Stay or go. New York music internship for three months, or stay in school, where everything is provided for this fall semester. School started three days ago. Everything's perfect, except for the most painful component... him. Two bands with him. And mutual friends. Feel like I'm tearing in half when I'm around him, seeing what I SHOULD be doing, would be doing if it were last semester. I have no time and I have to decide. I'm trying not to be selfish, open to God and hearing what He wants. Most of the points are going to school but something about NY still haunts me. I need to buy my textbooks, focus in school, practice for bands, get my head in the game, get over him and become a normal friend again lest I writhe in vain alone. Or run away and go to NY in October, after half the semester in the bands and even play in one concert. Hate living on the wall like this...
But today was awesome. ALLNIGHTER at my friend's church, CTF in the pitch black park, "Have you ever" "Deer Hunter," "Quelf" XD Piano, sardines, hot sauce fight, three cups of coffee, dead skunks gah... slept at 4:30 for three hours, then breakfast at Carrow's for other friend's birthday yay! SOOOOO FUNNNNNN I LOVE THEM. And my diet's going fine, for a total of three days. Hours of gym, under-control food, music, friends, family too! Feel a balance shaping. Somehow, if I stay in school where I feel i belong so much (until my heart just crumbles while watching him laugh and smile for everyone else) and I just can't give this all up, then I need to beg for my job back at Eon, where I went for my first day and quit that day. But women's history professor is terrifying... but I have SEVEN friends in that class, OMG <3
If I wrote a note to God... and put my heart out on the page... what would I tell Him? If I knew He would truly, absolutely read it. I know He's out there. Forever I will know it in my heart, I can never deny it. But I just can't feel Him and His presence, guidance these days. This decision is killing me, Lord, please show me the way. Do You want me to stay or go? Which would be best for my family, my friends, for You, and even for me...? Please, I am trying to open my heart. I am counting points for each side. But no matter how many points school has, NY just HAUNTS me. But it's so equal, it's a tug of war and time's run out.
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The motion sensor lights went off when I played piano too stiffly for too long, and I was surprised at how much easier, so much easier it is to sing in the dark by myself.
2 comments:
This might be able to help with the ny decision. First close your eyes and just breath in through your nose and out your mouth slowly for 10 seconds. Then Open and don't even think about it just pick NY or stay put.
Everything will be alright. It might not seem so, but it will. Been in the dark myself before...it's peaceful. But never give up. There's light waiting for you somewhere.
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