In the Middle.

Stay or go. New York music internship for three months, or stay in school, where everything is provided for this fall semester. School started three days ago. Everything's perfect, except for the most painful component... him. Two bands with him. And mutual friends. Feel like I'm tearing in half when I'm around him, seeing what I SHOULD be doing, would be doing if it were last semester. I have no time and I have to decide. I'm trying not to be selfish, open to God and hearing what He wants. Most of the points are going to school but something about NY still haunts me. I need to buy my textbooks, focus in school, practice for bands, get my head in the game, get over him and become a normal friend again lest I writhe in vain alone. Or run away and go to NY in October, after half the semester in the bands and even play in one concert. Hate living on the wall like this...

But today was awesome. ALLNIGHTER at my friend's church, CTF in the pitch black park, "Have you ever" "Deer Hunter," "Quelf" XD Piano, sardines, hot sauce fight, three cups of coffee, dead skunks gah... slept at 4:30 for three hours, then breakfast at Carrow's for other friend's birthday yay! SOOOOO FUNNNNNN I LOVE THEM. And my diet's going fine, for a total of three days. Hours of gym, under-control food, music, friends, family too! Feel a balance shaping. Somehow, if I stay in school where I feel i belong so much (until my heart just crumbles while watching him laugh and smile for everyone else) and I just can't give this all up, then I need to beg for my job back at Eon, where I went for my first day and quit that day. But women's history professor is terrifying... but I have SEVEN friends in that class, OMG <3

If I wrote a note to God... and put my heart out on the page... what would I tell Him? If I knew He would truly, absolutely read it. I know He's out there. Forever I will know it in my heart, I can never deny it. But I just can't feel Him and His presence, guidance these days. This decision is killing me, Lord, please show me the way. Do You want me to stay or go? Which would be best for my family, my friends, for You, and even for me...? Please, I am trying to open my heart. I am counting points for each side. But no matter how many points school has, NY just HAUNTS me. But it's so equal, it's a tug of war and time's run out.

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The motion sensor lights went off when I played piano too stiffly for too long, and I was surprised at how much easier, so much easier it is to sing in the dark by myself.

Life sucks at this moment.

Yesterday was wonderful. Boardwalk with school friends. Saw him for the first time in a month, I was terrified, but it went okay. Didn't speak to him directly once. We both waved at the same time, then I had to ignore him else I reattach myself to him, and he respectfully kept his distance for me. Of course now my heart is in a million pieces and I've been singing one song all afternoon, alone at school.

Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.

Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.

But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.

- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj