w-inds.のリーダーへ

橘慶太さん!!!

お誕生日おめでとう!!!!!!!!!
世界中の男性で一番高い声の歌手!!!　XD
w-inds.の歌ピアノで弾きたかったけど｡｡｡　昨日はジュンスオッパのお誕生日だったから時間は全部そのために使って｡｡｡　アアごめんなさい!!!!!　；＿；　でもw-inds.の歌はむずかしくて私トライしても出来ないの｡｡｡　＞＜；　

慶太さん、　そして明日のお誕生日の龍一さん｡｡｡　お誕生日おめでとう!!!!!!　<3333333


-----------------------EDIT---
エエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエエ
何で何でエエエエエ
紅白に来ないのオオオ!!!!？？？？？？？　

；＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿；

二度と会えないと思う人へ

ジュンスオッパ、　お誕生日おめでとう！！　
ずっとずっと幸せにいてね？　＝）
みんなおうえんしてるから。
みんなはジュンスオッパのことが好きから｡
ジュンスオッパは世界中歌手一番だから　♥

いつも歌って､　踊って､　歌を書いて、　あたしたちに笑顔をあげて。。。

本当にありがとう､　ジュンスオッパ。

생일 축하합니다 준수오빠!!!
사랑해요 ♥♥♥

私にはピアノしか出来ないから｡｡｡
ピアノを弾きました､　ジュンスオッパのために｡

-　どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう
（東方神起のキレイな歌だから）
-　그 아픔까지 사랑한거야　(Piano Version)
（ジュンスオッパはいつもアカペラで歌うから；　ジュンスオッパの声がめちゃめちゃキレイだから､　この歌を好きになってしまった　＾＾）
- 그 아픔까지 사랑한거야　(Accomp)
(ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　나 항상그대를 (Piano Vers)
（ジュンスオッパがチョウ可愛い演奏したから）
-　팀의 사랑합니다 (Piano Accomp)
（ジュンスオッパが歌ったから）
-　Beautiful Thing (Piano Tutorial)
（ジュンスオッパと東方神起の歌をみんなと弾きたいから、　みんなで､　東方神起のために）
-　Beautiful Thing (Piano Accomp)
（ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから。　東方神起のも）
-　ジャンリーインとジュンスオッパの　（TIMELESS　ピアノアコンパニ）
（ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　ジュンスオッパの　RAINY　NIGHT　（ピアノアコンパニー）
（この歌は本当に好きしい､　ジュンスオッパのピアニストになりたいから）
-　노을.. 바라보다 (Picture of You) Piano Version
（この歌はめちゃキレイと好きしい、　東方神起のピアニストになりたいから）

이지훈와 신혜성의 인형을 치고 싶은데... 못했어요... 시간이 없어서... 미안해요... 아디션에 했는데, 준수오빠...

このものはジュンスオッパにあげたいものです｡｡｡
心をジュンスオッパのもとへ届け｡｡｡


------------------------
私､　家族でいつも紅白歌合戦を見るので､　今年東方神起が来ると聞いたとき。。。　オモ嬉しいいいいいいいいいよオオ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!　びっくりして､　おどろいて｡｡｡　キャアアアアアアアアアアア!!!!!　待てらんない!!!!!　XXXDDDD　

東方神起の紅白の演奏をお楽しみに待っています!!!
東方神起 화이팅!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
がんばって!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!　♥♥♥

JUNSU-OPPA'S BDAY TODAY IN KOREA

OMG!!!
It's tomorrow today in Korea, but it's still the 14th in America! I want to call out at the top of my lungs,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNSU-OPPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
터질 듯한 가슴이 그대를 부르고 있어!!!

Tomorrow in America... just wait...!!!
♥

David Archuleta at the Sacramento Jingle Ball

My Jingle Ball concert experience =)

All morning yesterday I was freaking out and running around the house, packing, repacking, deciding what to wear, making sure I had everything... GAH!! I've never been to a real concert before (the one in Korea was odd... and UNFAIR!) and DAVID ARCHULETA OMG! I've never dreamed I'd be able to see him in person much less have a chance to MEET HIM!!

My friend Naomi (Davidismyangel) was SO NICE AND BROUGHT ME WITH HER!!!!!!!! We live two hours away from Sacramento so we left at 11:20 LOL. On the way, she told me a lot of stuff about David I didn't know (I'm a big fan, but... I'm not "fanatic" yet... I LOVE DAVID)
- He had a paralyzed vocal chord for a couple years and it was hard for him to breathe, let alone sing and talk omg! But through vocal therapy he got better yay!
- In an interview he randomly pointed outside to the building that said "Arch" XD
- Once he mentioned liking Nutter Butters, that's all he got LOL!! Finding Nemo plushies too!!!
- His fish is named Conditioner!? And a fan gave him a fish and said "here's shampoo!" LOL
- He loves keeping in contact with fans, and makes new messages to send out through phone every week!! Naomi let me listen to the latest one <3 OMG I WANT MESSAGES TOO.
- During the AI tour, while other singers stayed out to meet fans for like a lil bit, he stayed out for like an hour and a half in the blistering heat, signing things, taking pictures, giving hugs. Even when his handler said they had to go inside. When they started dragging him off, he ran down the line of fans and gave them all high fives because he couldn't stay anymore!! AW OMG!!!!! <33333333
- He went to Miley Cyrus' birthday in Disneyland.
- He won for "Most Fanatical Fans" because Arch Angels voted every day for him, with all their email addresses lol!!! He got the most votes for an award out of EVERYONE!!

I felt kinda bad, because while I called myself a fan, I didn't know any of this ><; I don't follow fansites 24/7 and stuff... I'd feel bad about it if I did that because well, I do have school and stuff to do. It's not STALKING him, but omg! Some people really, really love him and follow him so closely... ^^; Naomi!! XD

We went to McDonald's and Naomi bought him an ARCH CARD!!!!!! XD
She also bought him a shirt (PERFECT), hat, and scarf for his birthday!!! We're gonna split the money four ways, with two other Arch Angels who couldn't come...
I brought him something too... this glass jar of paper stars that I made, with a letter inside. It's like a useless present, but I didn't know what else to make/buy/give...

We got to the Arco Arena parking area around 2:30? The concert started at 7 so we were kinda early, WITH PURPOSE!!!! TO MEET DAVID ARCHULETA OUTSIDE!!!!! But we didn't really know what to do. There was a group of people in the parking lot standing around, so we went over (I followed behind Naomi lol...) and it was awkward and we didn't know what to say... but the lady came over and said:

"Are you David Archuleta fans too?"

OMG!!!! ARCH ANGELS YESSHHH!!!!!!
We hung with them. I couldn't believe like, older ladies loved him too, like, this much...!! They had his album in their purses, signs (I'm DESPERATE TO BE WITH YOU!) (I <3 David) and t-shirts omg!! Naomi made a sign herself too, and it says "I'm just a little too not over you David" XD

I'm getting like really nervous and excited and scared at the same time, because at any minute David might come outside!!! There are quite a lot of fans here, waiting four hours (some six) before the show... but we really needed to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't one around O_o; But the others said he had a backstage interview at 3, so he wouldn't be coming around then. So we waited 15 minutes, then at 3:04 we rushed to the nearest shopping mall building and went to the bathroom at this weird Indian store and then rushed back. I was TERRIFIED THAT WE MISSED HIM!!!

But no, we didn't.
But then this blue shuttle van pulled up and this guy that looked nothing like David Archuleta came out but I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't tell and I like, slapped Naomi and we both got freaked out like OMG here he is!! But it WASN'T and I felt so embarrassed omg...

His name was Eugene, from DENVER COLORADO OMG. Just flew in and will fly out tomorrow morning!!! O_O; Crazy crazy... but he was there for Jesse McCartney, who's he's met a few times and got backstage passes from the fanclub AGH!

It was cold. Super cold. And we waited, sitting on the curb. It was super far from the building I dunno why I didn't think of it before. How could he even see us? What were we thinking!!! I was sad =(

The parking lot opened and this lady (CRAZY MEAN) CUT US OFF TOTALLY, but the person after us BEEPED AT HER BEHIND and let us get in...=) We parked, went up to the building, and felt completely lost. What were we supposed to do? Everyone looked really... unfriendly to me. And there was a line for something, but what for? We just stood around, then walked away and looked for... I dunno.

Everyone here looks like... scary to me. I never come out into the real world I guess. Just shopping once in a while. But today, I was smack in the middle. Like everyone knows how to make themselves look their best with makeup, hair, clothes, accessories... and i'm like the hermit homeschooled moonie =\ i felt judged? nervous. but i know that all i have to do is be myself... still it's hard...

We signed up for upgraded seats! you could even sit on stage but we didn't do that one ^^ We met two fans from Marin! And we kind of wander around outside looking fo a way inside to run to David XD But this security dude wearing purple on a bike made us go back to line.

While listening to 107.9, we stood freezing (Naomi was shivering!!!!) for an hour waiting to go inside. I felt sorry for Naomi's mom, who drove us and was standing with us... it was really cold! Couldn't feel my hands... but OMG SO WORTH IT. They played an interview with David while we were waiting!!!!! :D

Then around 6, they started letting us in. First security. We were stopped right away with "What's this!?"

"It's a gift, for David Archuleta!"
"David who?"
"ARCHULETA!!" O____________o;

We ended up giving our gifts to this security lady, who said she'd give them to him... I'm so worried!!!! I hope it gets to him I'm afraid... Naomi included a postcard with her address on it, so if he sends it back *beggingprayingpleadingomgpleaaaase!* it's confirmation that he received them!!! =)

OUR SEATS WERE H AND HOMG WE WERE SO CLOSE!!! (the usher made us sit in M for some reason, but Naomi noticed and we moved up to our real seats yay!) We were like squealing to ourselves and while Naomi got dinner I Sat and stared in awe at everything. I couldn't believe I was at a real concert!!! it was huge! There was a dude on the lights waaaay up there, doing something whoa! And I was like...

1) I wish I could be a backup person, doing stage things. I could see the whole show, plus be close to the stars!
2) I wish I could be a security guard. I could take gifts to the singers!
3) I wish I could be the STAR, singing to thousands of people. You just start clapping and everyone will follow. If you jump, they jump. They scream and cheer for you, SING ALONG TO YOUR SONG. It seems so amazing... dreamlike... omgoodness *sigh*
4) I wish I could be the band for the singer. Especially, yup the most. David Archuleta's pianist or something!! <3 *DREAMING*

There was this screen where it said text messages of fans in the building, and they said like "marry me" and "david's awesome" and stuff, and I remember one said "David Archuleta is a sexy beaaast!!" XD LOL I think he's way more of an adorable cute ANGEL <3 And we have the same birthday! <333

At 6:45, the people from 107.9 The End made us scream,
"HI DAVID ARCHULETA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OMG <333333333333333333


It started at 7 I think, with Shantel (sp?). I had never heard of her at all, and her perfomance was not my type, but it was okay since WE ARE AT A CONCERT XD I was glad my parents weren't there, they would like... tsk and get a headache and maybe even drag me out!!!! HAHA XD

So for each set (perfer) one person won seats on the stage for herself and three friends! They were lucky, but I dunno if I'd rather be there or here =\ Anyway, the music was so loud, but the sound was SO GOOD because all I'm used to is awful bassy stuff at church (actually, that's only when i play ><;) and weird mics that make you sound bad and stuff. This concert was like an awesome dream. Perfect sound, nice lights, awesome view of the stage (from our spot anyway! XD) AMAZING <3

This one song that she sang "for all the sexy sexy men" there *err... ><;* got everyone's cell phones out, and they were waving them! It was SO COOL!!!!!!! Cell phones like stars, waving... 8,000 people!!!!!! ♥

2nd performer after a ten-fifteen minute break while they set up was Boys Like Girls, also after a backstage mini video thing. I had no idea who they were either, but it was cool... even if they did curse a little bit.

They threw picks and WATER BOTTLES, OPEN AND SPILLING into the crowd OMG!!!!!!!!!! I wanted a pick, even though I didn't know them... I'd be inspired to learn their songs then lol! But they only threw them to one section!!!!!! =( Also they stood on their speakers/box things, rocking out lol... they were okay =) I liked their Great Escape song, and everyone was singing along ^^

In the intermission, me and Naomi were freaking out because David was next. It was like... disbelief? Nervousness. Excitement. FREAKING OUT XD We stood up to try to see through the curtains by the stage, and girls kept screaming like they saw him or something but I couldn't see!!!!

And then at 8:30, they introduced him, we chanted "DAVID DAVID DAVID" and David Archuleta came on.
Like an angel descending from Heaven. Except he actually just walked up from the side and began singing "Touch My Hand."

O.M.G.

Real life...!!!! I SAW HIM IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!! I never dreamed of doing that, after loving him from American Idol!!! SEEING DAVID ARCHULETA PERFORM AND SING LIVE BEFORE MY VERY EYES!!!!!!

During Touch My Hand he actually took the girl who won stage seat's hand OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! He held her hand!!!!!!!! And sang for her!!!!!!! Like a serenade!!!!!!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I was screaming the whole time lol XD

Works For Me was soooo niicee and bubbly, and You Can was BEAUTIFULLLL he sat down and sang it with his beautiful heart ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ And ALTNOY WAS CRAZY GOOD <33 Songs sung live just change my whole opinion and perspective of them... LIVE IS SO AWESOME ♥

And in the first chorus, the last line, as he sang the song title, he pointed to my friend right next to me!!!! Her sign said that exact line!! OMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO COOL XXDDDDDD

Lastly (nooooooooooooo!!!!) he sang Crush and we all sang along and it was so amazing and I'll never forget it and I wish I could just hug him and thank you and never stop hearing his singing ♥

But then, he was gone... ='(

.........................................................................................................

Katie Perry was ok... but not how she mentioned (joked?) that she got David Archuleta's phone number and wondered if he'd call her. We all yelled NO! and she was like aw really? and then sang hot and cold and stuff. i never heard of her before this either, but unconsciously heard this song before. her last song was so weird i couldn't like it... O_<;

I made Naomi and her mom stay (I'M SO SORRY) because we WERE here, and Jesse McCartney WAS next, and I just wanted to be able to say I saw him live too. I'd feel bad if we left without just hearing at least one song...

But then he came out and I was like, wtheck is that really him!? the last time i saw him was when he was singing beautiful soul (and that was just on youtube, not live) and so... now, wearing a shiny suit and sunglasses with backup dancers was kinda funny... and odd? well i don't know him, support him, or listen to him so... we left after two songs. but while naomi was in the bathroom, i went to the door and listened because I DO ♥ "Beautiful Soul" and aw i wished we stayed for that one. We left the Arco Arena with that song echoing around...

Naomi found out about how David's bus was on the opposite side of the building, so we asked her mom if we could go try to see him but she said no (it had been a long day, and she doesn't like this blasting music i felt sorry for her...) so we drove home... =)

It was super foggy and scary! But Naomi called her friend (who couldn't come with us) and told her all about it, and we talked about how he pointed to her, and rewatched his songs on my camera lol and then, i fell asleep. sweet dreams ♥

Got home at exactly midnight. My family was already sleeping, the key was under the mat, I went to my room and wrote notes about today that i didn't want to forget, then went to sleep and didn't wake up until 10:30 the next day XD

DAVID ARCHULETA, I ♥ YOU.
You're the best American singer in all of American media, music and entertainment. I feel bad even saying that though, calling you entertainment. You really are a real person, just like us, just more talented, cute, and awesome ^^ Thank you so much for singing for us last night, and being so wonderful. I hope you don't get exhausted from performing, and keep smiling your smile ♥ I hope we get to meet you someday! And I hope you got our presents *pray* =)
THANK YOU DAVID ARCHULETA ♥

----------------------------------------------
Uploaded videos of Jingle Ball: keudae @ youtube

David Archuleta
- Touch My Hand
- Works For Me
- You Can
- ALTNOY
- Crush

Will upload:
Boys Like Girls
Katy Perry
Shantel (sp?)
Jesse McCartney

Uploaded pictures of Jingle Ball:
kimidake @ webshots.

주문 Mirotic

I can't believe it's banned! I was completely shocked!!
I LOVE MIROTIC. When I first heard it, and still. I dunno any other song I've been so overly obsessed for (without getting tired of it!) ever! I love banging to it on piano, watching the MV (DANCE MV 123923648273641374 times XD) and I'm learning the dance to it now haha XD
Now that it's banned and deemed inappropriate for 18 and under (that's me. 17!) I want to listen to it more, and record and upload and dance and sing it everywhere HA!!!!

동방신기오빠들, 사랑해요!! 화이팅!!!
がんばって、　がんばって!!!　♥

미래

I applied for college today.

Today

My friend and I are practicing to perform an Ayaka song on New Year's Day at church yay! Piano + Vocals I'm so excited ^^

hit0kiri from youtube really cheered me up too... I was really touched =)

In music theory class my teacher helped me figure out chord from DBSK's "You're My Melody" so I can nearly play it now, finally omg... I am so late with their album songs for youtube...

I found a piano version of Nunan Neomu Yeppo (Replay) on youtube and it blew me away, and I'm learning it now. Always, though so many people request it, it just takes something to inspire me to finally play it. Like a crazy beautiful already made piano version for me to copy lol... is that bad...? =\

David Archuleta's song is still just... capturing my heart. The lyrics are too perfect. For my life, personally. It's perfect. "To Be With You." I should make a whole post for that song tomorrow. Or soon anyway... it deserve one =)

Good night I guess, it's 9:50pm now. Gotta go do homework and read @#$^$# Paradise Lost, and practice piano! ^^ Yay...

=)

High School Seniors

You know what's weird?
Seniors that go to a normal public high school have hours of school, then hours of homework, after school clubs and sports, part time jobs, AP exams and SATs and cramming and commuting.
I'm a senior but I homeschool. This year I only have English, Japanese, Chinese, Music and Government. I spend like two hours studying everyday. Then I'm listening to music, playing piano, watching youtube, and learning how to dance to Jumun - Mirotic XD

Ugh... life is good haha =P


P.S. I've written a few fanfics by now... one Kyuhyun, a few Junsu, one Yesung, one w-inds.... I posted the full Kyuhyun one on xanga and got like one reader haha, that was cool!! I never posted before. And now I decided to post one of the only other fanfics I've completed so far, the Yesung-oppa one! If anyone likes anything about it, I'll be happy and eager to keep posting... if not... ^^;;;

And OH OH!!
I got my keyboard connected and can make good quality mp3s now! So I will have better piano music to share with everyone... I might be able to make sheet music soon too! *so excited and happy*

준수오빠 사랑해요~

How To Make a Simple DBSK T-shirt ★

I've really wanted to make a DBSK or SJ shirt for a long time, so finally last week I bought the paint and did it :D I wanted to share how I did it, cuz maybe someone would like to try too... so here goes ^^;;

What you need:
★ Plain t-shirt,
★ Computer/printer (to make design)
★ Fabric paint
★ Paintbrush
★ Iron & iron board
★ One of those sharp things to cut out stencil
★ Freezer paper

1. Print design.
I typed "東方神起" in wordpad, press "PrtScrn" and pasted image into Photofiltre because it doesn't take Asian characters. Fiddled around, enlarged it, bolded it, made it gray (to not waste ink) and printed onto normal 8.5 x 11 computer paper.




2. Trace onto freezer paper.
Yeah, exactly ^^ Place print behind freezer paper, trace with pencil onto non-shiny side (the side that will melt facing DOWN).


3. Cut out stencil.
I used this tiny blade thing to cut out the letters.
SAVE THE LIL BITS that you cut out.
You need those.






4. Iron stencil onto shirt.
Put the ironing board through the shirt, so you only iron one side (not the back side). Center it, and iron on your stencil.
Ironing settings = DRY, low. Test it our yourself... hot enough to make the freezer paper melt and stick to your shirt, but don't burn anything... my mom helped me with this hehe ^^


5. Paint.
I used a black fabric paint (brand - TULIP) from a local craft store. It says it's "brush on; dries flat and flexible." Read the instructions of yours carefully. Then use a paintbrush to brush in the stencils. I did two coats, according to my pain instructions.

6. Dry/Wait.
I guess you're supposed to wait (4 hours, according to my paint) until it dries before peeling the stencil off. I didn't wait 4 hours (because I had to go somewhere but I wanted to see my finished shirt) so I peeled it off when it was dry to the touch.

