Everyone's comments touched my core... how you guys care about me, it made me cry. I still can't believe I have so many supporters and friends all around the world, actually concerned about me, some girl they've never met.
I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.
But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.
Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.
My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3
Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.
And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3
But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.
I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.
My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?
I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...
Owl City - Meteor Shower
What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...
But... I WILL.
11 comments:
I am glad to hear that you are getting better Jenny. I am praying that God will show you the way forward. Keep up the good work with the Youtube videos.
you WILL get better jenny! you can clearly see that youve made progress. just dont rush or pressure yourself too much, do what makes you healthy and happy. there are so many of us 'strangers' out here supporting you, not to mention your family and friends. hwaiting jenny! <3
love
melissa
Dear jenny,
I'm so happy that you experienced true joy for the past 2 weekends.
Though you said that it didn't last, it was still there, wasn't it?
Soon you'll slowly make such bouts of happiness last longer and longer, until they become a permanent fixture in your life.
I love that you are so honest with yourself; that already, is a big step in self-healing.
Don't give up dear.
Best wishes, always,
Anonymous
I'm glad you're feeling better!
And I'm sure you'll do fine in your future expecially with all that talent you have!
I hope you get back up to healthy again and do the things you love...
Always Keep the Faith (hehe :D)
idk what to say D: I'm usually NOT good (horrible actually) with words at all but I just wanted you to know that you inspire me so much. You made me actually want to continue practicing the piano ^^ I really hope you get better soon.
Just remember you are an amazing person <3
oh and..."Rev. Thompson started my fanclub" << I'd join :D
http://www.givesmehope.com
<- Please read this. <3 It's very inspiring and touching. I hope everything will turn out well for you.
I don't know you.. but I listen to your covers on youtube. They're so beautiful and give me strenght :) Thank you for all this awesome music.
& I hope you will get better. I hope you can be happy one day and have confidence in yourself. Girl you totally rock!!!
Best wishes, always keep the fait! ㅋㅋㅋ ^ㅠ^,
Ally
im glad you can feel happy again :)
Don't give up =)
You're getting there!
And please be healthy!
Please remember, God is with you, in every second, God is there.
Don't give up, you will get there. We're here for you.
Didn't see new videos for a while...so I visited:)
Sorry I wasn't here earlier to say something.
I think you need to know that----
beauty comes from within.
Seriously.
True beauty comes from INSIDE.
a person can look so glamorous and skinny but she can still be rude and mean.
And that's ugly.
You're a great person.
I can tell from all your exciting blog posts and from the way you love music so much like I do.
I think you look great EITHER way.
Fat or skinny.
It's as long as YOU are happy.
I know you're religious and you believe in god.
So I know he will help you get through this.
I know it:)
Like I know you'll get better:)
I hope to see your healthy,and pretty hands playing piano covers soon.
We all miss you:)
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