Everyone's comments touched my core... how you guys care about me, it made me cry. I still can't believe I have so many supporters and friends all around the world, actually concerned about me, some girl they've never met.
I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.
But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.
Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.
My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3
Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.
And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3
But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.
I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.
My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?
I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...
Owl City - Meteor Shower
What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...
But... I WILL.
