Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Hello September, and friends that never let me down~
I owe everyone an update. The littlest one, at the very least :) I'll think of the biggest, main points, and TRY not to be too depressing... life hasn't only been stumbles recently ^^
- in mid August I began school, once again. College. Let's see if I don't drop out after the first semester like last year? So far it's been SO FUN. Music, Japanese 1A (I'm more like a tutor... xp), Chinese 1A (sooooo fun repeating after the teacher!) and ballroom dancing (sooooooo fun)! I've gotten so confident at introducing myself first, and making new friends! I'm so unexpectedly happy and feel welcome at school!
- being called "so skinny it's disgusting"
- being hit on for FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE by a SCARY GUY before Chinese class (an evening class). I'm still traumatized. It was so, scary.
- confession... along with anorexia, came along bulimia, came along BED (binge eating disorder) and it's all mixed up in a horrible, torturing mess in my life right now, making me hate myself... I hate myself, I like myself, I love myself, I despise myself, I like myself... it's insanely exhausting and I've come to know what "hell" is, truly.
- the pastor of my church unofficially named the Sunday band after me! OMG! It's so embarrassing, flattering, and just makes me smile huge X3 Every week, he stands up and says "give it up for the Jenny Hughes band!" gaahhh... XD
- work! I started work at a machine company last MONDAY with my brother, and we get called in for random jobs. Today and tomorrow we have to "deburr" these tiny... metal... thingies. They don't exactly tell us what we're doing, we just do it. My dad works for them sometimes too, so they're all friends ^^
- summer camp was a life-changer. that's tooooo long of a story.
- I try and try to play "youtube" piano. I nearly perfect "kanashimi no yukue," "I never told you" and "bonamana" and ended up playing just "no other" the past... several months! Gah! But now that school and work have gotten into rhythm, I will definitely try to put in a good chunk of time to reply to youtube messages, play more youtube songs, and rightfully appreciate youtube friends :)
I will try!
Next... should I play "Bonamana"? "Intoxication"? Hm... and should I show my face?
I'm so happy my friends and fans are still there... they jumped up right away to let me know they're there on my "no other" video... thank you you guys...
- in mid August I began school, once again. College. Let's see if I don't drop out after the first semester like last year? So far it's been SO FUN. Music, Japanese 1A (I'm more like a tutor... xp), Chinese 1A (sooooo fun repeating after the teacher!) and ballroom dancing (sooooooo fun)! I've gotten so confident at introducing myself first, and making new friends! I'm so unexpectedly happy and feel welcome at school!
- being called "so skinny it's disgusting"
- being hit on for FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE by a SCARY GUY before Chinese class (an evening class). I'm still traumatized. It was so, scary.
- confession... along with anorexia, came along bulimia, came along BED (binge eating disorder) and it's all mixed up in a horrible, torturing mess in my life right now, making me hate myself... I hate myself, I like myself, I love myself, I despise myself, I like myself... it's insanely exhausting and I've come to know what "hell" is, truly.
- the pastor of my church unofficially named the Sunday band after me! OMG! It's so embarrassing, flattering, and just makes me smile huge X3 Every week, he stands up and says "give it up for the Jenny Hughes band!" gaahhh... XD
- work! I started work at a machine company last MONDAY with my brother, and we get called in for random jobs. Today and tomorrow we have to "deburr" these tiny... metal... thingies. They don't exactly tell us what we're doing, we just do it. My dad works for them sometimes too, so they're all friends ^^
- summer camp was a life-changer. that's tooooo long of a story.
- I try and try to play "youtube" piano. I nearly perfect "kanashimi no yukue," "I never told you" and "bonamana" and ended up playing just "no other" the past... several months! Gah! But now that school and work have gotten into rhythm, I will definitely try to put in a good chunk of time to reply to youtube messages, play more youtube songs, and rightfully appreciate youtube friends :)
I will try!
Next... should I play "Bonamana"? "Intoxication"? Hm... and should I show my face?
I'm so happy my friends and fans are still there... they jumped up right away to let me know they're there on my "no other" video... thank you you guys...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ups & Downs
Everyone's comments touched my core... how you guys care about me, it made me cry. I still can't believe I have so many supporters and friends all around the world, actually concerned about me, some girl they've never met.
