Doomed. Yups.

I think so, that's what I am. Doomed.
I'm too much of a coward to face the real problem, and it'll destroy the outside of me while it kills me from the inside. Am I really that hopeless? I had thought I could actually overcome this. Wow. Did praying help?

The more my friend tries to help me, the more uncooperative my stupid body gets. Or is it my head that's stupid? It's not doing much good thinking, the past month. Stupid, stupid. I hate, hate being fat, I HATE IT, STUPID!

And I am NOT READY TO FORGIVE!!!! I AM SO NOT READY TO FORGIVE, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER, I can't go on like this forever!!!!!! But it seems like I'll end up doing it anyway.

Even tonight, the first day of the matching convocation. My parents were supposed to go and look for my future husband. But BECAUSE I was bingeing and purging WHILE they were there, and before, and way before, THAT'S WHY I WASN'T READY, and man, I'm tired.