7. Ta-da! DBSK fangirl t-shirt XD
Wait 72 hours before washing. Enjoy your t-shirt, made to show your fandom for DBSK though it'll look funny on me because I look full white and live in California. Sorry about the sideways picture >n<;

동방신기 사랑해요! ★

어젯밤의 동방신기 꿈

Last night I had a dream that my dad and I picked DBSK up at the airport, in California! That in itself is weird because if my dad knew I loved DBSK, I think he'd HATE them, just because of their music, their looks... he's just not up to date in what's hot today XP I think I talked to DBSK in the car, but I dunno what language we would've spoken in because I don't think I'm good enough in Korean to DREAM in Korean, it could've been Japanese, or maybe it was English with just Yoochun-oppa... anyway, the next thing I knew, I was at home, wondering where DBSK was. I asked my dad, and he said that they're at the studio, where they're gonna stay for two weeks. Then we'll go pick them up and bring them to the airport to go home. I was kinda sad, but at the same time happy/freaking out because OMG! DBSK making an English album, to debut in America!!!!!!! :DDDDDD And also, I wanted to ask them for their autographs when I saw them again, and take lots of pictures with them, especially Junsu-oppa. So I realized I had a ton of weight to lose in two weeks, and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to pull it off, but at the same time, knew that I could crash diet in time, like I had done before.

Then it was time to wake up.

Three things from the dream that I hope will come true (I'm really superstitious, and believe in dreams coming true and stuff, even though I have awful nightmares that would be horrible to come true O_o;)

1) DBSK comes to America. Maybe, just maybe...? :D
2) I meet DBSK. HOMG. I think I'd die, right there, on my feet in front of them. After staring and sputtering for words for a few seconds, just keel over. The last thing I'd see is Junsu-oppa's smiling (hopefully) face X3
3) I lose weight. Yay lol.

I know I went to sleep thinking a LOT about DBSK. All day, no, all months, my head's just DBSK, DBSK DBSK, even though I'm supposed to be studying hard and applying to colleges lol O_o; IT'S BECAUSE I'M STILL OBSESSED WITH JUMUN ♥

A Poem For Yoochun-oppa

I wrote this maybe a year or two ago... for school lol! I actually got special recognition for it... it was supposed to be for a person I admire, but an EULOGY, meaning praising someone who DIED, but the assignment was to choose someone who was alive lol... anyway, please read and tell me what you think... because Yoochun-oppa is like my role model in a way <3
-----------------------

To him the language barrier is but an old phrase
For he transcends it easily, in his natural, intelligent ways
The languages he's mastered is not one, not two, but three
That's how many nationalities he can communicate with freely

Born in the Land of the Morning Calm, the little Asian nation,
He came to know Korean first, before his first migration
When fate leaped in and led him to the nation o'er the sea
He came to live in Virginia, where he learned his a-b-cs

Not only was he talented in speaking foreign tongue
He had a passion for music, and was a musician unsung
He grabbed his chance when it came by and auditioned with his skill
In dance, song, piano playing, and composing; his dream to fulfill

His talent was obvious, the judges could not refuse
He was what they wanted, so they chose him; big time news!
Back to Korea he returned, to his missed homeland
Where he soon became a part of a new five-man band

Their talent put together was overwhelming to behold
They broke the records, topped the charts; millions were sold
The member from America, with a second language to add
Helped the group connect with the foreign fans they had

When fame beckoned the group to neighboring Japan
Their responsibility and road to learning Japanese began
But for one certain member, who was already fluent in two
Learned swiftest of the five, for the technique, he already knew

This trilingual person, this musician, who is he?
Whose talent is so glorified, to such a high degree?
His name is Park Yoochun, whose talents eminently inspire
Whose drive to succeed is what I need; whom I greatly admire

준수오빠처럼...

Yesterday I got a haircut. The picture I showed the haircut lady because I wanted the bangs was...

Junsu-oppa's screencap! X3
*credit xietinloveshero

준수오빠 사랑해요 ♥

난 어제 김정은의 초콜릿에 동방신기를 봤는데 "You Raise Me Up" 예은와 함께 노래를 부를 때 울었어. 아름답고, 슬프고, 너무 moving 잖아요. 근데 윤호오빠... 아빠처럼 마음은 따뜻했어 ♥ and 유천오빠의 영어 너무 좋아 ♥ and 오모 준수오빠 like always 목소리는 아름답고 heartbreaking 만큼, 너무 handsome 있고 ♥ soshite 그저 준수오빠의 모든 것을 좋아해요. 내가 준수오빠처럼 all around heartwarming 사람이 되고 싶어요 ♥

미안해요. 난 한국인 안은데, 그저 동방신기오빠와 슈주오빠 때문에 한국어를 공부해요 ^^ 오빠들 사랑하니까요 ♥ 그리고 이 포스트는 한국어로 씄고 싶었어 ^^ 이 포스트의 한국어 안 맞지? ^^;;

동방신기 화이팅!! ♥♥

Made My Day

Just now, I drove my mom and sister to the clinic, stopping by the Korean store on the way back. I stayed in the car to read Alex Rider. Suddenly my sister came running back, opening the door and said,
"Hey, that 'my-rot-ic' song is playing inside."
I was like, OMG! And ran inside and sure enough...

"네 꿈속에 난 널 지배하는 마법사 내 주문에..."

KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I wanted to sing and dance along (dance, thanks to kaotsun from youtube XD still practicing ^^) I was sooooooo happy! It was really booming too, in the lil Korean market! Booming through the speakers it was so cool, my mom had to ask me three times "which is sesame oil" even though I was staring at the bottles my head was all focusing on Mirotic XD

동방신기오빠들... thanks for making my day ♥
사랑해요 ♥

An English Ballad - 「どうして」

From the day they became friends
He felt as if he already knew her
Two lives melded into one
Their bond, completely pure

What was natural for them
Was being always with the other
Where ever she was he would be
Just like an older brother

While growing up together
He would never realize it
The place in him where only she
Could ever really fit

Why did he end up falling for her?
It was only way too late
That he found out who she was to him
She'd already chosen her own fate

He could say nothing, just stand and watch
She stood in a long white dress
On her wedding day he watched her pledge
Her love to someone else

Not being the one standing next to her
He just wanted to return to before
He'd thought it through, and through and through
But they couldn't return anymore

Why didn't he hold tightly onto her hand?
No matter how much time had passed
He always thought she'd be next to him
Thought that through anything, they'd last

Though he's nowhere near her anymore
He's always praying that she
Can find eternal happiness
Where he could never be

Why did he end up falling for her?
Friends, that's all that they had been
It all happened way too fast
He was left hanging in between

Why did he end up falling for her?
Years have passed, and spring is in blossom
But always, for her happiness he prays
No matter how lonely he'll become

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

This was an English assignment lol. "Write an English Ballad of your own" XP. Well my mind went completely blank so I used THSK's "Doushite Kimi wo Suki Ni Natteshimattandarou" lyrics and turned them into a kinda poem/story thing... is that plagiarism? O_o; Well, this is what came out =\

Cheongpyeong 126th Int. 2nd Gen 40 Day Workshop [Part 2]

July 31st [Day 22]
Coughed all night 밤새도록~ Bad sleep. Cold air caused coughing, slept late, 4:45 ><; Francois new brother in leading the bows, korean pledge. For the 2nd time, I skip Holy Ground, this time to help Victoria and Rebecca do our DP lecture poster. All I do is two yin/yang symbols and eat Rebecca's cream puffs.
CY practice,
"Sebonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUT!!!!"
Yesssssssssssss x3 nervous. Keyboard leader's RASUTOOO!!! I learned how to turn on the piano. Francois practicing hard.
Honestly, I felt a lil tired cuz I COULDN'T SEE THE CARDS. I think it was Denise-sshi... could see only when she stood up. I PLAYED TANSHIMGA TOO FAST!!!!! But I'm thankful to God that I didn't make any major mistakes... and the whole thing/session was really fun, especially the end, banging the chords XD
Just 17 more days, 17 more long days... I'm close, close to realizing what my purpose of life is... leaning to translating from frustration of not being able to understand Kayoko-sshi, Makoto-sshi, Jessica and Rebecca speaking Cantonese/Mandarin with Sharon, Grace, newcomers Motoyo, Rebecca... an djust anyone here. Hearin the languages I love, unable to understand... I hate it to the point where I'll dedicate my life to understanding, and helping others understand and feel others' words with their hearts.
Wow, I'm strengthening these thoughts and still undecided heart just by writing this down XD
After CY, talked to Megumi-san with Kayoko-san at the Japanese office about me becoming leader. Still, I'm shocked at them picking me, me of all people!!!
Soonam-oppa called me, "dependable" or was it "reliable"? ^^;
OK, playing for the song team is beyond awesome <3>n<; I love being on song team though... <3 A TEAM. Chanyang too. A team. A group. Together, with a purpose, bonds, devotion, hard work, for others. 사랑해요, 이 기분이 <3
Aw Jessica gave me Korean rock chocolate...! ^^;
Lunch with Kinesha, Heejin (who finished the workshop but came back to visit ^^) then go to Japanese office again but Megumi-san not there, so go to store and buy lil-keyboard-leader-notepad.
Finished lecture poster (1:30 - 4pm) well, Victoria did. She skipped meals to finish the beautiful artwork and invested 100% into it! I invested 5% of myself. Rebecca, maybe 90%. I'm so bad. We practiced our lecture, skit. Pretty confident. Just that I have speaking to do, and my voice is like gone. Garble.
Down to cafeteria, nothing to do. Talk. Sleep with head on table. Then... something wrong.
MOTOYO IS CRYING. Where's her trinity? Who's in it? Because she feels like no one needs her advice and what she has to offer!! =\ She's crying so hard...
If I'M struggling with this schedule, what about HER and everyone younger than me?! And look how much heart and effort she puts into her time here... I should be stronger than this...
Sisters comfort her until she can stop crying... I think her trinity comes back from somewhere...

I still can't believe I will be キーボードー長｡　
I can't wait to tell my parents!! I haven't called then for a long while. no time, not really feel like i have anything to say. i won't call until i've become an acceptable piano leader. i'm sure jyun-sshi will be more leader-like than me... demo ganbarimasu!!
I'm so jealous of Haruka, Jyun-sshi, Erika, Korean kangsanims... they're all tri-lingual!!!!! What I need to work so hard to become, they are naturally!!! Or are they... did they study, or grow up learning? =\

Later
My clothes are getting moldy! I left them, wet, in a bag for three days and now... there are black spots and they're stinking up teh whole hallway omg ><; what should i do!!!?? at times like these, i just wanna cry, "Mama-----!!"
After dinner, hurry to Jp office, but Megumi-san not there again! AH!! I need to talk to her!! So nervous about being new leader... I Think I really am becoming it...
At CY practice, Soonae ecstatic for me. I'm just scared. Meeting go... then.. Jyun...-shi? pull me to front where I gargle out "keyboard, jeokbonjjae Yuuka-sshi" but no one hear anything i say!! xnx; jyun-sshi help me whole time, smiling, thumbs up <3 then akoto-sshi announce i'm new leader and everyone clap... i bet they might've been thinking, "SHE'S the new leader!? Wtheck...!?"
Then I'm completely lost. What the heck do i do next?
Haruka comes up to me, claps my shoulder.
｢ベッキちゃん，がんばって｡｣
<3
On stage for practice, Yeonhi tell me to tell everyone *two fingers, then roll hands like drum "faster" sign* lol... we have one new member! Tho we're losing three. I did dubonjjae. Ara was first, solo debut (I could finally SEE the cards) then Yen Chuan-oppa. before, he massaged his face for a long time in preparation to smile for 30 minutes lolollll ^^;
OMG the main vocal dude (debut, from our workshop) never gave me one FULL eye contact! Then he just went to turning his head at me without any eye contact at all!! I felt annoyed but tried to keep a sincere heart...
After, hurry around... Kayokosan tell me about covering piano, then find Kohwa to translate x) so jealous!! but yeah, I'm pretty scared right now. Too many important things to remember. Have to find MEgumi-san and write everything down!!!
Francous asked me to help him practice piano after lunch tomorrow. Winna gave me two throat candies ^^ I'm worrying so much about my cold, I need to NEED TO get better to be a good leader!!!!!!
Motoyo heard me coughing like crazy, gave me medicine from Hong Kong!! I thought it helped, but by bedtime I was going insane again. Each breath is difficult because it triggers coughs for some reason... and sometimes stuff (mucus-y) gets stuck in my throat and I can't breathe and I'm afraid for my life, going to SUFFOCATE ><; All night, half-sleep, cough, sweating, sitting up, LATE FOR CY PRACTICE nightmares.

August 1 [Day 23]
Dress clothes. Clean upstairs bathroom, brush hair (LOL, that's rare) go only to Water of Life, 3rd time no Tree of Blessing. Getting lazy after first time, seeing how easy it was to not go.
So happy, played Song of the Garden well for song team (i think i did...) <3
Simply, I'm terrified.
DP contest, music club performances? THat's nothing compared to my pleading, begging, yearning, stress to becoming a good piano leader. It's all i can pray about.
Christelle, Sharon, Grace, Sophie congratulate me on becoming leader. Christelle knows it's weird, being leader of people older than you... ^^
MEGUMI-SAN NOT THERE! Was closed, 7am. Help Francois practice now instead of later.
Doing my best, but still can't believe/act like i am a leader. i know nothing!! Yeonhi would be a better leader, or haruka (leaving) and why not Jyun!!!?? I'm happy and grateful for this chance, but i feel so unworthy!!!!
even so... even so!! i'll do my best.
Um...I did the third pianist part. and I realized, a little too late, it was the wrong sheet music for tanshimga. So... p;laying with one hand, i searched the other sheets while hundreds of eyes were on me. FREAKING OUT. Screaming in my head, NO NO NOOOOO!!!! Saved myself by the second time through. only made it by the memorized bits i could remember and the weird, wrong sheets in front of me. but face hot, feel so bad. after, turn off keyboard, abby tell me it's okay, i was good. but i walked away with my head down, wanting to run and hide. apologized to God. go straight to Jap office and ask questions, take notes, get sheet music.
I was totally alone at JSW. Apologize, beg... apologize.
After these 40 days, where everyday , ever minute i had to be somewhere to do something like...; CY, climb, sweat, sleep only 5 hours... go home, sleep a week, then have nothing to do for a while will. feel. good. then get a job, start new life of after CP *
During lecture, didn't listen or learn ANYTHING. I miss my family so much. I can't call them until I've become an acceptable leader. But it feels like I have an endless mountainous amount of things to learn, memorize to be a piano leader. so. afraid. so. worried. especially because it's a 2 day workshop tomorrow. so. scared.
죽을 만큼... 두려워.
I want to go HOME.

Practice Tanshimga with Jyun-sshi in Small hall after hurried lunch. Goodness, drum leader is everywhere lol ^^; Hurry music club. After, Geojitmal with Abby ^^
Half-sleep through whole HDH. I'm so afraid. Too stressed. I Want to go home. Please, let me sleep, not be burdened with Keyboard leader duties... please... God... I feel so alone, even though Harumi is practicing guitar right next to me.
I miss my family. I'm so tired, of everything. Exhausted, stressed, afraid, zero self esteem, i could DIE here, couldn't I? Maybe, one hopeless feeling day, I could fast and do everything physical and tire myself out until I faint and then I can LIE DOWN, rest for a day or two and make everyone worry about me.
Lol... *tears*

At 4pm, our music club performed Tonghua, It's God's Community and One Family Under God yups. I Think we did all right... ^^ I messed up in the intro of the first song goshdarnsitall >_o; but i didn't see Kenmei playing piano or anything for the greater good XP
Art club was GOOD! (GACs?) Seijin, Jeremy, Like, David. They're all really good! =) Then OMG STOMP TEAM. Jessica, Rebecca, Kinesha, Heejin, Kohwa and Victoria really surprised me!! It was like... a banging... kinda slightly creepy in-synch dance :D Then our trinity do our lecture and skit.
Ting-Yi onni!!!! New keyboard member!!!! :DDDDDD She can already play too!!! :D Later Eliot-oppa asks if I can play "crazy songs" like "Flight of the Bumblee." I can't. I don't know that song either... ><; later other trinity do their lectures. Sharon's was SO. Good. took notes.
Today was the first day I ever fell asleep during the day. Anyway, tired. I want to go home so badly. I'm soooooo stressed because I don't know if the CY leaders will announce the whole 2 day workshop performers next meeting!!!!! So scared.
神様!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The song we sang this morning was "Let It Be." the lyrics kind of match my life right now.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Heavenly Father comes to me... Speaking words of wisdom, [Let it Be...]
"And in my HOUR OF DARKNESS, He is standing right in front of me... SPeaking words of wisdom, [Let it be...]
"[Let ie be, let it be, let it be oh let it be...] Whisper words of wisdom...
"[Let it be...]"

神様，私に何か伝えていますか…？Maybe... "걱정하지마..."?
I think you gave me this position to pull me away from my bad habits. No time to doze off, or ボーっとして。
But I dunno if I can handle the responsibility of this. What if I can't be a good leader and ruin everything? I'm trying to search for self-confidence and ability in this. But it's so hard.
The 2 day workshop coming up is terrifying me.

During cleaning I lay on the ground on 3rd floor and fell asleep with rebecca, motoyo. Wake up, go Water (skip mountain AGAIN.). I run after Jyun-san and she answer my questions about this morning CY. YES i have to announce members for whole two day workshop...
so well... at meeting, all i could do is announce morning CY, then Jyun-sshi explained ot makotosshi that becuase i "couldn't" talk to megumi san i couldn't announce... THANK YOU SO MUCH JYUN-SAN. LIFE SAVER.
Before CY, Naomi came to my side and thanked me for smiling last night, it really helped (she was main vocal)
OMG. made my day <3 i did not know i did that.
then did 3bonjjae pretty well... SO HAPPY. go jp office, ask million questions to megumi-san about 2 day workshop, feel much better ^^;
The abscences i notice most are August, Insun, and Hide. =(((((
At lunch asked Megumi-san MORE questions, bought socks, throat candy, batteries, tissues, silver pencil case.
DP lecture contest: 3 - 4:30. Some, SO SLEEPY while listening. Others, hilarious, LOVED. So far, Seiya's trinity was the BEST, SO HILARIOUS yet you learn A LOT. Thomas-oppa had to cut off people cuz they took a long time, even after he made the "T" sign... ^^;
At dunner hurry, stressed, WHERE JYUNSAN!? oh yeah before dinner asked megumi-san MORE questions XP Vocal leader tell me important stuff like tomorrow 7:20am B1 for practice. Um, omg. I haven't practiced Grace of the Holy Garden in G. I'm gonna die.
Denise-sshi tell me perfing CY has to sit at CY place during lecture, and I DON'T have to play piano for kangsanim tonight!! only josanghaewon!!! Contrary information, but she sounds so sure... so i believe and thank her. yeah omg SHE WAS RIGHT THANK YOU DENISSEEEE-SHIIIII!!!!!!
Searching while singing for SOonae, tell other if see her tell her... then POP & OMG she's there and I'm so happy i wanna hug her!!!!!!!! <3 now we two perfers were ready ^^
Didn't listen to lecture at all ><; so stressed... thinking of everything i have to do...
Heavenly Father, please help me, please.
Even though I do everything FOR You, I can't do it, or anything WITHOUT You.
I always say in my prayers, that I'm doing my best for my family, world and everyone here, future husband, and God. FIGHTING.
At CY couldn't see cards GOSHDARNSITALL so messed up a lot, and couldn't even hear own playing cuz speaker too low ><; keyboard team cleaned stage after, SO HAPPY MEMBERS REMEMBERED <3
Oh omg today, Ting-Yi onni went to the hospital because her hand is swollen from a spider bite!!!!! O____X; right when she joined, too! =(
*sigh* am i doing things RIGHT?! Tanshimga too fast? loud? playing too bouncy? Bangy? Someone, tell me how to be a better leader!!!! I have no idea waht i'm doing!!!!!!
Kangsanim said that the Japanese people are getting scared of walking the streets, afraid to die. evil spirits influencing people to kill, commit suicide. O_O;