I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.
But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.
Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.
My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3
Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.
And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3
But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.
I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.
My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?
I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...
Owl City - Meteor Shower
What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...
But... I WILL.
I don't have the right to be sad, hurtful to my physical body, with so much goodness in the world, in everyone around me. But it's so hard to get out of this depressed rut I'm in.
But for the past two weekends, I was so happy. I went to Las Vegas for an incredible special church service as the Paris hotel, met In Jin Moon, met many old friends, took a 9 hour bus ride, all with my mom. I escaped the house for one day.
Then last Saturday, I sold sushi at the cherry blossom festival in San Francisco with my mom, sister, and Japanese moms from church. It was so fun. I felt alive again, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling. I yelled "Irasshaimase! Oishii osushi ikagadesuka!?" and handled the money (something I was way too scared to do all the past years!), packed daifuku, and wiped sodas. I love loved being useful, meeting new people, serving people. Even though it was freezing cold and even rained a little, I was happy.
My best friends came from Los Angeles to visit. They cheered me up so much... Haewon! You're like my older sister, not younger friend <3 and Mika, we are twins, 'kay? <3
Then Sunday, I received the most love I've ever received from everyone at church for my piano playing at service. Rev. Thompson started my fanclub, said my name twice during service, and raised applause several times for me, "the only girl in the band." I was sooo embarrassed but flattered and happy.
And then talking with Jeungli, my ever-cute-smiling-brave friend, and seeing other BCs in church, safe from the absolutely miserable storm outside <3
But it was too good to last. Yesterday, I was utterly alone again. Today, I've said but a few words all day and spent all morning by myself, roaming the mall for clothes I don't look good in.
I have the shortest temper. The more I try to control it, the more I lose it. When I get angry, I go silent, burst into tears, and stay away from people. I hate being miserable. I want to be myself with my own FAMILY, for goodness sake. I haven't truly laughed for several long months.
My dad keeps asking what I'm planning for my life. Will I try to go to community college this Fall? Get a job? Study Japanese in Japan at grandma's house? What?
I don't know, I don't know and I'm afraid! Even God has left me, it seems. I haven't felt him for so long. And my heart is crying out for him...
Owl City - Meteor Shower
What should I do? Where should I be? What should I be doing? I'm afraid I'm wasting the prime of my life, I'm 19 and can hardly walk... everyone's comments and concerns touched me, utterly warmed me heart... but it's still so hard to get better...
But... I WILL.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
How Hard It Is
My period won't come back unless I gain weight...?
How much weight?
I can't gain weight. I don't WANT to. Part of me doesn't ever want to heal from anorexia. I love being skinny too much. But I hate not being able to run, barely walk...
And... my life's purpose is to have a family...
Without a period, I can't.
I need it back.
But I can't gain, no!!! NO! I swore I'd never be fat again.
How much weight? Until a normal BMI? But I love my underweight BMI...
I lost weight and unintentionally became anorexic all to become skinny and "beautiful." I'm not beautiful in any way right now.
My hair won't stop falling out. Walking takes all my will-power, but I want to RUN so bad. Run, like last summer. I can't play the sports that I want to play. I can't go on the roadtrips and travels I want to go on so bad. I hate feeling heavy, fat after eating "too much" (to me). I can't eat more. But part of me wants to give in, eat like crazy. That's my old binge-eating side. I hate that side. That's why I'm not going to lose to it. Gaining weight means losing, losing control. I hate that hopeless feeling of having no control over my body weight, when becoming skinny was my whole world, the past few years. Finally, finally skinny, and UTTERLY MISERABLE. Freezing cold all day every day. Miserable. Can't sleep. Have no energy. Losing hair, yeah. My mom sadly touched my hair the other day and, shocked, said that I surely had more hair than this before. Yeah...
I can't play piano as well as I did before either. I can feel it. My hands are too cold, and they can't move fast anymore. That's why I make kind of ballad versions of every piano song now, or force myself to bang out harder songs. It tires me out. But no matter what I do all day (I walk, trying to gain muscle in my legs and also garden, rake, pull weeds outside etc) even if I'm exhausted, I can't sleep.
