I realized Sunday) but tomorrow morning, I hope I'm raw. I hope I successfully kick away my food shield. I hope I cry and feel the fear, and get over it because my friends are here to help me.

Can't Sleep

I will not surrender.

Why can't I sleep? I slept until 2am, then BAM wide awake. So I watched the last episode of Coffee Prince. I downloaded "Fiction" Beast's new song. And am planning today in my head. I miss my school friends. I know One Heart Camp is going to be oh so hard again, like always. I pray this time I can focus on my group, on growing, on giving my all to every one of my brothers and sisters, instead of focusing on my stupid disorder, as well as only one person.

The path to recovery is so hard.
But I can't not take it, there's only one path. I might take a super long time, complaining, whining, throwing up, crying, feeling hopeless, yet feeling absolutely joy, love, support and care at the same time... but I will eventually see the end of this long, tiring, unbelievable disorder, yups. And then, the road to real life begins :)

I WILL NOT SURRENDER.

Today looks so cold, it's not a good day to go to the beach :( I hope Santa Cruz is warmer. I will be skinny again so the next time we go to the beach I will wear whatever I want and feel pretty again. I wonder who my husband will be.

Hm, maybe I should officially make this a bulimic's blog

I'm getting so good at purging, I can do it in the bathroom in my house! My sister's in the NEXT room listening to music on the laptop, my dad's on the phone in the living room, my other sister and mom are cooking in the kitchen.

Today was supposed to be the last day, but I think it changed to tomorrow. Because...

Being sick like this costs lots of my personal money.

I'm so numb, so numb... oh! That Linkin Park song I used to love so much. I can't believe how true it is. Sort of? Hm. Tomorrow I'm going to Santa Cruz. I daydreamed for so many years of the day I could wear anything I want, and feel really, really cute, pretty, skinny, and confident. For someone to ask me out on a date. Even though it's stupid. I'm so desperate to get matched (engaged) and to find THE ONE, but because of this stupid disorder and numbness, I had to tell my mom "no," for this time. It's this weekend. I couldn't.

Bulimia, a recurring nightmare

Fatso. Fatso. Fatso. It's finally summer and you have to go and ruin the body you finally liked for ONCE in your life. Why, why why can't you listen to your therapist? Do the therapy! Let go of the anger! GET BETTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

You suck. You are such... omg. You faking, mask-wearing, freak!

It's finally your favorite season. Heat, sun, short shorts, dresses, tanks! And YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR STUPID GAG REFLEX WORE OUT AND YOU COULDN'T STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN, STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID!!! That's all I feel like screaming right now. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPID GIRL.

This is the past all over again. Yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing 30 pounds every month. STUPID, STUPID, why do you want to go through that again. Stupid. What about the matching and Blessing. You can't say you're prepared to be engaged and married in this state. When food makes you late for class, band practice, keeps you from finishing music projects for the one you've loved for five years. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE POSSESSED. YOU'RE NUMB. YOU'RE A COWARD, DECIDING TO EAT AND PURGE TO NUMB EVERYTHING THAT'S TOO SCARY TO FACE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU COWARD, COWARD!!!!!!!!! FOOLISH, STUPID, IMMATURE, FAT, FAT, UGLY, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT PIG. You make me sick. Literally.

Why can't you be un-numb? UNSTICK THE DAMN EMERGENCY NUMB BUTTON, YOU IDIOT. Decide to feel fear, stress, anger, anxiety, jealousy, disappointment. You can't feel happiness, love, hope, excitement, satisfaction without feeling the bad emotions. You can't even cry anymore, God damn it. You're really, really screwed up this time. I want to just... I want to just grab you by the neck and shake you, GAH.

I have to do more important things. But I'm not through with you yet, you're going to pay for what you've done, double time.