My period won't come back unless I gain weight...?
How much weight?
I can't gain weight. I don't WANT to. Part of me doesn't ever want to heal from anorexia. I love being skinny too much. But I hate not being able to run, barely walk...
And... my life's purpose is to have a family...
Without a period, I can't.
I need it back.
But I can't gain, no!!! NO! I swore I'd never be fat again.
How much weight? Until a normal BMI? But I love my underweight BMI...
I lost weight and unintentionally became anorexic all to become skinny and "beautiful." I'm not beautiful in any way right now.
My hair won't stop falling out. Walking takes all my will-power, but I want to RUN so bad. Run, like last summer. I can't play the sports that I want to play. I can't go on the roadtrips and travels I want to go on so bad. I hate feeling heavy, fat after eating "too much" (to me). I can't eat more. But part of me wants to give in, eat like crazy. That's my old binge-eating side. I hate that side. That's why I'm not going to lose to it. Gaining weight means losing, losing control. I hate that hopeless feeling of having no control over my body weight, when becoming skinny was my whole world, the past few years. Finally, finally skinny, and UTTERLY MISERABLE. Freezing cold all day every day. Miserable. Can't sleep. Have no energy. Losing hair, yeah. My mom sadly touched my hair the other day and, shocked, said that I surely had more hair than this before. Yeah...
I can't play piano as well as I did before either. I can feel it. My hands are too cold, and they can't move fast anymore. That's why I make kind of ballad versions of every piano song now, or force myself to bang out harder songs. It tires me out. But no matter what I do all day (I walk, trying to gain muscle in my legs and also garden, rake, pull weeds outside etc) even if I'm exhausted, I can't sleep.
My mind doesn't leave me alone. As dead-tired my whole being feels, the thoughts swirling in my head, as if from another person, won't let me sleep. Plans of what I'm going to eat and NOT going to eat the next day. Counting and re-counting the calories and every possibility, and what's okay to add or what I have to subtract or substitute in my daily diet. I do it all day long too, recounting calories. It terrifies me when I don't have a plan. I can't NOT have a plan. I have to know how many calories I eat every day. I plan every single bite. Make sure the fruits are in the fridge.
My eye sight is getting worse, I can feel it. I can't even squint to lessen the blurriness anymore. Driving tires me out- the steering wheel is so heavy. I'm scared all the time, of every little thing. Becoming skinny was supposed to make me burst with self-confidence, and become an outgoing, bright girl.
Now I'm a college drop-out, crying every day with no sense of purpose, overcome by depression, anorexia, self-hatred... not being useful to anyone hurts so much. I try so hard every day to do something useful to my family... but I feel so worthless. I want to volunteer, go to third world countries or even just around here and help out with everything, anything, but I have no energy and I HATE, HATE it, not having energy. My legs are permanently numb and can't jump or run...
Masochist?
I hate being anorexic, I love being anorexic. If I didn't like seeing my bony face, toneless bony thin legs, arms, and not having any love handles or butt so much, I could maybe recover. If I didn't love seeing that number on the scale every single morning, maybe I could.
5 foot 3.5 inches (162cm)
86 pounds (39kg)
If it hadn't been so rewarding after so much suffering, hunger, pain and time, it'd be easier to recover. Who could love a period-less, bony, baggy-eyed, pale-lipped, buttless, chestless, brittle-haired, self-hating, depressed, unconfident, silent (oh yeah, I stopped talking a few weeks ago. I just keep every single thought inside of me. Only my little journal knows. Not even God knows.) home-bound 19 year old girl like me.
Whenever my mom is out of the house, for example, on her 30 minute fast-walk, or at the store or a meeting, I feel so anxious. I need her to come home. Just to be near me. Then I feel... better. But nothing ever completely heals my insane, uncontrollable feeling of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, dread, despair and lonesomeness.
Who--what--am I, and how do I... learn to live again?
9 comments:
Hey there... I'm a fan of yours and it makes me sad to hear that someone so talented is losing to anorexia.
Being skinny isn't worth losing so many of life's gifts. Your body needs the nutrients to function and grow, you will not be able to support another life in it if it's already having trouble supporting it's own life.
I'm a skinny girl but at this rate you are even skinnier than I am. I'm 159 cm and 43kgs= 95 pounds , I find myself too skinny and I'm aiming to be at least 45kgs = 100 pounds. I have trouble gaining weight because of my high metabolism rate .
I hope you don't lose this battle with yourself, please try to eat and gain back enough weight for you to feel healthy enough to resume your usual daily routines like playing the piano, sports, walking.
Life is short, there's so many things you haven't done and experienced. Please don't give up and live it to the fullest.
Oh dear...
I didn't know your goal was so... dangerous.
Health is more important than looks!
I really want you to become healthy again because anorexia will not only make you unable to have children. You could DIE. And I know that you know.
I understand that you cannot just go and become healthy in one go. But you can get help from professional people, doctors and therapists, those who REALLY want to help anorexic human beings.
And let's be honest. You were fine before! You don't have to be "fat" to live. You just have to find a balanced weight that fits your height and happiness.
Please LIVE. There are people who treasure your existence. There are people who care and don't judge you on your appearance. Those don't even deserve looking at you.
