Almost started crying before I was even fully awake. Terrified to get out of bed to face reality, the reality of being fat, of having hurt my best friend, having lost my best friend and not knowing how painful or how coldly we will acknowledge each other today at the beach. I feel like a thousand pounds, literally and metaphorically. This is the very worst I have ever, ever felt in my entire 20 1/2 years living on this Earth that God supposedly made for us to live, grow and bring Him joy.
My mom said I can't go to the beach. She's gonna have to tell my dad what's been happening at school, and she said he might make me drop out. I'm so scared. I keep ruining my own life. I wish I could feel just a little comfort and safety once more. Where does one find comfort, love, and safety? Parents... family... God... church... friends. Well, despising myself this much and not having an ounce of hope to my name, I can't even accept comfort maybe.
What do I do, what do I do. I told my friend I can't go to the beach, she called me to ask why, I can't even tell her it's because I cannot bear to see him. My mom says I have to let go. Just let go. Before, I only saw myself going to the beach. I HAD to go, to see where we stood now, how "just casual and not best friends" felt like. But now... should I really not go? If I didn't see him all summer, maybe by the time fall semester started I would feel like we hadn't talked, hadn't kept each other updated, hadn't connected at all and had been naturally reduced to just casual friends.
I feel like my heart is being mangled between two hands. Squeezed, pulled, just mangled mercilessly. What do I do, oh what. Do. I. Do.
1 comment:
Well, I only got hungry if I skipped a meal! XD It's normal to get hungry after not eating something when usually eat at that time.
You should go see your best friend and talk to him directly! It seems like you don't even know why this is happening. Did he tell you his reasons? Maybe he's having personal troubles... You can let him know that you're there for him! Being casual friends could be ok too. You wouldn't feel like you're depending on him and become more souvereign.
Why drop out? What happened at school? ): I thought you liked your recent school?
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