August 3 [Day what? What happened to August 2nd!? Days are getting all mixed up ><;]
Hardest day to get up. Jessica and Rebecca and I lay down on the last unmade sleeping bag and closed eyes fo a few last (savory?) minutes. then the day began. another one...
Holy ground after hdh in small hall, get water with sarah, mako and aika who want to go home and eat chinese food lol ^^
Practice Seongweoneh Eunsa in G, then Vocal leader, Makoto-sshi and Yasutaka-san come and warm up their voices. after, they talked to me in Japanese it was so nice =)
At CY Kuniyuki-san tap my shoulder telling me that volume of keyboard too loud. i thought so too but too scared unsure tomove. the Kangsanim himself was motioning it was too loud!! I hurry and lower but it seemed not to change!! I feel so bad. couldn't wait until i got on. turned volume down, sit and begin to feel better...
THE FAN BLEW TANSHIMGA SHEET MUSIC PAPERS TO THE FLOOR!!! What should I have done!? THANKFULLY LIFESAVINGLY MAKOTO-SAN TURNED THE FAN AROUND OMG. THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOOOUUU MAKOTO-SAN!!!!!!
JSW, stressed if i'm supposed to go to piano for kangsanim. i freak out. jyun-san tell me she'll tell me when, in korean, he ask for pianist. he does. i run up, bowing all over the place, cuz HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WERE WAITING FOR ME, WHO WAS LATE, BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND KOREAN.
Daemonim walk in while i play.
i look down, concentrating so hard.
Daemonim malsseum. then fastest CY Start ever, no time to breathe. bow, go, start, BAM Moonkangsanim so fast. God pulling me, helping me do everything. then miraculously, i put at good volume and play it in G, all right.
It's AMAZING what a key change can do. it felt so much more exciting, uplifting... goosebumps... it felt like... i dunno... awakening? amazing. i was really scared though since i had practiced it for like 30 min, ever. sometimes moon-kangsanim skip eye check . it's funny to see everyone's different style in doing main vocals lol XD
Megumi-san come, relieve my stress!! I WAS DONE WITH 2 DAY WORKSHOP!!!! Her style/playing is SO COOL, diff. from mine! she followed sheet music maybe... i didn't... i just transposed it from F ><;
Later, Kayoko-san (former keyboard leader) tell me, "you can do it!" <3
HAIRCUT! FI..NAL.LY!!!! had to sit on anita's lap tho, car full ><; we waited at the hair cut place for three hours and 45 minutes for our haircuts. everyone taht came in and the brothers got to go first. looked at magazines, drank lil bottle of something... at least there was AC. half-slept.
What was funny was when the barber lady finished cutting uh... Colin?-oppa's hair, it was all combed and stuff, and he immediately messed it up with his hands and everyone laughed XD
cut hair finally yeah, somehow got what i wanted across to korean barber... "fringe" and shorter and layer or something yeah, i dunno i pinned it up right away after getting bangs retrimmed before paying 6,000w.
OH! I HEARD TABLO-OPPA'S VOICE ON A KOREAN COMMERCIAL! :D
4th in line for dinner. buy two clips from store to hold up shorter hair ><; my cold is nearly gone, my voice louder!!! Sharon-onni say i'm becoming a better leader too! :D
CY = VOLUME IS SUCH A PROBLEM!!! ARGH@!!!! and omg the drums were MOVING, blocking view to cards, the piano pedal slipping... ><;

August 4
the first thought i had this morning, right when i was capable of thinking after sleep, i thought, 'i can't wait for bed time tonight. just 18 more hours to go.' >______<;
piano solo accompaniment w/o eliot-oppa dongsane norae, everyone sing <3 go tree of blessing first time all weekend, high-five kohwa <3
I CAN CALL MY FAMILY NOW!!! AT LUNCH!!!! X)
At CY, i ask Naomi if keyboard volume too loud, she say maybe a lil. turn around, see yasutaka-san signaling to me, too loud. i go up, vol down, he motion "ok" phew. he's so yasashii~ ^^
また，CYを無事に出来ました！！本当にありがとうございます，神様!!!!!! <3　
Piano for song team, MESS UP!! TOO FAST CHORD CHANGE!! >_______< I'M SORRY ELIOT-OPPA, EVERYONE!!! x(((((((
discussion about protection factors against the fall... TINY LIL KID ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS SO CUUUUUTE. can't believe he has more opinion, voice and understanding than me...!!!! XD
Thomas-oppa called me pro-pianist... x3
invited to mana's bday party! talk with harumi, oh! Ting-Yi-onni know Debussy, and at her Chi. university study "apply music" like for CM! XD
Uh, had random thought. I want to play music with my husband...
Abby said that I look like one of the brothers here, like we could be long-lost siblings!! WHOA WHO THE HECK...!!!???? O_o;
Will i cry when the workshop is coming to an end, and i can no longer be on the song team, cy team, and in the workshop in general? and freak out if i haven't figured out hte purpose of my life yet?
lunch with takami from vancouver, who guessed i was 16/17 omg lol! anita guess i was 15!! XXDD
run to phone. kuni is calling home too. so proud to tell daddy i'm leader of keybaord <3 also tell of when dmn came in, music club, dp contest... so hot... THEY'RE PLANNING TO GO CAMPING WHEN I COME BACK, even if school starts cuz now that we all homeschool, we can go whenever XD CAN"T WAIT!!
run to 3rd floor, go up secret (not really xp) stairs with Kinesha. she's so loving and FUNNY!!! <33333333333
Girls meeting, i was late. moving to tears, but didn't want to cry there ><; miranda-onni...!!! nina-onni!!!!!
dp lecture contest pt. 2. Patrick-oppa's was awesome!! Mana's trinity's pictures so cute <3 go to her b-day party, eating lots of snacks... Kinesha run up telling me Makoto-sshi wants to see me, he's waiting for you at the men's bath entrance.
I take off, terrified.
he tell me in japanese that because we're moving to daiseiden, keyboard team has to move piano upstairs. i nod when i understand, but he still ask if i understand.. and i don't know what to say with my heta japanese and i feel bad and yeah...
ARGH. STUPID LANGUAGE BARRIER.
frantic shower, hurry dinner, only able to find and tell Francois to help, he go, i go. Makoto-sshi and him already moving it up!! Megumi-san winding cords, i bring stand, sweaty. so many ppl here now! kinda mad cuz really don't lke it when so many people here. but not supposed to think like that, GOD'S VIEWPOINT!
Soonae 1st (love her, she's so gooood and dependable!!!!! <3) me 2nd, kaya-sshi debut!!!! she did AWESOME <3
during my part, my mind wandered for ONE second and when i came to, i was playing the wrong part. I WAS SO HORRIFIED. i couldn't smile anymore.
i prayed a lot after. SO, SO sorry Kamisama!!!
Jessica debuted side. so cute and eager!!! Rebecca debuted solo for 2nd half!!!
so many people, it kind of stinks... literally.
at lecture hall after, i BUTCHER Tears in Heaven. upstairs realize my adapter doesn't fit straightener, so my hair will be ugly forever. in CP anyway.

August 5
The thought that pushes me now in the morning when I wake up is just, I WANNA PLAY PIANO FOR SONG TEAM!!
Mountain check! Laundry NOOOO No 500won coin ><; oh yeah everyone is getting on my case for breaking my promise about putting my hair down ahhhgghhhghghh!!! i caaaaaaaan't!
New keyboard member!! Fukuoka Kaori!!! :D But Jyun-san sick!! And resting... Junko-san sick but came!! =\ LOVE soonae for being able to play piano so well!!! i was so tired at CY today, not like usual... at CY usually not too tired... =\
Ran to the store to buy bobby pins, exchange money into coins, run to laundry, jessica took the detergent! aahg!! wil buy it at lunch =\
@ JSW, I prayed about how I didn't realize how bad my Japanese was until I came here. I'm heta. This is making me feel the decision to become an interpreter approaching.
Hurry to lectureroom right as Wonderwall is stating!! AW!!!!!!! Link arms with Kohwa, Kinesha instead of playing piano =\ Wonderful feeling, singing that on stage with them... <3
Sharon and Patrick's lectures were cut off so they had a chance to finish now! I held SHaron's poster again =) They should really win =)
13 more days. Ato wa 13 nichi dake. 13 il mani isseo.
All of a sudden, when i was improvising on piano during break with some "If I Were Free" chords before we were going to sing it, Jeremy-oppa JUMPS UP and comes, and says "WHAT SONG IS THAT!?"
O_o; Um um... uhhh I was just fooling around.. but I said that it aws "If I were free" I dunno, i used those chords... but kinda infused yiruma or something into it O_O I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY HE BURST OUT LIKE THAT.

When I Think aboiut it, history seems so fun/exciting/niii~ce to read about. But when I do, in school, it's dead boring >n<; aw.
P.S. my Ilshim ring is black with scratches from bows O_o;

Oh so Abby showed me who looked like me. Rebecca agrees. "Long lost brother." I... kinda... wish it wasn't so~! >n<;
sophie, after she say hi and I reply when sweating, hobbling up rock stairs to lecture room, she say my smile is so nice and I'm like thank you but HAAAHH???? Whaa!!??? is she looking at meee...!!??
I don't want to suck on anymore throat candy, but I'm falling asleep. Daydreaming about Christmas. With my family. At home. I miss the cold, having to wear warm, soft sweaters <3 Miss most:
1) family.
2) sleep.
3) having no stress
4) playing acoustic piano.
I am realy, really not listening to Dr. Sanchez's lecture.

So many people at lunch, many youngsters. lunch duties! do laundry finally with detergent, then I called my brother Justin for the chords to Tears in Heaven so i wouldn't butcher it again and I can play it better for Eliot-oppa. when I go home, Justin and I together will be the bestest elder siblings!
Mama told me to relax, not do every single CY session.
Kenmei got to play piano for "Sailing With Our Father." I wanted to play =\
I love how Daddy always sounds so excited when I call home XD always he answers almost.
D: Hi, this is Cyril.
Me: Hi Daddy~!
D: Heeeeeeeeey Jenny! Wow, we get TWO calls in two days!!
^ like that XD <3

Oh yeah At lunch, Mr. Sanchez, Luke and Patrick sat with me... lol... They just talk DP. I eat, go for duty. Dr. S say I always smile during piano, At CY... I see him watching a lot, looking up at us on stage lol ^^

Definitely, 200%, DP lectures are the hardest things to not fall asleep during. So. Boring. I mean, I can't soak it in so raw... I miss One Heart Camp explanations like Kwanchai, Deanne, Dave's ways of simplifying and applying it to daily life so I don't even know it's DP.
I wanna sleep so bad.
Who sould I pick for tonight's CY? Diana and William are Mr. Sanchez's children!
I really, really SLPET at break. Head on arms on desk. Abby massages me, wake up and my forehead red. AAGHHH song team singing already!!! "As the deer"!! AW I MISSED PIANO ALL AFTERNOON NOW!!!!! For 2nd song, Eliot-oppa say i can play piano but i turned down because take too long to turn on, and go to "Stero keys" AW >n<;
Seriously, girls lack spirit in singing. Guys so good (like being on their wide with piano because their voices loud and spirited). Real "brotherhood." arms across shoulders, swinging, or stomping, clapping...
Looking forward to (HOME:+:Furusato~~~*singing*) Music Festival (of course) and MOVIE!!! And dancing Chanyang!!! And sleep. I can't believe I really slept, for like 20 minutes! XD well, so tired...
Mama said Mrs. Tamura was leaving for CP on Thursday, if I need anything can ask her to bring it ^^ I wanted something frmo home, but I forgot.

A patriot is a person willing to give their life for their nation.

Last night I asked God/ancestors/spirits to wake me up @ 4am. Then I realize my straightener won't work here with my adapter, and I forgot to tell then it's ok not to wake me up anymore, so they woke me up at 4am really really lol!!! XD
I'm feeling like... wow I've met so many people from so many countries/states! There's a BIG, real possibility I might meet some of them... Kinesha, Eliot, Lisa, Yeonhi, even PAtrick, Miranda, Insun, Soonae, Naomi... I hope I do!!!! Kinda wishing me and mama can go to Wales for Grandma for a while this year. I will LOVE to be cold for a change. PRolly not when there, tho xp. That's not probable, but... 1% chance. If so I want to give my heart in helping care for her, and also meeting British (LIKE ME) BCs <3
I really do...
Randomly... Diana Sanchez is drop-dead gorgeous. So jealosu!

Heavenly Father,
Here in CP, everyday I feel more strongly, "I can be matched and Blessed to anyone." Like... nationality, looks don't matter, just the inside. I can accept anyone.
It's just a problem of... I don't know if I can accept a handicapped person... and THAT'S where I'm flawed still!! and not ready!!! Definitely not for TP's matching =(

While I was picking up garbage from the floor Rebecca pushed in the chair and it smashed my temple. ow. it really, really hurt my eyes watered but i pretended nothing happened and it was good ^^ Kohwa gave me candy ^^ she thought I Was 15, full AMERICAN >n<; goshdarnsitall!!!
I change, put laundry to dryer, pray at JSW for 30 min crying like HECK. So. Sorry to God for everything until now. Dinner alone. Korean veggie stew thing. and korokke <3 brush teeth...

Um... Francesco-oppa...?
------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL YOU should NOT JUDGE ANYONE!!!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED.

I got a break from CY, made SOonae do so much instead I'M SO SORRY!! >n<; I saw in middle of hundreds of Japanese girls ^^ Did my bset-best actually!! Not sleepy! Cold almost gone, so i can sing up to "a." feels like... nice cuz everyone around me still new at CY, but I know exactly when we're changing what body part to hit ^^ My partner was Lisa-chan, 10th grade ^^
The laundry in CP doesn't work. I wear "clean" clothes but in reality, they're stinky and dirty, not a good bright white.
We butchered Generation of Righteousness XD clapping mostly, guys singing random notes lololololllllzzz XP
Sophie and Soonae SOK ING & WONDERFUL!! <3 <3 <3 Let me use straightener AND adapter with such grace, elegance & love <3 I will try to do @ 4am!

August 6

Didn't wake up at 4am. Tho I asked very hard, TP, God, absolutely good spirit world and ancestors to. MAybe cuz it's a selfish reason =\
I only went to Water of Life, then came back and straightened my hair. Mrs. Sanchez came into the bathroom and saw me *gulp* feel so guilty, horrified. at first, the straightener sooo hot it made my hair like straw omg soonae's is sooooo strong and BURNS me!!!! the HAIR BURNS ME!! O_____O; but then... it... worked! and my bangs... i could put them down...!!!!
All morning sisters commented, and didn't recognize me, and i felt really cool <3 finally a little self-esteem...? xp
Two nights ago, Jessica saw, in darkness, Saika go out the window to the thing outside like a porch kinda and she freaked out!! Cried next night (last night) afraid to sleep, but everything cleared. She thought it had been a spirit. She's ok now <3
Cy do best. Can tell ppl looking, not recognizing @ 1st X3 I tried to smile for my whole 30 minutes on stage... for encouragement to the main vocal, cards, everyone... put heart into tanshimga... Makoto-sshi says Kangsanim said for CY team to put more JYOUNETSU ~ PASSION into everything. So... I tr. Ending is really fun ^^

I'm so proud to bow with the Chanyang team, always. Am I worthy...?

Then lecture/group discussion. Suck my life out >n<; sleep really again at break. Miranda give me fullest back massage I ever had, while Rebecca played with my hair.
Felt. So. Good XP
Eliot-oppa always playing Hey There Delilah, She Will Be Loved, and some brothers are always asking to sing "How to Save a Life" lol... wish I knew more songs everyone knew so i could play for them.
goshdarnsitall my hair is curling from sweat, touch, and just... time passing.
At song team singing (By the Spring of Life) Patrick-oppa asked my age and country (he knew).

Randomly today, out of nowhere, I felt like: I want to give my husband head and back and hand and feet massages.

Had to rush through lunch, go clean. Packing up chairs and desks groups 5 - 7 of sisters and brothers had to carry chair up 6 flights (or is that called 3 flights?). Duuuuuude Yen Chuan-oppa did 4 chairs at once!!!! Rebecca did 2, I did 3. It wasn't as bad as I expected. And omg! Luke said my name in encouragement, and Patrick-oppa on the way down, said "Jenny I'll take those for you..." but I said no it's okay ^^ it's like everyone's talking nice to me...!!! (since I put my bangs down... LOL coincidence xp).
So sweaty, had to pin up bangs cuz they were wavy and nasty.
Go on bus/car to Cheong-A camp, do drums of the three traditional Korean experiences.
Uh, it was the best ever.
Not exactly because of the drums... it was really fun playing the "book" but the teacher. BUTTER TEACHER!!!!! *saranghaeyo~~~* OMG SO FUNNY, CUTE, and JUST COMPLETELY FRIENDLY *HUGE HEART* SO SWEET *HUGE HEART* DUNNO WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!!! <3 WILL NEVER FORGET HIS KINDNESS. I WANT TO BE LIKE HIM, SO FUNNY, OPEN-HEARTED, CUTE... <3
Come back, we buy ice cream cuz it's SO HOT AND SUNNY today. like animals at the ice cream boxes LOL. Ate with Yukimi and Valerie...~ Shower, wait 30 minutes in hueg line of Japanese brothers, worried about CY practice. But it was okay =)
OMG OMG!!! JESSICA AND REBECCA DID CARDS TOGETHER SOOOOO CUTE!!!!! <33333 after song team got chocopies~
Now we're in Room B of 3rd floor for lectures.
No. Piano.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For the first time I was in the front udring closing at JSW. IT felt much much better, we were practically yelling the pledge, singing our hearts out.
Soobin-onni is BACK, from JAPAN!!!! :D

August 7

Weird, all chairs and GUYS on 3rd floor xp True PArents speech today! 11 DAYS LEFT!!! Getting so serious about interpretation as a career.
Only went to Water of Life. I'm so lazy. Breakfast alone. Go big hall. Other brothers not from CY team came later so I couldn't pracice piano =\
Slept against a pillar, then lost my breakfast. Will be hungry soon, not even 8am =((((((( wearing dress clothes x(

9:40am during Hyun Jin Nim's speech

Grace gives good "squeeze" Massages! and Abby gives tickly ones xp
I really really, really admire the Eng-Kor interpreter. I can't imagine what it feels like for him. Stressful... but really good? Cuz he has the ability. I don't yet, I can't even begin to imagine. But I think... I want to... become an interpreter.

11:15am
Still going on. I'm dying. Gotten like ten massages from people around me. Falling asleep during True Father's event. Can't help it. No AC, hungry, TIRED, uncomfortable, sitting for 4 hours, talking about the darned helicopter for 3 1/2 of those hours. I would be sleeping riht now if Abby not sitting next to me. bad/good thing. we're going boating today.
I just wanna go home.

Later

Dude we sat for five hours. Even if it WAS TP, I'm too tired.
Lunch. I felt odd. I sit, prayer interrupted. Someone tell me this table is already taken. So embarrassed, I leave, about to cry. I just had to, had to make eye contact and pass right by afjs;odrhi Go all the way to the other sidde of the whole cafeteria, sit alone. Don't even know why! But want to just burst into tears that are roaring to get out.
"Let it be, let it be..."
Kayoko-san appears, Got-sent. Talks to me. Says I'm really working hard as a leader, that God is a genius. I had no intention of becoming leader but it's God's gift to me. And also she was talking with a friend, when she pointed me out and her friend said that I was beautiful because of my skin... and that i'm always modest.
She cheered me up a lot.
God cheered me up through her, I know it.

Rush 3rd floor, change to SFP blue shirt, wait Tree of Love, bus to boat dock.
So yes. Boating was awesome. The dancing teacher!! X3 Helmets, ctoch-life-jackets, Pedals, groups of 12. Splashing fights on the boats (beaten up by brothers), splashed by a motorboat (where Jesica was). Race, standing together, standing on boat RIM together singing Twinkle twinklg (WE WON XD) and situps with head in the water. Also one at a time everyone in the boat jump in the water, be rescued XP then all jump in, drag boat back to dock. So. Tiring. Then get back in boat, exhausted.
OH!!! After I jumped in the water and they pulled me up, Miranda was pulled up after and dropped on me and Ryuichi-san (in our boat, like our leaer lol X3) yelled "WE'VE LOST ONE!" LOL HE'S SO FUNNY!!!! Like Kwanchai-oppa mankeum funny!!!!!
Then we jump/flip/dive into the water from the dock to swim for fun!! Kenmei did a backflip duuuudee..!!! our group 9 held hands and had to splutter up to the surface lol XD
After, walked back to Cheongpyeong. Didn't dry in the heat, amazing O__O; I heard Dae Hi talking about the one Korean girl in our group during drumming yesterday, and how she must've been understanding everything he interpreted but why the heck didn't she be interpreter instead? =( I thought he did a good job, tho I can only understand a lil Korean =\
No shower, go JSW, Megumi-san too. 2 day workshop people are here. I'm doing 1.5 hours of perf tomorros. She say Moon Kangsanim came to her after last weekend, say Jyun-sshi mess up, maybe not good... O________<;
Dinner alnoe but POP Valerie come sit with me. She say "it's so hard to find ppl we know..." SO TRUE.
Hurry CY, in main hall cuz wanna practice in G key, Megumi-san style XD Talk with Soobin, who is back from 2 weeks in Japan and joined CY team again!! after her practice and Francois, who is ready for debut anytime, I practice. Francesco-oppa asked me if I knew Japanese, if I could translate for the drummer, but I say I can't, because... drum terms I dunno, maybe I can't do well!??
AARGGHH I HAAAAAAAAAATE HATE HATE HATE HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP PPL BY TRANSLATING THO I AM GOSHDARNSITALL HALF JAPANESE, AND SHOULD BE FLUENT!!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING FLUENT IN JAPANESE, I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRANSLATE FOR OTHERS, I HATE HAVING TO HAVE TRANSLATORS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND OTHERS. I HATE SUCKING AT JAPANESE!!!!!!
Ting-Yi-onni, DEBUT!!!!!!
Yasutaka-san's smile is soooo encouraging and sweet!!!! aw!!!! very warm. with him as main vocal, we had the happiest Chanyang session EVER.
Upstairs in our lecture building, waited... Eliot-oppa call song team. OH YEAH yesterday morning, I was the ONLY GIRL during Chanyang. I had no one do my okkae. Kinda embarrassing next to row of guys... So now again, the only girl for song team. i stand there. Eliot-oppa see, laugh, say "need piano..." LOL YES I MISS IT <3
I'm so sad I didn't buy the Cheon Jeong Goong pic =(
Olivia twisted her ankle on the stone steps!? Soobin cried for three hours after her mess up two weeks ago!!?? O___O AAAWWWW!!!!!!!
After JSW closing (next to Kaya-san) Makoto-san call me over. I saw him from corner of eye,k kinda wondering if he would talk to me. He ask if I'm ready for "happyo" of 5 cy sessions tomorow, and YUPS i am! but i'm worried about time running out for Francois to debut!!! Well... he say goodnight...~ ^^
Finally, finally, I can slee-- *dead*

August 8 TEN DAYS LEFT!! X) 미친 날

Every morning, I wake up Reb & Jes and At night, they get my sleeping bags and wave me a spot with them =3
I wanna remember our CP schedule, so I'll write it down:
4:30am - wake up
4:50 - song team <3
5 - bow, pledge in korean, bow, peace messages, pray
5:30-ish - Exercises with (first August, then) Patrick
5:40-ish - Korean class with Jeremy-oppa
5:50-ish - Announcements, cleaning duties
6:15 - 7:40 Holy Ground, change, breakfast
7:40 - Chanyang practice
｢明るく，元気で喜んで感謝してシンナゲのせいしんで。。。　やりましょう。。。？　ではファイチングします。」
8:15 - Chanyang for (70 min.)
9:45 - Jeongshimweon prayer
10:10 - Song team <3
10:20 - DP lecture or reading
11:10 break, song team <3
11:30 continue reading/dp
12:30 - lunch, self reflection
2 - song team
2:10 - dp lecture or sometimes Cheong-A camp, boating, Cheongjeong Goong...

