Epiphany

I had one today. After reading a couple good books, I'm realizing lots of things, and maybe even digging deep enough to find that first day, the true reason behind this debilitating disorder. It's nerve-rackingly eye opening, but liberating. Am I really figuring out my past? Can I actually move forward soon...????

New Year

Come on... come on...

Leave me alone please.

Come on.

For how long do you need to control me.
Steal my time and life from me.
How many years have you taken away already!!!
What did I do!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
LEAVE ME BE!!!!

I have so many things I want to do!! Stop, stop doing this to me, I don't want to care anymore, I don't!!!! How am I supposed to go on like this, because I can't, I can't go like this forever you know. I'm not gonna let you, you... you... just leave me alone!!! There are so many things that I want to be able to do, okay, so go away, go away just leave me alone please... How am I supposed to study abroad to Japan? What about visiting family in Wales? Traveling? Become a flight attendant? Huh? How, like this, TELL ME! How am I supposed to be ready for the matching and blessing, ever, like this... I've been trying so hard... I'm already 20... in the end it's me and only me who's going to get through it, and that's why it's so scary to be alone. I don't know how long it'll take, if it ever happens.

You keep stealing my dreams. How many more do you want to take.
I want them BACK.

It'll never be as bad as a couple years ago, it can never be as bad as that though sometimes it'd be more simpler if I returned to that... but all this progress, I don't want to waste it, I don't want to do a 180 but I doooooooonn'tt please, I do not, I'll do anything to not end up... end up... that.

Where are You, God?

Back from Florida

With so many friends and people out there
Even complete strangers that I've never met
Only know through YouTube and playing piano
They are all supporting, praying, and thinking of me
Why do I feel utterly alone and terrified once again?

Help.

My throat burns.
I don't want to relapse.
Somebody, anybody... save me from myself.

너무 너무

その人が誰でも、　その人の大好きな曲を知ったら自分が弾かなくてはならないと思ってしまうんです。　その人が二度と見ないと分かってるのに。　ただ　もしかして、　もしかしてのために。　

知った瞬間から待てなくて、　出来るだけ早く練習し始まって、　完璧まで続きました。　昨夜に初耳で今朝頑張って練習を完了したと思いました。　

うまく心込めて弾けたのかしら。　溢れ出してくる気持ち、　痛み、　恐れ、　信じてはいけない希望。　

するべきではありません。

どうして、　どうして　この曲が一番好きか本当に本当に分かりたいんです、　どうしても。　イルマさんのとても心苦しめる曲、　涙を溢れ出させる辛い辛い歌。　どうしてですか。

When the Love Falls.

The most wonderful way to spend thanksgiving break

"Thank you!"
"You're welcome."

"Split!"

Life is coming to a balance

Thank you Heavenly Father for this new-found peace :)
Every single day I'm afraid it will be taken away from me again, but I try to be brave. I try to push the doubts away, and take strength from all my blessings and the love from my friends, family and community. And the past few weeks have been a dream. Who am I to be so lucky? I've been touched by Your true love and I can hardly contain myself.

One part of life still hurts, and I can't expect it to get better, ever... I think... I'm just setting myself up for the most painful, bone crushing disappointing heartbreak I will ever experience, but I can't help it. I want to let go but at the same time, I'd rather die than do so.

----

I have the most amazing friends at school! I love them, I love them! Along with my fellow BCs in CARP, I have Japanese and Korean friends that have accepted me and I am so happy with them I can't even express it. I have older brothers and sisters who notice when I'm down and cheer me up. And through these friendships, I'm learning to let loose my hold on my family and being afraid to step outside the house. I feel like I'm really growing up and gaining more confidence, something I've lacked all my life.

Tried playing sports for the first time in years since I got sick, and omg I could RUN run. Run full out. It felt so, good, playing frisbee with my friends at school, even though it was cold we were warm with happiness. Frisbee! He loves playing frisbee.

And even at home, things are not as bad as before! I'm on good terms with everyone, and played music with my sister and father last night again. I'm practicing a new song on piano for someone, and practicing lots of guitar and violin too! I have to practice violin more. More. Open mic night was... really like a dream--unbelievable. I've always, always wanted to hear that song again, live. And then, it happened.

That shouldn't be what I think about most, it should not it should not it's just getting worse with time. But BOF's "Because I'm Stupid" lyrics are very relevant all of a sudden. Or not so suddenly.

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