I'm just getting more fired up about playing violin than ever before, since Sunday. Why?
- The Youth Symphony Orchestra performance in San Fran
- Henry Lau
- Vivaldi's "Storm"
Omg... omg...
I'm so afraid I'll never be good enough.
My violin teacher and ex-violin/guitar teacher is coming for dinner now, and then we're going to jam with everyone, violins, pianos, guitars, drums, vocals, maybe mandolin... omg! :D
I'm praying that I can get better at violin. And piano too. I only just got back into classical music... It's completely grabbed me and dragged me back!!!!!! I can't believe I didn't know how beautiful it was... and how different it sounds when pros play, compared to when I play.
Edit 11:25pm
Okay... today was the longest, weirdest, worst but also awesome day in a while. It started like this...
Sudden: Mom grabs me to go food shopping for tonight's dinner.
Depressing: No work today, with Jean and her dad =\
Hurt: Someone beeped at me while driving x(
Boring: Writing fanfic.
Stressed: Replying youtube comments (haven't been on for six days)
Hyper & Awe-Inspiring: Finding the title to the song Henry auditioned with! Vivaldi's "Summer"! ("Storm?") And also finding covers, in his audition style... Vanessa Mae? Didn't watch her video, but watched shlomomintz's! w;dflan;sjkdvnowuieh XXDD I was so excited!!!! Then...
- Plunge down into horrible defeat & depression: I brake too hard and mom spills her dinner in the car, screaming and scolding me. I make a wrong turn because she's screaming, then she screams at me to turn around, so i do in some parking lot and cut off this guy, who tailgates me. Some other driver beeps at me, edging on tears, but i make it to our destination all right. I drop mom off, then burst into tears on the way home.
I... drive to 오빠's house. I was never supposed to do that again. 오빠는 집에 없지만... i couldn't help it. I park somewhere and just whine and demand from God until i go home. Like, why the heck do I suck at life? Why is it so hard to just, be happy?
I wanted to be locked in a room with some, some robot music teacher that wouldn't let me leave until I was virtuoso at piano and violin. Practice and practice and improve and play every song i've ever wanted to, or else I wouldn't be able to leave the room!! I WANTED THAT. To the point where I could almost die, practicing!!!!! And maybe.. maybe it'd be better if i just locked myself away from the real world and tried by myself, to practice and improve by myself and not show myself or be socially active until I was good enough. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, in worldly perspective (competitive) and for myself. I'm considering starting lessons with Zita...!! After Korea... but...
Why can't I improve at violin!!!!! And piano too!!! I'm so inspired all the time...
Kyuhyun-oppa inspires me to sing. I love. his. voice.
Ryeowook-oppa, Rev. Cotter, pro classical pianists/virtuosos inspire me to play piano, and perform for others.
Super Junior & DBSK inspire me to have fun with music, for others. Performing, expressing yourself through music for others...
Alex Kaneko taught me to put more heart into music, and compose (haven't done either yet, very well -___-)
Henry inspires me to play violin. So does my teacher, Hannah <3 and the youth symphony that i wish i could play like and with. And all these cools songs I listen to everyday, they inspire me so much!!!!!! 12 variations of twinkle twinkle... chopin (seiya-oppa!), vivaldi, bartok (youth symphony)...
With all these inspirations, why the heck can't i improve and fulfill my dreams...!!!??
- Recovering circa 6:30: Feel sick, don't eat dinner, set up music room with kurzweil, guitar and violin... practice 12 variations of twinkle twinkle little star while Mr. Wooton and Hannah (teachers, friends ^^) eat dinner at our house.
- Thrill: From 7:30-ish to 11pm, we ROCKED. Amps, acoustics, drums, strings... These are the musicians that jammed tonight:
Hannah - (virtuoso sunsaengnim, plays everything XD) Guitar, violin, vocals
Mr. Wooton - (virtuoso dude, can play anything too XD) Guitar, piano, bass
Misa - Bass
Justin - Guitar, drums
Jenny (me) - Piano, violin
Jean - Guitar, piano, vocals
Dad - Cameraman XD
Mr. Mims - audience XD
We played songs like the Beatles' "Happy Birthday" was it called? And... others by them. And also "Jammin' with Jimmy" (folk/bluegrass type songs...) Ashokan Farewell, Spanish Flea... Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" too! it was so fun. Mr. Wooton is crazy good! And Hannah too, they're so good at everything. Ear players, yeah! XD
I haven't really, really told anyone about my musical aspirations... no one knows... i practice violin everyday now, but omg i can't feel improvement yet... i should know about patience, after ten years of piano but omg it's so hard... please, Hannah-sunsaengnim, teach me until i am good enough for symphony!!!! i want to be in a symphony so bad, be a part of something, a group of people like me (loves music, musicians...). i don't even have one friend that's enough like me to become close, best friends.
isn't there someone like me out there...? 어디 있어!!?
And now it is 11:50 pm. My eyes hurt >n< I want to play violin like Joshua Tang, Henry Lau, Hannah Van Loon, that viola player (tho... violin ^^;;;;;;) from youth symphony that i couldn't take my eyes off. I want to play beautiful music for others, and do it for the rest of my life, along with translating.
But I'm so afraid I'l never be good enough. That I can't take criticism, that I don't have it in me to be great.
What should I do...?
For now... I will go to bed and try to wake up on the right side. Tomorrow is a new day, right? *sigh* First new Japanese class, 3:30pm tomorrow! Happy about that ^^
Oh... I'm so sorry, Hannah! That I never practiced violin the last several months you gave lessons... I wasn't... "inspired" back then, but now I'm so different. It's like my life depends on improving on violin. I regret not practicing violin when i was younger (first started in 5th grade) soooo badly. But now, yes, I practice everyday or I'll... I'll...!!!!????
AAGHHAGHAGAGAHHHGHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
>_______________________________<
I'll...
I'll try my best... =)
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