Chanyang practice this morning was odd. Forgot to put on balck socks, forgot to put on pin until almost starting time. And during practice, OUT OF NOWHERE, we ALL just stopped playing. Drums stopped, vocals stopped, I stopped. WTHECK!!? O___O; freaky. EVeryone was just like... what!? Why?! Alda tell me to start again so i do >n<; messed up 1st intro yeah...
So tired but smiled for everyone, Jessica at cards and Naomi D at vocals =) then it was the brother that doesn't give me full eye checks, awkwaaaard.
Hurry JSW, back run w/o bathroom >n<; nervously NOT play for DMN entering the room. Sit with JEssica whole time listening to NOTHING, as in no English translation. Sleep, sweat. Megumi-san come! Find English translation later but Jessica (Spanis) said it was for something else LOL I dunno!! I WAS HALF SLEEPING WHOLE TIME, didn't notice was listening to wrong translation XP
then BAM BAM BAM Chanyang, special Ancestor liberation for Japanese leaders in G. Did ok... something wrong with volume. Never loud enough anymore. Scared whole time. Jessica and I exchanged nervous smiles, son ervous. She went solo!! Then Megumi-san took over for me =) So tired.
I ate lunch FIRST of ALL Int. BCs because I skipped whatever they did while I did the Chanyang for Japanese leaders only... so I had WATERMELON OMG so cool, sweet. then go call Daddy. Mainly he say ask others to take over if i need a break, if too stressful. "Don't break your leg." I can't wait to go home and go camping!! And SLEEP. I wanna go HOME.
I buy cookies for the party, and new pin cuz my pants the symbols is wearing off and it's necessary.
@ breakfast, Rebecca say (over mochi) that I'm just right. Not too fat or too skinny. Not good to be either. Why do you wanna lose wieght? I was happy, but still... need to be skinnier.
We were on 3rd floor later, someone had ipod on speakers listening to The Used, Evanescence... then there was a scene with a troubled Japanese girl, running away from Ryuichi-san O__o;
Japanese is beautiful.
私本当に本当につやくしゃになるかなあ｡｡｡　日本語｡｡｡ realizing...

2:45pm Mrs. Sanchez - TF life dongan

I was looking forward so badly for What Dreams May Come but it seems like we'll prolly watch something else. Oddly, I didn't feel bad. Like, I accpet things easily now, things I can't change. Or maybe I'm just too tired to care >n<;
I dunno, when guys speak Japanese and Korean, it's beautiful.
3:40 after break
Got Miranda and Soonae's addresses! <3 I HOPE TO SEE THEM IN ENGLAND SOMEDAY!!!! <3

At home, at One Heart Camp and Winter Workship in California, I'm so afraid to just MOVE, but here I'm SO. FREE. It feels so good. Wooting, singing loud with song team, responsibility of being on time up to me, talking to everyone. Sleeping on the floor, sharing snacks. It feels so good.
Was that just an earthquake right now? Or ppl downstairs bouncing? O__o;
I have to make more effort to enunciate and not have slurry accent in Japanese. Have to talk to mama in Japanese ONLY best training along with study.
Best session, out of DP lectures and DP reading etc is definitely True Father's life!!!!

6:15pm in the big hall
Dnner line hadn't been so bad. The AC that hits you after a shower is just glorious.
Kayoko-san finds me every meal time!! She's gonna work here for a year, office work! OMG. So she wants my email address yay <3 her fav food is some kind of jelly and soba <3 i help her practice her english pronunciation, this one sentence for Ryuichi-san?
Slept on random floor space at sister side of big hall for 30 minutes. REALLY SLEPT. or maybe half. too tired. sit. during dongsaneh norae, winna find me, tell me i have to come sit with cy team.
I completely forgot.
And completely nearly crash into someone, dansei. Both like, uh, uh, not going. no eye contact. i go lol.
I can't believe there are two whole lectures, a 60 min. CY that I'm doing 2nd for, and JSW. so many people. can i survive? we're watching the TP helicopter video. AGAIN. Seriously, i am tired, and tired of this helicopter deal.
Um... yeah. CY was crazy.
first, after half sleeping whole first lecture, all of a sudden CY team has to jump up and get ready. drum team keyboard team, me and soonae prepare. then fast bow, GO! STRESSFUL. Brothers and sisters squished. Makoto-san ask me, "can you hear piano?" i say kinda, but no not really. so i go up, put the volume up. it's already higher than normal, soonae had put it perfect!!!! and it was blasting in her face!!! Why...
Later Makoto-san tell again... I say "ookii spiikaa kara detenai to omoimasu..." and he like ahh... i don't know what to do.
Me 2nd. Put volume louder. lil speaker sound like struggling. i go on, feels normal. Yen Chuan-oppa doesn't smile much anymore.
Then the vocals changed. Christelle, Makoto-san, Takayuki-san. And all craziness breaks loose.
They couldn't hear my piano playing, Christelle mainly, cuz far away. so she sang off key, but it wasn't her fault!! MAkoto-san eye on me, motion about volume. so lifting left hand, do just melody while raising volume. Lil speaker making clicking, vibrating noises. i'm thinking, if any louder, it'll explode. but they can't hear, NO ONE!! Singing off key, mics screeching O______O!!!! i make weird faces to makoto-san and Yen Chuan-oppa. like... what am i supposed to do...!!?
Winna catches my eye, and we start laughing. while i'm playing piano. then i suffer through the rest of the session.
Tanshimga i put as loud as i dared. maybe that's why it seems like people don't sing well with my playing. they can't hear me ever.
something vibrating loudly by me. it's so loud, yet so quiet. i do my best, cringing, probably. @ ending too, as loud as i dared, afraid to make the speaker explode. i'm probably the worst keyboard leader ever to come to CP. strangely i'm calm. a lil frustrated, but not in tears (yet).
Afterwards, drummer immediately tell me he couldn't hear anything. Soonae come help me turn off, cover. talk fast, like what's happening!!? Christelle, Alda come, talk to them... all CY members talking like never b4. So embarrassed...
It's all my fault.
Go JSW. on the way, aika, other lil girls ask me where to go we watch lightning striking the purple sky in the distance <3
I pray, apologize.
Abby find me. She had spiritual experienve during ansu. she want to sing the righ tlyrics. sang so loud, seh said. feel emotional. when get back to big hall for 2nd lecture, she CRY!!! she sleeping on my back now. Aw...
B4 lecture, alughing with winna about what happened. feels good to think light about it. also b4, check for Megumi-san right after CY but not there!!!! NOOOOOOOOO------!!!! Also tralk, explain to KAya-san... she comfort me, it's not my fault.
모두 내 탓이야. ぜんぶ私のせいで｡｡｡
I wish i was crying now. Dousurebaiino!!?
I. am. so. sorry.
After JSW, where I COULDN'T cry, this kid nearly crashes into me. I dodge in an odd position. getting angry at the whole darn day. i run away. hurry to 3rd floor. no more journal to write, so just flop into bed. muscles ache from swimming 2 days ago. just frustated with the whole day.
when almost sleeping, Sharon woke me up.
"Jenny, I am sorry to wake you, but we have been chosen to play for Hyun Jin Nim."
Or was it Heung Jin Nim?
WTHE--------------------------CK!!!!! Our "One Family Under God" was chosen by Moon-kangsanim!!! OMG. just. omg.

August 9 (Saturday)

Tired. worried. last time, i pretty nmuch butchered the ending, so this time, i've got to figure something out!!! prolly will skip holy ground again. gulp. wanna call parents, yes b4 breakfast!!!! i've memorized my phonecard x)
Called home instead of holy ground. mama said she's been praying for her ancestor to talk to my ancestor so i can sleep better and all through the night lol XD not working. last night, i woke up and half asleep, i rolled up one of my sleeping bags thinking it was time to wake up because i HEARD PEOPLE TALKING and it was almost Chanyang practice. but it wasn't. o_O;
I'm so worried. How am I supposed to deal with the speakers!!!?? Go with KAya-san to Korean office and one guy say that at 8am they'll send someone to fix it.
The guy came, but I don't think it's coming through the big speakers. semeed a little louder, but...
JSW. I hate being touched all over the place cuz it's too crowded. too, too, too, too crowded. squished. rushing, pushing, uncomfortable, frustrating... argh. then stressful, cuz still twice need to play.
Sleep in big hall with head on bag until kangsanim go on stage. i freak out, knowing piano not on. go up. he motion to piano like, "you're keyboardist?" i nod, go. wait. then play way too loud. to me anyway. is it coming out of the big speakers!? I used all my (nonexistant_) skill to play. this KEYBOARD. I MISS ACOUSTIC!! quietly, face stiff with worry. Damonim come in. i don't kno wwhen to go down, curtain blocking my way, so after prayer, dmn go to podium, i dash out the back way. dive in front of Isun-onni.
I listened to DMN's words very very badly. because i'm writing this thing, my journal. i'm so tired. this has been the hardest (32 so far) days of my life. i hope it's worth it.
i'll know if, from now on, i live as a true filial daughter to God and my parents, unable to sin.
DMN's talking. Hey JENNY-A! Don't give Satan any chance to accuse you!!!! All your arrogance, selfishness, fallen nature = NOT YOU. Inherited, influenced by media... it's not you. don't let it get to you. You're God's true daughter. ACT LIKE ONE.
"Absolutely, b4 blessing, don't have any difficult problems with opposite sex!! No look, no touch, no eat!!!!!! No alcohol, drugs, no party with drinks, NO!!!! Totally lock your buttons. why have to show to anyone else? it's just for your beloved spouse. can give birth to beautiful 3rd generation, true family."
It's our responsibility to change this world. 1st, 2nd, 3rd gen become united so we can bring KOHOE!!!
Shoa! Only stomach chanyang!

Grace-onni wants to stay in CP longer! likes being with us <3
So... ancestor liberation ceremony was only stomach and paksu. it was hard. no smiles, concentrate, try loudest, passionate... megumi-san plays so well...!!! sounds SO KAKKOI!! XD jealosu~ we have piano wiping towel now, finally. i wipe the keyboard a LOT, telling it thank you <3 Makoto-san was SOOOOO FUNNYYYY during Hallelujah LOLOL XD cuz we have to hold up our arms a lot and it's so tiring and painful, he like... waves quickly and then lets his arms hang down to the point he doesn't have to use energy to keep it up... you know...? aaaghh to hard to explain.
lunch --> that odd but yummy fruit salad. the Japanese BCs do chants b4 meals, like a CY beginning and then like. "Champoomonim jal meokgesseumnida...!!" so LOL Eliot-oppa made one too, like "rubadubdub please...?? America!" XP
Francisco-oppa really writing/studying something hard after lunch; go store; Yeonhi ask to debut...

PRACTIVE VIOLIN <3 Ting-yi-onni's lil brother is a violin pro OMG!! But he left already... wow... that's awesome XD I'm worried for our violin... it's like rotting in the heat O_o; then i lpay guitar for usic club since we dont' have a keyboard anymore. eat lots of junk food at the party for leaving ppl xp HATE being fat but eating so much, AND not going to mountain. NOT GOOD. cookies, rock choco, mccol, crackers... then pictures, writing emails etc. 9 more days. can't wait tho feel so incldued here... miss home tho.
I just realized I might feel more included, needed and loved here than at home because I actually contribute to the greater whole. by playing piano. at home i'm a nobody.

Chanyang members on stage are supposed to get energy from cards, i learned. i wonder...
@ 5pm we had western pic with dmn SO HOT BLINDING OMG. Dude, Kuni so unrecognizable!!
Talk a lot with Sawa (Texas!) and Hiromi and Erika, Yukimi, Jinae, yups <3 we're happy to be going home soon. some aren't...
now all i can think about is going camping with family when i g home and singing coutnry roads together x)

Sleep before Chanyang at the side. Kaya-san seem worry about me =\ FRANCOIS WAS SUPPOSED TO DEBUT BUT HE WENT TO HYUNGJIN NIM'S SERVICE OMG!!!!! NOOO!!! So switched to Soonae and me.
The big speakers worked. THANK YOU.
IT's a lil scary when Winna does cards cuz I always laugh. WAIT OMG WAIITTT!!!
THEY JUST ANNOUNCD THAT TRUE PARENTS IS COMING, GO MEET THEM OUTSIDE.
Screaming, running, crowds fly out. me running with winna, soonae, SO EXCITING OMG. i'm screaming LOL we line up alnog road, like a red carpet appearance XD WISH BROUGHT CAMERA GOSHDARNSITALL IT"S IN MY BAG!!!
The sky was beautiful today. like the beautiful asian feel of movies. bright sunlight, pure white clouds against a crisp blue sky. super hot, cicadas. then 7:30-ish beautiful pink, red... beautiful sweaty hot.
True Father comes. Was TM there?! No, DMN... run after the black car lol, feel so LIGHT AND FREE. i hardly run here cuz always saving energy, but when i DO, i can just tell i lost weight because i can run SO FAST and effortlessly OMG! IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!
After TF left, Soonam said I actually look HAPPY NOW!!! XD
it had been so exciting, but my explanation quick becauase so tired!! we went back for Chanyang. Victoria had cried from seeing TF!! I wasn't crying but I was more energized for an awesome chanyang session XD Winna took Yen Chuan-oppa's fan so then he fanned everyone lol, me rebecca, makoto-san... XD LOL i feel so happy now after TF...
Do good CY. Soonae so good at doing first part !!! <333 i did 2nd winna made me alugh a lot. supposed to be serious inside and passionate to help everyone lol... i mess up almost.. it was the sweatiest chanyang ever...!!
Lightning without rain again... ^^ super cool~ talk with sawa, motoyo, kiyoka, rebecca, cherisa about stuff <3 meet in beloved chinhwagwan 1B like old days. award winners of DP contest. Seiya's group YES DEFINITELY! And Patrick-oppa too!!! PERFECT!!! MAna and SHARON too!!! Then certificates of graduates... omg many people are leaving in the next threee days!!!
i'm selfishly daydreaming about going to wales/uk. noo!! xnx JSW was sweaty. go to bed.

august 10 (Sunday, but feels weird =\)

Slept through the whole night YES!!! <3 Thank you mama's ancestor x) but so tired, slept longest ever, as in waited till last minute to get up.
we brought chairs down from 3rd floor. by the time i was donw with NOT GOING TO THE MOUNTAIN NOR WATER, the last chair had been taken and i felt so bad especiall for Patrick-oppa who must've gone up a couple times, once came down with FOUR >n<;
I'm so lazy.
Eliot-oppa singing Jesse McCartney.
I always half-sleep before chanyang now. too worried to fully sleep though. FRANCOIS DEBUT & RASUTO!!!! HE DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!! OMG WHOOOOOOTT!! Soobin 2nd!!!! Jyun-san come to k-office with me cuz speaker WASN'T WORKING, but it did...?
it's depressing to be with 14 day participants cuz they don't sing, but half-sleep and clap weakly. and slow at changing body parts... but i have to love whem with the Heart of God... ^^;
took lots of pics after aw.... i took them, wasn't IN them. SO SAD X( high five Francois! do laundry.
guess what. we have no elextricity now until 5pm. but why do the fans work? wth!? Saw Mrs. Tomorrow yesterday and today!!! so COOL to see someone i recognize, from the same city in the world!!!! XD
Today. was. hot. like. crazy.
Music club practice. Heavenly Father, please help me figure out the outro chords...!! time runing out >_0 play piano with sophie, soonae. she know the most popular british song, with french title!!! :D teach Motoyo a little...
Then. Dun DUN DUN. we switched everything with brothers, like sleeping spots. aired sleepings bags, packed, moved everything to 3B OMG, clean upstairs, move desks up. i was unnaturally energized, despite extreme heat and the task ahead. i was guilty/grateful actually because the brothers were the suffering ones. i think ZERO sisters brought up a desk, except for Sarah, Cherisa, Mako and I together one desk lol XD

Yeonhi ~~> debut <3
met Haruka-onni!!! What's she doing here!!? XD she was like... "Becky-chan~~~~!!!" <3 XD ahhhhh I missed her!!
Chanyang team got treats from British and Spanish (Alda, Colin...) members who left today!!
Later I told Eliot-oppa about getting "tears in heaven" chords but chickened out in playing it next song team time... ><; did two other songs... and OMG LOL. I was trying to play alnog and figure out this sequence of chords that he ALWAyS ALWAYS plays, it's to "iris" by goo goo dolls i THOUGHT i recognized it... so i was trying to play along and then suddenly Jeremy-oppa and a blong brother heard.
"WHOA!!!" then something like... "it totally sounded like you two were just playing the same song!!" then eliot-oppa says
"Do you know Iris!?"
I nodded *sweatdrop* then asked what chords i'm using, and walk away, playing lol... ^^;

This is what I mean by when we do "song team."
1) Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" and everyone takes forever to get started.
2) Choose songs
3) Eliot-oppa come show me book
4) sing and play two songs usually. someitmes one or three
5) clap, bow, leave stage~
I <3 playing for everyone.

