Devastation.

Thank you Phuong... your schedule was really insightful. It looks like you'd be hungry though! It's interesting to hear that you could really measure and see your progress by the time that passed between purges.

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It feels like... my best friend... dumped me... yesterday. I became too much of a burden, he couldn't do any more for me, did I relieve him of his torture? Now he feels self-loathing, he went on and on typing on Facebook, I couldn't interject, then suddenly he was gone.

Um... since then, I've just been a mess of confusion, devastation and hopelessness? I did NOT realize how much of my life was founded on his friendship, until he suddenly snipped me off. "bye" I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I'm feeling other than miserable, self-hatred, hopelessness, FAT, fat, ugly, fat, hopeless, DEVASTATION, that is the only word I keep going over and over on in my head.

Family relations are up and wonderful. It's finally warm and I've been waiting for summer all year. But now I'm fat and can't enjoy it. I wore my new summer dress today though, and did my hair as pretty as possible to walk to the library with my little sister. The day I decide to wear this long-awaited short dress, I had to walk by a construction site (meaning... men) and it was windy and I was self-conscious.

Heat is wonderful. Sun is so pleasant. Why did I ruin my body as my favorite season arrived? When a beach trip is but two days away. Last week I lost 12 pounds through fasting and exercise, and... just wow, I am unbelievably hopeless.

I got my new phone. I only got a new phone and plan so I could mostly text him, my main support through my eating disorders. He knows everything about me, and I him. He was helping so much, just by knowing, supporting, talking to me, then suddenly... oh so suddenly he lost confidence in himself...? I don't even know what happened! And he was criticizing himself, saying he felt stupid. He knows how I could get better, right away. He can see the button to press for me to get better. But there was a ten foot thick wall of plexiglass in front of it. And it was torture to stare at it. I... inferred that the wall was my church, my family, my decision. I could not change my decision. So he decided to turn away from the button, forget he ever saw and felt the want to press it, and... said bye.

I have no idea where we stand. I'm so... lost.

I was not conscious of how centered my life was on him. And now I'm struggling to find God and make him my anchor, He who it was supposed to be from the beginning. God, where are You?

I am waiting and waiting and hoping and praying that he will text me, SOMETHING will happen, we will move. I feel so, so lost and floundering and crazy not knowing what the heck I am anymore to him, and what he's feeling and if he's upset and hates me, hates me, hates my guts... or feels bad, or is lost like me? Or has forgotten me, cut me off. What am I, where am I, what is he doing, where does our friendship stand, how in the world will I act when I see him on Thursday... Yet... I asked my friend if she's talked to him, and she has, and he... sounds like he's having such busy fun on a new project. I don't know what to feel.

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." I hate being numb.

Lady Antibellum's song played TWO TIMES in my short car rides today. Stop torturing me, please.

What is wrong with me.