My mind doesn't leave me alone. As dead-tired my whole being feels, the thoughts swirling in my head, as if from another person, won't let me sleep. Plans of what I'm going to eat and NOT going to eat the next day. Counting and re-counting the calories and every possibility, and what's okay to add or what I have to subtract or substitute in my daily diet. I do it all day long too, recounting calories. It terrifies me when I don't have a plan. I can't NOT have a plan. I have to know how many calories I eat every day. I plan every single bite. Make sure the fruits are in the fridge.
My eye sight is getting worse, I can feel it. I can't even squint to lessen the blurriness anymore. Driving tires me out- the steering wheel is so heavy. I'm scared all the time, of every little thing. Becoming skinny was supposed to make me burst with self-confidence, and become an outgoing, bright girl.
Now I'm a college drop-out, crying every day with no sense of purpose, overcome by depression, anorexia, self-hatred... not being useful to anyone hurts so much. I try so hard every day to do something useful to my family... but I feel so worthless. I want to volunteer, go to third world countries or even just around here and help out with everything, anything, but I have no energy and I HATE, HATE it, not having energy. My legs are permanently numb and can't jump or run...
Masochist?
I hate being anorexic, I love being anorexic. If I didn't like seeing my bony face, toneless bony thin legs, arms, and not having any love handles or butt so much, I could maybe recover. If I didn't love seeing that number on the scale every single morning, maybe I could.
5 foot 3.5 inches (162cm)
86 pounds (39kg)
If it hadn't been so rewarding after so much suffering, hunger, pain and time, it'd be easier to recover. Who could love a period-less, bony, baggy-eyed, pale-lipped, buttless, chestless, brittle-haired, self-hating, depressed, unconfident, silent (oh yeah, I stopped talking a few weeks ago. I just keep every single thought inside of me. Only my little journal knows. Not even God knows.) home-bound 19 year old girl like me.
Whenever my mom is out of the house, for example, on her 30 minute fast-walk, or at the store or a meeting, I feel so anxious. I need her to come home. Just to be near me. Then I feel... better. But nothing ever completely heals my insane, uncontrollable feeling of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, dread, despair and lonesomeness.
Who--what--am I, and how do I... learn to live again?
How much weight?
I can't gain weight. I don't WANT to. Part of me doesn't ever want to heal from anorexia. I love being skinny too much. But I hate not being able to run, barely walk...
And... my life's purpose is to have a family...
Without a period, I can't.
I need it back.
But I can't gain, no!!! NO! I swore I'd never be fat again.
How much weight? Until a normal BMI? But I love my underweight BMI...
I lost weight and unintentionally became anorexic all to become skinny and "beautiful." I'm not beautiful in any way right now.
My hair won't stop falling out. Walking takes all my will-power, but I want to RUN so bad. Run, like last summer. I can't play the sports that I want to play. I can't go on the roadtrips and travels I want to go on so bad. I hate feeling heavy, fat after eating "too much" (to me). I can't eat more. But part of me wants to give in, eat like crazy. That's my old binge-eating side. I hate that side. That's why I'm not going to lose to it. Gaining weight means losing, losing control. I hate that hopeless feeling of having no control over my body weight, when becoming skinny was my whole world, the past few years. Finally, finally skinny, and UTTERLY MISERABLE. Freezing cold all day every day. Miserable. Can't sleep. Have no energy. Losing hair, yeah. My mom sadly touched my hair the other day and, shocked, said that I surely had more hair than this before. Yeah...
I can't play piano as well as I did before either. I can feel it. My hands are too cold, and they can't move fast anymore. That's why I make kind of ballad versions of every piano song now, or force myself to bang out harder songs. It tires me out. But no matter what I do all day (I walk, trying to gain muscle in my legs and also garden, rake, pull weeds outside etc) even if I'm exhausted, I can't sleep.
My mind doesn't leave me alone. As dead-tired my whole being feels, the thoughts swirling in my head, as if from another person, won't let me sleep. Plans of what I'm going to eat and NOT going to eat the next day. Counting and re-counting the calories and every possibility, and what's okay to add or what I have to subtract or substitute in my daily diet. I do it all day long too, recounting calories. It terrifies me when I don't have a plan. I can't NOT have a plan. I have to know how many calories I eat every day. I plan every single bite. Make sure the fruits are in the fridge.