Said goodbye to Francois after more certificate giving. he say i'm a good leader zw. he leaving tomorrow at 4:30am o_<;
Tomorrow again i'll skip mountain. but i'm dreaming hoping to play songs like "maybe" tomorrow morning (cuz we sleep here now!) for everyone, so brought UP sheet music ^^ it's already dark now (using my lil light to write this ) so goodnight... <3

Cheongpyeong 126th Int. 2nd Gen 40 Day Workshop [Part 1]

Duration: July 9 - August 18, 2008

Prologue ^^;

I wrote out and nearly filled three journals during these 40+ days, so I'll look through and condense it to type up and share ^^ Here goes...
If any BCs read this, maybe my first attitude would be surprising... XD but I promise, my attitude gets better ^^

July 8, 2008
Left with Jessica and Rebecca (twins!) from San Francisco International Airport to Incheon International ^^ I couldn't tell them apart, but within a week I could ^^ Surprisingly, I didn't cry when we had to part with my dad at the security check-in place... ^^;
On the airplane, listened to these cool new songs/artists! I know that airplanes turn the real, Korean/Chi/Jap titles into weird translations... x\

Da Mouth - I Like You (thought it sounded like 누난 너무 예뻐!?)
Jason Chan - Be Strong (sounds exactly like K's song from One Litre of Tears? COVER!?)
Yoon Do-Hyun Band (Vol. 7 - Why) - 아리랑 (LOVED THIS VERSION <3)
Rain - I'm Coming (only listened because featured TABLO-Oppa <3)
Tony An - Melody (ft. SAT) (Loved this too X3)
The Spill Canvas - All Over You (heard in America on radio before... xp)
Spitz - Sazanami
Moriyama Naotarou - Ba-su@dei (weird title, but loooove Naotarou-san always <3)
Kelly Pan - Don't Say I'm a Mad Shopper (LOL wtheck XD)
Tank - Street King
Yiruma - When the Love Falls
Kim Kwangjin - A Song of Happiness (MOST FAVORITE <3)
Shin Hyesung - I Luv You
Lee Seunggi - Smile Boy (Liked a lot <3)
Nell - Reality of Reality (I know someone requested me to play piano for one of Nell's songs...)
George Winston - Variations of Pachelbell Canon (beautiful)

I learned that exit is 비상구 in Korean ^^We flew at 38,997 feet! 978km XD Our seats were 44A-C ^^ OKAY I said I would condense!! ><; Well, lunch was bibimbap <3 I really missed my parents already. Felt sick at dinner with that no-appetite feeling from the past week.
Landed in Korea, so excited, 11 hours later. Nervous too, flying international by ourselves! I'm only 17, okay! Old for some tho right... argh i'm immature and have self-esteem problems lol ><; Anyway!! Right after exiting the airplane, we were hit with a wave of humid hot air that we'd been dreading would make us suffer for 40 days lol. We got in all right with our visas etc... then found the Seil Travel bus driver guy, and met two girls from Hong Kong, going to our workshop too!!
We met Sharon and Grace Lai!!!
We stayed friends throughout the whole workshop!! Tho I felt out of place a lot because Rebecca and Jessica could speak Cantonese and Mandarin, and of course they could too... and I was non Chinese, heta-Japanese and completely non-Asian looking. Yeah I don' t look like the half-Japanese I am. One girl later said I looked completely European! =\
I thought Sharon was the famous Japanese guitarist from youtube that made the English version of SHINee's Replay XD
Also met Isun from England!! And Eunhye, Soonhwa and Bernard from Dominican Republic!! Went on the bus together, 1 1/2 hours later after sleeping to SJM, arrived at break place where there was no toilet-paper. I wondered if Junsu-oppa ever traveled the roads of the cities we just passed. Then, Cheongpyeong!
Um... I had never been so sweaty, exhausted, thirsty, and sleepy yet excited in my whole life.
Met Moon-kangsanim, bought private lockers, registered/paid, then rolled suitcases (+ violin) up huge hill, sweating like crazy in the heat of midnight O_____<; Met Nina-onni, later found out she was SEIYA'S OLDER SISTER!!! Got two sleeping bags, go to room with many sleeping girls and plop down, exhausted though it's probably daytime in America.
[the following is a direct transcript of what I wrote in my journal, translated from Korean/Japanese]
I want to cry. Why did I come here!? WHY!? I didn't expect anything like this!! I want to go home already. I'm afraid of thieves, everyone, no sleep, no dryness, no happiness. Will I be miserable? Why have I come!? I want to cry.
[End]

July 9th [Day 1] I Want To Go HOME
During the first Korean lecture, I thought this:
I hate not understanding his Korean. Korean. Listening with a radio. 싫어!
Later:
I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE!
Okay, stressing to write b4 forgetting. Woke up 4:30am, surprised how awake I could be. White shirt. So hot, hunger pains, no shower... Hoon dok he reading the peace messages. My Friend Joe exercises XD Cleaning duties. OMG Winna and Harumi and Karen are here!!! HAD NO IDEA!!!!
When I climbed the mountain, I sweat gallons, breathed hard, legs shook, felt like gonna faint. Wanna die, burst into tears!! Prayed at the tol. I've forgotten my goals, my purpose of coming. Wrote them down, but don't have them with me. I wanna go home. I feel miserable. Wanna go home.
But I'd die from guilt. My mom and dad paid $2,000+ for me to come here, FOR NOTHING.
Makes me wanna cry even more.
I hated walking up and down the hill. Today too. Sweating gallons just sitting in the shade. After lunch went to tower and store. Store is awesome with blasting icy AC, tons of awesome stuff, music! I didn't buy anything.
If I call my parents, like Jessica and Rebecca did after the store, I think I'd burst into tears and beg to go home. Really. All day I was like that.
But I'd die from guilt. So basically, I'm stuck here.
I'll never waste money again. If I don't fulfill my goals, I'll give Daddy back every penny for everything. I'm so afraid.
Korean class after HDH at 5:45am
접수 - registration.
강의(실) - lecture (room)
Breakfast. Force down raisin bread and warm milk (ew). There are no anpan like I'd been looking forward to. No appetite but starving. Huge cafeteria.
Oh yeah. Took shower. Was better than how I dreaded, but still scary. everyone so shameless!! So embarrassed, but turning the water to the coldest setting at the last minute felt soooo good. Nearly slipped and broke my neck after xp.
Immediately after the shower, I sweated and stunk. ARGH!
Seriously, when I forgot my towel and had to all the way back down the hill, I wanted to die. Really. Rather than suffer 40 days like this, die and end it all! At least I can sleep and not sweat.
Maybe not, actually... xnx;
The thought of 39 more days like this made me want to burst into tears.
Chanyang. I was SO AMAZED at the beginning. Like... the main vocalist calling out something in Korean, then everyone yells "YAH!" and it echoes loudly and then claps three times and something else and then the keyboardist comes in, then the drums and i can't follow anything. BUT IT WAS SO COOL.
But I know NOTHING of the lyrics. Feel horrible. But the team is so cool...
But before CY, there were three people on stage. Korean middle, English translator on left, Japanese translator on right. Well, the right was supposed to translate into Japanese, right? But he translated into ENGLISH right after the English translator did! Everyone burst out laughing lol it was so funny/cute XXDD
Translators are so cool.
OMG just realized now. maybe seeing these translators @ work (volunteer...) will influence me to deduce that the purpose of my life is to translate? But there are also musicians...
I asked a girl if it was too late to join. She said there were too many people, no opening yet.
I WANNA CRY.
I wish my family was here to suffer with me.
Chanyang was the best part of today.
[umm... my journal entries are soooo mixed up! i mean, one day is full of yesterdays and stuff... ><;]

July 10th [Day 2]
Happy B-day, Heechul-oppa ^^
HDH, sing weakly, pledge, learning how to bow, not able to find the page in my book because mine's different. So ahrd to stay awake. girl next to me helped me find page.
All day yesterday I wanted to cry. I miss my parents. Rather than stay here I want to die!! I can't handle it. I hate everything. I want to sleep. Yesterday we did "Devotion." Samishiri? Weed picking. Bus ride was the only good part. Sweat shows through my pants. The main Korean leader dude there did mostly everything, though there were like 50+ of us.
I want to speak Korean so bad.
The climb up the mountain was killer as usual. But this time I bottled the Water of Life. I prayed for no more stomach problems cuz yesterday, I felt really. Really. SICK. Couldn't eat anything, threw dinner away. Jessica and Rebecca filled my water for me. Sooo thankful cuz so thirsty but too sick to even stand. I drink lots. Then they bought me a ORANSSHI SODA. I wanted to cry. They're the most beautiful hearted girls I know. I drank it and felt better, really...!!! =D
But I still wanna go home, thinking I can't live 40 days here.
Today's breakfast, felt a lot better. Like the milk now ^^
Morning Chanyang (CY abbrev.) (OMG- 한국어 너무 아름다워!) i became different. I almost memorised one first full verse, so i sang that (can reach all the notes of the verse, even with my awful low voice!). i willed the evil spirits out of me, losing my self-consciousness. I was proud and thankful to be a part of this, having the blessing to do this.
Yeah, CY is the best part of each day. I thought i'd be tired of it most, an dlike the SERVICE PROJETS th emost, but it's completely OPPOSITE XD
A lecture by... Rev.... AGH! I can never hear their names! I dunno!! but he had nice powerpoint, all in beautiful Korean <3 Translation through radio. Argh I wish I was good enough to do that... ZOMG he talked about the food and music festival!! I'M SO EXCITED AND SINCE THE FIRST DAY I CAME HERE, I DIDN'T FEEL UNBEARABLY SLEEPY!
At lunch, met Daehi and his wife!!! =D and I was hungry again! i'm so happy!!! i'm not sick anymore!! my prayers @ JSW, Tree of Blessing, and Water of Life are anwered!! I Feel so good!! the food was good!! Miso soup, tonkatsu, purple rice, kimchi and veggies <3
When we leave lunch, this tiny blond kid chases us (Screaming) and like, punches and grabs us... really funny... got a picture...
go to store. wanna buy pledge in Korean and presents for family, ice cream, but buy nothing yet ^^
Walk around with Reb/Jes talking excitedly about SuJu, the concert, SHINee, GAAAHH SO EXCITED XXDD
Journaling at JSW, read DP for 2 hours, break, excercise (LOL, August) then we rearranged into new groups. Now we're all split up (when i refer to "we" i mean Sharon, Grace, Jessica Rebecca and I.)
I thought I heard Thomas call "Seiya" but not sure =\ Seiya, the Chopin pianist, is here?! (Still, I didn't know Nina was his sister...)
@ Chanyang *goshdarnsitall* i was half-asleep. Couldn't even hum (still don't know words) and couldn't keep my eyes open. Winna had to move my hand cuz I kept slapping my face when everyone else was on neck LOLOL XP.
Go down to Jeongshimweon to pray. Then up for HDH. Then down to close. I CAN'T STAND HOW MANY TIMES WE DO PLEDGE!!!! XNX; up to our sleeping room, want to collapse. Didn't brush teeth. just lay in bed. Groups are supposed to close/talk, but we don't have groups yet so go to sleep. I wanna be in Sharon, Grace, Jes/Reb's group...
I stink so bad. I looked into the mirror and saw hos seriously hideous I was and it doesn't feel like I'm getting skinnier even though I'm eating only a little, sweating gallons, and exercising 24/7.
And I'm so jealous of the pianist for our Int. group!!!!! XP
But I sleep like that *snaps*
Um... 神様。。。　今。。。　今すぐ殺して下さい｡　もうやりたくない｡　完璧な기도 생활을 없다고 미안합니다. 바보같은　バカな　uglyな　USELESS　내가 살고 미안합니다. HDH을 했는 때 30min ago에 寝てしまって　미안합니다.
I'm sorry I don't have the same prayer life as this girl. (she woke me, asked if I knew where we were on the page, I said yes but i didn't know, & she snorted and looked away.
I was so tired, I couldn't stand it and stay awake. But I Was wide awake after that. After that, the girl on my left suggested me to read th eCP book we got where it says "do not fall asleep."
Um... at Jeongshimweon, it was all I could do not to cry. Eyes/throat burning. Forehead sweating. Not tired.
I'm waiting for group meetings so we can go to sleep and i can cry into my nonexistant pillow.
Didn't shower today. Tomorrow An Shi Il. Also b-day party. But all I can think about and want to do is go straight home, on the airplane BY MYSELF, and cry the whole way.
Please...!? I want to die I want to sleep I miss my parents I want to be HAPPY!!!!
Some people here care more about hair and shower. At least I gave my all in CY, and going up and down the hill... (sweat = proof)
I miss piano. guitar. violin. home.
I miss THE COMMUNITY THAT KNOWS AND LOVES ME. Younghi, Mr. Townsend, Eisenmans, Cotters, Kikuchi, Mims, EVERYONE I'VE NEVER SPOKEN OTO!! I've never realized how Much i love and miss them!!!
I Want to run, run with my weak self down the road and out of CP, home. Or anywhere in Korea. Mabe I'd lose weight running, lost in the Korean countryside, away from fear.

July 11 [Day 3]
Horrible waking up; getting tired now. Blue skirt, whit eblouse. An Shi Il NO DIFFERENT than NORMAL DAYS WTHECK.
I didn't know you pronounced "eight" without the last "ㅂ" o_<;
Guess what. Last night I didn't cry. Because I was too tired.
Yesterday a lady fainted after CY.
Today, spent the longest time at the Holy Ground. Saw the Palace on the way down when fog cleared. There was no milk left at breakfast, but I got sweet yummy juice <3
We (Jessica, Rebecca and me. Always together) pray, lauch about constipation. I stink so bad. Sweating is embarrassing, especially at CY when we do 허리 xp Memorizing more and more lyrics yay. This lady was crying/whining after CY, as other tried to help her...
At special lecture, shared my radio with lady from Malaysia...? My radio was only non-staticy when I was holding it with both hands and LOOKING AT IT. OMG SO FRUSTRATED. So sleepy. My back hurts. So TIRED. At least no sweat in the AC room.
Then omg i couldn't stand my radio and just gave the thing to the lady to use by herself, and i understood no more of the lecture. Just suffered through pure Korean that I couldn't understand. my head itches like crazy.
Yeah this translator is kinda slow, sighing like he doesn't even want to do it. Yesterday's translator was GOOD *Jealous*
At 1:30 I heard electric guitar and drum sounds coming from the CY room! So i went down and listened... I think someone broke their leg. He was being supported by two guys.
난 청평에서 신기오빠 같은 사람이 있어라도 생각했어. 모두 사람은 신기오빠 같지 않습니다. 진짜. BTA 사람 같아? 아니. 아니!!
BTA와 BAFC교회 사람을 보고 싶다.
Right now I'm bored.
"죽을 만큼 보~고~싶다..."
[どう～して。。。　君を好きになってしまったんだろう…<3」
ピアノを本当に本当に弾きたい。　=(　いつもいつも誰かが弾いているよ…X(　
I know some people are going to STF in a few days. I won't see them for a very, very long time.
さよなら｡
さよなら、오빠.

「どう～して。。。」

やんなっちゃうよ｡　また泣きそうになってしまったよ｡　
지금부터 내일 생일 파티의 perf을 연습 하겠습니다.

[right here i wrote rainiy night, sakura, evergreen lyrics lol...]

[okay, i'm not condensing anything, seriously. so now, i'll do bullet points]
- I want to feel better, do these 40 days with more heart for my future husband. I realized this. "Maybe... I came here for my husband...?" It really H.I.T. me.
- Out of nowhere, I felt God tell me, "It's okay."
- The B-day party was crazy!! Yummy sponge bake, McCol, group performances (ours... um... ><;) was funny! THE BEST WAS THE KOREAN GROUP'S, WHERE THEY ACTED OUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN CP THEN ANGELS POPPED OUT AND WERE LIKE, "안돼!" XD Also the dance remix of Grace of the Holy Garden! XD THE FINALE, OMG the Kangsanims!!! They're a rock band!!! MOSH PIT! XD

- two day workshop began
- fell asleep during lecture but then he said "music festival" and i was like WHOA WHAT!?"
- this CY session was truly the best I was ever a part of so far. so many new people... but really, i was gonna die if i didn't sleep soon.
- haven't had a pillow here but i sleep just fine. shinu gurai tsukareteru kara.
- the sisters don't seem to want to be here, are always sleeping with their heads down on their desks. but the brothers on the other hand, they read aloud during hdh, sing really loud and clap louder, volunteer for things, do the silly exercises whole-heartedly, and.. are simply, good!

Solidified goals for this workshop, for me:
- preparation for the Matching, Blessing
- memorize all the song lyrics & pledge
- find the purpose of my life
- become the best me possible. best daughter, sister, friend i can be
- get a haircut
- lose lots of weight.

I just want to be kind, warm, friendly, amazing, beautiful-inside & outside for my husband...

July 12 [Day 4]
Here, in Korea, with the prospect of spending 36 more days, I almost believe that I could do an International Blessing and be okay, away from my parents. But I don't think I realize: it's forever. 永遠に｡　영원히.

I'm definitely a morning person in CP. It's getting easier to wake up and stay awake. BUt at night, I'm DEAD.
Talked about constipation and homeschooling. Then CY.
Daemonim spoke to us! I was so tired and squished by people but didn't fall even half-asleep. Then ANOTHER CY! WTHECK!? But it was the loudest, most whole-hearted one ever for me. I sing all the high notes I can and clap hard, not fall even half-asleep, but we didn't do lower back and hacheh this time =\?
I wanted to cry when we prayed after. Then "Hallelujah..." whoa... moving...
I hate my hair. Where's the barber?
I'm afraid to call ome. Don't have a card yet, but... I'll still cry I know it. And I'm afraid for my batteries.
It feels like all the people here, especially moms/gandmas/dads etc... HATE US. Or AT LEAST, JUST ME.
And... I feel like... the true BCs are at home... HOME, in BAFC. Deanne and Kwanchai, David Lapres, One-Hyun and Robert... also 1st gen. They love EVERYONE. I feel hated here. By everyone and I feel it's because... argh omg i can't stand it... i feel they hate and judge me ebcause i'm ugly and not full asian!! like... like... i'm supposed to be beautiful because i'm a bc, but i'm NOT so they hate me or something... i want to believe it's just evil spirits inside me, and satan tellingm e these things but it feels like... me.

this morning, breakfast was anko bread. happy... <3
Climbing the mountain kills me, kills me every morning. sweating, breathing hard, legs screaming. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE PREGNANT LADIES DO IT TOO. I JUST CAN'T.
I've killed like 5 mosquitoes, just sitting here.
at lunch, Olivia started crying because she realized we had just done ancestor liberation andshe hadn't known it... Sharon and Jessica and Rebecca consoled her (me and Grace didn' tknow what to do ><) Sharon said that once, her dad SLEPT THROUGH ONE LOL XXDDD then the twins bought her the same drink they bought me.
They're the kindest two girls i've ever met.
I sweat.
*I mean swear!
they say sorry and thank you to everything and everyone!! they're insanely kind, generous, polite and cute. they talk a mix of chi/jap/eng at home lol!
It's odd to hear the pianist or drummer mess up during CY.
The airplane/bus ride home will be so good. I'm so random.
I went to Jeongshim tower, these two guys came and I felt like they wanted me out so I LEFT HMPH. Then they started SINGING. So I recorded it lol from outside. Their voices floated and echoed and harmonized in the tower lolol XD
I took lots of pictures and videos today. I really want to show them to my parents, family, neighbors... I miss them <3
I'm glad I'm used to things here for now... I just can't believe there's 36 days left. It's the longest time I've been away from my parents, 40 days... thousands of miles away, too ><; My limits are tested everyday! Stamina, thirst, sleep, will to try to be happy...
whenever people nearby laugh, i think they're laughing at ME. like... "how did a bc get THAT ugly!?" or something... x(
Jessica and Rebecca are fearless! they ask anybody around about detergent, chairs, etc... in any language too! but they apologize too much xp
THEN OMG! I updated my journal at 10:45pm like this:
I'mexcitedrightnowcompletelytoutterrubbishstutterbecauseI SIGNED UP FOR CHANYANG AAGHHH!!!! Kohwa's so nice!! Kinesha tooo!! OMG I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD BUT KOHWA SAID I PROLLY MIGHT GET IN CUZ PIANISTS LACK!!! I MEAN ARE FEW!!!!! I'm not even tired anymore though I RAANN up and own the hill today, IN THE RAIN!! Feeling ever more excited for the rest of the 40 days!!!! THANK YOU, 神様！!!!！

July 13 [Day 5] Fun Rainy Day
It's so cool to watch CY practice. I'll be with them soon I hope!! XD
At HDH i learn nothing. I'm not even trying to listen my head is going "------------" and i'm too tired.
okay yesterday, in the laundry room (sweated about a gallon in 5 minutes) we asked like five people on how to use the machines. it rained really hard, we met kaori-san (she ignored me, just focused on jessica an drebecca though i was right there. she left without even meeting me, so rebecca was like "hey wait, this is Jenny!" to her lol omg...)
Ran in the rain to pray, get laundry, then rush back for CY... sounds so stressful, yeah? But it was SO. FUN. CRAZY. FUN <3
A couple days ago, we ended DP reading on the page with my bookmark. I set that bookmark like a year ago O_O whoa!
I'm trying to do my best at Chanyang, singing loud, clapping hard, repentful, grateful thoughts while trying to remember the lyrics perfectly...
OH!
These days, I wake up in the middle of the night, half asleep, because i hear so much talking around me. the room feels huge, and is a dark blue color. it's like everyone's awake and talking but the room is dark. it's just like what happened in SFP 2006, when lack of sleep, food and water and ehaustion made me... spiritually open...!?
COOL!!
Brothers are so good... so many volunteered for representative prayers, unlike sisters... like me ><
I'm thinking about the Blessing a lot.
And also about how much free time I'll have to sacrifice to do CY team. But fulfilling my promise and making my parents happy and proud, doing it for everyone, for God, myself too, the satisfaction and fulfillment of doing it... I HAVE TO!!! =D
Before CY, 동산의 노래 is too. beautiful. a capella, echoing, mix of sisters and brothers voices... so beautiful.
Someone here looks like Emmeline Yoo from YT/FB! Met Heejin... used to know her from our church...?
"We've got the spirit, yes we do; we've got the spirit, how 'bout you!!?????" My Friend Joe too XP
OMG SHARON AND GRACE'S $600 WERE STOLEN!!! AND SOMEONE ELSE'S $300!!! AND THOMAS-OPPA'S CELLPHONE!!!
I'M TERRIFIED, and ALSO FEEL HORRIBLE FOR THOSE PEOPLE!!
Kristy's pony watch is getting permanently foggy with mist and moldy too...!! O_O;
OMG when I listen to CY/practice, and the brother playing piano for our gruop's singing (OHC style, but with piano.) I'm SO JEALOUS. I MISS PIANO SO MUCH. It's been a whole week, though it feels like i don't even play piano!!! I have to play soon. it feels like i'm forgetting everything!!! *horrified* i hope my violin is okay. top floor. the varnish is melting maybe!? why oh why do we get the top floor...!!?
I loved the weather yesterday. Typhoon/humid/gray/lots of rain. Reminds me of Japan, summer 2003 when we visited. Still sweaty, but it's oh so nice. Esp. rnning through the rain cuz we have to.
Someday... 남편와... <3
Jes/Reb and I raced to our third floor during rush to get laundry. Ran up rainy hill! So. FUN. NOT TIRING. Sweaty like heck, BUT SO FUN!!!
We watched a movie today. GHOST!!! It was so relaxing to just sit in the dark lecture room and go into a different world, a fake world ^^ but.. it broke with like 3 minutes left lol! ><;
I've seen it before, but it's GREAT WITH BCS XD Laughing, grossing out, clapping (when bad guy died XD) got lots of good korean vocab (subs) written down, like real life words!
Met Mr. and Mrs. Hewitt! and Mrs. Rivetti of all people!!!!!! :DDDD SO KIND <3
Am I becoming prettier on the inside...?
LOL OOOHHH At 10:30-ishpm in this night's journal entry, i wrote exactly:
OMG IS NINA SEIYA'S SISTER!?!

