Today, I drank a bottle of chocolate syrup with a bowl of strawberry ice cream, and then un-drank it! Along with many other highly caloric, fattening comestibles while knowing the consequences, not wanting to eat it, and feeling utterly sick. But unable to stop. I wasted lots of money. I ate almost a whole large caesar's pizza with a Wendy's vanilla shake. Then because throwing up wasn't working, I drank vinegar, salty cold coffee, and downed 28 laxative pills.
So, at therapy this morning... I got an A+ for being the best advertisement for hopelessness. I really gave up. I did. Lost a contact crying and rubbing my eyes out. I am hopeless. I am fat and ugly on top of that. I DID believe I was skinny and pretty, last April. Last April I was happy, SO, happy.
Stupid, stupid.
Even though I saw you, I saw you! And talked to you. But I was so numb, it didn't matter. Still... I played piano for you and your parents today. I will smile no matter how awful I feel inside.
I am not going down without a fight.
2 comments:
Please stop taking the laxative pills and don't drink vinegar. ;_; It will hurt your oesophagus, liver and kidneys! In addition laxative pills will drain the water out of your body and you'll feel tired and hungry. I don't want you to die because of that stuff...
It's okay. I can understand. I also use a diary to write down my thoughts and feelings. It does make you feel a little more relieved, right? ^^
Don't worry about wasting money. You're being ill and if it happens, it happened! You did eat it. You didn't throw it away. When I suffered from bulimia, I kept all my money at home, so I couldn't buy food.
Don't give up! I'm praying for you. You're not alone.
Phuong... <3
Ahhhh it's so hard... but, but I won't drink vinegar, that was a painful mistake -__- Are you all better, completely now...? How did you do it? I feel like the more support and prayer I know I'm receiving, the more I disappoint everyone. But I'm trying so, so hard now. I haven't thrown up in four days! ^^
Post a Comment