Fatso. Fatso. Fatso. It's finally summer and you have to go and ruin the body you finally liked for ONCE in your life. Why, why why can't you listen to your therapist? Do the therapy! Let go of the anger! GET BETTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
You suck. You are such... omg. You faking, mask-wearing, freak!
It's finally your favorite season. Heat, sun, short shorts, dresses, tanks! And YOU CAN'T WEAR ANYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET ANYMORE BECAUSE YOUR STUPID GAG REFLEX WORE OUT AND YOU COULDN'T STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN, STUPID!!!! STUPID!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!! JUST STOP IT!!!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID!!! That's all I feel like screaming right now. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU STUPID GIRL.
This is the past all over again. Yo-yo dieting, gaining and losing 30 pounds every month. STUPID, STUPID, why do you want to go through that again. Stupid. What about the matching and Blessing. You can't say you're prepared to be engaged and married in this state. When food makes you late for class, band practice, keeps you from finishing music projects for the one you've loved for five years. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU'RE POSSESSED. YOU'RE NUMB. YOU'RE A COWARD, DECIDING TO EAT AND PURGE TO NUMB EVERYTHING THAT'S TOO SCARY TO FACE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU COWARD, COWARD!!!!!!!!! FOOLISH, STUPID, IMMATURE, FAT, FAT, UGLY, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT PIG. You make me sick. Literally.
Why can't you be un-numb? UNSTICK THE DAMN EMERGENCY NUMB BUTTON, YOU IDIOT. Decide to feel fear, stress, anger, anxiety, jealousy, disappointment. You can't feel happiness, love, hope, excitement, satisfaction without feeling the bad emotions. You can't even cry anymore, God damn it. You're really, really screwed up this time. I want to just... I want to just grab you by the neck and shake you, GAH.
I have to do more important things. But I'm not through with you yet, you're going to pay for what you've done, double time.
2 comments:
Oh dear. ): We haven't talked in ages... I'm sorry.
Try not to care about the numbers on the scale or about your looks. Gaining weight isn't something bad. It just happens sometimes. Ignore it. Maybe you can ask your parents to hide the scale? And you're totally right! There are more important things to think about! You're such a nice, talented and beautiful girl (I know because of facebook). There's no need to worry about your looks. (: Outer beauty will fade while you age anyway, but inner beauty will remain forever.
You're strong! I know you will be stable someday! Fight!
You're one in a million and I'm so grateful to be your friend. Please be well and healthy...
Hi Phuong... I'm sorry you had to read that, I forgot that my friends actually might find/read what I write sometimes O_o; I just randomly felt like ranting to the world... haha.
Oh, it's not just normal weight gain... it's the horrible, extreme, noticeable embarrassing disastrous kind. I know inner beauty is more important, but I can't live looking like this. I know I have to fight... I can't get tired... thank you for your support, Phuong... it hurt to see that you read what I wrote! D: But I think I will, again... write stuff, just to let it out kind of? Even though I have super close friends that listen to everything I have to say about food... I hope you are well? We haven't talked forever... :'(
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