July 14 [Day 6] Hospital Checkup + Chanyang Team Rejection
I can't help but feel crushed because I wasn't picked for the CY team. 3 ppl were. Rebecca one of them!! Also the button on my camera broke, but it still works. Fasted breakfast. Prayed a lot. Waited an hour in the CY hall, just watching the CY meeting and practice of the group I'm supposed to be in.
I wanted to be in it so much.
I WANT to be in it so much.

[10:30am at Cheongshimhanbangbyungweon]
A dude (WHITE dude) is talking about medicine and the hospital. hard to stay awake. this hospital is #1 in foreign babies born and foreign patients. cool~
Um... at the CY like half an hour ago, I had the worst thoughts ever. SICKENING!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!! I HATE MY HORRIBLE THOUGHTS!! WHY!??
Sooooo thirsty...!!! so sleepy...
Now watching Spirited away lol!!!! But then our check up... it was pretty weird... embarrassing picture of rib cage or whatever... weight and height (DREADED) urine test (urgh... >n<;) then blood sample (ow) then two chocopies and a maeil milk yay! I think it was the first chocolate i had eaten in a year.
Later I bought a songbook and cream soda drink.
OMG OLIVIA CAN SPEAK PERFECT JAPANEEEEESSE!!!! AAAAGHH!!!!! XD
Talked with Cherisa Hewitt (omg, grown up!) an dJes/Reb babbling about DBSK and SUJU whom Cherisa hates O____<; and Epik High etc...
My elbow... the inside, where they took blood... there's like a pool of green under the skin... O_o and a red line where the needle went... is that bad?
At shower, met a really nice lady who saw how self-conscious I was and said "your towel would do better over there..." but I say it's okay and she say "everyone's the same, there's nothing to be embarrassed about..." ^^

I realized at the 2nd CY of the day, I should be repenting. I should be hitting my feet a lot harder. Repenting for... OMG. When I realized that... I cried a lot. At JWS prayer too.
After I felt a lot better. Like I won't let it happen again.

Later met Erika from Luxembourg! And Soonae from England <3 It made my day when Olivia said I was kawaii. Tho I've been and still will avoid my reflection.
So tired. Resigning for Chanyang list.

July 15 [Day 7] Rejected for Chanyang Team x2
Rebecca has a huge bug bite on her leg!
OMG! Happy 16th Birthday Justin!! (My lil bro) I still remember your hug, from July 8th.. X3
When I try to focus on the page and its words, my eyes go crazy, unable to keep up with the reader and try to shut down.
Kamisama please let someone find and return Sharon and GRace's money!! $600, it's not fair!!

These days, I start thinking like... "what can I do for You, Heavenly Father? What can I do to ease your pain, just a tiny little bit, for a minute? I'm here at your command. I'll do whatever I can for You..."
I haven't slept through any lecture for a few days now. I don't want to stop the shedding of evil spirits...
Please, Kamisama... am I here for my future husband? Do I even have a husband in the future? Why have I come here, to Cheongpyeong?
Got a pink keychain as souvenir from the hospital... <3 the song from the airplane has been playing in my head (as well as TOKIO's "Ambitious Japan" which I woke up with today XD) yeah... "kibuni chowa...~" <3
With song team, we sang as the deer and "Saranghae Tangshineul..." omg so beautiful <3

OUR GOAL HERE, IS TO BECOME TRUE SONGS AND DAUGHTERS OF GOD, says Moon-Kangsanim. =D Find your true identity <-- LFSO, teamwork, sacrifice for the whole.

My arm is green and puffy now...
Met Ran at laundry room; we both needed change for the machines xp she's so cute! it was so hot in there that when we got out, it was like a winter wind outside...
not really xp
Chanyang team = full until further notice.
Crushed.
But I think it's okay... God is here... isn't He? <3
"Taekhashin taekhashin!! ... Hap!! Yeoksa!!!"
This CY session was the least sweaty. They took out a line of sisters so there was room to breathe lol. felt so cleaaaannn esp after shower! but throat parched and right arm aching. then i walked extra to get water from the cafeteria, and i was driping with sweat. "dude it's dark outside." i gulped the bottle of water in ten seconds.
한국어 너무 예뻐서... *singing*

July 16 [Day 8] Soyokaze
I just felt like... I want to give my husband (future) a massage.

On the mountain this morning, all was clear for miles around and there was a HEAVENLY BREEZE. Soyokaze. It felt so. wonderful. I prayed and took pictures for mama and daddy when i go home, to show them.
Two anko breads + milk carton <3 Rebecca hardly with us since she joined CY team, always have to go early.
I bought a phone card of 4 hours and 4 minutes for $10.50 and called Justin to tell him Happy B-day! I almost cried right when Daddy answered...x\ Justin wanted the chords to Suju's "Miracle" O_O; I think I did cry, when mama came on... like a lot... and stayed on the phone for a long time lol...
Stranded under the cover of the steps of the kage, surrounded by... "troubled kids" O_< needed to get away so ran through rain. cleaned up lockers as devotion yay XD Talked with Lisa from... Nevada? =D
I had dinner duties but line for dinner was huge. Then this Korean lady pulled my arm and was ACTED LIKE 'hey, come on...' and pulled me to a secret, shorter line lol!! XD
Dinner duties = long pink rubber apron. Start sweating and picking up dishes (silver platter things...) I thought it'd be bad, but everyone was extremely nice and it MADE MY DAY <3 getting dirty plates!! I couldn't stop smiling!!! I wanted to do it everyday!!!

Last night I fell asleep trying to memorize Dongsaneh Norae with the book in front of me, and I remember someone took the book out of my hand and put it by my bed aw!!! X3
Most awake during DP ever! Read along even, trying to imitate PAtrick-oppa's British accent... x3
Jessica and I went up to the stage to sing with the song team! It was so cool and fun XD

Um... lots of people don't follow the rules.

Three best parts of the day:
<3 soyokaze, asani
<3 dinner dish duties
<3 singing on stage
<3 Winna telling me to remind her to tell Thomas about me playing piano for song team

July 17 [Day 9] Day of Many Tears >n<;
Morning exercises: watched the official video tutorial for Cheongpyeong exercises IT WAS SO FUNNY *tears of laughter* MAINLY BECAUSE OF AUGUST'S COMMENTARY XXDDD I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW FUNNY HE WAS XD
I did everything really quickly so I could sit in the CY hall and memorize Dongsaneh norae for an hour. In CY I was so tired and sleepy. We took individual pictures ><;
My bruise/blood leak thing in my arm is green/brown now. Kristy's watch still misty, moldy at the rim.
I want to study and know Korean.
화장지를 병기안에 버리지마세요.

After lunch, when lots of girls suddenly joined our workshop, I ran to the phone, ready to cry, then burst into tears as I talked to Mama Misa and Kristy. I feel so sressed, tired, eternally hot and so fat and ugly. Everyone's beautiful. I'm trying to make my inside and outside beautiful here... is it working!? Kamisama... jebal... where are You? I want to cry...
Mama told me to pray, go get Water of Heaven, it's too far to come home when you feel like it. I cried and cried... I miss them.
I missed the sisters' bus to Cheong-A camp oops. Went on the brother's bus with other sisters, sat next to Taka Tsuchihara lol ^^ OMG THEY PLAYED SHINee'S "Replay." I would've been extremely excited if Jessica and Rebecca had been there to exclaim it to, and if I hadn't just been crying.
At Cheong-A Camp, start cheering up because the music, K-pop is banging through the speakers throughout the huge room. would've loved it like crazy if I was happy, a song I knew, and I was with more people I knew.
But it was fun...
I screamed/chanted/cheered/did the wave a lot, while juggling my camera and batteries.
Seijin오빠 is full of everlasting energy. Yelling, cartwheeling five times, jumping, joining every single game... omgoodness!

Updated later @ 10:30 exactly like this:

Aw man.
Yeah.
I cried. In public.
First I'll finish about the Sports Festival.
Stretches, DANCING TO KPOP OMG FUN FUN!! Extremely Fun <3 tho i suck XD and basketball games. we cheered a lot... Kinesha, Seijin, other guy and August were our cheerleadesr and tried to rouse up our Team Tongil~
"HWAITING!!"
YMCA, Tell Me, Haptic Motion, Cooking Cooking <-- the songs I recognized and loved!!! <3 Tho SJH didn't sing yoriwang... =\
Took vids of the silly games lol... we rolled a huge bal over our heads, and had shouting contests which our team always always won for some reason... wore long hats, do obstacles, dizzy, dive through tunnel... blow and pop balloon with butt, lie down, on the whistle jump up and run to grab flag, duck flippers and football... freestyle dance not fun for me yeah... I don't like the way some girls danced. Or act in general... ><;
Heejin is my new friend <3
On the bus back, REbecca and I sing "Miracle" XD bus is awesome <3 Shower, laundry, sweat. I got depressed from being so ugly. Up and down hill for laundry yummy dinner.

Updated later because fell asleep when the lights went off.
So, well, we met to break into groups and read about True Father's life instead of do HDH. We had new seats fo keep the order of age in our groups, so I was one back now, in someone else's seat. We were supposed to move. But this person didn't want to, and she came to me and asked me to move back one, but in a way of demanding and knowing that I eventually will and that she can make me, or else she'll get th teacher or something. Like I'm dirt that she can kick around.
I talked back, actually. Quietly. Unconsciously. Like I didn't think about it. Forgot what I said. Olivia, up one to the left now, tried to help, understand what was happening. This girl wanted her spot back because she "likes this chair."
Well, I moved back. Near tears. I looked back for Mina, but... well yeah I moved back one and sat frozen until we were dismissed.
Then, walking, Rebecca joins me and asks what happened. What, was everyone in the room watching or something...? -_-; I try to brush it off like nothing happened because if I open my mouth I'll cry. Then Olivia comes, asks in Japanese if I'm really okay. I nod because my throat is stuck now. Almost, almost to the door and they keep asking me, Olivia saying I don't seem okay, my eyes start stinging...
And I cried, 네, 울었습니다. Olivia hugged me, Rebecca too, then while I was sobbing, Christelle-onni comes frmo nowhere and hugs me too, asks what's wrong... don't cry...
Ahhh guys are everywhere, I wanna cry outside...
I gurgle that I'm just homesick.
Getting shoes, Olivia asks in Japanese if I really am just homesick, or was it... her? I dunno how to say "both" in Japanese, so in English I say. I think the girl was right there too o_<; aha... but so was Mina. Mina and Naomi-onni (leaders of my group) don't like the hassle she puts up...
But... but I wanted to think of this with God's viewpoint... He loves her... equally as me!! So I should NOT HATE HER, NO, NO!!!
But after Georgia-Li hugged me, and I furiously wiped away tears, I couldn't stop NEARLY crying over and over again.
Read TF's life. Mina tell me to tell her if I ever need anything. I couldn't really focus on the words that we were "studying."
I tried to smile.
I want to reach Your direct-dominion, Kami-sama.
I rushed to JSW, wanting the cool night air and prayer, to hear the beautiful Dongsaneh Norae that everyone sang so often everyday. Nearly cried during that. Then burst into tears again during prayer.
하나님 아버지, is this how your heart feels all the time? So pained? Crushed by a fellow BC, missing my family, so tired/sweaty all the time... I feel miserable and crushed and hurt. Do You feel like this too, all the time? Heavenly Father, dont suffer like this! We're coming back to You. As You have lent me your shoulder to cry on, I want to be there for You. Don't suffer and hurt like this anymore. We BCs will help bring the world back to You.

July 18 [Day 10] Meet Piano Brother ^^
Called home for the third day in a row. Dad told me not to be pushed around lol and that he'll come on a rescue mission if he has to <3 omg i miss them so much. He told me to go play piano... so I did!!!
Eunhye-onni and Soonhwa helped me set up the piano, eventually asking the main pianist guy to help us lol... we were the only girls practicall there... well... i played piano. mixed feelings. SO HAPPY. so nervous. guilty. eager.

Then...omg... Pianist comes, turns the volume way up, and sits down in a nearby chair and turns the fan towards me.
"I want to hear what you're playing."
Well, I got 200x more nervous, but I was playing Grace of the Holy Garden. Sheet music right there! and ZOMG ITS IN F. I can almost play it now. Yay I haven't forgotten piano!! I was so afraid I had forgotten everything in ten days, which have felt more like a month.
Oh, Winna and I finally told Thomas about pianio!! He was so happy I could play!! =D
Back to the stage... um well, I could play nothing, with Pianist practically waiting for me. I noticed a guy leaning over my shoulder then, lower an dlower. I looked up, terrified. But he was kind looking! ^^ Not Pianist. Another brother from Spain, though.
He said something like... maybe "what ar eyou playing" or i dunno but then "Do you know..." and then stumbled through a bit of the Rugrats Theme song until my own hand went up on its own and started playing along.
"Oh, you know it too?"
*stuttermumble* I dunno...
Pianist comes over "Ok we'll do it together, all three of us..." and so we try, lol... Pianist kept slapping his friend's hand because he messed up lol. Pianist did intricate left hand; I can't even keep the melody straight while he was playing, so... complicated x_<;
Yeah, laughing, they leave... "sorry" I wave my hands, no, no... then go sit down cuz Prince of Egypt is starting.
So tired.
Fall of Man lecture after, eyes hurt, throat sore, stomach contractions - want to cough, nose running. NO I'm getting sick!! O______<"
One of first people in dinner line. kinda lonely, but if i were alone in CP, I'd be getting everywhere early.

Well, I'm officially *@#$%^.
Hospital checkup results.
Want to... want to... I want to...
AAHHHH KAMISAMA...

July 19 [Day 11] Deep Japanese Prayer
Because Daddy told me to play piano yesterday, I was really determined to not let him down. That's how I was able to do it, even though there were brothers everywhere and I had to get lots of help from others. But yeah playing piano yseterday would've been a huge destresser if there hadn't been people around ^^;
I woke up with Grace of the Holy Garden in my head.
I think... I mean I feel like we're all very separated. The Japanese stick with Japanese, Spanish with Spanich, un-BC-like with the same. It's sad. Oh Chinese with Chinese too. I'm like a nobody ><; But stikck with Grace, Sharon, Reb/Jes. Since two days ago I've been going by myself though, trying to be on time/early... calling home.
OMG I'm awake for 19 hours, asleep for 5 every single day. Is that... okay? During meals, walking, and break time I'm awake, but other than that, I'm dead tired, nearly falling asleep like now.
I miss home, my pillow, bed, family, sleep, doing whatever I want... even... as well as... writing fanfic and playing music/listening whenver I want.
Me and three others were the only sisters on time for today's An Shi Il ^^ proud ^^
Went up mountain in rain. Feet/pants soaked. But still sweaty. At the top, I burst into surprising tears when I started praying. I prayed in nearly all Japanese. Insanely, absurdly, it was easier to pray in Japanese than English that one morning.
A sign, about the purpose of my life? =\
I wasn't thinking about that then. Pray standing up, looking out at fog down below from below my umbrella, just cry and cry, pray nonstop Japanese until only three people left up here. Deepest prayer here so far.
I'm searching for You, Kamisama. I'll find You, be with You, and... thank you for walking down the mountain with me.
Um Um when I was asking God where He was, it started raining harder, rain slamming my umbrella as if he was answering. I heard Him...
[ここにいるよ！！]
Back down... with God... I heard Him right away. In Grace's funny sound, in Naomi and Mina... they tell me to join them at breakfast. But it was muffy (no AC at breakfast) and I wanted to eat outside. I called Mama. But I got late for JSW and CY, and got back seat but I was so happy with God that I made the best of it, and did my best~
The main vocal would go "Gaseum! Gaseum! Mune mune mune!!" LOL!! :D Lots of people here for 2 day workshop from Japan I guess...
My bruise (I guess it's a bruise) is huge and redish now, but doesn't hurt. Coughing, nose running, throat hurting, but i'm heiki heiki XD
We wrote out club ideas on paper. Then a brother from the card team of CY comes to Jes/Reb and I and stares at them, talking, smiling... we have no idea what he said, tho he spoke English!!! *confuseD*
Just now, realized... are Seijin-oppa and Kohwa siblings..!!?
At lunch, watermelon! <3

At 2:15, I listened to Pianist playing Moonlight Sonata's 3rd movement and OMG so JEALOSU, he ISSSS GOOD. Nooooo... Daddy said don't feel bad if he's a prodigy... you don't have to be a prodigy to play that, just... goooood XP
Sharon playing guitar, brothers playing mafia... I wanna play what I want o npiano... *cry* I'm sooo jealous... I can't stay awake...
Seriously, kibuni AN chowa. Physically exhausted, sick, tired, yawning, coughing, sniffling, eyes teary from yawns, throat, voice weird, just bad. Inside feel worried cuz if I get too sick how am I gonna find my purpose, my life's purpose!!??? OR DO ANYTHING!!? inside I feel eager to learn about the Blessing and Matching, and CY and stuff but physical body is holding me back so much...
After dinner, tons of people came. I called my parents, forgetting it was 1:30AM. OMG I WAS SO SORRY.
Went to huge, huge hall now. Listened with translation all right. A CY session, then Daemonim. Couldn't take it. Half-sleep through the whole thing. Then OMG. Another ansu. I started crying. Oh, went to JSW after first one, so crowded sweaty, bumping, not moving, raining, tiredtiredtired. Can't sing with this voice anymore either. Yeah by the time went to JSW for the closing, i cried like a baby. Can't take it. Too much. Miss family. Dongsaneh norae too beautiful. Too tired. Just wanna sleep. Please. Go to bed with sore throat stinging, running nose, cnostant sniffling under. tried to BREATHE warm air under the covers.