Take the first step: start smiling again.
Second step: your will to live.
I know you can do it.
hi kuedae,
to me... nothing is more important than having a healthy life. your body wont become beautiful unless you have a proper weight. being too skinny will just only hurt yourself...
but what's more important is that you have something to be proud than your body - your piano!
try getting your appetite back and your body will (hopefully) become normal again. i'm waiting for your beautiful piano <3
i believe that you'll overcome this hardship.
your fan~
Hello Jenny.
I hope you do not give up on your dreams. It hurts to know that someone who I look up to is being put down because of anorexia.
In my opinion, being skinny isn't always beautiful. Besides, what's important is... being healthy and living up to the fullest.
I am half korean and half american. I know exactly what you're going through. But please do not be put down. Atleast fight and gain back up to the healthy weight and do the things you love again.
I support you fully. I envy your AMAZING talent in music. Currently, I am learning korean and you always seem to persuade to continue studying. I hope your talent can one day be reocognized...
(I hope this doesnt offend you in anyway.. It's difficult to type out my thoughts into words... )
---Kaokoh (your reader, youtube subscriber and fan that supports you 100%)
Hi keudae,
I just stumbled upon your blog and I could feel myself go cold and clammy at the details of your suffering.
As the others before me have said, it is not worth it.
Gaining weight does NOT mean losing self-control.
I myself have sometimes been immensely unhappy about my body but never will I think of hurting what God and my mother has given me.
From your blog posts I feel that you're a beautiful person, inside and out. And the music that you create--not everyone can synthesize such beauty.
Look at your list of dreams. Your goals.
It is really not worth it.
I don't know what else to say but may God bless you.
Sincerely,
anonymous
hi
i remember when i found your youtube account, i became a fan. and i still am.
then i saw you had a blogspot, i like reading about other peoples' lives and what they do that makes them happy or sad, because most likely it's better than mine.
im going on a trip with my orchrestra class next thurday and since last summer i was finding ways to lose a little weight so i could look good in a swimsuit. i saw that you were losing weight too. after you posted your picture of oatmeal, i started eating oatmeal for breakfast every day. i started watching what i ate more and started losing weight. probably about 20 pounds. then when you posted your video of you playing 'wannabe' by epik high, i saw how boney your hands were.
i didn't want that, i just wanted to be healthy.
at first you were an inspiration to me, setting your mind to lose weight and doing it. but i think you went to far.
your blog made me cry.
i hope you recover and live a healhty life. i hope you get married and have a happy family. i hope you continue playing piano.i hope you'll be able to run again.
please.
~ one of your loving fans~
i think you should read some of your old old old posts
you were happy, maybe you weren't the weight that you wanted to be but you were happy living LIFE!!
please smile again.
please.
You don't have to be skinny to be pretty, trust me.
I had low self esteem when I was "fat". At that time I thought I was fat. I was only what... 70 kilos?
I hated myself and didn't like anything about me. I compared myself to everything and felt miserable. I couldn't fit in clothes (I come from a place where if you're not a size 8, tough luck in finding decent clothes)
I lost weight. 5 kilos made a big difference, I thought but I was unhappy. I was never satisfied with whatever I was. I continued losing weight and then I hit 60 kilos. I was finally proud of myself, but I was not content.
"I want to lose more weight," that thought kept running through my head. I started taking pictures of myself, and was surprised at the change. I started getting confident with myself and eventually started eating again. Some call this photo theraphy, but you don't have to be nude for this.
And here I am, 75 kgs at a size 14. I shot to 80 kgs previously, but somehow I lost weight because of a drastic change in lifestyle (I moved from a country to another and had to depend on myself so I had no cars and walking was my only transportation). Nonetheless I've never been happier about myself.
If I ever want to lose weight, I'm only going to do it for a health reason. There was a point in time when I had sudden chest jabs, but this was only after a drastic weight gain. Not only that, I had excessive period. Four weeks of period is definitely not nice. So I was told to lose a bit or suffer from it. I had no other choice.
I don't know you in person, but believe me, you are beautiful. You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. Cliche as this may seem, but one who is healthy and full of life is much more beautiful than a sickly, thin person.
Throw the weighing scale away. The more you look at it the sicker you get. Start eating healthily as well. A balanced diet is important. Don't skip out on the carbs, don't count calories. Just make sure you have everything you need.
You are a talented girl, don't waste your life over something as petty as weight. It's not worth it.
Hi,
I have subscribed to you a long time ago in youtube..and I have noticed that something was wrong.
I don't have any experience on anorexia...but I do have anxiety disorder. Last night I cried myself to sleep. It's like...I want to live but..living with this disorder is what I don't want. I can get anxiety out of every little thing.
If you wonder if there are people who could ever love you, trust me, there are so many people who love you. So many people that care about you. Your family, your friends, your supporters..I care about you. There are always people who care about you.
Even if you don't say your words out loud...God knows what's inside your heart. I believe God knows.
You have to get help, go see someone to talk to, someone who can help you with your anorexia, so you can continue doing the things you love :)
I will support you.
God bless you
and you are beautiful :)
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