My eye sight is getting worse, I can feel it. I can't even squint to lessen the blurriness anymore. Driving tires me out- the steering wheel is so heavy. I'm scared all the time, of every little thing. Becoming skinny was supposed to make me burst with self-confidence, and become an outgoing, bright girl.
Now I'm a college drop-out, crying every day with no sense of purpose, overcome by depression, anorexia, self-hatred... not being useful to anyone hurts so much. I try so hard every day to do something useful to my family... but I feel so worthless. I want to volunteer, go to third world countries or even just around here and help out with everything, anything, but I have no energy and I HATE, HATE it, not having energy. My legs are permanently numb and can't jump or run...
Masochist?
I hate being anorexic, I love being anorexic. If I didn't like seeing my bony face, toneless bony thin legs, arms, and not having any love handles or butt so much, I could maybe recover. If I didn't love seeing that number on the scale every single morning, maybe I could.
5 foot 3.5 inches (162cm)
86 pounds (39kg)
If it hadn't been so rewarding after so much suffering, hunger, pain and time, it'd be easier to recover. Who could love a period-less, bony, baggy-eyed, pale-lipped, buttless, chestless, brittle-haired, self-hating, depressed, unconfident, silent (oh yeah, I stopped talking a few weeks ago. I just keep every single thought inside of me. Only my little journal knows. Not even God knows.) home-bound 19 year old girl like me.
Whenever my mom is out of the house, for example, on her 30 minute fast-walk, or at the store or a meeting, I feel so anxious. I need her to come home. Just to be near me. Then I feel... better. But nothing ever completely heals my insane, uncontrollable feeling of fear, hopelessness, helplessness, dread, despair and lonesomeness.
Who--what--am I, and how do I... learn to live again?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Amineko!
Meet Yuu-chan, my first ever crocheted creation aka amigurumi! :D
I know I did something wrong... like the crochet needle size or the yarn type or something. I ran out of pink yarn which is why it has blue limbs ><; But I tried my best, and I can't believe I actually made something that resembled, even remotely, the original amineko! ^^ Next I want to make something smaller, cuter... I want to crochet my mom's birthday present, and Valentine's day presents <3
初めて作られて嬉しい。。。 ちょっと間違った気がするけどあみ猫が出来て嬉しい!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Daddy's Lunch Pack #3
The 3rd day in a row that I've made my dad a lunch to bring to work. It's one of my greatest joys!! I might finally be able to really love my daddy and take care of him through making his lunch--loving him through his stomach? :D I looove making his lunch (and breakfast)! I started today's at 6:20am, after getting back from hoon dok he at church <3
PBJ bagel <3
I know it looks really pitiful... but we were running low on snacks after two days of lunches! Saltine crackers, a sizzler candy, and gum ><; I want to give my dad more, but he's not Japanese so he doesn't eat rice bentos, or any Asian things for lunch...
Really pitiful... a ginger snap and a homemade lemon bar (the last one, made by my sister last Saturday).
I learned how to make egg sandwiches yesterday! Just for my daddy <3 Egg on dark rye sammich~
All packed up with a Fiber One 50 calorie Strawberry yogurt and water bottle, and ice :)
Oatmeal, meet blogspot. Blogspot, meet the breakfast I've eaten for the past three months straight. So heart warming, heart healthy, and delicious. 1/3 cup of oatmeal with 3 of the smallest raisins from the container is my diet breakfast <3
PBJ bagel <3
I know it looks really pitiful... but we were running low on snacks after two days of lunches! Saltine crackers, a sizzler candy, and gum ><; I want to give my dad more, but he's not Japanese so he doesn't eat rice bentos, or any Asian things for lunch...
Really pitiful... a ginger snap and a homemade lemon bar (the last one, made by my sister last Saturday).
I learned how to make egg sandwiches yesterday! Just for my daddy <3 Egg on dark rye sammich~
All packed up with a Fiber One 50 calorie Strawberry yogurt and water bottle, and ice :)
Oatmeal, meet blogspot. Blogspot, meet the breakfast I've eaten for the past three months straight. So heart warming, heart healthy, and delicious. 1/3 cup of oatmeal with 3 of the smallest raisins from the container is my diet breakfast <3
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