July 20 [Day 12] Awesome-est Piano Day XD
4 hours of sleep not enough. But I was okay, surprisingly, at HDH. Still feel miserable though. OH NO WAIT, HDH was at the big hall! Never mind, I WAS NOT OK, I was late, and half slept through the whole thing.
I love the rain, but it doesn't help when I climb the mountain. But lightning and thunder = <3
I ate breakfast with Jessica and Rebecca who found me, outside under the overhang thing on the 2nd floor of the Heavenly Palace. they talked about school problems, while eating red bean paste breads <3 still raining. Thank you God, for the rain. It makes the day 100% better.
Then CY... was ancestor liberation. It was an octave higher, in G!!!
Finally, normal schedule again. Cleaning duties = wiping the floor, Japanese movie style XD Thomas-oppa came to me and asked me about piano, then tell me to introduce myself to Kenmei... so that's his name...^^ don't have to call him "Pianist" anymore... tho i don't know how to spell his name ><;
I reply, stuttering, that I don't know how to introduce myself, especially to a brother who's crazy good at piano!
After wiping the floors and cleaning duties, singing and Kenmei playing piano, then DP, then... I go up to stage because it's my turn to play piano now... because we're switching, playing piano... thomas-oppa introduces us at the piano lol. So nervous! But Kenmei shakes my hand; he's nice! What, I expected a pianist to be cold and serious or something I think... ^^; But no, friendly, & talented... =) But i think he skips Holy Ground >< as in climbing the mountain... ^^;;;
Well then yeah, he motions me to the piano and I played two songs with the song team. I Felt so good... I <3 piano & nae chingudeul. x3
Well, I joined the music club! Sharon's the leader, and taught us "IT's God's Community..." i think... then i just played random stuff like Bleeding Love, Holy Songs, and then Sharon brings up the "One family under God" song and sings it for me... and then i figure it out on piano.
I really fel tgod play through me. Or else, how else did I play by ear after nearly missing two week sof practice? Missed it so much... and my hands seemed to just play.
Sharon and Grace, even with the lost voices, sang with all their hearts, this song. So beautiful <3 then everyone went to shower or whatever, but we and harumi stayed, played requsts... like Chinese songs! Jay Chou, Tonghua, Aimei... this brother from Taiwan joined us (the one i thought of in my mind as the cool guy, with cool glasses lol ^^;;) and sat lol... I was happy to play songs that people knew! When I started Aimei they were like OH WHAT!? how do you know these songs!!??? And i was so proud and happy that i had found J-pop years ago, which led to K-pop and C-pop <33333
Naomi and Harumi took me to the sauna, which was 2,000 won, and i spnet and hour and a half taking a shower, sitting in the hot tub, sleeping in the room with a hot floor, and in the cold water pool XD got kind of used to be not um... wearing clothes when others are around... ><; met Yurika, age 12, from Tennessee. She looks like Joann! :D she shot waterguns in my face and dumped water on my head XP yeah, it all felt good and relazing.
Kouki i s here lol! Saw him a few times, then waved to him while we were walking to the lecture room. He gave a peace sign in reply lol XD he looks lonely tho... always alone...
At dinner, met sisters from Spain!Alda and Jessica! and they know the Chapitals omg!!!! :DDDD
I always rush around now. No journal time, breathe time =(
At Chanyang, I met a Japanese lady in front of me who tried to talk to me in English and sign language, so I asked... 「日本人ですか？」　then she was lol so happy~ she say i speak well, and that Japanese + British parents makes this beautiful child... omg she say i'm pretty... and before, Sharon called me the "star" of the music club, "so happy i'm recruiting such talented ppl" lol... cheers me up quite a bit yeah... xp

July 21 [Day 13] Made the Chanyang Team XD
Rain/cloudy <3 I feel like I can run up and down the mountain from the piano happiness from yesterday XD this time breakfast bread was filled with YELLOW paste. still equally yummy <3
Went to Cheong-A camp for the Korean Cultural Experience. Oooh! Taiwanese sister playing grand piano ooohhh so jealosu...!!!!
I had Korean Tea and Manners today, wich Rebecca. We learned how to bow, learned/wore Korean clothes, did the whole tea ceremony (so funny yet painful - legs buzzing) and ate mochiiiii <3
Jessica GOT TEASED THIS MORNING, while eating breakfast by herself!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! X_________________X;; WHAT!!???

Kinesha called three of us up to stage this morning. Yeah... I made the team. Chanyang. My dream. Still hasn't hit me. Later I told her thank you for letting me in, and she said I was the only girl to do so (say thank you) :D then she could tell I was serious about this, CY team, and not just joining because my friends were in or something. I had lunch with her and Heejin ^^
So... stressed, went to meet her @ 6:20 after buying CY pants and black socks and a new notebook. She told us CY was physically challenging, and we might miss meals; meet at 7:40am, 6:40pm. hen perform, have to wear CP pants and shirt, with pins and black socks.
And I joined the CY team, under Kayoko-san, the keyboard leader... XD

July 22 [Day 14] Unexplainable Things...
It's not cloudy cool and wonderful anymore. It's sunny and hot, and no shade, waiting for our turn at the archery range outside.
Okay, rewind.
So last night, Kinesha sends me off to keyboard leader. I'm fretting and wringing hands in front of everyone, and teacher has to yell over deafening boom of the drum (OMG had no idea it was so loud on stage). Asks name, where from, age, how long done piano. I see she write in Japanese, so tempted to help her instead of her stuggling to use English, but it was so loud and i was too terrified, praying every spare second.
I stay out of the line of practicing girls (whole team female yay) wishing I practiced more... ><; then pray, bow, make a circle -- "August-sshi!!" blah blah blah sshi, "DEBUT!!" and i have no idea what's going on. We had to introdce outselves, the new members. Harumi, Ara, Insun...
"My name is Jenny and I'm doing keyboard..."
"KEYBOARD!!!!"
I want to say "piano" why is it keyboard? Piano is much more pretty...
Seijin-oppa translates for English, piano members translates for Korean...

Kamisama... Chanyang Team wo join shimashita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did CY like normal, with Heejin... CP pants are horribly uncomfortable! sweaty, itchy sticky >n<; Now back to today.
Dude. my mind is contaminated. too late. the rest of the 40 days (26-ish) days... doomed? [this part is not comprehensible to normal reader... sorry. i won't be explaining though... xp]
Q&A with Rev. Compton was good. OMG last night we had a DP test. I think i failed. Jes/Reb and I studied the wrong questions. EVERYONE DID WTHECK.
i thank God a lot these days.

I'm so stressed about getting to CY practice on time now. at this practice, i played keyboard like other members, messing up like crazy. then the leader comes and tells me it was almost perfect. WHAA!!?? she says 'debut' in a sentence i didn't understand.
omg. my dream. come true.
she half-slaps me, teasingly, when finds out i understand a lil Japanese x3 and to practice tanshimga whenever i can, and also the eye chek stuff.
Before HDH, Eliot-oppa calls "Song team!" so I go up because I know it's not Kenmei's turn, but he didn't see me. He and Naomi were like, "Jenny, JEnny..." into mic, looking into around the room. Then I wave, "Hello~" and he turns and is like, "Oh GOD!" LOL XD
Then, 2nd half, I knew it was Kenmei's turn to play so i didn't go. Naomi came to ask if it's my turn i say no it's his turn, naomi yells to Eliot "she says it's his turn!" and he's like right there lol... well anyway i was so confused about these "turns" we were supposed to follow.
I... I...

I ran down and merged right to go the shortest way to get my laundry.
Something happens... I mean, something really happened. With another person, and no one else was around. But I won't say.
Then I walk away, a golden feeling filling me. Heart pounding, throat tight, my shoulder bag flying as I break into a run...
I was so happy.
(Nooooooooooo!!!!)
Squeaking with hyperness as I did laundry. Skip to lunch. Jump into line, so hyper. Mr. Kamins right next to me. I had these urges to talk to him for several days, since I recognize him and he's from my area in the world!! and well, now, right now it feels like an angel or God himself has taken over my body and my heart is going full blast with happiness, so I turn and chirped,
"Hello, Mr. Kamins?" :D
And talk to him a lot from that. I tried to cheer him up because I had heard him complaining about CP on the phone one day. He knows my dad! I know his son, from several years back. I think we're in the same class/year but never see him at church realy, so don't remember. He introduced me to a Welsh couple!!!
"Do you know Cyril Hughes?" Mr. Kamins said.
"How long ago did he leave Wales?" Welsh brother asked.
"Um... about 30 years ago...?" * i realize... Xp*
"Oh, well, that was before I was born, then..." XP Nice to meet yous, thank yous, smiles, then lunch (SOBA OMG <3) with friends. I jump up to get chopsticks for Rebecca when she first says something like "forgot chopsticks." overflowing energy, i don't know what to do with myself. Eat, talk, laugh, feel like i'm fluffy with happiness XXDD
All from... one..."**"
Not good. Not good at all.
I mean, it's good to feel so incredibly happy. I felt like, OMG there's not enough time in the world to do enough good deeds, talk to everyone, be nice and smile to everyone, omg omg!!!

Boating was canceled due to dirty water and bacteria from the past days of rain? it was fine with me, wasn't looking forward to that really... xp so instead, we'd go to Cheong-A camp for second cultural experience ^^ gathered at Tree of Love at 1:30pm, found out we were WALKING. But Naomi-onni bought us all ice cream!!!! I got the same as Sharon, not knowing any better.
It was the first ice cream I ate in a full year. It wasted so good in the heat. We walked while eating, then Moon-kangsanim drove up to us and called, Get in!!!! OMG there are 11 seats in that cute little car!!! XD listen to instrumentals, and pass everyone who's walking like they should be lolol Naomi was like "don't wave, don't wave!" XD
Whoever wanted archery did rock paper scissors. I won omg! This dude taught us archery rules at the rock climbing room. OK I'm using really bad grammar now just cuz I'm lazy. I'm sure I can speak formally and well and stuff... but yeah no time. So w ehiked up to archery place, waited for an hour or so doing journal while other groups got a turn. Saw a praying mantis. Bad thoughts. Always sweating. On the way home talked with Ran (sp?) a lot she's so cute x3

July 23 [Day 15] Daemonim malsseum + Graduation
I remember asking God to help me, help me push my current thoughts away. So. Unprincipled. Don't want them, but want them at the same time. Bad, bad, bad! (Just now Winna called "Jenny-poo!!")
Today was graduation for the 1st 21 day workshop ppl after Chanyang... I met Soobin-onni a couple days ago I think... She's SO PRETTY <3 Certificates, pics, chocolate gift so sweeeeeettt~ <3 Naomi is leaving!! Our leader!!
Hey... I suck. Sucked. @ piano. Song of the HEavenly Soldier? OMG. And I only felt stupid, embarrassed, and completely like my day was ruined because there is someone better than me.
Yeah.

I wake up easier now. Eyes not so heavy. I wake up in the middle of the night, fix my hair because it feels like it's time to wake up and I see others awake, but there's actually nobody...? O_o; Well, today, everyone woke up at 10 to 5 so only 7 sisters were on time. We got a round of applause from the brothers lol yay XD
Goodbye, Rev. Compton! Just when his voice came back...
Our cleaning duty - wiping tables, putting chairs up (fun!) climbed the mountain with Mona, breakfast with Jessica outside.
At Chanyang practice, did first person... no messups but completely forgot to do eyecheck, and it was the cool Korean translator guy! lol.
Dress clothes for DMN and graduation. Don't like my clothes ><; Well mainly DMN told us "NO BROTHERS AND SISTERS ALONE TOGETHER!!! NO EXPLICIT UNPRINCIPLED RELATIONSHIPS!" =)
I uh... needed that...? It scared me. Slap in the face. I will try harder, though I don't do that stuff at all...
Then she shook every single person's hand!! I didn't feel anything special, ?but Jessica and Rebecca were thrilled lol... We went outside and took pictures, this guy started throwing money by the Tree of Love LOL everyone ran and began grabbing but had to return it all ^^
In our lecture room, we had to pack up desks and chairs, change, have lunch, then music club! New members, lost/missing members. We practice, then I quietly fiddle around with TPL and try Kenmei's songs out lol... BUT I WANT TO PLAY A REAL PIANO, WHATEVER I WANT, HOWEVER I WANT, HOWEVER LOUD I WANT, SO.. BADLY.
We thank group leaders, then Moon-kangsanim is VERY STRICT about clothes, makeup, rules, ipods, CAMERA. We are not allowed to even HAVE them anymore. We are to hand them over. I was ready to, but then... he said we could keep them if we wouldn't use them...? =\
Made new groups... in an interesting way ^^ Moon-kangsanim is really cool and funny! My group is now Olivia, Sharon, Rebecca, Victoria... Oh Naomi thought I was 14 until someone told her I could drive... XD Moon-kangsanim thought Grace (18) was 13!!!! All these age things because... Moon-kangsanim asked 18, 17, then even 16 year olds to be leaders since old leaders couldn't do it anymore... I said I was in CY so I didn't have to... ^^;
New member, Kiyoka!!! Then we cleaned out sleeping/suitcase area. I want to practice violin... -___-;
No shower. Instead, Jessica give me advice on what kind of bangs to get =p
After Chanyang, where I met Megumi, head of the piano team from the Japanese Office, Moon-kangsanim gave books to all the leaders of groups.
Today was kinda weird... like non-routine things happened. So the best part other than eating chocolate was talking to Kouki-kun.
*me and Jessica or was it Rebecca going up hill, see him*
Me: Hi~
Kouki: Hi. Oh how long are you staying?
Me *surprised*: Um... the 18th.
*he nod, walk...*
Me: You too?
Him: No, until the 11th.
*I nod...*
Yeah. I was happy to talk with someone from my part of the world! NorCal ^^

At Jeongshimweon, Soobin-onni said goodnight to me!!!!! Brightened a lil <3 Jessica and Rebecca want me to wake them up so they won't be late anymore ^^;

July 24 [Day 16] DEBUT!
Doing DP reading right now but I'll fall asleep if I try to learn anything. I NEED to do reflection!!
So this morning, rain. Really hard. New teams now... random seats though. When I got to top of mountain (Jes/Reb skipped) it started raining super HARD. Lik ebefore.
I'm still searching for God... I want to live, walking by His side.
I took my bread and milk to the steps outside again. Uh... without my glasses I Couldn't tell which guys were sitting nearby. But then Eliot-oppa said "Good morning Jenny" lol =)
I was pretty wet. Nowhere near COLD tho. You can't get cold, or even COOL here. While I was going to the garbage, Mr. Kamins calls me over and happily introduced me to his daughter Aurora!! :D
At Chanyang, Rebecca DEBUTED!!! I love calling out "LASUTO!!" though... ^^ One brother always always runs and hugs the members having their lasts and debuts XD Then, all of a sudden...
"Jeokbonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUUUTT!!!"
O__________________________________________O;;
WTHEEEEECCKKK!!!!!??
My heart... my heart!!!! XNX;; But... it's true.
I debuted today.
I can call home again!!
I asked leader when to change piano styles... like melody / "jangjang" but i didn't understand!! Why oh why didn't i pay more attention to the other members when they did it the past 30 chanyang sessions!!!???? ><;
So nervous. Deathly nervous! No maybe not. I was debuting with Rebecca!! Her partner was... the guy we knew most? Hide? Hidekazu...?
Go up. Main dude (who was it?!) nod, I nod.
START.
Made only minor mistakes... missed eye contact sometimes... but eye check with the cards really, REALLY HELPS. Their smiles!!! X3 well um omg it was fun. awesome. i mean... after praying desperately before going up, telling Him it was all for Him, my family, the world, and my future husband, Yes... that's why...
awkward sitting on brothers' side during CY, but OMG. Sitting with the Chanyang team!! I still don't feel included, part of the team yet, but omg... Soobin-onni... ah... made mistakes for tanshimga... and cried after... for three hours, she told me later!!!!! =(

He didn't want to play piano for song team that time so I did. I really do suck... ><; He can do that cute lil jingle, Rugrats, that movie theme roll down the piano omg... so jealous...

Lunch - korokke! <3 Then call home and tell them everything, about TP helicopter crash, debuting, and they said when they were going camping, the motorhome broke down in the driveway LOL XD Yeah I told myself I can't call them until I debuted in Chanyang team ^^
At music club... ah I just get lost when I sit at the piano and play xp The original key is too difficult for female voices so i transposed from F# to D ^^ Thank You, Heavenly Father for playing piano through me. I can really feel You here.
Miranda's voice is so LovELy <3 especially reading DP~ so soothing, + accent = <3
I figured out the little piano jingle that Kenmei plays! ^_-
Again, he didn't take his turn for playing for song team. Doing... rubik's cube? =\
Still rainy. Looove it <3 Pray and half-sleep at Jeongshimwon for 30 minutes. Dinner, JSW again, change, CY. like 20+ new members lol! Soonae directly asked piano leader and got in!! Jessica, Sharon, Grace, Winna, Harumi... all IN!!! and YES I wasn't picked tonight xp
I figured out when to switch =)
OMG tonight, there were so many children. And their voice, during CY, they gave me strength and goosebumps!!!!! XD
I butchered Coutnry Roads... ARGH I want to be able to PLAY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY, like... pitch perfect/prodigy people...!!! X(
I need to have more energy! more spirit!! early to everything, do my best, love it all and everyone...
Thank you, Kamisama!!! Good night!!! <3

July 25 [Day 17] D-Day. Debut, Depression, Dead.
"Dubonjjae, Jenny-sshi, DEBUUUTTTT----!!!!"
ZOMG!!!!! XD 2nd DAY 2nd DEBUT!!!! XD But this Chanyang session went by so fast... later Hide told me that we were like 20 minutes short! Rebecca said it's her fault, she didn't set the clock...? =\
The hardest thing to do in CP is stay awake during HDH. Half-sleep, mumbling along...
After the 2nd break, we sand "Pledge." It's so beautiful! I feel like I've heard it before. I don't know if it's in the songbook, but Kenmei puts in a good chord in there... like a gut-wrenching/tear-jerker chord. He's good.
I stood up for the last HDH. Then sat at the side. Didn't help since I like sitting on floors better than chairs. SLEEEEEP.
Played guitar with Harumi and others, teach Tonghua, play Wings, Banana Pancakes ^^ Guys gathered for pics, we went upstairs for chant practice. Technicians are doing something on our 3rd floor. Harumi gave me a strawberry candy =3 Olivia gave out group Korean chocolate crackers ^^ Still have chocopie from yesterday when Eliot gave them for song team! =D
So. Nearly fall asleep during figuring out chant. Hopeless feeling >n<; I wish I was more into these things, and more imaginative... creative... when it comes to ideas and new... things... i'm hopeless. And then I embarrassed myself by voicing my opinion. I half-sleep. Dream up own chant. Then we got down to something, so at least we had THAT xnx; So. Performing. My fav was Brother's #5 and Sisters #3. And they won! XP Ours was just embarrassing. Winners got 10,000 won coupon for the kage! Moon Kangsanim is so funny XD
Uh... Um I uh...
I ran past the door that Dae Mo Nim was exiting, and BOWING through, between two black suit guys that I think tsked angrily. Yeah, I ran past DMN while she was bowing!!!
AAHHH.
My day was ruined.
I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't see! I can't even see clearly straight ahead of me, I'm not going to be able to tell who's in my peripheral vision until it's too late, but I hate wearing my glasses! But it's necessary here!!! OMG I FELT SO BAD. I THOUGHT THE BODYGUARD GUYS WERE GONNA GET ME. I kinda... ran away and hid in the bathroom for a while, but I knew there were cameras everywhere, and my ugly face would surely be like a beacon in the crowd of heavenly spirited church members...
I went to line for dinner. Then ooooh the end of the line CHANGES, so I'm not in line anymore!! So I went from scared to worried, sorry to angry, near tears. Just plop down onto haunches and write this journal by the NEW huge line that sprang up after it went down a whole bunch.
Yeah. Back to miserable. Was OK b4, with 2nd debut and piano comments for song team, guitar with harumi, strawberry candy... now just wet ugly hair, sore throat... miserable.
Oh some people from our 2nd gen int. group passed. So I'm not last or anything. Oh Mrs. Mori said I did a good job at piano for CY. Legs really hurt. It seems I'm looked down upon here in CP. Literally, right now, but... metaphorically too. Metaphorically? I don't know how to use that word. ANYWANY it's like people hate me. What did I do? Why does it feel like everyone hates me?
I thought I felt God this morning right after CY. So happy after only making minor mistakes, and debuuuuutt <3>_________________<;
-_____________________________________________________- I wanna go home.
Edited in CY room, 2nd floor chinhwa biru
Depressed. I had planned to spend lunch alnoe but God took me to Kinesha Heejin and Victoria's table. They're so funny. They made me smile. Heejin is usually lonely, but now it's me. She patted me... <3 Kinesha is EVERYONE'S FRIEND. Brothers and sisters alike. She's so cool and friendly, open and effortlessly makes friends and everyone laugh ^^ We wandered. Hide-kun joined us. He's so friendly too. He learned my name this morning, but now...
I am "silent girl." Victoria is "shy girl" and Kinesha is "loud girl" and oh HEejin is "annoying devil girl" according to Hide xp
I'm not silent!
edited 7:15
Moon Kangsanim is talking to us right now. How will I stay awake? I want to die. No. I want to go home. So. a while ago, talking to Hide-kun. He's leaving tomorrow! One of the only brothers I know here... That's a good thing I guess ^^ I've spoken to Soonam, Eliot, Kenmei and Hide ^^ And like every sister! Almost... it's amazing tho... at home I AM completely the "silent girl" without the title. here... it's nice.
why, why, oh WHY do I have to be here, when I'm not even DOING the ancestor liberation!? Why oh WHYHH-- WHY THE HECK is the person in back of me hitting me!? 내 기분이 지금 안좋아하니까?! Wanna make me feel worse!?
My throat hurts like heck, I am NOT doing ancestor liberation, gonna do hour of singing next, no water, so tired, person hit my back again. Again. Again WTH!!!!!!!
She's sleeping. Completely now. On my back. Sleeping. Who is she? Is she really sleeping...!!? Aw... I want to massage her to wake her up. She's made me laugh lol. almost out loud. and moon kangsanim is talking about how hard it is for dmn to go to hell, liberate or something... and i'm smiling like crazy XD
Ok what he's talking about is a bit interesting, but i'm tired, and i don't have mind and body unity, and i WANT to be frustrated, cry at JSW later.
You know what other feeling comes with depression, sadness, loneliness, miserable, and wanting to go home?
사랑의 desire. unprincipled. which does not make keeping my mind clear and pure easy.
I'm not listeing at all. oh hey i think Kouki-kun has friends now! =) i think his brother is coming now, or in a day or something. xp weir---d.
I want to practice violin on Sunday. So much. No matter what. also piano and guitar... i'll skip sauna i will! took shower finally today after like 2 or 3 days. i stunk. feeling clean is great. too bad it won't last the night even. taking shower everyday is such a hassle. i'd rather do journal. i just feel bad for others around me.
Um the person behind me falling asleep... (whoa she hit my back HARD just now, with her head) it's a good fanfic "event" ><; i thought i'd become so perfect at CP, go home without any need for the bad things of before, but omg if i went home right now, i feel like i'd go right back to the old me. i don't think i'd do anything differently!!!!! O____O;
Not good. Good that I'm forced to stay another 23 days. Hope to find the purpose of my life. I have to.
Kamisama. I'm nt doing my absolute best, yet I ask fr so much. Like now. Writing journal, falling asleep, but asking for the purpose of my life. 참 나쁘죠.
falling asleep... 목이 아파. at least i can go to bed tonight so fast. no brush teeth. no changing. no journal. just *plop-die*
this translator is nice...

