Yesterday was wonderful. Boardwalk with school friends. Saw him for the first time in a month, I was terrified, but it went okay. Didn't speak to him directly once. We both waved at the same time, then I had to ignore him else I reattach myself to him, and he respectfully kept his distance for me. Of course now my heart is in a million pieces and I've been singing one song all afternoon, alone at school.
Two days ago, sleepover with school friends, wonderful. I love girlfriends.
Tomorrow school friend birthday party at the lake, yay.
But since last Wednesday, stupid bulimia reared its head again. After ten wonderful free days, I worked so hard. I hate this. I only got a hold of myself today. Not really. I feel like I'm shattered in a million pieces, pieces including "going to New York for three months" and "staying in school." A list of some of the pieces of me, scattered on the bedroom floor at this moment.
- Daddy called me very selfish. I am. But it hurt.
- Going to NY
- Staying in school
- Hate being fat. Can't believe I'm this fat. Can't believe I failed. I'm almost back to when I started. This is the effing worst physical feeling. I hate myself. I hate my body. How could my friends love me yesterday, seeing me like this. That's why my mom hates me now, because I hate being fat I'm mad and grumpy and on edge, she decides to jump all these questions on me during dinner after I rode for miles on bike today and got home late from school and she calls me selfish and not helping with the family and accusing me of accusing her and daddy of "making" me go to NY. So at a time I'm so fat, everyone hates me, I hate myself now, I'm unlovable this fat and ugly, I'm all alone again because he's not here, he's not here, he's not here. He used to keep me company in times like these, he knew me, I knew him, but I was just selfish at that time too and I just take and take and take, geez what's the point of my life. All I do is get fat, get skinny, get fat again, most definitely back to fat, hurt people around me, waste money and food, be selfish, try to have fun with school friends, make family angry, blah blah blah. What am I doing.
- Wanting to just run away. From everything.
- Throwing away these church beliefs. Where is God. He is everywhere? It feels more like NOWHERE. I try so hard every day. I talk to Him, I don't hear anything. I'm trying to make this huge decision about what to do this fall and I'm just in the halfway position for weeks, not knowing what to do. Swinging back and forth. This is hell, thank you very much. What if I just ran away? Just threw everything I learned out the window. It shouldn't be wrong to love somebody and be loved back. It was a miracle that it was two way. If it hurts this effing much how could it be bad. Now I'm just ALONE. STUPID ALONE. WHAT IF I THREW EVERYTHING AWAY, HUH? Purity, the Blessing Matching, family HAH, family that drives me insane. Mom that drives me up the wall. Dad that gives me too much, expects too much of me, calls me selfish, everyone doesn't understand ANYTHING ABOUT ME, but if they I'd be selfish, I hate this I hate this, WHAT IT I JUST THROW IT AWAY NOW, HUH? HUH? SDGPIASDJFGWSGAFKLDJSOLKFNDVDSLfqW#%RUj
3 comments:
You seem to have lost it completely Jenny.
I won't say more than that because I'm not in your shoes and I won't pretend to understand.
So the best I can do is-----
message me if you come to NY.
I can show you to some silly places that might entertain you.
Jenny, believe in yourself my friend. You have people who love you. People are naturally selfish and that's O.K. Trust me, a stranger, we're rooting for you. Don't give up the fight, actually I know you won't, you're strong and you're smart. I can't say I know what God's love feels like, I'm Buddhist, but don't give up hope, faith or anything precious. You've just gotta take it on step at a time. It'll get better.
It may seem like a cycles, but it's life, you will always do better every time you come across it.
I don't know if these words will reach you, but it was worth a try.
JENNY HWAITING!
Honestly Jenny, it's time for you to buck up. If you want something in life, you go and get it. No one is going to just give it to you. And reality check, nobody is going to make you happy in life if you aren't yourself a happy, loving, strong person. It really is selfish if you are dependent on someone else for happiness and attention. Maybe it's a little harsh, but you've been given enough sugar-coated words of affirmation. If you really want to change, then just do it. As much as people want to see you happy, they'd much rather see your family happy for you.
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