Agony

Suddenly without my always-there best friend, I am pummeled, crushed, and paralyzed by agony, confusion, shock, devastation, pain, loneliness, regret, fear, hurt, guilt, hopelessness, loss, disbelief, torture, terror, uncertainty, trauma.

Anything vaguely close to a unpleasant feeling, God knows how I deal with that. Binge to numb it. When that wears off, feel so, so disgustingly fat and uncontrollably revolting, so purge. Guilty, fat, ugly, agony, loss, devastation all come back. Repeat cycle.

And you have, the worst day in my entire life part 2.

My childhood best friend facebooked me while I was writing a huge confessional letter to my mom, after such purging, while waiting alone for her outside the karaoke building. With my new phone I get vibrations the MOMENT notifications pop up, so... RIGHT then, she was thinking of me? Spiritual...?

I stopped believing in God today. He's never there. He's not here now, when my world shattered and I completely gave up. Utter agony, utter agony, utter agony. There is nothing more. I feel... like I can never be happy again. I will never get better. Life is too hard but suicide leads to eternity of torture, so what the heck am I SUPPOSED TO DO? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN'T! WHAT. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. DO.

I can't staff camp like this. I can barely see the stupid computer screen my eyes are blurry, face swollen. Geez, how many hours of tears today and yesterday. This hurts. This really hurts. Why am I not dead yet, from emotional... I dunno, trauma? How is he feeling today? I can't imagine how tomorrow will be, seeing him for the first time with this mind. Our minds. "Un-become best friends"? The most painful words I have ever been told.

And hey, there are only more struggles to come in this world. Marriage, career, in-laws, family, deaths, money, children, eeeeeeeeeeeeeverything? How. Will. I. Survive. I used to think life was joyful, yes life was full of joy and beauty. Now, it's something to survive? Stumble through while getting shot at, drowned, strangled, betrayed, hurt, ignored, angered, terrified...? Why am I so pessimistic. I am hopeless. I am scared. Immature, irresponsible, stubborn, STUBBORN to death.

When was the last time I was happy? Wait, happy? What's happiness? Huh? Happiness? That's Greek to me. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, what have I done, and why am I here. I'm not expecting an answer though, oh no, I won't get my hopes up. I cannot withstand another disappointment. I just can't.