I died.
For the first lecture, i was half asleep. the whole chanyang, i closed me eyes but sang and clapped like usual. something wrong with my throat. it only hurts when i swallow and talk. like swollen and tight. from whooping at team chants? How weak IS my voice... ><; anyway, half asleep, JSW dragged feet. Feel miserable to tears. Winna see me, hug me, say she'll pray at JSW For me to stay awake for the next lecture <3
Ah, I didn't. because I didn't want to. I hardly cared. I half-slept the entire time, though listening to translation. head down, neck, back, stomach hurt. only remember pics of True PArents crash, "pure heart" and "weeds."
Can't believe there's SECOND thirty minute Chanyang. I almost cried.
Then in Jeongshimwon, I really, really cried. Started during Dongsaneh Norae. Aahh just sob and sob all prayer, wish could go on longer so i could finish crying my miserable tears.
God, I don't even know why I'm doing all this. I don't get anyTHING out of HDH, just half-sleep. waking up, sweating, climbing mountain, rules all day, omg i get nothing. do i?
I was last up the hill to bed. Naomi worried for me. Jessica got my sleeping bags for me omg too nice... so kind. sleepwalk to bed, use last tiny burst of energy to make bed, go under one cover and sleep.

July 26 (Day 18)
So tired after 4 1/2 hours of sleep, which is not enough for me to fully function. wake up jessica and rebecca. make beds, go... hdh in cy room yeah. this time, translator was FEMALE *surprise* not remember one thing from hdh.
rain hard, first day ever i didn't go to tree of blessing. too miserable. nah lazy that's all. get water with Rebecca. Breakfast with Kinesha, Kohwa, Rebecca, Seijin. He's so hyper, energetic, bubbly... i'm jealous of his endless spirit. i'm like, using words Kinesha's used, a rain cloud.
On the way to JSW, Valerie caught a walk under my umbrella with me ^^
Something is distracting me so badly I'm afraid I won't... get over it.
I think Moon-kangsanim translated for DMN's talk of 896th 2 day workshop. I just want FREE TIME. piano. guitar. violin~~ hurry... falling asleep. Moon-kangsanim translates really well. Immediately after she speaks he can translate with just a little funny grammar, use of words...
edit 4:40
I went to our lecture room but there were only guys so i sat outside and put my head on my bag on my lap. a group of brothers came by...
"weird place to sleep" loud and clear. sounded like they stopped and stared and laughed to each other. don't know who. so embarrassing. why am i stupid?
played piano for two+ hours. very happy <3 but could've fallen asleep at the keys. music club practice. Yen Chuan-oppa helped Sharon with the pronunciation for Tonghua. Soonae practice after-- she's better than I ever thought!! :DDD abby go sauna (we're friends now!) lots of comments for piano...
now guys are snoring on the floor... me and Mana and Olicia reading/journaling at desks together. my mind wandered... to the wrong place. then fell asleep.
edit 5:20pm
OMG. Fantasie Impromptu. Perfectly.
It sounds effortless.
I have to learn when I go home. He knows it, Seiya knows it... it seems like a popular song. I don't think I have the skill and experience to play it though. I'm so jealous!!!! He also plays stuff like Harry Potter, Fur Elise, Yoshi's Island songs... LOL XD and OMG if he can sight read Tanshimga perfectly why the heck isn't he in the Chanyang team!! WE LACK KEYBOARD MEMBERS DUDE. still... i'd rather half-sleep, listen to piano music than go to dinner.
At dinner Sarah Mori talked to me! :DDD SF Bay Area~ XD
Everyone's feet stink because of the wetness lol... xp
At CY meeting, Makoto-san talked about being SERIOUS (THANK YOU Seijin-oppa for always translating for us not-fully-and-non-bilingual people...) in CY. I felt like he was talking to me. It kinda looks like he disapproves of me when he looks at me anywhere, or eye check... but then during practice my leader told me it's good to smile while playing piano... so i don't know what to do.
Abby hugged me after, randomly lol... needed it. she's so nice! but always trying to steal my notebook to read my journal! xp
After, Winna said she'd rather be stiff (drummer) than forced to smile. then she made me go up to the lecture room the back rock stair way, tho i hate that way, but it really is super short! lol XD
Jessica's umbrella was stolen or lost!
Doing True Father's life HDH now, again. "you're tired when you study for yourself, so study for other and the world."
THAT'S REALLY HELPFUL <3

July 27 [ Day 19] Surprise at the Hospital, Panic for Chanyang Team (maybe just me xp)
Patrick-oppa from the UK is really, really uh... effective? no no i mean... productive, organized, and straight forward, leading exercises ^^ August is gone...!
Almost fell asleep at JSW, practicing One Family Under God in my head ><;
There have been NO brothers on the keyboard team of CY =\ Tho *ahem* there is one that's better than all keyboard sisters put together.
Bug bites. An Shi Il. Drum banging hurts my head ears today. But I hope I get to perform. I did. I completely horribly messed up the first note of my 1-bonjjae! The main vocal didn't let me do the intro thing, and THEN "Junbi etc..." so i had the volume up when it should've been down when i hit the chord and them put the colume up... i couldn't really smile after that... tho Rebecca was at cards.
Heavenly Father I'm so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!! Please still accept my offering!!!

I realize between logic and emotion, I'd choose emotion. I never, ever thought so... but it's true.

Jessica and I went on stage to sing yay~ I could cuz yeah, Kenmei was playing piano. But then...
LOL!!!
He started playing "New Song of Inspiration" while the rest of us were singing Pass It On XD LOL IT was funy XD It made me feel better lol, after feeling so horrible for messing up.
Later I was caught falling asleep and had to stand up. I felt bad. We finished DP ONCE.
Did lunch duties with silver apron =p it seems people didn't notice my mistake O___< HAH!?
Played piano after lunch by myself yaaaaay~ so happy~ i mean there were lots of people around but I went up to the piano by myself lol XD Ride, TPL, first 5 seconds of Fantasie Impromptu lol XP I ran to piano after saw Kenmei coming through the window lol I really wanted a turn to fool around on piano by self...
Now that I think about it, Fantasie Impromptu is really beautiful. Before, I just thought it was insane, like too crazy to even make sense. now it's really, really pretty =)

神様､私の人生のもくてきは何ですか？

Soonam-oppa is proud of us for staying awak more now~ (*cough* um...)
Sailing With Our Father is fun on piano.
We study about the Fall so much but it's getting worse in my head.

Um, tonight was awesome. 2nd time 1-bonjjae today! Practice -->> learn 4 rules of CY team members. No bro + sis relationship. keep time, don't be late. Uh...? >n<; Rebecca, Jessica (Spain) and Yen Chuan, Seijin, Kinesha, Yasutaka-san... we all did =)
During dongsaneh Norae, the drum leader was X-ing his arms. SOMETHINGS WRONG!!!!
True Father is resting at the hospital, so we're not gonna use drums tonight. no drums, no drummer. Just. Piano. Just.
Me.
OMG.
I was so nervous. Drum leader talk to piano leader about me, knowing the timing signs and stuff. OK, faster, slower. Have to eye check him every two verses. I eye checked like all the time, not able to count in my head while keeping calm lol.
I prayed and prayed... omg so scared. Rebecca hugged me, Kinesha said "we're all counting on you!" card leader tell me something... *gulp*
Go up. Nod to Kinesha. YES she let me do intro, I don't mess up like before. So quiet without the drums. Then I messed up like HEECCK when I did the first eye check. But got a thumbs up from drum leader ^^ good for a while... then a couple "faster" signs... mostly thumbs up XD His, Rebecca, Jessica, and Kinesha's smiles made me SOOOO HAPPY ^^ Time went really fast and I just knew HEavenly Father was helping me play for the world.
It felt good <3
After, Kinesha gave me hug and I got good jobs from Kohwa, Rebecca, and everyone... everyone was talking so excitedly, like it was huge gossip no wait like... huge news (it is i guess...) about TF staying, and the drums not being used, and how we're moving to the small hall in the morning!
After or before or I dnno when, Makoto-san asked if we were all "genki" like he was worried. We answered yes strongly, but... I'm tired lol xp everyone is i'm sure, but they're strong enough to put it aside for the sake of everyone else. they're so good. i want to be like them...
Sarah, Mako, Aika, Cherisa joining 21 day workshop now~!
Thank you, thank you Kamisama for an amazing day. Smiles... chanyang... familiar faces from home... everything made my day. You played with me, I know it. Thank you. Thank you, and GANBARIMASU are all I can say =)
I think... my head/heart is getting better!! BAD THOUGHTS GOING AWAY!! Like Chanyang and the focus and concentration I needed to play tonight is helping me forget about it!!! THANK YOU!!!!

July 28 (Day 20)
I wake up so many times at night now, thinking I'm late for CY practice and afraid. I sit up, ready to practice or clap or play or something, half-asleep. I'm afraid I might've been slep-talking or even singing or something O_o; That's why I'm more tired, and Rebecca had to wake me up instead of the other way around xp
HDH, mountain, breakfast, meet Rebecca and Iasmine from Macau and two others, newcomers!
CY in small hall so we can use drums without disturbing TF. I was second again! Really sweaty in this small hall.
Some people... who are so bubbly and energetic all day... are actually exhausted inside, but they're hiding it... but at chanyang they are falling asleep, so tired... i admire them a lot. and then they go perform on stage for cy! i'm really touched by their devotion and heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARON ONNI!!!!!!! 20sai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<333

Jessica gave me a pocky... ^^
At lunch, sat with more Hong Kong BCs and also the Taiwan siblings/friend ^^ They're all really pretty (I mean the sisters, and the brothers good looking in a God-created-them-and-they're-BCs kind of way ^^)
I just realized... the newly arrived brother with dyed hair is... Kuni----!? I DUNNO.
I got sick again.
Sang happy birthday to Sharon at lunch yeahhh~~ we tried to make a secret birthday surprise during self reflection but couldn't decide on stuff... eventually, she had a cupcake with a spiritial candle on it and presents from everyone except me >__________________________<;
I bought the Azalea shirt and new journal, and pin for CY.
Then. Hike up Holy Ground. Killed me. Sweat. Tears. Miserable. Pray. Down. Tower. JSW 50 bows. My knees hurt so bad after like 5 WTHECK!! And I was 10 bows behind everyone at the end. So. Sweaty. Arms glistening. Shower felt good.
At CY Midori-onni said my glasses were cute... i mean... for some reason after miserable afternoon everyone was giving me good comments about stuff i am too sensitive and self-conscious about... weird but nice... like... they call me pretty but i have no idea what they're talking about. like... HAAHH???!
Keyboard leader tell me, please learn Tanshimga. I perform again. FOUR TIMES IN A ROW ON STAGE BOOYA. I hope I'm doing a good job. Don't know if I suck or not... -__-; All I'm doing is me ultimate best, though... Midori-san's smile was so kagayaiteru that it surprised me. I sang along this time, nearly laughing because everyone's smiles were so beautiful.
CY team got some... mochi drink and tomatoes lol ^^ One of the Mori sisters says hi to me all the time omg! I don't know which one yet... I only know Sarah...
When go to Lecture hall, Kenmei playing Rufus Wainright's "Hallelujah" omg! and people were singing along! I'm so jealous when... when musicians play a song and then everyone sings along and joins the musician and sits aroudn them or something... so jealous... i've enver been able to do that ever in my life...!!! NOT ONCE!!! Okay I only like playing Japanese and Korean and Chinese pop music, but I know Hallelujah too! And and and some mainstream AMerican music!
sigh.
@ bedtime Christelle thought I was sleeping with my notebook and pencil in my hand and was about to take them and put them aside as <3

July 29 [Day 21]
Ah... why does Kenmei sometimes play piano or uncover it, then sit down when everyone starts singing? So I played instead...

하나님 아버지, 저의 생활의 이유는 무엇입니까?

I was forced to do laundry without detergent ><; Lady behind me had to rub my back during CY because I was falling asleep. I don't know what I'm running on anymore.

I can't stand my ugly dress-clothes -_-;
Maybe I really suck at piano for song team and chanyang team but no one is telling me.
People hardly sing at this workshop. As in, song team sings like heck, with all their heart! But participants, i can't hear them at all and they outnumber song team. Nothing like One Heart singing, ah x]
Had a special lecture, only for Chanyang team after. The speaker is amazing. First he speaks Korean, then flawless Japanese, then amazing Seijin translates to English! So. Awesome. TRANSLATING. INTERPRETING. Then we choose new leaders because other leaders have to leave or do something else... Maybe it was only Drum team. Well, we talked about how we should do CY, with what kind of heart, and for whom.
Bus to CJG Palace so hot. first thing --> get ice water the coldest i've drunk in Korea! XD sit in chairs. eventually other sisters and brothers come. watch 10 minute video, want to sleep. Gave my radio to Moon-kangsanim for brothers to use. Haven't gotten it back yet. Before gave it, shared radio with... Hsin Yu...? She's so pretty...
Best parts: the big paintings, finding my parents' names on the white wall, also found LeRoy and Stair, randomly! :D Everything else... the museum itself, exhibit things of gifts to TP... too tired, hot to care really and frankly, I would've liked sleeping instead of going.
I'm SORRY, but I'm serious.
Jessica and Rebecca on the other hand were so happy they were nearly crying!
Stressful dinner hurry to change, JSW, RUN!! to small hall cough getting worse, forceful, can't stop if i have to cough ><;
I figured out the WB Brothers movie theme/jingle thing on piano! and the cute little phone jingle! that Kenmei plays! :D
At CY meeting, had little orientation thing with keyboard members. Haruka is only 17!!!!! LIKE E! Youka is TWENTY ONE OMG!!! Ayami, Kayoko, Jyun, Yeonhi/Holly - 16...
Makoto-san telling us we can be serious on the inside but please be happy, akarui on the outside yay! ^^ Rebecca DEBUT!! 2nd part side or something... and Yen Chuan-oppa, solo debut!! :D

July 30 [ Day 21]
(written 7:20am) Small hall, too early. Only drummers here. wish i could practice piano. don't know 3-bonjjae parts. Slept until Haruka-onni woke me up. she's so pretty and plays piano so emotionally, no i mean heartistically? I mean she really pours out her heart, especially during tanshimga <3
We CY members, even tho we're not performing sometimes, should set the standard for doing ansu to others, Makoto-san said...
Ran keeps falling asleep now aw~ and oh. first we stand, riht? and hit the person in front's back, so we line up and make space and stuff right? Well, when we were standing up, there was room. When we sat down, there was NO room, and I was pushed out of line. I had nowhere to sit, though I already had my number for Hori ansu!! WTHECK!!!! Then Jessica switched with me omg so nice <33333333333

It started raining like crazy at 11:40am OUT OF NOWHERE! After yesterday was so sunny and hot, THANK YOU GOD FOR THE GRAY AND WET WEATHER I LOVE IT <33
I copletely butchered a Holy song before this lastr section of morning HDH. Eliot-oppa hadn't been playing guitar either, just me booming out my mistakes.
sniff. >n<;
Cough worse than ever. vloice abnormal. can't breathe without coughing. singing is hard.
After lunch we had a piano meeting with the Keyboard head leader, Megumi-san!!! She said don't do staccato, don't play hard (OOOPPPSS) and oh. I LOOK LIKE BECKY LOL, Haruka-onni said XD I get that. Mostly when I was in Japan. That I look like that entertainer girl Becky... she's half too but lives in Japan so looks Japanese, I Guess it's only the eyes =\ she's not ugly, but i don't think i ever thought of her as pretty, but blah blah blah, okay okay stil i was happy to get the comment lol XD and after, Haruka called me "Becky-chan" XD <3
I'm gonna miss them, though I never really knew them! They're all leaving CY team!
Late for music club. DP lecture contest prep. Victoria Rebecca and me in a trinity so do stuff in cafeteria with everyone for three hours. I'm so tired and sick and miserable and wanna go home that I don't do much. I'm so glad Victoria and Rebecca are enthusiastic about it. I can't contribute much with this project. Olivia gave me a Korean Hi-Chew (SP?) x3
Late dinner, skip JSW, made it just in time for CY practice. OH I'm starting to realize that I'm leaning toward langauges as my purpose of life. I just HATE not being able to understand everyone around me, not even JApanese. I hate needing a radio, and another person to translate (not hate the person!). I want to be that person who breaks down language barriers.
FRANCOIS JOINED KEYBOARD TEAM OMG!! ZOMG. SO COOL, 1st guy!!! And I never expected--never knew... Yen Chuan-oppa didn't smile once for cards =(
Soonae, DEBUT!!!!!!! 2nd, Jenny... Rebecca, SOLO DEBUT!!!!!! XD When I went up. Rebecca was smiling extremely brightly lol aw <3
I just saw Haruka do a cool thing with her left hand for CY on keyboard... so I copied... ^^;
Hurry back to lecture room to play piano, but realize i forgot my glasses in small hall. rush back, relieved to find it, meet Sahron, Francois and others looking for the CY members' treat. down hall, door opens and bangs my hand lol. others like "oh- are you koay!?" but i was fine, at least it didn't hit my face ^^; but it nearly happens again, like the door opens in front of me, at least once in CP and the person who opened the door is apologizing quickly in Korean lol... ^^;
Meet Megumi-san, head keyboard leader, who asks my age, then says she's thinking of making me next leader.
Um... WHA!?
It's because of something I said... how I answered a question about Chanyang keyboarding?
OMG.
Still, unsure about it, so I dunno. But right away, I prayed about it.
Ran halfway upt he hill to get back to song team in time. I have no idea where the energy came frmo. I never knew it was inside me to run liket hat!!!!!
We bang out Coutnry Roads, I THINK it was good. Asked MAna for the chords to the bridge after, cuz I don't know ><;
We got a new members in our group from Spain! Diana! ^^ My voice has morphed from the cold, can't recognize. I can't wait to cut my hair. Abby thought i was an aunt from behind frmo my baggy pants and bun omg... also we changed seats. I would've sat by the aisle, but Sharon switched with me OMG THANK YOU.
Kohwa always, always smiles, waves, says hi to me <3
There was a spider making webs in my laundry upstairs. All night, all i can remember is coughing, dreams, waking up, coughing, thinking it was cy practice, coughing.

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Chanyang.

All day everyday (almost) I feel so tired, miserable, can't wait for the day we go home. Energiless, sick (now) mind taken over by bad thoughts.
Then Chanyang meetings make me rush, feel stressed. I have to carry my CY clothes everywhere. Others have purses, small backpacks, or like most of the brothers, nothing to carry. But I CANNOT climb all the way up to the girls' room twice a day to change, or is that 4x?
So I get to CY, if early, sleep. Bow, pray, circle, clapping... I like making the circle ^^ shouting DEBUT & RASUTO~ is awesome <3 I still can only awkwardly raise my hand and bow head when I'm called. But others are so cool!
When I get to play, I feel so happy and grateful. It's hard for me to stay awake and energized with everyone else, doing ansu on the ground, but over at the right side with cy team, there's more air, room to move, feels good.
And piano itself, playing it makes me so happy. God is always playing with me. My miserable-ness turns into energy, stress into calm/100% devotion, decreasing will to go on is renewed and pumped max. only 1/2nd so far I can play, so when i go sit down for the rest of the session, i can sing and clap with all my heart, even with a breaking voice.
Because it's for the sick people/everone, for my family, future husband, and You, God, I can do it without worrying and being nervous AT ALL. SO. COOL. Can sing along, rocking (side to side) with vocals whenever I remember to lol ^^
At home, for a performance in front of maybe... 40 church members on a small, music night (we used to have those) I'd get deathly nervous, to the point of shaking!!! Here, I play everyday for hundreds (thousands?) of people without one speck, one thought or emotion of nervousness!
I... I think it's pretty cool... ^^

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P.S. I wrote with indentations and bolds and italics but blogspot undoes everything! =(