Baby steps

I had a phone session with my therapist today, yay. I feel much more cheerful, since... last Saturday lol. Saturday was the end of the world... I don't know how many times the world has "ended" for me and I'm reborn given a second (third, fourth, twentieth) chance the next day. Only to fail 99% of the time. "But this time will be different! This time I won't fail...!" Blah blah blah.

THIS time, I'm with Heavenly Father, and walking with True Parents!! Through my therapist, sort of, :) I mean, I totally surrender to God and will do everything my therapist says, I trust her, and I will NOT get better without God and TP ever, ever never ever. All I can do is surrender to them. So, even if the condition I have done for five days now gets more agonizing by the day, I will do it even, gah!

7 pounds lost in four days... not bad....? Water weight, pooey. The beach trip was moved to next Wednesday, only A WEEK goshdarnsit. And I'm so tired all day, all day my legs... this feeling is all too familiar and not welcomed back :( But I know better this time. AND, I know my period will come back like it did last month! So, if I just eat the right stuff and stay at a good stable weight I'll still have it. I'm gonna test how low I can go and keep it...

The one, blinding, shining beautiful hope I hold, 95% of the drive I have to recover comes from yearning for the Matching and Blessing. My dream. Someone asked me, where do I picture myself in 5 years? A school best friend, in the midst of all our music major, transfer, picking classes talk. And I froze. What in the world...?

All I knew was, I will be married (I didn't say "blessed" XP). That's all I knew. I have no idea what job I will have, if I'll STILL be in school for some reason, where will I live... I don't know. All I know and HOPE with all my heart, is I'll be blessed and living for the sake of my husband with all my heart, soul, mind and body.

Heavenly Father... is someone like me... do you still have someone out there waiting for someone as awful as me... as messed up, desperate, unworthy as me...? Will this be the hardest thing I'll ever hard to overcome...? Even if not, it'll make me a stronger person. I promise I'll get better, Lord, I will, I can't NOT get better. My whole life's purpose is to be matched and blessed, to live and love one man, your son Heavenly Father... I need You now, please... to recover once and for all. I want to hold Your hand through this... I'm always afraid. Even though the only Bible quote I know, from years back, is Proverbs 27:1, why can't I keep that in my heart and believe it? Why did I become such a mess. Did I do something wrong...?

Wait, I already know the answer! I know exactly why this happened. And I don't regret it happening. I am glad to have gone through this. I hope... maybe it's so I can help someone else, like me, in the future? Maybe. Or be a stronger person, that will never leave the church, never leave You? Maybe when I recover, my matching will be so strong it'll never break? Because a broken Blessing is my worst nightmare. Along with never recovering.

If he knew everything about my past... would any possible match reject me? Give up on me? Hate me? Think I'm disgusting? I... wouldn't be able to take that... until I truly believed in the value YOU have in me, Heavenly Father. Where is my value... how can You love ME. I have to try harder, try better... I have to... I must, GAH.

Love... love...

Friends... all over the world supporting me... I can't let them down, omg... I won't. I can't believe it, sometimes... sigh...

True love... "unconditional love"


I have felt the love of my parents... I have (most of the time..?) felt love for my siblings. But I have yet to perfect BOTH these loves. It's so hard to accept anything from my parents, I'm so stubborn and stuck. And my siblings... I have been lost in my own demented world for so long, they are probably fine without me, or look down on me, and I get mad at little things they do anyway... I have to fix this... by fixing myself first? I will. I will.

One Heart Camp will be such a wall, such a huge, towering wall that I have to climb. I'm already getting nervous. I know it'll be so hard. So hard... I'm afraid. But... I have a game plan? A very simple one. I'll try. Gah, I will try...

I'm tired now...

But it's so nice to have a real, live person on this earth that knows everything about me. School is a place for miracles, where we can meet lifelong (hopefully) friends who accept everything about you and love you unconditionally. I'm supposed to say that about church I suppose... but to be honest I've never gotten this close to a BC... as close as I've gotten to this friend :) It's nice not to be alone and have someone to vent, run to when you're beaten down, and they accept you and help you up again ^^ I will not compromise my matching/husband, though, I won't :)